latest ect

OK well I'm .....of all the crazy stuff i dealt with before. Dancing, calves sore, very.

Oops! Guess "people" are reading this of whom I write. I'm over my hysteria. I swear I'm working on it. Peace. Love. D


I have been in exile but not sleeping for the most part....I started dance training again really intensely. I decided, because I just didn't want to run through the park, maybe I'd have a moment of .....internal .....what do they say? Getting in the zone or something like that. I decided to run around the room I know it sounds weird but I figured I'd start out slow and get my metabolism going because I would always feel sick before running through the park....

So I went up and down the stairs at my school. It was so exhausting; I was huffing and puffing and what words can describe? So the next day my calves were sore in ways I've never experienced in my life. I could barely walk for two days. Just now I'm getting back to normal. Going up and down subway stairs....walking.....I almost couldn't. I had to hoist myself down stairs. Super hot showers helped. I could only walk with my legs apart. Ow, I would say with practically every step. And today I had to take the train all over the place.

There is so much more and oh what craziness? A wretched headache. I did however find an unlimited metrocard. Blesses! TY

Light!

My dear Ray, let's get in contact again.

my legs hurt. a lot. hard rehearsal

my morning starts with no caffeine, having been stuck on the f train for four hours the am before. Rain. No others. No money. No food. I got soda and two bananas for breakfast. Last night got fucked up. The first OPOOOOOOOOOOOOONHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

fucking email I get is this really snotty one from my sister asking for her shirt and dress. It's always nice when someone contacts you just to snap at you and accuse you. It is hard for me to get this STUPID dress that she NEVER wears what do people just want to fight for no reason? Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because it's mixed in with other stuff at friend's house in brooklyn then I'll be pressured to get other stuff that I CANT get so what? OK???"?????????????????????????????????????????


Then J after I've been trying to reach him for four days and not getting any response just pops in on me to tell me he's here and a) I'm not prepared and b) he's "staying with Don" which is BS. There's that It involved if he insists on having insane people in his life (I'm not going to say her name) it's NOT my problem. I've suffered for no reason for years because of this fucking insane evil bitch and I'm DONE. I KNOW she's involved. SICK of this.

NOW. Start the morning over without bitchiness or ...........................?

I had been stuck off the F train last am when I was supposed to take the R which was supposed to be the N ..........................? Took a shower and did my make up so I could look hot for all the people on the F train out in.....what place was this? It was ................how do I even describe this? 39th street off the F it was like some weird I don't know what. The design looked like something out of that movie "Crops" or some kind of B horror film . Out the window I could see the what looked like brothels (these guys standing outside some kind of bar) and the neighborhood hookers waiting outside.........they must have had more fun than me.

It's one of those.



And my period is starting.



Thanks for giving me J but I need the other things and yes it is getting to me. I'm SICK of this. SICK of her. SICK of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SICK of this








My apartment and living situation is not solved. So sue me, OK? What the hell do you want me to do?

Borat - Cambridge University

Cambridge students 'work as prostitutes'

"We don't indulge ...." whatever the holier-than-thou American said. Oh really? They don't bring them in, they are them?

It's the ones that protest too much that you have to look out for.

The computer I'm at is "research priority" and watching Borat is research!

stuff, creative

yes with great talent c0mes responsibility. what a burden! If I sucked, it'd be easy; I could just be a ....fill in the blank.

So I have this.....a dance involving rose petals but I know that's messy. I can see it now bits of petals everywhere. so the alternative? ????? There must be something. or a video of me dancing in a field or at le trap w/roses

My site is getting hits from all over the world! I have a huge following in Denmark of all places. Funny how random this kind of stuff is.

runner's block

I wrote about procrastination mainly running that I .....feel like dying before it. It really is joyless I cannot for the life of me understand how someone can enjoy it. I just can't wrap my brain around it. But you know we're all different. I wish I had more mania in me.................

So if you ask me "Where are you going?"

Two answers. Depending on who you are.

The first place is rather mundane and you probably won't regret asking me or hearing the answer.

The second one is pretty exciting and you probably shouldn't ask me cause I don't think you want to know the answer.


I wrote about this but it's not something I'm going to post for "everyone." For those who know my other site, I'll put it there.

about to run through the park and I am going to commit suicide

I can't do anything without running first but it's too crowded and I hate people. I just do. I need to go back to my videos and crime shows. I hate this. This blows the roof off the world trade center. I hate people. I hate running through Central Park.

another

back nysc
space
medicine
hi

dont' really "hate" anyone well

I was very whiny before. I don't know what happened......but I got it all out of me. Really I don't "hate" women or men. Not that I'm not pissed off. Or I was. I'm not now.

Why.....every time I'm about to run through Central Park it feels like a death and torture sentence. I've written this before. I don't understand for the life of me how anyone can enjoy it. That's why I flipped yesterday. I am NOT a people person ......


I have to watch TV and videos. Going up and down hills and dealing with tourists and then these guys hitting on me. Ugh. I don't know.

why is it

I hate the women who did this to me more than the men? From the women it's so evil no....it's like you'd never thought evil like that could exist. Why ....that must be why I'm not a feelingless person......love is in my heart but I made the terrible mistake of extending it to some ......how do I even begin to say how wrong they were? How undeserving. The fourteen years, no.....twenty, thirty, so many, too many, my God.....how could it be? Those years I had the misfortune of having them come into my life could have, should have been spent creating something beneficial to humanity. But people's pettiness, stupidity and envy..........what awful people. Awful people.


My own generation. But more than that. The badness is severe. It's nearly irreparable.


People did try to warn me.

After what you did to me, am I supposed to pity you? I don't remember getting any sympathy from you when I was kicked to the ground. You were among them doing it. You spit on me. Oh, did you forget?

also

I must be under attack. I have my suspicions. One is.....she knows who she is. She's not the only one but I do suspect her. She is a madwoman and well that's all there is to it. What choice do I have? Except.....


I also dreamt that I was a journalist interviewing Neo Nazis and riding my bike through East Harlem. A lot of empty parking lots.

melt down

I ran through the park and lost it. It wasn't pretty. I was pissed at J pissed at my mom pissed at everyone who didn't give a shit that I was suffering it's not THEIR problem....then this girl and a nice lady expressed concern.....I was screaming. I hated everyone. But this nice older woman tried to help and what could I do? I just felt like, after all this time you didn't care that I am DYING NOW suddenly you do? What do I do? JC said keep the drama on the page. But I wasn't feeling social I just wanted space to myself and couldn't get it J with his comments and other men with their shit I won't go into that here. I am pissed at men, pissed at women for different reasons. And all I wanted was ...I didn't WANT to run. I MUST get back into NYSC and have my videos and crime shows and I had been watching Lady Gaga and having to run through the park and deal with people and I'm NOT a people person so SUE me ok? I was acting abominably like my family and hating people. I don't really hate people. But I have had to deal with some really bad stuff. There has been good which I'm grateful but there was bad as well. And people like the ones I dealt with who .....had this entitled attitude with me, like I owe them something. This is AFTER I gave them money! Nothing will be enough for them. Like what? What the fuck do they expect? I mean YOU YOU know who you are! Sifat? Isabelle? Ed? was that his name? Other Ed? This other guy I know he's pissed at me but it's not my fault! I lost it very badly. I was hurt by others I've seen people do really evil stuff to other people. I don't want to be fucked over the same way. But what do I do? I had to fight back. Only for so long can I contain hysteria. She said keep it on the page. I am trying. I did write it out. That was so hard. But a release. Still, I'm moving not writing.

Utah Saints Something Good '08 : Download OUT NOW!!

Maybe there is no "perfect" but this has the right combination of I don't know.......Wales!

casual encounters

.....you have to have a sense of humor about this .....some of these ads crack me up. The Bronx ones mainly: here're a few:

cum f**k my ass hole... - w4m - 20 (new york)

---

Date: 2011-05-05, 10:52AM EDT
Reply to:

^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

I am 20 years old, Light brown skin black female, funny, down-to-earth, outgoing, smart, and I would love to meet someone new.
I'm 5'4,thick 215-220, mixed ethnicity, brown eyes,very attractive.

So anyone Want to do this…

• Location: new york
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

DREAM GIRL - w4m - 26 (NORTH EAST BX)

---

Date: 2011-05-05, 10:45AM EDT
Reply to:

^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

6FOR6

4ONE9

NINEEEEEEEFOR23

• Location: NORTH EAST BX
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

	Men seem to love behinds, not sure why

Beatfreakz - Somebody's Watching Me

Just found this. Never seen before!

Beatfreakz - Superfreak

God this is genius. Have to say again. Inspired!

must have

slept countless hours. There had been.....I dreamt of my dad, again, and us picking up dry cleaning. It was in his old building. I had gone across the street to do it and he later told me I could have done that in the building we were in. There were, in this place, racks of worn out clothes. I was going back to school....high school? Bizarre. Have this a lot.

Waking, I had a horrible taste in my mouth. I couldn't really eat all morning.

I read, ok this isn't the most reliable source, that one actress, who is not old, wants to get a total facelift that will leave her in pain for more than a month and cut up her face, cut fat off her legs....ugh! I mean, if this is true, that is TOTAL insanity! She's going to make herself into a freak--I've seen too much of that --for what reason?

I heard of chicks getting Botox at 22, something like that. And plastic surgery. I'm now in my thirties.....eeh, hate thinkng of age( but look at me I'm great. You know? I'm healthy. I run and do yoga. Beauty flowers! Yeah it's important people try to down play it.

vuelve vuelve

correction. means "come to me, come to me."

so many things, too many to mention.

parts

back to auditioning, getting new pictures a real pain in the ass, but now I really know what I'm doing in ways I didn't before. All will take a good deal of exertion and results won't be overnight, or maybe they will!

I can't wait for the Men In Black shoot. Of course I'm aiming to rise up......in at least one way.

never know where life will take you.....

some people in, others out. maybe there's a pun in there.

then out, then in.

gets pretty dizzying.


Who knows what is.....but I'm following my instincts.

why

look in the mirror, and you will see the exact cause of why this happened. This is YOUR doing. If you hadn't been such and asshole, I wouldn't have been tempted to stray.....

dreams

I had the weirdest dream today....we were in the music room, one of the rooms. someone came up to us, a guy, and you beat him up

On Calamus

I'm researching various herbs and this is one. There is a great deal of information on the net, and me not being a botanist or biologist, it's not for me to explain that way. But I have found out that this drug was "tested" on animals in a laboratory; fed to them. In rats, it caused tumors. Thus it was banned from U.S. markets as a medicine.

Calamus has been used for thousands of years around the world as medicine (for human beings). Its main use is as a sedative.



From the site Drugs.com this is written:

Calamus Adverse Reactions

Little or no adverse reactions data is available, as all calamus products have been removed from the US market because of toxicity.

In other words, according to this article, there is little evidence of toxicity as human medicine. It has been removed from the market due to its injection in unwilling participants in a scientific study: rats. This was enough proof that it's dangerous. But in fact, it is not toxic; it is beneficial. On this same site it is written:

History

The fragrant underground portion (the rhizome) has been used medicinally since biblical times. Popular European books on medicinal plants touted calamus as a “wonder drug.” It was commonly used in folk medicine as a nervine, most likely linked to the tranquilizing effect of cis-isoasarone (the major component of the oil). 3 It has been used in traditional medicine for the treatment of digestive disorders and childhood colic. Infusions of the rhizome have been suggested for the treatment of fever, and chewing the rhizome has been said to relieve irritated throats and to remove the odor of tobacco.

The ground rhizome is used as a spice and commercial flavoring in drinks, cosmetics, and toothpastes. However, because of an association with isoasarone and the development of tumors in animals, the use of calamus and its extracts is prohibited in the US.


So results from an animal model were criteria for banning a drug that has been used successfully as medicine for thousands of years. Bottom line, animal and human biology is not the same, we do not react to chemicals the same way dogs or rats or any animal does. This proves my point, not just mine but that of many other animal activists, that animal testing is FRAUD and must be banned. Animal testers belong in jail. NOWHERE ELSE. They are sick individuals who know what they are doing, know that the evidence they provide to the public and FDA is completely unreliable and useless, not to mention they willingly hurt innocent beings, knowing it serves no practical purpose whatever.


http://www.animalliberationfront.com/Philosophy/Animal%20Testing/Vivisection/vivisectionfaqs.htm

http://www.afma-curedisease.org/


http://www.peh-med.com/content/4/1/2


The fact that I'm posting this link will make me a target for the FBI as a "terrorist" because these people have been monitored for years. But, name calling does not erase the facts. A crime is a crime, regardless of a person's job or status in society. There are many, the stories are endless, corrupt judges, police officers, professors, governors, ect. ect. well you get the idea.


There are many sites which explain the uses of calamus in treating many illnesses here's but one:
http://www.herbcraft.org/calamus.html

I love procrastinating.....after intense creativity

is fascinated by tabloid gossip. the relationship between kate hudson and matthew bellamy liz taylor richard burton sean penn/robin wright/scarlett johansen who's divorcing/cheating/marrying/expecting......makes me feel less a cow if I am knocked up. face it, people want to watch others (rich people) suffer that's why they read this.


I bum around like this after a performance I am doing new material which squeezes me dry. but I am again getting fabulous responses! Vuelve Vuelve/LSD 25.........


and yoga. that's rough. keeping focus.

after a long night's work at the club I catch up, as per ritual, on the latest current events and literature: that means the National Enquirer at Duane Reade. Seriously I love reading this. It's not all alien spaceships they report on murders and people who are literally real life vampires. That's not made up. And.....all this stuff about Michael Douglas............Elizabeth Taylor..........

I feel for Michael Douglas and what he's going through. And anyone with cancer, of course. my family has had its share.

also.....a stream of young women being killed and no one knows why ............just last night I was having a good one at Penny's Open Mike which went very well. Did my new stuff, good response. Turned on the news this morning, yahoo headlines, and read that another woman was stabbed by her boyfriend. That and the Russian woman and her mom. And that girl ......Coit? forgot her first name. One woman ended up in a dumpster outside club Space in Miami, where I went. The reality hooker star Brooke Phillips was found dead and burned somewhere. It goes on and on. A day at the morgue, what would that be like? Brooke Phillips was made out to have a pretty nice life but I guess it wasn't so much. Again, no explanation.

I did read that most murder victims are males, killed by other males.

under attack?

I may have been. I went through hell last month. I'm feeling some of the aftershocks. Last month was horrible. With the tsunami in Japan and all the shit in Congress by the shitheads there......ugh! I met someone who knows that banal Boehner and who said he is certifiably psychopathic. He NEVER should have been allowed to get this job! That and my personal problems. A nasty row I had with someone. And other stuff. I won't deny I get jealous and vindictive. Others get that way with me. I'm not pretending to be a saint, you know.



I have to, had to wash this off me. Slowly. The tarot cards even said a new clarity would come.

today

for some reason I was in a horrific mood, that combined with just wanting to sleep. Maybe one instigates the other. I was pissed off. I'm better now. I bought a 2 liter bottle of mountain dew and chocolate cookies and I'm a little better. I don't know what came over me.


I ran for an hour, but got back and just wanted to sleep. I was feeling very antisocial.


My usual routine that I'm supposed to keep up with, I have to catch up on.


On a better note, I'm thinking of what I want to do for summer thank god it's almost here. Enough of that crap February March weather! I ran into a guy on the bus yesterday whom I had worked with on the set. He is a producer, writer of pop songs. This woman was with him who said she's his manager. We had a nice conversation and possibly he can help me make pop songs.......

I want to audition for summer stock. That'd be a way ....well, I've never done it before. (!) why the heck not. Tennessee Williams......I've always wanted to be in Suddenly Last Summer. It's been an eternity since I've done plays.

Vuelve Vuelve Debut

I want to use this term (google to find meaning; it's Spanish for "return return" could be a lost lover or lost or stolen or lost, anything, really). Part Christian/Peruvian native mysticism. Associated with the Catholic Saint Anthony, who finds things.

Here's the poem I wrote and performed: I'm combining dance with spoken word. Eventually music and singing.


Amulet in red
red I bled

how did her face get pale, paler still?

And it's white, just like the moon

Swept away, off my feet

the groom, the bloom


red dust, let it rain down on us




Nice? I worked hard on this, the writing and dancing. Now, with great talent comes responsibility: on to performing this elsewhere and publishing. For dinero: which I need. The more the merrier the lovelier.



Thank you, in the deepest way, to those who complimented me and encouraged. It means everyhthing! If you thought it was shit, that's ok too. I'm happy I finally put this together and got it out there: because THAT is the hardest part. Perspiration and tears and then some!

Blesses kisses!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sarah Coit

This is someone who had everything going for her....except street smarts I guess.

"jisnotused 2 comments collapsed Collapse Expand

Do they have an article explaining why women are attracted to ferociously balding psychotic looking men with a peanut shaped face that wear a red velvet blazer?"

• A Like
• Reply

maybe because they're not. That's the biggest misperception among men---that women are attracted to assholes. That is simply not true. I repeat, that is NOT true.Get it? Or invertedly, men are attracted to bitches? anyway, I fail to see what she saw in him. personally I would run as far as I could......but maybe he put on a good act. you know? it's not something she anticipated probably I would imagine. Maybe she had self esteem issues, maybe not. Sad thing is, the city is so full of chaos, you hear loud screams all the time, and 98 percent of the time it's a false alarm or people messing around. Then the other 2 percent occurs, and people don't pay attention because they assume it isn't anything. The neighbors called 911, but it was too late. New Yorkers, contrary to what you hear, do care...at least many of them.....about someone else's need or suffering if it's extreme. People have stepped in for me in distressful times and I'm very grateful for that.
I would imagine. but in this day and age that ANYONE would tolerate, or be allowed to tolerate,
abuse like that, not know any better.....is the real travesty. there are SO many social services and social workers, whom she probably had much access to, who would have said you do not have to take this from anybody, no one has a right to abuse you. especially someone with the opportunities, advantages and resources she had; she had access to any number of psychiatrists, social workers, psychologists, school counselors, ect, who would have absolutely told her that. But.......obviously that didn't register. Or she wasn't told that or not enough. True, she could have witnessed this in her parents' relationship (that tells you something)......and tragically there are women around the world who just don't know any other way. But you wouldn't think in upper middle class, educated East Coast America girls wouldn't be educated against or about domestic violence? OR.......very believable and more likely........ he was stalking her and she couldn't get rid of him. Very likely; because sometimes the law does not completely protect the victims. true, she could have had anyone, but chose this pof? the bigger picture....that she was set up to tolerate this when she shouldn't have been. OR .....is there any record of her calling the police or any 800 number for stalking or domestic violence victims, or her getting an order of protection (if she was strangled she had ample proof)...........you know??????? A lot of open ends. Tragically, she wasn't saved when she could have been.

murdered hookers

Hm. in light of what's happening in Long Island (seems to be a haven for mass murderers) and reality star Brooke Phillips being murdered....and too many others to mention.

These are really hate crimes against women. I would say we're not in an equal society when this is happening.

I think I saw the episode with her. Seemed to have a pretty charmed life (flying to LA to get her hair done; though I'm inclined to disbelieve that) but I guess not.

on another note

I had decided I miss acting. I kind of drifted away from it but it wasn't my intention. So I started looking for work and was hired as an extra......yeah low status but I got paid to show up, and that's about it. I was even able to work in between. The people on the set were all very cool......and I met other people all of whom had tips on getting more work and agencies.......ah so many things. Probably 85 percent of a job is getting the job. Classes workshops agents ect ect so I got on the computer on 2 hours sleep and sent my picture to anywhere and everywhere just about. SAG roles non SAG (getting in the union another goal) and yes I was happy to be working NOT on some shit job I take just to pay the bills but something I believe in. Don't let anyone tell you you can't get a job you enjoy: they're full of it. Of course I aspire to move up on the heirarchy, but getting paid to hang out and meeting the people I did well I do miss it. Others inspired me. Best and better.

Then I was up til like 7am (after finishing at around 3am on the set......they had fed us til they ran out of money.) Then we stood out in the crap weather for what must have been a couple hours while they filmed a scene from every angle......so I left very exhausted but started working on a dance/performance piece I'm creating. Did my exercises, dance. Stretched. Meditated. It worked wonders. I solved a wretched problem today. Not entirely but mostly. Kudos ect. (!)

night at work

made money, for which I'm grateful because I need it. I had some company that was turning out not good. this person grabbed my hand and was trying to give me orders. NOBODY grabs me. I'm not his servant. I like this club. I believe in it. But you don't go into a place like this feeling entitled or like the women there are obligated to serve you. You go to have fun.....but occasionally there's a retard you know. A part of me feels compassion for people like him. He alienated people with his approach. He wasn't bad looking. What can I do? I was praying, please get him away from me. Divine intervention happened.....he found someone to give him attention then I was able to make my exit without a bad scene. Thank you!

stalking?

more on this

moi

Laura

people

are jealous? malicious? someone out there is

dreams

had a dream about something a woman between east 1st and york stalking.....? or some kind of unwanted contact. two women.

the tarot cards have been very disturbing lately. betrayal, death, disaster and love. jealousy.

speaking of

I got the inspiration from my online tarot reading.

"The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Queen of Swords, when reversed: Consuming fire; the flames of the martyrdom of Joan of Arc, Phaedra's misguided passion, Medea's jealousy, Lady Macbeth's ambition. Fire, if left to burn unchecked, can consume the soul."

Pretty good for online advice. There is a crazy woman in the foreground, or background, but who is it? I keep getting this card and page of swords reversed. Spying.

in cafe pick me up

and I'm picked up. was at penny's open mic I'm missing some seeing some. gas lights in this place. got on this online tarot site queen of swords, reversed. I get that all the time, and page of swords.


A jealous

vindictive woman


someone's in or out for the kill

blood time
that explains a lot

fourteen years and 10 near death experiences later

so sue me. fuck me. show me. screw me. help me. mercy. mercy. screw me. mercy. mercy. sue me. your sacrificial lamb. your light. the light is on me. on me. on me. on me. thank you. thank you.

Ended up in Kings Highway, Bklyn

one of these weird things, not expected. work-related. This is a charming area, with many Orthodox Jewish and Eastern European immigrants. Very colorful. I ended up in a newspaper stand with Polish and Russian newspapers, local teens buying soda and skateboarding.....two lesbians who got on the train with me. They were very intriguing to me........all these kids are diverse and have character a far cry from the homogeneous private school kids on the UES where I am every day. All these kids brought me back to my high school days.

Then I tried to sleep but was woken by a crazy neighbor, a lady who went ballistic and started banging on the walls, the police were called.....and I did not sleep well. THAT is not good. I mean, I'm a human being with sympathy for others, but who the hell is she to disturb people like that at 4AM? We're entitled to our rest, we work hard and pay for these places.

Still kind of have the blues over a falling out with someone. What can I say? If person ever reads this. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean the nasty things I said. You're not any of these things; you're fabulous, you're the most important person to me barring a handful of others. I love you. It was a knee jerk reaction to what you said which was hurtful and made me feel like I was being used. Please forgive me. Understand that there is a line that can't be crossed. That's all.

sad

I was nasty to someone terrified I lost them. I didn't mean what I said. I know there must be hope.And it seems.....to that person.....that I hate you and think you're horrible but I don't it's the opposite. I love you guys. It's so powerful and from the heart. I think you're the greatest thing. I expect better. I love you. I love you. There must be a chance.

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

There are always times when I say if I could go back in time somewhere it'd be to NYC in the seventies. There's good and bad in everything but I relate to .....well just how it was. Do I wish.....

Excerpt from Leslie Van Houten Documentary, 1991

There are so many radical right wing extremists ranting, real hate stuff, on these video sites. Well, I am someone who identifies with and feels with those who are the outcasts of society. Not some scumbucket who abuses their kid to death, or tortures kittens or that kind of thing....they deserve whatever they get. But it's likely these women didn't commit the crimes they were convicted of. Even so, they did do their time and were rehabilitated. I can't overstate the importance of doing your research and not taking at face value what popular books and the newspapers say. They did not drink the blood of their victims, that nonsense that was printed in the tabloids.

while I'm at it

thinking how pissed off I am at men....OK there I said it--well at other women for different reasons......God it would take a book like the Second Sex.

stage names

La Fortuna
Lady Hekate
Vuelve Vuelve

Bon Jovi entirely.....that means good luck in ? Italian maybe

Just realized.

Videos I would give an F- to:

anything by Taylor Swift, Linkin Park, 30 Seconds to Mars.....more to come


I can't stand to watch these videos for more than three seconds. So it's hard to review them.....

there was another one......I expected the Miley Cyrus ones to be at that level but they weren't completely there. Vanessa Hudgens.

Eric Prydz vs Floyd - Proper Education

This is rough and wild love it A+

some writings at cafe pick me up

Sitting here . spent money for good purposes. Brazilian Samba or Rhumba ....very soothing. I can't stand what this neighborhood's become; I don't like being here. Not only cause of stories I've heard but the crowd.....either like the Hamptons or the Kardashians who are the most vapid, stupid and purposeless individuals who ever lived. I'm not kidding these are awful people, in every sense of the word, who've come here. I don't go to Veselka any more because it's like loud middle American types who leave a mess for other people to clean up. They trashed my mother's building and left a hole in the elevator floor, and the doors wide open for anyone to come in.
The music all ambient (is that the word?)

It's raining. Just a few minutes ago about five fire trucks showed up with flashing lights. That' s another common occurrence.

I did see some adorable black and white cats at a local store.

today full moon

the Supermoon, meaning it's the closest to the Earth since 1993. ? Don't know if that means anything.....except water levels will be very high.

I may have

earned income tax credit if I did this right. How do I get it right away?

dreamt

you know when you feel don't exactly remember:

A wooden house. A restaurant. Yeah I dreamt this before and it has separate rooms full of mannequins.

and

they took advantage of someone with a disability. and ignorance.

Brooklyn Bounce - "Crazy" (Paragod Video Remix)

Shit that was the wrong version. This is the one I'm talking about, sans storyline. This is different and .....well....what words? Awesome! .....still reminds me of where I used to live.I'm thinking there must have been scads of work just in the editing.....TV footage with dancing with graphics.....that and expensive. I'm not sure what they're trying to say....except making a mini movie? It's not really commercial........or standard. Anyway, I give it A.

OK I did some research; this is Wikipedia so it's up for questionable. But one of the producers is Matthias Menck who's been on the scene for a very long time. OK they contradict me and say this WAS commercial. In America this isn't what's popular I don't think, not like it is in Europe. Whatever. Anyway, the other is Dennis Bohn and I don't know who/what Paragod is.....oh, OK DJ Analyzer, also from Hamburg. The combination of the three, plus the people who made the video.....the director is Romain Gavras, from France. The son of Costa-Gravas.....I don't think I've seen his films. Ok, this video is changed from the last and re-mixed....who did that is unclear. The music and graphics are in synch.....very cool. Well done. I like this one better.


Anyway, back to my projects which are : creating a new dance piece, getting back into film and maybe voiceover, editing/publishing my poems. Will return soon.

Brooklyn Bounce - Crazy

This is an awesome and brilliant video and I want to learn more on this group. Much of the footage looks like my neighborhood in brooklyn, where I used to live. There was a murder across the street, in this warehouse. It was later turned into a rave house. They need to get rid of that narrator.......makes it cheesy and it's a distraction.

been up 24 hours

that's not necessarily my wish but such is my schedule. I didn't get a chance to zzzz but will later today. I had a bad incident with a bus driver my metrocard I didn't know expired. Most drivers will let you on the bus anyhow. This one didn't. What a trash bag. That enraged me. What kind of person does that to another: kicks them when they're down. Enough to definitely raise my heart rate. He's like, get change from somebody. From whom?

I suppose, yes, this picture is a rip off (like "Madge"'s--well, all of her stuff)--but it is an amazing contrast, though. Bette Davis was beautiful when she was younger--I wonder why she started looking kind of freaky later on like her eyes popping out. I should watch this film.....had started to read the book.

I actually got carded in a bar

maybe the guy thought I was a cop or maybe he really thought I was under 21. wow. D

me on bus waking up

written in cafe pick me up a couple days ago

This music is giving me chills and making my hair raise on my back, my spine. It is other-worldly. They sound like not human beings. This brings me back to ballet lessons my mother took, in Evanston. Why am I remembering this? And pink ballet slippers. The little bathroom of just a toilet and like closet doors, in the studio.
The Motor Inn....the rug of their hallway looks like the one in my Tarot card The Magician, in the Elves pack.
This music is giving me deja vu. Like this song that played last night at work....don't know the name though. Hardly understand what they were singing. It think the woman's voice is super-reverbed.

Why Did You Adopt Me and .....A M

OK after dealing with a lot of emotional tumult I needed some mental clarity, of some kind. Industry Lawsuit and Why Did You Adopt Me . Read her article. I have this recurring vision of, well, imagine.I guess dumb joke but whatever.

L A Style - I m Raving

Bizarre rave demons! back when I first struck out on my own as a kid in Brooklyn, Park Slope (before it became stroller serene, these were the barrio days) I listened to this tape! Man it's genius. A+ buzz!

feeling better

thanks to the ..... spirit stars air better.

Feel a little guilty. I did have a psychotic episode. It's over. Sort of.

I don't know how I manage NOT to get arrested. have to laugh. Maybe I scare the police.

other things

I wrote extensively on something but have taken it down. It's a negative ugly topic and better left for another time. But just because it's not said out loud doesn't mean it isn't true. Maybe it needs to be said,another time.

incidents this morning

What makes people feel like they are owed something or like they have a right to someone else's life? Or like I'm obligated to let them in my life?......I mean, if you go looking for trouble you're going to find it. Then stuff happens to them, and they don't understand why. Not always, but sometimes when people are attacked they have gone out of their way to put themselves in a position. And then, what? Am I supposed to feel sorry for them? Is anyone? Some people have it coming to them. Or maybe they are looking for it. Then what? Don't underestimate people. Don't think you deserve what you don't, any more than anyone else.

Thank you

to those who believed in and supported me.

red dust reprint from last year (?)

oh dust the dust of lust
lust of dust
that which is us
oh love, love of lust
that which is dust
let it rain down on us
down on us
let it rain down
blow, blow at us
lust that is us
red dust
all that is ours
let if rain down on us


oh love, lust
that which is red
bright red
seeping red
red and bled
red dust
let it rain down on us
rain down
down
let it rain down on us

such as health insurance

I am really pissed off that I have to deal with this crap. it's ok, I have nothing better to do. in America we don't have universal health care,in every other industrialized country they do. Life isn't fair, I guess. Blame the fucking assholes in the House and else where. Some people have an endless craving for power, power to abuse people. All the little people as elementary schoolyard bullies now have grown up (lucky us) to become (OK I wont say it). Pieces of shit. So now, I have to do this stupid menial drudge work just so I can get a flu shot. Stupid, right? Then, the doctor I see won't take the insurance I'll be getting. Maybe I can get disability.

Vuelve Vuelve Lady Hecate

Return be careful what you wish for cause you may not get it fast enough!

but now

I feel terrible. Almost like crying. I was convinced the opposite was true. I raged screamed punched and slammed. So many other examples of .......the fucked up things I've seen (blank oh I won't say it, or state the obvious) do.

sweet

I asked the tarot (online) if someone is doing something behind my back. Anyway I got this :

not luck the good spirits look out for me thank you!

	The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Renaissance Tarot is a modern deck, with symbolism drawn from the heroic age and rendered in renaissance style. This deck is an excellent choice for exploring questions of passion, mastery, and the inner workings of human reason. If you would like your own copy of the Renaissance Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Eight of Coins (Prudence): Frankness, honesty and innocence. Candid confrontation of circumstances.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Five of Staves (Strife), when reversed: A cautious step ahead without the aid of others.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Cups (Love): The flower of first love, of love at first sight. The bond between two people, invisible but formidable.

revision of earlier writings

a gold scarf around my neck
and it's a house, mine
waiting for a response
a clue
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?



you, me and her
I hold one up, then another
one, then another

I'm seventeen and it's black in here
tiles are black
I see myself
there's so much, so much to see

thoughts on "Platoon"

When I was about nineteen, living in Chicago, I became sort of obsessed with this film. It had a sexiness underneath the surface, almost like there is in Christianity, and in Jesus. Sexy and poignant. I admit, I won't deny part of it was seeing these guys with their shirts off. What is the word, beefcake? I didn't say all, but part of it. The part where Willem Dafoe blows smoke through the gun into Charlie Sheen's face, well you know that is symbolic. I guess the world loves martyrs. The Jesus story is very similar to that of Apollo, of so many others. Jesus is the Greek name, the "Savior" was not called that, the name means son of Zeus. Jesus was Jeshua, I think. Apollo was known for healing the sick and raising the dead. Point being, there's something in the sexiness of men, which you seldom hear about, and cleansing, love, rebirth. And pain. And healing. Becoming something new.

coming soon, negative reviews

I've shown what I like and will get to what I don't. Keep in mind, yes, these are just my opinions. If others disagree, no matter. I don't hold it against people. Such is the beauty of the world, its diversity.

But the bad reviews I'll have fun. It's time to go for the kill, the burn. Let it rip. Vent.....the time is coming!

more on Bravery

they integrated dance music/techno/disco.....with their music. But in this time that was popular and common in Brooklyn; I know because I was there. Many styles merged into a hybrid, you could say.

thoughts on hard rock, modern American

that stuff bores the shit out of me. I tried, tried giving it a chance, and to me it all sounds the same.....like listening to a vacuum cleaner. Bands like Soundgarden, Nickelback, 30 Seconds to Mars......so many.....just can't get into it. The same happened to me with hard core punk. Even though I believe in the movement and philosophy, I was just bored, listening to many of the bands. It's not my thing. The Bravery were voted worst band by Spin Magazine, or most hated, something like that. If Spin were my criteria for my self esteem, I would have been crushed, pulverized. But since I don't give a fuck what they think, it doesn't affect me except as humorous. Of course they would hate people who actually have talent. The Bravery is NOT like Duran Duran or whatever bands they're compared to. They started out as a garage band. Duran Duran did consider themselves punk at the beginning. So spare your snobbery. And both bands are from completely different times and places, on opposite sides of the ocean. New York is not London or Liverpool. The early 2000s are not the early 1980s. They are not the same.

OK think about it there are WAY many similarities in hair, make up, the zig zags on the face, and so on. Lady Gaga did something similar. Still, I love the look of the Pussycat Dolls girl. Wish I'd thought of that. I want to do a complete transformation, of course without copying another person. Not, ahem, the way some others have. The difference between inspiration and stealing? Sometimes hard to define but VERY IMPORTANT. Plagiarism is not OK!

Still, I want to change my hair and face and just blow apart, into a new star ME. Thinking.....

why on earth

would somebody do something crazy like that? why indeed. That's the million dollar question. Sick. Sick. Sick.

because they are not what they appear to be. because they have another motivation.

I agree that we should not focus on the wrongdoings of others and just try to do the right thing ourselves, and that we have no control over what other people do. But sometimes the bad actions others take is causing harm and is serious enough that it can't be ignored.

she is a sick woman, a necrophiliac, among other things. think I'm kidding? I mean literally. ugh! how I suffered and for what?

never understood that creepy, bad vibe I got from her. Underneath the surface. Never paid attention. I believed there was good in there others were just mean....ugh! Boy have I woken from that! Look into her eyes; they're pretty like emeralds but cruel and ruthless. Uncaring.Yeah, well, try it some time.

live and learn

she stole, pretty much, my poem and concept, but completely misunderstood. Copied my look. Turned an intelligent work into a cheesy-ass cliched "faux age" thing and interpreted it the same. I was young and really knew nothing. Thought it was a coincidence. ! Learned the hard way. I was NEVER "new age." I am not a believer in karma or heaven and hell, ect. Except I recently told someone to go to hell. I meant hell on earth. I was doing yoga, too. Listening to British techno and into the "rave" look. I was never into hip hop or modern rock; the latter I can't stand.

gamma rays x rays
queen of wands
the universe
life create disperse



it was a poetry class where they critique.....this one guy wrote: "Gamma rays kill on dispersal. Confused. "

oh yes another:

flying so high I may be going to Paris


another guy wrote "straight up to Paris, cut through the crap."

Coyote Fugly has been deemed unclean, literally. Ugh.

Found this I love it.

stuff, ect

Quite a lot is happening and yes there are so many things I want to accomplish; working on getting them all.

Poetry
Slams, readings, ect
dance, dance
I have not been dormant......but rehearsing. A lot of work but I'm feeling very passionate about it. now I have to put together a costume.

greek mythology
goth
Irish folk gothic
"rave"
pole dancing
"chair" dancing


book?
editing, lots of that
yoga
sp s

http://www.speakforanimals.info/vivisection

Vivisection a Fraud? to put it mildly. Probably the biggest ever. Ignorance is not bliss.


very .......waste of resources? the economy being what it is.

"Welfare mothers" right.

I am always in a shit horrid mood in the am and it doesn't help that I was woken by some noisy inconsiderate people. But I'm sort of basically over it.

Just an update, lest you think else, these are the proposed goals:

1) enter poetry contests among other things.
2) learn more pole dancing (I'm serious I'm getting better, after a year. working hard at it. It is absolutely the right decision!)
3) yoga blog
4) music video blog (rate and discuss A+ being the best F- being the worst)
5) perform more dances, better, with more elaborate costumes, more complicated moves, wigs, more make up, better rehearsed. Ideally I'll rehearse to the point where it's automatic. The right shoes. I have all my shit there and it's done so I am not thinking what is my next move or how do I not fall on my head and so on. Lived and learned.....that I'm working on intensely now)
6) read my writing publicly....I've been brushing this off just have to integrate it somehow. I know I'm a good writer (enough people have copied or tried to copy me) but I can't just do that alone.....I need to be trying different things. That is how I am. I am not really a literary person.
7) more comedy and improv
8) Job on a TV station, or film (I was talking to someone very in depth about this yesterday)
9) apt, ground floor, with back yard, so my kitties can freely move in and out.....it's been very much a struggle to care for them in the city otherwise. I don't feel right just leaving them indoors all the time, cats need to get out.
10) personal stuff......? bonding with the right ones, and the undesirable ones who are harmful.....oh they know who they are! ......out of my life. Forever. Don't think I don't see through your BS.
11) savings, a lot, a lot.....for a time there'd been nothing to save. Now that to change.
12) taxes, all that stuff
13) travel more....I love Egypt it's a fabulous place not like it's depicted on the news. South America.
14) Have a more loving homey home. Free to bathe and light incense/candles with non-abusive and non-hypervigilant people.

feeling better

i have opinions on some things better left unsaid......that's hard though it's dying to get out.


I see.....God I wish I had a dollar for every one.....pedophilia everywhere. Coming from some of our "respected" citizens, hell research them a little they're not so respectable!

That explains a lot, doesn't it?

I had a very rough 24 hours, better now. Dust settled getting there.....

more later.....

quite a lot went by.......craziness.

Florida

well I guess Florida's not the best destination right now.....maybe I can feel better. Cause I was very seriously planning to go. I can also feel better these two jerks (who bragged about their trip to everyone not wanting to hear it, thanks for rubbing that in, when I couldn't go ooohhOOOOOOHHHHHHHH) I encountered ARE down there. If they get carried off I just won't cry. I know, I'm mean.

new.....

your face is the rubber gum I
smash and twist into a funhouse mirror
gummy goo gummy
how many people are there?
how many more?
what is invisible that I'm still seeing
what light is it in?
was it really red? how much

but this street is grey
echoes of those lost
screech and squeal in my ears
I'm screaming when I wake up
somewhere, someone is having fun on me
not going back! not going back

Sky Dancer almost forgot!

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is!





red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back

give it back

it's 4:30 AM

how did her face get pale, paler still?

the house is made of wood

and when I wake up for a second it's there
how did her face get pale, paler still?

smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! o me
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are people in green
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?

if it were me, if it were really me
if it were me, if it were really me

only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
what is soft what is dust

auditions

All these people saying they can't audition and if there are any AEA auditions please let them know.


Yeah. Sure. I'll be in touch.
on this audition site these actors are saying they won't attend a certain audition because it's not AEA and they'll be in Florida or they just got cast as so and so in another Shakespeare play. It's nice to know these are the worst of some people's problems isn't it? I guess life isn't fair.....

Sky Dancer and another new version!

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is!
red is Satan, Satan blood


to get out of this! to live,
out of this! to live
claws
red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back
smash! selfish to live here
give it back
selfish to live



apparently this was 12/11/10

it's 4:30 AM
how did her face get pale, paler still
the house is made of wood
but that's in another time
am I doomed to walk at night?
but that's in another time


smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! me on Apollo
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are rebels
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?


if it were me, if it were really me
nothing to rebel against
leaves won't cut me I'm not there
if I were?

only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
there's nothing there, really nothing, nothing there

new version sky dancer

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is red!
Satan here, Satan now



to get out of this! to live,
selfish to live, selfish to live
claws
drops of blood become crooked
can't stop the blood
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours give it back
what's yours give it back
smash! selfish to live here



apparently this was 12/11/10

it's 4:30 AM
didn't know how skin could get so pale
her cheek is bleeding
and it's a house, that and it's made of wood


a cloud of smoke fires out
I am ash
o green witch! Apollo mission
the moon is white? Is there nothing on it?
Nothing her, nothing on it?
somewhere there are rebels
cut with green leaves
am I really here?
what could be it
vicious red! suddenly I am out
there's nothing there, really nothing, nothing there

treadmill and TV

I don't even own a television where I live and never watch it.....except when I'm at my mom's house or at the gym....yes I rejoined thank Goodness. Ugh! Running in the park was feeling like the worst kind of execution sentence don't know how people can ever enjoy that. Plus, I am just not a people person and hate being approached by random "curious" bystanders who want to ask me a bunch of retarded questions like "How many miles do you run?" I mean, how the hell do I know? It's just not my thing and was SO boring......

But now on the machines I can forget I'm running and don't have to look at anyone I can look at the TV.....my thing is music videos and all the crime shows like Law and Order, CSI.....or the A and E channel I'm a sucker for all that grisly stuff. Or....what was the show? Hauntings.

I need to find this news channel specifically but something infuriated me.....a "news" show about alleged "underage girls" being "sold" on Back Page. What stupidity! Pure bullshit. I would like to see the proof. You agree by posting to the Terms and COnditions that you're of legal age. I will research more.


Also, I am serious about starting a Yoga Blog because today I read in the Times, which is an intelligent newspaper, about some woman who was "breaking the rules" or some such by starting a yoga studio that was pure exercise and not a spiritual exercise. Well she's RIGHT! Yoga is a science and is NOT religious but that in itself tells you something. Perhaps there's real power in deep breathing.......so the natural defense is to "brainwash" the population with syrupy pseudo-spiritual sweetness......til they nod out and surrender their power, their strength......and shoot themselves in the head really. Caveat emptor! I can't stress that enough. Mind control damn straight.

I've done yoga for years. I'm not the best at it, I suppose not the worst. It's hard. It can be painful. That and uncrossing and therapy and baths and journaling and art yes that's why I'm hard core about being physically active....oxygen into you cleans you. I cannot not live an active life. I don't know how some people can. I'd just go insane.

sky dancer new version

all that was dark, dark again
and light, the beginnings of
that edge, you're there
night ending
sleep!
a red car, the grey walls of a parking lot
the car is warm outside a frost cuts you still
who am I?
I'm not really here

outside my skin becomes blank white
I'll be eaten alive by this
not myself
to get out of this! to live, continue to live here
what will wake you?
who's coming for you?
it's sunny there, sunny there
roar! claws
drops of blood become crooked lightning
something smoked, then ash
fire and her
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours, yours
Give it back!
they'll stop at nothing
how much would it be?



apparently this was 12/11/10

it's 4:30 AM
my head is being squeezed tight
fill me with smooch
her cheek is bleeding
her tits are raw
a house on her table
is none that I live in
walls are wooden and the past
always the past
smokes right through them
always clouds of grey
something, something, I don't think, don't think about it

this soul is yours and it's hideous


(adding this now)

banish! banish!
a cloud of smoke fires out
and consumes you to ashes
o green witch
I walked again and again on that grey street
white and dirty frozen white again

smokes smokes enough to hide you here

between these walls
saying something
saying something
if these are enough


if this candle is enough
if I survive this
if I'm in hell suddenly am out

suddenly I am out
this is your fault
don't pretend it isn't
vodka ate your words
I listened
you were smoking then ash
skin to put my lips on
hair to choke on
coat of sweat
all I admire
all I remember

no internet or cell for 10 hours

feel like I'm on the moon! I took what precious privacy I got today and yes I relish that! I wrote and wrote must have been 30 pages or more.....on my notebook. A great way to sort out my mangled brain. Got called a freak. But I got so much out and on that page that was in me and worked on my new performance dance piece. Needs a lot of work but coming along. I haven't travelled in ages....LA simply for work. South America, FLorida.

The waning moon is the time for getting rid of stuff. Clearing out junk. A tedious task but one that frees you up when you're all done.

Yoga

I went through absolute hell doing yoga. How do I express it?

not to be nice

that one
down down it came
they didn't ask for torture
vampiress of the stillness
that is this room
they took everything away from me they
took everything everything
on some gravel road
the buildings ashes
you're breathing dust smoke
who will weep for you? no one
that one that lives it is me

Stratford Upon Avon

I have to say I was never that interested in Shakespeare but I do have ancestors whose origins are in this town. WHat if.....

Now I'm really a buzz from the vino

I'd like to say I wrote this but Walt Whitman did: he passed the torch to the residents of Fort Greene

" Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls, new
artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you
interpenetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I
count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now. "