I'm listening to the music I listened to just before taking off to live in London. This was my last year in school with my then boyfriend. You don't know what you have til you don't have it!
That was a rough period, tumultuous, but hot still. I was crazy then; I still am.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
insane week
I've been so bad about updating this blog and I want it to be interesting.....but it will be. I've been running around all day and I want to get some dinner but even that is an ordeal. I desperately want to get down to Miami for a music conference but ....well, I don't know. I'm just working around the clock right now and trying to stay together.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
creep alert
At these cyber places I go to there are always these jerky guys preying on young attractive women. Uh, please go away. Why are people like them allowed to exist?
Monday, March 13, 2006
heightened sensitivity
Certain noises really grate on me, like gum chewing, whispering (in the library) and this guy next to me tapping the mouse at the computer. My ears in particular are very sensitive. Please, gum chewing should be outlawed. Also, heavy breathing. Ooohhhh ......please stop.......
Saturday, March 11, 2006
love, lust or obsession?
According to what I'm reading, all feel the same in the beginning, I think. You don't know if it's "meant to be" until the end. But actually you can know, by following the signs. Problem is, people have bad judgement at times, even intelligent people with good intentions.
It's not often you get such a deep connection with someone; it's very few people. Someone I met a few months ago told me last night that he's thought of me every day, every other day since. I don't think this thing with him is going anywhere, though. It's very sad, but what can I do?
It's not often you get such a deep connection with someone; it's very few people. Someone I met a few months ago told me last night that he's thought of me every day, every other day since. I don't think this thing with him is going anywhere, though. It's very sad, but what can I do?
Friday, March 10, 2006
my comment on that thread, which didn't go through
I have really mixed feelings about this. It may be true that someone becomes a "good victim" by making themselves weak (drunk) in a shady setting. Still, SoHo is considered a "safe" neighborhood and people there pay high rents for exactly that reason. I am really fascinated by this topic because I live in NYC and am in the same neighborhoods all the time. I can add, however, that I have walked around MANY times late at night, including in "bad" neighborhoods, and I'm a female, more or less attractive" and I haven't been attacked. It really pisses me off to hear people saying, "don't go out by yourself" because it's not like there's always a choice. I've been taking care of myself and walking home by myself since I was seven years old. I'm independent and tough and I have what's called "street smarts" and while there's no guarantee, by fighting back in my own way I've avoided bad situations. And the reason I have been able to is because my friends and I had sex education as well as being taught the dangers out there: ie what to look for and what are the signs and what to avoid and to trust your gut. This sends an unfair message that NYC is dangerous, and that women can't go out or must stay indoors, ect. And I have a problem with that, myself. If you watch films like "Nadja" that can give an example how all women who go out at night are not all victims!
ok I'm getting pissed at this thread
http://nvfc.us/blog/?p=180#comments
I don't think it's admirable for women to be out drunk at 4am. But I've been out alone in NYC in the am at all hours and, look at me, I'm great, I'm still alive. Thing is, even if the cops catch whoever did this, there'll always be another. I believe, to my bones, the answer to what happened to Imette St Guillen is not for women to walk down another street, wear a different shirt, not stay out past a certain time, not go out alone, ect. It's something else. I've been out, I've gone to strangers houses, and....what is it st Barnes said in Platoon? Out here you keep your shit wired tight at all times. I think the element is street smarts and .....let there be no "perfect victim" for these guys. Teach women self defense, and to stand up for each other. Well, this is where it getx complicated. I think the thing is toughness, staying alert. But I really resent being told I'm acting inappropriately. What am I supposed to do, become a nun? I understand what people mean when they say women put themselves in danger, and I can't explain it, and they shouldn't live carelessly. But I don't see that they're safer indoors, as a friend of mine was attacked when someone broke into her apartment. You're under pressure to dress up when going out. But....I understand, the world is what it is and a woman is not in her best way being drunk off her ass and in vulnerable situations with strange men who are much stronger than them. I know. But the reason my friends and I avoided dangerous situations is because we were educated about what's out there, and we knew ahead of time what to avoid, when it's a good time to leave. Like I said, it's "street smarts." If someone gives you a bad feeling, stay away. But.....still there's no guarantee. Now, there's "abstinence only" sex ed, and telling girls that rapists exist is encouraging them to think about sex and become tramps, according to our leaders, so now girls don't know. They are not even told about condoms.
This excerpt from Denmark's The Torch:
As an alternative to the advice of the Chief of Police who called upon women to stay indoors, Vagina Dentata sent out the afore-mentioned declaration of action by occupying Politikens Hus in Copenhagen. In the declaration is says: »Don't put up with being told to stay at home because men commit rape.« And to the men: »We call upon all men to – as a gesture of solidarity – stay home at night, or only go out accompanied by a woman after eight o'clock in the evening, until all women can move freely.«
Female gangs and violent self-defence The women of Vagina Dentata have found inspiration in many different places, but primarily among women who have dared to fight. »All women who fight are an inspiration,«
and....
According to Vagina Dentata, the solution is to free oneself from the traditional female role with all its expectations and prohibitions women are brought up to accept. »It is part of our society, our upbringing, which means the whole system we live in. In contrast to men, women are brought up not to be aggressive, and instead turn the problem against themselves: »I have probably done ...« and »I shouldn't have said ...« but when you get the feeling of revenge, or want to take revenge, it is to get it out of your system and aim it at the one who caused it. If a women is attacked, there is always a tendency to try to justify it by her behaviour, her lack of ability to say no or the way she dresses. But we want to make it perfectly clear, that no one is entitled to commit an attack!«
and....
Therefore, the group has advocated new solutions which in the eyes of many are quite radical: »We have some possible solutions. There are alternatives to wearing something else, walk another way home, or to even stay home, which are the current alternatives available to women in our society.« Their declaration speaks of a militant confrontation. »We are only saying: Also women can get angry and aggressive. We have been brought up to avoid fights, and therefore we haven't learnt it. But it is possible for all women to dare to defend themselves, one way or the other.« Of course there are situations in which the woman is not strong enough to act, but their opinion is that she can call to other women for help.
Experience shows, that their sanctions work. Vagina Dentata can see that they have already had an effect on other women. They have received positive feed-back from many individuals, both unofficially as well as from people who step forward and grant their support.
I will say it again: I've been out in NYC at 4am (not drunk) and I came back alive. This sends this really negative message that women are in danger and can't go out, and if they do they're enticing rapists. Yes, they exist and by being in their way you become a target: but ultimately this sends a message to women to live in fear, to hide from the world. Well....maybe it's that I"m influenced by movies like Nadja, Kill Bill, Lady Snowblood.....all from a feminist perspective. All women that go out and have sex are not victims. The solution is not for women to stay indoors, but for all the world to take responsibility and change.
I don't think it's admirable for women to be out drunk at 4am. But I've been out alone in NYC in the am at all hours and, look at me, I'm great, I'm still alive. Thing is, even if the cops catch whoever did this, there'll always be another. I believe, to my bones, the answer to what happened to Imette St Guillen is not for women to walk down another street, wear a different shirt, not stay out past a certain time, not go out alone, ect. It's something else. I've been out, I've gone to strangers houses, and....what is it st Barnes said in Platoon? Out here you keep your shit wired tight at all times. I think the element is street smarts and .....let there be no "perfect victim" for these guys. Teach women self defense, and to stand up for each other. Well, this is where it getx complicated. I think the thing is toughness, staying alert. But I really resent being told I'm acting inappropriately. What am I supposed to do, become a nun? I understand what people mean when they say women put themselves in danger, and I can't explain it, and they shouldn't live carelessly. But I don't see that they're safer indoors, as a friend of mine was attacked when someone broke into her apartment. You're under pressure to dress up when going out. But....I understand, the world is what it is and a woman is not in her best way being drunk off her ass and in vulnerable situations with strange men who are much stronger than them. I know. But the reason my friends and I avoided dangerous situations is because we were educated about what's out there, and we knew ahead of time what to avoid, when it's a good time to leave. Like I said, it's "street smarts." If someone gives you a bad feeling, stay away. But.....still there's no guarantee. Now, there's "abstinence only" sex ed, and telling girls that rapists exist is encouraging them to think about sex and become tramps, according to our leaders, so now girls don't know. They are not even told about condoms.
This excerpt from Denmark's The Torch:
As an alternative to the advice of the Chief of Police who called upon women to stay indoors, Vagina Dentata sent out the afore-mentioned declaration of action by occupying Politikens Hus in Copenhagen. In the declaration is says: »Don't put up with being told to stay at home because men commit rape.« And to the men: »We call upon all men to – as a gesture of solidarity – stay home at night, or only go out accompanied by a woman after eight o'clock in the evening, until all women can move freely.«
Female gangs and violent self-defence The women of Vagina Dentata have found inspiration in many different places, but primarily among women who have dared to fight. »All women who fight are an inspiration,«
and....
According to Vagina Dentata, the solution is to free oneself from the traditional female role with all its expectations and prohibitions women are brought up to accept. »It is part of our society, our upbringing, which means the whole system we live in. In contrast to men, women are brought up not to be aggressive, and instead turn the problem against themselves: »I have probably done ...« and »I shouldn't have said ...« but when you get the feeling of revenge, or want to take revenge, it is to get it out of your system and aim it at the one who caused it. If a women is attacked, there is always a tendency to try to justify it by her behaviour, her lack of ability to say no or the way she dresses. But we want to make it perfectly clear, that no one is entitled to commit an attack!«
and....
Therefore, the group has advocated new solutions which in the eyes of many are quite radical: »We have some possible solutions. There are alternatives to wearing something else, walk another way home, or to even stay home, which are the current alternatives available to women in our society.« Their declaration speaks of a militant confrontation. »We are only saying: Also women can get angry and aggressive. We have been brought up to avoid fights, and therefore we haven't learnt it. But it is possible for all women to dare to defend themselves, one way or the other.« Of course there are situations in which the woman is not strong enough to act, but their opinion is that she can call to other women for help.
Experience shows, that their sanctions work. Vagina Dentata can see that they have already had an effect on other women. They have received positive feed-back from many individuals, both unofficially as well as from people who step forward and grant their support.
I will say it again: I've been out in NYC at 4am (not drunk) and I came back alive. This sends this really negative message that women are in danger and can't go out, and if they do they're enticing rapists. Yes, they exist and by being in their way you become a target: but ultimately this sends a message to women to live in fear, to hide from the world. Well....maybe it's that I"m influenced by movies like Nadja, Kill Bill, Lady Snowblood.....all from a feminist perspective. All women that go out and have sex are not victims. The solution is not for women to stay indoors, but for all the world to take responsibility and change.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
so....
I shouldn't have posted what I last wrote. I was going to delete it. I sound really arrogant in it. I think I was feeling blue because I had just come from Chelsea and seeing all these professionals, whatever you want to call it, which is what I"m supposed to be but am not, and how I really hate crowds and can't stand to have people walking into me, elbowing me, I live in my own head, which I suppose is immature, and so on. Not that I don't work, I do, and hard, but I can't live a 9 to 5 existence, I don't think. I can fake it for a while, but that's it. And there will be people saying, grow up! It's not that I don't want to work, I always do: but I see how these women live and it's death. I hate thinking about it. So much of the work is not fulfilling, but necessary for survival, but leaves no mark, invents nothing new, doesn't better the world ....or? well, that isn't really intelligent. It's not like writing The Second Sex or War and Peace or giving a brilliant performance.....and I keep wondering how it would be possible to accomplish that while spending all day, every day, in work that is basically menial, for all that it's glorified, I mean like secretarial work, and then coming home to do more menial work.....and....many people will disagree with me, but I've come to the conclusion: fuck the 9 to 5 world. I spent 15 years working dull jobs and didn't realize my own value. You're only young, attractive once and it's then that you can travel, live, create, accomplish. I'm not saying the option won't be there again, but it'll be......well, I don't know, but for me, I feel like I wasted many valuable years in one job after another that wasn't going to lead anywhere, wasn't going to....oh how do I put it? make any substantial contribution to the world. I am not being cynical; the opposite: I'm waking up to this. The world is what it is: I didn't make it that way. Still, if no one worked these jobs, I suppose everything would just fall apart. I mean, someone has to do this work, right? It's true: I wish I never had to wash the bathtub but I do. I've seen a lot of people who haven't had to work hard for anything, and they're really lazy, to be honest. That's not the way to be, either. I just want to spend my energy in a productive way, in one that's moving, somehow. I feel like to do that, I have to walk away from certain situations. And that generates resentment, somehow. I'm just saying truthfully how it is.
Monday, March 06, 2006
feeling .......
Anyway I edited this somewhat cause I think it may be too much to post here. I get very affected by what I read. I do have a lot to say on this subject, though. I wish I knew exactly what it is, but I feel that ......beyond my immediate problems, which are obviously overwhelming, somehow everything is "wrong." I suppose I'm the reason, or am I?
I'm frustrated about any number of things right now; though there's good and bad I suppose. I'm reading Sartre and I think that's adding to it. But that's wrong, I know. I read somewhere about psychic vampires, how some people just suck the life out of you, and I've encountered some people like that. I guess I'm just down about my housing situation and not finding anything good, so far. .........I guess I really don't know where to go from here.
I'm frustrated about any number of things right now; though there's good and bad I suppose. I'm reading Sartre and I think that's adding to it. But that's wrong, I know. I read somewhere about psychic vampires, how some people just suck the life out of you, and I've encountered some people like that. I guess I'm just down about my housing situation and not finding anything good, so far. .........I guess I really don't know where to go from here.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
a trip?
I haven't gone anywhere in ages except to the Midwest, and Southern Jersey, and I feel like that time is coming again. It's hard to believe there's something to life other than NYC. My passport is fucked up and needs to be replaced, and.......I'm really really really sick of being cold! So I think I will go to Florida and, later, LA. It's about time. Of course everything has to be "right" but so be it. Today has sucked the suckiness, but I know it'll get better. It has to. It will start with getting sunnier.
Friday, March 03, 2006
back to high school
The other day I heard Led Zep, can't remember where. Yes, I was a hippy, sort of, well not sort of I was. I was really bad, cut school, smoked weed in the park. That was us. That period came to an end when I realized where some of my friends were headed and, besides, I was smart. It's also because I'm naturally a night person. But anyway, it was like for a second I was back there again. Little did I know, I had really everything in the world; but that's just it, I didn't know. You never do, until later.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Shame on you, Boston
http://news.bostonherald.com/localRegional/view.bg?articleid=128539
This may come across as strident, but so be it, it's how I feel. I am not mincing words this time.
I'm truly horrified by the persecution and harassment suffered by young female sex workers, or prostitutes, by police. What they're doing to these women is truly criminal, inhuman and unforgivable. They call these women who sell sex and buy it from them, then arrest them. I just can't believe that this kind of brutality exists and comes from those who have power and can get away with it. In a misogynist world, a woman who has to sell herself is criminalized, punished, treated as a bad person, when it's the state of the world that led her there to begin with. Shame on you, police, shame on you, Boston!!!! I will not apologize, either. Prostitution must be decriminalized, legalized, and sex is not a crime! Because of the illegality of it, hookers have no defense against rape or other kinds of violence. This is inexcusable. And in a country where I have no control over my reproductive functions (possibly) or where "abstinence only" is the sex education, I can't live, I won't. I want out of this horrid place, away from these insane, anti-woman authorities. I am not normally this straightforward, but I mean it this time. I need to move to a place where women, people in general have rights. This is brutal, and truly scary. Well, anyhow, I used to read all these stories of sex slaves and....I've never seen it, never lived it, but it's obviously unacceptable and needs to be stopped. What I'm saying is that hookers, most, do what they do because they have to, often.....and they're not hurting anyone. If you're not soliciting where there are children, families, whatever, if you're not doing it publicly at all, where's the crime? Lewd behavior? This is truly scary. I used to think differently, and I hate any kind of art or imagery of any kind that degrades women, but women who sell their bodies should not be treated as criminals. What are the other options?
This may come across as strident, but so be it, it's how I feel. I am not mincing words this time.
I'm truly horrified by the persecution and harassment suffered by young female sex workers, or prostitutes, by police. What they're doing to these women is truly criminal, inhuman and unforgivable. They call these women who sell sex and buy it from them, then arrest them. I just can't believe that this kind of brutality exists and comes from those who have power and can get away with it. In a misogynist world, a woman who has to sell herself is criminalized, punished, treated as a bad person, when it's the state of the world that led her there to begin with. Shame on you, police, shame on you, Boston!!!! I will not apologize, either. Prostitution must be decriminalized, legalized, and sex is not a crime! Because of the illegality of it, hookers have no defense against rape or other kinds of violence. This is inexcusable. And in a country where I have no control over my reproductive functions (possibly) or where "abstinence only" is the sex education, I can't live, I won't. I want out of this horrid place, away from these insane, anti-woman authorities. I am not normally this straightforward, but I mean it this time. I need to move to a place where women, people in general have rights. This is brutal, and truly scary. Well, anyhow, I used to read all these stories of sex slaves and....I've never seen it, never lived it, but it's obviously unacceptable and needs to be stopped. What I'm saying is that hookers, most, do what they do because they have to, often.....and they're not hurting anyone. If you're not soliciting where there are children, families, whatever, if you're not doing it publicly at all, where's the crime? Lewd behavior? This is truly scary. I used to think differently, and I hate any kind of art or imagery of any kind that degrades women, but women who sell their bodies should not be treated as criminals. What are the other options?
today
My period started, I am possibly moving (again), it's Ash Wednesday, and I'm absolutely haunted by this article aboiut Imette St. Guillen, the 24 year old student who was horribly raped and murdered. She hung out in the same area as I do and....24 years old! I keep thinking, that could have been me. And how it happened is a mystery: probably she went off with someone who later did this, probably to a hotel. And she was studying criminal justice? It's not like she didn't know the dangers out there. But it's such a random thing, and that's what scares me really. Her family will never recover. Now my own family will worry about me and my sister and that puts a big limit on my freedom and peace of mind, in a number of ways. This is a good argument for self defense, and always keeping your wits about you but, really, it's the world that has to change as well. How is it that in places like Berlin.....or even Cairo.....does this happen there? How many homicides like this have taken place? These cities ........this kind of violence doesn't happen that I know of. Well, maybe I'm wrong, but from the people I've talked to there it doesn't. Maybe the girl was drunk and naive, but someone studying ....forensic psychology whatever that is, but she must have known the kinds of things out there.....but that doesn't excuse this.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)