huh. yawn. boring blogs

I can't believe how many uninteresting people are in the world. I've gone through one blog after another with a slew of shallow posts, like "Hey James, you remember this one?" Or.....oh who knows? Random pictures or just.....what am I looking for? I so badly want to connect with someone and I'm not, it's not happening. Maybe I just need food.

I got sunburned at the protest, I'm like a lobster.

cheering and protests

Today there was another anti war march and I was with the radical cheerleaders. Hours of jumping, stomping and screaming: cheering just never gets boring, but I am exhausted. My tongue feels on fire, I'm endlessly thirsty, my legs ache......but all in a good way.

But these left movements really need a jump start. It's like morale was drained when Bush won a second term: but even if Kerry had won the battle is far from over. There's a line in the film I Was a Teenage Feminist: one of the women says, you have to always defend your freedom or it slips away; it just does. I'm glad it got warm because I went to an even worse protest a year ago when it was chilly out: so it was sunny, great, but these activists need to realize in order to get people to listen to you sometimes you do need to be colorful. You need to protest creatively, or else it's just strident. I know, I'm harsh, but there you are.


Now, my task is making some money. I'm poor and freaking out. I made all this money then spent it. Where did all my money go, my beautiful money? Anybody have some?

movies, movies

I rented a bunch this week and the ones that stand out for me are, again, Choses Secretes or Secret Things in English. G pronounces it like "cho checret" and says, "Laura's favorite movie." Also, "La Ceremonie." I'm obsessed with French film....what exactly is it?

So everyone has these sort of goals or things they want to accomplish in the next year, although I wish I could do it all tomorrow. For me, here's my list:

read more philosophy, like Sartre, Heidegger; possibly enroll in school again.

get the interpretations for my Magi software

get my production up there, but of course all at a favorable time

improve my cheering

better cheer costumes

learn to speak fluent French and German but of course that means living in France or Germany.


Send out all my marketing acting stuff on time and do it right, stop "forgetting" or "not having time."

Naturally, improve acting

Get into SAG, or course and really get this going: I'm guilty, slap me, of being lazy and procrastinating with my acting career.

go and live abroad: places of choice: Alexandria, Egypt; LA; Cape Town; New York (though I'm already here); Berlin (maybe not the MOST exciting city but I love the German language and I'm so rusty now); Paris (I know it's not for everyone and there are problems but I fall in love when I'm there: I love Notre Dame, Austerlitz and the Left Bank in general.....and the Metro....I mean I really dig their train stations. OK: this is what's cool: when the train goes underground to Iles de la Cite, where Notre Dame is, it actually echoes. Before it was a church that island was some kind of sacred pagan spot, but anyway I'm digressing. Plus Montemarte I love it there, too); and Miami or some place warm; and finally Colombia (it has a bad reputation but I know people living there). For now, that about sums it up. Oh, also, the Indian sites in Mexico and Peru.

spring and cheering

I was going over some of the radical cheers I do and was filled with this sense of ......maybe it sounds cheesy, but I felt like, yeah! This is what I'm meant to do: perform. I was going over my monologues and I realize I was born to perform (kind of an awkward phrase, but true) and I'll be with the radical cheerleaders and hollaback nyc I think and I'm....I just know this is so right, somehow.

but also I'm thinking of what I read about the British Suffragettes.....and how they'd throw rocks through windows that had "Votes for Women" written on them. Even though they were a little nutty I admire that kind of spirit in someone, in a movement. A guy friend I told that to said, "Well, when people really believe in a cause they need to express it." Under the current system, they'd be considered terrorists and in their day they were locked up and force fed.

Blast in Dahab, Egypt

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060424/ap_on_re_mi_ea/egypt_resort_blasts_19;_ylt=AtoSdYds6VyHEE_sDnaibsfFCBEB;_ylu=X3oDMTBiMW04NW9mBHNlYwMlJVRPUCUl


I'm really shaken by this because I was there a year and a half ago; that same resort. We were all told Egypt is safe; and the whole time I was there there were no shakeups. The most that happened was when I was in Jerusalem I was sitting in a pizza shop with a companion, then we all heard a loud noise. My friend said, that sounds like a bomb. All these people were running down the street that was earlier like any hangout, anywhere. It turned out to be a false alarm, but my friend said people are nervous.

First the ferry sunk in the red sea, now this. It's still unlikely you'll be caught in something like this, but life carries no guarantees. I really thought stuff like this didn't happen in Egypt, though...but duh, it did in Taba, where I also was. I took a taxi alone through the Sinai which was a really profound experience.....but we passed Taba and it was like a ghost town; I mean there was nothing, really....just empty buildings and hotels. Still, you get passionate attachments to certain places, and situations. What is the hold this place has on me? I don't even read the papers, I'm not interested in war or what ammendments get passed through Congress on any given day. I know, I"m self-involved.

more on going out

I've been reading more blogs on street harassment which is being called "eve teasing." I think it's awesome that all these things are turning up and this topic is being discussed. I object to the term "eve teasing" cause I think it's too mild. There's a really ugly, negative and aggressive element to the way men prey on women in public spaces. They say it's to meet women, but I think really, as someone else said, it's a way of asserting their power. Really sick. It's usually women or girls who are innocent-looking, and I think it's more especially....well I don't know....but I'm thinking being blond intensifies it, though it happens to women from all backgrounds. But even more, I'm still shocked, in a way, of how we're subtly told we should feel grateful for this attention. Like depend on it.....

dreams

I am in a hotel room or something, and Garrett is near me. I realize I wrote a bunch of stuff about him in my diary and left it for him to find. I don't hear from him, and get the feeling he's mad at me, so I call him on my cell, and he starts repeating to me what I wrote about him in my diary. I'm thinking, fuck, now he hates me. But eventually I see him, and we're at some rehearsal or something, with clowns, and we slowly reconcile. Then, I'm getting on the "subway" to go to Brooklyn, but I get lost in the station. I end up on this train line that's actually a boat ride (I have had this dream before) kind of like a roller coaster, and I get dizzy on them. But I'm thinking, it'll be nice to take a boat. So it starts going along the tracks....but then I was woken up.

The night before, I dreamt I was in school, like my elementary school, and this person I know in law school started hitting the professor, or something, and I get scared and run out of there. I'm driving this car my mother had back when I was a kid.

condoms

Are a must. I can't tell you how many times it's been a struggle to either have a condom at crucial moment or how many times guys put up an argument. At this feminist meeting I went to we were handed these flyers that said getting guys to use condoms is a POLITICAL issue, not a personal problem. I am constantly hearing, "It's not as imtimate, it's bullshit, I don't like them...." I mean, how bad is it really? I also don't want an abortion or to have to go back to the clinic to get tested.

So I end up being deprived of pleasure and fun because of this. In the past I gave in, but then I'd be freaked out wondering if I caught anything or was pregnant. I took an HIV test this winter and don't want to go through that again. I've been tested four times and that's enough for me.

hollaback

http://hollabacknyc.blogspot.com

This is an awesome Web site that deals with guys who invade your precious space on the streets. I started taking pix of harassers with my cell phone camera as well. It's so empowering!

I have some issues with Street Harassment "Coalition" but this is a good site that I just mentioned.

Bad girls at the office

This girl I know was telling me and another girl how someone at her job was posting nude pix of herself on Craig's List to rent herself out. At the office, of all places. It's kind of funny in a way. I mean, I understand why she's doing it; because she probably can't live on her salary. I only wish I had known I could do that at my job, though I'd probably have been fired were I caught. Or maybe my boss would have offered me under the table $. Go for it. No I shouldn't say that.

cupid

Saw this weird play today about Cupid, Aphrodite and Psyche. I'm willing to consider the "old" religion; that of gods and goddesses. Polytheism. Though some of it seems over the top to me. But why shouldn't God/dess be many people? A professor once told the class (a she professor) that in spite of all her lessons on goddess worship and Mother Earth and all these alternative religions she still sees God/dess as God the Father, the man in the sky.


As it was I decided to get in the spirit of things and I did draw the shades for Good Friday. It was, I think, a pagan holiday prior to. It's kind of weird though how it rained on Good Friday and was sunny on Easter. Kind of freaky, huh?

Anyhow, I'm really glad the holidays are over, and my period as well.


I figured out how to use the menstrual cup....yay! first time for everything. It's much better than pads and tampons.

NYC culture, 24 hours

I'm sitting in another inet cafe after going to see this writer, Michelle Tea, read. This crowd was "downtown" "activist" and I even knew one of the women, who wouldn't look at or say hi to me. This was a dyke crowd and everyone was "radical" looking, by far more than I do. I don't have tattoos, my hair will never be straight, and I'm not a lesbian....although I love Bluestockings and think they're a great store. But I left there feeling depressed, although my instinct told me to buy one of the author's books so I bought "Rent Girl." I didn't ask her to sign it, I guess cause I'm shy and feel bizarre asking people for that. Maybe it's me, but the crowd alienated me and I wanted to leave. I did buy the book and a Diva Cup, a menstruation alternative, which I've tried to put in me but it just got jammed, and I'm thinking, I spent forty bucks for this and I'm fucked....as it practically split me in half....although I'll hopefully get it soon enough.

I'm not here to get you off, rather WE'RE not

I am really sick of these creepy guys in public spaces, or anywhere, constantly preying on any attractive female in their sight. I'm so pissed, actually. I have written about this before, but sometimes I get depressed and wonder if it's hopeless, but it's not.....

I have confronted guys who preyed on me too much in the street: and sometimes it was scary cause they would threaten me. I don't know if that's the solution or not...because I learned that I'm not going to educate them. But what is, then? I don't think just doing nothing is the solution either. I need to really meditate on this subject, but what I've read about it is so boring. No, they don't say, "Do fries come with that shake?" That kind of isn't the point; I don't know, it just seems really pat to me. It's more like I'm being turned into an object or a victim and want to just be me, left alone. Is that too much to ask? Apparently.

choices, or don't force your values on me

I'm a hippie earth mother at heart. I really have been thinking about it a lot and I'm feeling guilty that all these animals are suffering and I'm spending money on things for myself. I want nice things as much as anyone, but as far as priorities go....I really want to help cats and other small furry creatures. Sometimes, as a working girl, you have to make choices: plane tickets, bags, animals....one or the other. I chose to spend money on a plane ticket and hotel room, and travel can be scary. But I live in NYC and here every time you turn around there's someone in a million dollar outfit and there are designer stores everywhere. I don't know, I'm not saying it's bad. But it's kind of sick: that some people have that luxury to spend in a day what some people make in 6 months. To me, that isn't right. I don't believe in the 9to 5 life, or this system. But I feel like I"m the only one. Maybe I should leave this country. When you're 24, your whole life shouldn't be your job. Or kids or a house. You should be traveling, making art, all these things like the people I met while traveling. My generation just had different priorities.

Well I have more to say on this but I feel like this will be really edgy. But I don't believe in the 9 to 5 life and I don't believe that there's virtue in working what are really menial office jobs; all the stuff I was raised to believe is "right." It was drilled into me nonstop growing up 9 to 5 life is right like .....well I'll end that here.

male aggression and attention on the street

I used to belong to this group the Street Harassment Project. Anyway, long story short, there was too much infighting and ugliness and I left....but more than that...it's weird but I felt so dissatisfied with how it went. Even groups like Vagina Dentata though I admire them, I'm just bothered by it as well. I have mixed feelings about our counter harassment parties because on one hand I support them but on the other I don't know if that was the right approach. Some of the men were not really that harmful; some were worse than others. But I got something last night from a guy who basically just jumped in my face and started talking/yelling at me, trying to start a conversation, when I think I made enough body language to show I wasn't interested in one. I see these guys jumping on women, usually young, attractive ones, like they're prey, like they have this sense of entitlement, to another person's bodily space and life. I walk down the street and constantly have to dodge these guys who walk really close behind me, too close. So I see street harassment as another form of male domination anyhow.....

Maybe I don't know the solution.....maybe beating them up is. Why ...that's the key, why do men feel this entitlement to a woman's body? I also know that in different cultures personal space varies. I'm not used to too much eye contact, physical closeness or friendliness from strangers and I don't know why it bothers me so much. Some people say it's NEw York but I was raised in the Midwest. Some people don't .....a person should be given the respect that maybe they don't want to be bothered. Maybe they're in a bad mood and don't want to be....really pounced on.

a strange email

just in case you all ahve been living in a hole in the ground i am in iraq. im going 2 days with out sleep. just finished writing about my whole life family girls i dated and so on. to get a new job. its the only time im allowed to go online. myspace has been blocked. the best way to get intouch with me is to write to me it takes a few days but it is still faster than me checking my emails. ill be home from christmas or so they say they have already started asking for volunteers to stay another year. each day feels like a week time is going so slow it feels like it is going in reverse.
its crazy i see explosions and gun fights everyday i just havent been shot at yet i think everyone in my unit execpt me was shot at and its only week two. just incase you didnt get my address it is


If im lucky i get 5 hours of sleep its non stop work running around setting up onthing or another. im more worried of being attacked by giant spiders than i am of the enemy these are crazy ive seen a spider eat a mouse and i wake up next to me everyday. they are the size of my palm and everyone says they are babies they get alot bigger
you better write and send care packages like pictures and burned cds are always good. looking foward to getting some mail from you. remember no mail days are sad days
David
David


This is someone I worked with...who just wrote me out of the blue. I'm suprised he even remembers me......I'm just a little wierded out by this, but moved.

my former activism, like street harassment

I was just at a feminist meeting today, and .....long story short, we've been confronted with problems of people disagreeing on topics and division and infighting in "left" groups which has in some cases gotten out of control. I find it strange how when I was involved with the street harassment project we told stories of everyday encounters, and people began vehemently objecting to them, or wanting more "action-oriented" meetings and less consciousness-raising, or what seemed to them like a kind of hand-holding. Now, some of these same people have gone full circle and are putting up Web sites devoted specifically to stories. Also, there are people wanting to take counter harassment parties to clubs (my original idea, which they opposed a few years ago). There is a lot more to it than this, but at least I can say I've learned from my mistakes. Don't spill your guts to the world and expect them to be grateful or understanding.

time

I've been working a lot and running around and I really am longing for some time just for me. So now I think I'll take that. I know I need to get out and do the culture stuff and work, which is endless, right now, but I just want to watch a movie with a glass of wine and my cats. I'm so sick of the craziness, people who are flaky or have an agenda or an oversized ego ect ect I've been dealing with these types all week. I am not speaking to my mother who tries to force me to live her ideal way of life which isn't mine. I've been going out every night and it's fun but very tiring. Right now I just need to focus on Laura and she needs rest, or else she will be a naughty girl. I will veg out with another French film, or Kill Bill, which I recently watched (I SO love that film).....or....I don't know. After dealing with Dept. of Homeland Security handling my.....extremely personal items.... a couple days ago, I need some peace and quiet. And there's precious little in these circles.

I'm reading Kathy Acker now also, so maybe I'll just do that. She's not completely my style, although I understand a lot of where she's coming from.