Nightmares

I had two in the past 24 hours. One early this am a friend of mine and his kid had company over a polite word guys violent arrogant (Ted?) A fight broke out one was hung  upside down kid ran out I ran out back door kid was fine but.....outside somewhere. Just now.....dark moon hour of venus.....or rather moon waxing illuminated .1 percent some odd.....walking with a guy I kniw dark woods.....then I am alone, question   ......outside a house......cat runs off and gets caught in a car wheel.....horrible.....

Room

Be it ever so humble, and this is......reminds me a little of woody Allen's room in Take the Money and Run.....ha! Caribbean Harlem is the new Ave A......already I witnessed frat boy assholes in this neighborhood.....drive a sports car drive up the rents build high rises kick out the families who've been here 30 years but hey what can I do about it? Anyway for now it is......people had stated the rooms were dirty and I assumed they were  just whiny or something.....I had to clean the floor and windows......but still! A room to oneself is just that. I'm sixpence all the richer merci Dieu

claustrophilia?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2139141/Gareth-Williams-death-claustrophilia-So-thats-theyre-called-Funny-People.html

on another note......this was the subject of a CSI episode I watched called "Mail Order Lover." Sounds really bizarre in the abstract but this was super well done.

witness and defense intimidation

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/24/arias-trial-nearing-its-conclusion/2111403/

other link

http://jodi-arias.wikispaces.com/Parallels+with+the+trial+of+Amanda+Knox 

Clarification:

Just found an amazing site which parallels the Amanda Knox/Jodi Arias "witch hunt" trials......and Jodi Arias' name sounds similar to Jeanne D'Arc or Joan of Arc, another witch hunt trial. Maybe it's just human nature to scapegoat an "other" as was said many times about Nazi Germany......though those who are the speakers for the circus know how to get under people's skin, stir up adrenaline, play on someone's emotions. They did this, can you believe it? Throw in sex.....it would affect anyone, where emotions get in the way of rational or clear thinking. The same, again misogynistic: whore, witch, femme fatale (in Henry VI part one an amazing play la Pucelle or Jeanne is called a slut, a witch, her "lusty paramours" some such......that play nearly did me in. I am sorry for, I must say, I feel like I fucked up in that one too......I must have undergone fight or flight syndrome......I ended up doing both--but anyway, as I can't undo what's done but at least can now say this was before most people knew how to read and it's fascinating to see the history as there were no newspapers, no TV or internet in the Middle Ages; there were messengers who went from town to town to speak at a public place about what was going on and.....diverging somewhat.....Joan of Arc's family and she herself were thoroughly knowledgeable and briefed on everything that was happening with the war. Mlle. D'Arc though she couldn't read knew her stuff ......but no matter that she was a Catholic and didn't have sex she was still referred to as a slut......so honestly to someone ignorant of the reality of the situation a "witch" and "conjurer" has Darth Vader-like power over people's minds, men's minds.....total bullshit of course, but myth and superstition and fear put a person in a different place   http://www.churchinhistory.org/pages/intro-sum/saint-witch.htm).....that by body language and side glances and whatnot you can control another person. Or with sex. Right. Boy, that would be lovely, wouldn't it? I still can't grasp all this, though......here's the link:
http://femme-fatale.wikispaces.com/home

so. anyway. I mean if someone disagrees with me, fine. If I am WRONG about everything and it's proven: fine. I don't fault anyone for having a different opinion. I do, however, oppose to a person slamming and insulting someone they DON'T KNOW and who has never done anything to them personally simply because they are associated with an event or ......they are divulging an ugly truth or even.....I mean killing the messenger? Or causing so much hurt to someone unnecessarily that doesn't deserve it. That they know nothing about. Oh yes, and I object to someone making genuine efforts to harm, or worse, in any number of ways, someone they don't know or anyone really because of either a projected slight or mirage or basically someone who has NEVER done anything to them; because not only is that immoral, period, it is illegal. But it's done, all the time. This is damn serious. A lot of people are in danger.....sad that it's such a wrestling match to stop this but such it is. Still, thanks to the internet more information is out there and people are able to speak out about and document what they went through for others to read. Comfort in knowing at least you're not an isolated example. Well behaved women may not make history but they are rewarded for it. I mean, there.......are many layers to this.....

Post-Conviction Jodi Arias Interview 05-08-13 Pt.1

In a way.....being the person who posted this is a hater (his rich and genius vocabulary reminds me of someone (whisper: Ted) who used the same language toward me and to attack and slam me. It speaks for itself doesn't it? And the one saying it. Ironically in posting Jodi speaking in her own words it brings much to light.....she simply is not what she is made out to be in the media and though I may be risking my life and a lot of things to speak up for her I can't just sit back and watch someone be slammed in ways they don't deserve. The people who attack her .....the men anyway, either have an agenda toward her as she is pretty and probably would have rejected them so (again like Ted) they hate and have vendettas against attractive females a) and b) probably are the type to go home drunk and rape their wives and daughters. OK. My opinion. But realistically, who would spew out, day after day (not just men, women too) this venom that is beyond what one can imagine possible to someone they have never met?????? There are people who hate George Bush, Adolf Hitler.......but there is pretty solid documentation even if imperfect on the things they did.......but no matter, honestly, how can one hate a person they don't know? I mean really hate.  If you were personally hurt by Bush or Hitler or your family that would explain it, I understand. But if neither you nor anyone you know was personally affected or harmed by this person..... I could say, someone who harms animals is the worst kind of human being who deserves whatever they get. But.....I guess that could be looked at any number of ways. But the haters of Jodi I wonder where they .....even if you believe she planned and carried out this "commitment offense" does that validate that kind of hatred? Volumes and volumes of malice in ways I never thought were possible. Who the fuck are they to call another sociopathic and narcissistic anyone can read excerpts of David Hare and oh, jeez, sociopathic, narcissistic, no emotions, and slap those generalizations on anyone. I just can't stand meanness for its own sake and bullying. Trolls, fucktards, you know who you are. I know who some of you are, too. This is fucking America (now I'm getting mad) and you've had your space and this is mine and everyone, that is everyone, has a right to their diverging opinion. You can't mess with the Constitution it's ILLEGAL. Period. I will not be forced to shut up especially by someone with the IQ (OK, my opinion) of a grain of sand. Who is anybody, speaking of "mote in ones eye" and such, to say such a thing about someone they don't know and who hasn't DONE anything to them? How much do they really care for the victim and if they did their energy should go toward helping those who are their survivors, not formulating a vessel in your mind to channel all that is wrong and fucked up about the world and hope that by doing away with the serpent/Eve you're ridding the world of sin. This person dies, sin is still everywhere. .....kind of puts a gag in America's mouth as suddenly......speaking of Italy's government and courts as corrupt like in the Amanda Knox case but then we have our own failures of a system which is supposed to protect us here. What do we do when we are vulnerable to the attacks of mad men and women and those who are supposed to defend our rights, that no one tells us we have, either turn against us, turn away period......that we are vulnerable to being raped, killed.....what have you......and nothing will be done about it? Whoever did it is yet free in the world and an innocent person gets their life and freedom taken away? Well, it happens all the time. How is that supposed to bring any closure. Of course it doesn't.

once saw a German film

where one of the characters attended a version of "Streetcar Named Desire" in German......problem with translations is people watching it don't get the reference to a particular area which is distinguished by its accents.....true anywhere that I suppose. Everywhere has its different regions and really snobbery or feeling of hierarchy......but anyway.

oh, and, on hospitality?

One of the things spoken of at this meeting I attended was hospitality interesting because I had gotten some inside clues into the Tennessee Williams play Streetcar Named Desire:The lines "please don't get up, I'm only passing through" and "whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" refer to New Orleans itself, which sustained itself on tourism and what goes with it: restaurants, prostitutes, brothels, hotels.....the business of entertaining what have you. San Martin Cabellero was their patron saint in a largely Catholic city. Seen riding on a horse maybe "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" also Saint Expedite........."Espedee"...........
The original Blanche was more raunchy and in your face than what she was made into. She was depicted wearing red ...........I always thought that play was so dreary and depressing but there was the line about deliberate cruelty being unforgivable. Who irony of ironies was watching this but Ted but whether or not he got insight into his own behavior is anyone's guess. It went right over him. Such the beauty of humans, huh?

and by the way

Other people's offensive, ignorant and degrading comments regarding moi well that's their opinion. These people do not, never have, and never will know me, ever. They have no idea what it's like to be me, who I am, they are not in my shoes, so call it knee jerking but they can GFT. Quite honestly. Not to mention their views speak for themselves and the person who has them. Narrow minded bigotry.....what so jabs at you?

continuing.....

Saw a couple clips of the movie Casino looks pretty good.......for the first time I watched the Sopranos a few times .......

so: lists? personal issues and don't want to divulge too much partly for safety reasons. But due to my hard work things are clearing up.

I downloaded an app which makes to do lists and I suffered horrible anxiety with this and  schedules that I admit is my achilles heel because a list suddenly becomes as long as the dictionary......SO much to do and have to do it RIGHT NOW......then it blows up in your face. But ......check something off yes I am relieved that bit is done even if what is there looks like a tornado hit it. But that's a start, right?

recovery

After two weeks......incredibly treacherous.....someone whom I had known pretty well in Chicago, in another life (that Katy Perry song was on the radio which is incredibly depressing and disturbing) passed away and there were many problems with him but I found myself feeling sad and guilty.....there's so much ...... I felt like I'd let a lot of people down. Well, but at least not for lack of trying. Even when I felt at times like I was dying I kept up journals, kept running, dancing, working, looking for work, cleaning......and kept focused to the point where I was literally physically worn out. What's of the mind uses what's in you biologically. This am I attended a church service which......I don't call myself religious or indoctrinated but more spiritual still these people had been helpful to me at times so I try to give what I can back......so maybe I let him and others down--I don't know why I felt obligated except that --this persistent feeling like--there are those who say if you love someone enough you should be willing to die for them. But if I died it would hurt a lot of people and it wouldn't make their lives better because they would have deep persistent wounds from my absence......so in dying for someone are you really helping them? Someone who will be permanently scarred by your leaving? Or even if you're falling apart it affects others emotionally.....so I felt like I owe it to myself of course but others too to stay together and not come unglued which I could have and nearly did. All due to a person who......or need I state the obvious? I'll leave it unsaid. But this is his doing and I am not about to forget that or let it go. He was also, years ago, the cause, or part of anyway, the pain and hurt of someone else I was close to. He has caused so many so much loss, so much injury.......he's just going to continue doing more of the same until he is put in a place where he can't get away with it. I'm sorry but that's the truth. Yet the wheels of justice are rusty and slow moving. It's sad, you know?
BUT. This person is now officially out of my life. James Woods once made a comment a little vulgar but it applies here. Don't know if I want to say it. It's......

But moving on, back to life

I have a lot to do and it's daunting: ........the.......I felt like I'd been run over. The fourth of July victory but at what price? Still breathing if broken and bloodied. And in pain. Grieving? The sniper is still out there....... what am I supposed to feel? Here I am every breath every movement is pain pain I'm thinking should I just die.....but I don't. .....I break out in song and dance cuz hey.....I'm still alive? I've been through hell I've been bloodied bad but here I still am..... 
So in London yes by all means study abroad I'm not saying don't. My next goal is to study in South America. But you know people don't tell you about the danger. I think the day I was held hostage in London the American embassy in Kenya was bombed. But it's overwhelming to imagine: being no longer you with your life as you know it you're now someone or something with a label on them which has you think anyway little to do with you..... ok the Nairobi (a place I'd wanted to visit) bombing happened the week before I remember specifically because my incident happened on the 13th of August ......the British cop (and they are damn scary, one of the many cryptic films we'd seen had Tim Roth being brutally tortured in prison) saying, "The sum of thuh-teen pounds, Thursday, August thuh-teenth" and I don't think I even knew about it until the next day. Three years before the 9/11 attacks, anyway the world was introduced to, to quickly forget......al queada. After getting robbed, I was broke, terrified I would not be able to leave, scheduled to go to Scotland.....off I went. More films of that caliber......but in that area (kings cross)I had seen many men walking around who could be Rudy Guede truth is .....that incident could have happened where I was and probably the only reason it didn't was because the place I was staying in had very tight security who had been on high alert when my key was lost.  And.....more later.....ah......August 13.....the day the Berlin Wall was constructed. The fall of the wall and my subsequent exile to Chicago but another time for that......

"Witch hunt"

So anyone who ever visited a meditation bookstore or read their horoscope.in the local paper could be a witch. Or if you have never done any if the above no matter. Ironic.....Christianity has a long history of witchcraft, most of the accused witches had never associated with it, and, some one once said, the "real" witches walked between the raindrops because they knew how to protect themselves. Amanda Knox is not and never has been a witch and maybe the "femme fatale" is a myth that doesn't exist in reality actually a misogynist "woman as the source of all evil" superstition. I said before Ted was the devil with devil's eyes I think I should clarify..... because that.....makes me one to also .... ..this person Ted really DID cause me nearly unparalleled pain, loss and psychological trauma. He really DOES have bad intentions. He is .....someone who seeks out situations in which he has an edge over someone vulnerable is use them to his advantage and maliciously torment, abuse and degrade them because for that moment it gives him a sense of power. Need I state the obvious: that kind of behavior is vile, sick and cowardly and only the lowest of the low would do such a thing. That such individuals exist who would hurt an innocent being who has never done anything to them.....I'm not going to mince words I have nothing but contempt for someone like that. Make no mistake, Ted knew what he was doing. I will never forgive him.
Back to the Amanda haters and the same thing exists in other situations......it dumbfounds me to think this predatory and senseless mob mentality doesn't end and......the way something could appear on the surface.....that has ......it's not backed up by anything except  a fantasy, really. Amanda never did anything to any of these people. She could have been any number of other
Women. She was and is just a regular person. The random out of the blue bad luck of this is hard to wrap your brain around. A girl was brutally killed for no reason (speaking of sacrifice.....Iphegenia? This was a bloody, sadistic slaughter) another was naive and in the wrong place at the wrong time. She did a yoga stretch bought panties and pecked her.boyfriend on the lips but even if she'd behaved like a nun it didn't matter as it was already decided. The.......... What am I supposed to say? I want to at least give a person a chance to speak a chance. But all I personally see are jabs, insults, threats.....generic pop psych generalizations you could slap on anybody......... Having been a forex student myself.....it's not easy. You're an immigrant, a foreigner, one of "them" and "they" being smug, greedy thieves......a spoiled smug prick, basically. Natives aren't always friendly they assume that you, being a tourist, have a lot of money, anyway you have more than they do. They're going about their lives and you're on vacation. You're no longer ;you" as you know your life. You are now "they." Add to that feeling perpetually disoriented and really like a hunted dog, all the time. I had tried to read Charles Dickens and had grown up with "Oliver" relentlessly grim and depressing "you've got to pick a pocket or two" but of course thus was a quaint, archaic depiction of London right and it was safe now, right? Wrong! This was no myth. People in my group had witnessed violence in the streets and a stabbing as well .....ironically I had been attempting to read David Copperfield when my bag was taken and with it my money and keys (I got hell for that from security now I see why) which led to the fiasco in a phone calling center where I was nearly kidnapped my father on the phone long distance)  such things are pretty common place. I hadn't yet read the biography of John Lyndon "Johnny Rotten" and anyway, thus only happened in bad neighborhoods.
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/the-amanda-knox-verdict-isnt-justice-for-meredith-kercher-its-a-witchhunt-9101549.html

Had a nightmare

About Ted. Basically his face. Yesterday was difficult. I'm still here though.....that man; is  a sick, sadistic, vile soulless beast : his eyes reveal his real self: beady, black and hate-filled. Getting involved with him is the worst thing I ever did. His one Achilles heel is his heart the one thing that will do him in in the end.....nothing but a void. A dishonor his is to his own people.

Dreams

Had some furiously intense ones in the past 48 hours there are those moments when  you just want to sleep and heaven knows I needed it. This am I dreamt I was in prison and the cop who put me there was demanding sexual favors, bringing me to a room with a swimming piol filled with gases "truth serum" I didn't want to go in.....but was forced to. I was slowly being asphyxiated maybe relevant to a conversation I had with someone about Hitler and surrounding controversial videos about him..... but hey I feel for anyone who is a victim of injustice. I have had my own experiences in a different way. A couple years ago this girl who was a Hunter student was killed by her boyfriend......horrific incident she was only around 20 years old. The neighbors heard screaming too but did anyone call 911? I have had to call the cops most recently on my ex roommate Ted, a madman who belongs in jail, he should have fun being someone's bitch since that's how he views women......and last week on an insane couple who were mistreating a child. One for law and order!

To

Occupy your own space, to gain a measure of autonomy and determine your own life is often an ugly, uphill, dirty battle, fought to the death at times but a necessary one. Exploitation and oppression are the shadow of human history and there are those who will see you as a thing to commodify and own, if it benefits them .....up until a few years ago I had thought and been taught to believe there is some rationality in how people behave and to life and the world. My recent experiences negate all that and there is simply .......why would someone attack another who has done nothing to them? What.....they don't now or ever did a have a "right" to me or anyone but in their mind they think they do..... no understanding of why they do something.....only that I was very unfortunate to come under their radar and.....be forewarned! I'll never understand it pissed off as I am and having had to fight like hell.....you won't hear me singing this person's praises. If I am writing nasty stuff about someone I assure you it's because I have valid reason. But the fact that there is no logical sequence to this is what shakes me up the most.....Nothing good can come of association with some people and the most recent one could have killed me the only thing that saved me was........in all this turbulence I had some knowledge if limited experience in .....I was able to .....it was sheer will, really. And realizing that some things happen .....some people's behavior has .....has no rational basis whatsoever and there is simply no understanding of it. It's who they are, it's what they do and it doesn't make sense but it is intolerable. To struggle against it is to put yourself at risk but to accept it is impossible. When all stakes are down, that's when true friends show themselves and anyone who takes advantage if you or kicks you when you're vulnerable is not your friend.

Back......

There has been some back and forth about the meaning of Easter.....ya de ya it used to be a pagan holiday .....all I can say is that I myself felt the dark and the light.....got my things from Spuytin Duyvil and boy did I fuck up on that one. A waste of time and I take responsibility for not making a more concerted effort. In these situations you hope and expect to leave quietly but if the other person won't let go or move on..... I have gone from feeling angry sick sad terrified relieved.....and like I failed though I ......did and didn't. And the wrong ness of it all. Because not everyone out there is a nice person. Some are downright scum who never should have been born. I do not envy those who brought them into the world. I have experienced some great people and some horrible people both.....but in the end I have too much to give to capitulate and they have nothing to give.....they are the kind who merely take and take til you have nothing left. Do NOT ignore your gut feeling about a person and don't listen to the chorus of folks who will tell you they're wonderful people because that isn't true. It simply isn't.
So.
Every year I go through this the descent into hell and rebirth and I have. So yes for that.....

Amanda Knox Trial & Media Fiasco with Jim Clemente (+playlist)

wow really compelling.....there is no evidence against her because she didn't do it.....

13 everywhere!

More on this later. I am better after a nasty bout with hay fever and this cold blast was awful.....I got caught in it. My face is splotchy reddened and pasty I look like an English boy.....

Connections

You go here, think you're removed from there but you're not. He was like a figure out of a Fred Astaire film, but even then I could sense something too perfect.....coming from a house of constant chaos.....amazingly they in a way resembled each other.......polar opposites yet both came to the same place for different reasons.....even the way he described sounded like out of a Sherlock Holmes story but this was not Sherlock.....crime solving not his cup of tea.....have to say this is fascinating.....

I have returned

Sorry for my absence.......I went through some calamity with a person I made the mistake of renting a space from.....my stuff is there my diaries birth certificate candles clothes.....fault me but I just couldn't go back there. This person is in the wrong and I was forced to fight back.....I have known him a long time and oh! Listen to your instinct always! Plus I have lost clothes subsequently to get more. Right now I have a headache and am recovering from fever and chills. Oh, yes, this and trying to apply for health insurance.
On the up side......I am reading about back and forth Oscar Pistorius and Reeva Steenkamp and the Speck murders in Chicago. A close family friend had been at the crime scene and was naturally devastated......ha. Call it a barf fest.....but who wouldn't? It occurs to me maybe these crimes are political as well.