stuff I jotted down; now I'll put them here since I want to recycle some paper.
glad I stayed with you
great idea don't you agree?
did you beg me not to leave
and beg and beg and beg
love or control? which is it?
what good news must wait til Thursday?
if we need love, stability
organization? travel? want to go here?
fly? fly?
Air? sword? fight? stab with words?
Once we were in love
it's so hard to remember
eyes brown like sand sand
falling in the hour glass
it wasn't to last
we knew it wouldn't
a tender box
a birthday present
blew out the candles
make a wish
hate me hurt me
blow blow on my candles
oh the stab
it hurts the stab it hurts
but you (can't read my own writing)
I turn again
I turn against myself
oh they can never never take
oh but it could
burn death large but it could
burned away
once we had everything
once you put me at the top of the list
at the top of the list
at the top of the list
and we were at the top I was drunk but we didn't get hit
where was I?
oh but it was pink
pink and so bright but it could be
once he fell all over me
on top of me
two three one how we bled
til we both were dead
oh how we bled
oh how we were red
and you know he did
and you know how he did
and the mirror is merciless
jealousy how it pricks
how it burns relentless a slow dull blad
ever so slowly turning
show all of you
a demon flew over my head
once how we bled
one we were red
two how we bled
fearful need
written 4/16/10
afternote: some of my poetry is a little maudlin.....rather the gory stuff, personal stuff
4/16/10
I'm a thief
a crook
sorceress
demon sigil
horns on my head
a perfect fit
I'm a killer baby
that can be read two ways
I'm a killer, baby
and I'm a killer baby
hm kind of like the second
fill me up
I'm evil
I'll never be anything but evil
I'm not blonde
believing in God
believing in Santa
believing in Adam and Eve
one day
I'll end up in a trash can in the woods
that'll be the end
I won't be the first
oh but you're still dreaming
if only you knew
how I bled purple and red for you
how I bleed
my heart is full of black soot
and I insist insist insist it melt away (these two lines I just added)
oh but you're still dreaming
if only you knew me
how I bled purple and red for you
how I bleed
you I still need
come to me
me me only
all that's so ugly
so ghastly godawful
in Bushwick a hideous place
you don't know what you're missing
you're not missing anything
a mattress on the floor
a memory of him
what life there is here, and there's very little
a back yard full of weeds
dark hideously ugly cellar of a hideously ugly building
in a neighborhood of shacks, train tracks, everything grey
and a mess
but the library coffee shop is here
one pretty red ribbon
full of pretty people
and a happy blue dolphin swam toward me here
one thing I knew I'd end up here
but not this place, I bought purple and black candles
that and my art the only attractive thing
this basement like a tomb, a dirty one
a cellar of cold, damp, grey and sooty hell
a soulless place
quiet and piss yellow ugly
(I added these couple stanzas now)
(original)
words--so few--so beautiful
from your schizophronic brain juices
I got naked
I'm a wreck
I looked at the leaves
imagined the sun
filled myself with 30,000 roses
and screamed for over an hour
(recently written)
they he lit me on fire
all my pain turned into cheap vaudeville
christmas tree lit up
you abused me
how did I life through this?
my panties are red
purple and bled
oh how I slip
oh how you flip
me ????
cookies are green
sparkles are bright
sleep through the day
live through the night
tortured, raped, beaten
the choir sings faces tilted
she stabbed you a million times
she purposely degraded you
the dirty river behind both of us
from hell you're from hell you're going to hell
love kills it's all I know
it's what I'm used to
a family of schizophrenics
he said that's made up bullshit
schizophrenia: could be a character in a play
talk to me please
he will die, I will die
on a cross in a street, bloodied
his brains a mish mesh of wire
he won't live
I thought love I slept on a floor
a beer, a symbol, something I drew
purple bled it could be worse
the salt stings my mouth my bones I feel it shake me every molecule
you who are sugar
bless through the computer
oh the love a stuffing for a toy frog
belong where you belong
(next page)
it's five oclock in the morning
I'm hurting, hurting bad
your tire went flat
I almost killed myself on that bridge
the bus headed for Mass
just before it crashed
the fires, letters lit up like eyes of a jack o lantern
I only got burned the farmer in me has thick bones
from Illinois from peasants
no I"m not dreaming this
watch something burn
dolls are turning toward you
they're really staring at you
the faces are staring at you
they are in the wall
they are in the bricks
the skull is on the table
love love in a dingy room
one tree and foam
it's aphrodite in this bottle
everything was grey
except for that one light
and the book Wicked
everything dark
all of them and you you're just a satellite
really aren't you?
the book said, "Kill the wicked witch of the West"
oh the pink the pink you and me
we sleep
there's purple in this dark
is still love only love
one beer a burn
they some of them sleep in the street
steaming in glass I have been on the curb
and I've been in the Plaza
all the gold stairs are dull
empty if
and you thought it was a joke
thought it was an accident
that a skull candle
wouldn't do that wouldn't do that wouldn't do that
that's what you thought
you who were so smart
you were so goddamn smart
I'm shaken shaken twisted I'll never recover from this
you had such a brainy blonde head
it wasn't real it wasn't
really it was red
really it was red
the skull was real but it was too late before you knew it
the corpses were real coming out of the swimming pool
that person really was choking
her dress waved in the wind it was red too
they said it was a wig
bloodied and muddied
meant to be
face staring at me
crocodile? he appears......he's always there is he?
this is no dream
we were shot at
bleeding and life some coffee
sugar, eggs, a rag between my legs
they'd get what they want?
wouldn't be me
I was a fool and learned the hard way
I've severed ties
no more staying up all night
blood on the mattress he has that too
he has my writings
he'll try to say they're his
bullshit they're not his
this is it
this is really it
I won't be that thing
I won't be thrown out
spells, summon, any kind of peace of mind
destroyed by him
she's hot totally hot
she was talking about poor
as if she knew what it meant
she was useless and stupid why mince words
skin white as snow lips red as blood hair black as the black keys on a piano
death and dying
the dead girl
lips red as blood
put the black oil on
well now I know
some of them had fangs so did she
the black cat
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