not sociable?

When I went on that DC trip, a drinking get together had been arranged for a bunch of us, in which we toured the bars and Georgetown. It was agonizing for me. All these people were sharks, all of them had knives out, with which they planned to stab me. They all had an agenda. "I don't trust anybody," said Garrett once. There is real malevolence out there. There is a book called In Defense of Paranoia. I know I should be trusting. But I felt like a scrub brush; alienated and miserable. I ended up splitting from the group after my earring was lost, and then crying. I sat in this park by the river, with no kleenex, and finally went into a movie theater to get some. Some people were concerned. It's good to know there are a few decent people in the world. But at that party, everyone--these guys were all hard core beer drinkers and really aggressive and none of the girls would talk to me....at least that's how it felt at first. This one girl, British but originally from Germany, gave off the worst vibes--and there was something hard, edgy about so many of them. I think maybe this same girl later tried to be friendly. But it was too late. Once something or someone sets me off, I get vindictive and angry. That's just the way I am. This one older Chinese woman asked me if I was ok. I need people, company, as much as anyone....I am vulnerable....but don't want to show it. I don't want people to know I need them. I don't, I can't trust people. I have been brutally stabbed in the back. I know better. I am hard, cynical, maybe for good reason. I am angry. I don't trust women or men.

Maybe I'm a whiner. But large crowds and gatherings can terrify me, especially these "bar" beer drinking get togethers. The men are aggressive, and I've been so hurt by men, over and over....insulted, degraded, stamped into a corner. Women are bad too, in different ways. It's like there's nowhere I can go. I don't know who to trust and who not to trust. I know I shouldn't feel this way, we're taught to be loving and open....but it's not always that simple. I'm going on a rant. I grew up an only child. I wasn't raised around a lot of people my own age. I am used to having a lot of space to myself, and privacy. I'm not a group person. I can't stand people staring into my eyes and walking into me, which happens all the time in this town. I am realizing now the damage done to me, though, by mostly men. It's like the same ugliness over and over. I've had problems with women; mainly women who are devoted to these same men and who stand by them, defend them. It all comes down to the same thing: conservatism. Or is it? No, I don't believe in Mr. Right or relationships and I, right now, never want another one. Men cheat, most of them, or eventually want to move on. Men still dominate women, still control them. People, women, let men off the hook and blame society, or "the media" but society and media are comprised of people and dominated by men. There's a statement by Redstockings: "Institutions do not oppress; they are merely tools of the oppressor." Most women aren't radical. Most of them defend men. Progress is agonizingly slow, for that reason.