Of course I live in me and I'm biased, I'd like to think I'm always right and blameless, but I know I can be a massive cunt on wheels. I sometimes think, I wasn't raised to be mean; I grew up reading Bible stories (NOT to be confused with the right wing Christianity which most people are familiar with) my mother taught Sunday school.....I've fallen out with most religion, if not all, but I still believe there's Something there. But I was raised on these ideas of selflessness and kindness but what happened? I've been angry, on a short fuse, and at times venomous. I guess I really don't enjoy hurting people; only some have done bad things to me so what choice do I have? Some people well I have to admit they have it coming to them; people who've done horrid things not just to me but to anyone who is innocent.....in some instances I believe, I know, it's necessary to use violence. I think maybe those people deserve to be hurt. But by and large, I don't want to hurt anyone, yet I do. I get into moods, and I was so stressed lately about everything but now that that's somewhat alleviated and I can breathe, for now, I am realizing I didn't really want to be mean, or hurt anyone.
That said, there are people who made such a fabulous contribution to my life and changed so many things for me who I don't see. Why is that? That eats away at me. It's hard not to feel a certain sadness in the midst of happiness that they're not here. But what can I do? Those people I never, ever intended to hurt or offend but it seems like I did, or else they're just flaky or that's just the way things have worked out or something.
But anyhow, I'm starting to feel the pull of travel. I just want to go....wherever, but some place warm. I need a getaway that is stress-free, relatively. I haven't had a real vacation. It is cloudy here and not warm and I'll miss summer, I still want to lie at the beach in a bikini; swim for hours then sleep on the beach. Summer is too short! Maybe I belong in California after all. It will be a tremendous load of work but I'm ready to take off again.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The stages of drinking
My mother was talking about her grandfather, Grandpa Michinsky, who is actually not really her grandfather. Her actual one divorced her grandmother to marry another woman.....but anyhow, Grandpa Michinsky is the one she grew up with in Alma, Michigan. He was a drinker as was her father. She described the first stage as one where he was dancing and singing, dancing with her and her brothers. The second was the "great guy" stage, where he would say things like, "So and so down at the plant....he's such a great guy; just a super person...[ect]", then third was, I think, the staggering around the house stage, and finally, the fourth, where he'd be yelling (or more like slurring-yelling), "Alfreda [my great grandmother] I'm going to divorce you!'
She said he'd be at the bar with his drinking buddies and Alfreda would go after him, saying, "You get out of there!" and trying to pull him out of the bar. Later on that night he'd start saying, dragging his words, "Alfreda I can't stand it anymore."
I don't know....where am I going with this? I guess cause Alma Michigan always seemed like the middle of nowhere to me, and I'd always feel lonely and creeped out in Michigan, like we were the only people there for miles and miles. It gets really remote there and whenever I was there I really couldn't wait to leave. For me, I was hardly ever around anyone under 50 except for my mother. Occasionally my then step siblings would go with me, so at least there was someone my age. As we drove through all the small towns we saw all these people who were overweight, and my mother would talk about "all the fat people."
So going back to Evanston and the beach was welcome at times.
But then now I met D in the Lower East Side, who's from Ann Arbor.....so the world is smaller than I thought.....and there actually is someone else besides us from there.
When you wonder, I should have or could have run right then but instead I stayed and this is what happened which wouldn't have if I'd ran
I was sweaty and panting and had walked from rehearsal at 23rd street I had the address but.....
It turned out to be the Trump Tower. I went in there in flip flops and a raggy skirt and everyone was in heels really dressed up I wanted to turn around was afraid to see him expecting someone stuffy to open the door and say, "Get out of here; you're a slob." I dress up occasionally but most of the time I don't like to.
As I was waiting for him to open the door that's when I had the urge to run.....but I didn't. I stayed. He opened the door and was......I was wondering if he'd tell me to leave.....but he was.....kind of goofy or something......and just stared at me for a few seconds....and then....I went in there.
So everything changed after that, sort of. But then I got the wrath of Mother and Sonny, assaulted on my block, terrible muscle pain, and, conversely, health insurance.
I'm tired. These past few days it felt like something really negative was in the air. I'm trying to be upbeat and optimistic; I am an optimist I hope. But I have come to accept that there's so much I can't control. But I worked myself last night to total fatigue as I so often do and mornings I can't get out of bed......though I did this morning, only to face another bad situation. Even the astrological chart says today is not good but what can I do? The rent won't pay itself and no one will get me out in the limelight if I don't.
But I'm still waiting for this to end. It's cloudy and I"m sick of the rain, sick of being wet and cold.
It turned out to be the Trump Tower. I went in there in flip flops and a raggy skirt and everyone was in heels really dressed up I wanted to turn around was afraid to see him expecting someone stuffy to open the door and say, "Get out of here; you're a slob." I dress up occasionally but most of the time I don't like to.
As I was waiting for him to open the door that's when I had the urge to run.....but I didn't. I stayed. He opened the door and was......I was wondering if he'd tell me to leave.....but he was.....kind of goofy or something......and just stared at me for a few seconds....and then....I went in there.
So everything changed after that, sort of. But then I got the wrath of Mother and Sonny, assaulted on my block, terrible muscle pain, and, conversely, health insurance.
I'm tired. These past few days it felt like something really negative was in the air. I'm trying to be upbeat and optimistic; I am an optimist I hope. But I have come to accept that there's so much I can't control. But I worked myself last night to total fatigue as I so often do and mornings I can't get out of bed......though I did this morning, only to face another bad situation. Even the astrological chart says today is not good but what can I do? The rent won't pay itself and no one will get me out in the limelight if I don't.
But I'm still waiting for this to end. It's cloudy and I"m sick of the rain, sick of being wet and cold.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
I see you everywhere see him everywhere
So D has been coming into conversation with me and my friend and I'm seeing clues of him everywhere and everywhere people who look like him. A few days I got this email with this message:
Whatever I do, forgive, and believethat I have loved you. The drawback to going away, murmured Adrian, is the having tocome back.
D is in Fiji and I don't know why I can't forget him or V. I can't get them out of my mind.
That email was part of this chain spam I don't know what emails I've been getting on my Yahoo account and I get more and more of them constantly. It's like this novella someone is writing that they're sending to strangers.....it's getting annoying. Yet, this isn't junk it's meaningful stuff.
I'm trying really hard to become enlightened now but there's so little that I'm inspired by, everything feels, this isn't a nice thing to say, almost God-less. I'm trying to put things back together. But I'm so uninspired by what is around me, with a few exceptions, like certain music videos. I guess I need artistic inspiration that's what is lacking now. A play a film a book something I have so little time just for myself. Or erotic literature. I'm debating whether or not to post my sexual fantasies....which could be comic in a way.
Whatever I do, forgive, and believethat I have loved you. The drawback to going away, murmured Adrian, is the having tocome back.
D is in Fiji and I don't know why I can't forget him or V. I can't get them out of my mind.
That email was part of this chain spam I don't know what emails I've been getting on my Yahoo account and I get more and more of them constantly. It's like this novella someone is writing that they're sending to strangers.....it's getting annoying. Yet, this isn't junk it's meaningful stuff.
I'm trying really hard to become enlightened now but there's so little that I'm inspired by, everything feels, this isn't a nice thing to say, almost God-less. I'm trying to put things back together. But I'm so uninspired by what is around me, with a few exceptions, like certain music videos. I guess I need artistic inspiration that's what is lacking now. A play a film a book something I have so little time just for myself. Or erotic literature. I'm debating whether or not to post my sexual fantasies....which could be comic in a way.
me and punzy!
That's my kitty who my mother got from the Southhampton shelter, Punzy. I think most of the time pets look like their owners but I'm not sure about me and her.....I guess.
how do you love someone whose great love affair is with themself?
Way back when, a few years ago, I hadn't done enough homework on psychological traits like narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy and I believed that it was possible to change people. Like if I asked my roommate not to do something she would get the idea that it's wrong, it bothers people, and try to stop. Instead, we're talking about addicts here, the whole thing was turned on me, they made me out to be the wrong person, crazy, a jerk, a dangerous person......they don't see their own faults and attribute criticism to someone being out to get them, to harass them. In other words, they don't change no matter what. Psychology 101 should be a requisite for anyone in the work force. My life would be so different now if I knew then what I now know. A part of me sensed something wrong with them, but I also felt like I myself had failed, done something wrong. Someone who is shallow will not understand something like philosophy, or art film even; but instead become vindictive to others who see their game and call them out on it. OK.
It may seem to some people like I'm being negative or pessimistic. I see it as the opposite: by laying the bad stuff on the table, I'm creating the possibility of hope, of survival. But life is not all sugar and I'm not going to pretend everything and everyone is great. That said, this is last night's dream: This is a recurring one; the math class I'm about to flunk and my mother has the same dream.......
I'm in college and I've been taking three classes....one of them a math class that's required for graduation. It's near the end of the semester and I realize I completely forgot about any of these classes, particularly the math, and I'm thinking, how will I ever graduate much less go to grad school now? I'm ready to talk to someone and ask if there's any hope now of passing.
Then, another recurring dream, I'm on a plane, it takes off.....there's this girl, basically "dyky" who is the pilot; actually, she was this girl I saw on the train station earlier, to get the L. I think I'm moving through different parts of the plane but finally sit in front and I'm trying to figure out where we're going. Finally, we start to land, but she misses the landing spot in the airport, and lands against the wall. I'm thinking we're going to crash or at least get banged up.....but we land somewhat safely, unharmed.....
then I woke up.
It may seem to some people like I'm being negative or pessimistic. I see it as the opposite: by laying the bad stuff on the table, I'm creating the possibility of hope, of survival. But life is not all sugar and I'm not going to pretend everything and everyone is great. That said, this is last night's dream: This is a recurring one; the math class I'm about to flunk and my mother has the same dream.......
I'm in college and I've been taking three classes....one of them a math class that's required for graduation. It's near the end of the semester and I realize I completely forgot about any of these classes, particularly the math, and I'm thinking, how will I ever graduate much less go to grad school now? I'm ready to talk to someone and ask if there's any hope now of passing.
Then, another recurring dream, I'm on a plane, it takes off.....there's this girl, basically "dyky" who is the pilot; actually, she was this girl I saw on the train station earlier, to get the L. I think I'm moving through different parts of the plane but finally sit in front and I'm trying to figure out where we're going. Finally, we start to land, but she misses the landing spot in the airport, and lands against the wall. I'm thinking we're going to crash or at least get banged up.....but we land somewhat safely, unharmed.....
then I woke up.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
my privacy stolen
That is my life, my privacy, and I'm a private person. I guard my personal stuff like I guard my body, and this invasion is as bad as a physical rape. I trusted the wrong people...is it their "narcisissim" or whatever it is but my life was stolen from me. And that really is unforgivable. I trusted the wrong people with secrets and the very wrong people got hold of what is most sacred and private and important to me.....in the hands of bad people. How did this happen? How could I have allowed it? How could I not have known? I'd like to think I'm blameless but I'm not yet I'll be made out to be the bad one, a person with no morals a lyer a cheat well guess it takes one to know one, n'est-ce pas? That's French.....
But there's a line in the film Choses Secretes that goes something like, "That's the tyranny of human nature. We want that which eludes us.......The femmes fatales of history were either narcisissts or lesbians." That's so often how love goes?
But there's a line in the film Choses Secretes that goes something like, "That's the tyranny of human nature. We want that which eludes us.......The femmes fatales of history were either narcisissts or lesbians." That's so often how love goes?
Friday, August 25, 2006
assaulted
So just after that last post I went home from the Village, getting off the train at Classon Ave, and long story short, walking down Skillman between Lafayette and DeKalb all of a sudden I saw these two guys walking closely behind me, and I walked faster, but then they jumped on me I started screaming my head off not knowing what they were going to do.....the guy put his hand over my mouth and I managed to scream anyhow.....somehow I stood up and he was holding the strap of my bag......still screaming I pulled away and the strap broke. I got out of my shoes somehow, and ran barefoot toward Dekalb. There was a cab there so I ran toward it.....a guy got out and said, what happened? A woman said, I'm calling the cops, are you hurt? Only scraped but fortunately I'm OK, OK. It could have been so much worse. I just went through a few hours of dealing with police, who were pretty decent, my roommate, as they took my bag which had my keys, my IDs, my cell phone, thank heaven Garrett was home and had an extra cell so I switched over the number, but these assholes, those guys, have all that personal information on my old phone who knows probably they won't use it but that's not public, that stuff.....I was lucky, lucky that people were around to help. I had thought this city safe but I guess it isn't. I don't know what to do really. I don't know what those guys wanted, to rape me rob me who knows. Two guys got assaulted where Garrett lives, and this is an expensive neighborhood. This is just one more headache I have to deal with but it's serious: no more games.
August 25 is the anniversary of Dad's death, also, and this just adds insult to injury. I am fearful of a "next time" and will it be worse? Is it just a random fucking thing or what? No, no no I won't wear heels walking home at night, I'm lucky I could get out of those shoes and run. They were those little slippers you buy on the street. It could have been so much worse. August 25 that's just a bad day, I'm looking forward to it ending.
August 25 is the anniversary of Dad's death, also, and this just adds insult to injury. I am fearful of a "next time" and will it be worse? Is it just a random fucking thing or what? No, no no I won't wear heels walking home at night, I'm lucky I could get out of those shoes and run. They were those little slippers you buy on the street. It could have been so much worse. August 25 that's just a bad day, I'm looking forward to it ending.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
obsession and fatigue
Endless wondering: will so and so call are they mad did I alienate them what are their reasons what motivates them waiting and waiting the curse of love. Easy to say: I'm not gonna wait anymore no matter how much I like someone, and no matter how I try to alleviate it I end up waiting again. ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Simone de Beauvoir wrote of love being potentially hell and I know what she means. I actually miss David was thinking of him but I'm also jealous that he's traveling. Now I'm looking at the food channel and shots of Paris an absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly, city. And wanting to go back, to go somewhere, wherever! South Africa Colombia California back to Egypt.......
Always feeling tired like I'm going to faint when I'm outside and there's an endless laundry list of Stuff that needs to be done yesterday so badly wanting to connect with someone but also wanting NOT to. I'm eating chocolate which I shouldn't but I have endless cravings for it cravings period plus well periods of feeling like I'm going to pass out then suddenly not being able to sit still. The doctor told me I'm borderline anemic.
It was Tolstoy who wrote: all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way. The events of this past weekend are tragic but also absurd to the point of being almost comic. If everyone is famous for something I wonder if we'll be famous for being weird, and I ran into Sonny on the train....he just looked at me and didn't even say hi just really creepy, like foreshadowing. I am getting A LOT of foreshadowing plus seeing people who look like V and D plus .....I'm looking for clues but have none, for now.
Always feeling tired like I'm going to faint when I'm outside and there's an endless laundry list of Stuff that needs to be done yesterday so badly wanting to connect with someone but also wanting NOT to. I'm eating chocolate which I shouldn't but I have endless cravings for it cravings period plus well periods of feeling like I'm going to pass out then suddenly not being able to sit still. The doctor told me I'm borderline anemic.
It was Tolstoy who wrote: all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way. The events of this past weekend are tragic but also absurd to the point of being almost comic. If everyone is famous for something I wonder if we'll be famous for being weird, and I ran into Sonny on the train....he just looked at me and didn't even say hi just really creepy, like foreshadowing. I am getting A LOT of foreshadowing plus seeing people who look like V and D plus .....I'm looking for clues but have none, for now.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
the last post
Was melodramatic I know......but well I was upset. I don't have time to go into it now.....but I can't understand why my mother and Sonny don't want their kids to have full, rewarding and happy lives. Someone who is a total social misfit dominates Samantha's life and it's so sad for her, because she's a normal person and she said to him, "I don't want to be like you! I want to go out and have friends and have a normal life!" And what 19 year old wants to stay inside in the woods on a Saturday night and who in the Hamptons comes home at 2AM on Saturday? Mother herself was complaining to Donna last weekend that Sonny always goes out of his way to spoil anyone's good time, so why is she taking his side this time? Are they jealous? What is the point in being in the Hamptons if you're not part of the life? It's depressing going to Bridgehampton Polo and not being able to get into the VIP tent and finally I meet someone who I get along with and who CAN introduce us to the life and Mother and Sonny have to nearly permanently sabotage it and I can only pray, pray to whoever's out there who can help, that those people aren't alienated. Sonny is truly scary and he made a nasty scene showing up in the parking lot and yelling and them calling our phones Sam's only hope is to strike out on her own and sadly there are limited ways of doing that.
I really feel for Sam. They did this same thing to me when I was sixteen, expecting me to sit alone in that house with no friends in the woods.....no wonder I revolted,and was afraid of the country. Mother would flip out at me alone in that house and even attack me.....and it was all chalked up to her being distressed at recent bad events but the time has way passed and she hasn't changed. She talks about Grandpa having borderline personality disorder but I say she has the same, and I could have gone that way also.
That said,though,I beg whoever is out there for a second chance with V and these people because I believe wholeheartedly in the nightlife/club/techno scene and I believe it's right--I mean it's so hard to explain but I just know I'm doing the right thing here-- and I know bad stuff happens but I don't want to ever be told not to dance!
I believe,with no doubt whatsoever, that I did the right thing by befriending V and those people and that Sam did the right thing also and that Mother and Sonny are wrong. They get this way whenever we try to be social. They got mad at Al when he came out and my friend Jane.
It's a lost cause.....you can't be with certain people hoping for the best because it's not in them to be constructive: they won't change. From now on I'm on my own out there, and Sam too.
I really feel for Sam. They did this same thing to me when I was sixteen, expecting me to sit alone in that house with no friends in the woods.....no wonder I revolted,and was afraid of the country. Mother would flip out at me alone in that house and even attack me.....and it was all chalked up to her being distressed at recent bad events but the time has way passed and she hasn't changed. She talks about Grandpa having borderline personality disorder but I say she has the same, and I could have gone that way also.
That said,though,I beg whoever is out there for a second chance with V and these people because I believe wholeheartedly in the nightlife/club/techno scene and I believe it's right--I mean it's so hard to explain but I just know I'm doing the right thing here-- and I know bad stuff happens but I don't want to ever be told not to dance!
I believe,with no doubt whatsoever, that I did the right thing by befriending V and those people and that Sam did the right thing also and that Mother and Sonny are wrong. They get this way whenever we try to be social. They got mad at Al when he came out and my friend Jane.
It's a lost cause.....you can't be with certain people hoping for the best because it's not in them to be constructive: they won't change. From now on I'm on my own out there, and Sam too.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Never going to that house again
I feel sorry for my sister who is stuck there with nowhere to go. They may slowly make her crazy. They're (Sonny) telling her not to go out, be back by such and such a time, you can't go out.....ect ect. And the event, the evening, was a really good thing, and they ruined it for all of us. All because he is socially weird and can't stand anyone else having a life.
I met up with V and his friends and everything was going pretty well til my Mother and Sonny flipped out about the car, the hour (4:40 AM, whatever it was) and I could have stayed out til 10 AM I'm an adult they can't boss me around anymore, though they try to. But Sam's only option is to strike out on her own.
What is the point of having a house in the Hamptons if you're not going to be social? It's just painful.
Never again! If I ever hear from V again I'll go with him and actually enjoy myself out there for once, rather than sit in the house at 11PM on a Saturday. Done.
I met up with V and his friends and everything was going pretty well til my Mother and Sonny flipped out about the car, the hour (4:40 AM, whatever it was) and I could have stayed out til 10 AM I'm an adult they can't boss me around anymore, though they try to. But Sam's only option is to strike out on her own.
What is the point of having a house in the Hamptons if you're not going to be social? It's just painful.
Never again! If I ever hear from V again I'll go with him and actually enjoy myself out there for once, rather than sit in the house at 11PM on a Saturday. Done.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
got new plants, on a good astrological day
I have revivied my interest in feng shui and astrology and I decided I can't live in a condo. Where I am has problems but it has a deck which helps cause I have cats and I think cats should be able to go outdoors.....and it's summer and the place is crying out for green. So after studying Magi Astrology their lesson is start everything only on a good astrological day, today I got this impulse to buy plants and pay a dormant bill......but didn't check the MA calendar......so I risked it. I checked it just now and voila! it's a favourable day. I hope this works. I don't know if feng shui works and everyone makes fun of me but I think there must be some logic to it. So I hope the green brings lots of green cause I so need it. I am hoping, really hoping, I can go back to Egypt or just some place warm when winter comes around. But every time I make money I end up having to spend it. There is always a bill, a fee somewhere. There's rent money and money for a better place. There's the plane ticket. and ect ect
I'm sick of fees. They're like ants. How do I get rid of them? Anyone?
Monday, August 14, 2006
Hamptons, just returned!
So bizarre I randomly met this guy who turned out to be the owner of the Star Room in the Hamptons. I'm still buzzing from the whole experience and can't stop thinking about it. So.....I took the LIRR from Flatbush Ave in Brooklyn where I live to Southhampton, where I met my mom and sister. Mother was in a good mood and we went on our millionth trip to the farm stand out there where Mother got berries and corn on the cob. The fresh corn out there is sweet, heavenly. So the Hamptons look pretty and I'm so depressed there are only a couple weeks left of summer boo! So I'm trying to make the most of them. I love summer, I've said that before, and decided I refuse to be cold this year after and I hope, I pray, I can go to South Africa Egypt just some place warm for the winter. I was so relieved to be in Egypt that bitter winter two years ago. I know I won't miss the cold.
But summer's here now and my sister and I went to the Star Room. It turned out to be a pretty decent place not pretentious with a hip hop room and a techno room (but nowhere near enough bathrooms) and the techno room was red and I didn't see it at first only the hip hop room and that stuff isn't for me, so I was thinking, how am I going to stay here four hours but finally I found the other room, which was more like a separate house. The crowd was mixed mostly Long Island people lots of bleached blond hair, but most people were nice, actually. The techno room had a drum player, balloons and go go dancers. My sister was determined to get drunk so she went off to get some alcohol, and when I found her again she asked me to come with her into the bathroom so she could take off her bra, which she didn't have room for in her bag so she wanted to keep it in mine which had very little room. So it's this long long line and only one toilet finally Sam gets her turn and she ends up staying in there for several minutes. This girl said to me, is your sister OK? She's been in there a while. So I knocked on the door and said Sam, what's going on? I won't go into the details but the bathroom was pretty vile so she said, just one second. This girl said, I don't think your sister is OK.....so finally Sam came out then later she was telling me she couldn't understand why people were giving her dirty looks. She told them, the toilet was stopped up so "I went in the trash can and this woman got mad at me and I said why are you giving me that look I'm trying to be your friend?" We split up again as these guys with button down shirts were after her and I wanted to find other parts of the club and that's when I found the techno room. So.....hours later I finally ran into Sam again when it was getting late and the place was closing. I said, I'm tired and my feet hurt let's go and she said, "I'm not tired. You can go." Her voice was different, like high pitched, and she was sandwiched between these two guys. Before I saw her on this stage area dancing with these girls and I think she was making the moves on them....not sure. But before, I had met this fairly nice guy (Alexander) from Austria who approached me and we had gotten into a conversation. I have his number so who knows.....I think he'll call. Whatever: I'm so not interested in dating right now. But he was nice, and I was thankful to have some company.
So my sister has had a few and she's underage and I'm beginning to think she has some kind of manic illness.....I adore her but she's not that bright about things. She wanted to leave with these guys who also wanted me to go with them to some after hours thing, and this guy had been all over me saying, "I want to set my friend up with the Irish girl." I'm actually mostly German but it's the red hair.....
And I said, I can't get into a car with you I don't know you. Especially cause he was all over me and it's obvious.....but my sister wanted to go with his friends and I kept trying to talk her out of it but arguing with her is like arguing with a bull so I said, whatever, I'm leaving. So....as I was getting a cab, my sister, with another guy she met (also named Alexander), said, wait, these guys will give us a ride. So this nice young men who worked at the club drove us home for half the cab fare. I got out but Sam wanted to stay with Alex so I got out, so thankful to finally be home. I love the feeling of coming home after clubbing, and falling into bed. It's such a relief to get out of the shoes and back into the comforts of home. I was really beat and fell asleep, but within a half hour or so Sam came in, and whispered, "Alex is outside and I don't know what to do. I have to drive him home and need the car keys." I said, you have to deal with Mother about this cause she'll flip.....and on and on, but she left then came back within a couple hours. I had brought my space heater cause the place was absolutely freezing and I can't sleep in a cold room. My mother freaks out about it cause she thinks it's a fire hazard even though there's a switch on it that turns it off if any objects get to close to it or if it overheats. That is the main bone of contention between us....because she can't sleep unless the room is cold and I can't sleep unless it's hot. I like the room to be hot like the desert and to sleep naked, with no covers. So Sam comes in while I'm sleeping with the heater on and turns on the air conditioner. I woke up to realize both the AC and the space heater were going at the same time. Finally, morning came around and Mother came in, saw the heater and said, "Laura I thought I asked you not to use that." I said, it's cold in here and I can't sleep in the cold. I really can't. I get sick, extremely, sleeping in cold. One time I practically got pneumonia. I have no choice but to go against her wishes and use it, I'm sorry. Cause even though it's summer it's cold in the house at night. What else am I going to do?
So, the next morning Mother's friend Donna, my former boss, was there and she, Sam and I had breakfast and an interesting conversation. We decided to go to the beach and after two and a half hours of preparation and Sam getting pissed we left. I was supposed to catch an early train cause I had to be back for an audition but I ended up staying at the beach. I know, that's really bad. I feel like such a slacker. But the audition was for something .....well, it was a kind of open call. I feel bad about it but there was no number to call and I was enjoying where I was. That's bad I know. If I'd had rehearsal or a really major audition I would have left.....but finally I caught the later LIRR and sat for hours on this train which had a really disgusting bathroom that smelled and I had salt water in my hair.
So I swam in the ocean--I'm backtracking--and I love the sea even though I'm a fire sign but it's really beautiful, and swimming is hard work. My arms and legs were aching, but it was beautiful nonetheless. When I got out, my hair was sticking together and the salt water was stinging my eyes but no matter......
but on the train I was feeling horribly dirty and trying to concentrate on my book but the smell was atrocious and I was worried about germs and to top that off, my ex Albert had called while we were getting into the beach car to go to the train, to tell me that my beloved old cat, Midi, is on her last days. That news was devastating but inevitable. So we're going to have to arrange a "funeral" and I think Midi should be buried in the Hamptons cause that's where she's from. Her dying is the end of an era: that's where I got my Midicat name. I don't want her to suffer, but I really feel the pain of her dying even more than I felt my fathers: I mean, Dad's was expected--I guess this is as well. But it feels like it's happening to me personally, like someone wants to get me.
But life has to go on, you know?
But summer's here now and my sister and I went to the Star Room. It turned out to be a pretty decent place not pretentious with a hip hop room and a techno room (but nowhere near enough bathrooms) and the techno room was red and I didn't see it at first only the hip hop room and that stuff isn't for me, so I was thinking, how am I going to stay here four hours but finally I found the other room, which was more like a separate house. The crowd was mixed mostly Long Island people lots of bleached blond hair, but most people were nice, actually. The techno room had a drum player, balloons and go go dancers. My sister was determined to get drunk so she went off to get some alcohol, and when I found her again she asked me to come with her into the bathroom so she could take off her bra, which she didn't have room for in her bag so she wanted to keep it in mine which had very little room. So it's this long long line and only one toilet finally Sam gets her turn and she ends up staying in there for several minutes. This girl said to me, is your sister OK? She's been in there a while. So I knocked on the door and said Sam, what's going on? I won't go into the details but the bathroom was pretty vile so she said, just one second. This girl said, I don't think your sister is OK.....so finally Sam came out then later she was telling me she couldn't understand why people were giving her dirty looks. She told them, the toilet was stopped up so "I went in the trash can and this woman got mad at me and I said why are you giving me that look I'm trying to be your friend?" We split up again as these guys with button down shirts were after her and I wanted to find other parts of the club and that's when I found the techno room. So.....hours later I finally ran into Sam again when it was getting late and the place was closing. I said, I'm tired and my feet hurt let's go and she said, "I'm not tired. You can go." Her voice was different, like high pitched, and she was sandwiched between these two guys. Before I saw her on this stage area dancing with these girls and I think she was making the moves on them....not sure. But before, I had met this fairly nice guy (Alexander) from Austria who approached me and we had gotten into a conversation. I have his number so who knows.....I think he'll call. Whatever: I'm so not interested in dating right now. But he was nice, and I was thankful to have some company.
So my sister has had a few and she's underage and I'm beginning to think she has some kind of manic illness.....I adore her but she's not that bright about things. She wanted to leave with these guys who also wanted me to go with them to some after hours thing, and this guy had been all over me saying, "I want to set my friend up with the Irish girl." I'm actually mostly German but it's the red hair.....
And I said, I can't get into a car with you I don't know you. Especially cause he was all over me and it's obvious.....but my sister wanted to go with his friends and I kept trying to talk her out of it but arguing with her is like arguing with a bull so I said, whatever, I'm leaving. So....as I was getting a cab, my sister, with another guy she met (also named Alexander), said, wait, these guys will give us a ride. So this nice young men who worked at the club drove us home for half the cab fare. I got out but Sam wanted to stay with Alex so I got out, so thankful to finally be home. I love the feeling of coming home after clubbing, and falling into bed. It's such a relief to get out of the shoes and back into the comforts of home. I was really beat and fell asleep, but within a half hour or so Sam came in, and whispered, "Alex is outside and I don't know what to do. I have to drive him home and need the car keys." I said, you have to deal with Mother about this cause she'll flip.....and on and on, but she left then came back within a couple hours. I had brought my space heater cause the place was absolutely freezing and I can't sleep in a cold room. My mother freaks out about it cause she thinks it's a fire hazard even though there's a switch on it that turns it off if any objects get to close to it or if it overheats. That is the main bone of contention between us....because she can't sleep unless the room is cold and I can't sleep unless it's hot. I like the room to be hot like the desert and to sleep naked, with no covers. So Sam comes in while I'm sleeping with the heater on and turns on the air conditioner. I woke up to realize both the AC and the space heater were going at the same time. Finally, morning came around and Mother came in, saw the heater and said, "Laura I thought I asked you not to use that." I said, it's cold in here and I can't sleep in the cold. I really can't. I get sick, extremely, sleeping in cold. One time I practically got pneumonia. I have no choice but to go against her wishes and use it, I'm sorry. Cause even though it's summer it's cold in the house at night. What else am I going to do?
So, the next morning Mother's friend Donna, my former boss, was there and she, Sam and I had breakfast and an interesting conversation. We decided to go to the beach and after two and a half hours of preparation and Sam getting pissed we left. I was supposed to catch an early train cause I had to be back for an audition but I ended up staying at the beach. I know, that's really bad. I feel like such a slacker. But the audition was for something .....well, it was a kind of open call. I feel bad about it but there was no number to call and I was enjoying where I was. That's bad I know. If I'd had rehearsal or a really major audition I would have left.....but finally I caught the later LIRR and sat for hours on this train which had a really disgusting bathroom that smelled and I had salt water in my hair.
So I swam in the ocean--I'm backtracking--and I love the sea even though I'm a fire sign but it's really beautiful, and swimming is hard work. My arms and legs were aching, but it was beautiful nonetheless. When I got out, my hair was sticking together and the salt water was stinging my eyes but no matter......
but on the train I was feeling horribly dirty and trying to concentrate on my book but the smell was atrocious and I was worried about germs and to top that off, my ex Albert had called while we were getting into the beach car to go to the train, to tell me that my beloved old cat, Midi, is on her last days. That news was devastating but inevitable. So we're going to have to arrange a "funeral" and I think Midi should be buried in the Hamptons cause that's where she's from. Her dying is the end of an era: that's where I got my Midicat name. I don't want her to suffer, but I really feel the pain of her dying even more than I felt my fathers: I mean, Dad's was expected--I guess this is as well. But it feels like it's happening to me personally, like someone wants to get me.
But life has to go on, you know?
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Remembering
and feeling really mad. It's hard to forgive certain people, and I suppose I haven't really. I do still feel "raw" about certain things even 20 some odd years later. Like the kids who chased me in the playground or the girls who wouldn't let me in their circles or invite me to their parties. Cause every day I see people who could be those same kids now, only grown up, trying to befriend me. I know they're not "the same" people but then again I just get that vibe from them that they are, just in a different time/place. And I'm just like, I'm the same person that I was then, I haven't forgotten how you treated me, why should I be your friend now; what have you done to deserve it? I feel so mad I want to hit them, or scream. Because I don't think their attempts to be friendly are sincere. I know what people may say, "Why can't you open up and trust people? Why can't you be everyone's friend?" Cause in the past I did trust people who turned out to be not trustworthy. Trust and friendship have to be earned. Yes there were people who were oh-so-sweet to my face but were really backstabbing. These people exist, you know?
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Summer is the time for optimism
I love summer and never want it to end. I like hot sun, tank tops, flip flops, the city, food cooking at all hours, the element of danger all of which is NYC in the summer. I remember the summer I left for England and how much I missed the heat and skimpy clothes....cause in London I couldn't believe it was August and people were wearing winter coats at night. And Scotland, forget it.
It's already past the first week in August, getting around to the anniversary of last year, a very decrepit time in my life......but I pulled myself out......still I will miss this warm weather. This time of year is very profound to me. I hate winter, hate the cold.....and in the Midwest where I grew up it was truly hell. Bad enough that I was in that town but to top it off the cold was merciless.....and I don't miss that. Maybe I will go to Egypt or California or wherever it's warm and crazy, come November/December.
The summer before 9/11 I was living in Hoboken--the land of designer bags and shoes and that's pretty much the entire culture there. And back then I never wore makeup or nice shoes and was always active, walking up and down the mountain I lived on, or around the city, a tom boy but I can't say I didn't suffer for it. I was always feeling unattractive, though looking back I realize I was gorgeous and didn't know it, but I didn't feel that then. I was scruffy. I was listening to Basement Jaxx.....and John Digweed's Global Underground Los Angeles CD (I didn't have an ipod I know I"m really behind the times) and so I associate that music with the period before, in my "other life." It had been an amazingly good year for me in which I made a decent chunk of cash after two years of poverty and suffering. Kind of hard to explain, but I went through a kind of catharsis....but anyway, so I had had some cash, was going occasionally to Twilo.....and my neighbor was talking about getting ready for fashion week.
It's already past the first week in August, getting around to the anniversary of last year, a very decrepit time in my life......but I pulled myself out......still I will miss this warm weather. This time of year is very profound to me. I hate winter, hate the cold.....and in the Midwest where I grew up it was truly hell. Bad enough that I was in that town but to top it off the cold was merciless.....and I don't miss that. Maybe I will go to Egypt or California or wherever it's warm and crazy, come November/December.
The summer before 9/11 I was living in Hoboken--the land of designer bags and shoes and that's pretty much the entire culture there. And back then I never wore makeup or nice shoes and was always active, walking up and down the mountain I lived on, or around the city, a tom boy but I can't say I didn't suffer for it. I was always feeling unattractive, though looking back I realize I was gorgeous and didn't know it, but I didn't feel that then. I was scruffy. I was listening to Basement Jaxx.....and John Digweed's Global Underground Los Angeles CD (I didn't have an ipod I know I"m really behind the times) and so I associate that music with the period before, in my "other life." It had been an amazingly good year for me in which I made a decent chunk of cash after two years of poverty and suffering. Kind of hard to explain, but I went through a kind of catharsis....but anyway, so I had had some cash, was going occasionally to Twilo.....and my neighbor was talking about getting ready for fashion week.
Monday, August 07, 2006
confusion
There's a line in a film (I will decline to say which one....OK.....JFK) that goes something like, "We're through the looking glass. Black is white and white is black."
I'm experiencing that now. I'm seeing that things aren't as simple as I had thought even 24 hours ago. Some bizarre things have happened to me. Twice today the number 666 sprang up at me, don't laugh: on the treadmill when I put my new CD in, as in, 666 calories per hour due to the numbers I had plugged in; and then when I made a trip to the nearby bodega looking for conditioner as I was out. I looked in 3 different stores and.......every time I go outside, this being a problem most women face, I get sexually harassed. Today I was really mad, and I wanted to really attack these men. Not only that, if these men are in the company of other women, I imagine they're hurting the women emotionally, probably scarring them for life. I am not going to make excuses for bad behavior even if it is part of someone's culture; well, unlearn it. Some people may call me xenophobic or racist or something, and I detest those kinds of attitudes, so I never want to be that. But I won't turn a blind eye from someone doing something wrong, and when I really get angry (it runs in my family on both sides) I feel my heart start beating faster and the blood rush to my face and it's a really bad feeling, as well as holding it back. I think so much of street harassment is power: that these men know they can get away with it: they play on women's anger, defenselessness really; because in these situations I feel their power over me, knowing I can't turn to anyone, not the police, not other people on the street, like I'm backed into a corner. I hear all the time people saying women shouldn't walk around alone after dark, but really these men see it as their God-given right to attack any woman who comes their way, alone or not. Though I have to admit, wearing a skirt, a short one, attracts this stuff in hordes; I mean I have gotten harassed when I was covered up but I don't think it was anything of this magnitude. I was thinking, what if it were against the law and these men could actually be fined every time they harass a woman?
So, I finally found a store selling conditioner, and I bought that plus three candles, cause I like to sit in candlelight at night to wind down. The cashier rung it up and it was $6.66. I stared at the numbers and she kind of laughed, like it was funny. I thought it was disgusting. I bought the stuff then threw it in the trash. I'll try to see the humor in it but at the time I was really upset, and I didn't want to let that on. I don't understand WHY this is happening to me.
On another note, I'm slowly getting into Willa Cather. I read on the subway now, that's the best time for me.
I'm experiencing that now. I'm seeing that things aren't as simple as I had thought even 24 hours ago. Some bizarre things have happened to me. Twice today the number 666 sprang up at me, don't laugh: on the treadmill when I put my new CD in, as in, 666 calories per hour due to the numbers I had plugged in; and then when I made a trip to the nearby bodega looking for conditioner as I was out. I looked in 3 different stores and.......every time I go outside, this being a problem most women face, I get sexually harassed. Today I was really mad, and I wanted to really attack these men. Not only that, if these men are in the company of other women, I imagine they're hurting the women emotionally, probably scarring them for life. I am not going to make excuses for bad behavior even if it is part of someone's culture; well, unlearn it. Some people may call me xenophobic or racist or something, and I detest those kinds of attitudes, so I never want to be that. But I won't turn a blind eye from someone doing something wrong, and when I really get angry (it runs in my family on both sides) I feel my heart start beating faster and the blood rush to my face and it's a really bad feeling, as well as holding it back. I think so much of street harassment is power: that these men know they can get away with it: they play on women's anger, defenselessness really; because in these situations I feel their power over me, knowing I can't turn to anyone, not the police, not other people on the street, like I'm backed into a corner. I hear all the time people saying women shouldn't walk around alone after dark, but really these men see it as their God-given right to attack any woman who comes their way, alone or not. Though I have to admit, wearing a skirt, a short one, attracts this stuff in hordes; I mean I have gotten harassed when I was covered up but I don't think it was anything of this magnitude. I was thinking, what if it were against the law and these men could actually be fined every time they harass a woman?
So, I finally found a store selling conditioner, and I bought that plus three candles, cause I like to sit in candlelight at night to wind down. The cashier rung it up and it was $6.66. I stared at the numbers and she kind of laughed, like it was funny. I thought it was disgusting. I bought the stuff then threw it in the trash. I'll try to see the humor in it but at the time I was really upset, and I didn't want to let that on. I don't understand WHY this is happening to me.
On another note, I'm slowly getting into Willa Cather. I read on the subway now, that's the best time for me.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
My friend said
That he would, if he could, go to the airport and ask the clerk, whatever is the next plane leaving, to wherever, put me on it.
Mozart's Zauberflote is playing now.....I found the words and translated them. I used to be obsessed with Mozart, like a pop performer in his day (er war ein Punker und er libte in der grossen Staadt.......)
I've been neglecting German for two years almost and need to get back on it. I ran into my old German teacher downtown the other day.....talk about serendipitous. I want to go back to Paris too.
So he's gone and I miss him and can't stop thinking about him I know it's sad and maybe he's a paychopath (though I'm starting to doubt it) but I'm jealous too because he's in Fiji with the giant tentacled whatever they ares and I'm stuck in hot, tourist trap NYC. But I love summer, and tank tops. I don't love getting harrassed every time I step outside, though. And that's the problem any female faces going outside. I must say, I think it intensifies when I'm wearing a skirt, big time. I get such bad vibes and I feel my heart start pounding and I feel so angry and really want to hit these guys.....but I've learned from experience that only makes it worse; they retaliate, or lie and say I harassed them. Talk about psychopath.......
Yes I was reading about Robert Ramirez and Ted Bundy and what fascinates me is how these kinds of people can so effectively deceive so many people. I freaked out in the dark last night, afraid that their ghosts would come after me. I got up, shrieked and turned on the light, trying not to wake my roommate. But these people blend in with the rest of society. That is what I want to understand.
I'm also reading Willa Cather for the first time, and I find this book My Antonia to be a little bizarre. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'm at the part where the older Bohemian guy kills himself and these people act so wierd, like the guy building his coffin is very upbeat as he goes about it. Then, none of the cemetaries will take his body cause he killed himself. Also, I get impatient with long winding descriptions of nature, like all the plants and animals even though I love animals I just am not obsessed with trees.......
Mozart's Zauberflote is playing now.....I found the words and translated them. I used to be obsessed with Mozart, like a pop performer in his day (er war ein Punker und er libte in der grossen Staadt.......)
I've been neglecting German for two years almost and need to get back on it. I ran into my old German teacher downtown the other day.....talk about serendipitous. I want to go back to Paris too.
So he's gone and I miss him and can't stop thinking about him I know it's sad and maybe he's a paychopath (though I'm starting to doubt it) but I'm jealous too because he's in Fiji with the giant tentacled whatever they ares and I'm stuck in hot, tourist trap NYC. But I love summer, and tank tops. I don't love getting harrassed every time I step outside, though. And that's the problem any female faces going outside. I must say, I think it intensifies when I'm wearing a skirt, big time. I get such bad vibes and I feel my heart start pounding and I feel so angry and really want to hit these guys.....but I've learned from experience that only makes it worse; they retaliate, or lie and say I harassed them. Talk about psychopath.......
Yes I was reading about Robert Ramirez and Ted Bundy and what fascinates me is how these kinds of people can so effectively deceive so many people. I freaked out in the dark last night, afraid that their ghosts would come after me. I got up, shrieked and turned on the light, trying not to wake my roommate. But these people blend in with the rest of society. That is what I want to understand.
I'm also reading Willa Cather for the first time, and I find this book My Antonia to be a little bizarre. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'm at the part where the older Bohemian guy kills himself and these people act so wierd, like the guy building his coffin is very upbeat as he goes about it. Then, none of the cemetaries will take his body cause he killed himself. Also, I get impatient with long winding descriptions of nature, like all the plants and animals even though I love animals I just am not obsessed with trees.......
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