other women

ok, let me modify this.......cause I don't hate other women. but they get on my nerves sometimes, some of them. Some women are great, of course, I don't want to lump them all together. Some women friends are great. I just don't LOVE them in general, and I guess this is my conflict when I was at bluestockings today. Occasionally I am attracted to a female, but I don't identify as lesbian. I'm just not. I am obsessive about men. I always have been. I turn men, absent men, into God. They are. That won't change.


I'm trying really hard to know more about them, because I know so little. I see so many women on the street every day and every where but I know nothing about them, and it's such a lonely feeling. The problem is, it's hard getting close to them, and so much of the time I'm turned off before I get to know them. I guess maybe it's the way I was raised, as an only child with a working mom, who read and let myself in the house: I just wasn't raised to be a little well behaved girl. I was taught manners, far more than most of the people I encounter here, and there were women all around me, but it was never a comfortable or nurturing atmosphere. It was like if we weren't "feminine" enough we were being made to feel punished for not being that way or having to defend ourselves or something. And out in public there's no privacy and I had a fair amount of that, like coming home to an empty apartment. I miss that sometimes. Plus, my mother was certainly not easygoing. I just never had a good relationship with other women and I've almost never had even a friendship with another female that wasn't turned into a desperate war on her part for some kind of power, superiority. I'm just being realistic, here. In a way, men's company was a relief because they were at least up front about everything. With women, if they acknowledged me at all, I never knew if I could believe them because I'd later catch them talking nastily about me behind my back. So now, when women approach me, like at the gym, and jump in my face and smile, when I'm stretching, or whatever, or "admiring" me, I just feel uncomfortable and annoyed, then I'm made to feel bad that I'm not nicer. But after a lifetime of other women not returning glances or smiles or them acting like I'm not in the room, then saying nasty things about me or plotting bad things against me when I'm out of the room, to expect me to just have my door wide open for every stranger is a little strange. I'm not exaggerating when I say these things. Sometimes I just hate other women, and I know that is wrong and I'm not supposed to feel that way. I have to struggle against these feelings. I know, I've read, that they're doing what they have to to survive in a sexist world and ultimately men are the enemy, but the problem is, if I'm supposed to feel solidarity I just don't know if that's possible at this point. I feel like all women are out to get me. i know, I'm paranoid. blah blah......