tonight, tonight

It's almost 4AM I went to a complacent party with some of the rcs. The party was good, picking up and getting better, but it .....maybe it was me....it was good, great but.....the problem was I got there too early. But I just didn't feel it as much this time. Not like the one I went to in July. But, the dancers were so so cool. The crowd was decent. I looked great, magnificent, in a dress one of the rcs lent me. I ended up not going to that place cuz I was tired, and my feet were in pain from high heels and I was about to try to go but I was walking around cold and my feet in pain and wet and I don't want to be cold and wet, rather hot and wet.......oh for various reasons IT didn't happen. maybe it's my mind is somewhere else with someone else....I can't get certain things or people out of my mind and I TRY but it always comes back to the same thing. And I looked great but it wasn't directed the right way....wonder if going to Comp party was the right decision, tho I suppose it was. And my shrink would tell me I'm hooking onto unavailable men and ect. and I should go for who's available. Well, let's take note. At that party the men, some, seemed OK but they just weren't right. And there were too many of those hetero American hipsters at this one party......They just weren't IT, weren't right. I looked so great but what's the point if I'm not getting what I want....... And I'm thinking, I'm beautiful, but it isn't working. There are still other possibilities, but somehow so much is not right now.
I don't hate men, or think they're evil, most of the time. There are a good deal of sleazy men....but I block them out and pay attention to certain ones only. Maybe my view is distorted. But I'm attracted to men (well, only a select few) and I'd never say never to an experience with a female but I'm not a lesbian. Maybe I'll try it, but I'm dedicated to men. So many girls and women I know hate men, and it's really sad. These are attractive, strong, smart women but the sexist world we live in could crush them.....and we're taught that someone who is truly brilliant and great should overcome any adversity. But who makes the world sexist? Why has every civilization that ever existed (as far as I know) been male supremacist? Maybe women in the middle east are taught how bad it is for Western women: that we get harassed on the street and at work, that we're forced to hurt ourselves for beauty, that we're anorexic, that we're always pressured for sex ect. ect. but to me what that means is that our society is not much better than the Islamic ones with regards to women. It's the same bullshit just the other side of the coin. There are a lot of creeps out there but there are good men, not ALL of them are evil or bad. And I just, mostly, am not attracted to women. I DO care about being attractive to men, but that doesn't mean I want men grabbing me and violating my boundaries, no. I DO tell men, openly and nastily, to fuck off (I've done it to women, too) and I've had my share of fights, believe me. There's a side of me that I don't like to show but some people do bring it out of me; you can say they asked for it. But at certain places I've restrained from getting bad because at the time I didn't want to start anything.