maybe

my stuff seems dark and negative. but really...I hope....cheesy? I hope it's never anything but....well, an act of love ultimately. the love has to be there. whichever way you choose. flowing through you. that's the hard part. love can be dark and violent though. venus is a violent planet and one of war sometimes. so hey.......there' s so much bad out there. it's an everyday effort. I am not alone. have to keep remembering that. at times it feels like you're alone in the universe. i have to listen to my instinct...like Julia Cameron is saying. And that's so often at odds with what everyone around me...including those I love and believe in....say. yeah, it is a struggle at times. well, you know, I do my bit....what else can I do? I may not be perfect or never make mistakes. I may not be the prettiest, youngest, the best dancer, whatever. but I'm attractive enough, I have some advantages that many want. I come from a great family, though flawed, from white middle class America. No one beat or molested me. I usually, eventually get the help I need. I've had good and bad things happen to me. The love is there in my life, not perfect but there are those who try to be there for me. But they can't do it all. Who can? get what I need for me....

I sometimes feel like a victim. maybe I am one at times. Or I feel that of others. It is impossible for me to just be grateful and not feel anything. for others. If only I could be that way. I wish I could just be sometimes. But I'm not.