Fights

There's been a lot of ....... I've been on some of my worst behavior. However, certain individuals did provoke that in me. So what can I say? I'm human and emotional. And these people are close to me, people I love, therefore can hurt me more, so I react.

I can only do what I can only do. I am me. I don't know what you (and the persons to whom I'm speaking may not ever read this) want from me or what I can give you. What the hell did you expect anyway? If other people have it worked out so well and are so great why aren't you living your life with them? Is that what you were trying to tell me? Congratulations to those whose lives are going wonderfully and who have so thoroughly worked out life's major questions. So I fucked up. So sue me, you know? You all deserve a million kudos for working it out hell it all could have been so simple I guess. I'm glad you are receiving the gold and green and that's fabulous. I suppose I could be too. If I didn't love these people......I wish I didn't. Those who are closer to my heart have more ability to stab me, to hurt me, and they do. They have a power that they never fail to show. What do I do? I suppose ......should I simply walk away? Maybe it's my fault for not having done that long ago....enough people advised it. So love is not sadomasochism. Go torture somebody else that way. It's sad, because I do love you. But my misery and blood is not sport.


Why am I even in your life? Guess that's the million dollar question isn't it?

It's hard when you try to believe in something and someone and that person simply is never satisfied, with anything. I'm me. That's all I am capable of being. Maybe I can be more. What the fuck do you want, a complete transformation? I don't have to do this for anyone, why should I for you? Other people think I'm great. Maybe it's my fault for loving someone who is totally dysfunctional and incapable of giving..........you think you're innocent? I wish I could cut out that part of me that feels, that loves. It's brought me endless misery. It's made my life hell. I shouldn't have expected heaven.

I repeat, what do you want from me?