essex st continued

excuse that this is a rough draft.....

so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?

No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....


so.....digressing.

FICTION FICTION

I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.

I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.


ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.