need a place to live girls?

This guy on craig's list has posted that he'll let a female stay with him if they do it twice a week, with him. Well, if I get desperate......sorry G, just really need a place.

a parsifal

I just went and saw this play......really bizarre. The audience was all these European jet setters. Afterward, we were all invited to a party with Sapporo and sushi, and I really hate beer and fish both. G took me and his roommates out a few times for sushi and beer and they all tried and tried to get me to eat fish and I kept saying, I am NOT putting that in my mouth...... So....instead I went and got Thai food and cappuccino. My phone broke when I spilled coffee on it today so I guess that's why I'm in a sour mood right now. Oh! I try and try and can't even turn it on. So now I have to find another. This is just so tiring and....

But anyhow, it was a glamourous night, and it's a good thing I did dress nicely even though I could have gone in jeans, because there were all these fabulous-looking people there. The play was sold out as well. The author was Susan Sontag.

Privacy

This girl in a Thai restaurant today was saying, loud enough for everyone to hear her, how she couldn't stand some other girl who wouldn't tell her her age, for that reason, and how she "can always find out. And she said, find out if you want but I'm not going to tell you." I mean, why is it so important for her to know this girl, someone who is a stranger,'s age? I think it's rude to ask age to a woman, or that's what I was taught. If someone wants to keep something private, a person should respect those wishes. Why does she want to be a voyeur into this person's life? People like that really do scare me......

very worn out

That's all I can say for now. Today was a mixed bag, of success and failure. I don't miss the office, but I had thought life would get simpler since leaving Thomson but....well, there are improvements. But I still have to always make that extra effort even though all I want to do is sleep, and for the past two days I've been struggling with that. During the day, like afternoons, I feel like I'm going to faint, and I can't be in the street, or around anyone. Maybe it's....well, I've always been a night person. Maybe I'm overly sensitive to sun. That must be another reason I'm not a nine to five person and can't ever be. Like on a film set, I can get there at 5am and leave at midnight, no problem, I'm not saying I won't work. But a film set is different from a dull office job that isn't leading anywhere, isn't fulfilling, ect. Plus, standing on crowded subways and buses and being constantly brushed up against, people in my face, stares, not even friendly but just in a way; ok, maybe they're trying to be friendly, I appreciate that, but at certain times I want to be alone cause that's how I am. I work best alone and not interrupted, or that was what I was taught as a writer anyhow. You need that time by yourself; or with acting, you can rehearse and perform with others but you still need to rehearse, or I need to rehearse alone as well to really get into what I'm doing. Whatever others want, I can't tell you. But I know I need that. Still, the other side of that is that you dredge up all kinds of things that can be hurtful, painful. It spills over into life. So I need to escape at the end of the day somehow; that's my drug, since I don't watch TV, smoke or do drugs anymore. ???????

V day

I was going to make cookies for the occasion but my God the day goes by and I didn't. Still, G took me out and got me a little present and I'm so undeserving, I didn't...totally forgot to get anyone anything. I did, however, contribute a bottle of Beaujolais. So we went to what my friends and I nicknamed "the Vagina" Indian restaurant on 1st ave and 6th street, with Xmas lights and literally nowhere to move. I like this place cause it's warm looking, with all the red wallpaper and red lights and their food is amazing. I had come here years ago with an ex who freaked out in this place, but anyhow, it was nice. G wanted to have sushi but we had that last year and it's cold out and I wasn't comforted by the idea of sitting at a hard table with fish, cause I hate fish, you know? It's just not warm-feeling, to me.

back into regular life, and walking in snow

I don't know why but today I've been feeling faint. I want so much to just go home and sleep but I have to be somewhere now and then probably later tonight. It's really endless.....I love being out, but then I want to go to bed. I've been stepping around puddles all day and would have worn my snow boots but someone stole them at the place where I take yoga lessons, seriously.

snowed in

It's very white out here, but beautiful, truly. I would take pictures but I can't find my digital camera and G says his are filled up, so.....


This is very annoying. But I'll describe it. The park across from G's house is Fort Greene Park and it's all white, now, with kids sledding. His roommate was talking about how two years ago there were kids making sleds out of garbage lids and now there are kids with $200 sleds, one of which they found outside someone's apartment. It's called gentrification, right? I said to G, you have a snowboard which isn't cheap either, plus $1000 bikes. But anyhow, this neighborhood is filling up with young, gorgeous and rich people everywhere. I ran out in sweats and a thermal top and by the time I got to G's my hair was covered in snow and I was a dripping mess, far from being one of the upscale residents here. Just going to the usual Yummy Yummy Chinese food place was a major ordeal, but anyhow, here I am, restless, wanting to do something but not even able to take a picture.

bootsnall meetup

last night I was out til nearly 4 AM with the people from this travel web site I met. They're all really cool and it was great, but I was nearly stranded at 3:30 am when snow came pummeling on NYC and cabs were charging $40 to $85 to go to brooklyn, and those are the ones that were on duty. I was standing out there in heels and literally frozen trying to get from the east village back to brooklyn, and by sheer fortune a cab driver agreed to take me, God bless him. I gave him a very big tip and the car barely made it down Myrtle Ave. That was sheer luck, because I live a long walk from any train station and I would have been sitting there for an hour and walking for an hour, in high heels, otherwise.

Nonetheless it was a great night. I drank a little too much and ended up nearly falling asleep on the couch while someone played with my hair. I'm sobered up now. We're supposed to have a champagne and snowball party today. Meanwhile, it's white out there.

Radical Conference

Today we did this grassroots media thing, the NYC Radical Cheerleaders. It was so so great, such intense and good energy. Also with us were the Missle Dick Chicks and the ? Clowns that ticket cars parked in bike lanes. It was so positive, really, and had the feeling of when I was a teenager going to shows or with my friends, on the best days, when we all dressed in ways to, really, make a statement or get attention; some kind of ? I don't know, but it came together really well. Now, though, I'm exhausted. I went afterward to this Thai place in the East Village as I'm now obsessed with Thai food. But anyway, I felt so great at this thing and the crowd was super enthusiastic and there was this real, maybe it sounds corny, but a really close bond between everyone, I think. I love to perform, and "art" and this, truly, is life and living: creating something for people with meaning, that will change the world. Saying something, something daring. This is what I live for.


I sounded like a real bitch in that last post. Honestly, I don't mean it as some kind of ego thing. That wasn't written right. It's not that I am some kind of shallow opportuninist.....if only! It's just that I think I'm just not an easygoing person by nature, I can't .....? I'm just not a peppy person. I am bothered by so much around me. I shouldn't be that way. I can definitely be pissy, withdrawn, ect. Whether or not that's right is up for debate. But I can't really.....lounge around and just soak up life. I'm a naturally critical person.....of everything. Maybe I'm wrong. Should I or can I change? I don't have an answer....yet. But I hope I never become self-centered....I never meant to be that way, though I have been accused of that, by G among others.


Anyhow, yesterday I had a horrid stomach cramp and almost threw up several times, but ultimately didn't. I didn't eat anything until 10 at night. Finally G told me it's emotional, which makes sense. At long last, around 3 AM, it went away. Then my friend R texted me but, alas, I had to go to this media thing, so I stayed in my room, and now I'm going back to my room, to try to read and figure out, what? A schedule.

Finally, I realize I've been posting all these pics of myself and it probably seems like I'm this total narcissist, but in fact, I can't find my digi camera so all the pix I have are my recent headshots. I want to post some pix of gorgeous Clinton Hill where I live but I have to borrow G's camera cause I fucking can't find mine. However, I find these landscape photos to be dull, myself, like calendar pictures. So I'll try to personalize these ones.

That's it for now, ra ra ra!

what I am not

I was sitting in a cafe recently doing some work on the internet, and I overheard this girl's conversation on her cell phone. First, some old guy was hitting on her, and she was telling him about "family problems," but didn't want to go into it. Then, later, on the phone she was talking about how she and her friend were going to move to California and "lay back there. Everything in New York is so hurried." I realize....I suppose cultures are different, like people I met from Australia were nothing like, in attitude, most of the people from NYC.Anyhow, I realize I can't and don't have the same approach to life as certain ones I've met from elsewhere. I can't.....well, I don't know what motivates them so maybe I'm not in a position to make a statement. But when I was twenty two, even then, I didn't want to just go and "lay back" somewhere: I am caught up in a need, I feel something nagging at me, or maybe it's the way I was raised, with strict parents who wouldn't tolerate idleness or failure. Cause that's how they were. I have them in me, I have guilt, I am critical, I can't shut out the world and all its problems and just live in my own little bubble. I can't really just.....I don't see life or the world that way, like it doesn't matter. I'm a critical person, ....? oh what am I saying? I have, imperfect though the whole thing is, goals, desires, a need for a kind of discipline or order, some of that, though God knows everything is far from smooth and orderly most of the time.


I'm not like the people, the women I see around me here, either. So many women in New York have this edginess, hardness to them, like cynicism. I noticed there are people here, on the trains, who make eye contact and people who don't, deliberately. I come from a place where people are more reserved and formal, less likely to talk to strangers or make friends with you up front. A generalization, but that's how they are. Most of the people here to are friendly or make eye contact are not from here, but either way, it really bothers me. There's a real reason why someone will or won't talk to you, and.....it's for reasons like how you look or they're making a statement that they don't want to be you

Gone with the Wind

I'm obsessed with this film. Did I say that before? The book, too.

Temptress

temptress

According to the tabloids, that's what I am. One of legion. A serpent. A cliche. The Homewrecker. Adulteress. Stone her!!!

dreams

I had a dream the other night, as my period started, that I was in this suburban neighborhood, walking around the houses there, with lawns in front. It was sort of a middle, lower middle class area. There was a big outdoor pool, and a woman was jogging near me, in red sneakers, a blond woman. SOmeone, I don't know from where, was saying the pool is haunted by a little girl, also blond. I woke up from that panicking.

pms

Today has been really rough with cramps. Earlier I was lying in bed crying. My cash supply is scarily low and today there were a bunch of botched meetings and other things. I know it'll get better, it always does.

I was re-reading the Second Sex which is a fascinating book, but at times convoluted. I think so much that is in there still holds true today. What is really scary is the backlash against women's rights, human rights that is happening here. It makes me really panic, like, I have to get the hell out! Yet a year later, here I am. I don't know, but It is just not happening. I know it eventually will, but this is so painful. I hate waiting. In the section titled,"The Woman in Love" de Beauvoir writes, "The woman in love is one who waits." I can relate to that.

A year and a half ago I wanted to travel and I did, and still will, but it's not enough. Whatever will be? That's just it. I don't think I want to work and save then take three or four months to travel, only to come back and start all over again. I did that already and I had fun for a while, and I am not sorry I went, but I was repeatedly hit badly coming back. I went through absolute hell and I don't think it'll ...... But I survived, barely. Still, moving beyond that, the future is uncertain and I need certainty, stability. But when have I ever had that? There has to be a solution somewhere, which I'll find, but how? WIth these evil conservatives running everything, my only hope in life will be to marry someone rich. It's not like European countries where the government takes care of it's people. We have no social wage, and as much as I wish it'd happen, I don't think it will. All things considered, it's like I'll have to marry whether I want to or not. A Mrs. That's depressing, too. I don't want to be that.

stressed about $

I decided to pay more rent in advance but as a result I'm broke now. I can survive, but the supply is dwindling. I need to work, big time. I tried to make myself presentable cause I hate walking around raggy looking, but now I look like a streetwalker in this grey fluffy coat and heeled boots. I know it'll all work out in the end, but it's annoying.

Anyway, I should stop whining. Really, I'm OK, but still feel like I'm waiting for something great, something amazing. Like it's almost there, but not yet.

But, OK, something weird did happen last night when I was walking home. I got my ipod hooked up and it took about six hours but it was finally working. It was about 1AM and I was walking home from G's. This song came on, like a voice, woman's voice, a trance song, and I was alone on a dark street walking toward a church. The voice was saying "follow me." Maybe it sounds hokey, but it was as I was alone walking toward this giant Masonic temple and church in my neighborhood, and I don't get spooked that easily, but that did.