last wow

I was actually going to take down the last two posts but the response was overwhelming......I feel it just was.....well its how I felt at the time. Im better now, lots. ....will get back.....

so.....

I wrote that as, I started to type but my phone crashed.....I understand that unfortunately that name will always turn up and there will always be someone making the (my opnion) bad decision of naming their kid that. even if I am wrong and if I am then I am sorry. But too many times my suspicions were confirmed by outside and reliable sources. my only wish. though I love Justin and want him to be well.....part of why I AM so adamant and emotional over this.....I had made a heartfelt move, with all my heart, of moving on from the past. But her name came up (again) with some very disturbing revelations about someone I thought I trusted. Who in their right mind thinks they have the priviledge of determining anothers life or what they do or say? thats playing God. and because I sought peace but got instead this .....even sometimes a person doesnt oes not have to "do" anything and best c scenario this person was an annoying and obtrusive presence. Maybe one can be carrying a bad hangover from the past and even if its not intentional it affects .....the fallout or whatever is dangerous and t this is someone to avoid. anyway, like I said, I only want to move on. but I am going public with this only after I felt so shakably endangered again, due to what happened. Also.....god my hand is tired from typing on a handheld.....I am watching interviews with princess Diana. I never had much interest in the royal family. but she is really fascinating....not who I thought she was. I am touched in so many ways by what she says and I understand exactly of which she speaks.like I said, I was badly shaken by some things the past two weeks and scraped by a horror.....due partly to this person and some associated. Hence, why I am giving this heated testimony you read.

rain and wind

it is pretty and I am not sorry its not cold out. interesting.......my two heaters solved so many problems. I am getting over a terribly strenuous week and illness.....after having to concentrate so hard for extended periods and being driven (involuntarily) to beyond the threshold of what I could tolerate.......physically gruelling labor.....now I am friend and can hardly concentrate on anything. the house is thumping and creaking from the wind.  I have seen some troublesome things. associated with people......lets just say the sight of a certain name sends me horrific chills. never will i forget the hell I went through due to deliberate actions. I am grateful for her absence blissfully. I will speak frankly.....hate is not a nice word. But I never want to see that name again. Sorry but I discriminate against anyone with the same name. Get away from me and stay away if your name is.....what this person did was horribly malicious and inexcusable. To do that to an innocent person can never be excused, ever. I never want to see that name again, I will say it, I hate that name nd justifiably, and I never want to see it again. I am tired of seeing it. I am tired of both of the situation as I have moved on with my life, or maybe it was because I had moved on they stepped up their aggression. That Justin continues to be in denial and stay in their company saddens me. For four years he did nothing about it and dismissed my complaints. and he wonders why I got weary of this thing, finally. I could have done so many things, gone so many places. word for the wise.

hair, make up changes

thinking about maybe going super platuinum with my hair.....havent done that in a very long time. I think the subtle, classicly feminine look of the early century is being replaced by bold colors, red lips again......thank god cause I was gettng bored to insanity with the minimalist stuff. just not my style.....maybe cause Im a leo with aquarius in my chart Im all about the big drama .....or my generation? post punk 90s heavy eyeliner "punched in the eye" (pixiwoo) just-overdosed-on-heroin-stepped-out-of-a-morgue......look. I kind of like that look in men, too.

christmas review

yes it has been a month but the gifts I got have all been a blessing and really helped.....wish i could post photos on this site but there is some stupid glitch and i cant.....so I will tell you all. I love my space heaters (two of them, one a gift from Sonny) they are keeping me from getting ill. they are the only heat in this place but they do the job and save me. Also the very nice earmuffs and gloves mom got me, and the pjs my dear step aunt Dawn got me are so warm and cozy.....perfect for when I get up and the floor is cold the hallway is arctic......its not....Chicago is colder not so much thew temperature but the wind comes in from Canada and stabs you with icicles.....the wind is quite harsh but the earmuffs work miracles! that and a down coat my friend gave me god bless him ......and put on the flannels going to the store or running I barely feel this frigid insane cold. I am nice and toasty. the cold is supposed to abate I think thats the word? Get warmer I mean. I have been training running dance shower then practice then need another shower......dance is work. I go to the park and run in the jammies and they are flannel and I barely feel the cold? its very hard to navigate on my phone ipod so I listened to the 12 inch stones version of "miss you" five times 8 mins each = approximately 40 mins.......

oh yes back to the klf jams......a poem of theirs says "a light that will anoint thee, a sign from the subconscious, an angel sent to guide me.....last train to trancentral....."I have neglected poetry just been so busy with stuff.....other stuff.....but I swear its coming....and I am a genius so it will be spectacular I promise.......in this show they talked about annointing

yes now i remember

what led me to reading the book of Matthew was the Judgement tarot featuring Gabriel the Archangel.....who tells Mary she will conceive. He is associated with barren women who want to be fertile.....that sounds a little better to me. anyway.....I also got the Star. that confuses me.......I had been getting the Devil before that. I am all over the place with this......but .....? I need to think on this.....as I am again typing from a handheld.I wish to state I am not Catholic or religious but I do read Tarot.....have since childhood.

more Bible

so I was reading the book of Matthew for inspiration on something.....or I turned to it....."immaculate conception"...um....not what I had in mind.....kind of the opposite.....then it went on to say that Joseph "not wanting to make a public example of her....." I laughed so hasrd at this......guess one can't ever have any fun, huh?    pretty racy stuff.......it's in there.

fear initiation?

"i know the bottom, i know it with my great tap root," Sylvia Plath    a sign at the Pit said "follow the fear" I listened to a radio show speaking of initiation.......a quote from the Bible they mentioned was "tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem" from Luke....something like "endued with spirit" ....this is so fascinating......I have been briefly in Jerusalem.....I hardly felt endued with anything though I did see the Western Wall. It was a harrowing experience and I was interrogated annoyingly for hours by guards getting across the border and on a plane. I was never so fucking happy to get on a plane OUT if anywhere in my life! And I went through some horrible stuff after I returned......but......well I lived first of all. In no eway, naive and inexperienced though I was, did I deserve what happened. But a calling? something life changing like the cards said......got the archangel Gabriel that I know little about. Where am I going with this? I had a dream the bathtub overflowed and I flooded the apartment and last night I dreamt of an actress and cookoing........jotting down to make sense of later.......

truth light

truth light light is .....rarely is beauty truth. That's an absurd expression. Probably most beauty is deceptive?  Truth can get you killed also. But I cant live without it. I need to know the facts.....what is really happening. I deserve that right. We all do.

please dont misunderstand

I realize some clarification is needed.....there were good things happening as well which I am thankful for. I sound so moribund here dont mean to be. But.....how do I say this? I ......some things I cant go into. Thank god for quiet. Is all I can say for now.

back!

hey there folks.....trying to see if this works. sorry to be mia.....i had been feeling under the weather and took some rest.I am better now. this week has been really not good. it could have been worse.....personal issues. but on the up side i am on the threshold of change.....a lot of that. I can't wait for that because it is needed. I worked really hard to put new material together and in the midst of so much storm I have to remember what matters most to me and what i want. I made mistakes and I am sorry for that.  But now  its......what can I say? Anyhow......among other things new vlog channel if you havent seen it lauraalta on youtube. I will fix the sound yes. you can find me on twitter too lauralauras........will get back soon. I stayed in tonight and I am very upset about something. I had an instinct telling me going out was not a good idea. Also......cannot deal with being stuck in the city all night.

unhappy new years.....lets hope it gets better

happy new year! 

ok....I have to sadly say I got the paper this morning to read that in nyc three people all under age 20, one an 11 year old boy, were killed yesterday. Boy sometimes you just have that bad feeling. I've been through some stuff in my life but it goes to show it could always be worse. in one instance, talk about fatal attraction! a guy murdered his ex girlfriend,  19 years old.....then killed himself. this with a knife. no guns.  I guess it goes without saying the worst thing a person could do, there is some motherfucker out there to do them. To deprive someone of life.....it tears me up to think about it.......one thing if this person is a bastard sob but a little kid? it's beyond what I can imagine. or a 19 year old girl.....insane is insane.....but how long can people be let off the hook for that? at some point one has to take responsibility but ......oh. that such people exist in the world. thats humans, you know? they are out there.....