oh lovelies

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Long time but here I am

Four months! Way too long. Part of the reason is I switched phones and couldn't download the software and a lot of bs. So I moved up to 103rd st and have been working on new material of my own which left me physically and emotionally exhausted, in a good way but still. Also in a moment of fear I was dissatisfied with everything I'd written. I realized every inane comment I made on youtube or elsewhere stayed where it was and there I was.....officially out in the world with my name and picture.....same goes for anything I say about anyone. I have been through quite a few ups and downs here but getting going. Also I wrote far more privately on things happening which I have a connection to I found out later. Four months is record time for me and I should have been on it so here I am making up for it. But being that I know I'm good great and everything else what I had I felt was not right. Some was plain bad, what I wrote, but I put it down as it was happening.
I felt I should write it by hand but I'm so used to just typing from my phone. The issue with that is privacy as there are so many stories I've read about hacking spying make no mistake this is real.....and for many years though the law was plainly written for anyone to see very little was done to stop this. Always there was that oozy feeling creeping under my skin that I'm being watched and it turned out to be not merely my paranoia. Ten years ago I won't sugar coat it a few madmen and women were given power and access they never should have been and at times the worst were on top. I naturally function best at night and being extra sensitive to light, noise I get dizzy and confused very easily. Now I'm looking at so many directions I want to take and trying to decide and scheduling has never been my strong suit. List making is my nemesis or weakness I admit, and a lot of the time sent me into a panic! So this had me easily swept up in a frenzy and shit somehow I survived this and in the middle of a tornado found something to hold onto, even of I don't know what it is. Plus the fact that so much of what occurred was not explained nor was it ever made clear why and you know from my perspective I had to question certain people. All I wanted was answers to my questions and the truth I am not asking for really anything else but there were none. Even "yes I did this and fuck you" would have been OK with me and I have a lot more respect for that than no response at all as at least that would have been honest. But because there was always a blank and nothing which is telling that something is a secret which implies that it's being covered up. I am not an IT person for all that my father was a programmer I always found computers confusing and tedious. If I'm not sophisticated in one area I am also not dumb and intuitively I can sense something even if it's not clearly defined. My point is recently I confronted someone who was copying what I did on Instagram which either it was.....I mean if stuff they post is bizarrely similar to what you just did once, twice maybe three times it can be chalked up to coincidence. If it's occurring every other day for several months most likely it's not, I mean it just isn't. For the life of me I don't understand why someone would do that but such was the state of things.....totally irrational and outside the fundamental laws of what is normal or would make any sense. And I read up on this stuff from other people who went through this to know what I sense is actually happening. So I wasn't just trying to be mean when I made the decision to sever ties with certain people it's for all the reasons I just stated.
If I am wrong, fine. I'll accept being wrong whatever is the explanation or the truth I'll accept but instead of being proven wrong through the years the opposite occurred I was actually proven right. For all that I've been in therapy and I'm not gonna lie my family has had lots of problems but I was not prepared for .....It's hard to say this. If there is such a thing as ego, super ego, I'd, the part of your brain that holds one back from completely acting out one's impulses, these were people who did not have any .....If it's called outrageous conduct in a civilized society that's vague but I suppose it would have to go a very long way before it gets there.  But societies that are built on prejudice, oppression and injustice have always been the most primitive and backward and evolution of human beings and society comes with tolerance and compassion always. And I at least know someone can snoop in on my browsing activities now I feel like throwing up. Garrett was right I have to say even of he was wrong about other stuff I was careless and sloppy and it bit me in the ass in horrid ways God how did I survive that? So if someone is peeking in on the pages I visit they certainly know where my focus is but they had no right to do that. I'm really pissed actually. People who want to call me something what are they doing? The society we are in just feels so lawless. Someone like me is in a lot of people's perception a victim or rather a target. Garrett wrote me that nasty angry email about how I perceive I'm a victim it's a real insult and not true. I WAS a victim at times I don't say that because I want a pity party for that matter I was a victim of him. I am not saying this because I want to dump the blame on someone else or because I want to wallow that is  .....I can see how it appears that way maybe but it is not true. The people who say this kind of stuff are talking out their ass. Quite frankly. I know full well how some people abuse a situation and so on but who is anyone to o chastise another person like they are morally superior? Especially people who have said this stuff. I mean if you want to insult me go ahead but what is talk anyway? It's nothing. Bottom line I am not nor have I ever seeking to evade responsibility. What it comes down to is power and who has it, who is determined to keep it. I merely wished to be left alone to do my thing and when that happened I sought answers as I have every right to as anyone would. My generation grew up at the end of a bayonet all we ever knew was threats. That does not a content human being or happy society make.

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