so....

have been going through a lot. I've been taking bikram yoga classes which are exhausting but changing everything, slowly, for me. Relationships are in me, also. All is. There's been a great deal out there that is .....well......

I'm changing my inner/outer attitude. It's nothing new.

new words....

take my heart
it's yours
the world
take all my love
don't lose
don't lie

this gift of mine
it's yours
it's the world's
it's yours
take this of mine
let it be forever
it's yours
all yours

essex st, cont'd

so I know a lot of people have been waiting for the next in this sequence:

so.....where did I leave off?

I'm out the door. The street. Freedom. I didn't die. I'm out in the world. In safety. I had watched relentlessly the documentary on Joel Rifkin and ......you just never know. You take every precaution, and absolutely this job is not for the reckless, self destructive or anyone carrying religious or sexual hang ups from childhood. But no matter how smart or careful you are there's always a chance of anything, life carries no guarantees. But you have to take risks once in a while.

I'm a little disoriented.....so......where do I go? There's a bar next door. Why do I choose to go right there where I can be found.....and not just get the fuck out of there? Well, what can he do anyhow?


I think I'm in this place, a nice enough one, clean and airy. I step out, for some reason, and this guy's building is right next door. I look up at the window, why not sure. Look down. Down again. There are two used condoms .......different colors?on the ground. I jump back. It couldn't be.....did he throw those out the window? I had had vodka and OJ there which to his credit he was nice enough to give me. I had blow on me, an extravagance, you know, I shouldn't but I have my excuses.

So....this place has two floors. I head upstairs. Order a drink....wine? I have to have something. A guy approaches me, a frat type. He seems pretty decent, and we start a conversation. I wonder if I should.....but something in me doesn't or won't. We end up talking for half an hour or so......
he invites me to his place with some friends of his. We go downstairs......ugh....is this boring? Oh...so on and on......I'm getting back into life, my adrenaline back down. All is sort of normal, again. As this guy and I get downstairs, in the crowd, I see him, from upstairs. He came back. He's coming toward me. "I knew I'd find you here...." "Is this....someone you know or just some weirdo...." asks my friend. "He's um, I met him before...." I say.

So....now I'm feeling the effects of what I had. Somehow I have to get on the train and go back home.....this is the hazard of living in brooklyn, dealing with the L train and the G. It became a city by itself, in the winter, with hordes of people sitting there waiting, and the guitar player I would always see. I knew him from a play he'd been in.


TBC.....



freedom = mercy = freedom = mercy = freedom =

mercy freedom

and summer will come......

coming back, has to.......

and with it the sun.....

A dream last night. Me, ---- and a woman. She is in the shape of these Egyptian statues, sitting upright, her profile. We're by a lake, night time. There's a boat, she's sitting on it. He says, there's only room for two people, you can go across the river with her. I look over....she's dead. I wake up.

essex st, cont'd

we are in his apt....a decent enough place....what did he say he did? "That's me and Caroline Kennedy," he says pointing at a picture on the wall of her, many years ago, with a man who may have been him 35 years ago. Currently he....how can I be kind? I ....his face reminds me of a Picasso painting, split in half. "I used to screw her," he says. My mother met her, as well. I'm thinking how ironic it is, how few degrees of separation are between three or four people.



On and on. "I cum...I cum....uh....I gonna cum......" he must have drunk an entire bottle of vodka. "I gonna cum...." it's getting harder and harder to be civil.

Ok, this isn't nice......I finally jumped up, threw on my panties and clothes....I don't remember what I said....."Sorry but I have to go....." I'm thinking he could attack me too. There's the door, I'm thinking. Run.

And I do. I get to the door, open it, and get out. Step number one. Down the stairs. It must be....six flights? An endless spiral down, down, it doesn't end. I look up to see if he's behind me. No. I'm getting out, I think. I'm getting out. I'm getting out. The stairs go on forever, it seems.

Then there's the door. I run to the door, open it, and there's the street. Freedom. I was lucky with this one.

I go into a bar....what am I doing? I need a drink or something.

essex st continued

excuse that this is a rough draft.....

so what IS the solution? all those gorgeous songs didn't save these people's relationships. They all went from one fuck up to another. I don't want to be them. Is there no way out? you're with someone then it's over? what is there? who to turn to? it can't be hopeless. the woman said I'd repeat the same situation til I resolve what's in me. Makes sense. THAT is the tough, but the simple part. Being afraid, in my head......I'm my only enemy. Is there someone out there with ill will? Even if the answer is finally no, of course I'd like to find out. What do I have to do?

No, I don't want to be going through a string of bad situations like so many people. I have family in the Midwest, though they're of a different generation, who have been together for at least three decades or more. It's hard to imagine. To think we'll be old and wrinkled......depressing. And what is there to look forward to? To get old and frumpy.....it doesn't HAVE to happen. Remember Scarlett telling Rhett she refused to get old and fat before her time? But that level of love, lust, and jealousy......to have that with someone. To only experience that once.....


so.....digressing.

FICTION FICTION

I pray. I do. Shameful. But there's the way things should be and the way things are. Even V said love don't pay my bills. This is only temporary, I say. There must be.....ask and you shall receive. It must be out there. I'd bought this coke even....I always tell myself I shouldn't and I shouldn't. But I did, I have it.

I'm out there. Someone steps out of a building. It's an older guy....he looks right at me. Hi, he says. This may be it, I'm thinking. It's easier than I thought.


ok ok we go up to his place. Of course, going into a stranger's apt, there's always the thought that anything can happen to you. Any minute I could be attacked. And who will ......everyone will think, she was a whore, on drugs, she was down and out, nearly a non person. And I don't KNOW any hookers, that's the ironic thing. I'm not close to any. The ones I did meet were cool people though.