another recurring dream

I get this a lot....that I'm running but can't run fast enough.....and end up in kind of slow motion. This time it was my friend and I except she got caught and put in a cage. Then I was in a wheel cart for crippled people even though I'm not crippled. I was running through the park, running from something, trying to pass myself off as a jogger even though I am wearing a white skirt, and a woman sees me....I'm trying to look "normal" to her, but can't run fast enough.

xmas

At last is over and I got some nice gifts. I was lucky I got lots of presents..... I got some nice shirts and, sure enough, mother got me white long johns and a Gap shirt. The holiday managed to go by without any family arguments, too.


My uncle Pat came to visit from Michigan and then we went to my mother's husband (Sonny)'s sister's place in New Jersey. Overall it was a good atmosphere and I got some chocolate, which I was craving, but then it disappeared, typically. In my mother's apartment that happens, because my driver's license is gone, too. I had to spend $50 yesterday getting a replacement. Ironic, I never drive. Anyway, so we returned to Manhattan, and went back to Newark the next day to drop Pat off at the airport. I spent yesterday sitting in the back seat of a car while Mother and Sonny gave my sister a driving lesson that wouldn't end. We were in this .......how do I describe this town? It was like out of horror movie. First of all, I hadn't eaten, and all we could find was a gas station with a guy selling stale bagels, no cream cheese, and the healthiest thing he had was some kind of fruit bar. This place had to be a cover for something because the food was about two years old. So we're driving around this town and it......consisted of these shingle houses with ......giant christmas decorations in front...mostly blow up Santas and snowmen. It was like a contest to see who had the biggest snowman on their lawn. Some of them were deflated. This one house had a blow up doll of ....about sixteen feet tall, or more.....Santa coming out of the chimney, like rising out of it then going back down, over and over again. Others had giant blow up snowmen in front of their houses, with these scary smiles. Others.....you always see this in these small towns....had plastic swans on their lawns, or reindeer. So Sam practiced driving forwhat seemed like an eternity with Mother and Sonny barking at her, til finally it was time to go back. Then we sat in traffic for three hours waiting to get in the Lincoln Tunnel. I said we might as well get out and walk to Manhattan and we'll get there faster. But anyway, it was eventful, yes. Our tree was beautiful with a million presents and I love the look of xmas, with the trees, lights and snow is nice, too. We also went to Midnight Mass at Trinity Church, and Episcopal services are grueling, with endless standing, sitting, standing, kneeling. But it was truly gorgeous, with incense and a choir......and communion.
I can't wait to settle into a new place and celebrate my new freedom!

biking through nyc during a transit strike

I have mixed (I'm trying different colors) about this strike. During the summer I biked everywhere and walked everywhere, so this kind of stuff won't completely throw me off. But today was rough. I was pissed, for a while. I rode all the way into manhattan from Brooklyn, then uptown, all the way to 86th st, turned around, rode alone on the west side highway by the river and it's very, very lonely there. Then on down the 28th street, and I thought I'd NEVER get there because I was shot by the time I got to this Indian restaurant I go to there (Curry in a Hurry), treated myself to dinner which I could hardly eat, had coffee, then rode to Williamsburg. These people who INSISTED I see them tonight and said I could stay there tonight (I had money to give them as well) changed their tune when I got there and said they were waiting for their roommate to talk to me who apparently had to approve of me. By then I got so pissed cause I had SAID earlier, on the phone, why don't I see you guys tomorrow because it's late.......and instead I wasted my time coming here. It was about almost 1AM by then. Well, uh, sorry.....was his response. I left there and rode uphill to Fort Greene in what seemed like an eternal ride. I try and try these places in Williamsburg and, look it's not a personal judgment call, but I just keep having bad experiences with people in that neighborhood. I guess it's cool and I'm not which just annoys me more, but hey, I tried and tried but I've just encountered one flake after another. And I'm pissed, yeah. Eventually I kind of forgave these people but, for God's sake, did it not occur to them that I had to ride a bike everywhere and this was a strain on me? And I SAID why don't I see you tomorrow. They could have been straight with me....if they had something against me or whatever. If what they told me was a lie or not.....is it me or what? I guess not.....this girl apparently waited and waited for me so it's a misunderstanding.......but this is just treacherous. The one good thing is I made some money. At least I got that. And I saved some, like $120 I would have spent there. A guy .....I think he was trying to pick me up while I was walking my bike over the bburg bridge.....then I told him I was staying with "my boyfriend" and well, goodbye charlie......but he was nice enough to guide me to these people's house. So.....I had been longing the whole time to be at G's with my computer, wine and kitties, and I finally got my wish at 2 AM. G also drank all my Chianti but I have his roommate's wine, which I'm enjoying now.

As for the strike, I believe they deserve decent wages and maybe they have a right to strike, I don't know. But I was also thinking, I am not the one who is doing this to them, so why should I suffer, you know? It's very very hard work biking through the city and VERY dangerous. I don't think people realize. But I almost got hit by about 100 cabs, SUVs and garbage trucks. I feel lucky to have survived. And G told me everyone he knows, almost, who rides in the city has been in an accident. So I'm in my helmet and glasses and G's North Face jacket looking very unsexy, but....ta da! I get hit on anyway.....

childhood, (it's not boring)!

I read an interview with someone about how she would listen to lawnmowers in this small town in Minnesota where she lived and long to get out of there, to the point where it was painful, it made "her heart ache." I had something similar, in Evanston, looking out at the lake, gorgeous though it was, past the cemetary and highway that led into Chicago......maybe it's all the bands I listened to who were British, but just looking at that vast body of water which stood between me and these other places like New York, LA, London, places that were in the news every day, it was painful. At the time, there just didn't seem to be much where we were. I couldn't live there. All I thought about was other places, and people who lived there. What was around me? Chicago is......nice, but it's big and flat and bland, or it seemed to be. But it could have been worse. My mother would take me up to Michigan all the time to visit her family. I mean, we would spend hours, days, with no company except each other and.....trees. And occasional billboards, hideous. The majority of people in these towns are overweight by the time they're 30, and my mother would constantly remark about "all the fat people." My family lived in Battle Creek which they called Battle Hick. As a kid I would repeat this, not knowing what it meant, and they told me never to say that in public....but I didn't understand why, but that it must be bad.

a few modifications

I have a couple prospects: one in williamsburg, one in the east village, with a gay hairdresser. I was at the point where I'd have to stay in a slum pit, if I were to stay anywhere.

At some point I have to go to mother's and find my driver's license which she lost. I love mother, really.

strike and ids

Right now I'm in the process of trying to get a new passport and let me tell you, this is a fucking hassle. I have to either get a birth certificate from Ohio or find a post office in brooklyn, there's a transit strike which is making everything difficult. I'm lucky I have a mountain bike but riding around NYC is exhausting but why should I complain? I guess it's healthier. Except today I have to be EVERYWHERE and that means biking everywhere. This is so fucking complicated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On top of all this, I am looking for a new place and it's one problem after another. All this falls on my shoulders at once. I can't deal with it, but I have to.

another dream

This I can't completely put together or recall, but some things:

I'm in a hotel, a fairly nice one. It's room 415? Can't remember exactly. I see a picture of the door with the number on it. My mother's there, for a while, and I'm in and out of this room.

Then I'm getting milk for coffee but the milk is sour.

Freudian analysts would but sexual meanings to this. There was more but I can't totally remember.

I woke up this morning, though, and the milk was good.

I was reading about existentialism last night which is .....it could be a life long study. I don't know. But that's what eventually led de Beauvoir to write the Second Sex. Years of research and reading. But I wonder why it took so much to recognize the obvious: that women are second class and that leads to what? Mediocrity? That doesn't mean women have been nothing, or that there haven't been great female personalities in history. It's very contradictory.

I woke up again with a sore throat....and had to take throat spray, salt water and painkillers. My whole body was achy and if I am exposed to the smallest draft I get sick.

http://www.stargods.org/Born_Evil.html


http://www.stargods.org/EvilPeople.htm

This writer needs a copy editor, because it's full of spelling errors. So....someone has to do this job, right? It just won't be me, that's for sure.

The above is an interesting article....maybe this author is a little cracked in other ways, but he has a point with this one. I think I've met people who are just bad, in my life, and, studying astrology, I really think that two people in the exact same circumstances will react to them completely differently. You can say, someone had a bad childhood or something like that and that's why they're doing horrible things, to others, but there are others who had the same circumstances and are not that way. I'm serious. So some people aren't going to be educated out of their ways, nor are they going to change. And they won't stop doing what they do. Think about it......

so


dream factors:


hotel rooms
tsunamis
escape
beaches
4 something room number
picture of door
mirrors?


I am ambivalent about psychotherapy. I think women need leisure, privacy, education, and ......some kind of a good community, one that is......? Well, the right kind.

sleep

after not sleeping enough for the past couple nights plus wearing myself pretty thin I fell asleep around 7 PM and woke up at 2:30 AM. I wanted to see felix da housecat but ended up staying in as I just felt decrepit. I woke with a horrid sore throat and swallowing was excruciating. I'm still reading the Second Sex and I'm wondering if it's that book, plus how I'm living, that's affecting me so physiologically. It's disturbing, but true, the stuff everyone knows but no one admits.

So I dreamt of kind of a tsunami. I was on the beach, maybe the hamptons? And a guy was with me, though we were both dressed and I wasn't really attracted to him. Kind of like a surfer type. Suddenly, I think he called me or something, but I turned around and a huge wave had come up and half the beach was flooded. I freaked and was screaming, we have to get out of here! I managed to pull myself up a cliff of sand, and I think I helped the guy up. But in front of us, the other direction, was another lake.

I'm constantly dreaming about beaches and water. I don't understand why cause I'm not near it that often.

decorating the tree

My mother, sister and mother's husband and I all went out last night and got an xmas tree. Then we pulled out the decorations and tinsel (one at a time, I did) and next thing, beauty in the house! Already I have presents, although I told my mother I'd rather pick out what I want and have her buy it.

I love christmas and presents, the whole element of surprise, but in the end it turns into a bunch of junk. I honestly don't know what I've done with any of my presents and Mother always gets me clothes that are completely not my style, like big boxy Gap stuff.

I hopefully will be working tomorrow cause my cash is scarily low. I'm getting annoyed and edgy about it. Today was super cold and I was running around town for hours in it, then got back to Garrett's and fell asleep, before he decided he wanted to go to this new restaurant, and was pushing his roommate and I to go there like his life depended on eating there tonight. But....it was nice, a sort of Thai place and the food and drinks were pretty cool: I had ginger and lemon juice, squash soup with sour cream (awesome) and curry tofu (mediocre). Then a bunch of Entemanns chocolate chip.........I do have a sugar tooth, and finally instant coffee (I prefer that to the cheap deli coffee).


All this helped take my mind off the stress and ........ difficulties of today. Talked, also, to my ex, who's now an entrepreneur. I guess there's a job for everyone.

ok it's true

maybe it's my period or past illness ( I think I had toxic shock syndrome) or something......


but I was pissy as hydrochloric acid the past couple days. I'm a little better


I am wondering if I should delete my last post, in case anyone read it. Maybe I was acting like my family, speaking of whom, I was with Mother last night and it took a whole day to recover. But I'm ok, sort of.


So what else is going on? I'm preparing to get a new passport, ID, just picked up my coat and sweater from the cleaners, picked up laundry, hauled all that fucking shit up two flights of stairs twice, cleaned up after the cats, went grocery and cat shopping with Garrett, bought some chianti and jelly, left The Second Sex at the gym, bought some jeans and a sweater, am seriously thinking of starting a screenplay, just got Backstage, am reading a bio of Margeret Mitchell, authoress of Gone with the Wind, and am going to ask my family to just buy two things for xmas: a plane ticket to London and headshots. Everything else I can get myself! Actually those I can get myself as well......

Reading list:

Virginia Woolf's the Waves
Bridget Jones' Diary
Pride and Prejudice (for the second time)
????

maybe Willa Cather, don't know

somewhat better

I'm recovering but still queasy. I'm really getting fed up with people's well meaning but ........I just don't want anyone to analyze me or tell me what I'm doing wrong, or at least I'm really pissed at people talking down to me, or treating me like some sad little flower who needs pity and adult supervision (hello, I am an adult, making rational decisions) or "lecturing" me. I mean, no fucking kidding, my personal problems are obviously palpable and serious, and it's not like I'm not aware of them. I'm well aware of the gravity or the situation.......like, oh, actually I just thought I'd try living this way cause I thought it'd be fun. Is it a crime if I don't want to go back to another degrading, stressful, underpaid work situation? Yes, I have to work, I'm well aware of that. It's not my fault that the choices suck, or are less than glamorous. I believe that, as myself, I have a little more insight into my own psyche than anyone else and I'm aware of what advice is good for me and what is just someone playing God with me, actually, or really, so much of the time people's altruism and desire to save another person, if we want to put psychology into this, is a desire for power on their part. In part. I really have.......people aren't generic, they can't be molded like clay, and I don't believe we're all born alike or can be all made alike. I believe there are components in people you can't change, and be weary of judging others because you don't know anything about them, you don't know what motivates them. And that's true. Too many women, really, are always very judgmental of me and other females and have little forgiveness of faults or.......I'm just very angry about this, right now. I see it happen over and over again. I thought it would help me to be open and honest but it's backfired on me, big time. I have to keep living a lie and telling people what they want to hear rather than the truth, you know? But the truth is not.......so I go on pretending. Maybe, some day, somewhere out there, someone will read this and relate or something, I don't know.

god shut up laura

some of the stuff I write.....looking back....


I've been really sick with a stomach flu and was bedridden most of last night, for about 15 hours. This really blows, I can't wait for it to end. I've barely eaten: just bread and jelly. I'm a little better. I think maybe I get severe pms; often I get nausea before but not this bad. Could be the stress of everything, who knows?

I just watched another French film, Romance. Not very cheerful.

obsession

I'm watching a bunch of french films. Just watched Intimate Strangers, a bizarre one. Now, Romance.

I have obsessions. With people, books. I'm obsessed with Gone with the Wind. What else? Well, I always got obseesed with guys. Eventually I got over it, but I'm extreme that way. I don't stalk them, no, but I obsess over them, think about them all the time. I had a shrink who analyzed this but it can't be rationalized; it is what it is. I want something, you want something, and that's it. But they say, watch out for what you wish for, too. Hmm.......what do you do in these situations?

fort greene is beautiful at christmas

This time of year especially. It's lit up with christmas decorations and so on, plus the park feels like the country. So I'm spending a night here and enjoying what's closest to nature in NYC. It would be nice if I could be in the country with horses and able to let my cats out and fresh apples......some day. When this current crisis has ended, and it's not ending fast enough. I take two steps forward then a step back. I haven't worked in four days now and I made decent money at my last gig, but I want to KEEP it. I've been staying at the Y in Greenpoint but this neighborhood really is so elegant. I remember last year coming back from Egypt and I was SO homesick, as much as I love traveling, I really was burnt by the end, and SO happy to see my neighborhood again. But then soon enough I wanted to leave again. I still will, eventually. But it's been an uphill battle and hard work. I study astrology and am learning some periods are good and some aren't, and the planets influence so much.....well, that's business. But to really succeed means being on top of it 24/7 and looking in all directions at once like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. My driving instructor said that to me, about driving, but it's true for what I'm doing as well. That means being always ready, cause time is money.

But right now I'm lazing off. I haven't sent out headshots and am fucking around, watching movies. I watched Choses Secretes again. This film is AMAZING!!!! Now I'll watch a Venezualen film.

other women

ok, let me modify this.......cause I don't hate other women. but they get on my nerves sometimes, some of them. Some women are great, of course, I don't want to lump them all together. Some women friends are great. I just don't LOVE them in general, and I guess this is my conflict when I was at bluestockings today. Occasionally I am attracted to a female, but I don't identify as lesbian. I'm just not. I am obsessive about men. I always have been. I turn men, absent men, into God. They are. That won't change.


I'm trying really hard to know more about them, because I know so little. I see so many women on the street every day and every where but I know nothing about them, and it's such a lonely feeling. The problem is, it's hard getting close to them, and so much of the time I'm turned off before I get to know them. I guess maybe it's the way I was raised, as an only child with a working mom, who read and let myself in the house: I just wasn't raised to be a little well behaved girl. I was taught manners, far more than most of the people I encounter here, and there were women all around me, but it was never a comfortable or nurturing atmosphere. It was like if we weren't "feminine" enough we were being made to feel punished for not being that way or having to defend ourselves or something. And out in public there's no privacy and I had a fair amount of that, like coming home to an empty apartment. I miss that sometimes. Plus, my mother was certainly not easygoing. I just never had a good relationship with other women and I've almost never had even a friendship with another female that wasn't turned into a desperate war on her part for some kind of power, superiority. I'm just being realistic, here. In a way, men's company was a relief because they were at least up front about everything. With women, if they acknowledged me at all, I never knew if I could believe them because I'd later catch them talking nastily about me behind my back. So now, when women approach me, like at the gym, and jump in my face and smile, when I'm stretching, or whatever, or "admiring" me, I just feel uncomfortable and annoyed, then I'm made to feel bad that I'm not nicer. But after a lifetime of other women not returning glances or smiles or them acting like I'm not in the room, then saying nasty things about me or plotting bad things against me when I'm out of the room, to expect me to just have my door wide open for every stranger is a little strange. I'm not exaggerating when I say these things. Sometimes I just hate other women, and I know that is wrong and I'm not supposed to feel that way. I have to struggle against these feelings. I know, I've read, that they're doing what they have to to survive in a sexist world and ultimately men are the enemy, but the problem is, if I'm supposed to feel solidarity I just don't know if that's possible at this point. I feel like all women are out to get me. i know, I'm paranoid. blah blah......

greenpoint

I love this neighborhood! It's really homey and there's lots of European chocolate, which I miss. This is a little Polish neighborhood with all these little Polish diners and 99 cent stores. The chocolate you get in NYC sucks big time: it's cheap and makes me sick, but this is the good stuff. When I was traveling through Germany and Switzerland I got hooked on theirs, and the Swiss airlines load you up with Swiss chocolates and really good cream and coffee. If I move anywhere I hope it'll be to this neighborhood, though I still love fort greene.

I slept for about sixteen hours after hardly sleeping at all for three days. I missed some work opportunities but at one point I just couldn't keep my head up. Garrett is sick with some kind of poison ivy and it's awful being with someone who is suffering but won't accept any help. So what can I do?