What makes people feel like they are owed something or like they have a right to someone else's life? Or like I'm obligated to let them in my life?......I mean, if you go looking for trouble you're going to find it. Then stuff happens to them, and they don't understand why. Not always, but sometimes when people are attacked they have gone out of their way to put themselves in a position. And then, what? Am I supposed to feel sorry for them? Is anyone? Some people have it coming to them. Or maybe they are looking for it. Then what? Don't underestimate people. Don't think you deserve what you don't, any more than anyone else.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Thursday, March 03, 2011
red dust reprint from last year (?)
oh dust the dust of lust
lust of dust
that which is us
oh love, love of lust
that which is dust
let it rain down on us
down on us
let it rain down
blow, blow at us
lust that is us
red dust
all that is ours
let if rain down on us
oh love, lust
that which is red
bright red
seeping red
red and bled
red dust
let it rain down on us
rain down
down
let it rain down on us
lust of dust
that which is us
oh love, love of lust
that which is dust
let it rain down on us
down on us
let it rain down
blow, blow at us
lust that is us
red dust
all that is ours
let if rain down on us
oh love, lust
that which is red
bright red
seeping red
red and bled
red dust
let it rain down on us
rain down
down
let it rain down on us
such as health insurance
I am really pissed off that I have to deal with this crap. it's ok, I have nothing better to do. in America we don't have universal health care,in every other industrialized country they do. Life isn't fair, I guess. Blame the fucking assholes in the House and else where. Some people have an endless craving for power, power to abuse people. All the little people as elementary schoolyard bullies now have grown up (lucky us) to become (OK I wont say it). Pieces of shit. So now, I have to do this stupid menial drudge work just so I can get a flu shot. Stupid, right? Then, the doctor I see won't take the insurance I'll be getting. Maybe I can get disability.
but now
I feel terrible. Almost like crying. I was convinced the opposite was true. I raged screamed punched and slammed. So many other examples of .......the fucked up things I've seen (blank oh I won't say it, or state the obvious) do.
sweet
I asked the tarot (online) if someone is doing something behind my back. Anyway I got this :
not luck the good spirits look out for me thank you!
not luck the good spirits look out for me thank you!
| The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Renaissance Tarot is a modern deck, with symbolism drawn from the heroic age and rendered in renaissance style. This deck is an excellent choice for exploring questions of passion, mastery, and the inner workings of human reason. If you would like your own copy of the Renaissance Tarot, you can buy it now! | |
 | The left card represents an important element of the past. Eight of Coins (Prudence): Frankness, honesty and innocence. Candid confrontation of circumstances. |
 | The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Five of Staves (Strife), when reversed: A cautious step ahead without the aid of others. |
 | The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Cups (Love): The flower of first love, of love at first sight. The bond between two people, invisible but formidable. |
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
revision of earlier writings
a gold scarf around my neck
and it's a house, mine
waiting for a response
a clue
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?
you, me and her
I hold one up, then another
one, then another
I'm seventeen and it's black in here
tiles are black
I see myself
there's so much, so much to see
and it's a house, mine
waiting for a response
a clue
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?
you, me and her
I hold one up, then another
one, then another
I'm seventeen and it's black in here
tiles are black
I see myself
there's so much, so much to see
thoughts on "Platoon"
When I was about nineteen, living in Chicago, I became sort of obsessed with this film. It had a sexiness underneath the surface, almost like there is in Christianity, and in Jesus. Sexy and poignant. I admit, I won't deny part of it was seeing these guys with their shirts off. What is the word, beefcake? I didn't say all, but part of it. The part where Willem Dafoe blows smoke through the gun into Charlie Sheen's face, well you know that is symbolic. I guess the world loves martyrs. The Jesus story is very similar to that of Apollo, of so many others. Jesus is the Greek name, the "Savior" was not called that, the name means son of Zeus. Jesus was Jeshua, I think. Apollo was known for healing the sick and raising the dead. Point being, there's something in the sexiness of men, which you seldom hear about, and cleansing, love, rebirth. And pain. And healing. Becoming something new.
coming soon, negative reviews
I've shown what I like and will get to what I don't. Keep in mind, yes, these are just my opinions. If others disagree, no matter. I don't hold it against people. Such is the beauty of the world, its diversity.
But the bad reviews I'll have fun. It's time to go for the kill, the burn. Let it rip. Vent.....the time is coming!
But the bad reviews I'll have fun. It's time to go for the kill, the burn. Let it rip. Vent.....the time is coming!
more on Bravery
they integrated dance music/techno/disco.....with their music. But in this time that was popular and common in Brooklyn; I know because I was there. Many styles merged into a hybrid, you could say.
thoughts on hard rock, modern American
that stuff bores the shit out of me. I tried, tried giving it a chance, and to me it all sounds the same.....like listening to a vacuum cleaner. Bands like Soundgarden, Nickelback, 30 Seconds to Mars......so many.....just can't get into it. The same happened to me with hard core punk. Even though I believe in the movement and philosophy, I was just bored, listening to many of the bands. It's not my thing. The Bravery were voted worst band by Spin Magazine, or most hated, something like that. If Spin were my criteria for my self esteem, I would have been crushed, pulverized. But since I don't give a fuck what they think, it doesn't affect me except as humorous. Of course they would hate people who actually have talent. The Bravery is NOT like Duran Duran or whatever bands they're compared to. They started out as a garage band. Duran Duran did consider themselves punk at the beginning. So spare your snobbery. And both bands are from completely different times and places, on opposite sides of the ocean. New York is not London or Liverpool. The early 2000s are not the early 1980s. They are not the same.
OK think about it there are WAY many similarities in hair, make up, the zig zags on the face, and so on. Lady Gaga did something similar. Still, I love the look of the Pussycat Dolls girl. Wish I'd thought of that. I want to do a complete transformation, of course without copying another person. Not, ahem, the way some others have. The difference between inspiration and stealing? Sometimes hard to define but VERY IMPORTANT. Plagiarism is not OK!
Still, I want to change my hair and face and just blow apart, into a new star ME. Thinking.....
Monday, February 28, 2011
why on earth
would somebody do something crazy like that? why indeed. That's the million dollar question. Sick. Sick. Sick.
because they are not what they appear to be. because they have another motivation.
I agree that we should not focus on the wrongdoings of others and just try to do the right thing ourselves, and that we have no control over what other people do. But sometimes the bad actions others take is causing harm and is serious enough that it can't be ignored.
she is a sick woman, a necrophiliac, among other things. think I'm kidding? I mean literally. ugh! how I suffered and for what?
because they are not what they appear to be. because they have another motivation.
I agree that we should not focus on the wrongdoings of others and just try to do the right thing ourselves, and that we have no control over what other people do. But sometimes the bad actions others take is causing harm and is serious enough that it can't be ignored.
she is a sick woman, a necrophiliac, among other things. think I'm kidding? I mean literally. ugh! how I suffered and for what?
never understood that creepy, bad vibe I got from her. Underneath the surface. Never paid attention. I believed there was good in there others were just mean....ugh! Boy have I woken from that! Look into her eyes; they're pretty like emeralds but cruel and ruthless. Uncaring.Yeah, well, try it some time.
Friday, February 18, 2011
live and learn
she stole, pretty much, my poem and concept, but completely misunderstood. Copied my look. Turned an intelligent work into a cheesy-ass cliched "faux age" thing and interpreted it the same. I was young and really knew nothing. Thought it was a coincidence. ! Learned the hard way. I was NEVER "new age." I am not a believer in karma or heaven and hell, ect. Except I recently told someone to go to hell. I meant hell on earth. I was doing yoga, too. Listening to British techno and into the "rave" look. I was never into hip hop or modern rock; the latter I can't stand.
gamma rays x rays
queen of wands
the universe
life create disperse
it was a poetry class where they critique.....this one guy wrote: "Gamma rays kill on dispersal. Confused. "
oh yes another:
flying so high I may be going to Paris
another guy wrote "straight up to Paris, cut through the crap."
Coyote Fugly has been deemed unclean, literally. Ugh.
gamma rays x rays
queen of wands
the universe
life create disperse
it was a poetry class where they critique.....this one guy wrote: "Gamma rays kill on dispersal. Confused. "
oh yes another:
flying so high I may be going to Paris
another guy wrote "straight up to Paris, cut through the crap."
Coyote Fugly has been deemed unclean, literally. Ugh.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
stuff, ect
Quite a lot is happening and yes there are so many things I want to accomplish; working on getting them all.
Poetry
Slams, readings, ect
dance, dance
I have not been dormant......but rehearsing. A lot of work but I'm feeling very passionate about it. now I have to put together a costume.
greek mythology
goth
Irish folk gothic
"rave"
pole dancing
"chair" dancing
book?
editing, lots of that
yoga
sp s
Poetry
Slams, readings, ect
dance, dance
I have not been dormant......but rehearsing. A lot of work but I'm feeling very passionate about it. now I have to put together a costume.
greek mythology
goth
Irish folk gothic
"rave"
pole dancing
"chair" dancing
book?
editing, lots of that
yoga
sp s
Sunday, February 13, 2011
http://www.speakforanimals.info/vivisection
Vivisection a Fraud? to put it mildly. Probably the biggest ever. Ignorance is not bliss.
very .......waste of resources? the economy being what it is.
"Welfare mothers" right.
Vivisection a Fraud? to put it mildly. Probably the biggest ever. Ignorance is not bliss.
very .......waste of resources? the economy being what it is.
"Welfare mothers" right.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I am always in a shit horrid mood in the am and it doesn't help that I was woken by some noisy inconsiderate people. But I'm sort of basically over it.
Just an update, lest you think else, these are the proposed goals:
1) enter poetry contests among other things.
2) learn more pole dancing (I'm serious I'm getting better, after a year. working hard at it. It is absolutely the right decision!)
3) yoga blog
4) music video blog (rate and discuss A+ being the best F- being the worst)
5) perform more dances, better, with more elaborate costumes, more complicated moves, wigs, more make up, better rehearsed. Ideally I'll rehearse to the point where it's automatic. The right shoes. I have all my shit there and it's done so I am not thinking what is my next move or how do I not fall on my head and so on. Lived and learned.....that I'm working on intensely now)
6) read my writing publicly....I've been brushing this off just have to integrate it somehow. I know I'm a good writer (enough people have copied or tried to copy me) but I can't just do that alone.....I need to be trying different things. That is how I am. I am not really a literary person.
7) more comedy and improv
8) Job on a TV station, or film (I was talking to someone very in depth about this yesterday)
9) apt, ground floor, with back yard, so my kitties can freely move in and out.....it's been very much a struggle to care for them in the city otherwise. I don't feel right just leaving them indoors all the time, cats need to get out.
10) personal stuff......? bonding with the right ones, and the undesirable ones who are harmful.....oh they know who they are! ......out of my life. Forever. Don't think I don't see through your BS.
11) savings, a lot, a lot.....for a time there'd been nothing to save. Now that to change.
12) taxes, all that stuff
13) travel more....I love Egypt it's a fabulous place not like it's depicted on the news. South America.
14) Have a more loving homey home. Free to bathe and light incense/candles with non-abusive and non-hypervigilant people.
Just an update, lest you think else, these are the proposed goals:
1) enter poetry contests among other things.
2) learn more pole dancing (I'm serious I'm getting better, after a year. working hard at it. It is absolutely the right decision!)
3) yoga blog
4) music video blog (rate and discuss A+ being the best F- being the worst)
5) perform more dances, better, with more elaborate costumes, more complicated moves, wigs, more make up, better rehearsed. Ideally I'll rehearse to the point where it's automatic. The right shoes. I have all my shit there and it's done so I am not thinking what is my next move or how do I not fall on my head and so on. Lived and learned.....that I'm working on intensely now)
6) read my writing publicly....I've been brushing this off just have to integrate it somehow. I know I'm a good writer (enough people have copied or tried to copy me) but I can't just do that alone.....I need to be trying different things. That is how I am. I am not really a literary person.
7) more comedy and improv
8) Job on a TV station, or film (I was talking to someone very in depth about this yesterday)
9) apt, ground floor, with back yard, so my kitties can freely move in and out.....it's been very much a struggle to care for them in the city otherwise. I don't feel right just leaving them indoors all the time, cats need to get out.
10) personal stuff......? bonding with the right ones, and the undesirable ones who are harmful.....oh they know who they are! ......out of my life. Forever. Don't think I don't see through your BS.
11) savings, a lot, a lot.....for a time there'd been nothing to save. Now that to change.
12) taxes, all that stuff
13) travel more....I love Egypt it's a fabulous place not like it's depicted on the news. South America.
14) Have a more loving homey home. Free to bathe and light incense/candles with non-abusive and non-hypervigilant people.
feeling better
i have opinions on some things better left unsaid......that's hard though it's dying to get out.
I see.....God I wish I had a dollar for every one.....pedophilia everywhere. Coming from some of our "respected" citizens, hell research them a little they're not so respectable!
That explains a lot, doesn't it?
I had a very rough 24 hours, better now. Dust settled getting there.....
I see.....God I wish I had a dollar for every one.....pedophilia everywhere. Coming from some of our "respected" citizens, hell research them a little they're not so respectable!
That explains a lot, doesn't it?
I had a very rough 24 hours, better now. Dust settled getting there.....
Wednesday, February 09, 2011
Monday, February 07, 2011
Florida
well I guess Florida's not the best destination right now.....maybe I can feel better. Cause I was very seriously planning to go. I can also feel better these two jerks (who bragged about their trip to everyone not wanting to hear it, thanks for rubbing that in, when I couldn't go ooohhOOOOOOHHHHHHHH) I encountered ARE down there. If they get carried off I just won't cry. I know, I'm mean.
Sunday, February 06, 2011
new.....
your face is the rubber gum I
smash and twist into a funhouse mirror
gummy goo gummy
how many people are there?
how many more?
what is invisible that I'm still seeing
what light is it in?
was it really red? how much
but this street is grey
echoes of those lost
screech and squeal in my ears
I'm screaming when I wake up
somewhere, someone is having fun on me
not going back! not going back
smash and twist into a funhouse mirror
gummy goo gummy
how many people are there?
how many more?
what is invisible that I'm still seeing
what light is it in?
was it really red? how much
but this street is grey
echoes of those lost
screech and squeal in my ears
I'm screaming when I wake up
somewhere, someone is having fun on me
not going back! not going back
Sky Dancer almost forgot!
that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending
a red car, really is!
red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back
give it back
it's 4:30 AM
how did her face get pale, paler still?
the house is made of wood
and when I wake up for a second it's there
how did her face get pale, paler still?
how did her face get pale, paler still?
smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! o me
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are people in green
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?
you marked it well
o green witch! o me
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are people in green
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?
if it were me, if it were really me
if it were me, if it were really me
only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
what is soft what is dust
Thursday, January 27, 2011
auditions
All these people saying they can't audition and if there are any AEA auditions please let them know.
Yeah. Sure. I'll be in touch.
on this audition site these actors are saying they won't attend a certain audition because it's not AEA and they'll be in Florida or they just got cast as so and so in another Shakespeare play. It's nice to know these are the worst of some people's problems isn't it? I guess life isn't fair.....
Yeah. Sure. I'll be in touch.
on this audition site these actors are saying they won't attend a certain audition because it's not AEA and they'll be in Florida or they just got cast as so and so in another Shakespeare play. It's nice to know these are the worst of some people's problems isn't it? I guess life isn't fair.....
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sky Dancer and another new version!
that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending
a red car, really is!
red is Satan, Satan blood
to get out of this! to live,
out of this! to live
claws
red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back
smash! selfish to live here
give it back
selfish to live
apparently this was 12/11/10
it's 4:30 AM
how did her face get pale, paler still
the house is made of wood
but that's in another time
am I doomed to walk at night?
but that's in another time
smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! me on Apollo
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are rebels
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?
if it were me, if it were really me
nothing to rebel against
leaves won't cut me I'm not there
if I were?
only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
there's nothing there, really nothing, nothing there
new version sky dancer
that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending
a red car, really is red!
Satan here, Satan now
to get out of this! to live,
selfish to live, selfish to live
claws
drops of blood become crooked
can't stop the blood
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours give it back
what's yours give it back
smash! selfish to live here
apparently this was 12/11/10
it's 4:30 AM
didn't know how skin could get so pale
her cheek is bleeding
and it's a house, that and it's made of wood
a cloud of smoke fires out
I am ash
o green witch! Apollo mission
the moon is white? Is there nothing on it?
Nothing her, nothing on it?
somewhere there are rebels
cut with green leaves
am I really here?
what could be it
vicious red! suddenly I am out
there's nothing there, really nothing, nothing there
Sunday, January 23, 2011
treadmill and TV
I don't even own a television where I live and never watch it.....except when I'm at my mom's house or at the gym....yes I rejoined thank Goodness. Ugh! Running in the park was feeling like the worst kind of execution sentence don't know how people can ever enjoy that. Plus, I am just not a people person and hate being approached by random "curious" bystanders who want to ask me a bunch of retarded questions like "How many miles do you run?" I mean, how the hell do I know? It's just not my thing and was SO boring......
But now on the machines I can forget I'm running and don't have to look at anyone I can look at the TV.....my thing is music videos and all the crime shows like Law and Order, CSI.....or the A and E channel I'm a sucker for all that grisly stuff. Or....what was the show? Hauntings.
I need to find this news channel specifically but something infuriated me.....a "news" show about alleged "underage girls" being "sold" on Back Page. What stupidity! Pure bullshit. I would like to see the proof. You agree by posting to the Terms and COnditions that you're of legal age. I will research more.
Also, I am serious about starting a Yoga Blog because today I read in the Times, which is an intelligent newspaper, about some woman who was "breaking the rules" or some such by starting a yoga studio that was pure exercise and not a spiritual exercise. Well she's RIGHT! Yoga is a science and is NOT religious but that in itself tells you something. Perhaps there's real power in deep breathing.......so the natural defense is to "brainwash" the population with syrupy pseudo-spiritual sweetness......til they nod out and surrender their power, their strength......and shoot themselves in the head really. Caveat emptor! I can't stress that enough. Mind control damn straight.
I've done yoga for years. I'm not the best at it, I suppose not the worst. It's hard. It can be painful. That and uncrossing and therapy and baths and journaling and art yes that's why I'm hard core about being physically active....oxygen into you cleans you. I cannot not live an active life. I don't know how some people can. I'd just go insane.
But now on the machines I can forget I'm running and don't have to look at anyone I can look at the TV.....my thing is music videos and all the crime shows like Law and Order, CSI.....or the A and E channel I'm a sucker for all that grisly stuff. Or....what was the show? Hauntings.
I need to find this news channel specifically but something infuriated me.....a "news" show about alleged "underage girls" being "sold" on Back Page. What stupidity! Pure bullshit. I would like to see the proof. You agree by posting to the Terms and COnditions that you're of legal age. I will research more.
Also, I am serious about starting a Yoga Blog because today I read in the Times, which is an intelligent newspaper, about some woman who was "breaking the rules" or some such by starting a yoga studio that was pure exercise and not a spiritual exercise. Well she's RIGHT! Yoga is a science and is NOT religious but that in itself tells you something. Perhaps there's real power in deep breathing.......so the natural defense is to "brainwash" the population with syrupy pseudo-spiritual sweetness......til they nod out and surrender their power, their strength......and shoot themselves in the head really. Caveat emptor! I can't stress that enough. Mind control damn straight.
I've done yoga for years. I'm not the best at it, I suppose not the worst. It's hard. It can be painful. That and uncrossing and therapy and baths and journaling and art yes that's why I'm hard core about being physically active....oxygen into you cleans you. I cannot not live an active life. I don't know how some people can. I'd just go insane.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
sky dancer new version
all that was dark, dark again
and light, the beginnings of
that edge, you're there
night ending
sleep!
a red car, the grey walls of a parking lot
the car is warm outside a frost cuts you still
who am I?
I'm not really here
outside my skin becomes blank white
I'll be eaten alive by this
not myself
to get out of this! to live, continue to live here
what will wake you?
who's coming for you?
it's sunny there, sunny there
roar! claws
drops of blood become crooked lightning
something smoked, then ash
fire and her
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours, yours
Give it back!
they'll stop at nothing
how much would it be?
apparently this was 12/11/10
it's 4:30 AM
my head is being squeezed tight
fill me with smooch
her cheek is bleeding
her tits are raw
a house on her table
is none that I live in
walls are wooden and the past
always the past
smokes right through them
always clouds of grey
something, something, I don't think, don't think about it
this soul is yours and it's hideous
(adding this now)
banish! banish!
a cloud of smoke fires out
and consumes you to ashes
o green witch
I walked again and again on that grey street
white and dirty frozen white again
saying something
saying something
if these are enough
if this candle is enough
if I survive this
if I'm in hell suddenly am out
suddenly I am out
this is your fault
don't pretend it isn't
vodka ate your words
I listened
you were smoking then ash
skin to put my lips on
hair to choke on
coat of sweat
all I admire
all I remember
and light, the beginnings of
that edge, you're there
night ending
sleep!
a red car, the grey walls of a parking lot
the car is warm outside a frost cuts you still
who am I?
I'm not really here
outside my skin becomes blank white
I'll be eaten alive by this
not myself
to get out of this! to live, continue to live here
what will wake you?
who's coming for you?
it's sunny there, sunny there
roar! claws
drops of blood become crooked lightning
something smoked, then ash
fire and her
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours, yours
Give it back!
they'll stop at nothing
how much would it be?
apparently this was 12/11/10
it's 4:30 AM
my head is being squeezed tight
fill me with smooch
her cheek is bleeding
her tits are raw
a house on her table
is none that I live in
walls are wooden and the past
always the past
smokes right through them
always clouds of grey
something, something, I don't think, don't think about it
this soul is yours and it's hideous
(adding this now)
banish! banish!
a cloud of smoke fires out
and consumes you to ashes
o green witch
I walked again and again on that grey street
white and dirty frozen white again
between these walls
saying something
saying something
if these are enough
if this candle is enough
if I survive this
if I'm in hell suddenly am out
suddenly I am out
this is your fault
don't pretend it isn't
vodka ate your words
I listened
you were smoking then ash
skin to put my lips on
hair to choke on
coat of sweat
all I admire
all I remember
Monday, January 03, 2011
no internet or cell for 10 hours
feel like I'm on the moon! I took what precious privacy I got today and yes I relish that! I wrote and wrote must have been 30 pages or more.....on my notebook. A great way to sort out my mangled brain. Got called a freak. But I got so much out and on that page that was in me and worked on my new performance dance piece. Needs a lot of work but coming along. I haven't travelled in ages....LA simply for work. South America, FLorida.
The waning moon is the time for getting rid of stuff. Clearing out junk. A tedious task but one that frees you up when you're all done.
The waning moon is the time for getting rid of stuff. Clearing out junk. A tedious task but one that frees you up when you're all done.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
not to be nice
that one
down down it came
they didn't ask for torture
vampiress of the stillness
that is this room
they took everything away from me they
took everything everything
on some gravel road
the buildings ashes
you're breathing dust smoke
who will weep for you? no one
that one that lives it is me
down down it came
they didn't ask for torture
vampiress of the stillness
that is this room
they took everything away from me they
took everything everything
on some gravel road
the buildings ashes
you're breathing dust smoke
who will weep for you? no one
that one that lives it is me
Stratford Upon Avon
I have to say I was never that interested in Shakespeare but I do have ancestors whose origins are in this town. WHat if.....
Now I'm really a buzz from the vino
I'd like to say I wrote this but Walt Whitman did: he passed the torch to the residents of Fort Greene
" Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls, new
artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you
interpenetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I
count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now. "
" Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls, new
artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you
interpenetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I
count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now. "
Monday, December 20, 2010
this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?
you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another
something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
one day your feet will glow
though they be red
it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
that light, that light you follow
bruised and dying though you are
if you lie down here
here you're surrounded by that mother's love fur and purr
though it's cold and cold it is
and I'm sorry
this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
cars somewhere are
speeding on a side road
somewhere Jayne lost her head
you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another
something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
she got what she wished for
but isn't that too boring?
woman was born to suffer
beauty is pain, pain beauty
it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them
cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?
you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another
something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
one day your feet will glow
though they be red
it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
that light, that light you follow
bruised and dying though you are
if you lie down here
here you're surrounded by that mother's love fur and purr
though it's cold and cold it is
and I'm sorry
this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
cars somewhere are
speeding on a side road
somewhere Jayne lost her head
you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another
something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
she got what she wished for
but isn't that too boring?
woman was born to suffer
beauty is pain, pain beauty
it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them
cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her
toes not icy move them, they have feeling
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't
now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?
you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't
now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?
you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone
what are these eyes
what is this face
why are they glowing
yes it was hot hot in there
why are they glowing
let me travel to him him to me
promising safety
please fix the road for me
and it's getting dark
the pills were blue
the snow was white
presents were green
others red
then his text
a light! another then another
it can be so cold
so cold at night
sometime, sometime
legs scraped raw again
somehow I got back
thinking I was free
I was deceived
but for that moment the night was blanketed in white
red, blue and green lights gently hung around the old red brick buildings
so cold, but a sign of warmth
that you're home
no longer in a desert
the day to celebrate Christ
is this coming day, now it's night
and it's very silent only your feet make noise
in the snow marking it
presents sit in the living room
in a church your family stands next to you
lights go out and candle flames move like water
and it's quiet
she calls you a bitch
that morning the tsunami hits
you don't feel it here, or do you?
so thankful for the quiet this night
no one around
my cat comes in from outside
the snow makes a white mountain
this is the god of winter
an ice pick dosed in spearmint
your fingertips are a spark of deadly freeze
where no light comes
as the mercury ball drops
I'm not OK
I'm a grotesque monster of a wreck
I've been that
that thing think it's a piece of cheap pulp
but that thing is real
it's in me?
your emails have been read
somewhere someone is dancing
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich
somewhere there's a white paste is stirred in a barrel
but here you're in a makeshift mall
step into a bathroom
white and holy r
step into a bathroom
white and holy r
the bag is pink
the white is snow
it has a peachy smell
it's a pink band aid
there's a devil doll outside
in a Santaria shop
he bobs gently and grins
he bobs gently and grins
you were warned
you were curious you know
you were curious you know
somewhere people are marching in green, green leaves so sharp they cut
insects big as your hand
which one was stolen
three syllables
three bells
this one, the blue forms clouds, blueberries?
a blue boy on the wall
my nose hurts
aching, aching my body
and one came in from the cold
the air sucked out of the room
like in the barrel of a shotgun
or a piercing
a ring, one for every kind of day
8 am, 7 am which hour was it
plastic is cheap barely containing
somewhere in your bag it spilled
overspilled
you saw it, it was a skull, one too many
what was the meaning?
a car, too many
crossing the street
there were too many, too few to understand
it was winter this time
a white beard,
other earrings, those ones gold
the others diamond
the street is cold so cold
that has no mercy it scrapes your face
you light a fire
cold the streets are
yellow and bright the gold is
the sun! oh the sun!
how love passion lust power oh that!
do you know do you really know
you think you do
I don't think you do
you didn't see them like I saw them
you didnt live them as I lived them
if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them
cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her
toes not icy move them, they have feeling
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't
now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?
you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't
now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?
you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone
what are these eyes
what is this face
why are they glowing
yes it was hot hot in there
why are they glowing
let me travel to him him to me
promising safety
please fix the road for me
and it's getting dark
the pills were blue
the snow was white
presents were green
others red
then his text
a light! another then another
it can be so cold
so cold at night
sometime, sometime
legs scraped raw again
somehow I got back
thinking I was free
I was deceived
but for that moment the night was blanketed in white
red, blue and green lights gently hung around the old red brick buildings
so cold, but a sign of warmth
that you're home
no longer in a desert
the day to celebrate Christ
is this coming day, now it's night
and it's very silent only your feet make noise
in the snow marking it
presents sit in the living room
in a church your family stands next to you
lights go out and candle flames move like water
and it's quiet
she calls you a bitch
that morning the tsunami hits
you don't feel it here, or do you?
so thankful for the quiet this night
no one around
my cat comes in from outside
the snow makes a white mountain
this is the god of winter
an ice pick dosed in spearmint
your fingertips are a spark of deadly freeze
where no light comes
as the mercury ball drops
I'm not OK
I'm a grotesque monster of a wreck
I've been that
that thing think it's a piece of cheap pulp
but that thing is real
it's in me?
your emails have been read
somewhere someone is dancing
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich
somewhere there's a white paste is stirred in a barrel
but here you're in a makeshift mall
step into a bathroom
white and holy r
step into a bathroom
white and holy r
the bag is pink
the white is snow
it has a peachy smell
it's a pink band aid
there's a devil doll outside
in a Santaria shop
he bobs gently and grins
he bobs gently and grins
you were warned
you were curious you know
you were curious you know
somewhere people are marching in green, green leaves so sharp they cut
insects big as your hand
which one was stolen
three syllables
three bells
this one, the blue forms clouds, blueberries?
a blue boy on the wall
my nose hurts
aching, aching my body
and one came in from the cold
the air sucked out of the room
like in the barrel of a shotgun
or a piercing
a ring, one for every kind of day
8 am, 7 am which hour was it
plastic is cheap barely containing
somewhere in your bag it spilled
overspilled
you saw it, it was a skull, one too many
what was the meaning?
a car, too many
crossing the street
there were too many, too few to understand
it was winter this time
a white beard, should have worn the others
other earrings, those ones gold
the others diamond
love and hate adrenaline when it wants
always unannounced
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sky dancer revised
this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
cars somewhere are
speeding on a side road
you're in this pink room and
something went wrong
you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another
something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
she got what she wished for
but isn't that too boring?
woman was born to suffer
beauty is pain, pain beauty
it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them
cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
cars somewhere are
speeding on a side road
you're in this pink room and
something went wrong
you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another
something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
she got what she wished for
but isn't that too boring?
woman was born to suffer
beauty is pain, pain beauty
it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them
cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her
toes not icy move them, they have feeling
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't
now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?
you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't
now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?
you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone
what are these eyes
what is this face
why are they glowing
yes it was hot hot in there
why are they glowing
let me travel to him him to me
promising safety
please fix the road for me
and it's getting dark
the pills were blue
the snow was white
presents were green
others red
then his text
a light! another then another
it can be so cold
so cold at night
sometime, sometime
legs scraped raw again
somehow I got back
thinking I was free
I was deceived
but for that moment the night was blanketed in white
red, blue and green lights gently hung around the old red brick buildings
so cold, but a sign of warmth
that you're home
no longer in a desert
the day to celebrate Christ
is this coming day, now it's night
and it's very silent only your feet make noise
in the snow marking it
presents sit in the living room
in a church your family stands next to you
lights go out and candle flames move like water
and it's quiet
she calls you a bitch
that morning the tsunami hits
you don't feel it here, or do you?
so thankful for the quiet this night
no one around
my cat comes in from outside
the snow makes a white mountain
this is the god of winter
an ice pick dosed in spearmint
your fingertips are a spark of deadly freeze
where no light comes
as the mercury ball drops
I'm not OK
I'm a grotesque monster of a wreck
I've been that
that thing think it's a piece of cheap pulp
but that thing is real
it's in me?
your emails have been read
somewhere someone is dancing
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich
somewhere there's a white paste is stirred in a barrel
but here you're in a makeshift mall
step into a bathroom
white and holy r
step into a bathroom
white and holy r
the bag is pink
the white is snow
it has a peachy smell
it's a pink band aid
there's a devil doll outside
in a Santaria shop
he bobs gently and grins
he bobs gently and grins
you were warned
you were curious you know
you were curious you know
somewhere people are marching in green, green leaves so sharp they cut
insects big as your hand
which one was stolen
three syllables
three bells
this one, the blue forms clouds, blueberries?
a blue boy on the wall
my nose hurts
aching, aching my body
and one came in from the cold
the air sucked out of the room
like in the barrel of a shotgun
or a piercing
a ring, one for every kind of day
8 am, 7 am which hour was it
plastic is cheap barely containing
somewhere in your bag it spilled
overspilled
you saw it, it was a skull, one too many
what was the meaning?
a car, too many
crossing the street
there were too many, too few to understand
it was winter this time
a white beard, should have worn the others
other earrings, those ones gold
the others diamond
love and hate adrenaline when it wants
always unannounced
Friday, December 03, 2010
barking dog
Tundra was out of control for the past 24 hours causing a great deal of strife, finger pointing, I admit hate and bringing the worst out of everyone. On the up side, this was only at the beginning of the day. I am obsessed with omens some are bullshit some have some merit. I'm reading that a dog's behavior is foreshadowing. I dropped a spoon....a child will visit, or else I'm fertile now. Lights camera and no daddy! Or Eros is here.
I went into Sephora as a treat to myself today after a doctor's appointment.....spent hours putting on eyeshadow. I looked great, finally. Beauty is pain and labor. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I went into Sephora as a treat to myself today after a doctor's appointment.....spent hours putting on eyeshadow. I looked great, finally. Beauty is pain and labor. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Today
was a combination of horrific and helpful. On the up side, some problems were worked out. The down, things were terribly chaotic and just fucked up in general to start. I survived, thanks to the grace of the air. Barely.
Thanks to the good doctors, the deli man on Myrtle, Virgin Mobile for restoring my service. To sanity.
Also Aphrodite, St. Alex, Dad, Grandma....those who are gone but not forgotten. Private thing but the kudos is there.
Thanks to the good doctors, the deli man on Myrtle, Virgin Mobile for restoring my service. To sanity.
Also Aphrodite, St. Alex, Dad, Grandma....those who are gone but not forgotten. Private thing but the kudos is there.
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
fog and weird rain
but very pretty. Like the film sleepy hollow. I went to Pennie's Open Mic got interviewed kewl and then did a "story" for the first time. I have been training more for dance.
Since poetry is a stick I'll try to make this a poem, what I stated
it's the early dawn
tree branch surrounded by fog
I'm pretty and today was wretched
haven't forgotten
heavy woman on her knees in a blizzard
more mountains of dirty white under train tracks
standing, sitting, avoiding stares it's the subway at 3am
they sang "G Train Blues"
more like "The G train will make a wreck of me and my life"
quiet but for that howling wind
I whisper
it's quiet
that's the only thing that matters
Since poetry is a stick I'll try to make this a poem, what I stated
it's the early dawn
tree branch surrounded by fog
I'm pretty and today was wretched
haven't forgotten
heavy woman on her knees in a blizzard
more mountains of dirty white under train tracks
standing, sitting, avoiding stares it's the subway at 3am
they sang "G Train Blues"
more like "The G train will make a wreck of me and my life"
quiet but for that howling wind
I whisper
it's quiet
that's the only thing that matters
Monday, November 29, 2010
OK feeling better
I went on my rant well you know it needed to be said. Seeing letters K, A....know what that means. Been running, leg exercises, calisthenics stretch stretch tedious as fuck all. I see the tension in me. The "bad." Comes from different places. Blocked areas. Many. Heavy breathing. Jolts. Eating cold sesame noodles and vegetable egg rolls from the local Chinese food place, Chung Chens or something I believe it's called, on Myrtle. It's where the project kids all go. I am right next to Fort Greene park. I spent hours yesterday washing the fucking floor cleaning after the dog. Endless and today still more. Got rid of "most" bad smells then it smelled good for a while, now it's bad. Think the happiest thoughts. Cheesy but true. Yellow is the color I'm meditating on. Show is tomorrow. I contrast the yellow with the dirty dishwater I see in parts of me. Turn the dirty dishwater into bright yellow.
Jophiel. Intelligence Jupiter. Yellow. Solar plexus. Cleansing. It's the waning moon time for cleansing. Washing the floor. Washing the floor. Endless. Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Feel there's no end. Jerk head. No end. Jerk head. No end. Because I read something .....
I omitted the rest. I abbreviated it because it's private, but realize it doesn't make sense to people.
Jophiel. Intelligence Jupiter. Yellow. Solar plexus. Cleansing. It's the waning moon time for cleansing. Washing the floor. Washing the floor. Endless. Arrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Feel there's no end. Jerk head. No end. Jerk head. No end. Because I read something .....
I omitted the rest. I abbreviated it because it's private, but realize it doesn't make sense to people.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Bitter Sweet Coffee Bitter Goodbye
Tundra always begs me to take her there. I took her out of kindness even though so many times I have gone to that place only to be talked down to and reprimanded by either the owner or some customer about....I mean, why do they sell biscuits if they don't want their sacred space dirtied by dogs? The owners, this " barista" bitch with red hair and glasses giving me and Tundra a look for their information I spent a good portion of this week cleaning up a space where a woman was keeping seven cats and three dogs ONLY out of love for animals and desire to make their living space habitable because quite frankly their owner was not responsible enough to hire the proper workers to walk her dogs and clean her space. I bought Tundra medicine, supplements and plenty of biscuits cleaned up after her rubbed her legs with warm water and lavendar and patchouli oil. I feed feral cats. I saved a kitten from being put in a mailbox by a crazy derelict. So anyone who wants to accuse me at this place.....what is it? This prick comes into Bittersweet (Retch) coffee shop on dekalb ave and yells at me in front of everyone there that Tundra looked, what was it? forlorn or something. It was very humiliating and really unfair. Another time, the owner yelled at me because I was grooming her and I was getting the place dirty. This is the final time. This bitch at the counter said something like "You're blocking the door and please make sure the dog doesn't...." because I was finishing a cup of coffee by the door and getting ready to leave with Tundra who was looking in the door. Look, if anyone wants to lecture me I have this to say because I am damned mad now: I groomed her because no one else does. I walk her because no one else does. I feed her the biscuits because I feel for her and want to give her some enjoyment in life. So what can I say other than, what? Go to hell maybe? Who the hell does that bitch think she is? And the looks she was giving me and the dog? What is her fucking problem? And the jerkoff, pretentious crowd there..... ugh good breeding prevents me from expressing my true feelings for these people. But you know some people have their "due" coming. Question is, when will it be?
There is something unforgivable in a person getting a sense of entitlement and hostility toward a person who is doing them a favor, such as giving them money. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I am simply done with a) that place I am NEVER going back and b) the wrongful elements in my life enough, done! Completely done.
There is something unforgivable in a person getting a sense of entitlement and hostility toward a person who is doing them a favor, such as giving them money. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I am simply done with a) that place I am NEVER going back and b) the wrongful elements in my life enough, done! Completely done.
More on Yoga blog
Which I will be starting soon. Or I could generally call it a dance blog. Lordie there's so much written about yoga that is absurd and the wrong teachings I admit fucked me up for a long time. Which is why I feel the burden to set the record straight. Yoga is not related to any religion it is not Buddhist or Hindu or Satanic or anything except a physical exercise to reduce suffering. The origins are debatable. I will go into that elsewhere. Ideally I want to express many different styles which I will divorce from the pseudo-Eastern schtick (nothing against Eastern teachings, it's just my opinion and personal style) surrounding these "New Age" schools. You know. I am still beginning to understand readings concerning chakras which again I will work with sans religion or any spiritual philosophy. It's up to each person what works for them. But I will work on different styles. And I will add I have read some, I won't mince words, REALLY stupid, crazy and ignorant stuff concerning this. People asking if they're going to go to hell for doing yoga which is "non-Christian." Stuff like that. People really spend their time wondering about this. Yes, spirituality can spell disaster for someone mentally unbalanced or who has too many crossed conditions that will confuse the hell out of them until they spiral down into the deep end, irretrievably. That happens too.
Maybe "celestial" and "cthonic" yoga both. OK. This IS a rough draft. But it's also my blog, so I'll do it how I want. "Tantric" I just don't know enough about. But say the chakras and the seven planets, seven Olympic spirits I read about......
Maybe "celestial" and "cthonic" yoga both. OK. This IS a rough draft. But it's also my blog, so I'll do it how I want. "Tantric" I just don't know enough about. But say the chakras and the seven planets, seven Olympic spirits I read about......
George Bernard Shaw, on Socrates, quote
"Now it is always hard for superior wits to understand the fury roused by their exposures of the stupidities of comparative dullards. Even Socrates, for all his age and experience, did not defend himself at his trial like a man who understood the long accumulated fury that had burst on him, and was clamoring for his death. His accuser, if born 2300 years later, might have been picked out of any first class carriage on a suburban railway during the evening or morning rush from or to the City; for he had really nothing to say except that he and his like could not endure being shewn up as idiots every time Socrates opened his mouth. Socrates, unconscious of this, was paralyzed by his sense that somehow he was missing the point of the attack. He petered out after he had established the fact that he was an old soldier and a man of honorable life, and that his accuser was a silly snob. He had no suspicion of the extent to which his mental superiority had roused fear and hatred against him in the hearts of men towards whom he was conscious of nothing but good will and good service."
Saturday, November 27, 2010
things going on
had limited internet access and my phone was out. but I am back. Working on dance as well as writing and thankfully getting back into things. Right now I'm a sweaty ragged mess as I am running and training heavily....but feel better, am better. Also more writing. Back into life and the world....looking forward to it. And starting a yoga blog.....
ha satan?
not having been raised speaking Hebrew or Aramaic....my view of "Satan"? now that.....hm.....is "he" an actual diety? As a kid I was terrified that Satan would come out of my closet and "get" me or at least appear.....or some other ghost or the like. I ....it's so hard to write this......thought I had to arrange my bible and this "Stories of Jesus" book my grandmother gave me as a kid exactly right or else I would be haunted in the night. Freudian? Most probably. I don't identify much with "him" or do I? "Sell your soul" for fame and fortune? Ha! Small price to pay.....all bs. There is a reason to question what you are taught and think about it and research, research research. It was not automatically I was able to get right and have the record straightened. Seriously. There is A LOT of noise and falsity out there you must always dig deeper. These are the discussions I used to have with my shrink.....
I watched, with my family at Thanksgiving, a documentary on the French Revolution. It was amazing! Very vampire-like. Guillotine and severed heads.....humans are creative!
I watched, with my family at Thanksgiving, a documentary on the French Revolution. It was amazing! Very vampire-like. Guillotine and severed heads.....humans are creative!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Starting a yoga blog? at 3am
320 am to be exact. should have been asleep long ago. today was trying in every sense of the word.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
these are small and pure wax
pure and hard to find
Donna, grandma do you remember?
the Cinderella stories you gave to me?
these made pink and blue, a flower like on a
cake
a bush, red berries
the dirt was cold
I open a bottle of whiskey
sweet vapor stings my nose
when will it be
will it be?
my heart is twisted
twisted without mercy
and I've been bleeding bleeding bleeding
she admires the one who tortures me
she worships these people
oh so pink and oh so pretty
holy holy she fakes it well
the near death
she tortured me for hours with pins
knives needles
and lied, she's good at lying
the dirt was cold
I open a bottle of whiskey
fumes vaporize into steam
sweet and stinging
the night is calm and beautiful
is there no way out of this hell?
will she get it will she get it
you always abandoned me in my darkest hour
forgive?
somewhere, somewhere there's a rainbow and angel wings
somewhere else there are bats
pure and hard to find
Donna, grandma do you remember?
the Cinderella stories you gave to me?
these made pink and blue, a flower like on a
cake
a bush, red berries
the dirt was cold
I open a bottle of whiskey
sweet vapor stings my nose
when will it be
will it be?
my heart is twisted
twisted without mercy
and I've been bleeding bleeding bleeding
she admires the one who tortures me
she worships these people
oh so pink and oh so pretty
holy holy she fakes it well
the near death
she tortured me for hours with pins
knives needles
and lied, she's good at lying
the dirt was cold
I open a bottle of whiskey
fumes vaporize into steam
sweet and stinging
the night is calm and beautiful
is there no way out of this hell?
will she get it will she get it
you always abandoned me in my darkest hour
forgive?
somewhere, somewhere there's a rainbow and angel wings
somewhere else there are bats
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Imette, Jennifer
Jennifer Moore.
Sigh. what can I say? This computer is a POS and the space bar isn't working well. ANyway, when I was eighteen I went out to clubs with girlfriends.....we all did. In fact, we went out younger than that. We all had fake IDs which you can get at 42nd St. In fact, most of the time we didn't need them....because the clubs all wanted pretty girls in there. I did really crazy and dumb things I like to think not as dumb I hate to say it as walking around an abandoned lot next to the Hudson River at 4:30 AM. And Draymond Coleman my real rage is with people like him who would take advantage of someone's helplessness and naiveté which he did. I knew people like him growing up. I won't get into the fantasies I've had of what I'd do to guys like him. But the blame is as much with a society which doesn't teach someone like her basic street smarts and shelters her from the real world, also the ambulance that took her friend....what on earth were they thinking leaving a young girl alone while they took away one girl? Especially someone who is five ft two and not thinking clearly and then with these two girls passing out in a car lot on 12th Ave to begin with.....what kind of people are working in THIS place? There are a lot of factors to blame here. I thought watching this....this could have been me or my friends this was such a random and unlucky thing. You just can't count on luck, you know? Or on circumstances being in your favor? Someone said these clubs are next to a highway and abandoned warehouses for a reason.....? Who knows? my girlfriends and I went to a place that was on West 14th st which was not the pretty, tame place it is now....but it was more or less safe to walk around.....as there were tons of people out partying. Yes, we drank. We took the subway home.....it helped that we lived in safe neighborhoods. I would go out alone at super crazy ridiculous hours. why.....who knows? why anything..... also with Imette.....her female companion left her to wander the streets alone drunk. Especially on a (in Imette's case) cold deserted night when they're obviously not thinking clearly. Nice friends, huh? Now they have it on their consciences that maybe if they hadn't abandoned them they'd still be alive. I mean, did anyone ever ask them, wtf were you thinking, leaving your friend alone like that in the middle of the night defenseless.....when they could have split a cab.....Jennifer Moore.....Port Authority was not far from where she was, one of those "if only" things I know, but maybe if she'd gone that direction, stumbled...and gotten a bus to her place well so many things. Did she not see the No Parking sign where she put her car? I admit they're confusing. It was really mean of the city to take her car, too. Knowing she'd be stranded at that hour. Anyway. Also, this all happened I mean with Jennifer Moore right near my birthday. Ugh. I wouldn't leave a man alone, passed out drunk at 4AM either. Would most people? To her credit, her friend said she tried to take her back. For whatever reason, beats me, Imette decided to wander by herself in one of the coldest nights of the year into Chinatown, a very remote part, and drink some more. Being already drunk. Something is off, is all I can say.
Sigh. what can I say? This computer is a POS and the space bar isn't working well. ANyway, when I was eighteen I went out to clubs with girlfriends.....we all did. In fact, we went out younger than that. We all had fake IDs which you can get at 42nd St. In fact, most of the time we didn't need them....because the clubs all wanted pretty girls in there. I did really crazy and dumb things I like to think not as dumb I hate to say it as walking around an abandoned lot next to the Hudson River at 4:30 AM. And Draymond Coleman my real rage is with people like him who would take advantage of someone's helplessness and naiveté which he did. I knew people like him growing up. I won't get into the fantasies I've had of what I'd do to guys like him. But the blame is as much with a society which doesn't teach someone like her basic street smarts and shelters her from the real world, also the ambulance that took her friend....what on earth were they thinking leaving a young girl alone while they took away one girl? Especially someone who is five ft two and not thinking clearly and then with these two girls passing out in a car lot on 12th Ave to begin with.....what kind of people are working in THIS place? There are a lot of factors to blame here. I thought watching this....this could have been me or my friends this was such a random and unlucky thing. You just can't count on luck, you know? Or on circumstances being in your favor? Someone said these clubs are next to a highway and abandoned warehouses for a reason.....? Who knows? my girlfriends and I went to a place that was on West 14th st which was not the pretty, tame place it is now....but it was more or less safe to walk around.....as there were tons of people out partying. Yes, we drank. We took the subway home.....it helped that we lived in safe neighborhoods. I would go out alone at super crazy ridiculous hours. why.....who knows? why anything..... also with Imette.....her female companion left her to wander the streets alone drunk. Especially on a (in Imette's case) cold deserted night when they're obviously not thinking clearly. Nice friends, huh? Now they have it on their consciences that maybe if they hadn't abandoned them they'd still be alive. I mean, did anyone ever ask them, wtf were you thinking, leaving your friend alone like that in the middle of the night defenseless.....when they could have split a cab.....Jennifer Moore.....Port Authority was not far from where she was, one of those "if only" things I know, but maybe if she'd gone that direction, stumbled...and gotten a bus to her place well so many things. Did she not see the No Parking sign where she put her car? I admit they're confusing. It was really mean of the city to take her car, too. Knowing she'd be stranded at that hour. Anyway. Also, this all happened I mean with Jennifer Moore right near my birthday. Ugh. I wouldn't leave a man alone, passed out drunk at 4AM either. Would most people? To her credit, her friend said she tried to take her back. For whatever reason, beats me, Imette decided to wander by herself in one of the coldest nights of the year into Chinatown, a very remote part, and drink some more. Being already drunk. Something is off, is all I can say.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
women cling to backward senseless beliefs. women keep their own oppressed. they stick to the past and long for the past de-evolution you could call it. sad. sad world. i've been let down by too many. I wish it were otherwise. Wonder if it'll ever change? Women aren't trained to fight, that's why. Just sit back and nobly die alone like the character in The House of Mirth. If you choose life instead, you're a villain. Where's the logic? There isn't any.
Saturday, November 06, 2010
last night
didn't realize ended.....dark moon in scorpio. that's pretty dark. I went to a tango party.....one of those things I was kind of tired/it was late but my mother had heard about this from the Alliance Francaise. It was a great night.....this party was in Herald Square, or near 8th ave. Not exactly Herald Square. THis part of town is hideously ugly and inconvenient--I've been here at 3AM other times in my life for other reasons. Anyway. It's close enough to where that girl fell of a building. The party was great as was last night. I went with my mother and sister--this red dress I wore and black patent leather heels--They lent me a trench coat which I thought looked ridiculous--I told myself I looked like Faye Dunaway in The Eyes of Laura Mars. Yes I looked good. And no date. Embarassing to say but my "date" for the night, a couple of them, somehow fell through. But whatever. This older man was teaching me to tango. It is a beautiful dance, and the dancers were beautiful. It doesn't look like work but it is. Back in the old days this is how people partied like the Edith Wharton novels and my legs were really feeling it. So at 2 am; my mother and sister had left; I took the train back walking around this dirty industrial part of town, near the Department of Motor Vehicles. I got on the A train after getting coffee, thank Heaven for that, from this seedy diner. Train ....it was the E and I had thought it was the C, left me at the World Trade Center. HOrrors for real. Switched to the C. From that station, around 2:30 am or so, I made a very agonizing and harrowing walk home in those heels and a thin trench coat. Oh I am NOT looking forward to winter! I had read about women in Russia wearing stiletto heels in blizzards and I wished I had my Uggs....try though I may I could not forget the burning sensation in my feet the cold and how all I wished for was warmth and to take these instruments of torture off. Plus, the only people out were killers, really. And this neighborhood is full of hills and cracks in the sidewalk several times I snagged a heel or my shoe came off. After getting in.....there was kind of a smell in my room and the dog; so I had to clean that up it was unbearable. THis morning, I took the dog out which went relatively painlessly. I was decked out to the nines in sweat pants, sweat shirt, my hanging nightgown, and--I had left my Uggs at my mothers and had only high heels and sneakers, so I wore those; a hideous white. I was fashionably unfashionable. Tundra the dog always wants to go to this place on DeKalb which is obnoxiously pretentious and the customers very snotty and annoying; and I'm showing up in my unsophisticated white sneakers and red sweat shirt--my hair hanging every which way. This one couple was there--the guy with kind of black hair and like a grunge, like Soundgarden, look, and his girlfriend; a tall red head wearing an army coat I think, and boots. Most of my boots have been stolen from the locker room. WHat can I do? Tundra likes this place for the biscuits. I got rugulah, a brownie, a light cafe au lait (they do make these right at this place. most of these coffee shops make the coffee so dark it's like mud and makes me sick and light headed.) fed her the biscuits.....the song "Satisfaction" was on the radio.
The night before my mother and I watched "Spring SUmmer Fall" something like that, a Korean film. It was pretty good; all these messed up people in a so called spiritual retreat. Again more later?
The night before my mother and I watched "Spring SUmmer Fall" something like that, a Korean film. It was pretty good; all these messed up people in a so called spiritual retreat. Again more later?
Friday, November 05, 2010
dream nearly forgot
it's late early and i need a full night's sleep but this is the dream I had.....
a woman, name starts with a k, came into my room. she was wearing a leopard coat. hair dyed red but roots showing. her voice was high. her hair curly. she was talking to me about someone....we were in a room in a motel. I guess a city one.
then I was in Queens walking with this comedian I met, a suburban part. Then we were lying together naked. then we walked out into this suburb, it was night time. Shrubs around us. maybe it looked like parts of Evanston where my mother studied ballet?
a woman, name starts with a k, came into my room. she was wearing a leopard coat. hair dyed red but roots showing. her voice was high. her hair curly. she was talking to me about someone....we were in a room in a motel. I guess a city one.
then I was in Queens walking with this comedian I met, a suburban part. Then we were lying together naked. then we walked out into this suburb, it was night time. Shrubs around us. maybe it looked like parts of Evanston where my mother studied ballet?
Thursday, November 04, 2010
he was wearing white
the lights were white
inside, brighter than ever
tungsten white not a speck of blue
a floor was washed
the suds, the smell hangs in the doorway
everything in me is raw scraped away
pieces of skin what's left of me
my hands, feet, arms heavy hanging rocks
I am one of her stupid bitch slaves
that she cuts for her pleasure
miss sacharine sweetness tells you
don't be bitter, don't hate the hateful
don't believe her
she is a sick one, a sick human
is there no way out of her?
there is a broom and it's making this way and that
which way is it?
did I confuse you?
and who is to blame
for this sickness
and still walking through here
feel this dust this parcel of air
that could be you
walking by me
the trees are saying
somebody must pay
somebody must pay big time
dry and scaly
cracking like paper
dead listless eyes staring at you
not staring
there beyond and at nothing
it's the worst thing
really the worst
the walls are smeared with red
looks like it could be but it isn't
a hand, a claw, shaped round
grasping at something that isn't there
there was a doll in the crib
eyes staring out blue eyes, same blue same way
you spun around seeming endless
in the basement and on the driveway
someone should have told you something
is there no way out?
you're oh-so-good, aren't you?
it's a deception
no one believes you
what did I ask for?
you're spent, so is your heart
once they were there
a face, face becomes a mask
they walked this place a million others did there
before them
a bag of white
a salty ride
the leaves are green they're growing somewhere
somewhere they're making pasty liquid
somewhere they're singing and dancing
in your dreams, you're naked with him
she appears in a leopard coat
is he saying something?
the sky is an eggshell blue
a midwestern winter
the whiskey was part of it
sweet fumes fill your nose
sweet carbon, then not so sweet
the branches hanging grabbing, grabbing onto you
your right hand behind you
head twisted to the left
is there no way out of this?
a rush of red
there will never be an end
Monday, November 01, 2010
Not to get started on a downer, but today a 13 year old girl was tragically killed by a car. Enraging really.....how the hell could this be allowed to happen? I had a bad feeling.....in Fort Greene Park it was empty at the dog run....just a huge sand circle it looked like a science fiction film. Pigeons just sitting around it. Then flying the way they do in circles. The black cat in the deli on DeKalb was just sitting in the middle of the floor, staring ahead. It's All Saints Day....of course lifted from the pagan holidays. NYC also was strangely cold, frigid and silent, even in the East Village, on what was supposed to by the biggest party night of the year. This woman, she was a pretty young blonde, was pushing a kid back and forth on the swings in the playground. It was making this creaking sound....reeeehhhh reeehhh .....and the kid was alone it just reminded me of the Omen. The kid was also staring ahead and not making any noises. I almost think that's a kind of child abuse; to take your kid to a park to hang out alone, with only her the mother or nanny I'm not sure which for company. It's just weird....why isn't he/she (I think it was a girl) in school with other kids her age?
There is a big kind of baseball circle of sand in the middle of the park. That's where people take their dogs.....but when I took Tundra there no one was around. It reminded me of Gorlitzer Park in Berlin. Part of it.....the size of a baseball field at least.....is a huge crater where a bomb was dropped. I mean, the Nazis were who they were but the other side wasn't exactly angelic; our side. It looks like those pictures of Mars or the Moon where asteroids or comets hit; it's pretty much the same thing. I used to run in that park every day when I was there. I think it was turned into an ampitheater or something. That's what it looks like. In Berlin and most of Europe I have to say the weather would make me crazy. At least here in NYC it gets sunny and hot but there it pretty much never does. It's always frigid chilly during the summer it's at most in the 70s. Berlin was cloudy and gloomy even in the summer. Like the sun is shining but it's cold out....deceptive?
It feels very silent around here.
So I went to a crazy party on Saturday night then last night.....I went to the East Village to pick up something at the store but everything was closed. Took a cab for nothing. Argh! Then I stopped at my mother's where we watched this RETARDED film, made back in the 50s or 60s, about a haunted house. The house looked like the Jefferson Market Library on the outside, and like the places in this neighborhood, a lot like Garrett's, on the inside. Clair Bloom and Julie Harris were in it. The Julie Harris character was really annoying........I don't know why she spent the whole film with caked mascara on her eyelashes and no other make up, and like a permanent pinched expression on her face. She just sat there whimpering in this allegedly haunted bedroom, with all the classic cliche haunted house noises.....banging on the pipes, laughing and so on. You know, ha! ha! ha! The same sounds those dolls sold in Wallgreens make. She would cry and scream, "Go away!" The thing is, the guy whose house it was, can't remember the actor's name but he looked like Oliver Stone, had warned them the house was haunted in the beginning. How do they know it wasn't him making all those noises from behind the walls? And if the place was so terrifying, why didn't they just leave? It was atmospheric, though. It was a beautiful place; hey I'd take it, ghosts or not. Burn bay leaves if there's a nasty ghost in the house. There are so many things you can do.....and it's hard to sympathize with these characters I mean if you're that stupid and ignorant you deserve whatever you get. I'm sorry. There's a ton of information out there on hauntings or I suppose if you take out a Bible or salt .....I was reading the lucky mojo site last night and there was a listing of American folk remedies, used back in Illinois, where my great grandparents lived... German-, Irish- and African-American somehow these traditions merged; not sure how. Really this was amazing; because no one in my family told me about these things; ironically I found them on the Internet. I was reading these articles, downing a few too many glasses of this Chilean Red Wine I'd bought in the East Village. I found these YouTube videos of Memphis Minnie songs--atmospheric yes! This music is amazing for a quiet night; sexy and cool, background stuff. The kind of stuff you listen to, or "people" I guess listened to driving on lonely country roads back in the days. Lit a white Meyers Clean Day candle after washing the floor turned out all the lights. Had time alone with precious peace and quiet thank you very much. Chatted a little online.
There was a picture of a woman I know who has rather a treacherous history with a friend of mine....he is not fond of her from what he's told me. Naturally I can't name names. She has ghoul make up on and is staring into the camera....like a blank dead ahead stare. It is really terrifying, this picture. She had written on her page about what a wonderful life she has.....well whatever. My heart jumped a little when I saw that.
There must be many disturbed souls walking around. Troublemakers. Bah! Garrett's place....this room in the back is always cold and was artic temperature last night. I sometimes think I see faces or something standing next to me. This one time I was on the stairs and it....I thought I felt someone pass me, like a light coming down the stairs. Not a surprise; this is an old building and a lot of stuff happened in this very area. A lot of it was very bad. Call it what you will. The real horrors are in the human living world; THAT'S what scares me really.
The other day, the night I went to the crazy party (big O! ) I had an attack of the crazies.I was on the way when the fucking thing came off in the middle of DeKalb Ave. Right next to Applebees, well why is that surprising? The site where a girl name Chanel was mysteriously murdered....anyway. The "ees" in the sign in front of the restaurant look like glowing evil doll eyes.....that sick glowing laughing look. Like the clown doll in "Poltergeist." Go check it out someday; you'll see what I mean My shoe heel broke. I screamed. I lost it. Adrenaline very high partly as I'm getting back in shape as a dancer must have released (back to my Method Acting training) lots of emotional blockages. I read some very upsetting stuff by a woman online whom I had thought was on the same page as me, and I suppose that contributed to it. I wrote in my spiral notebook or rather chicken scratched the hell out of it whiny stuff but hey I will spill and rage it's my notebook. Still, the person who recommended writing in one is the same one who said disturbing stuff online so I'm thinking am I free? As I'm following her advice but then she said all this stuff that really twisted me up emotionally and is saying I'm not really free a slave when she'd said the opposite before.
There is a big kind of baseball circle of sand in the middle of the park. That's where people take their dogs.....but when I took Tundra there no one was around. It reminded me of Gorlitzer Park in Berlin. Part of it.....the size of a baseball field at least.....is a huge crater where a bomb was dropped. I mean, the Nazis were who they were but the other side wasn't exactly angelic; our side. It looks like those pictures of Mars or the Moon where asteroids or comets hit; it's pretty much the same thing. I used to run in that park every day when I was there. I think it was turned into an ampitheater or something. That's what it looks like. In Berlin and most of Europe I have to say the weather would make me crazy. At least here in NYC it gets sunny and hot but there it pretty much never does. It's always frigid chilly during the summer it's at most in the 70s. Berlin was cloudy and gloomy even in the summer. Like the sun is shining but it's cold out....deceptive?
It feels very silent around here.
So I went to a crazy party on Saturday night then last night.....I went to the East Village to pick up something at the store but everything was closed. Took a cab for nothing. Argh! Then I stopped at my mother's where we watched this RETARDED film, made back in the 50s or 60s, about a haunted house. The house looked like the Jefferson Market Library on the outside, and like the places in this neighborhood, a lot like Garrett's, on the inside. Clair Bloom and Julie Harris were in it. The Julie Harris character was really annoying........I don't know why she spent the whole film with caked mascara on her eyelashes and no other make up, and like a permanent pinched expression on her face. She just sat there whimpering in this allegedly haunted bedroom, with all the classic cliche haunted house noises.....banging on the pipes, laughing and so on. You know, ha! ha! ha! The same sounds those dolls sold in Wallgreens make. She would cry and scream, "Go away!" The thing is, the guy whose house it was, can't remember the actor's name but he looked like Oliver Stone, had warned them the house was haunted in the beginning. How do they know it wasn't him making all those noises from behind the walls? And if the place was so terrifying, why didn't they just leave? It was atmospheric, though. It was a beautiful place; hey I'd take it, ghosts or not. Burn bay leaves if there's a nasty ghost in the house. There are so many things you can do.....and it's hard to sympathize with these characters I mean if you're that stupid and ignorant you deserve whatever you get. I'm sorry. There's a ton of information out there on hauntings or I suppose if you take out a Bible or salt .....I was reading the lucky mojo site last night and there was a listing of American folk remedies, used back in Illinois, where my great grandparents lived... German-, Irish- and African-American somehow these traditions merged; not sure how. Really this was amazing; because no one in my family told me about these things; ironically I found them on the Internet. I was reading these articles, downing a few too many glasses of this Chilean Red Wine I'd bought in the East Village. I found these YouTube videos of Memphis Minnie songs--atmospheric yes! This music is amazing for a quiet night; sexy and cool, background stuff. The kind of stuff you listen to, or "people" I guess listened to driving on lonely country roads back in the days. Lit a white Meyers Clean Day candle after washing the floor turned out all the lights. Had time alone with precious peace and quiet thank you very much. Chatted a little online.
There was a picture of a woman I know who has rather a treacherous history with a friend of mine....he is not fond of her from what he's told me. Naturally I can't name names. She has ghoul make up on and is staring into the camera....like a blank dead ahead stare. It is really terrifying, this picture. She had written on her page about what a wonderful life she has.....well whatever. My heart jumped a little when I saw that.
There must be many disturbed souls walking around. Troublemakers. Bah! Garrett's place....this room in the back is always cold and was artic temperature last night. I sometimes think I see faces or something standing next to me. This one time I was on the stairs and it....I thought I felt someone pass me, like a light coming down the stairs. Not a surprise; this is an old building and a lot of stuff happened in this very area. A lot of it was very bad. Call it what you will. The real horrors are in the human living world; THAT'S what scares me really.
The other day, the night I went to the crazy party (big O! ) I had an attack of the crazies.I was on the way when the fucking thing came off in the middle of DeKalb Ave. Right next to Applebees, well why is that surprising? The site where a girl name Chanel was mysteriously murdered....anyway. The "ees" in the sign in front of the restaurant look like glowing evil doll eyes.....that sick glowing laughing look. Like the clown doll in "Poltergeist." Go check it out someday; you'll see what I mean My shoe heel broke. I screamed. I lost it. Adrenaline very high partly as I'm getting back in shape as a dancer must have released (back to my Method Acting training) lots of emotional blockages. I read some very upsetting stuff by a woman online whom I had thought was on the same page as me, and I suppose that contributed to it. I wrote in my spiral notebook or rather chicken scratched the hell out of it whiny stuff but hey I will spill and rage it's my notebook. Still, the person who recommended writing in one is the same one who said disturbing stuff online so I'm thinking am I free? As I'm following her advice but then she said all this stuff that really twisted me up emotionally and is saying I'm not really free a slave when she'd said the opposite before.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)