You've probably seen them. The heartwrenching ads for ASPCA, I think, animals in cages looking battered and miserable, Sarah McLaughclin [cq] in the background.....I remember seeing them in between watching crime shows in Ion TV and feeling like I was capitulating.....what an absurd, horrific senseless universe we live in, should I just die or what.....I understand the point and I do my part to help animals but I just can't stand to see that. Once in a hotel room with a friend that ad came on.....and once while I was watching TV with my mother and she said, "Turn that shit off....." because she, too, can't stand to see that. For personal.....things reminding me.....stories I heard of people in Nazi Germany turning a blind eye or being oblivious to the death and unspeakable horrors around them.....footage of the A bomb again being feeling helpless and sick you know.....or so many times as well the Iraq War and people just dying.....how did I get so morbid? All this must have impacted all of us just in ways we aren't aware of. I wish I could be oblivious but I'm psychic.....when stuff happens I feel it know it sense it even if I can't clearly define it. Maybe everyone is like that. The way Moloch Sorcery wrote about this I'm sorry it cracked me up "kitties in the cage....." I mean I LOVE cats nothing kills me more than a cat suffering.....
When I was 18 and living in Chicago.....rather I was 16 visiting my father one summer.....I was obsessed with a man named Sam. I think that influenced my sister's name because I talked about him so much.....I used to call his voice mail constantly and listen to it. What turned creepy was he started talking back into it saying "I love you" it freaked the fuck out of me eventually I felt like I'd imploded and the humiliation was unbearable. At being exposed and caught. Like I'd peed in public. One time my friend Aeysha decided to play a prank on me I can't remember how but saying she had heard (Sam lived in NYC and Aeysha in Evanston but this occurred while I stayed in Chicago during summer) something about Sam dating another girl something.....maybe my friend Yasmeen. I was distraught and wrecked.....here I was 15 and fabulous but wanting to die thinking my life was ruined because a guy I liked was with a girl but that's how it was ...... According to her though I don't remember this but she said I called her saying I just slashed my wrists (not enough to do any real harm but enough to be gruesome and theatrical I was an adolescent and influenced by Sid Vicious ). I suppose she felt guilty or......? so about a year later or something I was visiting Chicago again and she had told me a depressing, horrible story about monkeys in a laboratory. I won't go into it. She made a joke, "Laura's going to start slashing her wrists now....." I somehow this kept flashing in my mind this story earlier this week only now did I get a chance to put it down somewhere.
I'm so relieved to be back in the world. I'm grateful for.....? somehow feeling like I'm getting a lobotomy I am making amazing art. I am a genius. I am divinely inspired. The stars at some times do shine on the arts even though there .....I would say there is no "it was better back then" because it wasn't....there is no "then" it is now..... the time is was and always was now.....but there are those moments of.....if you follow astrology there is a logistical math to this. But there is always genius. You don't always know it though. Almost never. When it is. Everything was brilliant even if I felt .....I was but was also a mass of nerves and fear.
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