3:30 and still going

I never rest, except when I'm sleeping, which is more like stealing sleep. There is not one minute of my day that isn't filled up with things to do. I work, have to make money for my rent, cats, savings for the future, trips, bills (ugh), phone, transportation, clothes, occasional.......(whisper) sex toys (like the one I just bought at a sleazy porn shop on Saint Marks)....but I tell myself, after all the stress of this past weekend and working so hard I deserve at least a good vibrator. I decided I really love erotic writing and film maybe you can call it porn.....I mean, I hate anything that demeans women and Lord knows there's a lot of that out there......but the world of sex fantasy is fascinating to me....but I'm digressing....My point is, I never have a minute that's just for me. It feels that way. Then, I feel sometimes like I can't trust anyone and everyone has an agenda (paranoia?) and there are people who will smile to your face then stab you in the back. There's been so much fighting in the activist world and things took a nasty turn a few times in the past few years. But I did learn. Still, I want to do something more meaningful, artistic....I still want to study philosophy and act (why I'm at the computer at this hour, getting ready to do another mailing) and I need a life that is not just about survival, paying the rent, or working dead end jobs that are way beneath me just so I can pay the rent. I really want to study and find "meaning" beyond what is just superficial which is the majority of what I hear around me.