love, speed and torture

which I have toward various people. Anger can be almost a high.....but I was doing extensive meditation and yoga and traumatic experiences with come up.....then suddenly.....perhaps .....release of much pissed offed ness. I was ...... You know...... I am angry at women for different reasons but at the moment my focus is on men.





pissed off at one guy......don't want to go into the details. I spent ........... Righteous indignation and subsequent revenge are sweet, damn sweet! I went into restaurant bathrooms and couldn't hold back.....I .....I was so pissed at this one person......

and my ....... Then I heard a bunch of ambulances. That I have to say was a little spooky.

I went into a pizza shop, started to write, but felt this anger build up in me and.....well hate.......so over the top I couldn't contain it it was more than I could......energy so intense it had to go somewhere. I the worst .....horrible stuff............that was in me. Bad. Really bad. But good that it got out. Maybe that's why ......I mean I have problems yeah it takes something extreme to get rid of them......... It just happened.....I was doing Julia Cameron's "Morning Pages" exercise. I was afraid I'd ...

something I'd rather forget. Intense. you can love and hate someone. Really that was the worst .....it wasn't me it was what

I guess I don't REALLY hate this person, though I did at the time. It was I suppose a response to being hurt and vulnerable and this person had the ability to hurt me and did.

I refuse to take any shit from anyone. No matter how much I love them. I am simply.....


well anyway I'm over feeling this way, at this individual. Things are good now. Love love in so many ways




after it was over I felt better. Now, I haven't slept properly in days and maybe it's this medication but I'm amazingly not too tired. I feel energetic. I want to get more of this stuff but it's not easy, a real pain in the ass.

Speed does make me crazy at times.......well, you know, it ups your adrenaline. That can be a good thing at times. Sometimes it works miracles. A long discussion I had with a friend yesterday: some people DO need this medication. blah blah blah. The industry is abstinence only and how that's wrong, sadistic really. This stuff helps. Everyone has a different reaction because everyone is different.

I'd been up all night.....please don't think all I do with my time is flip out in public bathrooms. I was organizing my things. I bought a book for my papers and started to buy an organizer.....but it would have been too much to drag around in my bag. I bought a bunch of markers, other books. I am getting my shit together slowly. Planning new projects.