visions part two..have I the eyes of Laura Mars?

For some re reason that crashed my phone. I am just.....well for the first time I am putting down experiences that were just in my head. I do sense something of Justin my ex who has been .....I don't know what happened to him. Or Chris. Or Saurab my former roommate. I very strongly doubt Justin is guilty of anything he is accused of. Chris and his battles.....I mean I didnt create any of this. I went through stuff in the three subsequent years that could have killed me only by a hair's grace did I get out of that. I didnt deserve that. I cant stand to see my friends hurt you know? All this shit they are dealing with.....I should not suffer for as it's not of my doing. Their personal lives and whatnot. It hurts me to think of them hurting. But they alone chose the company they keep.....and what went on between them is between them and .....point is I can't help who they are or the decisions they make. I just wish things were happier and it gets lonely here. I managed to screw in 7 light bulbs by myself but.....I admit I wish there was a man here.....that I want here. You know. Not a friend or roommate. And not married.....and I wish I could get my cable box back. It turns out its far more complicated than I thought. I was reading on St. Claire how she is the patron saint of television. I am not Catholic and am more or less agnostic now. But the saints and the rituals around them are quite fascinating to me. I noticed St. Claire was mentioned in the film Rebecca.....maybe she is symbolic for things hidden coming to light, or clarity?  I was watching some shows I got off Google play and the CBS app.....and I looked out of the corner of my eye toward my closet. Sigh.This I write after my phone crashed again! I saw....now it was dark except for my white candle.....and phone. Now yes its true I hung my black jacket which made a shadowy figure....in my head I suppose whatever. But it looked like a nun....but dark......dubious. And next to her a gremlin-like face....wrinkled, sinister.....heartless or emotion-less. I thought maybe that is St. Claire.....if so please fix my cable box?Or maybe a trickster disguised as her like the Black Swan. Maybe in my mind I understand. Emotional I am. 

visions?

But my point is I am not making light  of the environment.....I cleaned out my room washed a bunch of clothes.....carrying a huge bag of laundry to and from .....all on top of running.....feeling....... Say what you will. 

First I want to clarify on what I last wrote. I am not in any way denying the gravity of the environment crisis and go out of my way, believe me, to always recycle and like I just wrote I wash my floor at least every couple days. I don't smoke cigarettes. Not that this is environment-related but I don't even drink beer .....because its too difficult living in the.....it must have been.....birthplace of the temperence movenment New Jersey. Close enough to Newark. I have heard about extreme cult-like religious activity there. Religion is one thing. The fanatical and stalkerlike behavior of some individuals disguised as religious is another.Hey whatever works for someone I don't care. But when you persecute others for their beliefs and practices and accuse them of stuff they didn't do.....expect criticism where it's due. Anyhow.....not all of Newark or NJ  is like this. But this not Brooklyn, which I really miss, where you can walk to a bodega at 2am ....miss that too.....and buy beer, chips a sandwich whatnot. Everything closes at 11 and if you want alcohol not in a bar (and I wouldnt recommend going into bars here) you are sol screwed. Good news though is that I dont have that terrible hung over feeling when I wake and dont have the drinking face.

more on environment.....

we all smoked cigarettes at that job too.....some example us! We would go down tjhe block door to door with people telling us to fuck off then take cigarette breaks.....one night of the week was party night where we'd all go to a local bar, right near Morgans Market which is still there. I didn't have ID I remember I went to one of these places on 42nd street I was so clueless.....this woman who was the accountant told me she had never seen an ID like mine. I managed finally after a month to get paid. Then I went to Chicago to see my dad. I had been riprimanded by my supervisor for something and at least had the satisfaction of telling her I was leaving....sher just said OK and then long pause......

Chevy Chase and the environment...part two

You would have to be Mother Theresa NOT to look back on these things and think, I was young and hot a lot of men wanted me and I had tits why wasn't I making easy money......it isn't really that easy I know women and men who dance for tips it's a lot of work but still.....you could I suppose say the same for all the girls working at NYPIRG but here we were at this place. Plus I lived with my mom and it would have been hard to explain where I was going at 1130 at night not coming back til 3am.....thought they had day shifts too .....I am getting to the subject. So there was one person at this job who was a sales genius, a young, pretty good looking man named Jeff. He once made the remark that he dressed like a conservative even though he was a liberal: in a blue (a soothing color, he said; he thought of everything!) suit even in summer, even though we were out in midday walking door to door on our "turf." saving.One time at the end of our shifts I overheard someone saying Jeff managed to get $500 from Chevy Chase .....we went to various towns in Long Island and upstate. That was an exhorbitant sum.....the how the means I'm not sure but there you have it. All this came back to me as I read from a wiki article on Chase. Quite interesting and controversial his bio if I can find it perhaps I will read it. It saod he is active in environmental issues.....aside from his alleged rant with racial epithets well you know I guess like anything flawed human being but .....how did I even find this? I was looking for sketch material on you tube.

Chevy Chase and the environment

unbelievable and infuriating....my phone crashed and what I wrote got erased. So here it is again from my head.
I came across on youtube the Chevy Chase appearance on David Letterman. Speaking of which I will be SO happy to get tv finally!!!!! It was quite interesting.....I always found him funny and as a kid my family and I used to watch snl tapes all the time. David Letterman is froIndiana same as my father and his side of my family. I will save for safety. I am dying to re-visit there as soon as weather and other things permit because I have been terribly neglectful. I was remembering running through cornfields which are .....you will know when in them.....very warm and calming.....passing James Deans house as well. I am digressing so anyhow I never knew much about Chevy Chase but did a google search its an interesting story. He left NYC and snl for a girl he married then divorced.....I know people who have left situations to regret it later.....love is often a factor. What can I say? You take your chances. I am writing this all over again from scratch after I pause again to save. So.....one summer when I was 17 I took one of those godawful jobs going door to door to raise money for the environment. Considering my sales ability and knowledge of the environment at 17 (carbon monoxide, I was.....not exactly a sage after failing chemistry; this evil professor at my school took delight in my humiliation.....that jealous battleaxe) I was terrified of approaching strangers not to mention getting on their nerves......but it must be testament to something in me.....I managed to get hired and stay on the job (barely) til I left a month later. My last day was my best but there you are. saving again.The headquarters of this place were exactly one block away from where I lived but I got there late one time and was yelled at.....had a crisis which drew sympathy then we all went out for drinks even thoughwe were almost all underage. This all happened downtown in tribeca.....and the WTC was still there. Oh well we didnt have that issue.....that was goods to come. In another life. Anyhow......this was in the midsummer.....we would be sitting in traffic in the scorching sun.....this one time in the car in front of us this poor kid was sitting behind the glass in the back of a car but he handled it well....his expression how can I forget? He took it gracefully. If that had been me I would have jumped out I get horribly claustrophobic. Also this was before gps or we they rather did not have it considering money was not abundant here. One person would sit with a map to navigate.You could say at that time.....I went into that job knowing diddly squat about the environment but by the time I left I was a little expert. So. That job was hard and I hung onto it by the skin of my teeth. All at the tender age of 17. I wasted my time? Would I have been better off stripping there I said it? The strip club was right next door. Pisses me off.....I was young gorgeous I could have been getting tips I could have done so many things but maybe it's all for the better.....don't know if that would have been the right thing either. Once I turned 18 I could have gone to social services saying I was being abused and gotten an apartment. Oh, it's done. Abusing the system yes but maybe the ends justified (a biblical word) the means?

Last post (edited)

Especially considering I am from Chicago and never lived in the Valley....guess there's Death and Silicone and how many valleys? I am being really silly I am fried. I have been in this space working so many hours. I go out have nights with friends some nights and other times I am sequestered. Speaking of valley girls....when I was about ten or so my dad bought me....so crazy but informative if you ever listen to the Moon Unit Zappa song....the. Valley Girl handbook. All the expressions they used like "bag those toenails" and "gag me with a spoon" and "barf out" what are some of the others? Were outlined and defined in that book. I hope though I never was this. Not now as I am way older of course. I saw a website or book of some kind on Ali G and his expressions like "fit" "minger" "wicked" .....and what is Staines? Trying to think of the others......
I am on a no brainer maybe as I have been dealing with very heavy stuff and having to concentrate very hard. And writing out my goals. This kind of stuff can feel like interrogation especially when people interrogate you asking what you want and what are your goals? Then you tell them and they get pissed. They were I suppose wanting to hear something different. Here are some things and I am about to divulge my heart......

Go someplace warm soon Florida, LA, Colombia
Renew drivers license passport
better acting jobs (I know what you're going to say I don't want to hear it)
Better dancing jobs
Move back to brooklyn
More cats
Kids(I struggle with this. the world is overpopulated.....)
Maybe
Costumes
Write book
Get set together perform
More sp work
Cats course
Drive more
Poems performed win slams
Learn pole dance
More well paying gigs
(redacted)
Maybe warm weather isn't for everyone or california but I am so wanting to go!

There are so many great people I have met here and the park is nice but I miss brooklyn and guys friends always

hey hey plow on

sorry for my absence. had some things going on.....which leads me to the task at hand. i was so tired after running i could hardly move but knew i had to shower and so on. and wash the floor. i did the first thing. it's 3:20 am am so flat tired but feel i need to do  this for my own reasons.a lot of stuff.....fell behind.....i suppose this is a boring post. made me think of Cinderella? I would hope.....I hate floor washing. Its the worst. But it gets better after. I am I suppose OCD about at least that I do need to be organized and at least have a clean floor. Compounding the problem is my hair and what to do with it.....its all mixed up with the other stuff but I feel I can't just throw my hair away. It's a part of me.....

Rebecky rebecca

Watch "Carol Burnett Show -REBECKY Part 1" on YouTube
Love this and the original by hitchcock just watched.....!

Lion killing

http://news.yahoo.com/lion-mauling-death-dangerous-private-zoos-013620138.html. Sorry to be mia.....was a tad under the weather. I am full of puns today. These stories tear me apart.....another, sorry.....really. the one solution to this problem is a) NOT to have zoos in the firat place I am absolutely and thoroughly opposed to all animal captivity. Zoos, circuses and God forbid laboratories animals do not belong to us. It's all immoral and all I want is to break apart the bars and set these animals free not like what happened in Ohio obviously but in the environment they are from the only place and life nature intended for them. These animals are NOT pets.....snakes, lions.....sorry I am going to speak plainly. How can people be so stupid? I don't think they necessarily deserve to die. But the ONLY solution to this problem is to let these animals go. Send them back to Siberia, Africa, Australia.....is it the Western imperial mentality.....we will take this prize with us? Someone like that does deserve to get killed honestly. There was the case in Bolivia where lions forced to work in a circus....disgusting....were set free in the jungle. They were seen leaving the cages and walking back to their natural home.....and they returned to life as normal. People say they can't survive in their natural habitat....bullshit. It's only going to be more tragedies like this as long as people are ignorant. Zoos circuses laboratories such horrors are evil barbaric unethical and must all be demolished. That is my opinion.

Fellow vloggers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evGJlycQ0Oo&feature=youtube_gdata_player this girl is awesome....Jenny in the UK I have found so many mega cool people over there, via youtube mostly ....she is like 18 going on 85 I wish I'd had half her wisdom at that age.....

just ran in the FRIGID cold

but I feel so much better. Amazing, after what I've been through. I raced huffing and puffing to the Chinese food place  to get soup and egg rolls. I realize I soumded crazy in that post about the space heater but I need to clarify cause this is embarassing: I must have been lucid dreaming or maybe lack  of sleep induced hallucination or my imagination.....no I was not high. Just what it sounded like, you know? I am so happy to get my life back and for the people close to me their pain is my pain, if my friends are hurting I hurt. I was upset earlier cause a good friend is having problems and another went through some kind of emergency. Plus I lost money. But I feel surprisingly good now. After resting. Now I must eat......I feel like I am dropping to the floor I am so starving.....

posts

I took the last one down I thought I sounded crazy. But it seems to have gotten a huge readership. For whatever reason. I fell asleep for probably 10 hours, woke up, in the dark, alone......realizing.....I'm not, but feeling like it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0BifYPQQJE&feature=youtube_gdata_player. Assuming this is real.....the real Blair Witch! Seriously these poor people.....

Russian meteor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl_RknL9G-Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player. This is incredible!!!!! So beautiful. Thankfully no one was killed. What a week.....a model is shot by her boyfriend on Valentines Day. Then this. One can feel the intensity. I can. Oh and London Fashion Week.....wish I was there (tear()

You won't believe

You won't believe how amazing this is. I mean, this adds a new definition to incredible.
(My version of the line in Annie HALL "Sex with you is a very kafkaesque experience....." whatever the hell that means:
"When I have sex with you I feel like Alice in Wonderland going down the rabbit hole into the LSD trip.....kind of like when she was sitting on the mushrooms. Or like in Fantasia with the dancing brooms."



Would that be a compliment, to most?

Hey there.....thanks to those who thought of me on v day love you all! Some wacko new videos of mine:
To absent friends always. I love you too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XILrlPLvWec&feature=youtube_gdata_player

more on Tea Party, Thomas Frank

politics is power.....from JFK......power corrupts......when has it not? I was listening to Thomas Frank speak at a bookstore in uber liberal Portland.....probably the closest thing to hell to Tea Baggers.....anyway, I have read his books and he speaks of how Republicans see thmselves as disenfranchised, persecuted minorities. I have witnessed it the tone in some of their voices like they are on the verge of crying....well, you know, democracy means the right to hold unpopular views without being attacked.  But.....get this: there are stories of conservativally minded folk being "waterboarded" and put in concentration camps I guess set up by the "liberal elite" they always talk about. Or Illuminati? Yes the limosine liberal pornographer pedophile man hating heterosexual hating baby killing feminazis and ......they dont even shave their armpits!

O in the candle?

there is a window in my white soy candle.....you can get these at places like Lifethyme and .....hippie stores......they're amazing! This one reminds me of the scene in Superman II (I used to have a thing for Christopher Reeve......where he travels to the arctic....some such place.....
I watched the Police video "Wrapped around your Finger". Pretty freaky "I will turn your face to alabaster /When you find your servant is your master" and in white candles......"Every breath you take every move you make I'll be watching you" ......other song......having experienced spying and stalking.......being watched? By whom? I can guess....back to Superman I learned from that film what a producer is as I used to stare relentlessly at the credits (Alexander Salkind)

"That 70s Art" by Laura Saiter

. Trying to stay "pure" by not watching other depictions of my creative ideas but I did catch one episode of "That 70s Show." On a somewhat related note......I was never much of a Sex Pistols fan but I am catching on to them....was inspired to listen to "Anarchy in the U.K."....as I'd been reading Thomas Frank's latest...."Pity the Billionaire" anyway....he had commented on how the Tea Party sees itself as anarchistic and punk........seriously.....

Storybook mythical of sorts

Back yard

Street view ......I Snow White vampiress....thank you sugar for the kiss......

This is my street! The snow is very pretty. It is quiet and peaceful here

Nixon....Take the Dinero and Boogie

Forgive my sloppiness my android went kaput on me for good last night....all for the best as I need a new phone. I have made some new videos and you can hear me! That may or may not be a good thing....cuz I don't like my voice. I think it's too nasal. Maybe I should do a quasi British accent like American actresses used to in the 1950s to make themselves sound more sophisticated; but I find it annoying when Americans do that. Or take it up an octave?
Anyhow......my post on Nixon was full of typos but I was trying to jot down my thoughts and watch the film. But on what I wrote of "enemies" as per mentioned in the film...Nixon I mean.......when he (Anthony Hopkins) said, "An enemy of an enemy is a friend." .......as I didn't write fully......myself I suppose I'm lucky not to have .....when I think about it do I have enemies? I can think of incidents in my life but is there a lasting hatred? Perhaps.....who though? I thought of Woody Allen (again)'s Take the Money and Run. Actually both Woody Allen and Oliver Stone went to NYU though I think Allen was thrown out? They are vastly different.....God this is getting boring! I'll get to it: I thought of the scene in TTMAR with Miss Blair (Jacquelyn Hyde) where  she  tells Allen  she thinks someone's trying to kill her and says "Why? I have no enemies?" And of course it's him......the scene....see this film if you haven' it's such a riot....where he tries to run her over in his car. I used to watch this with my former Chicago family and siblings as well as my mom....this actress was comically brilliant....just wacky and bitchy both......something.....

Hello? Retarded post but cqing

"Nixon"

this film is on......I saw it when it came out. After some research and reading I understand mmore plus I put on subtitles so I catch what is being said. I wonder if this film was put on partly because of what I wrote on the ClashWWoodward and Bernstein,well.....this is before my time. People in this film remind me of some in my own family. I wish I had known them better. Enemy of enemy is my friend? Who is an enemy of my enemy? Do I even have them?

catching up

at 6 am in jersey city there is a chopper overhead hovering the smell of something like burning rubber. I am a little better than a week ago .....I have taken the task of trying to organize and make lists and so on. I made a list of tidbits to share on my site: I will blurb this as I dont have much time. I watched, with my mom, a small bit of Cabaret......another film I watched constantly living in Chicago. Now.....had to restart this as it crashed......Ive studied German and spent time in Berlin I can see it more.....well I recognize stuff I didnt as I havent seen that film since man ages ago. I do love the style of the film.....also in the Robber Bride Zenia makes up a story of having been there.....though....hm thats tough. Is she really inventing these stories? I see in a way she kind of IS these different roles.....anyone can memorize.....this crashed again very aggravating! a story and tell it......but a story about a one dimensional jerk is not that interesting people like that are a dime a dozen you know? I just feel like there would have to be more. ok. i will save. sigh.

in Chicago

there was a brief period that was meaningful to me Im remembering now.....well I guess most of my friends there ended up in NYC like me, and Brooklyn. I lost touch with all but a couple.....at least I see his facebook posts: Jed, though I was never that close to him. Kind of ironic.Aeysha was a very good friend and unfortunately we lost contact. I have no idea what happened to her.

films

I watched Annie Hall and laughed hysterically almost choked I was eating crispie noodles. I watched this film constantly in Chicago I think its even funnier now.....so many scenes I practically memorized. This film came out 15 years before the film JFK another of my favorites of course theyre completely different.....but in....I feel like Im writing a college paper.....again its hard to type.....but when I saw JFK and even read the book on the film....honestly murder is another fascination of mine I guess Im kind of sick.....I remebered the scene with Woody Allen and Carol King (big cq I think thats her name)......polititians one notch below child molestor I love it! The thing is I thought everyone in quotes knew about Annie Hall and the murder conspiracy theories regarding the Kennedy Assassination....but......when JFK the whole discussion, which.......page after page after.....it was endless the verbiage this produced.......back and forth....... much criticism came out like it was the first time anyone had suggested that, ever. In those days "controversey" was the name of the game in the media but well I wont digress.....it all brought me back to when I was living in Chicago while in school as a teenager. That plus I listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers for the first time in......that was really another life. It was good for a time but I really was so naive then. I remebering that I knew so little of anything but then again a lot of it was kept a secret. I had no way really of knowing. Oh yes, Controversey the name of Prince's first album?There's a Jeopardy question! I knew as a little kid cuz Dad's neighbor was a record promoter.Me the sophisticate? I dunno.....maybe it wasnt kept hidden maybe I chose to deny or disbelieve? not sure.....I apologize for the splotchy copy editing its because it is very difficult to navigate this and correct.

last wow

I was actually going to take down the last two posts but the response was overwhelming......I feel it just was.....well its how I felt at the time. Im better now, lots. ....will get back.....

so.....

I wrote that as, I started to type but my phone crashed.....I understand that unfortunately that name will always turn up and there will always be someone making the (my opnion) bad decision of naming their kid that. even if I am wrong and if I am then I am sorry. But too many times my suspicions were confirmed by outside and reliable sources. my only wish. though I love Justin and want him to be well.....part of why I AM so adamant and emotional over this.....I had made a heartfelt move, with all my heart, of moving on from the past. But her name came up (again) with some very disturbing revelations about someone I thought I trusted. Who in their right mind thinks they have the priviledge of determining anothers life or what they do or say? thats playing God. and because I sought peace but got instead this .....even sometimes a person doesnt oes not have to "do" anything and best c scenario this person was an annoying and obtrusive presence. Maybe one can be carrying a bad hangover from the past and even if its not intentional it affects .....the fallout or whatever is dangerous and t this is someone to avoid. anyway, like I said, I only want to move on. but I am going public with this only after I felt so shakably endangered again, due to what happened. Also.....god my hand is tired from typing on a handheld.....I am watching interviews with princess Diana. I never had much interest in the royal family. but she is really fascinating....not who I thought she was. I am touched in so many ways by what she says and I understand exactly of which she speaks.like I said, I was badly shaken by some things the past two weeks and scraped by a horror.....due partly to this person and some associated. Hence, why I am giving this heated testimony you read.

rain and wind

it is pretty and I am not sorry its not cold out. interesting.......my two heaters solved so many problems. I am getting over a terribly strenuous week and illness.....after having to concentrate so hard for extended periods and being driven (involuntarily) to beyond the threshold of what I could tolerate.......physically gruelling labor.....now I am friend and can hardly concentrate on anything. the house is thumping and creaking from the wind.  I have seen some troublesome things. associated with people......lets just say the sight of a certain name sends me horrific chills. never will i forget the hell I went through due to deliberate actions. I am grateful for her absence blissfully. I will speak frankly.....hate is not a nice word. But I never want to see that name again. Sorry but I discriminate against anyone with the same name. Get away from me and stay away if your name is.....what this person did was horribly malicious and inexcusable. To do that to an innocent person can never be excused, ever. I never want to see that name again, I will say it, I hate that name nd justifiably, and I never want to see it again. I am tired of seeing it. I am tired of both of the situation as I have moved on with my life, or maybe it was because I had moved on they stepped up their aggression. That Justin continues to be in denial and stay in their company saddens me. For four years he did nothing about it and dismissed my complaints. and he wonders why I got weary of this thing, finally. I could have done so many things, gone so many places. word for the wise.

hair, make up changes

thinking about maybe going super platuinum with my hair.....havent done that in a very long time. I think the subtle, classicly feminine look of the early century is being replaced by bold colors, red lips again......thank god cause I was gettng bored to insanity with the minimalist stuff. just not my style.....maybe cause Im a leo with aquarius in my chart Im all about the big drama .....or my generation? post punk 90s heavy eyeliner "punched in the eye" (pixiwoo) just-overdosed-on-heroin-stepped-out-of-a-morgue......look. I kind of like that look in men, too.

christmas review

yes it has been a month but the gifts I got have all been a blessing and really helped.....wish i could post photos on this site but there is some stupid glitch and i cant.....so I will tell you all. I love my space heaters (two of them, one a gift from Sonny) they are keeping me from getting ill. they are the only heat in this place but they do the job and save me. Also the very nice earmuffs and gloves mom got me, and the pjs my dear step aunt Dawn got me are so warm and cozy.....perfect for when I get up and the floor is cold the hallway is arctic......its not....Chicago is colder not so much thew temperature but the wind comes in from Canada and stabs you with icicles.....the wind is quite harsh but the earmuffs work miracles! that and a down coat my friend gave me god bless him ......and put on the flannels going to the store or running I barely feel this frigid insane cold. I am nice and toasty. the cold is supposed to abate I think thats the word? Get warmer I mean. I have been training running dance shower then practice then need another shower......dance is work. I go to the park and run in the jammies and they are flannel and I barely feel the cold? its very hard to navigate on my phone ipod so I listened to the 12 inch stones version of "miss you" five times 8 mins each = approximately 40 mins.......

oh yes back to the klf jams......a poem of theirs says "a light that will anoint thee, a sign from the subconscious, an angel sent to guide me.....last train to trancentral....."I have neglected poetry just been so busy with stuff.....other stuff.....but I swear its coming....and I am a genius so it will be spectacular I promise.......in this show they talked about annointing

yes now i remember

what led me to reading the book of Matthew was the Judgement tarot featuring Gabriel the Archangel.....who tells Mary she will conceive. He is associated with barren women who want to be fertile.....that sounds a little better to me. anyway.....I also got the Star. that confuses me.......I had been getting the Devil before that. I am all over the place with this......but .....? I need to think on this.....as I am again typing from a handheld.I wish to state I am not Catholic or religious but I do read Tarot.....have since childhood.

more Bible

so I was reading the book of Matthew for inspiration on something.....or I turned to it....."immaculate conception"...um....not what I had in mind.....kind of the opposite.....then it went on to say that Joseph "not wanting to make a public example of her....." I laughed so hasrd at this......guess one can't ever have any fun, huh?    pretty racy stuff.......it's in there.

fear initiation?

"i know the bottom, i know it with my great tap root," Sylvia Plath    a sign at the Pit said "follow the fear" I listened to a radio show speaking of initiation.......a quote from the Bible they mentioned was "tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem" from Luke....something like "endued with spirit" ....this is so fascinating......I have been briefly in Jerusalem.....I hardly felt endued with anything though I did see the Western Wall. It was a harrowing experience and I was interrogated annoyingly for hours by guards getting across the border and on a plane. I was never so fucking happy to get on a plane OUT if anywhere in my life! And I went through some horrible stuff after I returned......but......well I lived first of all. In no eway, naive and inexperienced though I was, did I deserve what happened. But a calling? something life changing like the cards said......got the archangel Gabriel that I know little about. Where am I going with this? I had a dream the bathtub overflowed and I flooded the apartment and last night I dreamt of an actress and cookoing........jotting down to make sense of later.......

truth light

truth light light is .....rarely is beauty truth. That's an absurd expression. Probably most beauty is deceptive?  Truth can get you killed also. But I cant live without it. I need to know the facts.....what is really happening. I deserve that right. We all do.

please dont misunderstand

I realize some clarification is needed.....there were good things happening as well which I am thankful for. I sound so moribund here dont mean to be. But.....how do I say this? I ......some things I cant go into. Thank god for quiet. Is all I can say for now.

back!

hey there folks.....trying to see if this works. sorry to be mia.....i had been feeling under the weather and took some rest.I am better now. this week has been really not good. it could have been worse.....personal issues. but on the up side i am on the threshold of change.....a lot of that. I can't wait for that because it is needed. I worked really hard to put new material together and in the midst of so much storm I have to remember what matters most to me and what i want. I made mistakes and I am sorry for that.  But now  its......what can I say? Anyhow......among other things new vlog channel if you havent seen it lauraalta on youtube. I will fix the sound yes. you can find me on twitter too lauralauras........will get back soon. I stayed in tonight and I am very upset about something. I had an instinct telling me going out was not a good idea. Also......cannot deal with being stuck in the city all night.

unhappy new years.....lets hope it gets better

happy new year! 

ok....I have to sadly say I got the paper this morning to read that in nyc three people all under age 20, one an 11 year old boy, were killed yesterday. Boy sometimes you just have that bad feeling. I've been through some stuff in my life but it goes to show it could always be worse. in one instance, talk about fatal attraction! a guy murdered his ex girlfriend,  19 years old.....then killed himself. this with a knife. no guns.  I guess it goes without saying the worst thing a person could do, there is some motherfucker out there to do them. To deprive someone of life.....it tears me up to think about it.......one thing if this person is a bastard sob but a little kid? it's beyond what I can imagine. or a 19 year old girl.....insane is insane.....but how long can people be let off the hook for that? at some point one has to take responsibility but ......oh. that such people exist in the world. thats humans, you know? they are out there.....

more on the fiscal crisis

I did some research on this (Im not a f***ing idiot, OK) Boehner, his so-called ties to big business lobbyists, his background.....unlike Romney he, according to what Ive read which is of course questionable, comes from a working class background, is from Ohio of German ancestry not too different from me......though I heavily disagree with his decisions, to put it mildly.....it's fairly interesting. But, to .......I am hard put to get on this.......I wrote a storm of heartfelt editorial on it by hand.......someone who has an apparent conflict of interest (hey, I'm repeating what others wrote) how are they in a position to determine where the money goes when so many people in America are affected, me among them? That is simply unacceptable and obviously unethical. Hades......who rules long-term investments and growth, and boy do they love to talk about this, the right......I am going to get a blast of fury for saying this......for now I'll leave it unsaid.....it.....I have to get off this topic for now. But.....I'm talking about something bigger than party politics and.....I will say this.  Power the subject here.....power corrupts? not sure if always. but considering my experience.....which I dont want to write about yet. Rip the scab off a wound that is still fresh.......it's painful and humiliating. I ......the memory of that kind of pain is loud and ever present. No one can go through that without wanting to see some kind of resolution. A very black heart one has, full of envy and hatred. And an insane arrogance and self-centeredness. But I can say this person is for the first time in her life feeling the impact of what she has done and is seeing she is not invincible. Maybe that's Hades as well. I will not name names and I am talking about a composite of people  and one person kind of overlaps.....but I see that it  pays not to be a cunt to people cause people remember......word gets around and you .....it catches up.

fiscal cliff?

bI was typing before my phone crashed I sure hope "they" resolve this just cause I'm so damn tired of reading about it! I went through a .....was horribly distressed yesterday about some stuff. personal. I am somewhat better. I went running today not as much as I was but my knees are holding up.....I have been staying in and training practicing  and am so tired in between.....I fall into bed. some girl yelled at me, which I heard but didnt see, you still running? I googled bayside park and its interesting the history of it and this woman wrote of her childhood here. the sixties. how "the neighborhood changed." pretty phoenomenal. but so it happens. the demographic she means. why is it that way? sigh. goodness if I can answer that.....


I made some really bad decisions last year. some of the worst of my life. I was almost forced to. I never, ever ever want to repeat that mistake. I wish it were otherwise. I just didnt know what to do. I will never do that again. But I don't understand why.damn phone crashed. goddammit!!!!! I was typing, before it got erased, some would say I used people. Maybe I did. And I regret that. I did not set out to. I dont do that, period. Intentionally. However, in terms of the bigger picture I feel used. I do. Maybe I'm being overdramatic but I feel that way. I feel manipulated. Whether that was intentional of them or anybody I dont know. now I am going to save. scuseme.it saved automatically TYVM. I do feel that I was used and manipulated as well. That is really not ok. From January til March last year I went through some of the worst hell of my life. I do resent certain people as they had a direct involvement look I dont know their intentions or anybodys for that matter. I only know what I sense.....but I was in a position of getting in the company of some people who hold views and emotions that honestly I find repugnant. I cant shake, for what it's worth, this feeling of dirt......

lost and re typed

this is tedious! i should be sleeping but I am not. It is too important.....so I wrote and the stuff was deleted grr! in my nightmare I am in the bathroom with HER and afraid she will see me even though she is right next to me terrified she will look me in the eye. sheer hair length luck she does not. i leave and go into a bedroom there is a man sitting on a chair I ask him to help me but dont know if he is alive or dead. i go to bed lie down and it is dark. there is a man's body next to mine. I am saying who is this I realize I am trying to wake I wake screaming......who is this who is this.....its still dark......i am trying to .....will myself awake. i wake finally in the dark. there is no one next to me.

storm and nightmare

im tired not up to writing but i am i feel my mind being stretched in two directions til its ready to snap. i have premonitions just feel somethings about to go down tho it has already. it's been an onslaught of bad and i mean bad or whatever you want to call it. i saw outside my window in jersey city lightning that lit the whole sky and shook the ground.the sky went from night to white. i saw visions of owls everywhere.....eyes googley eyes blankly staring.....so hey if you think this is all bunk crap baloney then so tis.i saw on facebook a beautiful painting of a beautiful woman with an owl. i was listening to a radio show where they talk about evil eye, and expressions in arabic, hebrew, yiddish for protection. jeanne darc used to say en nom dieu. whatever works, you know? or.......in egypt they had the widget. i mean, it says if youre lattractive youre especially susceptible. that song by the pussycat dolls "be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it" i know its a time honored expression but its in my head.....ok i realize i sound crazy. but you know i was.....feeling at risk. thus why i am writing this down. i am not religious. i am not .......i .......just know.is all. is a ......something.....

sorry it is hard typing from a hand held android but im getting used to it.....just have to take a break.....i once read a writers quote that if he were locked in a cell hed write on the walls. i was reading up on henry miller and thomas hardy.....ey all these writers.....if theyd lived in the "e" age: of blogging, vlogging.....i can only speak for myself cuz i know myself: i just have a natural instinct to express my feelings god i cant help it. i ama loud mouth it gets me into trouble, always has.  but its how i am. i yell from the rooftops. its not necessarily good.
anyway, on what i had written last: by "fucked up" night i mean this: i forgot my money and metrocard on the way back to jersey from lower manhattan. the distance is just a few miles. but for that short way it cost sixty kisses. hardly kisses they were. just one of those things. i was so pissed. i was getting something out of the drawer and thats when the vase (vase, short a as in rhymes with place or pronounced vahhhs which i think personally sounds pretentious and weird. but you know i am from chicago.....)tipped over and water spilled tragically onto the cable box, which now doesnt work. i mean, it sucks but what can you do other than fix it? that same night, a friend of mine was injured. so i have to fix this.....too bad as i started watching tv.....i never watched it much before. bimbette of my nightmare bneing one to discourage me.....along with my dad who was highly intelligent (he watched shows like CNN and all the news and knew everything about everywhere! as an ex military man i suppose it makes sense. i personally find that stuff so grim i .....its hard for me to watch) digress again my ADD acting up, excuse me.  

storms and food and no hand lotion

I realize, coming back to jc, i forgot lotion and i am very picky about what i use. palmers cocoa butter and mom got this awesome stuff as a giftn.....cocoa butter-like......shoot dont know the name. the rain and wind are quite pretty actually. very gothic. or something. its a light . breezy cool not that horrific noreaster a month ago that was hideous . i had a basically nice xmas with a few very nice gifts i am thankful for.not good for the looks department i feel lumpy and ravaged.....! i got some yoga videos as a gift but the catch is the vcr isnt hooked up and i spilled water on the cable box when flowers tipped on the dresser next to the tv on a fucked up night so have to spend time twisting and tweaking the gadgetry behind the tv til it works and have as of late just been too lazy. sigh. something for tomorrow. but when it all comes together it will be worth it! i was going to do some work but to add to my ....well what the heck it's almost midnight and tomorrows another day! i fell asleep earlier and had a nghtmare....about someone who is fairly well known.....a female. and a male whom .....

this is my rifle. there are many like it but this one is mine.

my rifle is my best friend. i must shoot straighter than my enemy who is trying to kill me    
ect.  
Thinking of this creed, which I just looked up, watching clips of Full Metal Jacket . Vincent D'Onofrio gave a wild performance in that! But I am thinking of this in light of the recent events. Why say what goes without saying? All those innocent people and children murdered.....("stained with the guiltless blood of innocents") ....I am enraged at reading about that.....I wont say all that was going through my head about lonney tunes (my interjected opinion) Nancy Lanza.....is any explanation necessary? itI have so much to say on this.....

mistype before "write" not "right"

maybe a slip. anyhow. boy am i getting bad!

storms that must be recorded

however one must right even if from a handheld. im getting better at this. please pardon the shoddy punctuation a definite f in AP Stylebook.....ironically i was helping grade papers last night.  i am worn but basically ok after quite a stormy, pun intended but also literally, morning which i vlogged (cq out lauraalta on youtube)  .....my head feels imploded like Boehners Plan B. it is so painful for me to read about that stuff.....really its like my skull is full of rocks. but otherwise good despite a few personal issues. this storm ties in with some things I have been involved in in my own time.......I am in my bleary eyed fatigue and after a rough and difficult morning quite pleasantly surprised at this. the wind feels tropical and I love tjat.....

blood.....swim out

from the Lady Gaga video Telephone:  "We gonna make you swim  out of here in your own blood!"

I have been watching bits of "Untold History of the United States" Oliver Stone's latest.......have to say after four decades in film he hasn't slowed down it appears. This is quite dizzying, I was shaken and very moved watching it at first. Of course, it's not very cheerful material. One serial killer, one horror film, one severed head....times that by, what, around fifty million? Indeed, enough blood was spilled in WWII to fill the Atlantic, seems, or the Pacific....not sure the exact math. But enough. US history is indeed saturated in that stuff.  Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn, where I used to live......check out the history of THAT place alone. Revolutionary War? Gruesome and filthy. Imagine.....that park is a giant crypt with 10,000 buried......that area, where the "rebels" were starved to death by the Brits (nice, my people), literally, how people lived with the smell of all those bodies plus everything else.....how did they live at all. I have more to watch of this....still......so more on it later.

askagangsta....Lady Gaga sick onstage

There are videos of this on youtube.....boy I have heard of kinky stuff but this blows them all away....who in their right mind would want to watch that? Poor girl whatever made her sick.......I have to admit.....I am so obsessed with the celebrity world. I wouldn't want to be that famous myself.....not even able to barf in private; but there's no privacy anyhow so, shurg.....

I F*CKING HATE TWITTER! Askagangsta

This guy is scary as hell and funny as hell!!!!!!

forgive forget

some things are heinous but forgivable. others are not forgivable (deliberate cruelty).......Blanche said and true. in some instances friends did stuff that I was angry at, very, but forgave under circumstances. In other instances, its going to be hard if not impossible.....I am currently pissed at someones behaviour during the storm which was jerkish and just plain wrong given the circumstances.....I go back and forth with some people. power corrupts? honestly ten years have passed and I am still furious at some.....you know show some gratitude. peoples anger, ego and absence of any conscience or empathy.......I am throwing darts yeah because then yeah I felt I was.....used by these individuals. hence why I am I mean I am holding back from what I was formerly thinking but Im going to be civil and not say.     However, others have exhibited actions that make them a gem. to me. I feel the love and give.....I dont pretend to be an angel. I acted horribly today gee wonder where I learned that.....lol.....heinous but forgivable I hope. Sorry ( no emoticons. thanks to those who were helpful. The storm has made a wreck of transportation and with no reliable and fast trains the path.....which was closed without explanation......the buses a disorganized, unstructured disaster   ok Ill stop whining but for five nights in a row I was stuck late in the city I perform and work at night I must be able to take a train or easily get a car at 2am what have you. It was hard but not impossible before the storm Sandy hurricane. Now its a stress that is unbearable. so.....I am eager to start again. at some time soon I am moving back to bklyn and also do not want to .......am hoping (cross my fingers hope!) I will get the chance I anticipate to be in the warmth come winter.......love NYC but need to break from it.....for a short bit. Of course I cant really leave but need.......an out. A short one

last post

apologies if that last was somewhat inane I was typing from an android and it was really hard to edit. I realize whine fest should be wine fest.....grapes and goblins what have you.....

waking.....

i bought this stuff florida water.....on a suggestion. never had this before.......vichy for my face and b2b for my hair. this stuff (not florida water) is pricey but you know it had to be. also tekkai holding stuff for my hair. i needed this......it feels like freshly spun silk though the styling lotion is a little heavy writing this as a diversion from this stff before I wrote. Its hard looking back feelits definitely not my best. More like a whine fest and over the top......I mean that's not me. Plus.....I am watching all these makeup channels. Also.....for the hell of it I bought some markers.....

photos and art

I despise Christmas music

and winter . I do not want to be here! I HATE the cold. And Christmas music. God someone please kill me.....this is why punk rock was invented......

back stranded and spooked and cold

because of the goddamn path trains not running....what jerks. I'm pissed. Three nights in a row I've been stuck til 5am. But one can turn on not good thing around.....I'm bleary eyed, squinty.......ripped apart, pulled apart, scared, really scared. Not like in fear for my physical safety. More like.......the dreams I've been having. As well as personal issues. But the dreams.....I haven't written on them. One was....I keep dreaming about the place my father lived in in Chicago. The high rise. In another life, another world. I lived there. I visited him during the summer as a teenager. After spending time in that BORING house in the hamptons.....sorry. But there was nothing for me there....at the time. I was fifteen, we lived right over 6th avenue and 4th street. Not a place to be for a teenager. How can you concentrate when everyone around you is having a fucking party, all the time? I didn't do well, in school. It wasn't good. I digress. Anyhow, I would visit Dad in Chicago and it's been so long........back then it was a pretty decent place to be. My friends there knew every hip place in town, where all the music and theater was happening, and we were right in those circles. The people in Ministry and Smashing Pumpkins as well as the Chicago theater actors, and formerly among my mother's friends the creme de la creme of the journalism and social world were all circling around me. Indirectly, but there you are. It's a small world there though.....so......

I am not in touch with any of these people any more. You know. It's hard. Chicago is a gorgeous city (with an ugly name) and has much going for it but there was something about New York which pulled me back. Something just wasn't right I couldn't put my finger on it.....I had to return to NYC.  That was how I felt......then. Actually it's how I still feel. 

So in this one dream I had.....about a month ago.....really bizarre. I'm in my dad's place, the high rise. He had moved there from this creepy basement apartment he'd had with a spiral staircase leading down to the basement of hell, it must have been....one which gives me nightmares. I used to see stuff there. He had a water bed. Truly scary this basement. The walls were exposed brick.....red, of course RED. I dreamt once I was sleeping on the couch...cause as a kid I'd get scared sometimes, go down the staircase from my room upstairs to sleep on this couch he had had by the bed.....I dreamt once I was sleeping there and Satan came out. I guess at the time Satan was the boogyman or what have you. I know there are those who view him different. But that's how I saw him then. Really this was like the sequence in Rosemary's Baby.....but anyway. So. He moved to a high rise overlooking the lake. Dad I mean. It was scenic, and dull. It overlooked a swimming pool that belonged to the building across from us. I'm not a fan of high rises. But I'd stand on the balcony summers and watch all the pool bathers. .......a TV and living room......where I'd watch movies all the time.......led out the door to this.  So .....in this dream I'm digressing again please chalk it up to sleep deprivation, being stranded, extreme pressure and......what I'm about to write about.......this guy, an actor......I won't say who it doesn't matter......he's auditioning actresses. Some women walk in....they are fairly well dressed up, like for an occasion. One of them goes out to the balcony and vomits. I think we're handed a script. I ask this woman sitting next to me, who is ....she seems Eastern European, what this is.....is it an audition. Before this....I am constantly dreaming of Lake Michigan....constantly. I am speed boating through the lake, through the park there....the water is warm, it's summer, then it's icy, then I pass cat o nines or something......then back to this apartment. I think.....just after Sandy.....I had another one that I was in this apartment......and Lake Michigan flew in in a tsunami......all the way up to where we were (22 flights up).....this could all be, according to Freud, a sexual sublimation. That must be it.

So

The 70s

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted


To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

Sylvia Plath "Tulips"    

Well, this is what the LES WAS at some time.....all was not sunshine and rainbows but still.......


This is a still from a film called "The Panic in Needle Park" I haven't seen it but would like to. Because I'm into things macabre. That's me, though. Here's the link: It was made in 1971. I think I may have seen something like this on TV when I was in France. Or a French version of it.

http://corrierino.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=938643&sid=2aa4601984a1c6d70c9748ed64f51fd3


Now THIS is a fucking depressing song: The Velvet Underground "Heroin"

"Away from the big city


Where a man cannot be free

Of all the evils in this town

And of himself and those around

Oh, and I guess I just don't know

Oh, and I guess I just don't know"

By Lou Reed

Coyote Ugly?

Back during the 90s....I didn't go see that film. But the character, as a songwriter.......that's what I wanted so much, to sing and write pop and dance songs. Singing turned out not to be my thing.....I tried and cracked up so hard, picturing myself as Piper Parabo in that film. But no matter, I can dance to these songs.......


Jellyhead Crush


In my dorm room at Hunter....constantly had this CD going figure what have you......

mental distress but getting there

the events of recently......brutal hell of the past two weeks that nearly wrecked my life........I cross my fingers and toes and whatever else......let them be over SOON. I must be having PSST or something. Again, all my thanks, in ways words can't express, to those who were helpful. I'm having very weird experiences with something. Yesterday was devastating. There were, interspersed.....um, better things. But not which I would write about here. I was able to run.....sort of. Tiny little steps. Bizarre and somewhat embarrassing.......in a small space in the park. But considering two months ago just walking was painful it's progress.

this week

Really hellish and nearly killed me in a lot of ways. I haven't been to my place in over a week. Everything is delayed, strained and today was.......I kind of had that feeling yesterday something (not just the storm, I knew about that) was going to happen, and it did. Friends have come through, and I'm thankful to them. Family as well. There are issues which I won't write about, personal ones, that have shaken me terribly today.  It should be over tomorrow. FINALLY over. I hope. I hope. 
Transportation, work, money, have all been severely interfered with. There are many people who have been sympathetic and helpful, which I am grateful for. Others could stand to be a little more. 

Today, another power outage on the train. This I found out after sitting on a bus for an hour and a half, from 8th st to 68th. We sat and sat and sat and sat. What option was there? The trains weren't running, there was snow and hail outside.

The worst part is the simple things like changing my clothes, re-polishing my nails, my shoes......my boots were soaked through (duh, forgot to wear rain boots) in the rain as I was walking in it for an hour and half and I am lucky I still have my toes. I threw them out (the boots) and bought a pair of storm ones which are ugly as sin but at least they are useful in this particular situation. And walking is not so painful and freezing.

I could theorize on this......what caused it.......many things. In my personal experience......well, I have my own understanding. Another time for that. If I got through this, like I did today, it was by a hair margin. Really. 
And it will all be over soon....back to life. Mine. I hope. I hope. I hope. XO

degrees of separation?

I tend to be in my head so much I don't realize how I'm connected to the people around me .....you know you see people but don't realize they are a link to someone else. Facebook helped me see that. I saw the film Six Degrees of Separation when it came out.....but the mystery sometimes is what is it that is connecting me to people?

post storm

I have MUCH to write on this......so bizarre. My goodness. One highlight is I learned to play Bridge. I stayed with family. I haven't been to Jersey in a week. I have a lot of things to deal with once I get there. This has been a catastrophe but we're fortunate to have the basics which I'm grateful. There are many things happening around the city I want to be a part of and have to make decisions as to what when where. I have pictures I took pre-storm. This will be yet another documentation of it. We could have been far worse off....at least we had the basics. But by that I mean the bare minimum....at least a roof over our heads, food, running water, a stove, coffee......candlelight. Lights are back on. I don't know if I can get the PATH to JC. Halloween was missed....but being I am always late anyhow I will do a usual Laura LATE Halloween performance.....in my costume. I have at least been practicing. My friend was kind enough to let me stay at his place a couple days. I caught up on the TV shows I like to watch.....and a very bizarre incident there. I will write more shortly.

me......

I rarely wear this much make up....but I'm getting more into this! I was going for a retro china doll look....I think it looks period 18th century a la Barry Lyndon......a little

times and storms

It's Sylvia Plath's birthday.......poor dead genius. This makes me a little teary. I'm not sure the mechanics of it all.....my head is hurting, my flesh is weak, there's a storm coming......I'm being tortured and have been for days now. I am, in the words of the great U.S. hero Timothy McVeigh, broken but unbowed. Perhaps her soul has inspired me and I've reached out to people I've been thinking about for some time but didn't have the courage to. But with the moon waxing into full, Plath's anniversary......and who knows what building, and cinnamon, patchouli burning in the window, the Sun having just entered Scorpio.......now's the time. And......I may have just made a total fool of myself. Also in terms of the storm......? This changes a lot. Not sure what I'll do.....

Page of Staves

got this twice: page of staves. as some kind of adversary, but right side up so maybe this is not an ill-intentioned person. weird. says she (probably a she) will be helpful. twice I got that a young female is going to help me or hurt me or both........always unclear ..... This is so well-written this site and insightful........in times of crisis I come here.....


who is this ? or is it me they're talking about? I'm in my own way and I'm going to help myself? 

this is what they wrote :

Page of Staves: A young person of faithful countenance who, even unintentionally, helps others. An unofficial Hermes: a carrier of important news, an envoy, a guide, a pleasant stranger. A suave, bring and noble soul.


Twice something about this. ......! 

getting back

hi there...... well. there's supposed to be a bitch of a storm coming my way to lovely jersey city! I hope that means with the storm will come a super duper super surge of stuff my way! Things I've been asking for.......



 

Say It Isn't So - Hall & Oates

I used to watch this video when I lived in Chicago....haven't seen it in many many many moons....but now I recognize they're on the water....same where I was running constantly before my injury

Goth store, Halloween

oh good ness gracious where does the time go? Still have no Halloween plans, though I can guess to myself in an ideal world what I'd do. This is an amazing corner of New York City, near a church I was taken to as a high schooler. There's a crazy costume store right next to it.....how do I say? Cheesy maybe to say but .....how to put it.....it's otherworldly.

I

am just mad because I wasted so much time on this issue. And.......suffered unnecessarily. Absolutely unnecessarily. Jesus where was my sanity? People tried to tell me I admit I turned a blind eye. This all coincided, if you want to call it that, with Michael Jackson's death......Amy Winehouse died near my birthday. I read something about soul appropriation or...well anyway. Not me trying to do this.

sitting on the bus today, in the rain

watching the city......still fascinated by the 1970s or obsessed or something. I'd been discussing with a friend the subject of parallel universes.....a giant collider, I think that's what it's called, running between Germany and Switzerland......that can target and separate the tiniest atom particles. The name will come back. Somehow there is a connection with this and the above mentioned. This article I saw in National Examiner (fine, laugh...hey it's not me writing this) said if parallel universes exist then somewhere Elvis is alive, and has been and will be living the same life thousands of times over. Ditto of course for everyone else. But this is slowly being proven. How bizarre is life......Everything we've been taught is wrong?

again

I have much to add ...... some women are so desperate to keep a man who is not in love with them it's.....I've heard of them resorting to basically blackmail/extortion. No joke. That's when you KNOW you are pathetic!

Money Pak scam?

Something going on here. Something really not good. Ugh.

cafe pick me up

makes the most awesome bruschettas...I think they're called that. honey, goat cheese, fresh coriander....something like that. I think. It's a pretty setting, too. Unfortunately, a friend of mine had a problem with one of the waiters there, who harassed her. Same at Simone. That is obviously not ok. Too bad.....I was fond of these places.....

sorry(

so behind. catching up

Today is my father's birthday

Happy Birthday Dan! Love you and may you be in a better place.

good news

I have a space heater now.....because of this I am getting scads of sleep which is helping

GOD DAMN IT

lost my phone again. so aggravating! off to get a replacement.....

have to have heat

off to find a heater......I went to five stores yesterday and could not find one. Amazingly I managed to sleep....a lot.....and not get sick which I normally do when I sleep in the cold. It's actually kind of nice, like a crispy chilliness not that relentless grey gloom that comes typically with winter, though it's still fall. I'm so behind on my plans don't know what on earth to do for Halloween except, hmm? Either go out and party hardy or else something peaceful and private. I'd normally do the second one.

OMG search?

Not sure how I ended up there. Anyway. I took down some stuff as the response I got was a little unsettling. They aren't "nude" pictures anyway.....weren't meant to be taken as that. The other stuff....that person is gone thankfully. Period. It also ......it just wasn't my best stuff. I have written many many pages by hand which I'll transcribe shortly. Crazy as always.

it shall be soon. I'm on super super deadline for something else. Was supposed to do that but inexplicably ended up writing til 5am. maybe I should submit this instead.

wall art in NYC

While I was walking around one night....getting on the train I found this painting. Not sure the artist.....I thought it was pretty disturbing but well done.

at rite aid, a few days ago

This is Hoboken at like 7am or so. It was a really pretty scene with the seagulls flying around. They were having their breakfast, I suppose. I fed them a couple slices of blueberry cake.

since I'm here

at the computer with no pen, among other problems......I'll post some of my art.....

oh.....

this day is the anniversary of something.......oh god. I know this date very well. Maybe that has to do with what I'm writing about.......anyway.

today, last night

IOOh I believe, though I haven't checked thoroughly....it's the beginning of fall equinox. Not surprisingly, considering the intensity of everything. On the up side well a bunch of things. I'm writing new material first time in a while. It's pretty crazy......stuff......everything will be done far differently this time as now I konw what I'm doing. A few other new things. One terrible thing, or person rather, is leaving FINALLY .....this creep who moved in as a neighbor who was yelling at me and threatening and spying on me is LEAVING may he never return. I was feeling unsafe for the first time ever where I was living. His stupid smoke alarm went off the other morning while he was out. He's the only one who smokes. The window fell as I was trying to fix it...mine....as it cracks in an annoying way....and I cut my finger, or rather it did. Blood spurt out for a bit......finally it began to clot and dry and I guess I'll live. My leg was sprained and I had to stay off it for a week I am feeling dreadfully out of shape but it's finally healed thank you very much.....ice and tons of rest.


Dreams:

This one....just this afternoon, or rather from yesterday.....I was auditioning for Star Wars.....walked into some kind of basement but like a studio......all kinds of machinery and like ships and stuff like a set. The cast of the film was there....but instead of them like their bodies they were plastic....like Barbie dolls or something....but still moving and talking normally.  These women who used to be in a feminist group I used to visit were admitting people....and they, one of them, was lecturing me about not showing up to something or forgetting...but she let me through. Had me fill out some kind of paper.....you know like the ones they give you. 


Side note: I'm obsessed with the make up tutorials by Pixiwoo.....she's putting on red mascara in one I'm watching. I've gotta try that.....this particular woman Sam has eyes like mine though hers are like sea green...gorgeous.....anyhow. Digression.

The night before I dreamt I was in Egypt. Maybe due to some crazy article I read online on ritual murders.....pretty fucked up obviously. Let me just say that ANYONE who thinks performing a ritual murder is going to help them in any way like a sacrifice to the gods.....is not a sane human being nor an example of anything. In one particular instance it backfired on this person.....what a dumbwit. Anyway. So I am in Egypt and going back to a place I stayed in when I was there. Except I didn't stay there but rather used to live in an apartment in Evanston when I lived there as a kid that looked like that. I think this guy I had been seeing was there, too. The next night....there was a show on about Egypt I heard on the TV ...I could hear from my room.


I had this feeling like the blood spilling from me earlier was like some kind of symbolic part of the rite of fall....something like that. The new moon. And from elsewhere. Have to say blood rather fascinates me. I was reading an article on bloodstain pattern analysis.....as well as on the suicide/suspected murder of Kurt Cobain among others..... Freakily similar. But to go into that is.....too long for now. Oh, yes. And something else. I don't want to reveal too much....but such was not what I thought.....some new unexpected element has entered. But that too perhaps pissed some off.....? hm.

Madonna booed off stage in Paris after fans pay £200 a head for concert ...

  I'm being harsh here but for a reason.....one of real humanity among other things; and in the service of art and spirituality, that which is genuine and from the source. At the beginning Madonna told people to "start saving their pennies, I'm worth it." Hm. Doesn't seem that way, does it? I could have told these people from the get go to spend their money for much better, higher purposes. I only am exposing this ugly truth for what it is in the instance of some horrific and terrible acts of brutality I've witnessed from those in her circles, and her. And for the fact that there are those who attempted to censor and harm me. I thank the workings of justice, peace and human rights. In French they were saying the show should have been free. I would not go to see it if they paid me.

checking in!

I have not really been able to sleep well. So much going on. I'm brimmed over. All spilling out. I was hurt in my right knee (same problem, goes away, comes back) I twisted and sprained the hell out of it. For three days I had to stay as inactive as possible, considering this is NYC and it's not really possible to do that. There's someone renting a room where I live who is creepy and weird and who I pray and will and whatever else will work will leave because I'm getting a vibe like the Unibomber or you know  that type. Part of why I'm distressed and restless. Not the only reason. There are other, better things, thank you. But so much of what I thought was......how do I say? There've been some drastic changes. A lot of bizarre happenings. My instincts turned out to be not paranoia but very real and true. 

I'm listening to Sasha and Digweed Delta Heavy....God I don't get tired of writing about them! Something about this mix.....was so wound up I put this on at 5am.......what is it? Partly that I refuse to be in NYC for winter and Miami is one place I'll be alternately.....I love it there! White sand and sea shells, to start. And of course the waves.....other stuff I won't go into .....

as for the present

Yes I have lots going on and am.....I have to memorize my own words as I'm supposed to recite them tomorrow night. I'm really prepared! Last night.....for .....I had been kind of brainstorming this week for new material and anyhow....I got the idea to do a monologue...as I hadn't done anything really dramatic or seen any plays in so long. It's nice to see people do that because it's relatively rare. It was from a Margaret Atwood book....and went over fabulously. I relate so strongly to the material and to the character.....even though she's more or less a villain in the book.

so that and.......I took a million great photos but had some kind of problem uploading them....I will try to do this presently......these were taken around the city at night....the first is a costume shop next to Grace Church.......more graffiti art....and at the train station.

hi.....D!D ect

It's been yet again a while since I posted. Now that I have better internet access.......

I went to Under St. Marks yesterday.....performed at 2:30 AM as usual.....I wonder if I'm destined to perform with Goodwin, the rappers and Bob Bell. I think I am. But I could do worse! They're all brilliant acts....I'm very pleased that there is so much creativity in the city still. I made some new friends last night who were kind enough to shelter me at their place in Washington Heights and save me the tedious trip back to Jersey City at 3 in the morning. They had the most darling three cats; one was kind of a midget and very super friendly. It's so pretty up there.....as are the buildings and apartments. Sigh. It brought back memories being up there....of when I lived there at different times in my life. I found John Digweed's Global Underground album on YouTube I suppose a bootlegged copy. I've had so many copies and versions of that CD! Back....what was it? Like 13 years ago, goodness.......weird how the past comes back to bite you or maybe just slap you in the butt! My friends live at the train station I used to get off at back then......I had broken up with my boyfriend of the time (whom I ran into by the Path train recently....him coming back from a "rave" he looks the same and hasn't changed....) and took a room up in the Heights in a panic as I had hardly anywhere else. It's a mostly Dominican neighborhood.......this place I used to go to for cafe con leche in the mornings there......there's probably nowhere in NYC where they make them that great. You just won't find it. The person I rented from was a real prick, unfortunately. Everyone was cool except the one I was in most proximity with. But......for the time being.....I know that period so intensely because it was a time in which at times I suffered horribly BUT something happened in the interim and I became really blessed too.....cheesy? There was so much change occurring. For a while...it was great. I moved in with a friend of my mom's who lived downtown (after I fell out with that person up there) and my job was on Whitehall Street....so few people have the luxury of paying very low rent to live in lower Manhattan......I'd get these giant Mochas in the morning on the way to work.....so I'm listening to this CD now and anyway. That and being in that area. All in the summer and year leading up to 9/11. And I'd had many premonitions of that as well. For a while, though.......it was good. I used to make weekend trips to London, Berlin. Where am I going with this.....? ??? And performing, then, in my friend Andru McCann's show.....and he was so sweet as he recently cast me in one of his films........! I hadn't acted in forever. Anyway. 

So I got off the train from the Heights coming back to the present.....they were kind enough to let me doze off after that very intense night on St. Marks.......I must have stuffed my face in a copybook way....from last night perogis (from the Ukrainian place) cream, beer, whiskey soda and today veggie burgers, cheese and fries.....hardly diet food.....I got off the train at 66th street (the signs there.....as I have the OCD obsession with numbers.....66th street on one side then another became 6666.......? meaning of that?) because the car I was in had no AC and usually I like it on the warm side but this was ridiculous.....I was sweating miserably and wearing the outfit from last night....starting to feel like trailer trash indeed.....and very fat. I went over to ------- and not sure what I'd do except use the computers because they are much faster than what I have in JC. I used to run constantly on the west side bike path but in spite of articles I read recently saying running is good for joints......after my injury from this summer I"m worried I'd hurt myself......but I can write and finally upload all these pix......

thanks to you uptown for hosting me)