he said

I fantasize about raping you pinching your nipples pulling off your panties and forcing you.....I said have you had these fantasies about anyone else and he said no. He said I wouldn't really rape someone I'm not a "real" rapist. I wouldn't know, I hope I never do. I said if you felt that way why didn't you do it? And he said, because it's illegal. I said, if it were not would you do it? He said I don't really want to hurt anyone. Then he said I fantasize about you sucking me with tears in your eyes it's a turnon that you're afraid.......

I saw these books on his shelf that said "My First Wedding" there were about four of them and I asked him if he's getting married.........

False alarm.......it's his friend. Why do I keep going there? There's no reason I have to. Maybe I shouldn't. But a part of me can't help it, almost. I'm so numb now my throat hurts it's the strangest feeling almost.....religious or something. Simone de Beauvoir wrote "the dream of annihilation is actually an avid will to exist" and that applies to this situation the "love religion." Or the saint "down on her knees receiving the Holy Spirit" something like the phallic imagery of lightning, the "thunderbolt of Christ." Yes, I've earmarked that chapter "The Woman in Love." Or what she notes as the similarity between religious hymns and erotic songs........"my Adored One my Lord and Master....." so this was 1947.......how much has changed?

I decided to start naming the men in my life after venomous snakes: he's Copperhead. That is a good one for him, huh? I see it as a compliment in a way.

He said I want to come in your mouth will you let me or should I force you in her mouth then she tasted it the worst like super concentrated salt water it went down her throat a gag reflex she began to spit then sprung her head free.......spit it out.....it was everywhere........"what happened?" he said.......


later on he was laughing "you bit my dick...."

But he's leaving and already I wish he were here. I don't think he'll ever read this.