You can fault me for this and you probably will. I went into Alibi around 3 AM or so because I was having a difficult day, was out of wine and wanted one glass, or two. I have gone in there alone, like last night, met decent people and had a good night. Really all I wanted was to have a drink and go to bed. Yes, it was 3AM but I wanted to go, and I wasn't high or drunk, and I'd been there before. It was crowded in there. I paid for my drink, and while I was standing there a guy, about 5 ft 8, black, bald, with a black and white scarf, came and stood next to me. He said "Hi" and I didn't like his approach, so I said, I'm waiting for someone. He went away for a while, back to his buddies (interesting how these people are always backed up). I got my glass, paid for it, and went and sat down in a chair by the window. Then the same guy came up to me, and stood right over me, putting his leg on the step which led to where I was sitting. He was in my face, and I tried to ignore him. I finally said, after about a minute in which he wouldn't leave, "I would like to be left alone ok?" and he said, I have a right to stand here. He was leering at me, and I said, you're in my space, you don't have a right to be here. He still wouldn't move. He turned to his friend, a tall black guy with dreads, and said, "Am I in her space?" Of course, his friend said no. I said, get away from me now, I'm not fucking around. He still wouldn't. After asking him about ten times with him still refusing, I did eventually scream at him, as loud as I could, "Get away from me!" There was music playing, for what symbolism you can draw conclusions, Madonna's "Material Girl." I screamed again over the music, "Get away I'm not fucking around!" All he did was laugh and tell me I was crazy. I went up to the bartender and said, "I was just sexually assaulted this happened in your bar." Then I left, and stupidly, stupidly, called 911. I say stupidly because......I should have known it was this guy and all his buddies who'd back him up, their word against mine. But I said anyhow, ....I gave them the description and said what happened. I went back in there to see if he was there and the bartender, a white Irish (I think) guy, was standing there smoking. I said, "Do you realize I was assaulted and this happened in your bar?" Then he got hostile at me and said, "Then why are you coming back?" I said, don't I have right to be here, or something like that. He asked me, "Did he touch you?" And I said, he almost did. He said again, did he touch you? And I said, does he have to? He was approaching me and wouldn't back down that's a form of assault. I said finally, "So just because I'm a woman doesn't give him the right to do this, even if it's 3AM or whatever the hell time it is, he has no right.....nice to know this is the world we live in...." then I walked away and the men and one woman, all of them, were laughing. I started walking up dekalb ave back to this dump that I'm moving out of....and I got a call on my cell. I picked up, and it was the police. They said, you called to make a complaint....and I said, you know what, it's useless. No one will believe me. And it's true. They were calling me crazy. The woman on the line said do you want the police to help you or not and I said, no, forget it. It's them(all fourteen of them, men and women---yeah, fucking sick, right?) against me, I won't be believed. I hung up. You can fault me for that as well. What will ever be done about it? I almost mentioned Imette to those people, but didn't. It's a losing battle. I'll be called crazy and dangerous because, yes, I screamed like hell at this guy to leave me alone. Why did I do it? Because he wouldn't back away from me when I told him to. Does he have to touch me for it to be assault? For it to be harassment (it definitely was that)? This is not a "bad" neighborhood either--these are million dollar or multi million dollar brownstones. But I'm done with being here--done. A friend told me how in pretty much this same area rapes would go on as a matter of course and be recorded, awarded really, with individual pegs on a telephone pole. This was back in the 60s and 70s. I asked how many pegs were on this pole? He said, the thing was ready to topple over. So this--I mean does he have to bruise me, stick his dick in me, even touch me for it to be assault? Do I have to wait for that? So this bastard, this sicko, will walk free and be rewarded, by men and women apparently, for his behaviour. Congratulations America. This is the society you've created.
What was I wearing? Jeans and a sweat top, no makeup and ugg boots. I don't dress up, really. Oh, I was a temptress all right......
Women won't sympathize, or men, or ....well, yeah, some will. But I know I'll get, "Well why were you out alone at 3AM? You really shouldn't do that. Don't you know it's dangerous?" Uh--well, gee, no I didn't. I'd been out before and this didn't happen. I will NEVER go back to that place, and I don't want to be in this fucked up neighborhood any more. I have to say it. I thought it had redeeming qualities--it does, but it's been too much hell, too much pain, and I'm not safe anywhere, there's no refuge, there's no one to turn to--there's nothing. There's nothing for me here. I thought Fort Greene was for me--but in light of this, it's not. Where is there? Is it "my" fault that I went into a bar at 3AM? Was I teasing these men, asking for it? I went in there because I needed to get away from where I live, because due to circumstances here I'm not happy or comfortable here either. I went to this same bar last night and it was a good experience. I can't believe I tipped that dirt bag scum dripper of a bartender. Fuck him. Never again, no--I need to leave this place, this fucked up dirty overcrowded woman-hating polluted city I thought it was for me but it's become death, really--or maybe this neighborhood hasn't been completely "converted" these guys were malicious and up to no good but they put on one hell of an act when they need to so nothing will be done to punish them. This guy will go on to rape assault and whatever else and--maybe after he's raped someone or several people then something will be done. I apparently have to be lying on the ground bleeding to be believed. It's a woman-hating world--this plus the film I did but no one will believe me. I'll be made out to look like the bad one. It's pointless. But I can't go on this way. I can't go on here. I won't live in a place where my pain and degradation is someone's entertainment. No way. And the women who find this funny, like the one who was laughing, and I heard her, really laughing hysterically--well, then where will we ever go? That there's no excuse for.
1 comment:
I'm so far behind on reading your blog. Luckily for me you're way behind on writing it. :)
I feel terrible for that situation you described. That shouldn't have happened, and it's absolutely not your fault. That guy was a complete prick, and, in my opinion, a criminal.
At the same time, I wonder if a less confrontational approach might be more effective. It sounds to me like you had every right to make the demands that you made, and yet, demanding that this person do exactly what you tell him to do without compromise must have made it very difficult for this guy to leave and still save face. And precisely because you were 100% in the right, and he was 100% in the wrong, it was even more true, not less true, that it was nearly impossible for him to back down without feeling humiliated.
You shouldn't have to take a less confrontational approach, of course, and you don't have to do so. But I wonder if you wouldn't get better results if you did. To be fair, you certainly did give him multiple polite excuses before resorting to yelling. But, ultimately, yelling and threatening, I think, conveys not strength and confidence, but weakness and insecurity. A more effective approach might be to say--with eerie calmness--something like, "Listen, I appreciate you coming over to talk to me, and it's my fault for not being clear before, but I'd really appreciate it if you would go away and leave me alone." By talking about your feelings and what you want, instead of talking about him and what he's doing wrong, you make it much easier for him to back down.
Then, if he still persists, you can say, "Listen, I asked you to leave, and you refused, and so now I feel threatened by you. You haven't done anything wrong up to this point, but if you continue to stay here, after I'm telling you that I believe that you are threatening me, then, technically, that's assault, and I'm just going to call the police, and you can explain to them why it is that you felt that you had nowhere else to stand in this bar except in front of me." Here, you've still given him a face-saving way out. There's very little embarrassment in not wanting to have to deal with the police at 3AM, even if you sincerely believe that you're not doing anything wrong.
The key to all of this is to be calm and relaxed while you are saying it. Lean back, relax your shoulders, and speak slowly and clearly, with a loud, deep voice.
If that still doesn't work, then don't respond to what he says, except to say, "Okay, that's fine, you can just explain that to the police if you like." And begin to just call the police. Tell them that this person is blocking your only path to the exit, and that he is refusing to leave, even after you told him that you felt threatened by him, and repeatedly asked him to leave you alone, and you want to report him for Menacing in the Third Degree, and you need a police officer to come and protect you, and this is an emergency.
When the police come, don't expect them to arrest the guy, but ask them to please make sure he leaves you alone. They will talk to the guy and make sure he understands to stay away from you. He will be completely humiliated and feel like crying, and you will have gotten him at least ten times worse than he got you. And you'd certainly have to put that one in the win column. But I seriously doubt that it would come to that, because he'll almost certainly leave well before you actually call the police.
It's horrible to be sexually assaulted the way you were. But it's also kind of humiliating to go over and talk to a woman and be shot down. That doesn't give him the right to do what he did, and you should be able to demand that he back down. But sometimes life is about being practical in order to get what you ultimately want. And stupid people, like the man you described, often respond better to more clever tactics than to a direct frontal approach.
By the way, New York uses the word "assault" the way other states use the word "battery," and it does require a physical touching. New York uses the word "menacing" for what other states call "assault." I wouldn't bother with such a subtle distinction with the perpetrator, but you should certainly use the right word when you speak to the police, and say that your calling to report the crime of "Menacing in the Third Degree." That'll really scare the piss out of the guy who is messing with you, especially because he'll have no idea what the definition of menacing is, and whether he's guilty of it. The definition of menacing under New York state law is "A person is guilty of menacing in the third degree when, by physical menace, he or she intentionally places or attempts to place another person in fear of death, imminent serious physical injury or physical injury." Menacing in the first and second degree require conditions that are clearly not relevant in your example. See Article 120 of the New York Penal Code for more information at http://ypdcrime.com/penal.law/article120.htm.
If you tell the person that you feel threatened by his presence, and he refuses to leave or otherwise alleviate the threat, then you could certainly argue that he has intentionally threatened you at that point and that your fear of him is reasonable. Convincing a police officer, a prosecutor, a Grand Jury, a judge, and 12 jurors beyond a reasonable doubt that this person intentionally threatened you is another matter. But, like I say, the goal should just be to embarrass the person and get him to leave you alone, and maybe teach him a lesson. You can't really expect people to be put in jail for standing too close to you, even over your very reasonable objections, despite the fact that it may be technically illegal to do so.
Good luck, and I hope you won't let these few assholes at this one bar ruin your entire view of New York City. I love this city so much, and there are so many really good people here that I've met, including you. It would be a shame to lose one of those good people.
Your friend,
David
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