last night

I was going to take a book to read....but left it home thinking it was too much to carry. But I ended up in a train station and it's always my habit to bring something to read.....I bought the Times and NY Post (I like to read the crime blotter). I read the book review.....words like "visceral" being used....thinking it's nice to read something really intelligent; really somewhat soulful.......even if those same words are in every such article, which they usually are. On the way back I was looking for something similar.....ultimately bought the Enquirer. This is fascinating stuff. Stuff you don't hear about elsewhere.
I went running and that's when I do a sort of morning meditation....like the morning pages....I wake up feeling horrible, with horrible thoughts in my head. Running and writing clear all that out....I was thinking about bad things that happened to me when I was a kid. THere was bad and good. My parents made mistakes I'm not excusing what they did: they hurt me at times. NO one beat or molested me or.....well so many things I hear about. I can I did forgive them. I had very good and very bad fortune. THe good can turn into bad because if you're blessed with good things people get jealous and vindictive. Probably Assia was jealous of Sylvia Plath maybe unconsciously she wanted to get her where it counted. Too many people suffered and died unnecessarily. On the up side, with modern medicine and psychiatry/psychology much of this can be prevented. There was so much creativity at one period....I would guess there is little in history that equaled it. It was really wet and springing with stuff......but sadly there was bad as well under the surface. We were in the center of both. It was great and it nearly killed me.

But looking through the Enquirer....I mean.....there's this ad: kids born with clefts; that I'm looking at. Now that's really really bad. I know I have it good compared to much of the world. So I will try to make the most of what I have going for me.......this is what I want to accomplish:


travel: South America, maybe back to Europe....Africa. Main places for now
learn shorthand
better relationship love love happy love if others can have it so can I goddamn it.
better living situation
more pets, cats kids
better job in film
writing finished
learn tarot