Yay President Obama!

I've actually been crying I've been so moved. Are all our problems solved? No. However, it's a start. On the radio show Joy of Resistance, Fran announced it would be their last under the current Bush Administration, and played that song "Hit the Road Jack." I can't get that out of my head. Jack or Jane or Palin, anyone who opposes women's and abortion/civil/animal rights bye bye....

considering also what I personally went through for the past eight years (who felt the boom, the economic boom?) and the personal is political......and my planets are better.....

in the streets in my neighborhood people are cheering, smiling, at me, at each other, there is a real peace and happiness in the air....like this terrible dark cloud has been lifted.

You know, I don't hold personal grudges against people on different political spectra from me. There are those I love and care for whom I disagree with on issues....

Yes it's a start. Times are tough, though to me nothing compared with 3 years ago, 2005. That was a horrid year. Somehow I got through it, we did. On to the future! To making the right choices! To marrying the right person! Now I'm going out to get blasted, and feed the cats....

W

while we're on the subject, I want to say I saw the film "W" by Oliver Stone and it is really fabulous, in my opinion. It's fascinating to me and very well acted. Worth seeing. I want to see it again.

for barack obama

The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Temperance: Calm and restraint. Self-control, patience and tact in handling situations. The act of applying balanced spiritual and psychic forces to physical life.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Six of Swords (Science): Trusting in intelligence and intuition and setting off into the unknown. Leaving an untenable situation and charting a new course. Passage from difficulty and progress towards a solution. The road to recovery. Travel and exploration.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.

tarot card predictions

For John Mccain: The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Rider Waite Tarot is the most widely recognized Tarot deck, and the first deck published in the 20th century. It was created by members of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and is especially suited to questions of a mystical nature. If you would like your own copy of the Rider Waite Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Three of Pentacles (Works), when reversed: Delays in the commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. Holding back or failing to use one's abilities to their full potential. Shoddy workmanship and lack of attention to detail. Being hamstrung by convention, or failing to temper artistic fancy with an understanding of reality.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Two of Cups (Love), when reversed: Instability in romance, friendship, or business. A deep infatuation that excludes existing friends. A false promise or premature commitment. The entanglement of male and female interpreted in the broadest sense. The profaning of the sacred through the introduction of base desire. Folly, depletion, and waste. May suggest conflict, divorce, or a severing of ties.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Wheel of Fortune, when reversed: An unexpected turn of bad luck. A broken sequence of events. Outside influences for the worse. An inescapable descent due to Fate or Karma. Great changes taking place as a result of earlier actions that cannot be taken back. Misfortune, failure and reluctance to use free will.

different kinds of women's lib?

Being pressed for time, I will summarize this. I read something in the Wall Street Journal, a more or less conservative paper which nonetheless is my favorite, now. Anyway, this woman wrote an editorial, letter to the editor, saying something to the effect of, I chose to stay at home and care for my children and why should my taxes go to pay for yours (as in public day care). This really....I'll stay calm here. All I can say is, to this woman, just because you personally chose to stay home why should all the rest of us be deprived of our basic needs? I've had to care for pets with virtually no help, unable to take care of a child, which is why I didn't have any, partly due to there being no or virtually no practical system around me that would help me care for one. I grew up with baby sitters and day care and I'm great, you know? Also, most of us have to make income, somehow. We can't stay home even if we want to. Not all the time. With half the population or whatever the percentage is out in the work force, it makes sense that it's not practical to expect women to stay home full time with children or that there will be anyone there to do that. Where will all these children we're being forced to have go, and who will take care of them? I read somewhere that the US is the only industrialized country in the world without a national day care system. Think about that. With that knowledge, why aren't people storming through the streets demanding it? Why aren't people outraged? Instead, it's taken this strange reverse route. The outrage is turned the other way, at these feminazis who are......pushing women into careers and stripping them of their natural caring tendencies, which is leading to children growing up neglected, abused, delinquent....the fear is projected somewhere else.
Well, let's see, there seems to be something wrong with this picture....I can't be the only one who thinks so. The argument of the other side, as inaccurate and generalized, to be polite, as it is, has been effective. That working women would not support something like national day care and make it a number one priority is absurd to me, but this is the environment I grew up in. Not my mother, but these other women around me.

I feel a little dejected that there haven't been any radical cheerleading events happening around this crucial election.....strange, but it's my fault too. I suppose we've all been busy with other things. Not a good excuse. Because I am nervous tonight. I keep saying, brace yourself for the worst. That way you're prepared.

try to forget

tell myself, forget it, forget him. But the car in front of the door has his initials on it.....everywhere you see the numbers, his name. Why? Why? I ask a car. I ask the numbers in front of me. I ask the image of him. What do you want?

No answer, never.

Forget it and get on with your life. But how can I when it doesn't belong to me?

Always his name, his picture, never him. Never any answers.

another awesome link

Sarah Palin, Open Letter

oh......

I have to do something. These people (McCain, Palin) simply cannot win:

Joy of Resistance

I'm disgusted.

third person?

every year of my life
I end up back here
it's the same story every time
I fall for someone who is with someone
then disappears with her
or him
I somehow drive them away
or it's the other way around, I
also run away from them
why is that?

wish I was there, or do I?

you have no clue or do you?
I was your slave
I came that close
couldn't be left this way


leave it behind I tried, I
could if I tried


sometimes I think I'd do anything
over and over been pricked
my blood is sweet, sticky
sharp, then dull
it never leaves

bad me I
gave way to the urge
I could feel it all over me
wild lust
down to this
always down to this

I'd do anything
sometimes I think that
you have no clue
or do you

I'm running, flying sometimes
I'd do anything
throw off my clothes
jump into the river
sometimes I think that

sometimes I'd do anything
I have to forget
I have to forget

have to forget
if only I could
I have to not see it, somehow
yes, I would jump in the river
sometimes
I fell, I'm looking up
what can you hold onto?
what are you attached to?

hot pink burlesque

I got invited at the last minute to dance at this event on the lower east side. All good, great, fab, a lot of work, I'm sore as hell now.....but awesome! Below some pix....

more lyrics

Falling Apart Laura Saiter



i VII III

it's all me
it always comes down to me

I want this
I don't want this
I'm not in bliss
not in bliss

I look forward
travel far
don't go far
turn around
there you are
everything's dark




the street is dark
so am I
there must be another time
It's always me
I'm somehow to blame



I wanted this
I don't want this
this isn't bliss
I did this
isn't bliss

the street is dark
everyone's out
you're not out
what else is new

I'm falling apart
It's dark out
you're not out

been a while again

I've just been working so much and running around I have hardly a minute anymore. I have so much to say, but here's some of it......lyrics in progress:

I'm being twisted look in the mirror look away it comes back
it must be they're trying to drive me crazy could he really make me this way you made me this way when will it end when will I know what really happened there's no one to trust I'm dreaming in water in woods it's dark there must be an end there must be he must be there has to be












As for the above pix: I have this obsession with 11th street. I think it's haunted. Well, that doesn't take a whole lot of thought. It used to be a junkie hooker pick up spot. So I was told. The past, spirit of the past is there. Most don't notice. But I saw written on a cemented door: "Does Anyone Care?" But about who, or what?

what should I do?

I am afraid, this time. But more than that, angry. The person I wrote about, who lives in the room adjacent to mine, by the fire escape, in the apartment next door, just threatened my life basically. I never know if I go to feed the cats, in which I have to pass through the ....well I won't get into it, or coming home at night, or hell he could just crawl through the window. There is something dead in my room like a mouse or something....at least I think that's what it is....behind the walls or by the vent, somewhere, but not anywhere where I can find it and remove it. THe smell is horrible. I had to sleep in the abandoned room across the hall, where that girl was (she moved out). So congratulations, me, another shit living situation. According to ....well, the better time to move is October. This month.....I haven't been anyone's dream. I know that. God knows I fucking try. But I failed yet again. Anyhow, this guy....when I passed him in the hallway, said "Don't go putting any fucking notes under my door, you hear? You don't know who I am." It's true, I don't know who he is, although I am sure he really is violent, deranged and dangerous. The kind of person who would hurt someone innocent and enjoy it, be proud of it. Of course, he is popular, too. A classic sociopath. I have to try not to be hateful you know? Problem is, it just drags you down to the same level. Still, I may be forced to go to the cops, which is horribly stressful, and I've been forced to tell the landlord as well. I really am afraid I'll end up in the papers as another stalking or murder victim. If that happens, I want to make it clear who the perpetrator really is lest they get the wrong guy.

disregard the last entry

I guess I was in one of those moods. I'm having problems, major ones, with the same person I wrote about before. He smoked a cigarette and joint, and I don't care if they do, it's friday night/sat morning.....if it's out the window or on the fire escape even. I've done that. But it was in his room, and it all drifted from his to mine through a very thin wall and I was asphyxiated by it, plus getting a migraine. This is all after I'd suffered a major anxiety attack. A terrible one. I was doing my breathing and stretching when he did this. This is why I was so mad. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. And stuff like this just...I don't want to become a hateful person. Or bitter. But this kind of thing...this general meanness and lack of caring for others, from people like him, make me lose sympathy.
On a better note, I made some money at work. After busting my ass and going through hell and back. I saw a black cat cross the road. That's good or bad luck depending where you are. I see it as an omen, or some kind of angel....if it goes away from you it's seen as bad and toward you it's good. It ran into someone's front yard. I went there, sat on the sidewalk, and waited for it, and he came out. He looked at me, he was wild, with his big sea green eyes, kind face. Then the owner of the building came out, and the cat took off.
There were these very scary people, junkies, in the store I was coming from. I was afraid they'd follow me. There must be a solution, to all this.

when i was fifteen

I ran off with some friends once, rather than go to that house in the hamptons. I spent the weekend crashing on people's couches. I was nervous, sure, I took acid, I had no clue where I was headed, but I was -- I had a life. For once, my only companionship wasn't the trees, the cats, and books. A good and bad side to that. Sometimes I need humans. But I was integrated into the world, and of course as a pretty young girl I had any number of guys trying to fuck me. One of them almost....made a play at trying to rape me. He pointed an ice pick at me and told me to get in the shower....then said, just kidding. I got out of there, somehow.

keep wanting to take a trip but

but I've been so caught up in my "career" and working day and night on my dance technique. I'm getting pretty good and I've been hurting so much, so tired....it's so much work you just couldn't imagine. I'm exhausted. but in a good way.
My ipod broke, along with my cell phone, computer, Garrett's computer...on and on....it must be mercury retrograde or something. But listening to one of those classic rock stations, I thought back to high school, when I was obsessed with Jimmy Page and Led Zep, and summer is the time for listening to them, being outside, being on the road, going somewhere. Somewhere warm. And high on something. What's life if you're not experiencing that?

had another weird dream--another constant theme....I was sitting on the beach by a small river, with big rock mountains, and a tsunami was coming at me and my friend, but I said, this river isn't big enough. Still, a big wave came at us.

been forever

since I've written in here. Quite a lot has been happening. I had a freaky dream this afternoon. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home and rested for the first time in ages. I dreamt of that girl Tanya across the hall--her room. There's a staircase going up to the other guy's room, and that (we're on the top floor) was extended to another floor, identical to this. It passed through a hole in the ceiling to this other person's room. It was all wood, though the stairs are iron. I said, I've dreamt of this before--and I have--about my mother's place in Long Island.
Then I woke up and realized I'd been dreaming.

crazy girl across the hall

Maybe when there's time I'll go into it more. She moved in about a couple months ago, not sure. After two weeks I was ready to move out, because of her. I thought if I kept avoiding and ignoring her, she'd get the hint and go away. Instead, she tries harder to get my attention. She picks fights about mundane things, like, believe it or not, toilet paper. It is hard to even write this it's so absurd. I kept my mouth shut and restrained myself unbelievably which is not like me. She picked another fight about me moving her rug when I had to take a shower, never mind that it's incredibly rude (not to mention impractical) to put a white rug in a bathroom shared by four people. A woman I know once made a remark about how white rugs are not friendly, people-friendly. They're offensive, they're there to drive people away. I hung it on the shower but ....it's not even worth writing about it. I hate this situation and can't stand to be there. I am being harassed. Then the other one in the room next to me started with me about keeping cleaning fluid on the bathroom floor. If she were a neat person it'd maybe be justified....but this is someone who left a broken mirror and bags full of trash and rotten food in the kitchen for weeks at a time. It was unbearable with just the one but now it's them. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. Call me a bitch, but I don't think it's me. Or maybe it is. But regardless, I am finding a subletter and moving til the place downstairs, which was supposed to be ready four months ago, is finished.
Honestly, the one across the hall is trying to bully me. The story of my life--having to fight people like this. I lived alone and thought that'd be a solution but it wasn't really. But from now on I think that's what I need. I didn't choose roommates, I thought I had to. These people are off the street useless individuals, just my opinion. Maybe I'm arrogant. Not flawless, but this isn't about that. I can't stand this, maybe I really need to live alone. I have to find something. This is unbearable.

The city is too crowded and today I had to deal three times with someone invading my personal space and I did get very, very mad. I'm not someone who should ever be provoked. I don't understand people who do. One of these days these people are going to piss off the wrong individual and.....

it's taking all my will power to deal with this in a mature way and not become a spiteful person because I don't want to be that. People (all men, by the way) have told me I have to fight hard and ruthlessly to keep from being walked over. Unfortunately that is true sometimes. I have been forced to fight back innumerable times. Sometimes it's men who try to push me around or cheat me-- but often, most often it's women. Maybe it's power, intimidation, I don't know. But I don't want to live this way. It's ugly and negative. Still, and I'm a woman, the more daily meanness I encounter the more I feel like, why am I trying so hard to save the world, save people, when this is how I'm treated? Someone in the street harassment project wrote an email on a similar subject, how we're taught to think, this person has been eaten away by racism/sexism--whatever it is-- and it's made them ruthless or bitter...... but how many excuses can you make? Meanness and selfishness cut across all barriers. So does irresponsibility. Why care about those who don't care about me, who would be happy to see me hurt and humiliated? But like I said, the problem with being nasty is, you come to their level. I go everywhere, and away, to get away from this, but like that girl across the hall and the people who sat right next to me in a restaurant full of empty tables, there's always another around the corner. I try to get away but I can't, it seems. I have to, though. I have to get away from this. My emotional survival depends on it.

Dream today, passed out

Trying to remember it.....but I was reading a bio or watching something on Vivien Leigh and it was talking about her "summer in Middlemarch" and how she was troubled at first but soon became the toast of the town. I only know of Middlemarch as a novel by George Sand (which I haven't read) but nothing else--but here it was a summer resort town in England--you know the kind--boring and remote, with not enough people, not enough to do--but for those who can afford it expensive resort clothes and cars. I'm used to New York where it's non-stop chaos. Which is what I was coming from before I fell asleep. But anyhow--I was on the beach in "Middlemarch" and the water was partitioned off, kind of--I think it was the ocean--but very calm, then suddenly bursts of waves. Rushing in at me. And gorgeous little buildings. I was saying, I love England....where before I had expected to find the countryside there pretty but dull....and before I dreamt this I was in a museum of Canada--something like that--but with beautiful wooden furniture and other things like that, and I was going to call my mother and ask her if she wanted to come to this museum. Oh, and also, I had been in some kind of vegetarian restaurant that had been closing but there was a cute guy there and this was part of the museum and well, it's kind of complicated. But I did get some good vegetarian food. So back to being in this English town--I was running around some kind of pond, with trees and vegetation around it--and my cat Okie was there, except he froze up, turned around, and when I saw his face it was contorted, and I was walking into the water-- And in this place I was on vacation with my mother, SOnny(mother's husband) and Sam (my sister) --I went back to meet them-- and then we were walking toward the car or something--but then we encountered a pond of water that we had to walk through--I think I was wearing shower shoes--so we walked into and we were up to our hips in this cold water and we were walking toward what was supposed to be a car--and I was saying, we have to drive through this? We made it to the "car" but I wasn't sure if it was that or a boat, and I said, "I hope this isn't a boat, cause if it is, it's sinking." And my mother asked if this was a boat and Sonny said, yes, then cowered in a corner--and I was saying, we're going to get hypothermia if we stay in here. I got out of the water onto some kind of surface....

For Yetta Kurland for City Council '09

Yetta's awesome and so was this event 5/31/08. I'm SO glad I got to go except my makeup was a disaster. But whatever--this event was not about makeup. It worked for the stage and camera, though. The "energy" was fantastic and it was all great and brilliant. I will be uploading some videos to youtube but am having problems with the conversion process.....

various rants

Sitting in a coffee shop there's someone, a girl/woman, with a book open that's been heavily highlighted. She's writing extensively in a notebook. I envy anyone who can take notes like that, I never could. My notes ended up looking like the bottom of a chicken coop. Besides, when someone is writing in a notebook next to me it becomes very frustrating--like I want to know what they're writing about. What heavy drama is in their lives that I'm missing? Most of the time I know nothing about anyone. There's so much going on around me that I don't know of.

I've been so lucky I've had really cute, amazing guys I met .... and had incredible experiences I wouldn't have otherwise. I can't deny that I have had other not so great ones. But I can have....so much fun with a person and not be ripped apart by all the drama that comes with "dating." Here, everyone's up front about it. There's no pretending-- about anything! It's a real relief.

more me

Some new pix of me not to be narcissistic but I worked hard for these and the nude.....well it just looks so damn good. The other ones are me with my hair blow dried straight which I seldom do anymore in this one it looks like I'm throwing up.......................just kooky, right?

you're the best

amazing night. you're gorgeous. I wish I saw more of you.

my poem

psycho charger
I wish you were here
come into my nightmare
it's better with you here
we're meant to be it's true
that's why I never see you
still you were the best sex I had
the only true one for me
at least then you were
the only time the only thing
you still come into my mind

Videos

I'm obsessed with this video by the Utah Saints....



I have to go to Cardiff!!!!!!!!!!



Also this amazing group Berlin from the early 80s....this video Masquerade.............



And Felix da Housecat....Harlot



I listened to that song non-stop while I was in Egypt.



fucking genius!!!!!!!!!!

They're All Gonna Laugh at You

Last night I went on a Youtube binge and watching various Charlie Rose interviews....have to see more of that. There IS some good TV out there. And I watched the prom scene from Carrie, a film I was obsessed with. That and Dressed to Kill. Brian de Palma is an unbelievable director....
But now I can't get that out of my mind.

Eight Belles

This poor horse Eight Belles
lost her life in a horrible way and my heart goes out to her. I hope she's in a good place. This is really painful and it's haunting me.

have to put this out there

if I disappear, it is most likely this person: 646 436 3855. Whatever you do, avoid this number if you ever come across it. This person has been texting me and calling me even though I told him not to, and he showed up near where I live. Thank God I didn't give him my address, my real one. I'm hoping he'll eventually give up. I'm forced to take action on this.

Obsession and Sexual Captivation

It's been so long, so long, the years go by and I can't.....I can't shake it off me, can't stop thinking about him. Others have come and gone--but he's always there. It's been nearly two decades. What does that make this? It has to be the real thing.
So the chart comparison says we're not "meant to be" I mean it's disastrous but I can't I can't I can't separate myself I just can't because according to it he "captivated" or "trapped" me he sure as hell did. I have been so stupid. I can't believe how stupid. I wasted scads of time and energy. But it's the past now.
I am in DC and don't want to leave. What's there to go home to? The endless stress and caring for the cats as much as I love them they wear me out. I can't abandon them. But it is nice to be away.
I visited Arlington Cemetery and Kennedy's grave and it made me think of him. There are all these wholesome non-New Yorkers everywhere here it's kind of nice, soothing. The atmosphere here is much more gentle, despite the fact that there are a few "New York moments" like this guy who stuck his head out of an SUV and screamed at the car in front of him, "Move motherfucker! What the fuck!" and was slamming down his horn....and a woman said, "Someone needs anger management classes!" But back to Arlington.....I saw one tombstone with the name DavidGE or something, and right behind it BlackBD or something.....so put them together......
and I felt like this presence and suddenly, I said, "Leave me alone ..." and the voice says "I'm going to rape you now...." I started--I burst out laughing, then remembered I was by myself among tourists in a cemetery....
I mean, it's stressful staying in a hostel and not knowing anyone really--but I don't miss coming home to dirty litter and shit all over the place that I have to clean no matter how exhausted...and the first floor apartment I'm supposed to move into that's not finished and the constant bad smell and just all the ....my mother--I love her but she gets so neurotic about the dumbest things--and just everything. ..............working with X who if I'm so obsessed I may as well.

all

these guys want revenge, maybe on women who reject them. "Unwanted attention" is the definition of sexually harassment. Without a doubt I was sexually harassed there. I believe in the concept of free speech and I'm sex positive, at least I thought I was. But that doesn't mean I find everything in the business or what's published to be good. But it's a chicken and egg thing. Art holds a mirror up to the world. Why are these bars and clubs in the middle of nowhere? Someone once asked. I'm mortified, humiliated.....if I'd been raped actually it wouldn't have been so bad, hardly different. What was I doing? I was breathing, that's it. Yeah, I want to get fucked really badly, that is why I screamed at this guy to get away from me.

another incident

You can fault me for this and you probably will. I went into Alibi around 3 AM or so because I was having a difficult day, was out of wine and wanted one glass, or two. I have gone in there alone, like last night, met decent people and had a good night. Really all I wanted was to have a drink and go to bed. Yes, it was 3AM but I wanted to go, and I wasn't high or drunk, and I'd been there before. It was crowded in there. I paid for my drink, and while I was standing there a guy, about 5 ft 8, black, bald, with a black and white scarf, came and stood next to me. He said "Hi" and I didn't like his approach, so I said, I'm waiting for someone. He went away for a while, back to his buddies (interesting how these people are always backed up). I got my glass, paid for it, and went and sat down in a chair by the window. Then the same guy came up to me, and stood right over me, putting his leg on the step which led to where I was sitting. He was in my face, and I tried to ignore him. I finally said, after about a minute in which he wouldn't leave, "I would like to be left alone ok?" and he said, I have a right to stand here. He was leering at me, and I said, you're in my space, you don't have a right to be here. He still wouldn't move. He turned to his friend, a tall black guy with dreads, and said, "Am I in her space?" Of course, his friend said no. I said, get away from me now, I'm not fucking around. He still wouldn't. After asking him about ten times with him still refusing, I did eventually scream at him, as loud as I could, "Get away from me!" There was music playing, for what symbolism you can draw conclusions, Madonna's "Material Girl." I screamed again over the music, "Get away I'm not fucking around!" All he did was laugh and tell me I was crazy. I went up to the bartender and said, "I was just sexually assaulted this happened in your bar." Then I left, and stupidly, stupidly, called 911. I say stupidly because......I should have known it was this guy and all his buddies who'd back him up, their word against mine. But I said anyhow, ....I gave them the description and said what happened. I went back in there to see if he was there and the bartender, a white Irish (I think) guy, was standing there smoking. I said, "Do you realize I was assaulted and this happened in your bar?" Then he got hostile at me and said, "Then why are you coming back?" I said, don't I have right to be here, or something like that. He asked me, "Did he touch you?" And I said, he almost did. He said again, did he touch you? And I said, does he have to? He was approaching me and wouldn't back down that's a form of assault. I said finally, "So just because I'm a woman doesn't give him the right to do this, even if it's 3AM or whatever the hell time it is, he has no right.....nice to know this is the world we live in...." then I walked away and the men and one woman, all of them, were laughing. I started walking up dekalb ave back to this dump that I'm moving out of....and I got a call on my cell. I picked up, and it was the police. They said, you called to make a complaint....and I said, you know what, it's useless. No one will believe me. And it's true. They were calling me crazy. The woman on the line said do you want the police to help you or not and I said, no, forget it. It's them(all fourteen of them, men and women---yeah, fucking sick, right?) against me, I won't be believed. I hung up. You can fault me for that as well. What will ever be done about it? I almost mentioned Imette to those people, but didn't. It's a losing battle. I'll be called crazy and dangerous because, yes, I screamed like hell at this guy to leave me alone. Why did I do it? Because he wouldn't back away from me when I told him to. Does he have to touch me for it to be assault? For it to be harassment (it definitely was that)? This is not a "bad" neighborhood either--these are million dollar or multi million dollar brownstones. But I'm done with being here--done. A friend told me how in pretty much this same area rapes would go on as a matter of course and be recorded, awarded really, with individual pegs on a telephone pole. This was back in the 60s and 70s. I asked how many pegs were on this pole? He said, the thing was ready to topple over. So this--I mean does he have to bruise me, stick his dick in me, even touch me for it to be assault? Do I have to wait for that? So this bastard, this sicko, will walk free and be rewarded, by men and women apparently, for his behaviour. Congratulations America. This is the society you've created.
What was I wearing? Jeans and a sweat top, no makeup and ugg boots. I don't dress up, really. Oh, I was a temptress all right......
Women won't sympathize, or men, or ....well, yeah, some will. But I know I'll get, "Well why were you out alone at 3AM? You really shouldn't do that. Don't you know it's dangerous?" Uh--well, gee, no I didn't. I'd been out before and this didn't happen. I will NEVER go back to that place, and I don't want to be in this fucked up neighborhood any more. I have to say it. I thought it had redeeming qualities--it does, but it's been too much hell, too much pain, and I'm not safe anywhere, there's no refuge, there's no one to turn to--there's nothing. There's nothing for me here. I thought Fort Greene was for me--but in light of this, it's not. Where is there? Is it "my" fault that I went into a bar at 3AM? Was I teasing these men, asking for it? I went in there because I needed to get away from where I live, because due to circumstances here I'm not happy or comfortable here either. I went to this same bar last night and it was a good experience. I can't believe I tipped that dirt bag scum dripper of a bartender. Fuck him. Never again, no--I need to leave this place, this fucked up dirty overcrowded woman-hating polluted city I thought it was for me but it's become death, really--or maybe this neighborhood hasn't been completely "converted" these guys were malicious and up to no good but they put on one hell of an act when they need to so nothing will be done to punish them. This guy will go on to rape assault and whatever else and--maybe after he's raped someone or several people then something will be done. I apparently have to be lying on the ground bleeding to be believed. It's a woman-hating world--this plus the film I did but no one will believe me. I'll be made out to look like the bad one. It's pointless. But I can't go on this way. I can't go on here. I won't live in a place where my pain and degradation is someone's entertainment. No way. And the women who find this funny, like the one who was laughing, and I heard her, really laughing hysterically--well, then where will we ever go? That there's no excuse for.

horrible night, stupid "shoot"

I agreed to do an "s and m" film, if you want to call it that. I am not sure if I was assaulted or not but I was certainly coerced and manipulated. I guess it's funny, in a way. The guy got fed up with me and screamed in my face, "Get dressed and go home," then, as per usual, underpaid me. This guy looked and acted like a cop. Jersey City is the world's sewer. I used to live there; abysmal, fucked up, horrible place. Even Evanston was better. At least Evanston had a few good qualities. Worse, these girls who were working on the film were sitting there laughing hysterically after I left to get dressed. Not that it matters, but they were black (one) Hispanic (one) those were the main ones, then a white woman who did my make up. The white woman came and stood with me while I was getting dressed; why I don't know. Was she sympathetic or watching to make sure I didn't rob anyone? If she was seeming the first, she's a liar because she went later and stood with the girls who were laughing at me. The black one was the worst, her way of laughing (I'm sure it was at me) was particularly sinister and hateful, as if what happened to me was entertainment and like she was proud of it, glad that it happened. 38 Park Street, Jersey City is the address. I know I shouldn't lump people together, but considering that I was active on the side of those black lesbians who were attacked in the Village and (wrongly) sent to jail, as well as Sakia Gunn, this kind of treatment from another of that community was a real stab in the back. Also, I saw the People vs. Larry Flynt and I was sympathetic to him, and pro-porn IF and that's a big IF it's between consenting adults. I consented, on this film, to some things but not others. When I pointed that out, the guy screamed "Cut!" and then got in my face saying, "You don't say that! You don't need to say that!" then later he was screaming at me, "You're causing problems!" I know it's pointless to argue or fight. No one will take my side, or if they do, they may use this as part of a crusade to ban pornography. I mean, I believed in certain people whom I link to this whole affair; then this happens and it makes me feel like I've made a fool of myself. It's the worst kind of betrayal. And I can't trust anyone at all. I wish I could. One of these days I'll look back on this and laugh. But now I just know I wasted my time and money, as well, and it's sheer good fortune I didn't lose much more. I'm grateful for that much.

more obsession that's lasted half my life

strangled by this but I can't get rid of it. I asked two psychics who both told me he's wrong for me plus the software said the same thing but I can't stop thinking about fucking him it's really treacherous I try to think about other things I really do.....he was painfully gorgeous I can't BELIEVE what an idiot I've been I was the real thing the prize I hung out with..........ugh ugh I could have had him and he could have had me................so D is "the one" according to everyone and MA D who sent pictures of his dick to my cell phone (that's proof right there isn't it, only true love) and asked me if he had a nice penis and said he wanted to rape me...........but not O still I can't get O out of my mind..............so what terrible thing will happen with me and O it said something about us both being coo--cooo......no I'm not kidding. he he

I had this dream that I hurt my knee and there was this open sore really gruesome and I was screaming, then I was in a rocking chair with my cat. so...........

madly wildly obsession possesses me

I am madly wildly REALLY attracted to O I went to the protest on his birthday thought it was symbolic but I got a horrible itching in my crotch it's hard to write about I couldn't cheer could barely walk I thought I'd caught something it was painful I stupidly missed out trying not to get fat I went to the GYN I was so afraid I had an STD the doctor asked me if I was high.............it turned out to be a "ph imbalance" when I was called in to her office I thought, oh, God, here we go she's going to say "you have herpes clymydia gohnerreah crabs pid " I thought this is it I did that film and he insisted on no condom I thought, "you bastard" even though he'd told me he was clean.................so.....thank GOD it's not an STD my heart rate went back down to normal......so I had never had an itch like this before even when I caught poison ivy...............
For some reason I'm remembering these retarded "job interviews" I used to go on back when I actually worked job jobs. I went to Urban Outfitters once for an interview walked there cause at the time I had no money for the train, or something.............I was a mess she asked why I wanted to work there; and I said, "....um.....well.....I can get clothes" really not a good reply. I meant to say I love clothes and can get a discount there.......but you're not supposed to say that........really I was stumped........... she said "...........ugh..........I don't know what you mean by 'get clothes...'" I said, um, um....yeah I stumbled through that........then she said, "I'm choosing from many applicants......" and never called. What a train wreck I was. There's a reason I'm not doing those jobs, although I have in the past. I worked at Antique Boutique for a whole week once.

how will I get through this?

One of the unwritten rules on a set is don't talk about being tired, cause everyone is. But I'm so tired. I don't know how I'll get to class I just want to go to sleep. Plus I have to take care of all those blah things in life like laundry and bills. My body is falling apart.

harassment

Today it's been ........too many times to count. The last straw was when I went out to the store around 12:30 am. Some .......ok, one guy was heckling me. I walked by and ignored him. Then, as I was turning the corner to go to my place, a guy (white) got out of a cab and was saying to me, as I walked in the street to get away from him, "Hey, be careful in the street girl." He kept staring at me and I started to get nervous......then he went into one of the buildings. Then, two guys (black) turned the corner and were walking behind me. Call me paranoid, but since I was assaulted last year I trust no one. I called my roommate and asked her to stay on the phone with me. I went into my apartment, and saw the two guys walk away. I got a really bad vibe from these guys and could tell......one even looked like the one who assaulted me. My neighborhood is not bad; it was much worse when I moved in. But there are dicey areas nearby. Still--ok to their credit I have to say the cops do patrol these streets and keep a lookout. But I'm really sick of people, when I complain about this, acting like I"m to blame for living here, and say, "Well, why don't you just move?" or "I don't know why you haven't moved out of there.....long ago. Why do you stay there?" and "It's Bed Stuy, don't you know that's real rough you should get out of there......" I feel like asking, "Why don't you just move?" First of all, it's not that simple, and second, why should I? Why shouldn't women (or men) be able to walk around at any time or why should we be forced to pay ridiculous rents (and this block does have high rents).....when in other parts of the world the rents are low and the poverty extreme but this shit doesn't happen? Even my roommate doesn't listen to me or take me seriously when I say there's bad stuff out there, and makes it out to be my fault. I end up getting punished. Well, that's not right. The way things are done in this country--"gentrification" I mean I'm not a fan, but I also don't miss living in fear. And sadly, neighborhoods with higher rents are safer. My area happens to have bad spots. But the first guy who harassed me was white (not that it matters, but for the record) the others were black--they had no right, no fucking right at all. I live here and pay for this place, I deserve to live safely. It's still safer here than it was. But there needs to be zero tolerance, and no one deserves to be bothered because they go outside to the store after midnight. That's discrimination and it comes out of low and high places. So don't tell me we live in a post feminist world where we're all equal. Or rather, don't tell me I have it great and don't suffer discrimination except for a few minor kinks here and there (such as being followed and leered at every time I go home) or marrying a guy who cheats because I'll get pregnant/fat get bags under my eyes/worn down from endless breast feeding and diaper changing and the world is full of sweet young things who simply worship and adore my husband.......ya de ya de ya ..................then he's run off with one of them and I'm old/fat/with a kid/and a .....................humiliated and beaten in the worst possible way deja vu? -----no it isn't really happening I'm just making it all up and imagining it cause I have nothing better to do.............I've had a couple drinks now....................As long as I can't leave my house that's not equality. No, it's not right. I went out again, with a police whistle (I am well aware of the corruption of the police but in this situation there's no alternative) and was ready to raise hell because those guys who followed and threated me should not be out in the world. No, no--that's what I mean by zero tolerance. I won't live my life in jail--staying indoors after x time no--we should be able to meet the night head on. I'm a night person. I don't know if.........after I got my hair done I feel like I'm getting far more attention than ever. But no matter. I won't take it. No way.

Quit Smoking

I know, I'm intolerant. But for a reason. You're killing others, not just yourself. Also, I run and walk all over the city and what makes it unbearable is people smoking in the streets. I quit, anyone can. DO NOT SMOKE IF YOU HAVE PETS OR CHILDREN! You might as well just shoot them and get it over with. People would get vindictive toward me when I brought this up to them, in every way imaginable. I was forced to confront them, I didn't want to. It's just irresponsible, on their part. There's no excuse. It's just breathtaking what lengths people go to.

dreams

This week has not been good, so far. I'm hoping for a change. I had one of the more vivid of my dreams. I may be having these all the time, and waking up not remembering. The only thing that woke me from this was a loud noise. I'd really like to know what that is. What I dream about all the time is my mother and sister, rivers, lakes, boats crossing, islands, big wooden houses, hotels....I have a recurring one where I'm with my mother and sister in a wooden mansion going from room to room (bedroom) looking for one to stay in. Tonight I dreamt first that I was in my room and heard my dad's voice....I thought, he's trying to contact me. But then I remember what my ex said...that spirits take familiar shapes and it could be anything. I start praying, the room is dark, I shut my eyes and open them.....when I do I see a shadow figure of a woman (black?) in black meditating........then she disappears........then I'm on a train and it's making sounds.....the sounds of a train, and I see these women's faces appearing in the mirror over me, and I'm thinking they're looking at me through the reflection. I'm thinking trains are meditation? I don't know......hundreds of young women's faces, look at me and say....no, they're getting on the train, look into the mirror, and say, "World Trade Center." I'm kind of nodding off.....through the mirror somehow they're arranged so they look at me. Now I remember.....I dreamt before I was in a bar and my aunt was calling for me. Maybe my cousin was with her. Then I'm on the train.......ok, back there......and this girl and guy get on. The girl looks familiar, kind of heavy set. She tells the conductor, "We just drove all the way from California.....I don't know which way......" and the conductor points her the opposite direction the train's headed.......

oh oh

pessimistic me! NYE was decent. I went to a nice party with longtime friends, and got several happy new year and merry holiday wishes from people. So nice, really, to know people are thinking of me.


Which brings me to: I've been feeling really guilty that I've been short with certain people who deep down I care about, but who managed to get on my bad side lately. I don't want to hurt anyone, not them really, but it's hard sometimes to explain something to people and have them not understand a word of what you tell them. They are well meaning, I know. But they don't understand me or my decisions. What can I do?

On another note, music and dance are my obsessions. I watch videos and dance every day. I try to get to class every day. I work on monologues and dance every day. I managed to get them, though it's very tiring. Then I can't sleep, I'm too wired. I get to bed at 4 or 5 am then have to get up in a few hours.