Hail to Thee Mighty Aphrodite!

Hail to Thee Mighty Aphrodite! Ancient Goddess of love, marriage, sex, prostitution, pornography, beauty, femininity....... The most popular, most (probably) beloved diety ever. I've been meditating on her and writing about her in more private diaries quite extensively as of late.

Ancestral searches

Found this memoir, really an interview that was subsequently transcribed, of a woman named Jesse Gilbert Saiter who is not related to me, but was married to a man who was probably a distant cousin of my grandparents, something like that. It's an amazing story I haven't read it all but I plan to. That and collect information of early European-American history out in the plains; in my family there's quite a lot of that, on both sides.

This interview was done almost 30 years ago.....it could have been completely lost and thanks to Illinois Digital Archives and the libraries there it was all preserved. Kudos to these!

This all came about pretty much out of the blue and randomly as for the hell of it I did a google search on Saiter, Illinois, after reading this on Harry Middleton Hyatt anyway like I said there is SO much out there and so much history in any place crazy huh?

Brooklyn Life

I'm not the first person to write about this and won't be the last. But life here in the early 0s, in Brooklyn. Coffee shops and bike/dog culture. And black. Ha. I'm sitting in the very cute little combination Thai/Hippie/Yuppie establishment called Rice on biscuits and Washington Park. Earlier I was at a place called Brooklyn Express coffee shop of something like that on Dekalb....where I was walking Tundra, Garrett's dog, until the owner came out and yelled at me about grooming Tundra who was shedding a storm cloud of fur in front of his "place of business" like I was some kind of criminal. Well I AM his business, I paid for my coffee. And dog biscuits which they were selling.....plus they had a bowl of water on the sidewalk for dogs. Tundra actually led me there.....there was this kind of dyky punk woman working there....a nice break from the otherwise bland upper middle class people in this area......I bought my latte and biscuits ect then I had taken this metal thing you brush fur off with....and Tundra was shedding so much it got in my mouth everywhere......so this owner.....a tall muscular African American guy....came out and was saying he appreciates me cleaning it the fur is going into his shop ect. This is what I have to deal with every morning. I am used to being able to start my day with coffee at least and a little down time but I get none now. The dog has to go out and I won't get into her going to the bathroom everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Mornings are very stressful as is this situation.

But that said, I'm sitting in this Rice place....despite the fact that I got into an argument with these people sitting outside yesterday again over Tundra who I won't get into it cause I'm about to eat. But the music is very nice reminds me of this Brazilian music my boyfriend's ex wife sang...which he played for me. In a bizarre way I'm very inspired by this....and this is helping me. It's very soft and dreamy.......unreal, almost like fairies singing. I am very moved by all this fairy talk I think it's awesome.....whether they're "real" or not isn't the point.....your art becomes life. Fairies and demons. A little better. A little.

written sometime in may this year

I've never been near a volcano or seen lava
once I tried to make one
exploded all over the kitchen
Mother home from work and screamed raged
formidable beast of flower no end to it
am I a brat
patience is evil
I am a bitch
I hate myself Amen
what a cruel game
what a cruel joke that was
what a cruel world
joke's not funny anymore it was on us
love is a knife
love is jealousy slowly cutting
eating away at your life
needing revenge
the fog, the ugliness of it all away all away

holy?

My mother has this book of international literature and among them is the Qu'ran. I am very very enraged at reading this to the point where I am ready to ......go crazy. It makes sense in the worst way. The constant phrase "God is merciful" then telling people God will throw people into hell fire for all eternity if they don't believe in "Him" that women have no rights and if you're a slave you're really SOL. All this because this is how "God" wants it. Uh, not to bash anyone's beliefs but....I'm bashing them. I don't discriminate against Muslims no that's not right I am against that. I do have major issues with the religion. I'm trying to put it out of my mind. Is this how all men think, just they don't publicly say it cause they can't anymore? You can't marry a woman plus her sister, in case that's what you were planning on doing. Sorry for the letdown. You can't marry your stepdaughter. Guess Woody Allen would not be accepted there, he's going to hell according to them. God is merciful. What can I say? Well, these are my opinions. Maybe I'm "ignorant" well be they as they are this is what I feel; so far what I"ve read makes me against this belief. Have to say it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Oh30JhRIeI&feature=related



I have to preface this by saying I am NOT advocating anyone use drugs of any kind. Sadly use becomes abuse too fast. I won't deny I was addicted to cocaine but I found antidepressants and adderall and yes tina I won't deny it and I'm not on coke. I have ADD for real (I know people allegedly lie about it but I"m not lying; I really have it) and I suffer depression and medicine has helped me. Meth at times has helped me focus. I know there are those of you who will be horrified but that's the reality: uppers have helped me. ADD, bipolar, depression are real medical diseases as is borderline disorder and people suffering from it do need medicine. But yes it's dangerous, and because honestly of irresponsible behavior of some we all suffer, myself included, in not being able to get prescription medication I need. Because I get grilled and tested and told to come back for more testing and if you've ever done coke in your life they won't give you antidepressants or adderall and won't prescribe the latter at all because it's like cocaine...and some people abuse the shit out of it......and so we all suffer. But we NEED it, some of us. I have had days where I was ready to faint, couldn't get out of bed, couldn't finish anything, couldn't focus, or study, where I would stand up and see black and practically faint. I couldn't talk to anyone or think clearly. I couldn't pay attention. I would just feel like falling asleep, for days. Walking and running were excruciating. Stimulants were prescribed by a psychiatrist, and I was able to finish work and think right and get things done that I couldn't before. I would fall asleep in the middle of studying, or get irritable, spacy, depressed.....and suffer over and over again. I was depressed and it is a biological condition. Medication got rid of the problem. BUT if you're already manic obviously anything to make you more manic will make your brain explode. Everyone's chemistry is different. THere's a reason dancers use uppers. All my life I've suffered a slow metabolism as well.

THat said:
honestly; I have to say I believe these trips are more in their heads than a result of drugs. Everyone's brain chemistry is different. If you're not mentally sound you should AVOID drugs....if you're already manic you shouldn't take any amphetemine. or uppers....I have ADD so stuff like this doesn't phase me I dare say it almost makes me normal.....I still fall asleep. psychiatrists grill people with questions because of this problem. OBVIOUSLY if you're pregnant you should never do drugs or alcohol or cigarettes. And there are people who want abortion to be illegal! Which is worse?

more on this

some highlights I remember....this one cracked me up. An article written by a woman lawyer, hm....women keeping women down, deja vu anyone? Anyhow, this lawyer wrote "In Defense of Chastity" saying girls should not give into men's advances because men will think they're sluts and not want to marry them then if they get pregnant they'd "really be in a pickle." Crazy huh? This is how people lived. In Feminine Mystique, Friedan quoted this male professor saying something like, girls need to ask themselves, "Should I willingly prepare myself for a lifelong celibate career?" And this was in college, including the prestigious seven sisters like Smith where both Plath and Friedan went. My mother tells me back then....something like you'd have to worry about preganancy like you do, say, HIV now, and that "everyone would think you were a slut" and you would be sent away. Your classmates would be told a lie like that you are visiting your sick aunt. Abortions were of course illegal and clandestine. The pro-choice movement was originally a radical one. It was certainly beyond shocking for a woman to get up in public and speak about it; much like Margaret Sanger and birth control at the turn of the century. I read in Margaret Atwood something like, it took three phone calls back in the day. I read a quote somewhere where a woman said something like, "All this talk about AIDS now, but back in the fifties pregnancy was the kiss of death." And went on to say what my mother told me. Truthfully, it was common for women to "have" to marry then. Simple, and not. Now our problems are different but extremely complicated....we're supposed to live up to these impossible standards of the Superwoman. Really, a child takes everything out of you. Pushing a bowling ball out of yourself; it's not hard to imagine why women suffer PTSD, or post partum depression. Of course.....my mother said the screams in a ward are horrible and so is the pain; she said it sounds like a torture chamber. My mother was tied to the bed: going to the doctor was a way of going to be tortured. My mother tells gruesome stories of what she and her brothers went to going to the dentist. Plus the didn't have the same health standards so people had worse dental problems. Shock therapy is horrible and it's now known totally unnecessary, as is vivisection. ADD was not understood; kids were punished for that, or schizophrenia. THose suffering these illnesses are among the brightest to, according to....Kay something, author of a book on bipolar, have to look that up. Oh, An Unquiet Mind. THe deaths are unnecessary as well. What happened to Plath naturally could have been avoided. I suppose she was bipolar or suffered ADD which are treatable now. I know many people who have it. More later on this....Oh a bell jar is a vaccuum? like a tube, used in TV and film? ?????


Oh yes, another highlight of the book is where she describes this African American waiter serving string beans and baked beans together, and has him saying "Mah! Mah!" I think she or one of the others kicks the plate because two beans are not supposed to be served together. That stands out as well, having been served hospital food myself. That part has been running through my mind.


My next book is In Cold Blood. Another fifties book. That era did produce some great work and interesting people, I'll say, for all the repression. The film Capote, which I saw with my mother, sister and SOnny, is one of the best I've seen. I'd say if you were living back then and NOT having a nervous breakdown, especially after being served articles like "In Defense of Chastity" that's when you know you're REALLY screwed up! I mean, did anyone really take that seriously?

I wrote this as a response to another video...but it wouldn't upload for some reason. here's the link


Bell Jar Youtube Review


Actually Plath's era was Pre Feminist. Or rather Pre Second Wave Feminism. It was the time that....set the precedent, I believe that's how they say it. Women were then told they had to choose between marriage and motherhood and a career.....they couldn't have both. Read The Feminine Mystique--which grew out of her era. Betty Friedan was one of these typical suburban housewives....and wrote from her own experience. You think it's hard to balance all these things now just imagine what it was like then....there was little or no support for a woman trying to "have it all." They were told they couldn't. Much has drastically improved even if it's far from perfect. Very very long topic for discussion but we don't have ten years to go into it all....but I recommend reading Friedan. Good review, though!

the bell jar by sylvia plath

reading the bell jar

sometimes I think I was born into the wrong era. Or wish I could go back in a time machine. WOuld it ever be possible to invent one? Science fiction always bored me.....but who knows. Stanley Kubrick and Sylvia Plath were contemporaries and I am someone who tends to mull over photos....as I have his and hers. I have her picture on the back of the novel, and his.....when he was young; and he was really a hottie then...they are but two years apart in age. My grandmother was born in 1926....same year as Monroe. Another one I find fascinating. MOst Hollywood stars don't interest me....maybe Grace Kelly. Vivien Leigh but she was British....she was someone who thought the stage was superior but she ....she was born for the camera. She had that something--you couldn't take your eyes off her. Blah.....rambling.....but to think both of the people I just mentioned may have been in NYC at the same time and never knew eachother.....Mother says I'm obsessed but if I am it's your fault Mom.....You dragged me to these films as a kid. But I don't blame you...think what I would have missed!

This picture of Plath is disturbing to me. To think she was only around 19 or 20 then....both of them were. I guess.....they were kids like us...well like I was at one time, like I see everywhere.

Yoko Ono - Kiss Kiss Kiss (Reversed)

fairies

they took her earrings maybe
they are here maybe
they took my rings maybe
what did I feed them small price to pay?

thought they landed on me but it was an ugly black fly
my polish is chipped and my hands naked
my feet are dirty I might as well have not showered
she asked what Irish Moss is for
her earrings were
a hundred tiny emeralds gold and green
her eyes are gold and green
There are clouds of green outside my window
so many could there be so many


cheesy poem maybe inspired by a woman at flower power where I went to get rose oil. They were out. Later I talked to her again...she said she was in a bad mood because maybe the fairies took her earrings. I guess I'm not the weirdest person out there....hm.....and I can't find my rings now either

Spring St

all because of him all
you know it was
it was because of him
you know it was


their faces are blue
their hair is straw their
their faces are blue
help will it help
they say don't be afraid
you won't know until you do
won't know then
won't know then didn't know then
you won't know until then
didn't know until then

and they are staring they
are glaring
they are staring at you
all of them
you ran from him
you ran from them
the street is brick
the light is blue and
they were waiting waiting for you
don't let them tell you they're not still
not still you saw him there
there was him you saw him
there there was him
there was them because of them


the streets are brick
the light is blue
there is a ton of water
springing up there for you

a face in the dirt
a roll of tape
a face, a doll's face
doll's face waiting for you


and they were there and there was you
he was wearing that hat
wearing that hat
wearing that hat
waiting for you he was wearing that hat
and waiting for you
waiting for you
their faces are blue

you should come see this
it's really bad
come see this
he's waiting waiting
is he alive? not really dead
the hair is straw
straw is yellow
yellow is their hair
he's waiting there

sometimes

YOU ARE A DUNCE!!!!!!!!!!


just after that day
the faces are purple
their hair is straw
move your arms more
move your arms more
shake your ass
move your arms
shake your ass
after that day after that day
it was after that day
so many of them
after that day
so many of them

rooms and hallways
the light is bright
the light is bright
the moon is white
her name is white
her name is play
name is play
won't go away
her name is play won't go away

her dress is green
really is green
so light, lifted up with no weight
it was you all along

come back

after a night of partying. THAT part went well. My friend Lydia put on a gorgeous green gown tied the ends, some lipstick and did a Spanish like dance. THis other woman an African Brazilian was there and showed us her African Congo dance videos. Jeannette is the woman whose house we were at. It is a gorgeous loft apartment actually she had all these amazing candle holders bedspreads and six cats three dogs a back yard really lucky. Dog one of them kept pissing. But it was lovely regardless. I performed my Irish folk gothic dance. The African girl Funmi I think was her name made these Acai and vodka drinks. Earlier Lydia and I had a nice time at Tillies talking about various things.....

THen I come back to G's and.......he had gotten mad at me for washing the floors as soap was slippery. But there is no way I could NOT wash them. Impossible. THey are and were horribly filthy. There was an extra layer of dirt. The dog shit on the bed.....I won't get into that. So after being very VERY tired I had all this wine and proceeded to wash the bedspread and I HAD to wash the floor.....only ONE day after having SLAVED to scrub that goddamned floor there was yet another film of disgusting dirt and horrible .......I cannot stand to have a messy floor. WHen I first got here I spent days cleaning it. WHich is worse, peeling paint or dead bugs and filth grime bacteria I won't get into what else. Rusty nails. All kinds of terrible stuff. Sharp edged plants. I mean I'm only trying to help but also I cannot stand to live this way. I hate cleaning but I can rest easier now. It used to be I would come home and spend an hour cleaning after the cats. I'm drunk and need to get drunker. Even though I had a good night. Well....I had been hysterical before thinking I had worked my fingers to the bone for nothing blah blah but I'm better now. Help. HELP. Turns out I had used castille soap which made the floor slippery....he said something like I almost killed myself slipping on my own floor.......trying to wash out the bad stuff and I am fearful but hey it is what it is.

Still.....I'm thinking so much of that night and it was really incredibly moving. Lydia is a gorgeous dancer when put together. Her dress was designed by Jeanette a sherbert green I don't think I could wear that color but she wore it very well. She managed to move well as a dancer and kick ass......

Looking forward to moving ON moving ON moving ON what will it take?

Amazing

how some people seem to have no problems. But of course I don't know for certain. But it seems like some people's lives are one long bubble. Well, I guess I can do the same.

I had this dream that I was in a deli.....or hotel....storage space? Kept finding $20 bills I'd lost and forgotten about. White floors. Not completely clean.


The mist and rain and cool breezes are so nice. I have lemons and other doodads......clay figures on my windowsill.

the fifties

were in some ways horrific and great and many things. but they produced some interesting people. you know the saying, if it were another time and place.....well, yes. But it's not; it's now; things are what they are. I try not to think what if or if only cause it's futile. But I still think that.

Woody Allen - Take the money and run - Bank robbery

some writings over the past few months

stuff I jotted down; now I'll put them here since I want to recycle some paper.

glad I stayed with you
great idea don't you agree?
did you beg me not to leave
and beg and beg and beg
love or control? which is it?
what good news must wait til Thursday?
if we need love, stability
organization? travel? want to go here?
fly? fly?
Air? sword? fight? stab with words?



Once we were in love
it's so hard to remember
eyes brown like sand sand
falling in the hour glass
it wasn't to last
we knew it wouldn't
a tender box
a birthday present
blew out the candles
make a wish
hate me hurt me
blow blow on my candles
oh the stab
it hurts the stab it hurts
but you (can't read my own writing)
I turn again
I turn against myself
oh they can never never take
oh but it could
burn death large but it could
burned away
once we had everything
once you put me at the top of the list
at the top of the list
at the top of the list
and we were at the top I was drunk but we didn't get hit
where was I?
oh but it was pink
pink and so bright but it could be
once he fell all over me
on top of me
two three one how we bled
til we both were dead
oh how we bled
oh how we were red
and you know he did
and you know how he did
and the mirror is merciless
jealousy how it pricks
how it burns relentless a slow dull blad
ever so slowly turning
show all of you
a demon flew over my head
once how we bled
one we were red
two how we bled
fearful need


written 4/16/10

afternote: some of my poetry is a little maudlin.....rather the gory stuff, personal stuff


4/16/10

I'm a thief
a crook
sorceress
demon sigil
horns on my head
a perfect fit
I'm a killer baby
that can be read two ways
I'm a killer, baby
and I'm a killer baby
hm kind of like the second
fill me up
I'm evil
I'll never be anything but evil
I'm not blonde
believing in God
believing in Santa
believing in Adam and Eve
one day
I'll end up in a trash can in the woods
that'll be the end
I won't be the first
oh but you're still dreaming
if only you knew
how I bled purple and red for you
how I bleed
my heart is full of black soot

and I insist insist insist it melt away (these two lines I just added)
oh but you're still dreaming
if only you knew me
how I bled purple and red for you
how I bleed
you I still need
come to me
me me only

all that's so ugly
so ghastly godawful
in Bushwick a hideous place
you don't know what you're missing
you're not missing anything
a mattress on the floor
a memory of him
what life there is here, and there's very little
a back yard full of weeds
dark hideously ugly cellar of a hideously ugly building
in a neighborhood of shacks, train tracks, everything grey
and a mess
but the library coffee shop is here
one pretty red ribbon
full of pretty people
and a happy blue dolphin swam toward me here
one thing I knew I'd end up here

but not this place, I bought purple and black candles
that and my art the only attractive thing
this basement like a tomb, a dirty one
a cellar of cold, damp, grey and sooty hell
a soulless place
quiet and piss yellow ugly
(I added these couple stanzas now)

(original)
words--so few--so beautiful
from your schizophronic brain juices
I got naked
I'm a wreck
I looked at the leaves
imagined the sun
filled myself with 30,000 roses
and screamed for over an hour
(recently written)

they he lit me on fire
all my pain turned into cheap vaudeville
christmas tree lit up
you abused me
how did I life through this?
my panties are red
purple and bled
oh how I slip
oh how you flip
me ????


cookies are green
sparkles are bright
sleep through the day
live through the night

tortured, raped, beaten
the choir sings faces tilted
she stabbed you a million times
she purposely degraded you
the dirty river behind both of us



from hell you're from hell you're going to hell
love kills it's all I know
it's what I'm used to
a family of schizophrenics
he said that's made up bullshit
schizophrenia: could be a character in a play
talk to me please
he will die, I will die
on a cross in a street, bloodied
his brains a mish mesh of wire
he won't live


I thought love I slept on a floor
a beer, a symbol, something I drew
purple bled it could be worse
the salt stings my mouth my bones I feel it shake me every molecule
you who are sugar
bless through the computer
oh the love a stuffing for a toy frog
belong where you belong



(next page)

it's five oclock in the morning
I'm hurting, hurting bad
your tire went flat
I almost killed myself on that bridge
the bus headed for Mass
just before it crashed
the fires, letters lit up like eyes of a jack o lantern
I only got burned the farmer in me has thick bones
from Illinois from peasants
no I"m not dreaming this
watch something burn
dolls are turning toward you
they're really staring at you
the faces are staring at you
they are in the wall
they are in the bricks
the skull is on the table
love love in a dingy room
one tree and foam
it's aphrodite in this bottle
everything was grey
except for that one light
and the book Wicked
everything dark
all of them and you you're just a satellite
really aren't you?

the book said, "Kill the wicked witch of the West"
oh the pink the pink you and me
we sleep
there's purple in this dark
is still love only love
one beer a burn
they some of them sleep in the street
steaming in glass I have been on the curb
and I've been in the Plaza
all the gold stairs are dull
empty if

and you thought it was a joke
thought it was an accident
that a skull candle
wouldn't do that wouldn't do that wouldn't do that
that's what you thought
you who were so smart
you were so goddamn smart
I'm shaken shaken twisted I'll never recover from this
you had such a brainy blonde head
it wasn't real it wasn't
really it was red
really it was red
the skull was real but it was too late before you knew it

the corpses were real coming out of the swimming pool
that person really was choking
her dress waved in the wind it was red too
they said it was a wig

bloodied and muddied
meant to be
face staring at me
crocodile? he appears......he's always there is he?
this is no dream
we were shot at
bleeding and life some coffee
sugar, eggs, a rag between my legs
they'd get what they want?
wouldn't be me
I was a fool and learned the hard way
I've severed ties
no more staying up all night
blood on the mattress he has that too
he has my writings
he'll try to say they're his
bullshit they're not his

this is it
this is really it
I won't be that thing
I won't be thrown out
spells, summon, any kind of peace of mind
destroyed by him
she's hot totally hot
she was talking about poor
as if she knew what it meant
she was useless and stupid why mince words

skin white as snow lips red as blood hair black as the black keys on a piano
death and dying
the dead girl
lips red as blood
put the black oil on
well now I know

some of them had fangs so did she
the black cat

last night

I was going to take a book to read....but left it home thinking it was too much to carry. But I ended up in a train station and it's always my habit to bring something to read.....I bought the Times and NY Post (I like to read the crime blotter). I read the book review.....words like "visceral" being used....thinking it's nice to read something really intelligent; really somewhat soulful.......even if those same words are in every such article, which they usually are. On the way back I was looking for something similar.....ultimately bought the Enquirer. This is fascinating stuff. Stuff you don't hear about elsewhere.
I went running and that's when I do a sort of morning meditation....like the morning pages....I wake up feeling horrible, with horrible thoughts in my head. Running and writing clear all that out....I was thinking about bad things that happened to me when I was a kid. THere was bad and good. My parents made mistakes I'm not excusing what they did: they hurt me at times. NO one beat or molested me or.....well so many things I hear about. I can I did forgive them. I had very good and very bad fortune. THe good can turn into bad because if you're blessed with good things people get jealous and vindictive. Probably Assia was jealous of Sylvia Plath maybe unconsciously she wanted to get her where it counted. Too many people suffered and died unnecessarily. On the up side, with modern medicine and psychiatry/psychology much of this can be prevented. There was so much creativity at one period....I would guess there is little in history that equaled it. It was really wet and springing with stuff......but sadly there was bad as well under the surface. We were in the center of both. It was great and it nearly killed me.

But looking through the Enquirer....I mean.....there's this ad: kids born with clefts; that I'm looking at. Now that's really really bad. I know I have it good compared to much of the world. So I will try to make the most of what I have going for me.......this is what I want to accomplish:


travel: South America, maybe back to Europe....Africa. Main places for now
learn shorthand
better relationship love love happy love if others can have it so can I goddamn it.
better living situation
more pets, cats kids
better job in film
writing finished
learn tarot