I was supposed to go to Indianapolis for two weeks. The ticket was bought. First of all, I got called in for an interview so that may mean work, soon, which I need. Now, Dad, who I'm supposed to visit, thinks that is too long. Everything is up in the air and oh........what can I do??????
I walked across the bridge today and bought a shirt and some shoes. I was hoping to go see Felix da Housecat but it's raining bleh.....plus the admission is way exp. I had a friend who did the guest list but I lost the fucking number. Decisions, decisions.......
I read this book that said, money is energy, do what you want, the money will follow. Follow your bliss, the money will come. Hmmmmm........create art, which is energy.....I am a big fan of FDH....and last time I bailed on seeing a DJ I came to regret it. I had been walking around again in the rain in high heels in Dumbo and I started hating him, actually, cause I was cold and wet and uncomfortable. I started to go.....but like a skittish cat I ran off and decided not to. THen, I regretted it.
One good thing: if I go to Indy I'll be stopping in Atlanta. Well, it's somewhere! Whatever. It'll nice to be down south again.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
my life......what's next?
So many changes have happened to me in the past year. I left my job of four years which at the time I was desperate to get out of, then traveled to the Middle East and met people from all over the world....saw how completely differently people live elsewhere. I took a great deal of time for myself which I needed, went on long bike rides, went to the park.....all these things I could not do when I was working every day. Oh, and I slept. I never slept enough when I had that job.
but....back to reality now. I was naive about so many things. People I know are leaving their jobs and I wish them well....but if I'd known then what I know now I'd have done many things differently. I traveled but not as much as I'd wanted to, and now I have to get back to it..... Plus I had no idea of what I'd be dealing with, as well. I want so much to leave this country because I know I don't belong here.....but for now I have to stay. My friend told me about something I can do in Berlin. If it works out, I will take the job, but that also means leaving life as I know it. Berlin is a nice city to live in, though: it's safe, fairly nice, not too expensive, and most of the people are cool. Plus, it's closer to the other places I want to go to. But change is hard. And regardless I'll still have to work, and a lot. But if I have kids I want to raise them in Europe.
but....back to reality now. I was naive about so many things. People I know are leaving their jobs and I wish them well....but if I'd known then what I know now I'd have done many things differently. I traveled but not as much as I'd wanted to, and now I have to get back to it..... Plus I had no idea of what I'd be dealing with, as well. I want so much to leave this country because I know I don't belong here.....but for now I have to stay. My friend told me about something I can do in Berlin. If it works out, I will take the job, but that also means leaving life as I know it. Berlin is a nice city to live in, though: it's safe, fairly nice, not too expensive, and most of the people are cool. Plus, it's closer to the other places I want to go to. But change is hard. And regardless I'll still have to work, and a lot. But if I have kids I want to raise them in Europe.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
shopping.....and.........?????
I went to the grocery store today and got what I'd make lunch with: some pasta sauce, brie, bread, soy milk, butter substitute (new experiment).....in the Pratt store. The music at these places (me being a music person) is really cheesy, chatty and upbeat.....not what I normally listen to. It'll be a while before I start really cooking although I love to bake: pies, cookies, cake. Helathier stuff, though.
I have a friend who, many years ago, was married to the lead singer of a skinhead band. I was her best friend at the time. She really is a sweet, golden human being...and considering how she was raised she could have been a monster. I'll have to write about this more in depth somewhere else, but if you've ever had a time in your life where you're so raw, so thin skinned, and your life is peaking in intensity: well this was one of those moments for me. I went from high to low pretty fast, and back again, but it's these events that shape a person. My friend, Alex, was gorgeous, smart and funny, but for whatever reason she ended up with, well to be honest, he was a little like Stanley Kuwalski; however, he did have brains and talent, he wasn't just a thug, to his credit. So, they met and he fell in love with her, they allegedly had great sex, and he proposed......and on Sept. 11th (way before the 9/11/01.....this was a completely different era) they wed at city hall, actually in Lower Manhattan. I was there, too. But, her mother was on drugs and insane, he too was doing dust, he turned out to be psychotic and though he didn't beat her up or anything, he was very borderline. Well, uh, is that a surprise? He died a few years ago of alleged pneumonia, not to mention that he caused severe damage in Alex's life. She left after about a month and a half but they never divorced; they just stopped talking. The only way she knew of his death is because....OK this is what's weird: I was waiting to audition somewhere in the city when I picked up a local zine, and there was his picture. Then, it said he died. I was pretty freaked by that. Then, Alex called me a day or so later and said she was coming to town, and I thought that was the reason. But when she got into the city she asked if I'd heard what happened to him and that's when I told her, haven't you heard? He's dead. And she actually laughed and said, I'm free! She was joking about it....well, she actually was involved with someone else by then. But she never contacted his family. Then a few years later she remarried, and has a kid now. But she still talks about him, dreams about him. She said he's the best sex she ever had. Very strange.....I don't think I've ever had a connection like that with anyone. Just to have that intense a bond with someone: well, I have, but it didn't last. I never forgot those people but when it happened I was, what, 17? What could I or they have to contribute to a relationship? But I keep hoping it'll happen again, although I want it to last, of course. They were just precious few moments in my life where I was living really intensely, but in an emotional way that almost did me in. But, at least I learned from the experience. All the meditation I did and writing, that's what led me to the.....stuff I got involved in.
SO....the earlier teen years....in junior high, being...well, the constant pressure, even then when we were fourteen, to be pretty, well, always, really, a kind of sex object. Well, OK, looks count. Clothes and shoes matter. In high school you had to dress well, have the right shoes, the right jewelry and jacket, and even the poor kids who could barely afford to eat looked good. going to a high school and being in an environment where you were supposed to contemplate suicide if you didn't get accepted into an Ivy League school...living in Lower Manhattan with high maintenance people....discovering punk, anarchists, vegans, not bathing, hanging out with the hippies, not going home, refusing to be....well....then going to one school where I discovered acting, moving to Chicago.....I wasn't much of a scholar. It's just not what I was meant to do. Then....later I went back to school when I realized I didn't want to spend my life working in a grocery store, thank you very much. Plus, the school had a good drama department. So, my mother's husband and his friends may faint at the idea of my going to Hunter instead of Dartmouth but....I don't know....realistically, you do have to live. The way they're pushing my sister: I mean, maybe she is academic, but I don't see it, honestly. I am NOT saying she's not smart, but I just don't see her as particularly studious or scholarly. I think if she really wanted to go to an Ivy League school she'd have gotten in. And even then, I've been in the work force and they care far more about your experience and ability to do the job than about what school you went to: unless you're going to be a stock broker or lawyer or doctor. But I do think she's better off in California...but Mother and her husband were insulted and thought I was saying she's a bimbo. I'm not saying that. USC is not that bad a school from what I know, and realistically Sam (my sister) it seems is into partying on the beach.....well, of course that's not all she or anyone wants, I know, but that IS where she gravitates, it seems. I believe she is smart and has lots of potential.....but no one has asked her what SHE wants, I don't think. Maybe I'm wrong and she really does want to be a lawyer. Then great. I believe when I have kids I will support them in whatever they want to do...I mean, hopefully they won't want to be serial killers or or to drop boms, but I'll do my best to make sure they don't end up that way. There's nothing wrong with that, but she's not a "leftist" which is what I gather U or M is like....or a sorority type like this other college she may be going to. If it was my kid I'd spend the money on her travelling the world and then send her to a state school. My opinion, but I think Ivy League is a waste of money if you're not rich and not planning to become a doctor or lawyer. ANyhow, just my $.02.
I have a friend who, many years ago, was married to the lead singer of a skinhead band. I was her best friend at the time. She really is a sweet, golden human being...and considering how she was raised she could have been a monster. I'll have to write about this more in depth somewhere else, but if you've ever had a time in your life where you're so raw, so thin skinned, and your life is peaking in intensity: well this was one of those moments for me. I went from high to low pretty fast, and back again, but it's these events that shape a person. My friend, Alex, was gorgeous, smart and funny, but for whatever reason she ended up with, well to be honest, he was a little like Stanley Kuwalski; however, he did have brains and talent, he wasn't just a thug, to his credit. So, they met and he fell in love with her, they allegedly had great sex, and he proposed......and on Sept. 11th (way before the 9/11/01.....this was a completely different era) they wed at city hall, actually in Lower Manhattan. I was there, too. But, her mother was on drugs and insane, he too was doing dust, he turned out to be psychotic and though he didn't beat her up or anything, he was very borderline. Well, uh, is that a surprise? He died a few years ago of alleged pneumonia, not to mention that he caused severe damage in Alex's life. She left after about a month and a half but they never divorced; they just stopped talking. The only way she knew of his death is because....OK this is what's weird: I was waiting to audition somewhere in the city when I picked up a local zine, and there was his picture. Then, it said he died. I was pretty freaked by that. Then, Alex called me a day or so later and said she was coming to town, and I thought that was the reason. But when she got into the city she asked if I'd heard what happened to him and that's when I told her, haven't you heard? He's dead. And she actually laughed and said, I'm free! She was joking about it....well, she actually was involved with someone else by then. But she never contacted his family. Then a few years later she remarried, and has a kid now. But she still talks about him, dreams about him. She said he's the best sex she ever had. Very strange.....I don't think I've ever had a connection like that with anyone. Just to have that intense a bond with someone: well, I have, but it didn't last. I never forgot those people but when it happened I was, what, 17? What could I or they have to contribute to a relationship? But I keep hoping it'll happen again, although I want it to last, of course. They were just precious few moments in my life where I was living really intensely, but in an emotional way that almost did me in. But, at least I learned from the experience. All the meditation I did and writing, that's what led me to the.....stuff I got involved in.
SO....the earlier teen years....in junior high, being...well, the constant pressure, even then when we were fourteen, to be pretty, well, always, really, a kind of sex object. Well, OK, looks count. Clothes and shoes matter. In high school you had to dress well, have the right shoes, the right jewelry and jacket, and even the poor kids who could barely afford to eat looked good. going to a high school and being in an environment where you were supposed to contemplate suicide if you didn't get accepted into an Ivy League school...living in Lower Manhattan with high maintenance people....discovering punk, anarchists, vegans, not bathing, hanging out with the hippies, not going home, refusing to be....well....then going to one school where I discovered acting, moving to Chicago.....I wasn't much of a scholar. It's just not what I was meant to do. Then....later I went back to school when I realized I didn't want to spend my life working in a grocery store, thank you very much. Plus, the school had a good drama department. So, my mother's husband and his friends may faint at the idea of my going to Hunter instead of Dartmouth but....I don't know....realistically, you do have to live. The way they're pushing my sister: I mean, maybe she is academic, but I don't see it, honestly. I am NOT saying she's not smart, but I just don't see her as particularly studious or scholarly. I think if she really wanted to go to an Ivy League school she'd have gotten in. And even then, I've been in the work force and they care far more about your experience and ability to do the job than about what school you went to: unless you're going to be a stock broker or lawyer or doctor. But I do think she's better off in California...but Mother and her husband were insulted and thought I was saying she's a bimbo. I'm not saying that. USC is not that bad a school from what I know, and realistically Sam (my sister) it seems is into partying on the beach.....well, of course that's not all she or anyone wants, I know, but that IS where she gravitates, it seems. I believe she is smart and has lots of potential.....but no one has asked her what SHE wants, I don't think. Maybe I'm wrong and she really does want to be a lawyer. Then great. I believe when I have kids I will support them in whatever they want to do...I mean, hopefully they won't want to be serial killers or or to drop boms, but I'll do my best to make sure they don't end up that way. There's nothing wrong with that, but she's not a "leftist" which is what I gather U or M is like....or a sorority type like this other college she may be going to. If it was my kid I'd spend the money on her travelling the world and then send her to a state school. My opinion, but I think Ivy League is a waste of money if you're not rich and not planning to become a doctor or lawyer. ANyhow, just my $.02.
Friday, April 22, 2005
today
I'm exhausted after 4 interviews.....ohhhhhhh
my cat West killed a pigeon and there are feathers all over my back yard. Well, that's what cats do. He went out around 4AM this morning ( let him out) and I woke up and there was.....I won't go into it. But....that's a sign of affection, when a cat brings his prey to your door. It's a gift.
From the film JFK the character X asks, something like, who benefits? Who has the power to cover it up?
I
my cat West killed a pigeon and there are feathers all over my back yard. Well, that's what cats do. He went out around 4AM this morning ( let him out) and I woke up and there was.....I won't go into it. But....that's a sign of affection, when a cat brings his prey to your door. It's a gift.
From the film JFK the character X asks, something like, who benefits? Who has the power to cover it up?
I
3 interviews tomorrow and......well, a lot
is going on. I threw all my banana peels for the past few months into my back yard, figuring they're compost. They've dried up since, and today I made a pile of them, plus flowers I threw out there, and burned em. I was told plants live off carbon, so the ashes are fertilizer. One flower started growing in my back yard, and to the side what looks like, I don't know, daisies maybe? Me not a gardener, but look at me, I'm doing it.
I still can't figure out how to past pix on this thing.
my travel article was published. Whe hew! I've been so flaky, got to stop it. I just feel like I do so much but no matter what it's never enough. But it's 9:30 and I have a long ass day tomorrow, so as soon as I print my resume I'm fini.
Saw a disturbing sight tonight. I was getting a candle from the bodega across the street and the guy who works there, an older Yemenese who always tells me I'm beautiful (ooo) had a black eye. There were three kittens in there which weren't there before. I've read stories about trafficking and gangs, not just prostitutes (although a great deal of them are) but workers, too. I don't know where he got the black eye.....this neighborhood, believe it or not, is mostly safe. There is the occasional catcall but most of the people are harmless. Some of the females, actually, are the aggressive ones, well, sorry but it's true. anyhow my computer is annoyingly slow and I don't know why, right now. I'm dependent on my machine.....ok I restarted the comp....oh I don't know ....g is always making fun of me saying that.....
But I'm sooooooo wanting to return.....but like I said I am sure everywhere I go I'll meet gorgeous and great people....but I miss London so much.....and I was desperate to go when I went there for the summer a few years ago.......even though the experiences I had were not all good.....and it's violent there, really much more dangerous than NYC.....but.....it's just something. It's not just the music....tho...I just feel this really mad, constant pressing ....... I know, I'm fucked up! Like there have been times when I was sitting on the train and one of them was sitting across from me and I could tell they thought I was cute or whatever....and I so wanted to say something, do something.....but....then we went our separate ways. I just feel this intense attraction to I guess.....the culture there or something. Even trance music, that comes mostly out of the UK I think, and Germany. There are others, I know......
on another note, my friend from Berlin just emailed me and told me of some job prospects there. He really wants me there....awww!! Possibly as a tour guide. He'll be coming to NYC in July...hopefully I'll be here, cuz he's really fun to be with.....anyhow I must me coucher as I have a very long day ahead tomorrow
and I figured out how to post pix.....finally
I still can't figure out how to past pix on this thing.
my travel article was published. Whe hew! I've been so flaky, got to stop it. I just feel like I do so much but no matter what it's never enough. But it's 9:30 and I have a long ass day tomorrow, so as soon as I print my resume I'm fini.
Saw a disturbing sight tonight. I was getting a candle from the bodega across the street and the guy who works there, an older Yemenese who always tells me I'm beautiful (ooo) had a black eye. There were three kittens in there which weren't there before. I've read stories about trafficking and gangs, not just prostitutes (although a great deal of them are) but workers, too. I don't know where he got the black eye.....this neighborhood, believe it or not, is mostly safe. There is the occasional catcall but most of the people are harmless. Some of the females, actually, are the aggressive ones, well, sorry but it's true. anyhow my computer is annoyingly slow and I don't know why, right now. I'm dependent on my machine.....ok I restarted the comp....oh I don't know ....g is always making fun of me saying that.....
But I'm sooooooo wanting to return.....but like I said I am sure everywhere I go I'll meet gorgeous and great people....but I miss London so much.....and I was desperate to go when I went there for the summer a few years ago.......even though the experiences I had were not all good.....and it's violent there, really much more dangerous than NYC.....but.....it's just something. It's not just the music....tho...I just feel this really mad, constant pressing ....... I know, I'm fucked up! Like there have been times when I was sitting on the train and one of them was sitting across from me and I could tell they thought I was cute or whatever....and I so wanted to say something, do something.....but....then we went our separate ways. I just feel this intense attraction to I guess.....the culture there or something. Even trance music, that comes mostly out of the UK I think, and Germany. There are others, I know......
on another note, my friend from Berlin just emailed me and told me of some job prospects there. He really wants me there....awww!! Possibly as a tour guide. He'll be coming to NYC in July...hopefully I'll be here, cuz he's really fun to be with.....anyhow I must me coucher as I have a very long day ahead tomorrow
and I figured out how to post pix.....finally
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
more work
volunteered at the tribeca film fest today. I learned a lot and I am glad I did it.....but it wore me out regardless. I talked to a woman who is really cool, a producer.
everyone seems to be leaving for somewhere except me. It's going to get lonely here. help! I'm not like G, I can't isolate myself in the woods. I'm alone here already in my place, but I don't want to be anymore. I There are people to talk to on the phone, I can go to g's, even Mother invited me to stay for dinner. But I need that time to myself, for a while. But I want to have fun again. I am missing that.
I can't do it with just anyone, though. Especially men: I'm very picky. It's funny how we all have different types. Some of the men my friends are attracted to I'm like, what? Not that they're not attractive, but not what I go for. I tend to like....what? The druggie look, to be honest. Hmmmmmm
everyone seems to be leaving for somewhere except me. It's going to get lonely here. help! I'm not like G, I can't isolate myself in the woods. I'm alone here already in my place, but I don't want to be anymore. I There are people to talk to on the phone, I can go to g's, even Mother invited me to stay for dinner. But I need that time to myself, for a while. But I want to have fun again. I am missing that.
I can't do it with just anyone, though. Especially men: I'm very picky. It's funny how we all have different types. Some of the men my friends are attracted to I'm like, what? Not that they're not attractive, but not what I go for. I tend to like....what? The druggie look, to be honest. Hmmmmmm
Monday, April 18, 2005
moving abroad
someone else posted this topic about finding a place to live overseas and all that goes with it. We're being told it's almost impossible......not to mention I'll be facing deportation and all kinds of other stuff if I work illegally (did I ever say I planned to do that????) ect. ect. and someone posted a thread like, you won't be able to move anywhere just cause YOU want to.....and this person is annoying me anyhow.....well, to be honest. So......what should I do? I really am bothered that people are automatically assuming that I am not thinking and irresponsible or that I have grandiose plans that aren't practical.....I've been planning this very carefully. Anyhow, I'll say more later.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
rode bike everywhere with g
all over, from fort greene, bklyn to the upper east side, central park to the west side (lots of RUDE people in that park.....yeccccchhhhhhhhhhh) then down to canal st, still more rude people (cause it's the weekend?)then chinatown, where I got tofu and g got fish (I hate fish, hate the smell) and veggies, then back to brklyn, over the manhattan bridge (exhausting in the extreme........) picked up some beaujolais at the liquor store, then finally to g's. There's someone staying at my apt for three days but I'm making $ which I NEED and I just hope he's not psychopathic and I worry about the cats but......I kind of lost it this morning at him cause he was there when I needed to get in there and left the oven on.....it's hard being out of my place and oh.........I still don't know where I'll work or anything....what I'll do......well, anyhow, it was a nice diversion today. I took a lot for granted a year ago.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
is breaking glass good luck?
cuz I broke two in a week. I read that somewhere. breaking a mirror is supposed to be bad luck, or rather, it releases spirits or something like that. But breaking glass (and I broke two fucking wine glasses!) is supposed to be the opposite.
I went to an interview today that was a waste of my time. I won't even get into it.
I went to an interview today that was a waste of my time. I won't even get into it.
work still never ends
maybe it's my fault for taking on too much.
so I've gotten some responses to my stuff. Whew! Didn't know people are reading it. I wish I knew how to post pix cause then I would.
I have made some statements here which are a reflection of how I felt at the time I wrote it. A lot of this is controversial material. But I'm making political, general points on something, and it's how I view certain things in the world. There are some things that I have a problem with although I know there are shades of grey, but I'm making a political argument, and it's not meant as a personal attack on anyone. OK I have a great deal more to say on this but I'll leave it here.
Tomorrow looks to be extremely busy and pretty soon I'll be back in the working world.....at least I think I will be. thing is....I have no idea what I'll be doing. Every time I've looked for work I've found something eventually....although it was a grueling process. I have to keep remembering that. I have to accept that I'll be lacking free time.
so I've gotten some responses to my stuff. Whew! Didn't know people are reading it. I wish I knew how to post pix cause then I would.
I have made some statements here which are a reflection of how I felt at the time I wrote it. A lot of this is controversial material. But I'm making political, general points on something, and it's how I view certain things in the world. There are some things that I have a problem with although I know there are shades of grey, but I'm making a political argument, and it's not meant as a personal attack on anyone. OK I have a great deal more to say on this but I'll leave it here.
Tomorrow looks to be extremely busy and pretty soon I'll be back in the working world.....at least I think I will be. thing is....I have no idea what I'll be doing. Every time I've looked for work I've found something eventually....although it was a grueling process. I have to keep remembering that. I have to accept that I'll be lacking free time.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
losing my virginity, a monologue
I performed in front of 30 people today, at an audition. I still get nervous but I suppose that's a good thing. But when I did lose mine, at 15, I didn't bleed although it hurt like hell. I think I wasn't really a virgin, except for with a guy. I rode my bike so much as a kid and did so many other sporty things I must have burst my hymen somewhere along the way, maybe in a bike accident I had when I was about nine.
Some interview q's
what is the date, time, place and year of your birth (astrological chart)
do you watch tv, if so, what
what's your fav tv show?
fav movie?
can you mix any two songs (lately I've been obsessed with djing)
well, ok, that's a boring q
what offends you?
what city do you live in?
recurring dreams?
I'll come back when I think of more
Some interview q's
what is the date, time, place and year of your birth (astrological chart)
do you watch tv, if so, what
what's your fav tv show?
fav movie?
can you mix any two songs (lately I've been obsessed with djing)
well, ok, that's a boring q
what offends you?
what city do you live in?
recurring dreams?
I'll come back when I think of more
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
men in fort greene
I can say that every place I go to I meet guys I like EXCEPT for my neighborhood, Fort Greene. The young guys are either home boys or hipsters, and I’m not either type. I prefer European type guys or else “tough” ones. I’m not cool or hip, never was. I’m a nerd. I want to tell this girl she’ll forget this guy in a few years, but what good will it do? You can’t talk someone out of being in love.
Monday, April 11, 2005
do you feel like work never ends?
I get home from my temp job exhausted but realize I have 10 more things to do. I have to clean my place look for auditions learn some new programs go over monologues run buy cat food and have a glass of wine and a bath. THe last is what I look forward to.
This new job is a tremendous amount of work and I felt so depleted after I left.....like I didn't accomplish anything. Well, no, I did. But the rewards don't come without such hard work and it really is, extremely difficult. I'm whining I know. But it's true. What can I say?
I'm waiting for the greatness......the travel, the baby (I've been reading about babies all day and suddenly I'm aware of what I'll be getting into.....that is why I hope to live it up now and do all those crazy things cause once I'm a mom that won't be so easy) they guy of course, the father of the baby, weddings? I don't know if I believe in marriage. I decided I want to raise my kids in Berlin and give them a European upbringing. And I naturally want a man who is involved.....and I wish I could have someone to do the crap work while I focus on being Mom.
This new job is a tremendous amount of work and I felt so depleted after I left.....like I didn't accomplish anything. Well, no, I did. But the rewards don't come without such hard work and it really is, extremely difficult. I'm whining I know. But it's true. What can I say?
I'm waiting for the greatness......the travel, the baby (I've been reading about babies all day and suddenly I'm aware of what I'll be getting into.....that is why I hope to live it up now and do all those crazy things cause once I'm a mom that won't be so easy) they guy of course, the father of the baby, weddings? I don't know if I believe in marriage. I decided I want to raise my kids in Berlin and give them a European upbringing. And I naturally want a man who is involved.....and I wish I could have someone to do the crap work while I focus on being Mom.
couple dreams
dreamt a few days ago about the world trade center, and some kind of shopping mall, like water tower in chicago. Have this dream all the time, like the one about the train station. And I'm shopping but looking down as I'm on the top floor, and almost drop the merchandise down. It's dark, going down, dark and dingy, the whole area.
In a dream last night my dad was telling me why he smokes: various reasons.
I remember I was writing before that love and fidelity have to be earned, and if someone is cheating I've discovered it's usually because there are problems. I know one person who has been particularly hurt in relationships, maybe more than he deserves. But at the same time, the truth is, he's gone out of his way to pick people who would hurt him, who are the very people who would do to him what he's most afraid of, and this is someone who could have had anyone or anything. BUt honestly.......OK maybe not. And he chose women who were treacherous: exactly what he feared. He had plenty of opportunities for great women but he chose the wrong ones, and I don't know why on earth he picked them. None of them were even close to being his equal, but the truth is he doesn't understand people. And this is someone who had potential to be the greatest thing of the century, but sadly, though he had many things going for him, he looked at women as something to own, something that's a reflection of him. So what goes around comes around, in a way. And the thing is if you have character flaws they won't go away and fulfillment won't be found no matter what religion or spiritual thing you turn to, because people just color it their own way.
So these guys on an internet thread I go on were debating astrology, and saying it's all bs, and so on. And that astrologers are flakes a la brigitte nielson. The thing is, they are entitled to believe what they choose.....but these people who throw out an entire religion or topic because there are problems with it or things they disagree with I have to wonder about. And I know.....well, there are people raised with that "believe or you'll burn in hell" mentality and that would mess anyone up and turn any sane person wickedly against religion or spirituality or whatever you call it. I have to say that people with those extreme, intolerant and rigid religious views I believe they have psychological problems or, more complex, the religion has fucked with their heads to the point where they can't function in the world anymore, one or the other. And we live in a Christian world....despite the freedom of religion our country is allegedly based on. All those concepts of good and evil are Christian and affect us all the time. I have morals because of the religion I was brought up with. But it can fuck with someone. It fucked with me for a long time, and not Christianity, either. But trying to find my own "meaning" alone and without someone to help me nearly led to disaster in my life. I also turned people, well men, into God, men I was in love with. I thought this one guy was God and the connection was truly powerful, beautiful at its best, and one that changed me and my life. BUt he's not God, he's human and imperfect. And finally, I found that I disagree with much of his views. I agree with maybe 85 percent of what he has to say. And I did feel let down because I counted on him for things that he ended up not doing.
it's 2AM and I'm wide awake....I keep wanting to stay up when it's late and I just can't sleep....my mind is racing now. Maybe it's too much chocolate or caffeine which I craved, couldn't help it, even though it's late and I know, I shouldn't. But I had a headache and felt sick.
So, my thoughts on the media: I work in the media. And I believe in it, I understand it. But much of my experience with the media, but also people in general, has not been good. I mean when I've been interviewed or when I meet people, and yes, some of them are women. I think a person should always use their personal discretion to determine what is and is not an appropriate question to ask someone. Age is not. I don't want to be rude or fight with people.
As for characters like Jeanne d'Arc, I am older than she was when she died, by far. But I chose the role because I believe the play makes universal truth statements about men, women, girls, war, nationalism and religion, among other things. Oh, also, royalty. It is not because I think I am Jeanne d'Arc or because I think I'm sixteen or that my life is a reflection of hers, or vice versa. I understand much of the themes in her story and believe it holds true to today only it's taken a different shape.
In a dream last night my dad was telling me why he smokes: various reasons.
I remember I was writing before that love and fidelity have to be earned, and if someone is cheating I've discovered it's usually because there are problems. I know one person who has been particularly hurt in relationships, maybe more than he deserves. But at the same time, the truth is, he's gone out of his way to pick people who would hurt him, who are the very people who would do to him what he's most afraid of, and this is someone who could have had anyone or anything. BUt honestly.......OK maybe not. And he chose women who were treacherous: exactly what he feared. He had plenty of opportunities for great women but he chose the wrong ones, and I don't know why on earth he picked them. None of them were even close to being his equal, but the truth is he doesn't understand people. And this is someone who had potential to be the greatest thing of the century, but sadly, though he had many things going for him, he looked at women as something to own, something that's a reflection of him. So what goes around comes around, in a way. And the thing is if you have character flaws they won't go away and fulfillment won't be found no matter what religion or spiritual thing you turn to, because people just color it their own way.
So these guys on an internet thread I go on were debating astrology, and saying it's all bs, and so on. And that astrologers are flakes a la brigitte nielson. The thing is, they are entitled to believe what they choose.....but these people who throw out an entire religion or topic because there are problems with it or things they disagree with I have to wonder about. And I know.....well, there are people raised with that "believe or you'll burn in hell" mentality and that would mess anyone up and turn any sane person wickedly against religion or spirituality or whatever you call it. I have to say that people with those extreme, intolerant and rigid religious views I believe they have psychological problems or, more complex, the religion has fucked with their heads to the point where they can't function in the world anymore, one or the other. And we live in a Christian world....despite the freedom of religion our country is allegedly based on. All those concepts of good and evil are Christian and affect us all the time. I have morals because of the religion I was brought up with. But it can fuck with someone. It fucked with me for a long time, and not Christianity, either. But trying to find my own "meaning" alone and without someone to help me nearly led to disaster in my life. I also turned people, well men, into God, men I was in love with. I thought this one guy was God and the connection was truly powerful, beautiful at its best, and one that changed me and my life. BUt he's not God, he's human and imperfect. And finally, I found that I disagree with much of his views. I agree with maybe 85 percent of what he has to say. And I did feel let down because I counted on him for things that he ended up not doing.
it's 2AM and I'm wide awake....I keep wanting to stay up when it's late and I just can't sleep....my mind is racing now. Maybe it's too much chocolate or caffeine which I craved, couldn't help it, even though it's late and I know, I shouldn't. But I had a headache and felt sick.
So, my thoughts on the media: I work in the media. And I believe in it, I understand it. But much of my experience with the media, but also people in general, has not been good. I mean when I've been interviewed or when I meet people, and yes, some of them are women. I think a person should always use their personal discretion to determine what is and is not an appropriate question to ask someone. Age is not. I don't want to be rude or fight with people.
As for characters like Jeanne d'Arc, I am older than she was when she died, by far. But I chose the role because I believe the play makes universal truth statements about men, women, girls, war, nationalism and religion, among other things. Oh, also, royalty. It is not because I think I am Jeanne d'Arc or because I think I'm sixteen or that my life is a reflection of hers, or vice versa. I understand much of the themes in her story and believe it holds true to today only it's taken a different shape.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
few things
.....people are going to believe what they want. But so many people rush to conclusions about things they don't know ANYTHING about.
But does it do any good to fight with people, on the other side? I don't want to fight with anyone, and no one is going to change. But some things have to be dispelled. SO these people are forming their narrow minded (OK what I think) opinions on subjects they've never studied, I can argue with them but will I change them? They'll come up with something to justify their opinion.....such and such happened or the facts say this so......they're right, they will always be right, no matter how many things you tell them they're going to think what they're going to think. So why yell at them or fight with them? Problem is, they influence others, too.
I thought it was just the US but it appears to be everywhere: people want instant answers, immediate solutions. That's why divorce is so high?
But does it do any good to fight with people, on the other side? I don't want to fight with anyone, and no one is going to change. But some things have to be dispelled. SO these people are forming their narrow minded (OK what I think) opinions on subjects they've never studied, I can argue with them but will I change them? They'll come up with something to justify their opinion.....such and such happened or the facts say this so......they're right, they will always be right, no matter how many things you tell them they're going to think what they're going to think. So why yell at them or fight with them? Problem is, they influence others, too.
I thought it was just the US but it appears to be everywhere: people want instant answers, immediate solutions. That's why divorce is so high?
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
people have asked me
if it's possible to be in love with two people at once. It had never happened to me, then it did. It's possible to love many people at once, or to love one person in a way that's forever, that you change your own life and destiny, really, for them. And it's genuine. THat's happened to me a few times.
But I'm also realizing love isn't enough. Ashley said that in Gone with the Wind. It's not enough if someone isn't there for you when you need them or even once in a blue moon.....then they show up one day out of thin air and expect you to throw yourself at them and be grandly grateful that they're there; when in fact, you're thinking, where the fuck were you when I needed you? So....in a way love and loyalty and respect all have to be earned.....you'll get what you give. If someone isn't giving it to you, maybe ask yourself what you're giving them. Not that it is always your fault you're not getting what you need, not what I mean. But it reciprocates.
But I'm also realizing love isn't enough. Ashley said that in Gone with the Wind. It's not enough if someone isn't there for you when you need them or even once in a blue moon.....then they show up one day out of thin air and expect you to throw yourself at them and be grandly grateful that they're there; when in fact, you're thinking, where the fuck were you when I needed you? So....in a way love and loyalty and respect all have to be earned.....you'll get what you give. If someone isn't giving it to you, maybe ask yourself what you're giving them. Not that it is always your fault you're not getting what you need, not what I mean. But it reciprocates.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
right now
was feeling kind of blue earlier, and pissy in the extreme. I'm a little better now. But this is all so tiring, and the problems don't solve themselves, it seems. THere's no way out of it: no escape from having to work extremely hard and it's endless and accept that there's much you can't control, ie other people. And there are many lost souls in the world.....people who can't come back, or haven't been able to. I'm holding on, I suppose. But that's where so many people join cults or get hooked on drugs or sex (not that sex is bad, but I mean people who live by it, to the extreme) and these are intelligent, strong people and you have to wonder what the hell went wrong. BUt I understand part of it: we all need guidance and some kind of spirituality I guess and to believe in something, most of us. We need to belong to something, and when people are blocked in their life, whatever the reason, these cults zero in on that vulnerable spot. I'm just lucky I had some anchoring and some people who kept me away when I was susceptible. I suppose not everyone has that. Well, what is the reason?
Sunday, April 03, 2005
the current state of the us
I sympathize and understand these people who openly bash bush. I am not a fan, obviously. But whether or not he, or Reagan, won the election? Are they really acting on their own interests or is it that they are under pressure from big business and billionaires in the US and worldwide? If Bush were assassinated tomorrow, would there be someone to replace him, just as bad? Many people who bash bush are hardly a living example of altruistic living. Remember that Clinton was under scrutiny for having allegedly harassed several women and possibly assaulted more. I speak from the point of view of a middle class, midwestern girl, but I know that several people in power have miraculously influenced countless girls and women, not to mention people in general, to believe, vote and act against their own self interests. My guess is Bush is a continuation of Reagan's legacy and I am pretty shocked at how so much of the darkness and general wrongness of Reagan's domestic and foreign policy is glossed over. That era is said to be a conservative one, when in fact countless people in the US opposed Reagan and protested.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
tonight, tonight
It's almost 4AM I went to a complacent party with some of the rcs. The party was good, picking up and getting better, but it .....maybe it was me....it was good, great but.....the problem was I got there too early. But I just didn't feel it as much this time. Not like the one I went to in July. But, the dancers were so so cool. The crowd was decent. I looked great, magnificent, in a dress one of the rcs lent me. I ended up not going to that place cuz I was tired, and my feet were in pain from high heels and I was about to try to go but I was walking around cold and my feet in pain and wet and I don't want to be cold and wet, rather hot and wet.......oh for various reasons IT didn't happen. maybe it's my mind is somewhere else with someone else....I can't get certain things or people out of my mind and I TRY but it always comes back to the same thing. And I looked great but it wasn't directed the right way....wonder if going to Comp party was the right decision, tho I suppose it was. And my shrink would tell me I'm hooking onto unavailable men and ect. and I should go for who's available. Well, let's take note. At that party the men, some, seemed OK but they just weren't right. And there were too many of those hetero American hipsters at this one party......They just weren't IT, weren't right. I looked so great but what's the point if I'm not getting what I want....... And I'm thinking, I'm beautiful, but it isn't working. There are still other possibilities, but somehow so much is not right now.
I don't hate men, or think they're evil, most of the time. There are a good deal of sleazy men....but I block them out and pay attention to certain ones only. Maybe my view is distorted. But I'm attracted to men (well, only a select few) and I'd never say never to an experience with a female but I'm not a lesbian. Maybe I'll try it, but I'm dedicated to men. So many girls and women I know hate men, and it's really sad. These are attractive, strong, smart women but the sexist world we live in could crush them.....and we're taught that someone who is truly brilliant and great should overcome any adversity. But who makes the world sexist? Why has every civilization that ever existed (as far as I know) been male supremacist? Maybe women in the middle east are taught how bad it is for Western women: that we get harassed on the street and at work, that we're forced to hurt ourselves for beauty, that we're anorexic, that we're always pressured for sex ect. ect. but to me what that means is that our society is not much better than the Islamic ones with regards to women. It's the same bullshit just the other side of the coin. There are a lot of creeps out there but there are good men, not ALL of them are evil or bad. And I just, mostly, am not attracted to women. I DO care about being attractive to men, but that doesn't mean I want men grabbing me and violating my boundaries, no. I DO tell men, openly and nastily, to fuck off (I've done it to women, too) and I've had my share of fights, believe me. There's a side of me that I don't like to show but some people do bring it out of me; you can say they asked for it. But at certain places I've restrained from getting bad because at the time I didn't want to start anything.
I don't hate men, or think they're evil, most of the time. There are a good deal of sleazy men....but I block them out and pay attention to certain ones only. Maybe my view is distorted. But I'm attracted to men (well, only a select few) and I'd never say never to an experience with a female but I'm not a lesbian. Maybe I'll try it, but I'm dedicated to men. So many girls and women I know hate men, and it's really sad. These are attractive, strong, smart women but the sexist world we live in could crush them.....and we're taught that someone who is truly brilliant and great should overcome any adversity. But who makes the world sexist? Why has every civilization that ever existed (as far as I know) been male supremacist? Maybe women in the middle east are taught how bad it is for Western women: that we get harassed on the street and at work, that we're forced to hurt ourselves for beauty, that we're anorexic, that we're always pressured for sex ect. ect. but to me what that means is that our society is not much better than the Islamic ones with regards to women. It's the same bullshit just the other side of the coin. There are a lot of creeps out there but there are good men, not ALL of them are evil or bad. And I just, mostly, am not attracted to women. I DO care about being attractive to men, but that doesn't mean I want men grabbing me and violating my boundaries, no. I DO tell men, openly and nastily, to fuck off (I've done it to women, too) and I've had my share of fights, believe me. There's a side of me that I don't like to show but some people do bring it out of me; you can say they asked for it. But at certain places I've restrained from getting bad because at the time I didn't want to start anything.
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