I will never be a slave

and I won't be a victim. Like the line from American Beauty where Annette Benning says, "I refuse to be a victim"

I refuse to be a victim!

I made a mistake before and stupidly believed in love and relationships, not knowing the hell and degradation they really are. I have no faith in love, romantic love. Men just turn their women into slaves. I will never believe in it again. I'll tell my daughters not to.

what is it?

I'm so angry....maybe cause of an incident with my family last night, cause of the situation with D in which I believe I was tricked, terribly, the treatment women get by men in public, or even women's treatment of each other......the inequality that exists when I was raised and told we're equal, our problems are solved, so don't complain, don't make excuses.....

and by and large, none of that was true. We were told a big lie. And it's not new, either. We were always told that. Maybe it's the liberal vs. radical debate, that's part of it. I don't see myself or women as "peacemakers" and, really, if you have eyes you can see the world is not peaceful. That's a lie, also. But meanwhile, people are in pain, the problems of life are real, and there's no end to it. I don't feel serene. Maybe I'm alone in feeling this way. But I'm not. I was raised to be loving, forgiving and kind, but I.......am nothing like that. Am I a disappointment? I don't think I'll ever feel kind and at rest or whatever it is I'm supposed to be or feel. I don't want to feel that way. I am not that way.

you're a feminist when

you realize your personal problems are not just yours individually but political, and you stop blaming yourself for the bad circumstances you're in. You don't blame yourself or shame yourself if you're raped or harassed. You don't blame other victims. You stop telling yourself and others that things will get better once you try harder or change your attitude.

Why is it after all these years men are still in control in relationships? Why am I made to feel grateful when they call? Or shamed if they don't? Men have too much power; it's not that easy to go to war with them. It's overwhelming. But that doesn't make it right. I've just heard and read one horror story after another. There needs to be another movement. I just don't know how it will happen. Sisterhood was blind, too general a concept. I wish that the world were a peaceful place but it's not; to keep lamenting how it should be that way is just turning a blind eye. I'm not at peace, my family never was, the world isn't; the pain is unendurable at times. But I am mad. I have had enough. I made a mistake with these people and I can't just say what's done is done: it's tearing me apart and I need to do something. I don't know what. But I do.

hiking

A week ago I went with Garrett up to Cold Spring in upstate New York. It's a super cute and charming town. We rock climbed and hiked.....which was exhausting, dangerous and scary.....but it was helpful to get out of the city for a day, into the countryside. It was really crowded, though.....as it was a Saturday. I did this on no sleep practically, as we had to get up around 5am. I've never rock climbed before and wasn't planning on that....you're taking a chance in this place and people have fallen to their deaths here before. Or, you can get seriously injured. I got stuck a few times, as it was nothing but a wall of rock and nothing to hold onto. At one point a voice in my head said, whatever you do, don't look down. Garrett saw me and yelled out, "What are you doing there? That's dangerous.....that's a 500 foot drop. Stay in the lines [the white guiding lines which were drawn in various places]." I got out of that.....fortunately. In these circumstances you have to listen to your intuition, and I don't enjoy being afraid or in high places. Garrett told me people get vertigo from looking down....and it was up, up for five hours. Next time I'll bring better clothes because I'm very sloppy here, and not prepared, and hiking shoes which I almost bought before.....but I'd do it again. I don't think I can handle camping for long and being without heat, and running water. I desperately needed a shower afterward. Anyhow......here's what was recorded of that experience:



There's also an abandoned Welsh farm in these woods that's allegedly haunted; it looked that way anyhow.

We also saw hawks and eagles flying above the mountains.....stunning.

sick of being eroticized every time I go out

I went to Cafe Pick Me Up where I go all the time. I'm tired and starving. They don't have much of a selection. On the train, in a restaurant, fucking EVERYWHERE I have to deal with "attention from men" and I'm sick of it, and really mad. I have to deal with being stared at, men deciding if they want to hit on me or not. Being rated or made to feel grateful that I'm wanted. And every female treated the same. But too often, women contribute to it.

At this gym I go to, this girl was sitting really close to a guy in this skimpy top, and giggling while talking to her girl friend, while this dumb jock type was leering at her and practically hovering over her. Hello? No one deserves to be raped, but in America that kind of body language and behavior makes these guys think you're loose and it's only a matter of time before one of them puts it to the test. I hear one bad story after another, like someone I know being told by a guy, "In my country, women will always be inferior." But women too often don't resist. What I read of de Beauvoir says that women aren't trained to be aggressive, political.....and it's up against men who have thousands of years of martial arts, politics, engineering, and nation building behind them. Women didn't create cities, rocket ships, governments, armies.....or the CIA. Sad but true. All we've done is ape men, and that's considered equality. De Beauvoir wrote women have no religion of their own. So many women are narcissistic, and stupid.....so just trying to get respect in public is an uphill battle.....and the women's movement....the problem is they underestimated their opponent's strength, so they suffered a big loss I mean sorry but it's the truth. Still, change is possible. I think those working to create justice in the world will always be a minority and encounter huge waves of resistance and anger along the way.

De Beauvoir also wrote of how women will throw themselves at religious statues without stopping to think they, and the churches and temples, are man-made. The same way, today, they throw themselves at celebrities without stopping to think they're human, that the media, photographers and reporters are all human, that their image is manufactured. They degrade themselves, but that used to be considered virtuous.

Cause now as ever, women aren't valued for intelligence (there are too many brilliant men in the world) but for youth and beauty and the ability to raise a child. Child rearing is hard work but children are exhausting to deal with, and we're under pressure to always be pretty but makeup gets smeared, the bag, no matter how expensive, gets torn, stolen or worn, the clean house gets dirty the next day, the washed dishes will pile up in the sink in an hour, sauce spills, nail polish chips, and really women's work, the work that's necessary for survival but is uncreative, leaves no individual achievement, is endless and eventually mind-numbing. I've worked those kinds of menial jobs and at the end of the day I was too tired to think, and always bitter and angry, and afraid. The work is unrewarding, and you're existing on the lowest level. So because women and slaves were around to do this work men could study, write, draw, do math equations, take long walks with which to think, design cities, buildings and rocket ships, and trained to be aggressive, not decorative.

tonight Felix da Housecat

I just got back from Crobar I'm so tired now but it was so rad. He is from Chicago and watching him and the people he was with took me back to when I was there but it was freaky too cause now every time I am outside NYC I'm out of my element.

But these people were awesome and so was the show!

symbols?

I walked around Times Square where someone was selling those plaques with people's names on them. It makes me sad to see that, cause I feel for those people selling that stuff. But I see all these names in flowers and trees, but then there was a plaque with his name on it, the only one against a backdrop of the NYC skyline, with the World Trade Center in the background. I almost started crying, I mean, how fucked up. Why put that anywhere, or next to someone's name. I think that's a sign I just don't know what of.

I haven't gotten closure in this thing. I feel like it hasn't ended. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to know more, there's something significant going on. It'll come together at some point.

Then, I was on 1st ave near 3rd street, the corner, and these people were getting into a car, and they mentioned something about a black star. Just talking about this stuff freaks me out, occult stuff, but I studied numerology, and 1 and 3 is 13, plus those two words.......

then I saw a guy that looked like him, and the word Stone was right behind him.....

I just have to write this down. I'm a little weirded out by all this........

fed up with men

OK, I know there are some decent men in the world. I have to keep saying that. But I'm really mad right now. I always have to watch my back with people, men or women for different reasons, and I can't be in a relationship with a man without wondering his intentions, like if I'm being used, as a body. It's so hard for me to believe I'll be happy, with anyone, and I am losing more and more hope because nothing I do individually will really solve the problem. The world will be what it is. But my youth turned out to be a constant battle against some idiot trying to shove his hand down my pants and take whatever he could get. How stupid I was, I could have used some guidance here and there. But I had none. A relationship to me is a kind of death sentence, and I hate the thought of being married. I can't understand for the life of me why any woman would want it. But if I'm unmarried I'm looked upon as a poor thing, and people will always wonder why I'm not married. I had my fantasies as well, but my relationships have all ended unhappily and my mistake was allowing one man to have me I wish I never had. But I still love and hate the same person. But I think men turn women they're in relationships with into slaves, and they're all cheaters, they're all pricks. I feel like it's a curse, a terrible one, to be a heterosexual female. I may never say never to a relationship with a woman but I'm not gay; still, I don't know how I can ever feel happy anymore. I rode the bike home and was harrassed three times in 15 minutes. I yelled at them but it won't change them; they'll still do it over and over. A part of me wishes I could be at the Dahab hotel with him and crawl into bed with him with the space heater on, I long for that, so much, so much.....but it's 6 am and he's not here and I'm in Brooklyn, I'm wondering if I'll ever get out of here and I HAVE to get out of here. I was not sexy tonight I was in my helmet, glasses, ugly sneakers but, yeah, I rolled up my pants cause they were getting caught in the chain, so my leg showed, but, big disappointment, I was NOT trying to seduce any of these men on Flatbush Ave. I find it fascinating how women are turned into criminals if they go out after 1am, or whatever the time is, and how men treat them as if they deserve harassment, as if they're punishing them. I was NOT walking around in sexy clothes in a drunken stupor, as those women who were raped and killed allegedly were. That still doesn't make what happened to them OK. But if I complain about these guys, like to the cops, they'll probably say I brought it upon myself.

take back what I wrote

I said to my friend last night, my problem is, I don't fall for "nice guys." Men know this, that's the problem. Not that there's any excuse for bad behavior, but my friend said she has no interest in men who bring her flowers. Men have said to me, women don't like nice men who love them but as soon as he starts treating her like shit that's when they love these men. Not completely true.....

So D was the only one I couldn't manipulate, well not totally, but it doesn't mean I'm a victim. I refuse. I learned from the brutal past. I'm pissed. I'm not OK. But I learned.

ok Houston ready for countdown four three two one

Earlier today I was listening to the KLF song "Last Train to Transcentral" and I've been reading de Beauvoir where she talks about transcendence.......

I'm taking a chance reprinting KLF lyrics. Justified Ancients of MuMu..... so.....found more pix as I finally got my digicam set up.....

Here is a cheerpic where we all look like we're throwing up.


In another, this is the Hollaback event, and I don't know who the guy in the white shirt is but he's cute....:)


This was all a mystical time in my life. It was May of this year, and I was living in this beautiful apartment which I had to leave, as it belonged to this woman lawyer who was moving upstate with her boyfriend. I loved this place, it reminded me of the apartment in Choses Secretes....

ÖK, everybody lie down on the floor and keep calm...." KLF Sample


















Guess it doesn't look like much but I didn't get the brick wall.....I just love wood floors. It's my dream place. That pic of me is around that time. That was around the time D was telling me there's something about me that makes him want to force sex on me or otherwise be really rough.....I mean, what is "forced sex"? Is that rape? Was he serious, it was only me he felt this way about? Or was it a conniving manipulation on his part?

another pic from then: was fucking around with the camera


Later on, D would tell me he fantasized about raping me.....this time he said rape.....he said, he visioned us in ä room" somewhere where he just "takes" me. I'd say why don't you call me and he said, what, ask, can you come over here so I can rape you? I laughed, but he looked like he wondered why I was laughing, like he was serious. But later, he'd say, Ï'm just messing with you...."I figured he wouldn't really do it......you know.....


And I fell in love, so in love, with Columbia U, the campus, gorgeous, with such awesome people.......


Later, when I was assaulted, I went back to that same spot the next day. It was under a car that had a University of Michigan sticker on it....and he's from that town....


I'm a radical feminist who fell in love with her rapist....I'm not unaware of that irony.......


so here're some recent pix.......








This pic looks like kiddie porn, not that I'd know, but like some offensive ads I've seen.....


This is me as a wannabe raver....














This is my good friend Luca, a very nice person:









This is my kitty West

Finally this is me outside my show, Happy Hour.

I used to be obsessed with the KLF. I won't print their lyrics here cause I don't know the copyright laws, ect. I listened to The White Room thousands of times when I was living alone in Park Slope often with only a dark window.....right when I started dating Al.....

D I miss you I love and hate you.....you went through me like a knife.....how can I ever recover? I can't. I can't pretend I can. I want to beat you up, too.

It's not meant to be, not this time, maybe not ever.

dyke march

I found this photo on flickr.....my crazy cheering days.....not over yet.....



I'm in the black bikini top with the braid in my face.....the camera is merciless adding weight....

LIstening to Sasha and Digweed and Oakenfold

I just love DJing and this piece is fucking super amazing......beautiful


DJing fascinates me, it's hot. Religious. Sexy. Awesome.

See me in Happy Hour Fri November 10

7:30 PM 141 Ridge Street Manhattan

Take the F to Delancey

or the J or M to Essex

I'm waiting to see if I have clearance for the Plath play. I hope. I pray. Please, whoeve's out there.......