what I wrote last

Was really harsh I know......maybe it was the end of a long day, but I was feeling victimized. I suppose it's what I went through two years ago, where I felt like I wasn't getting recognition for all the work I was doing and well, you know, that just isn't right. But I can see where I did wrong as well.

I deleted what I last wrote. I do have bad mood swings. There's something disturbing in the air right now. I can't wait....I want to get out of here....I hate winter. I need a warmer climate. Maybe DC. Maybe I'll visit my friend. But this weather is so gloomy and creepy. I'm freaked out in general.

I can't forget what is around me

It's my nature to be critical. I won't lie to myself and pretend the awful stuff in the world isn't there and just live in my happy bubble. I would love to see peace happen, but it's not. Maybe sometimes violence is necessary. I am pissed, I'll say that much. Sometimes you have to fight, and I believe the world has malevolent stuff in it. Sometimes you have to hurt, though I don't want to.

Where should I go?

So I am loving life in NYC but reading about these music tours depresses me cause I think how much else there is out there and I'm just....a speck.....and there's so much of the planet I haven't been to. I was watching this clip of people performing in Argentina....and I was looking at the crowd....so lively, full of "love"as one girl described them. I'm thinking, they look so beautiful, and I'm missing so much. So Argentina is one place I was thinking of but there's also Egypt which I'm getting flashbacks of all the time. I'm missing so much of that as well. Time is going by so fast, so fast. Or Ecuador, maybe? Maybe I will consider Thailand.

Love Ballad To Person X Who Will Probably Never Read This

Please come back to N YC I'm up wasting time and I found your myspace page. I know things are fucked up here but it's not hopeless we have some fabulous plays going on here but mine is the best hands down. WHY DID YOU GET MARRIED??????? Please get a divorce. I know that's not a nice thing to say but really it makes no sense to me. I have fantasies of you, sexual and otherwise.

Needless to say I couldn't send this. I need to think of something brilliant but it's not coming.

But just after writing this and listening to some of his songs, I looked at my door and saw a very scary face staring at me.......kind of like when you see something that looks like something, so hard to explain. I wish I had an explanation for it.

So my friends don't understand the attraction and don't share my feelings but too many others do.

AND I'M NOT WAITING FOR YOU ANYMORE. I'm done with it. So cry me a river you had your chance and you chose her.


But it's my fault too. I was afraid. I'm afraid now. Why is that?

Not only do I have sexual fantasies of you, but others....like of you coming into my wedding and shooting the groom, and guests, a la Kill Bill. I can't get that out of my head. That's sick, right? Guess I'd like to think you couldn't bear me being with another, but you don't have to worry cause I don't want ANY relationship now. After 12 years of relationships believe me I'm so done. You're still competing though.....you have your suitors but I have mine too. So don't fuck up this time, OK? Neither will I.

The East Village no longer exists. It's the same thing that happened with Soho and the West Village. It's too complicated to get into here.....but this is America and nothing is free. I don't think it should be that way. It's so hard now to live in this city if you're not rich....not on a trust fund. With rents being what they are, it's impossible to live a laid back lifestyle here, and Non New Yorkers wonder why people here are so frazzled, so unfriendly, not looking strangers in the eye....well don't take it personally. In this town, a stranger could rob you or slit your throat, and we have bills rent lives counting on us....there's no time to waste.

But it shouldn't be that way, should it? Is this living? There's so little culture left. Rather, there is, but it's running against this current of really fascism. In the film JFK one of the characters talks about how fascism is coming back, and in the film Caberet there's the scene of the Nazis and people in the restaurant singing together.....and well, history repeats itself. It was like this in the 80s too and really the revolutionaries of the world have to face the fact that they're a minority. Why do people seem to accept the lousy bread crumbs thrown them, like women voting Republican or saying they're not feminist. I was shocked to hear about women, now, in 2006, who go to pimps or, well, don't get me started. But this phenomenon fascinates me. The cutting edge scene of the East Village is gone, but it's also CBs'....the punk scene needed to evolve with the changing times, stay united and fight this but they didn't. Maybe it was a conspiracy.Still, it's sad to see the East Village turning into the suburbs, pretty much.

sorry it's been a while

Oh boy can't believe how long it's been. A LOT has happened. On the down side, my cat got really sick (West, my male cat) and had to go to the emergency vet. I just barely got through this: it's going to cost two grand altogether and I just barely was able to get it. In fact, I went through hell having to co-sign with my ex and his jealous girlfriend making a scene at this place....

On the up side, I think, knock wood, West will be ok. But this is so expensive and most people don't have that much money and what will they do, in an emergency? This has changed everything for me. Last year, another crisis changed my life and now this has also. I think it'll be ultimately for the better but it's exhausting to go through. I imagine I now know what having a child will do. And I do want one at some time. But even having these lives depending on me I'll never again be free like I was in college, living only for myself. Attached to animal lives are human lives, and what I do affects many people and many animals. I am no longer a child, because I have all this now. I can't just take off and go somewhere when I want, as easily. I am going to have to work much harder than I have been already; plus I finally have an oppurtunity to do this show, this play, so it'll be that on top of everything.

But on a better note, I took kickboxing and a "video dance" class this weekend, it was awesome, awesome! It was really hard, really hard. I passed out last night as soon as I got home, which isn't good cause I have so much work to do. But I really love it, and I think I'm pretty good for a beginner!

one destination

I think I'll cross out is Thailand, since I was at a Thai restaurant where the waitress was a gargantuan bitch, and very nasty to me. Maybe I did something wrong, but she still didn't have to get that way. I mean, why should I go to a place where I'm apparently not welcome? A part of me wants to see the rest of the world, but today, the past 24 hours, have been extremely trying. I do have my parents' temper and if I'm overly provoked, really if I feel I'm not being respected, then that sets me off. But there's only so much anyone can take and everyone is entitled to a certain amount of courtesy.....and there's just so much. It's like I'm getting a tremendous amount of hostility from people I am trying to help, and it makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It's awful, awful, to be the target of that. It will never sink in, I'll never get used to it. It's like being stabbed in the back as soon as I walk away. Not only that, but there's still so much sexism everywhere and it's like, what is ever done about it? People protest but it still is rampant, impossible to get away from. Everything from these offensive videos to men leering at women on the street, on the subway, it's sick, sick. And they never apologize, but make excuses like it's nature and they can't help it. It's absolutely rampant, like in my neighborhood which is heavily black and Hispanic but it comes from white guys as well. These men only get even more hostile and threatening when confronted, and too many women are ineffective in dealing with this problem. I had to go home from the exhaustion, emotional, of being faced with this today. I made a cocktail at around 4PM, drank it in three sips, then smoked the rest of a joint someone gave me. I then fell asleep, after writing a little, and dreamt I was looking at pictures of these two men, and while I looked at one, I said to the other, it's so cute that you're jealous.....then the lights went out. I was running around my room trying to find the switch, and when I found it and turned it the light still wouldn't go on. I was in bed, got up again to turn it on, and the room was black. I said, I want to wake up, I want to wake up.......then I did wake up to see at least light in my window.

trips

I'm ready to take my first trip abroad in almost 2 years. I have to work like mad to make the money. I really want to go to South Africa but it's terribly expensive, so my other options are Argentina or Thailand or back to Egypt. Of course, there are many other possibilities. I would like to spend more time in Egypt because there is so, so much there and I barely scratched the surface, but then again there's the rest of the world.

NYC Weekend hell

What happened to all the cool, artistic people in this town? There was always the "Jersey" set, but it's like Invasion of the Ants now. I'm sorry to be so vicious, but these people are equally vicious. I'm really mad. Last night was a disaster. I went to Pyramid and ugh ugh they changed the music to this z100 cheesy "remix" of all these 80s songs. I've heard better music in elevators, or at the Holiday Inn in Ohio.

With CBGBs being priced out and every other place, we're going to have Mercury Bars on every corner, or.....what's it called?....Bennigans and stuff like that, and nothing else. The situation is sad but there's literally no end to it. My friend witnessed something awful last night, that I don't even want to mention. I'll go into this more later.

Then, on top of that, I was reading this "artist" zine I picked up at a local coffee shop. There was this article on how Red Hook is an "up and coming" neighborhood" and one always knows that when they see "a young woman sitting on the steps with a laptop...." or something to that effect. I have been in Red Hook and there are families there who've been there for 40 years or so who are getting displaced from their homes. Red Hook is an entrenched settlement. I just find all this immoral in the extreme, and I can't stand to be around it. It's soul-deadening. I think this country is a lost cause and maybe I am better off in Berlin. At least in Europe, the governments and societies are pretty left and people have legion more rights as citizens, and that is considered a good thing there.