so this is the missing link in my life.....

This must have been written on my birthday for a reason... I have always been an insomniac.

Melatonin and blood

Winter, get used to it

This is only the beginning. Maybe it's the fact that Monday this week was Blue Monday, or other things in my life, but everything is so dark, bleak and empty. It feels like there's no one around, even though this is the city and people are everywhere. A part of me wants to be away from people because at times I can't take them, anyone, but another part of me wants not to be alone.....but I go one way then another. At times, I wish I were alone in the woods, like when I run early in the day. I wish it were just trees, squirrels, fresh air and me. But I'm not far off. I have Fort Greene Park, Central Park, and this neighborhood is really beautiful in the snow. Christmas is over, yet it is still here because people keep their lights up, and the coffee shop across the street keeps theirs. It reminds me of where I come from, the Midwest, where it always snows on xmas without fail and it's an unquestioned ritual....the whole family get together thing. Cheesy maybe to some, but it really was good to see everyone and a positive experience....at one point my mother got mad at my sister and me because we wanted to go to Midnight Mass (actually, I was dragged there) and was screaming NO respectable woman is out at this time of year at night...there's no one out there but thugs! But we went and it was worth it--to the church downtown near Trinity. And I don't see my family enough. That's how I come to appreciate these small good things. They sustain me.
Don't get me wrong--it's not like I live my life like a hermit with no friends or that I'm always anti social. I have some great people around me. I'm social--sometimes. But there is not enough privacy. Maybe I should take up this guy's offer to visit his place in New Hampshire. I mean it's winter, might as well go the whole nine yards. I don't like the cold but it's a fact of life, you know? Might as well get used to it. I remember I met this girl from Siberia once who said the coldest day in NYC is the warmest day there--my friend said yeah they go out in shorts.

And yes, it's cold. I have cats who I let in the back yard--but I'm still on the third floor and the entrance to the back is blocked off by the jerks who run this place, so I have to go around to this basketball court to feed them and I try to bring them inside--like today I came home in a panic because it was freezing and dark and I might as well have been on the moon--at 3:30 AM--yes, my hours are crazy--but out they came, running toward me for food--and I went out later to get them in but they didn't want to come in. My one cat rolls around in the snow. Their coats are super thick. I have non stop anxiety about them--but I am reassured when people tell me cats are hardy and fur is ultra warm. It's amazing how they survive--I've seen the feral cats around here walking around in blizzards--really cute--they stepped through the snow very gracefully, like ballet dancers. They're nocturnal. Good. Because it's so bleak now. I prefer summer but I'm making myself sustain this.

so long

So much has been happening and really all I do is work....argh! But just an overview: I went to Chicago for the first time in ages and really loved it.....but my trip was cut short. Problems with the cats and illness. Next time, I may go farther and not return. What is there here, really? I need a change; among other things, a new apartment.