Days

Night was chilly. My friends are hurting that hurts me. Egypt having......major problems. People here don't see how most people everywhere are good and not really different from them. But things happen. Kennedy's plane crashed over .....I went to a wedding once at Martha's Vineyard. It was quaint and pretty but understated. I had started to write about my experience in Cape Cod. Another esaay for that.....point being I suppose I ......you think ............ will be a solution but I am just reliving the nightmare because I have to shake off the ugliness.....in hoodoo it's called crossed conditions. In my family we are kings and queens of that. Black plastic frames same brown eyes hippie hair he reminded me of my uncle Pat. His expression was......in this photo......somewhere between a frown and a wince...a telling look like they're about to drop something unpleasant on someone .....like break up. Was that a sign? J had that same expression in the camping pictures.. .the trip he took with Leila.....unbeknownst to me the girl he made out with that Wednesday the 25th of June the day Michael Jackson died. Horrors! Horrors! Horrors! Nothing is worse, nothing nothing. There's. A div. In here......that last place in JC after lady good work the window cracked into a triangle. I am in this same position always finally to be discarded read about Lamars mistress I feel for her situation. She went to U if M same as my mom. I have been in her shoes. Its a terrible thing what he is doing to his wife.....but .....he said he can't leave because .......because he won't? Whatever. In Calabasas California Michael Jackson died and across country.....first at Bowery and Houston them somewhere in the Hudson Valley J made out with another girl while I was working I get this dropped on me thanks a lot. Then subsequently went camping. I could only........but while he and I were walking together later. After tears shed (mine) candles lit (one catching on fire next to the Madonna (hm) and a message "you are in great danger." Indeed. J didn't even remember Leila's name or her ethnicity. I corrected him. "She was what Italian?" I believe she was Serbian. He also got her name wrong. Everything hung on his behavior and decisions. I was terrible. I did something terrible. I felt guilty. I was remorseful.....but I don't want to know or see this person. I don't want to see that. I don't. Want to cause .....hit me like a cannon and only by a miracle didn't kill me. I wanted death. I planned my death. Twice. And I deserve a happy summer. I believe ........death is everywhere past is prologue. I feel death feel chills when someone is dying.........