in an ideal world

physically fit flowing always have medicine I need because I need it drive across country spend time in LA, Colombia, France..... learn Spanish the love the flow undammed film roles get my projects







completed


the dust gone


drinks and dancing blue is the water bloody is the wine

the flow the love undamn it











sorry. sorry. sorry. sorry. not that you are jolly merry perfect wonderful but sorry. we both fucked up. flow through. dust gone. please.






unblock.....JC says to simply do it so here I am doing it


the fame the light is bright the love the light the love the bright the love the house the love the house the love the light the love

right is white the light the love the light the love the light the love the light the love

Barry Lyndon

I grew up watching this film. I have the theme music in my mind going non stop....


"Captain Feeny at your service."

...."pretending to have an ambassador uncle....with the ridiculous name of O Grady......."

I watched this film for the ten billionth time at my mother's tonight....and while I had found the plot hard to follow previously for the first time I understood it, and the German spoken. A good enough amount. Those lessons did something!

OK I'm better

I went through some kind of high surge of anxiety or something. I do yoga, my own style I'm working on, plus meditation. I'm off to read my poem!


BTW, I just want to clarify .....

I was awfully on a .......crazy roll. Manic. The good side is I got many things done. But I don't really well you know. I don't hate all men or women or whatnot.

I'm better. Better.

the house red......revised

nails digging and dirty
I'm underground let


how did I get here?


I'm in this place
going there


red is love
and I'm free
red is love
and I'm free



something went here, went in me

bright, sharp hot and metal
no mistaking it
not this feeling but it's there
out and floating out

take it in the
freedom that's yours
take it in
freedom that's yours




that's red
red and bled
take it in what is yours
I'm taking this chance, this one
running, taking this one

love, speed and torture

which I have toward various people. Anger can be almost a high.....but I was doing extensive meditation and yoga and traumatic experiences with come up.....then suddenly.....perhaps .....release of much pissed offed ness. I was ...... You know...... I am angry at women for different reasons but at the moment my focus is on men.





pissed off at one guy......don't want to go into the details. I spent ........... Righteous indignation and subsequent revenge are sweet, damn sweet! I went into restaurant bathrooms and couldn't hold back.....I .....I was so pissed at this one person......

and my ....... Then I heard a bunch of ambulances. That I have to say was a little spooky.

I went into a pizza shop, started to write, but felt this anger build up in me and.....well hate.......so over the top I couldn't contain it it was more than I could......energy so intense it had to go somewhere. I the worst .....horrible stuff............that was in me. Bad. Really bad. But good that it got out. Maybe that's why ......I mean I have problems yeah it takes something extreme to get rid of them......... It just happened.....I was doing Julia Cameron's "Morning Pages" exercise. I was afraid I'd ...

something I'd rather forget. Intense. you can love and hate someone. Really that was the worst .....it wasn't me it was what

I guess I don't REALLY hate this person, though I did at the time. It was I suppose a response to being hurt and vulnerable and this person had the ability to hurt me and did.

I refuse to take any shit from anyone. No matter how much I love them. I am simply.....


well anyway I'm over feeling this way, at this individual. Things are good now. Love love in so many ways




after it was over I felt better. Now, I haven't slept properly in days and maybe it's this medication but I'm amazingly not too tired. I feel energetic. I want to get more of this stuff but it's not easy, a real pain in the ass.

Speed does make me crazy at times.......well, you know, it ups your adrenaline. That can be a good thing at times. Sometimes it works miracles. A long discussion I had with a friend yesterday: some people DO need this medication. blah blah blah. The industry is abstinence only and how that's wrong, sadistic really. This stuff helps. Everyone has a different reaction because everyone is different.

I'd been up all night.....please don't think all I do with my time is flip out in public bathrooms. I was organizing my things. I bought a book for my papers and started to buy an organizer.....but it would have been too much to drag around in my bag. I bought a bunch of markers, other books. I am getting my shit together slowly. Planning new projects.

I was stuck at the time in a "victim" mentality which I'm not feeling anymore. So I changed this. This was 0riginally an art work I made.


There is malevolence out there. If you're in the mindset that those who have power over you should continue to have it, you're setting yourself up to get hurt. But still, there's no rhyme or reason to it.....anything could happen to anyone anytime. Thinking it over I believe organized religion has a lot to do with people being buried and not getting themselves out. Organized religion has been catastrophic. Maybe everything would be chaos if there wasn't some kind of social order, I don't know. But I chose to follow my own path. I am certain that people are told any number of lies and if they choose not to question or study or find out for themselves, I mean what can I do? That's not me, though. I can't live my life according to a lie.

Further on this: as with religion naturally there's good and bad in everything. I'm not saying it shouldn't exist. Someone, a girl named Lynn, said that if everyone just followed their hearts and did what they wanted everything would fall apart......what would happen to the world? Does anyone dream about getting up at 4AM to work at McDonalds, where people stop for coffee on their travels, or do little kids say, when I grow up, I want to go to the office every day? WHo wouldn't rather be on the beach. I had this discussion with an anarchist once and he said, "Everything would be fine." As for all the sick people in the world, he said, "Let them die. " This man was a street magician who told me he was descended from the American Indians as well as British, and from the Seraphim.

I'm trying to .....well, I could spend my life thinking about this. But there it is for now.

But there has been a great deal of injustice as of the past few years. People have done shit and gotten away with it. That just isn't right.

Leos Morte

I never knew them but wish I had....


listening to this Sasha and another while uploading these pictures....why not an online shrine? Don't have to work to hard to maintain....

ok

So get on with my life, my message to me. Stop fucking around on the web. Sigh. Breathe.

AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you're the person to whom I'm speaking, you know who you are. I can't STAND this anymore! I CAN'T! I don't know his motivations or anyones. I wish to fucking hell I did. BUT YOU ARE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT HE'S .......AND GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. What more can I say? I suppose YOU know who I am. Look, I'm a human being with morals OK?

But after a while if I'm getting fucked over as well......sometimes I think deliberately by you......but well.....how sympathetic can I be after a while?

I'm so trying. Really.

I HAVE to know what is happening.

Enough of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kiddie days in Evanston

Around ages seven and eight, I lived in Evanston, a small pretty town just north of Chicago. My parents had been divorced for several years. I would visit my father weekends. I was in day care Friday nights, and then Dad would come pick me up and take me to his place in the city. My dad's neighbor was a promoter for a radio station.....so he got several copies of records "Not For Sale."There were two entrances to his apartment.....I think it was 830 Hinman Ave in Chicago anyone feeling sentimental? I have nightmares about this apartment. So....off the digression. No, back to it.

So....good news!?!?!? Always welcome.

Hinman Ave is Evanston.....it's been a while. That was my old apartment with my mother. I did a Google search for it....and got the letter A and Lucky Platter. That's got to be a good sign, right? Julia Cameron wrote that she doesn't believe in luck, that that's passive. She believes in synchronicity. Good enough. Lucky or synchronicity.....in getting food tonight? Potatoes, rosemary, B vitamins, spinach. Lentils. Bay leaves. Orange juice. Peirogis how do you spell that? Healing food.






OH yes. I'm digressing again. Hinman Ave is where I first lived in Evanston when I moved with my mother from Columbus, Ohio. That place was creepy too. Our superintendent was from Yugoslavia and was there with his wife and daughter. She was only five and spoke fluent English and Yugoslavian. Her name was Bozy. She was my first friend, I think, moving there.

Starting school, we could walk ourselves home, and we all did. I did go home alone sometimes. I used to see......near the Evanshire Pharmacy, which served as a kind of retirement home among other things.....I was just entering life and they were on their way out......anyhow, this guy, an older man......with one eye. I don't think he wore a patch or anything, his skin was sewn up. I see him and I suppose where you unconsciously expect to see two eyes there .....I felt this sudden shock in my stomach and some kind of .......I knew I shouldn't stare and that of course this wasn't his fault. But I'd feel a slight fear that I would see him. It was......a little ghostly....Main Street.



Anyway.


Dad's place had two entrances: one in front and one in back. WHen he drove we'd enter through the back....and there was a kind of pantry that led to the main hallway and the other rooms. In there was a box of records. On each one was a sign or sticker saying, "Promotional Copy: Not for Sale."

Among these were.......I don't know what happened to these albums, I don't think they were released or at least didn't really hit the mainstream. One of these records....was mostly yellow and purple. The artist was Rodney Crowell. I think it was sometime in the summer that I found this one......I think I got kind of a sick feeling in my stomach, like mild nausea. I put the record on. The first song was called "Stars on the Water." I think I remember this really crazy stifling heat, dust on the windows, and this sort of dingy part of town Dad was in......a brown rug. ANd feeling like I was falling into some kind of ........

ANd I didn't know if anyone had heard this song or what happened to this singer...who I guess is well known I don't keep up with country music.

I played this record for my friend Cherish. We would do "talent show" s this is a little embarassing...... but all the time. THat and swimming.

which we did, my friends and I. This must have been a foreshadowing of the future.....to Talent Show at Bo Po Club.





Who did I listen to ? All those punk/new wave people, the more popular ones. I guess I hadn't heard of XRay spex but I did know naturally Pat Benetar, Blondie, the Missing Persons, Kim Wilde.....oh and J Geils Band. I did really worship these people....still do!

There was a film called "Roadie" or something like that, and he got the record for that. This one song by Pat Benetar "You Better Run" I listened to.....made a tape and skit out of that.....

I was obsessed with this album by Kim Wilde......I think I've listened to this around a million times. It's brilliant and beyond, I think. I really do.

Fights

There's been a lot of ....... I've been on some of my worst behavior. However, certain individuals did provoke that in me. So what can I say? I'm human and emotional. And these people are close to me, people I love, therefore can hurt me more, so I react.

I can only do what I can only do. I am me. I don't know what you (and the persons to whom I'm speaking may not ever read this) want from me or what I can give you. What the hell did you expect anyway? If other people have it worked out so well and are so great why aren't you living your life with them? Is that what you were trying to tell me? Congratulations to those whose lives are going wonderfully and who have so thoroughly worked out life's major questions. So I fucked up. So sue me, you know? You all deserve a million kudos for working it out hell it all could have been so simple I guess. I'm glad you are receiving the gold and green and that's fabulous. I suppose I could be too. If I didn't love these people......I wish I didn't. Those who are closer to my heart have more ability to stab me, to hurt me, and they do. They have a power that they never fail to show. What do I do? I suppose ......should I simply walk away? Maybe it's my fault for not having done that long ago....enough people advised it. So love is not sadomasochism. Go torture somebody else that way. It's sad, because I do love you. But my misery and blood is not sport.


Why am I even in your life? Guess that's the million dollar question isn't it?

It's hard when you try to believe in something and someone and that person simply is never satisfied, with anything. I'm me. That's all I am capable of being. Maybe I can be more. What the fuck do you want, a complete transformation? I don't have to do this for anyone, why should I for you? Other people think I'm great. Maybe it's my fault for loving someone who is totally dysfunctional and incapable of giving..........you think you're innocent? I wish I could cut out that part of me that feels, that loves. It's brought me endless misery. It's made my life hell. I shouldn't have expected heaven.

I repeat, what do you want from me?

From Kill Bill

"They say the number one killer of old people is retirement. When people have a job to do, they tend to live a little longer. "

Future Sound of London

Venus

That which you most need to hear. Who says no? Really a yes can be scary. I jump out....I'm entitled to happiness. As are we all. I have to keep telling myself that. Keep telling myself that. And the green the love the fire it's here accept accept don't vomit it up.....

Love and romance. And sex. And money. I'll take the money and sex.....I have to love myself and give love. Cheesy but true. I want to make others and myself happy. The bad turn to good......to love. Love. Flowing through me.

Don't get me wrong....because as I say this I let out the dark as well as the light. There's quite a lot of destructiveness in me as well. Believe me I struggle with it. Beauty can be torture. But I have a gift. That which I asked for. And I am grateful. I want to use it. Scary though it is.

Well I'm making a go.




There is no one to say it sometimes. The real truth is often unspoken. I have to jump and trust that it's there. Do that. The love the love.....it's here. I have to take it in. Help me to.

To get through winter

Well, it's cold but it could be colder. But some wintery stuff: Lentil soup with bay leaves. Hot apple cider with cinnamon. Red. Scarves.

Numerical themes

I keep getting the numbers 413. Everywhere. Today. 413. 413. 413.

I know what it is...that of extremes.

And that it is. My grandfather passed away yesterday. Well......I struggle as a person with morals, who doesn't want to be ......

Today was a real struggle. There was so much.....that was wrong. I'm grateful it's over.

rad chicks I met

these two girls Jill and Savannah. They sing gospel songs on the subway. More artistic people......colors......


Keep it going sisters!

JOAN LA PUCELLE:
The regent conquers,
and the Frenchmen fly.
Now help, ye
charming spells
and periapts;
And ye choice
spirits that
admonish me
And give me
signs of future
accidents.

[Thunder]

You speedy helpers,
that are substitutes
Under the
lordly monarch
of the north,
Appear and aid
me in this enterprise.

[Enter Fiends]

This speedy and
quick appearance argues proof
Of your accustom'd
diligence to me.
Now, ye familiar
spirits, that are cull'd
Out of the powerful
regions under earth,
Help me this once,
that France may get the field.

[They walk, and speak not]

O, hold me not with silence over-long!
Where I was wont to feed you with my blood,
I'll lop a member off and give it you
In earnest of further benefit,
So you do condescend to help me now.

[They hang their heads]

No hope to have redress? My body shall
Pay recompense, if you will grant my suit.

[They shake their heads]

Cannot my body nor blood-sacrifice
Entreat you to your wonted furtherance?
Then take my soul, my body, soul and all,
Before that England give the French the foil


For those who didn't know this is from Shakespeare's Henry VI part I......


I had in mind the music from the opening of The Shining.......but 


I don't want to rip off anyone. But it fits. For this play and the theme. 

up and down extremes

some times yes it's very painful

to live to the worst and I was so afraid it would happen

and I was stabbed and bitten mercilessly almost

but here I am still alive and

I won't let those fuckers run my life no matter how hard they try

love can be bittersweet like an apple

woman as she is and love as it is

oh to be released to leave to love to accept to feel to not feel this

right and left and up and down

love and hate

how much water is on the moon? WHAT is on the moon?

love and hate the same person


desire to forgive desire for revenge


want to own want to let go


self love self annihilation


life and death


need to break free of this torture of endless here and there


so is it that simple? maybe it is


this is the thirteenth moon, at the end of the year. That explains 2009.


And I'm not dead.


Crucified dead and buried. I think I was all three.


But I came back.


Laura Laurel Sunday's Child

Lady Hecate


Now....what will I do this thirteenth moon night?


I will make some fucking dough, that's what.


I will increase the love. The lust. The red dust. The green. The water. Up. Up. Up.


I got a new bike. I ride the love, the streaks of light. The life.


Up and down.

Love and hate.

White and black.

what do I want?

A quiet study with a grandfather clock in it. Among other things.

I spent a great deal of time on Essex st yesterday. It's an ugly, grey, grim place. Practically my life centers around Broome St now, but for how long who knows. But for the past year it has.

On Essex St, there's a Cuban section in the market with a guy who has a Santaria alter. There was a puppet hanging over head and I asked him how much he was selling it for. He said, this is not for sale. How embarrassing. He was probably thinking, stupid American. I asked him, what does it represent? He said, "Death." I had put on this oil black arts, why.....I guess sometimes the darker stuff can be healing, in a way.



Yes it was a death, that day. For a day. It seemed like it.
I don't recommend using black arts oil if you're easily suicidal. It's not for the faint of heart. But it can help, if you can handle it.