Stuff to cheer, or protest

Assaults on women and the queer community happening in this city
Gentrification, and how the punk haven is getting replaced with these stupid bridal boutiques everywhere (a la 9th street)
Situation of Middle Eastern and Muslim women
Evictions in the city
Closing of CBGBs
Racism, classism, sexism (will there ever be an end to it?)
The state of NYC radio

moods

I am not going to go into mysticism here because I learned my lesson before about taking this public: I only was misunderstood. But I seem to get into horrendous moods during the new moon. I was born on a new moon. And I tried and tried and tried for hours to contain myself but today I was once again provoked by these really annoying people G's roommate hangs around and I finally lost it. After dealing with one mess after another from the animals, a bad night before in which I missed seeing Felix da Housecat, no sleep because my cat kept me awake, finally L's brother said he was upset that I left and he needed a flyer that's when I snapped. I wasn't prepared for fifty people to come into the apartment and I was tired and stressed and A insisted on opening the curtain after I closed it and, Jesus, everything has to turn into a fucking argument! So I finally got pissed and when I'm provoked I can get hysterical, and I did. I went into the park and unraveled. I was crying hysterically, all from last night's fucked up-ness to this dancer saying to me, "Thank you so much for standing there with the flyers" like what am I, their servant? To people I want to see not being around to everything from not being able to charge my phone or send a text message or even talk on a phone because of the trees in the way to the monumental task of how the fuck do I do my taxes or apply for health insurance to fear, always always that. And wondering how I'll get to South Africa cause that's where I want to go but it's expensive and then I have to sign up for classes, buy a new passport, sign up for cable or wireless or fuck I don't know I just need to be able to use a computer cause that's life or death with me, to a DVD being late and I haven't even watched half of it, to not getting around to seeing a movie or seeing my friend like I'd planned and I SO wanted to just get out of town and I started sobbing, in the park, thinking, I have to get out of this place! I can't stand it! I can't stand living in this fascist country where we don't even have health care or child care or even birth control, if the arch conservatives get their way. In a place where we are not free to do what we choose with our own bodies and are considered criminals if we do certain things, to the fact that these universal entitlements are taken away from us here and anyhow.....to the fact that I went on this travel web site bootsnall, that I used to go on all the time, and it was a depressing experience. This girl wrote, something like, the worst film I ever saw was JFK and I'm just not into these political movies. Yeah, Jessica Simpson is your idol, I'll bet.....really living life on the edge here. This is why I stopped going on this site because it was such a discouragement, to see people talking about really pale stuff and always feeling, afterward, alienated and frustrated. I mean, how can anyone, if they're breathing, especially if they're female, NOT be political in this climate? I can't figure that out for the life of me, unless they are somehow benefitting from this administration. But I just have no comprehension of female conservatives, who don't think women should have rights. At the NOW conference they were handing out these buttons saying, If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. Even among the so-called radical cheerleaders I remember one of them dismissing one of the others because "she's just so angry, it's too much." I mean, isn't that the point? There are many gradations of anger. There's mindless venting which, while it may be justified, is immature and there's a lot of that among many would be activists. But there' s "righteous anger" which is going under the layers and saying, things are bad, and that's not ok, and that's radical. It's getting late and I'm running out of steam to write this with but I have to unload this stuff. There'll be more later.

more pix

This spring, when we cheered outside Bluestockings, near where D is. That's all I kept thinking: we're in D's neighborhood, what if D sees us. But I never saw him. It was that awful cold-while-sun-is-shining spring weather. I was kind of peeved that I didn't see D.
I'm listening to Paris Hilton's CD right now. This is the only music I have at present.

"What would you do

if I tied you up with duct tape?" He asked. "Would you call the police?"

I saw someone who looked like him today on the train platform. He looked at me. It wasn't him. There was a street performer singing, "I'm in love with you...."


There was another one I visited. He had pictures facing down in his apartment; a dead giveaway that he was hiding something. By the time the night was winding down I was a little afraid to see what those pictures were. He began shutting doors....."I have OCD." He said, "I want to show you something." On his computer were pictures of him next to cardboard cutouts of various celebrities. "Now look at this," he said, lifting the pictures from face down on his desk. I was afraid now, my stomach nervous at what those pictures were. I was thinking of Rosemary's Baby, where she sees the marks from missing paintings. Or else he's hiding a woman from me. So he lifted up the picture....and it was of him standing next to a cardboard figure of George Bush. The other was of him and one of Bill Clinton.

Sometimes I worry

That things are getting worse, not better. I don't know who to trust anymore in the activist community. See link:


http://dir.salon.com/story/news/feature/2004/02/11/cointelpro/index.html?pn=1

there's something dark in the air although it's lifted. It's Sept. 11 anniversary or else the "demotion" of Pluto or I don't know. But across the ocean in the Middle East, women are being assaulted, stripped of their rights and what is being done about it? Where is our free speech? Our right to criticize our government, our constitutional rights? The Bush Administration seems to believe it's a sin to distribute condoms in Africa, enforce sexual harassment protection laws, is harassing sex workers (so many of them poor women, or just period there's no alternative that earns a livable wage) and on and on. It's endless. And women like Ann Coulter, don't get me started.

today

It's my mother's birthday, who was at Ground Zero when the towers fell. She saw everything. Happy Birthday Mother! I think there's just so much negative energy associated with Sept. 11 it's still lingering. Today has been so fucking bad, for me. My cat made a mess in the bathroom and of course my roommate complained (she wrote a note she could have just called or knocked on the door but I know, it's my problem, my fault) and I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was in a cemetary and someone was telling me (a voice) your father looks like this now (a corpse) you want to see him? There was a corpse in a grave. I was elevated in the dream, looking down at the corpse. I was trying to look away but then it felt like it was right next to me, back on the bed. I woke up panting, as dawn was just starting to hit.

movies

I watched Dolores Claiborne last night that is such an awesome film! Everything from the direction, acting, script, style......brilliant. A woman's film, psychological thriller. I love these kinds of films.....wish I could find more. Especially I like watching "older" movies.

I'll never be cold again

I DON'T want to be here for another NYC winter. I hate winter, can't stand being cold. That's why going to Miami was such a relief. I told the person I was staying with I'm sick of being cold and he said that's exactly why he moved down there. Miami is expensive maybe if I go to the other side of the equator so it's their summer, and I've never been there anyhow. Like Thailand (though I think that's north but it's still hot) because they need the tourism. Or South Africa, back to Egypt, Argentina, just somewhere not cold. Cold makes me sick and depressed: I've lived though enough winters especially coming from Chicago. The summer was too short. I still want another beach day.

The street and barriers

I shouldn't, but the temptation is too great. I decided to take a walk from Brooklyn to Manhattan across the Brooklyn Bridge. Remind me never to walk across there again. I love walking across the bridge, walking period. When I was in Indiana I would run and walk for hours with my dad's dog, and it's a great place to do it cause there's the countryside with the train tracks and all this yellow, like corn and wheat fields, and the hot sun.

But here in NYC at the end of the summer, if that's what this is, there are NO New Yorkers in the street or on the bridge. The only ones who are are these macho guy bike riders who are the other side of the coin: not caring who they run over and speeding over the bridge when there are families with children and dogs around. But the people are also rude: they don't move out of the way for people who walk faster than them and take up the whole bridge, so that there's nowhere to move and you're forced to walk behind them and even then they don't make room. That's just rude, rude. My pet peeve is people who aren't considerate on the street. Maybe it's my own personal space issues which are very strong, and even more intensified, if that's possible, after my assault. Or maybe it's from elementary school when I was followed and assaulted by other kids, male female white and black, from school. But my heart starts beating really fast and I go into high adrenaline mode when people step into my bubble: you can call me neurotic or hysterical but that's how I am. And I just will never get used to people, honestly from different countries or cultures, who walk into others or don't make room for them on the street. Some people have said it's a political thing: like they walk into people who they don't respect or think are inferior, or like eye contact it's confrontational, or passive-aggressive or hostile; but more likely it's that they aren't conditioned or something to establish barriers or they don't have the same concept of them but call me prejudiced (though that's not my intention) well, what can I say? I am bothered by it. I just don't think it's right. I don't--I can't accept it. It's psychological I suppose, but I can't stop seeing this kind of intrusion as confrontational and threatening, because it so often is.
Like I was walking with someone last night, down a dark street in the Village, and she wondered why I have to cross the street when these two guys were walking very close behind me. As I said before, I will never get used to people who are stangers getting too close to me, especially if they're walking behind me, and I don't react well. Like I said, in the past that was how I got assaulted then and now. When guys are walking closely behind you, or women, or whoever, it's NOT ok or good. I know this. And especially I don't want to be on a dark street with guys walking closely behind me because that's exactly what happened when I was assaulted. I mean, women who aren't cautious about this stuff.....they wouldn't what? Even try to resist these guys or not even be alarmed when they're walking toward them? Fine, get raped then. I'm sorry, but please learn some street smarts. I don't know how, that night I was assaulted last week, I --no actually, I noticed guys walking closely behind me before and got away. Also, ten years ago when I was mugged, the guy snuck up from behind me. It's a survival instince and I would say pick up on it or face the consequences. I am being harsh here, but I happen to know I'm right.

I guess it's hard to deal with people who aren't used to New York living and it is just a drag, emotionally, to live with this as I found there's no changing people.

feeling better, somewhat

I've been in pain, physically and emotionally, for the past few days. First it's the injuries from the assault including muscle cramps which are excruciating. I've never felt pain like this. I took 4 advil at a time and that's the only thing that works when it flares up. I may have to go to the doctor.

Then, I ate some pasta and felt nauseous--don't know if I suffer from a food allergy or something. I went for a walk for like an hour or so.....just can't sleep. During the day I want to sleep and at night I can't sleep. That must be why I'm obsessed with nightlife because that's my instinct. When I was a little kid I watched the Amityville Horror at night and also, when I was really little, I saw things in my room. Maybe that's where my insomnia comes from: because I was always afraid something would get me, so I'd be up all night and all I could do was read. Then I'd have an hour's worth of sleep and have to get up and go to school and I guess I was pretty fazed out that explains why everyone thought I was spacey. I thought I had to arrange all my books exactly right or else "they" would come to get me. And the movie was just.....for two years I was terrified at night.....that blood would come out of the walls. And during those years I think I lived, in school, completely in my head, and had no idea what was going on around me. I would read a book and miss the bell, miss class. For long periods of time I don't think I spoke to anyone.