so....

I shouldn't have posted what I last wrote. I was going to delete it. I sound really arrogant in it. I think I was feeling blue because I had just come from Chelsea and seeing all these professionals, whatever you want to call it, which is what I"m supposed to be but am not, and how I really hate crowds and can't stand to have people walking into me, elbowing me, I live in my own head, which I suppose is immature, and so on. Not that I don't work, I do, and hard, but I can't live a 9 to 5 existence, I don't think. I can fake it for a while, but that's it. And there will be people saying, grow up! It's not that I don't want to work, I always do: but I see how these women live and it's death. I hate thinking about it. So much of the work is not fulfilling, but necessary for survival, but leaves no mark, invents nothing new, doesn't better the world ....or? well, that isn't really intelligent. It's not like writing The Second Sex or War and Peace or giving a brilliant performance.....and I keep wondering how it would be possible to accomplish that while spending all day, every day, in work that is basically menial, for all that it's glorified, I mean like secretarial work, and then coming home to do more menial work.....and....many people will disagree with me, but I've come to the conclusion: fuck the 9 to 5 world. I spent 15 years working dull jobs and didn't realize my own value. You're only young, attractive once and it's then that you can travel, live, create, accomplish. I'm not saying the option won't be there again, but it'll be......well, I don't know, but for me, I feel like I wasted many valuable years in one job after another that wasn't going to lead anywhere, wasn't going to....oh how do I put it? make any substantial contribution to the world. I am not being cynical; the opposite: I'm waking up to this. The world is what it is: I didn't make it that way. Still, if no one worked these jobs, I suppose everything would just fall apart. I mean, someone has to do this work, right? It's true: I wish I never had to wash the bathtub but I do. I've seen a lot of people who haven't had to work hard for anything, and they're really lazy, to be honest. That's not the way to be, either. I just want to spend my energy in a productive way, in one that's moving, somehow. I feel like to do that, I have to walk away from certain situations. And that generates resentment, somehow. I'm just saying truthfully how it is.