Winter pix

This is from the 07 anti war march, which I got to the tail end of. I dressed up like a cheerleader for the hell of it and went, wondering if I'd run into any cool people. I showed up and the Missile Dick Chicks and Billionaires for Bush were there. I miss the days of cheering and protesting in the streets. I want the summer of 04 to come back. I miss all the other activists.

But as it was, it was freezing, I didn't see any cheerleaders, and I was barely held together in this outfit. All these kids from the projects laughed at the way I looked. This winter sucked, and I wished for warm weather and finally got it. I wish I could connect with more interesting people, something to work on for summer.





















My two kitties, this winter.

DC Trip from Hell

This is me on line waiting for the bus




At least on the way back. We waited about an hour and a half, standing on the hot street, for the bus. Then, it was packed. People just kept getting on and getting on, not off. Then, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, I was thinking to myself about one of these buses going from Chicago to NYC that crashed, and in which two people died and several others were injured. I started to panic. Right then, there was a loud bang, and a bunch of people were oohing and ahhing. Turns out, a tire popped. So the driver pulled us over to the side of the road. We were told we had to stay on the bus and wait for the police or else he'd get a ticket. How long til the police arrive? He said about 45 minutes to an hour. I ....get very claustrophobic and...I mean, it's ridiculous. Plus, I had to pee this whole time. People were asking about refunds, and we were finally told we'd get nothing. Shit happens, said the driver. Finally, the cops arrived, and we were told to stay on the bus. A little later, we were allowed off to stretch out. So we all hung out on the grass, and people were smoking. Then, I actually would have almost welcomed a cigarette. Or else green. I haven't smoked in about three years. The tire was eventually fixed, and off we went again....and I ended up in NYC around 2am. I fell into bed after three sips of wine. A voice in my head had told me not to go back that night, I should have listened. I thought I had to return, but I didn't. I love DC and had fun, and staying in the hostel was actually pleasant. Maybe I shouldn't have left. Next time I won't, maybe.



Me at the hostel

The guy in the red shirt is the driver who was a complete nut job. He took out some kind of stick or wheel lock and told us he'd beat anyone who got out of place with it. When I went to get my book out of my suitcase outside the bus, I saw him standing over me holding it. I explained what I was doing, and he went away. I believe he was joking, I guess, it was all so confusing. People were joking and laughing by then.

Finally, me on the bus. I started to sweat, and I always lose shit when traveling, no matter how hard I try to stay on top of things. I lost earrings, a necklace, my phone....that's what I can remember for now.

and I got outta there

I'm in DC now, for a night or two. I love it down here I am so happy to get away and the warm weather has done wonders for my spirits. All the stress and anxiety you understand better once you're removed....


It's super sunny and hot a miracle really the kind of heat where you feel like you're roasting slowly....but it's far less crowded and hectic and the people seem for the most part decent. I am staying in a hostel and avoiding going up to the room where I'll be sleeping, because I don't want to sleep in a room with 10 strangers in it....that kind of thing makes my hairs rise up......but every other thing I tried this time didn't work out. Considering I won't be sleeping much there's no point in booking anything really luxurious. I'll survive. Thing is, I need to have the room hot when I sleep or else I get sick....and I have a feeling the AC will be going. I brought a space heater because it gets cold at night and the draft bothers me.....well....I know from past experiences to be prepared!

I also indulged, big time, in some clothes. You know, money that "should" go for something else....a noble cause like animal shelters I spend on decadence, vanity--but vanity won this time. I am decadent, irresponsible?

I need this. Sun therapy. I like it here a lot. I hope to spend more time down here, not just here though of course. I still want to do Latin America, and I miss Egypt as well. I really do. I miss my friends there, and the life I had. Also California....South Africa....all that staring at the map and longing, longing....

but I found out some depressing news. Someone "from my past" who I thought was safely removed from my life.....is going to a "private party" in my town, NYC, well I know what that means. Not only that, someone I can't stand is going to be there. Actually it already happened. It's the same story every time. But I won't go into it...

Simone de Beauvoir wrote about love being a sterile hell as the ultimate salvation....if I have a daughter I'll teach her that....better not to walk in with blinders on....

but enough of that for now....back outside into whatever I encounter next...

Going out in NYC

is no longer possible to be a positive experience. Because first of all, I have to deal with men in the street leering at women, making comments, turning every last one of us into objects, and nothing is ever done about it and it is never questioned, these men are never punished. Men staring at women in the streets, like they're drunk, sick, I'm sick of them--it's killing me, I think about killing them. Any woman who wears a dress, who does her hair or makeup, wears high heels--these are the main targets. If you're attractive, you're inviting it. I think many of these men are staking out their next victims, seeing who will fight them the least. You hear all this talk about "beauty standards" and "society" and "media" or even pornography putting pressure on women to make themselves into fantasy sex objects, wear high heels, skirts, makeup, but what it comes down to is it's men. Society, media are abstract things created by human beings: almost overwhelmingly men. Men pressure women to wear uncomfortable clothes, makeup, hair spray....and punish anyone who doesn't conform. Every minute of every day I have to deal with this barrage of assault, this overwhelming sense of entitlement, from men in the streets.

But I'm not letting women off the hook, either. "Rich cunts" is the term Henry Miller was using....."cunt" is not a nice word despite some feminists' efforts to reclaim it. But people aren't always nice. I had to transfer trains in the Carroll Gardens section of Brooklyn, and I hate being there, hate it. It put me in a really bad funk. I want to stay positive, but in this atmosphere it's a struggle to see straight most of the time. The energy is horrid....all these Republicans, all these conservative women it's religious with them, really, it's sexual in a way. Maybe they're seeking approval from their fathers, maybe it's narcissism.... I'm not going to whitewash now....it's true. What would drive a man to make a law saying a random woman whom he has never met, who he doesn't care if she lives or dies, can't have an abortion? Why so much energy spent on protecting a primitive life form, and valuing that over a grown woman? The reason is control. Same with keeping prostitution illegal. I could go on and on. I'm not attacking everyone. But certain people are guilty. Women oppress women, they sell other women out. This is the dirty secret feminists don't want to let out--women's barbaric treatment of one another. My friend was telling me how these girls in her private school once locked her in the bathroom....but it's more than that. They want a leader, authority figure, maybe, someone to worship? Maybe that's part of it....

But I shouldn't say this stuff. What is the solution? I have read enough Ann Coulter to recognize hate, and reverse hate isn't a solution.....

but I can't go on in this environment and hold it together. I can't live with constant invasion of my personal space, the "hostile environment" of men leering at women and pressuring them for sex or plotting ways to stake out their next victim, because well I can't I won't tolerate it. What's wrong is wrong. Why is it illegal for them to do it in the office but not in subway stations? I can't live this way. It's eroding my health. And this "takeover" going on in the city; the artistic venues disappearing or under pressure--to become beer halls or upscale restaurants and even Bluestockings being stocked with watered-down pseudo-feminist or non-political books because....some women may be offended by anything too hard core....

this is suffocating me. I need a change. I can't stay here. I would die if I had to live in Carroll Gardens--not the Carroll Gardens of old, the Italian neighborhood, but of now--the high-rent, "yuppie" atmosphere I don't want to go on a negative rant....but what can I say? It's how things are. Even the techno clubs....no techno is bad, it incites people to take drugs and have gay sex....

Pro-choice is not just about abortion rights

It's about a woman's right to do what she wants with her body, or any two consenting adults, without government interference.

That includes selling it for cash.

They're all the same to me.
Did the female suffragists make prostitution illegal? Many well-meaning feminists contributed to it, probably to stop the sex slave trade.

Look how far it got us.

Keeping prostitution illegal on moral grounds violates the First Amendment of the Constitution: separation of church and state.

Disgusting


France, how could you have let this happen? The fact that this MF has come into charge is a terrifying threat to women's rights, minority rights, workers' rights, all the hard-won health and child care benefits in France....let's hope there's no domino effect. I'm so upset.

Really, how could this happen? Who voted for this guy?

Street Harassment Summit

Today there was this Street Harassment Summit on the lower east side that I went to. I met up with the girls from Hollaback and other women. It was really cool to see that there are so many others who feel the same way I do. Cause it's BAD now I mean bad here. So much that I was wanting to move. I was walking home the other night around 6AM and this guy was walking on the same block I live on. He was yelling at me, "Hey! Hey!" He was also very menacing. There were a couple more similar incidents. This is one advantage of having a roommate, because last night I ended up calling her as I was walking home, around 3AM. I usually take cabs but tonight I decided not to, because for the most part things had been calm around here--but then summer started and it's true what they say: the guys want to hang out in the streets more and one thing leads to another. My roommate agreed to wait at the window for me, which helped. At this point I don't know if it's good for me to live alone. I keep saying this city is basically safe except for occasional incidents, but other times I feel differently. But either way, we're made into objects every time we go out and I don't even remember it being this bad when I was in high school. It's all part of something larger......that I have to find out.

I was wrong

Some of my past behavior, like in the last few years, I'm not proud of. I really am grateful to those who meant to help. But what is over is over.

This girl I know just moved into a co-op building and I'm so envious. It's very quiet, safe, peaceful and inexpensive. My mother keeps wanting me to apply for these places. But there's an up and a down side to everything. Where I am, I have a back yard and the cats can go in and out. It means I can have them out of my hair once and a while.

The ideal living situation--does it exist?