oh lovelies

Sunday, February 15, 2015

This officer

Who had power over my life was a kid, maybe younger than me, fairly cute.....I was rattled to the core and thoroughly humiliated. I thought......what had I thought? I was across the ocean not a huge distance and everyone spoke English but it was another world and a hostile one.....everyone mistrustful  a polite word is "repressed" stoplights that looked and sounded like Fisher Price  toys the stuff we played with as children and all the streets circular not up and down making me feel like I was perpetually walking sideways. I couldn't get used to white buildings either. Being robbed, sexually harassed and now held hostage.....the cops thinking it was a kidnapping my father on the phone  in Indiana otherwise I may not have gotten out of there. Not to mention feeling guilty and like I'd.....well I did screw up there was no denying it. It should have been this should have been that but this is what was. People saying, if this was......? The situation was not so dire, this could have been Pakistan, or Iraq, you could have been killed.....it could have been worse but this is where I was......or was it the weather? It was August 13 and right around this time the US Embassy in Kenya was being blown up and people were dying.
Did it matter, really, where I was? But the hardest burden was yes that I felt guilty that I had somehow let people down thinking I was in love with this guy in NY, a Colombian. Next thing I knew, or rather didn't know.....I was famous. It was terrifying, and awkward. Thinking, what had I been thinking? Now there was.....I had to remove myself from all that it was the only way I could stay sane.....was to not be maybe....."When we kissed I sucked his soul into me like a tongue. She was not mad yet she saw with the piercing eyes of madness....." Blonde by JCO

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