couple dreams

dreamt a few days ago about the world trade center, and some kind of shopping mall, like water tower in chicago. Have this dream all the time, like the one about the train station. And I'm shopping but looking down as I'm on the top floor, and almost drop the merchandise down. It's dark, going down, dark and dingy, the whole area.

In a dream last night my dad was telling me why he smokes: various reasons.

I remember I was writing before that love and fidelity have to be earned, and if someone is cheating I've discovered it's usually because there are problems. I know one person who has been particularly hurt in relationships, maybe more than he deserves. But at the same time, the truth is, he's gone out of his way to pick people who would hurt him, who are the very people who would do to him what he's most afraid of, and this is someone who could have had anyone or anything. BUt honestly.......OK maybe not. And he chose women who were treacherous: exactly what he feared. He had plenty of opportunities for great women but he chose the wrong ones, and I don't know why on earth he picked them. None of them were even close to being his equal, but the truth is he doesn't understand people. And this is someone who had potential to be the greatest thing of the century, but sadly, though he had many things going for him, he looked at women as something to own, something that's a reflection of him. So what goes around comes around, in a way. And the thing is if you have character flaws they won't go away and fulfillment won't be found no matter what religion or spiritual thing you turn to, because people just color it their own way.

So these guys on an internet thread I go on were debating astrology, and saying it's all bs, and so on. And that astrologers are flakes a la brigitte nielson. The thing is, they are entitled to believe what they choose.....but these people who throw out an entire religion or topic because there are problems with it or things they disagree with I have to wonder about. And I know.....well, there are people raised with that "believe or you'll burn in hell" mentality and that would mess anyone up and turn any sane person wickedly against religion or spirituality or whatever you call it. I have to say that people with those extreme, intolerant and rigid religious views I believe they have psychological problems or, more complex, the religion has fucked with their heads to the point where they can't function in the world anymore, one or the other. And we live in a Christian world....despite the freedom of religion our country is allegedly based on. All those concepts of good and evil are Christian and affect us all the time. I have morals because of the religion I was brought up with. But it can fuck with someone. It fucked with me for a long time, and not Christianity, either. But trying to find my own "meaning" alone and without someone to help me nearly led to disaster in my life. I also turned people, well men, into God, men I was in love with. I thought this one guy was God and the connection was truly powerful, beautiful at its best, and one that changed me and my life. BUt he's not God, he's human and imperfect. And finally, I found that I disagree with much of his views. I agree with maybe 85 percent of what he has to say. And I did feel let down because I counted on him for things that he ended up not doing.

it's 2AM and I'm wide awake....I keep wanting to stay up when it's late and I just can't sleep....my mind is racing now. Maybe it's too much chocolate or caffeine which I craved, couldn't help it, even though it's late and I know, I shouldn't. But I had a headache and felt sick.

So, my thoughts on the media: I work in the media. And I believe in it, I understand it. But much of my experience with the media, but also people in general, has not been good. I mean when I've been interviewed or when I meet people, and yes, some of them are women. I think a person should always use their personal discretion to determine what is and is not an appropriate question to ask someone. Age is not. I don't want to be rude or fight with people.

As for characters like Jeanne d'Arc, I am older than she was when she died, by far. But I chose the role because I believe the play makes universal truth statements about men, women, girls, war, nationalism and religion, among other things. Oh, also, royalty. It is not because I think I am Jeanne d'Arc or because I think I'm sixteen or that my life is a reflection of hers, or vice versa. I understand much of the themes in her story and believe it holds true to today only it's taken a different shape.