more on the fiscal crisis

I did some research on this (Im not a f***ing idiot, OK) Boehner, his so-called ties to big business lobbyists, his background.....unlike Romney he, according to what Ive read which is of course questionable, comes from a working class background, is from Ohio of German ancestry not too different from me......though I heavily disagree with his decisions, to put it mildly.....it's fairly interesting. But, to .......I am hard put to get on this.......I wrote a storm of heartfelt editorial on it by hand.......someone who has an apparent conflict of interest (hey, I'm repeating what others wrote) how are they in a position to determine where the money goes when so many people in America are affected, me among them? That is simply unacceptable and obviously unethical. Hades......who rules long-term investments and growth, and boy do they love to talk about this, the right......I am going to get a blast of fury for saying this......for now I'll leave it unsaid.....it.....I have to get off this topic for now. But.....I'm talking about something bigger than party politics and.....I will say this.  Power the subject here.....power corrupts? not sure if always. but considering my experience.....which I dont want to write about yet. Rip the scab off a wound that is still fresh.......it's painful and humiliating. I ......the memory of that kind of pain is loud and ever present. No one can go through that without wanting to see some kind of resolution. A very black heart one has, full of envy and hatred. And an insane arrogance and self-centeredness. But I can say this person is for the first time in her life feeling the impact of what she has done and is seeing she is not invincible. Maybe that's Hades as well. I will not name names and I am talking about a composite of people  and one person kind of overlaps.....but I see that it  pays not to be a cunt to people cause people remember......word gets around and you .....it catches up.

fiscal cliff?

bI was typing before my phone crashed I sure hope "they" resolve this just cause I'm so damn tired of reading about it! I went through a .....was horribly distressed yesterday about some stuff. personal. I am somewhat better. I went running today not as much as I was but my knees are holding up.....I have been staying in and training practicing  and am so tired in between.....I fall into bed. some girl yelled at me, which I heard but didnt see, you still running? I googled bayside park and its interesting the history of it and this woman wrote of her childhood here. the sixties. how "the neighborhood changed." pretty phoenomenal. but so it happens. the demographic she means. why is it that way? sigh. goodness if I can answer that.....


I made some really bad decisions last year. some of the worst of my life. I was almost forced to. I never, ever ever want to repeat that mistake. I wish it were otherwise. I just didnt know what to do. I will never do that again. But I don't understand why.damn phone crashed. goddammit!!!!! I was typing, before it got erased, some would say I used people. Maybe I did. And I regret that. I did not set out to. I dont do that, period. Intentionally. However, in terms of the bigger picture I feel used. I do. Maybe I'm being overdramatic but I feel that way. I feel manipulated. Whether that was intentional of them or anybody I dont know. now I am going to save. scuseme.it saved automatically TYVM. I do feel that I was used and manipulated as well. That is really not ok. From January til March last year I went through some of the worst hell of my life. I do resent certain people as they had a direct involvement look I dont know their intentions or anybodys for that matter. I only know what I sense.....but I was in a position of getting in the company of some people who hold views and emotions that honestly I find repugnant. I cant shake, for what it's worth, this feeling of dirt......

lost and re typed

this is tedious! i should be sleeping but I am not. It is too important.....so I wrote and the stuff was deleted grr! in my nightmare I am in the bathroom with HER and afraid she will see me even though she is right next to me terrified she will look me in the eye. sheer hair length luck she does not. i leave and go into a bedroom there is a man sitting on a chair I ask him to help me but dont know if he is alive or dead. i go to bed lie down and it is dark. there is a man's body next to mine. I am saying who is this I realize I am trying to wake I wake screaming......who is this who is this.....its still dark......i am trying to .....will myself awake. i wake finally in the dark. there is no one next to me.

storm and nightmare

im tired not up to writing but i am i feel my mind being stretched in two directions til its ready to snap. i have premonitions just feel somethings about to go down tho it has already. it's been an onslaught of bad and i mean bad or whatever you want to call it. i saw outside my window in jersey city lightning that lit the whole sky and shook the ground.the sky went from night to white. i saw visions of owls everywhere.....eyes googley eyes blankly staring.....so hey if you think this is all bunk crap baloney then so tis.i saw on facebook a beautiful painting of a beautiful woman with an owl. i was listening to a radio show where they talk about evil eye, and expressions in arabic, hebrew, yiddish for protection. jeanne darc used to say en nom dieu. whatever works, you know? or.......in egypt they had the widget. i mean, it says if youre lattractive youre especially susceptible. that song by the pussycat dolls "be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it" i know its a time honored expression but its in my head.....ok i realize i sound crazy. but you know i was.....feeling at risk. thus why i am writing this down. i am not religious. i am not .......i .......just know.is all. is a ......something.....

sorry it is hard typing from a hand held android but im getting used to it.....just have to take a break.....i once read a writers quote that if he were locked in a cell hed write on the walls. i was reading up on henry miller and thomas hardy.....ey all these writers.....if theyd lived in the "e" age: of blogging, vlogging.....i can only speak for myself cuz i know myself: i just have a natural instinct to express my feelings god i cant help it. i ama loud mouth it gets me into trouble, always has.  but its how i am. i yell from the rooftops. its not necessarily good.
anyway, on what i had written last: by "fucked up" night i mean this: i forgot my money and metrocard on the way back to jersey from lower manhattan. the distance is just a few miles. but for that short way it cost sixty kisses. hardly kisses they were. just one of those things. i was so pissed. i was getting something out of the drawer and thats when the vase (vase, short a as in rhymes with place or pronounced vahhhs which i think personally sounds pretentious and weird. but you know i am from chicago.....)tipped over and water spilled tragically onto the cable box, which now doesnt work. i mean, it sucks but what can you do other than fix it? that same night, a friend of mine was injured. so i have to fix this.....too bad as i started watching tv.....i never watched it much before. bimbette of my nightmare bneing one to discourage me.....along with my dad who was highly intelligent (he watched shows like CNN and all the news and knew everything about everywhere! as an ex military man i suppose it makes sense. i personally find that stuff so grim i .....its hard for me to watch) digress again my ADD acting up, excuse me.  

storms and food and no hand lotion

I realize, coming back to jc, i forgot lotion and i am very picky about what i use. palmers cocoa butter and mom got this awesome stuff as a giftn.....cocoa butter-like......shoot dont know the name. the rain and wind are quite pretty actually. very gothic. or something. its a light . breezy cool not that horrific noreaster a month ago that was hideous . i had a basically nice xmas with a few very nice gifts i am thankful for.not good for the looks department i feel lumpy and ravaged.....! i got some yoga videos as a gift but the catch is the vcr isnt hooked up and i spilled water on the cable box when flowers tipped on the dresser next to the tv on a fucked up night so have to spend time twisting and tweaking the gadgetry behind the tv til it works and have as of late just been too lazy. sigh. something for tomorrow. but when it all comes together it will be worth it! i was going to do some work but to add to my ....well what the heck it's almost midnight and tomorrows another day! i fell asleep earlier and had a nghtmare....about someone who is fairly well known.....a female. and a male whom .....

this is my rifle. there are many like it but this one is mine.

my rifle is my best friend. i must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me    
ect.  
Thinking of this creed, which I just looked up, watching clips of Full Metal Jacket . Vincent D'Onofrio gave a wild performance in that! But I am thinking of this in light of the recent events. Why say what goes without saying? All those innocent people and children murdered.....("stained with the guiltless blood of innocents") ....I am enraged at reading about that.....I wont say all that was going through my head about lonney tunes (my interjected opinion) Nancy Lanza.....is any explanation necessary? itI have so much to say on this.....

mistype before "write" not "right"

maybe a slip. anyhow. boy am i getting bad!

storms that must be recorded

however one must right even if from a handheld. im getting better at this. please pardon the shoddy punctuation a definite f in AP Stylebook.....ironically i was helping grade papers last night.  i am worn but basically ok after quite a stormy, pun intended but also literally, morning which i vlogged (cq out lauraalta on youtube)  .....my head feels imploded like Boehners Plan B. it is so painful for me to read about that stuff.....really its like my skull is full of rocks. but otherwise good despite a few personal issues. this storm ties in with some things I have been involved in in my own time.......I am in my bleary eyed fatigue and after a rough and difficult morning quite pleasantly surprised at this. the wind feels tropical and I love tjat.....

blood.....swim out

from the Lady Gaga video Telephone:  "We gonna make you swim  out of here in your own blood!"

I have been watching bits of "Untold History of the United States" Oliver Stone's latest.......have to say after four decades in film he hasn't slowed down it appears. This is quite dizzying, I was shaken and very moved watching it at first. Of course, it's not very cheerful material. One serial killer, one horror film, one severed head....times that by, what, around fifty million? Indeed, enough blood was spilled in WWII to fill the Atlantic, seems, or the Pacific....not sure the exact math. But enough. US history is indeed saturated in that stuff.  Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn, where I used to live......check out the history of THAT place alone. Revolutionary War? Gruesome and filthy. Imagine.....that park is a giant crypt with 10,000 buried......that area, where the "rebels" were starved to death by the Brits (nice, my people), literally, how people lived with the smell of all those bodies plus everything else.....how did they live at all. I have more to watch of this....still......so more on it later.

askagangsta....Lady Gaga sick onstage

There are videos of this on youtube.....boy I have heard of kinky stuff but this blows them all away....who in their right mind would want to watch that? Poor girl whatever made her sick.......I have to admit.....I am so obsessed with the celebrity world. I wouldn't want to be that famous myself.....not even able to barf in private; but there's no privacy anyhow so, shurg.....

I F*CKING HATE TWITTER! Askagangsta

This guy is scary as hell and funny as hell!!!!!!

forgive forget

some things are heinous but forgivable. others are not forgivable (deliberate cruelty).......Blanche said and true. in some instances friends did stuff that I was angry at, very, but forgave under circumstances. In other instances, its going to be hard if not impossible.....I am currently pissed at someones behaviour during the storm which was jerkish and just plain wrong given the circumstances.....I go back and forth with some people. power corrupts? honestly ten years have passed and I am still furious at some.....you know show some gratitude. peoples anger, ego and absence of any conscience or empathy.......I am throwing darts yeah because then yeah I felt I was.....used by these individuals. hence why I am I mean I am holding back from what I was formerly thinking but Im going to be civil and not say.     However, others have exhibited actions that make them a gem. to me. I feel the love and give.....I dont pretend to be an angel. I acted horribly today gee wonder where I learned that.....lol.....heinous but forgivable I hope. Sorry ( no emoticons. thanks to those who were helpful. The storm has made a wreck of transportation and with no reliable and fast trains the path.....which was closed without explanation......the buses a disorganized, unstructured disaster   ok Ill stop whining but for five nights in a row I was stuck late in the city I perform and work at night I must be able to take a train or easily get a car at 2am what have you. It was hard but not impossible before the storm Sandy hurricane. Now its a stress that is unbearable. so.....I am eager to start again. at some time soon I am moving back to bklyn and also do not want to .......am hoping (cross my fingers hope!) I will get the chance I anticipate to be in the warmth come winter.......love NYC but need to break from it.....for a short bit. Of course I cant really leave but need.......an out. A short one

last post

apologies if that last was somewhat inane I was typing from an android and it was really hard to edit. I realize whine fest should be wine fest.....grapes and goblins what have you.....

waking.....

i bought this stuff florida water.....on a suggestion. never had this before.......vichy for my face and b2b for my hair. this stuff (not florida water) is pricey but you know it had to be. also tekkai holding stuff for my hair. i needed this......it feels like freshly spun silk though the styling lotion is a little heavy writing this as a diversion from this stff before I wrote. Its hard looking back feelits definitely not my best. More like a whine fest and over the top......I mean that's not me. Plus.....I am watching all these makeup channels. Also.....for the hell of it I bought some markers.....

photos and art

I despise Christmas music

and winter . I do not want to be here! I HATE the cold. And Christmas music. God someone please kill me.....this is why punk rock was invented......

back stranded and spooked and cold

because of the goddamn path trains not running....what jerks. I'm pissed. Three nights in a row I've been stuck til 5am. But one can turn on not good thing around.....I'm bleary eyed, squinty.......ripped apart, pulled apart, scared, really scared. Not like in fear for my physical safety. More like.......the dreams I've been having. As well as personal issues. But the dreams.....I haven't written on them. One was....I keep dreaming about the place my father lived in in Chicago. The high rise. In another life, another world. I lived there. I visited him during the summer as a teenager. After spending time in that BORING house in the hamptons.....sorry. But there was nothing for me there....at the time. I was fifteen, we lived right over 6th avenue and 4th street. Not a place to be for a teenager. How can you concentrate when everyone around you is having a fucking party, all the time? I didn't do well, in school. It wasn't good. I digress. Anyhow, I would visit Dad in Chicago and it's been so long........back then it was a pretty decent place to be. My friends there knew every hip place in town, where all the music and theater was happening, and we were right in those circles. The people in Ministry and Smashing Pumpkins as well as the Chicago theater actors, and formerly among my mother's friends the creme de la creme of the journalism and social world were all circling around me. Indirectly, but there you are. It's a small world there though.....so......

I am not in touch with any of these people any more. You know. It's hard. Chicago is a gorgeous city (with an ugly name) and has much going for it but there was something about New York which pulled me back. Something just wasn't right I couldn't put my finger on it.....I had to return to NYC.  That was how I felt......then. Actually it's how I still feel. 

So in this one dream I had.....about a month ago.....really bizarre. I'm in my dad's place, the high rise. He had moved there from this creepy basement apartment he'd had with a spiral staircase leading down to the basement of hell, it must have been....one which gives me nightmares. I used to see stuff there. He had a water bed. Truly scary this basement. The walls were exposed brick.....red, of course RED. I dreamt once I was sleeping on the couch...cause as a kid I'd get scared sometimes, go down the staircase from my room upstairs to sleep on this couch he had had by the bed.....I dreamt once I was sleeping there and Satan came out. I guess at the time Satan was the boogyman or what have you. I know there are those who view him different. But that's how I saw him then. Really this was like the sequence in Rosemary's Baby.....but anyway. So. He moved to a high rise overlooking the lake. Dad I mean. It was scenic, and dull. It overlooked a swimming pool that belonged to the building across from us. I'm not a fan of high rises. But I'd stand on the balcony summers and watch all the pool bathers. .......a TV and living room......where I'd watch movies all the time.......led out the door to this.  So .....in this dream I'm digressing again please chalk it up to sleep deprivation, being stranded, extreme pressure and......what I'm about to write about.......this guy, an actor......I won't say who it doesn't matter......he's auditioning actresses. Some women walk in....they are fairly well dressed up, like for an occasion. One of them goes out to the balcony and vomits. I think we're handed a script. I ask this woman sitting next to me, who is ....she seems Eastern European, what this is.....is it an audition. Before this....I am constantly dreaming of Lake Michigan....constantly. I am speed boating through the lake, through the park there....the water is warm, it's summer, then it's icy, then I pass cat o nines or something......then back to this apartment. I think.....just after Sandy.....I had another one that I was in this apartment......and Lake Michigan flew in in a tsunami......all the way up to where we were (22 flights up).....this could all be, according to Freud, a sexual sublimation. That must be it.

So

The 70s

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted


To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

Sylvia Plath "Tulips"    

Well, this is what the LES WAS at some time.....all was not sunshine and rainbows but still.......


This is a still from a film called "The Panic in Needle Park" I haven't seen it but would like to. Because I'm into things macabre. That's me, though. Here's the link: It was made in 1971. I think I may have seen something like this on TV when I was in France. Or a French version of it.

http://corrierino.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=938643&sid=2aa4601984a1c6d70c9748ed64f51fd3


Now THIS is a fucking depressing song: The Velvet Underground "Heroin"

"Away from the big city


Where a man cannot be free

Of all the evils in this town

And of himself and those around

Oh, and I guess I just don't know

Oh, and I guess I just don't know"

By Lou Reed

Coyote Ugly?

Back during the 90s....I didn't go see that film. But the character, as a songwriter.......that's what I wanted so much, to sing and write pop and dance songs. Singing turned out not to be my thing.....I tried and cracked up so hard, picturing myself as Piper Parabo in that film. But no matter, I can dance to these songs.......


Jellyhead Crush


In my dorm room at Hunter....constantly had this CD going figure what have you......

mental distress but getting there

the events of recently......brutal hell of the past two weeks that nearly wrecked my life........I cross my fingers and toes and whatever else......let them be over SOON. I must be having PSST or something. Again, all my thanks, in ways words can't express, to those who were helpful. I'm having very weird experiences with something. Yesterday was devastating. There were, interspersed.....um, better things. But not which I would write about here. I was able to run.....sort of. Tiny little steps. Bizarre and somewhat embarrassing.......in a small space in the park. But considering two months ago just walking was painful it's progress.

this week

Really hellish and nearly killed me in a lot of ways. I haven't been to my place in over a week. Everything is delayed, strained and today was.......I kind of had that feeling yesterday something (not just the storm, I knew about that) was going to happen, and it did. Friends have come through, and I'm thankful to them. Family as well. There are issues which I won't write about, personal ones, that have shaken me terribly today.  It should be over tomorrow. FINALLY over. I hope. I hope. 
Transportation, work, money, have all been severely interfered with. There are many people who have been sympathetic and helpful, which I am grateful for. Others could stand to be a little more. 

Today, another power outage on the train. This I found out after sitting on a bus for an hour and a half, from 8th st to 68th. We sat and sat and sat and sat. What option was there? The trains weren't running, there was snow and hail outside.

The worst part is the simple things like changing my clothes, re-polishing my nails, my shoes......my boots were soaked through (duh, forgot to wear rain boots) in the rain as I was walking in it for an hour and half and I am lucky I still have my toes. I threw them out (the boots) and bought a pair of storm ones which are ugly as sin but at least they are useful in this particular situation. And walking is not so painful and freezing.

I could theorize on this......what caused it.......many things. In my personal experience......well, I have my own understanding. Another time for that. If I got through this, like I did today, it was by a hair margin. Really. 
And it will all be over soon....back to life. Mine. I hope. I hope. I hope. XO

degrees of separation?

I tend to be in my head so much I don't realize how I'm connected to the people around me .....you know you see people but don't realize they are a link to someone else. Facebook helped me see that. I saw the film Six Degrees of Separation when it came out.....but the mystery sometimes is what is it that is connecting me to people?

post storm

I have MUCH to write on this......so bizarre. My goodness. One highlight is I learned to play Bridge. I stayed with family. I haven't been to Jersey in a week. I have a lot of things to deal with once I get there. This has been a catastrophe but we're fortunate to have the basics which I'm grateful. There are many things happening around the city I want to be a part of and have to make decisions as to what when where. I have pictures I took pre-storm. This will be yet another documentation of it. We could have been far worse off....at least we had the basics. But by that I mean the bare minimum....at least a roof over our heads, food, running water, a stove, coffee......candlelight. Lights are back on. I don't know if I can get the PATH to JC. Halloween was missed....but being I am always late anyhow I will do a usual Laura LATE Halloween performance.....in my costume. I have at least been practicing. My friend was kind enough to let me stay at his place a couple days. I caught up on the TV shows I like to watch.....and a very bizarre incident there. I will write more shortly.

me......

I rarely wear this much make up....but I'm getting more into this! I was going for a retro china doll look....I think it looks period 18th century a la Barry Lyndon......a little

times and storms

It's Sylvia Plath's birthday.......poor dead genius. This makes me a little teary. I'm not sure the mechanics of it all.....my head is hurting, my flesh is weak, there's a storm coming......I'm being tortured and have been for days now. I am, in the words of the great U.S. hero Timothy McVeigh, broken but unbowed. Perhaps her soul has inspired me and I've reached out to people I've been thinking about for some time but didn't have the courage to. But with the moon waxing into full, Plath's anniversary......and who knows what building, and cinnamon, patchouli burning in the window, the Sun having just entered Scorpio.......now's the time. And......I may have just made a total fool of myself. Also in terms of the storm......? This changes a lot. Not sure what I'll do.....

Page of Staves

got this twice: page of staves. as some kind of adversary, but right side up so maybe this is not an ill-intentioned person. weird. says she (probably a she) will be helpful. twice I got that a young female is going to help me or hurt me or both........always unclear ..... This is so well-written this site and insightful........in times of crisis I come here.....


who is this ? or is it me they're talking about? I'm in my own way and I'm going to help myself? 

this is what they wrote :

Page of Staves: A young person of faithful countenance who, even unintentionally, helps others. An unofficial Hermes: a carrier of important news, an envoy, a guide, a pleasant stranger. A suave, bring and noble soul.


Twice something about this. ......! 

getting back

hi there...... well. there's supposed to be a bitch of a storm coming my way to lovely jersey city! I hope that means with the storm will come a super duper super surge of stuff my way! Things I've been asking for.......



 

Say It Isn't So - Hall & Oates

I used to watch this video when I lived in Chicago....haven't seen it in many many many moons....but now I recognize they're on the water....same where I was running constantly before my injury

Goth store, Halloween

oh good ness gracious where does the time go? Still have no Halloween plans, though I can guess to myself in an ideal world what I'd do. This is an amazing corner of New York City, near a church I was taken to as a high schooler. There's a crazy costume store right next to it.....how do I say? Cheesy maybe to say but .....how to put it.....it's otherworldly.

I

am just mad because I wasted so much time on this issue. And.......suffered unnecessarily. Absolutely unnecessarily. Jesus where was my sanity? People tried to tell me I admit I turned a blind eye. This all coincided, if you want to call it that, with Michael Jackson's death......Amy Winehouse died near my birthday. I read something about soul appropriation or...well anyway. Not me trying to do this.

sitting on the bus today, in the rain

watching the city......still fascinated by the 1970s or obsessed or something. I'd been discussing with a friend the subject of parallel universes.....a giant collider, I think that's what it's called, running between Germany and Switzerland......that can target and separate the tiniest atom particles. The name will come back. Somehow there is a connection with this and the above mentioned. This article I saw in National Examiner (fine, laugh...hey it's not me writing this) said if parallel universes exist then somewhere Elvis is alive, and has been and will be living the same life thousands of times over. Ditto of course for everyone else. But this is slowly being proven. How bizarre is life......Everything we've been taught is wrong?

again

I have much to add ...... some women are so desperate to keep a man who is not in love with them it's.....I've heard of them resorting to basically blackmail/extortion. No joke. That's when you KNOW you are pathetic!

Money Pak scam?

Something going on here. Something really not good. Ugh.

cafe pick me up

makes the most awesome bruschettas...I think they're called that. honey, goat cheese, fresh coriander....something like that. I think. It's a pretty setting, too. Unfortunately, a friend of mine had a problem with one of the waiters there, who harassed her. Same at Simone. That is obviously not ok. Too bad.....I was fond of these places.....

sorry(

so behind. catching up

Today is my father's birthday

Happy Birthday Dan! Love you and may you be in a better place.

good news

I have a space heater now.....because of this I am getting scads of sleep which is helping

GOD DAMN IT

lost my phone again. so aggravating! off to get a replacement.....

have to have heat

off to find a heater......I went to five stores yesterday and could not find one. Amazingly I managed to sleep....a lot.....and not get sick which I normally do when I sleep in the cold. It's actually kind of nice, like a crispy chilliness not that relentless grey gloom that comes typically with winter, though it's still fall. I'm so behind on my plans don't know what on earth to do for Halloween except, hmm? Either go out and party hardy or else something peaceful and private. I'd normally do the second one.

OMG search?

Not sure how I ended up there. Anyway. I took down some stuff as the response I got was a little unsettling. They aren't "nude" pictures anyway.....weren't meant to be taken as that. The other stuff....that person is gone thankfully. Period. It also ......it just wasn't my best stuff. I have written many many pages by hand which I'll transcribe shortly. Crazy as always.

it shall be soon. I'm on super super deadline for something else. Was supposed to do that but inexplicably ended up writing til 5am. maybe I should submit this instead.

wall art in NYC

While I was walking around one night....getting on the train I found this painting. Not sure the artist.....I thought it was pretty disturbing but well done.

at rite aid, a few days ago

This is Hoboken at like 7am or so. It was a really pretty scene with the seagulls flying around. They were having their breakfast, I suppose. I fed them a couple slices of blueberry cake.

since I'm here

at the computer with no pen, among other problems......I'll post some of my art.....

oh.....

this day is the anniversary of something.......oh god. I know this date very well. Maybe that has to do with what I'm writing about.......anyway.

today, last night

IOOh I believe, though I haven't checked thoroughly....it's the beginning of fall equinox. Not surprisingly, considering the intensity of everything. On the up side well a bunch of things. I'm writing new material first time in a while. It's pretty crazy......stuff......everything will be done far differently this time as now I konw what I'm doing. A few other new things. One terrible thing, or person rather, is leaving FINALLY .....this creep who moved in as a neighbor who was yelling at me and threatening and spying on me is LEAVING may he never return. I was feeling unsafe for the first time ever where I was living. His stupid smoke alarm went off the other morning while he was out. He's the only one who smokes. The window fell as I was trying to fix it...mine....as it cracks in an annoying way....and I cut my finger, or rather it did. Blood spurt out for a bit......finally it began to clot and dry and I guess I'll live. My leg was sprained and I had to stay off it for a week I am feeling dreadfully out of shape but it's finally healed thank you very much.....ice and tons of rest.


Dreams:

This one....just this afternoon, or rather from yesterday.....I was auditioning for Star Wars.....walked into some kind of basement but like a studio......all kinds of machinery and like ships and stuff like a set. The cast of the film was there....but instead of them like their bodies they were plastic....like Barbie dolls or something....but still moving and talking normally.  These women who used to be in a feminist group I used to visit were admitting people....and they, one of them, was lecturing me about not showing up to something or forgetting...but she let me through. Had me fill out some kind of paper.....you know like the ones they give you. 


Side note: I'm obsessed with the make up tutorials by Pixiwoo.....she's putting on red mascara in one I'm watching. I've gotta try that.....this particular woman Sam has eyes like mine though hers are like sea green...gorgeous.....anyhow. Digression.

The night before I dreamt I was in Egypt. Maybe due to some crazy article I read online on ritual murders.....pretty fucked up obviously. Let me just say that ANYONE who thinks performing a ritual murder is going to help them in any way like a sacrifice to the gods.....is not a sane human being nor an example of anything. In one particular instance it backfired on this person.....what a dumbwit. Anyway. So I am in Egypt and going back to a place I stayed in when I was there. Except I didn't stay there but rather used to live in an apartment in Evanston when I lived there as a kid that looked like that. I think this guy I had been seeing was there, too. The next night....there was a show on about Egypt I heard on the TV ...I could hear from my room.


I had this feeling like the blood spilling from me earlier was like some kind of symbolic part of the rite of fall....something like that. The new moon. And from elsewhere. Have to say blood rather fascinates me. I was reading an article on bloodstain pattern analysis.....as well as on the suicide/suspected murder of Kurt Cobain among others..... Freakily similar. But to go into that is.....too long for now. Oh, yes. And something else. I don't want to reveal too much....but such was not what I thought.....some new unexpected element has entered. But that too perhaps pissed some off.....? hm.

Madonna booed off stage in Paris after fans pay £200 a head for concert ...

  I'm being harsh here but for a reason.....one of real humanity among other things; and in the service of art and spirituality, that which is genuine and from the source. At the beginning Madonna told people to "start saving their pennies, I'm worth it." Hm. Doesn't seem that way, does it? I could have told these people from the get go to spend their money for much better, higher purposes. I only am exposing this ugly truth for what it is in the instance of some horrific and terrible acts of brutality I've witnessed from those in her circles, and her. And for the fact that there are those who attempted to censor and harm me. I thank the workings of justice, peace and human rights. In French they were saying the show should have been free. I would not go to see it if they paid me.

checking in!

I have not really been able to sleep well. So much going on. I'm brimmed over. All spilling out. I was hurt in my right knee (same problem, goes away, comes back) I twisted and sprained the hell out of it. For three days I had to stay as inactive as possible, considering this is NYC and it's not really possible to do that. There's someone renting a room where I live who is creepy and weird and who I pray and will and whatever else will work will leave because I'm getting a vibe like the Unibomber or you know  that type. Part of why I'm distressed and restless. Not the only reason. There are other, better things, thank you. But so much of what I thought was......how do I say? There've been some drastic changes. A lot of bizarre happenings. My instincts turned out to be not paranoia but very real and true. 

I'm listening to Sasha and Digweed Delta Heavy....God I don't get tired of writing about them! Something about this mix.....was so wound up I put this on at 5am.......what is it? Partly that I refuse to be in NYC for winter and Miami is one place I'll be alternately.....I love it there! White sand and sea shells, to start. And of course the waves.....other stuff I won't go into .....

as for the present

Yes I have lots going on and am.....I have to memorize my own words as I'm supposed to recite them tomorrow night. I'm really prepared! Last night.....for .....I had been kind of brainstorming this week for new material and anyhow....I got the idea to do a monologue...as I hadn't done anything really dramatic or seen any plays in so long. It's nice to see people do that because it's relatively rare. It was from a Margaret Atwood book....and went over fabulously. I relate so strongly to the material and to the character.....even though she's more or less a villain in the book.

so that and.......I took a million great photos but had some kind of problem uploading them....I will try to do this presently......these were taken around the city at night....the first is a costume shop next to Grace Church.......more graffiti art....and at the train station.

hi.....D!D ect

It's been yet again a while since I posted. Now that I have better internet access.......

I went to Under St. Marks yesterday.....performed at 2:30 AM as usual.....I wonder if I'm destined to perform with Goodwin, the rappers and Bob Bell. I think I am. But I could do worse! They're all brilliant acts....I'm very pleased that there is so much creativity in the city still. I made some new friends last night who were kind enough to shelter me at their place in Washington Heights and save me the tedious trip back to Jersey City at 3 in the morning. They had the most darling three cats; one was kind of a midget and very super friendly. It's so pretty up there.....as are the buildings and apartments. Sigh. It brought back memories being up there....of when I lived there at different times in my life. I found John Digweed's Global Underground album on YouTube I suppose a bootlegged copy. I've had so many copies and versions of that CD! Back....what was it? Like 13 years ago, goodness.......weird how the past comes back to bite you or maybe just slap you in the butt! My friends live at the train station I used to get off at back then......I had broken up with my boyfriend of the time (whom I ran into by the Path train recently....him coming back from a "rave" he looks the same and hasn't changed....) and took a room up in the Heights in a panic as I had hardly anywhere else. It's a mostly Dominican neighborhood.......this place I used to go to for cafe con leche in the mornings there......there's probably nowhere in NYC where they make them that great. You just won't find it. The person I rented from was a real prick, unfortunately. Everyone was cool except the one I was in most proximity with. But......for the time being.....I know that period so intensely because it was a time in which at times I suffered horribly BUT something happened in the interim and I became really blessed too.....cheesy? There was so much change occurring. For a while...it was great. I moved in with a friend of my mom's who lived downtown (after I fell out with that person up there) and my job was on Whitehall Street....so few people have the luxury of paying very low rent to live in lower Manhattan......I'd get these giant Mochas in the morning on the way to work.....so I'm listening to this CD now and anyway. That and being in that area. All in the summer and year leading up to 9/11. And I'd had many premonitions of that as well. For a while, though.......it was good. I used to make weekend trips to London, Berlin. Where am I going with this.....? ??? And performing, then, in my friend Andru McCann's show.....and he was so sweet as he recently cast me in one of his films........! I hadn't acted in forever. Anyway. 

So I got off the train from the Heights coming back to the present.....they were kind enough to let me doze off after that very intense night on St. Marks.......I must have stuffed my face in a copybook way....from last night perogis (from the Ukrainian place) cream, beer, whiskey soda and today veggie burgers, cheese and fries.....hardly diet food.....I got off the train at 66th street (the signs there.....as I have the OCD obsession with numbers.....66th street on one side then another became 6666.......? meaning of that?) because the car I was in had no AC and usually I like it on the warm side but this was ridiculous.....I was sweating miserably and wearing the outfit from last night....starting to feel like trailer trash indeed.....and very fat. I went over to ------- and not sure what I'd do except use the computers because they are much faster than what I have in JC. I used to run constantly on the west side bike path but in spite of articles I read recently saying running is good for joints......after my injury from this summer I"m worried I'd hurt myself......but I can write and finally upload all these pix......

thanks to you uptown for hosting me)

I am.....

these my earrings 
these ones diamonds 
the others gold 
the silver of the moon I am of it 

I've stepped outside myself I can't feel my mind 
all us, never was anything but 
it was a box, a horror hell I was shut in

all these sparks are mine 





my new words. still have to finish memorizing. why is this hard? the news is full of intense stuff. I'm waiting to see many people whom I miss. I hope I see them soon. 

Buying books.....cause I still do.....

I went to Barnes and Nobles...the one down on Warren St. First of all....don't know if I wrote this before....I had discovered, at the neighboring Whole Foods, this machine that takes your blood pressure. This is when I was running by the river ( I miss that. Hoboken across the way....... Soon.) But my BP and oxygen saturation levels are all at normal. One less, better still! I .......I guess I'm someone who needs......what do I say? Maybe inspiration of some kind?

So I ....excuse my digression.....went to B and N because there are some books I REALLY want to read but they didn't have the ones I wanted. I was talking to the clerk, a young man.......maybe it was for moral reasons what have you.....I was asking for a book "Autobiography of a Blue Eyed Devil" by Inga Muscio.....which was out. This is a very important book and this store has a way of not having the books I want to read...that I consider important. Another was one on Pope Joan......which was a best seller in Europe. They did, however, have another book by Muscio...the clerk  told me, "I don't want to say it...." and showed me the screen....it was her other book "Cunt." I  then asked if they had "Rhett Butler's People" I think the author is named Donald McCegg....I have to check but due to my not being able to run too many windows I'm delaying.....also out. Finally...dying to read this..... "All the President's Men" by Bernstein and Woodward. I didn't get that...though they had it.....for some reason....I ended up getting a Bantam copy of Pride and Prejudice. Mainly because every time I'm in the store, any book store, there are, at every blink of an eye, always more spinoffs on this story. I've read it a couple times....but often there's stuff you miss the first or second....I'm reading that now having watched one BBC miniseries with my mom recently. Yes.....it all has sunk in much more than previously......awesome story of course.......

And the crime stories.....recently finished, and am re-reading.....Pulse by John Lutz. I looked for Single White Female (that one in particular I'm interested in) ......

more to come....

The internet access here is slow...... I have some great stuff which I will post as SOON as I get a better connection.

So yes it's been a while....but I have not been idle. My knee is slowly coming into its own me being the drama queen I imagined the worst.....but cross fingers ect. good. I haven't run....anywhere except, kind of funny, briefly around my room. I am on the ground floor and there are no people downstairs.  I have TONS of really great pictures to post but I'm having trouble doing this .....presently...to be fixed.

I do have a back yard which needs a lot of work. I know there are feral cats running around the area......don't even want to get started on this topic. For personal reasons. But...I bought some food and have been leaving it out....and someone is eating it. The cans are empty and the food is eaten. I hear one cat but don't see him.....and the neighbor's dogs bark I think when he/she comes around. Anyone want to fix up this yard? Just needs to be weeded. I did this once.....at another place. You need mosquito repellant .....and to keep your legs and arms covered. There's even a BBQ pit someone left....don't know how workable it is. .....? I never do that.

I will be back shortly......much more exciting stuff than this.....or should I say even more....


Oh yes.

whew!

Long time since I last posted. Apologies. Damn internet sloooowwwww......


I read in the papers that $13 million worth of cocaine was recently siezed in Bayonne. Imagine that!


I am not watching the presidential campaigns because they are so disturbing and depressing. To me. I am watching shows like Criminal Minds like recently if I had other lives I'd be a forensic scientist.....a coroner it's quite fascinating to me. Really all those shows. Cold Case is another. Of course Law and Order.

For comedy my favorites are Seinfield and Two and a Half Men. John Cryer is so awesome!

So what else? I AM writing new poetry and I have to memorize my own words. Certain nefarious fuckers at one time decided to try to rip off my work. On that another time. Boy was I naive at one time! But no more. I'm very excited though I've been working very hard on new material.

This week has been tumultous. Maybe it's negativity in the air....the people yesterday who were murdered (the knife weilding maniac in Times Square....one more reason not to hang around that area. And the triathlete.....I admire them for being able to do so much activity and I suppose deaths are not that common but they do occur. People don't understand why (another coroner's job?) but swimming in the Hudson...bleh. I give all my kudos to anyone who can do that!

There will be more to come.....

Marx Brothers

My mom introduced me to them....took me to see a series of films of theirs when I was a kid. Recently, I watched You Bet Your Life ......a little hard to understand them. He's influenced so many comedians and his life story, from what I found on Wikipedia don't know that that's the best source....but very interesting. Also, Rod Serling, of the Twilight Zone fascinating stuff....what he was about. I didn't know that show had political overtones....imagine if he was writing today?

been up and about

I made some progress yesterday and was able to walk with no discomfort. Only in these times do you realize the streets are slanted in a way as to cause pain if your bad leg is on the part that's elevated. So I have to go out of my way to make sure I'm on the right side of the street. Yesterday I was doing some stretching and so on...a lot actually. I must have sprained it a second time. I sat down on the bed and felt some kind of spasm or snap.....as it's not healed yet. I have to now go to a doctor as I figure it's a sprain but best to know. This does not happen without a day of drudgery and eight hours of my f***ing time dealing with insurance and bureaucracy (man, I'm a class A speller but always have trouble with that word).  Now I have to make a trip which I'm dreading, to radio shack to get a new phone. The one close to me doesn't have the one I want.


I need to stop whining. A lot is good. I was out this morning not wanting to get out of bed....but the scenery is beautiful. The river and parks in the morning.

LMFAO - sexy and you know it

  OK I wasn't going to .....but here it is. As written below......the connection to this song is I did run then.....the dead of winter. This deli I spent so much time at this winter.....cold wind and drafts and KTU on the radio constantly.......but a place where I could sit and do whatever. A lot of the Mexican workers would come there after work.....bringing endless cerveza which they shared with me often.....then this African guy a real weirdo. Then this other person ...who......oh .......I made a few friends around here as well as working in the area so I often see this in a good light as in money made......can't complain.

Moves Like Jagger - Maroon 5 featuring Christina Aguilera

When I first heard this I thought it was the dumbest song....I didn't know it was Maroon 5....even though I like other stuff of theirs (Adam Levine is cute). But what the significance? This winter.....when I practically lived at this deli on 28th st.....many a stranded night in fucked up weather....but some good came of the dilemma that I wrote and drew....will post shortly. Living in Jersey City can equal "living" on subways and coffee shops. And this tune played constantly.....pretty cool words now that I know them. This song and what....LMFAO "I'm Sexy and I Know It." A particular one with that....I met these awesome punk kids from Milwaukee....they had the accent and everything. They were....in transition between apartments (not that I know what that's like) the girl said...."We don't....live anywhere....." but they weren't down and out and pathetic; the opposite. They were always on the move......from state to state.  Well, to each their thing. They had about 20 suitcases between them. They were vibrant and full of life. They were talking about that LMFAO song...."this is so dumb...." so my thoughts hearing this stuff goes to them. Haven't seen them since.

Injuries suck

I must have suffered a.....I know not what yet. Suddenly....I felt my knee pop and could ....I could move it but not run without that happening. I cried out in frustration and fear more than pain. For 24 hours I've barely been able to bend without searing, burning sensations. I have to do like a plie just to walk, looks like I'm trying not to pee my pants in the street. Then wincing and moaning. It's gotten better. I figured I sprained it.....I have to make an appointment to get it looked at. I've been through this in the past.....hours of waiting, then x rays, to be told I sprained it, here's two Advils, a bandage, move it around to reduce swelling and inflammation. You who can bend your knees and straighten them easily you are f***ing lucky! Don't take anything for granted I know now.

Republican presidents....music art flourishes? more to discuss 1980s

I love the pink hair

God I love it. I love it. I miss that.

Music but not the fashion

ugh......acid wash  thumbs down

Adventures Of Stevie V. - Dirty Cash 1990s....Republican Prez....music's better? contd

  

Conservative presidents = better music?

a la 1990 thereabouts......let's not forget lalapadoozas

Saturday Night Fever (John Travolta) - You should be dancing

   I know again I apologize for my absence.....I've been holed up not too unhappily in Jersey. It's lovely to have trees, a huge old cemetary, crickets at the train station and something of a back yard.......

Anyway, yes I'm working on new creative material. Among these things a book. 

But I've seen this film an uncountable number of times and it's one of those things you don't get tired of. This has to  be one of the greatest achievements in film really.....just genius from the direction (John Badham) dancing of course and music.....I saw the documentary on this film it's SO fascinating. John Travolta slaved for months preparing for this....he lost weight (dancing like that you'd have to) and some of these moves make me laugh....guess maybe that's intentional?

Romeo - Basement Jaxx

  Hey sorry to be MIA I've been holed up in Jersey Town with limited internet.....soon to change! I love this video....I have been going to Curry in a Hurry for over a decade and they always have the Bollywood music videos going....obviously this is a spinoff of that.....

Science

I was thinking a lot on this subject...have been for a time now.....science vs. spirituality and art and that they're not opposed to each other. I have a conviction that they're not......though; science certainly blew the lid off many religious themes like creation. Oops, the universe is older than 7,000 years. The world was not created in seven days. However.....in these themes is a pattern anyone, at least one of seven, thank you very much, which is my number, as my birthday is July (the seventh month) 25, which adds up to seven. The autobiography of Malcolm X also stresses this number. More on that later. An amazing book. So.....there's a contradiction.....a grey area that's neither here nor there. Some is right some is not. I personally don't follow the creation story because I see it as being derived from older religions and their stories......same as the Noah's ark is similar enough to the Gilgamesh story.....

Science is based on the facts, hard science. Well and good. On some very personal topics which I'm reluctant to write about here.....there's a misperception that one has to believe in them. I'm basing this on some youtube videos by Venus Satanas. But experience with something, seeing, feeling, knowing.....is not believing in it. Something happened and that's factual, it's not something you dreamed up.......belief to me is.....you read about or hear about something, you like the way it sounds, so you decide to live your life as if it's real, without it being proven to you. Belief can be a wonderful thing and not anything to shun.....as your imagination and emotions take over and create a brilliant exuberant experience.....but I can't use that as a foundation for something. ANYWAY......science has, from the beginning, been twisted to justify oppressive systems in society. Namely sexism and racism. Evolutionary psychology.....there's good and bad in everything....but in the worst scenarios what was somebody's generalization and personal opinion of how or why something happened is misinterpreted as fact, this in popular media and often in school. Being in a school library....seeing the things they're studying.....we can't say there hasn't been some progress.

Believe it or not, this is an excerpt from a textbook that was taught to college girls in the 1950s....this was presented as fact, dare I say science? Well, sociology. Again....a nebulous area.

Excerpted from The Feminine Mystique....originally a book called Marriage for Moderns. This was taught in COLLEGE.

  The sexes are complementary. It is the works of my watch that move the hands to enable me to tell time......Together they form a functioning unit. 

It goes on in this vein......clearly a person's opinion presented as hard unquestionable truth. Imagine going to school, a prestigious one like Smith or Barnard, paying the tuition, and this being taught. But wait, it gets better. 

To talk about what would happen  if tradition and the mores were radically changed or what may come about by the year 2000 may be interesting mental gymnastics, but it does not help the young people of today to adjust to the inevitables of life or raise their marriages to a higher plane of satisfaction. 

 Well, it's 2012 and in many ways the mores have been radically changed. Ironically, adjusting to the inevitables of life didn't prepare them for what became more than "interesting mental gymnastics" .....

There's more.

For the first time in history, American young women in great numbers are being faced with these questions: shall I voluntarily prepare myself for a lifelong, celibate career? Or shall I prepare myself for a temporary vocation.....

Can you imagine this? Going to school and this is your curriculum......TFM said this was taught for twenty years, probably more than that....in COLLEGE.  I know I'm going on a rant...another....but there are people who want to go BACK to this.

 

Falco - Rock Me Amadeus

   Austrian hip hop ca 1984....didn't know it existed? From what I can decipher....the opening line is "he was a punk and he lived in the big city" "he was Viennese, was Vienna" ......the past meets the then present.....Falco is an icon in Austria ....he passed away a few years ago.

The opening line of the film, based on the play, is "Mozart, I killed you I confess....." I was really into this film (based on the play by Peter Shaffer, which I also saw)  ....Elizabeth Berrige was pretty miscast and got quite a lot of criticism....she was cute but not very believable as an 18th century Viennese (not Vietnamese....uh! almost said that) woman. Tom Hulce was very cute guess I'm not the only one who thinks so from the YouTube comments!

clothes washed

I ran for an hour...came back and did a ton of laundry. it's tedious but purifying.....had to wash off all the confusion of the past few days.

tried so hard

I tried so hard to suppress it. But it couldn't be......something, something happened. As much as I'd try to forget.....forget it would creep back into my thoughts. He would. What he thought, or knew.....he seemed to know more than he was telling me.

This happened at ......just a few blocks away, same time, Obama was giving a speech to Barnard. That would solidify the events in my mind......the meaning of this? If there are no coincidences.....

vampires?

He had fangs....real fangs! Are those implants? I asked....no....they were real; he was born with them. And green eyes. Is that .....

for my own mistakes I'm sorry

really.......oh.........

I accept responsibility. 

But by banishing what was hurting me in so many ways.....the horizon is brighter and clearer....the better for me to see and correct it all. Freedom! It's no small thing.

to say worse

if you have to go to these lengths  to keep a man who has told you repeatedly it's over, for two, three years...what has it been? You are truly pathetic and desperate!

will write more later when I have time

of the many awful sites I saw on my way up here....what's happened to this city?......was her name . any deviation or anything derived. it was that in conjunction with construction sites with ugly scaffolding, ladders being taped off, stuff falling off buildings (a danger to everyone in the area) ugh a horror, through and through! She's gone and ties are being severed everywhere......it's her fault alone. She's an obsessive, evil and hate-filled maniac and it shows as her cover blows apart, finally. To those who know, you know whom I am speaking of, and soon the world will know as well.Or rather, will they forget? I'd say to those who are her friends, I can only suggest you find better company. Don't give your attention, money or kudos to those whose lives and motivations center around causing innocent people harm in order to aggrandize themselves......simply earning credit where it isn't due. Give instead to those who are making a heartfelt contribution to the world creatively. Fakes, thieves and emotional vampires (not meant an any way complimentary) should be left on the sidelines, rightly, where they can't cause any more damage than they have.

Naked Juice

This is coming across as a plug....I don't mean it to be. But I'm turning to these they're awesome.....full of vitamins B and C....if your life is super active like mine....I do NOT advocate fasting with only these though as some are doing. That's just insanity!

cat adopts rabbit

precious!

on the up side

That which hurt me so devastatingly in the past few years is GONE! I'm free now!

First trip anywhere in ages...to the midwest and life and .....so much is brilliant and lit up and in front of me. And it's ......what words? Freedom!

OK, on to better things

I apologize for being so grim, but I was forced to face this ugly issue that will soon, thank god, fall into the wasteland and decay and be gone. This person is getting hit hard and nasty, but she only is getting what she did to others. Sorry, but it's deserved. This is someone who out of resentment of me and obsession did everything she could to interfere in my life, my relationships and art and attacked me (not to my face, the coward) behind my back assuming I'd never know. Well, you will never do anything to me that I will not find out about. This is someone who entitled herself to a special place in the world that no one else is allowed to be in. Me being among those she put me (wrongly) with, some other ?????, I somehow am not entitled to own my own work, my own money, my own fame, my own life.....my home. It all belongs to her, so she thinks. Obviously, those ideas are false she does not, never has and never will have any right to anything I produce or anything in my life. She thinks the world will never catch up with her. Again, she's wrong. But she's the one who has to look in the mirror (and I shudder to think what a scary experience that is) and face herself alone.......and then the rest. Sad to watch, but she had it coming.

Sometimes a person has everything in this world going for them but they still take a tumble down and you wonder why.....who knows only I can think maybe there are other things at work (like the fact that you suck, among other things).