I want to say that I don't think, nor have I ever, that the problems where I live are exclusively due to the current administration. This is all something that has been around since I've been here, which is since I was thirteen. It's all too complex to go into now but.....
I know there's that part of me that "needs to stay focused." There's SO much to focus on.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
what I last wrote
was pretty emotional and......well, I guess cause I was reading about others taking trips and thinking of where I want to go. THis is all too complicated to write now. But there is that side of me that wants to go places and the other side that has life experiences, that needs and plans and aspires. I know that I can go somewhere but will at some time also have to return. I'm all over the place now, but it's looking more and more like I can spend some time in Berlin, maybe go in August. Ideally like three months.
But it's true, this apartment is too much for just me and I got really sick of pulling weeds and collecting rocks, taking them outside. My front entrance outside is full of garbage bags and boxes of rocks. Like I said before I don't want to waste my life with stuff like this, but then again, I have to deal with it.
If what I read about life lessons holds any weight, I can at least say that this was a learning experience. I learned from mistakes what not to do, and exactly what to expect. If I learned anything, it's I know where I don't belong, where I know I can't go no matter what, what I won't do no matter what. There are other things. At least I know I have other options, for now. I have to remember that even at my old job the MAJORITY of the people were decent. It's like that at most jobs. I just wish I'd known six months ago what I know now. I was at ABC no Rio today ....I'm a hippie, a punk, sort of, at heart. And I'm thinking from now on I can only focus on what I really care about and at least I know what to avoid. I guess my weed analogy was extreme-sounding but it's kind of true....well, at least I wonder if it is. But the general horridness of some people's behavior is something I'll never get used to, that will never stop affecting me in a very scary way. Some people are just mean, so much it's astonishing. Like some people I encountered recently. And I do wonder why they are that way, like is it bad experiences in life or they're just born like that? ONe of those things people have been struggling to know.
But it's true, this apartment is too much for just me and I got really sick of pulling weeds and collecting rocks, taking them outside. My front entrance outside is full of garbage bags and boxes of rocks. Like I said before I don't want to waste my life with stuff like this, but then again, I have to deal with it.
If what I read about life lessons holds any weight, I can at least say that this was a learning experience. I learned from mistakes what not to do, and exactly what to expect. If I learned anything, it's I know where I don't belong, where I know I can't go no matter what, what I won't do no matter what. There are other things. At least I know I have other options, for now. I have to remember that even at my old job the MAJORITY of the people were decent. It's like that at most jobs. I just wish I'd known six months ago what I know now. I was at ABC no Rio today ....I'm a hippie, a punk, sort of, at heart. And I'm thinking from now on I can only focus on what I really care about and at least I know what to avoid. I guess my weed analogy was extreme-sounding but it's kind of true....well, at least I wonder if it is. But the general horridness of some people's behavior is something I'll never get used to, that will never stop affecting me in a very scary way. Some people are just mean, so much it's astonishing. Like some people I encountered recently. And I do wonder why they are that way, like is it bad experiences in life or they're just born like that? ONe of those things people have been struggling to know.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
loooonnnnnng day
still recovering from an interview that took me out to kew gardens, queens, for a job editing the yellow pages out there. Exciting,huh? There's a hell of a lot going on now, but it's too intense to write in just a blog. I still don't know where to go from here exactly, but I do know what projects are looming. There's always something else to do.
The problem with NYC is, rather, the problem with the US is, now that the old structures of family are no more, really, we need new ways of living. We're all isolated in our apartments. I am in mine, and it's getting to me. It's too expensive and too much work and I need someone, really a significant other, to live there with me. But G won't move in there, and no one else has. Roommates would be barely tolerable.
But I read this elsewhere, as it's not just my idea, but I'm expanding. We need more of a communal living space, not this owner/renter/everyone in their honeycomb situation. A neighborhood where people work together and help eachother in ways like with kids, pets, medical. If abortion (an immediate flag) becomes illegal there could be local abortionists....but people tried that in the past and it doesn't appear to have worked. But so much energy is spent keeping it legal and I don't think it should ever not be. But if it is, if there were a society where people worked together and looked out for eachother, unwanted pregnancies could be dealt with better. But besides abortion, there is SO much that's not being looked at: the fact that just living requires more and more impossible feats. There are no, or few, full time wives or maids to stay home and take care of a house, let alone kids. How can you realistically work 16 hour days and come home to do all those homey things? It's impossible. I couldn't do it, it cost me my health. Why aren't these things being addressed more by women leaders? I have my theories, but will have to write on it later.
The problem with NYC is, rather, the problem with the US is, now that the old structures of family are no more, really, we need new ways of living. We're all isolated in our apartments. I am in mine, and it's getting to me. It's too expensive and too much work and I need someone, really a significant other, to live there with me. But G won't move in there, and no one else has. Roommates would be barely tolerable.
But I read this elsewhere, as it's not just my idea, but I'm expanding. We need more of a communal living space, not this owner/renter/everyone in their honeycomb situation. A neighborhood where people work together and help eachother in ways like with kids, pets, medical. If abortion (an immediate flag) becomes illegal there could be local abortionists....but people tried that in the past and it doesn't appear to have worked. But so much energy is spent keeping it legal and I don't think it should ever not be. But if it is, if there were a society where people worked together and looked out for eachother, unwanted pregnancies could be dealt with better. But besides abortion, there is SO much that's not being looked at: the fact that just living requires more and more impossible feats. There are no, or few, full time wives or maids to stay home and take care of a house, let alone kids. How can you realistically work 16 hour days and come home to do all those homey things? It's impossible. I couldn't do it, it cost me my health. Why aren't these things being addressed more by women leaders? I have my theories, but will have to write on it later.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
more auditions
don't know, maybe cause I was up late last night, but today I've been so lethargic. All I accomplished was an interview and some monologue work. Well, yeah, that's something. I suppose there was more.......
been walking a lot, I'm obsessed. I can do it for hours and hours. I was on the Manhattan bridge but I started to freak, like what if this bridge fell? All those however millions of tons going into that nasty river and if I was on it......What would I do? Just the impact of the bridge hitting the water would bring me.....and whatever else into the it. I have this thing about heights and water anyhow. Then a chopper was flying right overhead.....low.....when that's happening it means there's something going on, big, like a crime. And for a second it looked like it would crash into the bridge, that's how low it was going. It came over me and I screamed, thinking for a second it'd hit. I guess that's leftover from 9/11.
my mother lives in Lower Manhattan, and I've spent a very big portion of my life in nyc below 23rd st. There was a fire there at the turn of the century, the triangle fire. All kinds of freaky stuff happened there. Actually that is all of nyc.
I have this swollen eyelid, too, not knowing where it came from.
yeah, I'm weird and getting weirder. I can't stop thinking about a particular thing, try though I may. I am obsessed with dance music and club life. I guess I should've gone to the complacent party. But there are many more opportunities. I can't sleep, as I'm a night person. Daylight makes me ill, and faint. Someone else suggested I try bartending. I'm a night person, but if I'm in a show it won't matter, unless it's at 3AM.
not only that but I've been having weird sexual thoughts or moral ones. I've been thinking about scarlett o hara and what dillemnas she faced, cause I could have been there too. I would feel guilt, there are some things I would avoid doing if I could. But I understand something else ......I've been far from sweet....I'll have to go into it another time. But I wish I knew what certain people were thinking or what it is they want. If I knew that, I'd be able to maybe help them. But I can't read them. I don't know what motivates anyone.....is it possible to?
been walking a lot, I'm obsessed. I can do it for hours and hours. I was on the Manhattan bridge but I started to freak, like what if this bridge fell? All those however millions of tons going into that nasty river and if I was on it......What would I do? Just the impact of the bridge hitting the water would bring me.....and whatever else into the it. I have this thing about heights and water anyhow. Then a chopper was flying right overhead.....low.....when that's happening it means there's something going on, big, like a crime. And for a second it looked like it would crash into the bridge, that's how low it was going. It came over me and I screamed, thinking for a second it'd hit. I guess that's leftover from 9/11.
my mother lives in Lower Manhattan, and I've spent a very big portion of my life in nyc below 23rd st. There was a fire there at the turn of the century, the triangle fire. All kinds of freaky stuff happened there. Actually that is all of nyc.
I have this swollen eyelid, too, not knowing where it came from.
yeah, I'm weird and getting weirder. I can't stop thinking about a particular thing, try though I may. I am obsessed with dance music and club life. I guess I should've gone to the complacent party. But there are many more opportunities. I can't sleep, as I'm a night person. Daylight makes me ill, and faint. Someone else suggested I try bartending. I'm a night person, but if I'm in a show it won't matter, unless it's at 3AM.
not only that but I've been having weird sexual thoughts or moral ones. I've been thinking about scarlett o hara and what dillemnas she faced, cause I could have been there too. I would feel guilt, there are some things I would avoid doing if I could. But I understand something else ......I've been far from sweet....I'll have to go into it another time. But I wish I knew what certain people were thinking or what it is they want. If I knew that, I'd be able to maybe help them. But I can't read them. I don't know what motivates anyone.....is it possible to?
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
goals
I have many. They're in my head. my b day is coming up.....I hate that. Well, it's in late july, but that's creeping in. But anyhow, I'll be older but the same, doing the same. So much time has gone by and some of it was spent well, but things didn't happen anything close to how I expected them to. I feel almost like I've wasted a year. But then again, I didn't. I made a lot of effort and some progress, perhaps a lot. But still IT hasn't happened....
I am going to stage my own reading of this verse play, I need two other actresses and a director. I have to find a rehearsal space and venue. This is all low budget of course. I would rather keep it small and among people I know rather than hold auditions. Anyway, I know something about the audition process. Today I went to one where all of a sudden it came up we're supposed to show our movement ability. I asked the proctor, do they want us to dance? I can cheer, I said. He said basically if it shows movement, do it. So I did a shakespearean monologue then a radical cheer, but I am so rusty I was tripping on myself and forgetting moves, but hopefully she didn't notice. The shakespearean monologue went well, as I've been telling myself to work on monologues every day regardless of what else is going on.
I am going to stage my own reading of this verse play, I need two other actresses and a director. I have to find a rehearsal space and venue. This is all low budget of course. I would rather keep it small and among people I know rather than hold auditions. Anyway, I know something about the audition process. Today I went to one where all of a sudden it came up we're supposed to show our movement ability. I asked the proctor, do they want us to dance? I can cheer, I said. He said basically if it shows movement, do it. So I did a shakespearean monologue then a radical cheer, but I am so rusty I was tripping on myself and forgetting moves, but hopefully she didn't notice. The shakespearean monologue went well, as I've been telling myself to work on monologues every day regardless of what else is going on.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
projects .......
a verse play, about women.....a real gothic sexy one.....been wanting to do that for a while
king lear, but set among the Irish gangs on the lower east side this time (someone else did it set among the Los Vegas mob, you know)
you can't steal my ideas! they're mine, and I have this blog to prove it
henry vi part one I do monologues from that play at auditions ....people have told me I'm right for the la pucelle character, I've seen pix of the London production but I want to do it more.....I don't know, I just didn't connect with what I saw, but anyway
I was thinking earlier today, you know, (I had to edit some of this, but I'll write about this elsewhere. I know it's going to offend some people) as a cheerleader, these people would follow us, take our pix, throw comments, some of them were nice. But others.....it got to be very jarring after a while. Then photographers jumping at us and taking pix up our skirts and at our boobs......
king lear, but set among the Irish gangs on the lower east side this time (someone else did it set among the Los Vegas mob, you know)
you can't steal my ideas! they're mine, and I have this blog to prove it
henry vi part one I do monologues from that play at auditions ....people have told me I'm right for the la pucelle character, I've seen pix of the London production but I want to do it more.....I don't know, I just didn't connect with what I saw, but anyway
I was thinking earlier today, you know, (I had to edit some of this, but I'll write about this elsewhere. I know it's going to offend some people) as a cheerleader, these people would follow us, take our pix, throw comments, some of them were nice. But others.....it got to be very jarring after a while. Then photographers jumping at us and taking pix up our skirts and at our boobs......
Friday, May 13, 2005
music again!
it's so great to hear it.....been deprived of comps for a week, xcept for cyber cafes. In a way, it's good. I mean, I can't have a relationship with a machine....or have it turn into hal in 2001 space odessey. I went out, saw the trees, the sun, walked across the bridge, read, walked some more, met some people....had a mixed experience.
I want to start my own consciousness raising group too.....been frustrated with the feminist groups I've gone to. Some of them left me feeling so.....it's hard to say. But I kept thinking there was something "wrong" and can't shake that feeling and it really eats at me. ......but I think there's potential to uncover some fascinating stuff. I feel like so many women I know have a lot to say, something burning to express, but they're not saying it. And it's a hard thing to live with, because you got interested but then suddenly the door is shut again. I am realizing how many women have experiences like mine, but anyhow.....just wonder where I fit into this world, and the women in my life....well, I'll have to go into this somewhere else.
On another note, I just finished Jane Smiley's 1000 Acres and loved it! I want to see the film again.
I want to start my own consciousness raising group too.....been frustrated with the feminist groups I've gone to. Some of them left me feeling so.....it's hard to say. But I kept thinking there was something "wrong" and can't shake that feeling and it really eats at me. ......but I think there's potential to uncover some fascinating stuff. I feel like so many women I know have a lot to say, something burning to express, but they're not saying it. And it's a hard thing to live with, because you got interested but then suddenly the door is shut again. I am realizing how many women have experiences like mine, but anyhow.....just wonder where I fit into this world, and the women in my life....well, I'll have to go into this somewhere else.
On another note, I just finished Jane Smiley's 1000 Acres and loved it! I want to see the film again.
Monday, May 09, 2005
this weekend
I have more to write, some time. I have been.....it's monday now? quite a lot happened. I can't say I've always made the right choices. I think I've made some wrong ones. I believe results happen, will happen, but not immediately. I know because that's how it always worked in the past. It'll happen next year. But I don't have til next year. I have stuff that needs attention now. And it's the now, the that I'm dealing with. I don't know if I made the right choice this weekend. The thing is, you don't know who's good and who's not.....at first, maybe ever. you don't know anyone's intentions. I wish, hope people's intentions are good. you put your trust in someone, you give them a chance, but the rest is up to them.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
things that irritate me
gum chewing
people walking too close right behind me
car horns
intense staring, particularly when I'm preoccupied
people walking into me
groups of people (usually out of towners) taking up the whole sidewalk and not letting others through
all over the place at this part time gig in brooklyn. Possibly something in manhattan tomorrow. not feeling too good........for reasons I won't go into here. I'm dealing with a lot now. It looks like I won't go to indy after all. just not the right time.
people walking too close right behind me
car horns
intense staring, particularly when I'm preoccupied
people walking into me
groups of people (usually out of towners) taking up the whole sidewalk and not letting others through
all over the place at this part time gig in brooklyn. Possibly something in manhattan tomorrow. not feeling too good........for reasons I won't go into here. I'm dealing with a lot now. It looks like I won't go to indy after all. just not the right time.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
hmmmm.......if I dare post this. This is me being baaaaadddddd but.....I have mixed feelings about this pic. I'm in sneakers most of the day and glasses. I sometimes get creative with pics. The red stockings are a tribute to the feminist group redstockings. So that's the irony......get it? I wasn't going to publish this but......well....
Monday, May 02, 2005
more interviews......but hope...hope....hope
I'll at least have a job and be able to pay my rent. I've subbed my place for a week and will stay at mom's I have 3 possible jobs but as usual, no make that 4, but it's all up in the air. Up in the air. Then the possibility of Berlin. I'll finally have the comfort of security but I'll be thinking what I've wanted to do for so long, what I thought I'd be doing, living in Berlin or London, learning to speak fluent German. Going to more places, back to Egypt, Israel, Tanzania, South Africa.......but I'm attached to my apt and kitties I'm so divided....I wish I could be two people: one in my apt and job in Brooklyn and another off everywhere. I wish I had someone to support me and pay my bills while I become an artist......anyone? Sure, you're welcome to.
my computer at home is fucked up so I'm working on G's laptop. I'm supposed to go to Indy but don't know if it's gonna work: it may not. I'd be able to go to Atlanta....doesn't sound like much but I'have that wanderlust.
my computer at home is fucked up so I'm working on G's laptop. I'm supposed to go to Indy but don't know if it's gonna work: it may not. I'd be able to go to Atlanta....doesn't sound like much but I'have that wanderlust.
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