chicago house

I'm from Chicago originally. I'll say this much: the music's great. The radio exceeds NYC's by gazillion. There's a house party in the park outside.

But this is Brooklyn. There's quite a lot going on but I need I will demand some time just for me, just to put my feet down. Just to breathe. I've made at least 30 phone calls in four hours. It's gotten to the point where I'm sick of my own voice. I have hundreds of emails to answer. I demand time just for me.

right now

I've been through my own personal battles, and it shows on this blog. I want to write more cheerful stuff; well, it's not that things are bad, but I'm working extremely hard more than ever in my life. There is a potential for good, but I have to make it work somehow. I hope to spread good vibes, though.

what next?

This being a response to something written, and said ........

I think I need to...I don't know.....but I'm really not satisfied with any of the groups I've been involved in, online or otherwise. I sometimes feel lonely, frustrated, but I know I can't possibly be alone. But I will remove myself from certain people and situations. I am not going to just look the other way when I see wrongness being done, or pretend it isn't happening. If a guy is disrespectful to me on the street, I have a right to confront him. If I confront a harasser and he turns out to be a plainclothes cop who turns the tables on me and threatens to arrest me, then insults me, when he and his friends harassed me and I did nothing to them, nothing violent, then I can't just walk away from it trying to only see the good in people. If we just looked at the good then nothing would ever change, and change needs to occur.

I need to have more in depth discussions with people, mainly other women, who understand how I feel and when like minded people get together and really bond in a positive way, then that is going to create effective change. If we preach to eachother and the converted, it doesn't matter! Some things can't be said enough. I am not going to engage in endless busywork just so I can say I'm "doing something" if it's pointless, menial and repetitive. And I have finally realized I can never go back to the corporate world, and the answer to my problem is not to get, if I ever can, a job that is low prestige, which has no growth opportunities, which teaches me nothing and provides no satisfaction, allows me no opportunity to leave my mark on the world, in which I become frustrated, depressed, angry, and that has me crying or yelling from the strain of it. It's wrong, but life carries much that is wrong. And for me, the solution is not isolating myself in the woods or on a mountain trying to reach nirvana because that is not facing life and the world, the problems that need to be fixed, it's an evasion from a battle for justice, among other things. Right does not automatically happen, the courts know that.

And finally, even if I do get arrested for some stupidity, the idea of spending so much energy on a lawsuit that is flimsy, that will be very hard to prove in court even if I am right, is not comforting right now. I've said this before and I mean it: until there is real unity among women (which is definitely not happening) then I don't see how things can get better. But women are divided and I've even said I just don't really love women necessarily, but what happened in SHP is the prime example: women who turn on other women, hurt them, really stab them in the back, are what is a hindrance to "solidarity." But realistically, women haven't bonded, we haven't gotten over differences, and not all women are great or even good. So what do you do? I know I have to find something else, a more substantial relationship, and not even a sexual one. I believe there is hope. But I'm not going to deny what I can't.

an army of lovers

like I've said b4, I am not a lesbian, and not about to stop having relations with men. I don't despise all men, though I do get infuriated at misogyny, and I don't want to be around only women. I really do try to reach out to other women, but they either start annoying or embarassing me by asking questions I consider personal, too personal, or else try to play "God" (or Goddess) by either obsessively fault finding, picking fights, being judgemental, or else, the other side, acting like if they hadn't come along I'd be hopeless; with constant advice and "if I were you" or "what you really need to do is" as if I hadn't thought of that, you know? Like the other night, I was trying to talk about a major issue with this woman, and out of the blue she starts telling me I need a rug for the bathroom. Look, it's not like I hadn't thought of that, and it really pissed me off. I don't want a rug because it'll get wet and mildewy, Jesus, if I have to explain myself. Inevitably it becomes a contest, a power struggle. Or, the other side is silence. They don't respond when I do try to be friendly; then suddenly, six months later when I'm actually preoccupied with something they (intrude?) approach me and expect me to drop whatever I"m doing to socialize with them, my long lost friends. I have to be honest here, because I'm feeling really angry about this situation and can't pretend there are no problems. Maybe I just need to get out and experience more life, or something, and not stay in this apt with all the problems and difficulties I'm dealing with here, and now. But I'm gaining back my strength, slowly.

here or there

is my best option to leave the US? I think very very seriously about it every day. I posted a subject like this on b and a a while back and was bombarded with .....well I'm under no illusions and I believe in what I am doing, and am not so naive I expect it to be a stroll through the park. But I'm not joking. I want to move to the UK. When? I'm just not happy here. I don't know how I can ever be. I'm suffocating. I need a different society, a different kind of life.

hurricane katrina

I'm looking at the pictures. Guess I'm not the only one with problems. I've been to New Orleans twice, and it's one of my favorite places to visit. When I start to solve some of my current problems I'll start traveling again; this time to LA, oh, I don't know. Or a small trip to philly.

So....guess not all in nature is benevolent.