As I see it

So I write it. Take it however you will that's you not me.

Watched the Hot Chick

More alligators. Cute film.
No matter how much I like someone when I need space I need space. Just.......I don't know. Life can be so random. If only I could go to the future see the outcome then go back. Or I guess I can. Like a chess game. I'm not much for strategy. My legs hurt. I had crazy dreams last night.....I was home then went to a basement room or something it became the church basement......the Catholic one on 14th. Where that freaky bazaar was. An older woman in white came up to me and spit at me. I'd had one a couple days before where I'm swept up in a tornado. Then I'm supposed to meet a friend end up in queens trying to get back.....

Alligator head in MTF

Of all things.....I've seen those sporadically. I used to see them in this house I lived in in Ohio.....saw one @ Hunter a few months ago.....

Nice break

B vitamins.....whoever invented soda is a genius and I love them.....one can never have too many 2 liter Mountain Dews

Went through hell

I was nearly killed emotionally if not physically. A lot of work to untangle myself.
When all is said and done I stayed strong. How did I?
Now watching Meet the Fockers think I've earned two hours of this. This guy I dated a while back, Vital who at least I can say took me to raves and out to dinner, nice) spaced out in an Indian restaurant as the bright lights were too intense.....told me, "Laura you're the flakiest person I know." Then paused and said, "Laura you're a fruit loop."
This girl Liz, one of Ted's "fuck friends" that he is famous for, that he "won't hesitate to use if you're unavailable" (and he didn't) tried to dissuade this guy Manny from seeing me by telling I'm crazy (he continued to see me.....)

Punk rock around the world

Was looking for European bands then did a cross search in Latin America and discovered this band from Colombia......totally hooked on this one.

AterciopeladosAterciopelados - Luz Azul: http://youtu.be/lpdTjrqy9Ww

Flea market @14th

Right next to the Catholic church.....really funky stuff. Got these a esome sunglasses and a bunch of dvds including Walk the Line so just now reading about Johnny Cash.....real fascinating stuff. My uncle is a big fan of him. The song Thriller came on while I was looking at a cd of Whitney Houston....."and tho you fight to stay alive/your body starts to shiver/for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the thriller" then that laugh.......all this looking at her photo pretty chilling you know considering what happened......in the east village now it's a dark moon but a gothic eerie calm.....wind starting as will rain soon.....I have been insatiably hungry all day. Will you still love me when I'm a fat girl.....after hard training plus work plus undereating guess my body is asking for a break.....took some cool photos.....the ghosts are out tonight .....it's not scary but more bizarre and lulling hypnotic

Thirty minutes of torture

But did done. Got into three fights. Boom bam pow! Isn't that a Hall and Oates album? Stand your ground, like they say in Florida. Don't take any (slaps fist to palm).....

dreams of planes

I'm standing not sitting, this a recurring one. The plane is landing (astral projection, I must have stepped outside my own body they say that happens during times of trauma ) then it lands. It's summer, but out of the blue it's snowing. One guy, he looked like one I went on .....who was on a trip to London on that study abroad .....said, I told you before it was snowing why didn't you see it? Maybe this is after watching a documentary on 9/11 and dust everywhere.....it was literally pulverized into sand.....a plane alone did that? But some other time for that one.
Before I left for London I had had my belly pierced this guy.....who did it.....I got some kind of rush from the pin going in must have been shock.....only later I felt the pain.....couldn't shower without feeling it later I needed dry air couldn't be around cigarette smoke. I moved out of the dorm. It was chaos. Had to take a taxi to Newark.....my boyfriend at the time helped me. I really acted horribly at times. Believe me, I felt guilt then and still do. By a hair scrape as usual I got out of a mess. Jeez, how do I do it? I don't go looking for these situations. In my dream before leaving.....still in my room at the time, after getting the piercing I fell asleep and suddenly was in a museum, the Natural History. Dead, encased butterflies. I suddenly was out of my body and flying through this place that was full of artifacts but no human beings, nothing alive period. Then I fell down to the floor. I was on the steps. I woke up and looked up. The soul leaves the body but to where? I dream constantly of being in a plane, a hot air balloon, flying above the city......


http://canankk.deviantart.com/art/Flying-In-Dreams-203696349

from this site http://www.pinterest.com/dreamscloud1/flying-dreams/

Madness - One Step Beyond my name turned up again......

look to the left.......ca. 1980 something. Angleterre. British lad hotties.......

"in the waters off beautiful Nauset

I used to pray to recover you, ach, du......"

Sylvia Plath 

“She raised her chin and her pale, black-fringed eyes sparkled in the moonlight. Ellen had never told her that desire and attainment were two different matters; life had not taught her that the race was not to the swift. She lay in the silvery shadows with courage rising and made the plans that a sixteen-year-old makes when life has been so pleasant that defeat is an impossibility and a pretty dress and a clear complexion are weapons to vanquish fate.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind, Part 1 of 2

"semper crescis
aut decrescis;
vita detestabilis
nunc obdurat
et tunc curat
ludo mentis aciem,
egestatem,
potestatem
dissolvit ut glaciem.

O Fortune,
like the moon
you are changeable,
ever waxing
and waning;
hateful life
first oppresses
and then soothes
as the sharp mind takes it;
poverty
and power
it melts them like ice."


Carmina Burana


"Daddy's flown across the ocean
Leaving just a memory
A snapshot in a family album
Daddy what else did you leave for me?"

Pink Floyd

“She couldn't survey the wreck of the world with an air of casual unconcern.”
― Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

Summer in Hamptons which I missed but when I was about fourteen......

There was a book in the house about the "real world" of ballet, this before the show "Breaking Pointe" which I love personally. One knows the drill: anorexia, drugs, pain, more pain, hard work and neck to neck competition. Not to mention at times physical and emotional abuse. I could never make myself barf just couldn't.....the other stuff......ugh. I was slightly chubby but loved dance.....so I read in this book that Baryshnikov approached a young woman dancer of his once saying he saw fat on her thighs, some such thing. She, as she told this writer, said maybe it was the birth control pills she'd been taking. According to her, he then walked away, turned around and said, "Why don't you try taking cold showers instead." He wasn't kidding, she told the writer. Oh.....at the time I didn't understand. I think I'd asked my mother, are cold showers a form of birth control? How do they prevent pregnancy? Similar to watching Gone with the Wind, when Scarlett told Rhett she didn't want more kids.....I'd always assumed that birth control was always available. Somehow didn't put two and two together til recently, or understood why this was such a colossal issue.....in the book he says "You may keep your chastity" in the film it was switched to "sanctity......"

so.....more on.....

what I wrote before about these experiences.....strange how they fade into the background til you suddenly remember then write them down. I saw a British film last night where the actor talks about twists and random turns of fate and that's the only explanation.....well one possible one of why I didn't end up sitting where someone like Amanda Knox or these other people you read about are. Because I'm me and they're them? Well, obviously. One psychic said simply life may have other plans.....but how by a slip of the fingers I got away from that. But I'm not there I'm here and can as yet still walk and talk and breathe and I"m not standing trial but writing eating working dancing, trying to.....Halloween! Love it. Sadly, that's.....well.....other stuff. Ee. I thought I had to put photos of me cleaned up and in an innocent or safe place but I say no, show it how it is. As it is not everyone is friendly to me. Maybe some want me to STFU. Wouldn't surprise me. But this is my story and this is what is happening, what did.....what will?

Re-invent yourself? I did once

At least once.....that for another time.

This is it as it is

imperfect and highly fucked up and fabulous too......my head aches, my heart and soul ache.....but I'm telling it as I spin it so I relive it

THE MAIDS / TRAILER

   Wow what a rendition! This the Papin sisters, of which I'd written a couple days ago. I'd seen this when it came out but to read about it then see it......found it)



Below is Hecate, goddess of the crossroads. I find her particularly intriguing, of the Greek goddesses. A couple of artists' renditions of her.

cabotinecco is the artist, a he from China. This is computerized. Over in many of the Asian countries there seem to be many aces at digitalized art. His stuff is incredible. 

The second is an Australian female going by Cemac  her interpretation of Hecate is more sympathetic.....light for the lost, certainly.....

3 emails

Comes in threes doesn't it? Joan Rivers dies at 81 (=9) Billi Shakes at the Bitter End and from Humane Association This boxer (dog) fights for her life but was given a 2nd chance.....anyway.....I was talking to someone about a sarcophagus.....he had a mini one. It opens up and there is a tiny mummy inside. Or a small rendition of one. I also saw on the headlines a headless woman in the London suburbs (that's a creative way) and an 8 year old girl in Arizona (seems to happen quite a bit there) ......finally the "hot car dad" .....all this as I was listening to British and American 70s-80s rock......and thinking about the time I spent in London I know I have written on this before but it's stuck in my mind. 

King's Cross London

I watched the Amanda Knox movie again (I get weird obsessions with films I watch some repeatedly I guess it runs in the family I have Gone With the Wind memorized practically) but it makes sense of course. Foreign exchange (Foreigner ha) students particularly "dumb Americans" naive, young, malleable, confused.......are an easy target for those who'd take advantage. Also because, as I said before, what happened to Amanda could have happened to me or many others. It was simply a few factors that stood in the way of me ending up in that predicament though I had my own minor brush with trouble and the cops over there. I could only imagine how terrifying.....it WAS..... for a time I thought I'd never get out of there.....be forever stuck in this far-off place with strange cops who were unsympathetic in this land that never got hot and everyone looked peculiar and was hostile to us.....this while being taken to see movies about police in Australia and Britain brutally beating prisoners yeah enough to scare the living shit out of someone like me. But to be stuck in prison a part of me wonders if I'd have a heart attack. Only the international law stood in my favor and the cops there didn't want to mess with that. Really, a miracle. Imagine if this was a country where .....there is less law. Or none. When I went to Israel I was detained and interrogated (first time ever I've been.....I was outraged as it turns out proved me innocent thankfully.....I later saw the same reactions on Law and Order episodes "What's all this about? You think I did this?" ect) by this soldieress yes I.....they know what they're doing (probably trained by the American military) they provoke you and provoke you, trying to break you down, test your reactions, see how you respond. I can't say I was this girl's biggest fan and at the end I finally snapped (again.....sitting in a foreign airport desperately wanting to get the fuck out of there.....never been so damn grateful to get on a plane) and I was walking around Amsterdam full of rage and whimpering at being singled out.....why why why.....but I suppose I can't hold it against someone for doing their job and following protocol I understand the big picture. But.....me being American, middle class, white.....Protestant what have you, you take these privileges for granted having them and it devastated me later to hear people who do not have these advantages telling me what they went through. A girl who was of Syrian descent (which actually I have some in me my maternal great grandfather was allegedly Syrian maybe Syrian Jewish) but you wouldn't know it talking to me, talked about, this while we were in London, and she spoke with an American accent but how she was detained on an international flight to Paris (she came from money but no matter) her suitcase wrapped in yellow tape and forced to wear a gold star and all this before September 11, 2001. Right when I had that skirmish with the international phone center, after having my bag stolen in Burger King (interestingly was reading David Copperfield oops oh look! it's really happening) having no money I admit I was dumb enough to walk into this place thinking I could call collect my Dad, God bless him, on the other end at his job in Indianapolis.....then this furious guy on the phone with my father saying I owed 13 GBP ya de ya "August thuhteenth" the same day that the American embassy in Nigeria was bombed. At the time we had no internet and little access to the news and I couldn't afford a newspaper because my money was taken from me. These experiences are very common in Europe it happens to European tourists as well. So be careful. But the place I was staying in London, no joke, called the "Dimwiddy House".....in the red light district but hey if you're gonna go go in style baby, had very tight security I have said this before. But had it not certainly a break in probably would have occurred the same way it did in Perugia. Who knows why this poor girl Meredith had such a terrible, unjust end. I am sorry for that......how could anyone be sorry enough? Multiple injustices there. And no explanation.....not enough of one. Such a bizarre world, you know? It goes without saying at least Joan Rivers got to live out her life. I just don't understand it, but I suppose there is no understanding some things.....
Apparently in this neighborhood King's Cross, my father got the message I had been kidnapped.....the policeman told me there had been sirens alarms and a military style search team trying to find me.....I was escorted back to the Dimwiddy House, down the street, shaking and sobbing.....my father on the phone "stay away from Pakistani, stay away from Hindu.....they think you have money and they don't like you....." I walked into the student house, kids standing around smoking and my fellow students watching.....as I struggled to stay composed and extremely embarrassed.....telling the supervisor (a woman.....) of my group what happened.....who had been kind enough to lend me a little money as I had zero anything.....thankfully did have my passport. I had gone there having had listened to British electronic music thinking I would walk into what I saw in music videos. Yeah, I was right, but wrong part of London. My knowledge of Scotland, where we were headed next, was Braveheart (it's called highlands because? It's above the UK......? Or is it really higher, like on a mountain, in my head I pictured a city on a huge rock.....called....what? cliff?) Later on I ventured out on my own and found what, in London I mean, I had been seeking initially. I ventured off alone to some clubs (honestly, I didn't have a great rapport with the kids I went with, we just didn't mesh. At first anyway) and met real natives there. This was a far better experience. This is how I typically traveled I don't know I just had that impulse in me always since birth......to wander off.....sometimes made me feel guilty. I used to do that constantly as a little kid......in Michigan on family trips I did that making my poor mother hysterical as I was simply gone.....I'd wander into other people's back yards and go on the swings, one time in Roscommon boy did I get lost. 
I ended up somewhere around this area pictured looks familiar.....years later GPS would save me but then I'd had none.....must have been a spirit or some such that did then. I was about maybe seven years old with a worse sense of direction than I have now.

Luckily someone picked me up and I don't even know how I got back.....I had been on a bicycle and spun off the I don't know where.....my mom had no cell phone did I even know my address? I think that's the only reason someone managed to drive me back. It's lucky it wasn't some fucker who picked me up but a decent citizen...... 
This is the little gorgeous river in Roscommon.....oh yes.....I went on a trip, a couple years before the London one, to visit family with my mother and little sister.....we went on this same canoe expedition and it started to storm then I dropped my glasses in the river. During this time I had been crying because a guy I'd been dating had flirted with another girl. Eh. History (hysteria) repeats itself and repeats itself.....Ten years later on another trip my grandfather rest his soul, who was.....a little off.....would accuse me of stopping up his toilet. 

Interesting.....toilet stopped then water flowing.....or.....?

Monarch programming?

What I've been reading about.....therein speaks for itself

Someone

Just told me I look like I am from the 1920s cool.....F Scott Fitzgerald would love me cool)

My name showing up around the city

I know Laura is a common name but this is just too bizarre. On the Manhattan bridge and this, I'm sorry.....freaky show.

One of numerous articles on the Papin sisters

This is about as gruesome as it gets.....these two young, very pretty girls snapped and tortured and killed their employers. A number of things apparently contributed to this. There have been dozens of plays, films, articles about this case. Many people and young women were exploited this way around the world but this doesn't often happen.

http://scandalouswoman.blogspot.com/2009/07/murderous-maids-scandalous-crimes-of.html?m=1

Movies.....

Like I said my friend was very sweet to make me some dvds I've mentioned this before La Ceremonie the Amanda Knox and Jodi Arias movies.....I am sorry for whatever personal issues are tied up with them.....but the Knox film is very prettily filmed I am fascinated by this the director his name evades me is Romanian I have seen a couple incredible films out of there. It's really a travesty in my opinion that the international dvd place in the west village closed cause I mean there are lots of great American films but there is so much around the world most people here don't know about. Netflix is just too complicated for me I guess I'm old school (ugh!) my mom rents stuff even vhs from the library all the time. I grew up watching a lot of French, some Italian cinema. Anyway the acting in the Knox film is great the actor playing Lumumba is hilarious and the one playing Guede I wikied this wrote the music: Djibril Debe with an accent I believe is his name.....and Vincent Riotta.....as Mignini.....La Ceremonie is loosely based on an infamous French case of two maids who went beserk.....the Papin sisters.....and killed their emplyers. This was one of the early.....well actually certainly not the first incident of this.....before there was mass media or newspapers there was simply gossip, hysteria.....like the witch trials but anyway this was the 1930s and it was a huge sensation like OJ Simpson or Jodi Arias equivalent in France. Why do these things happen? Who knows.....they simply do.