dreading tonight

I am not a fan of New Years Eve and I know all it's going to be is people everywhere getting shitfaced and worse. Plus, a mess. Plus, annoying people. I'm not feeling festive right now and the astrological chart for today is not good. Maybe it's PMS but I'm feeling down, now. But I'll try to be upbeat.

xmas another year!

Good but tiring, expensive and stressful for all involved. Not easy on anyone. But....it went well with no family fights and I love presents and the atmosphere of it. My mother's a great cook and I really feasted heavily............still; I'm happy to be back to normal life. And to get out of there, honestly. They drove me home and seemed horrified at Brooklyn and my surroundings. What can I do? At least I'm taking care of myself, you know? I love them, but we're different.

stuff

is it good or bad all this stuff--nails, cleaning stuff, hand soap, degreaser, get laundry ready for the cleaning lady, sniff a tiny bit of blow before running, run up the endless miserable brooklyn hills, rain getting in my eyes and i wear contacts, all the way to no man's land in red hook, seagulls flying around what must be corpses in the river, see a friend who smokes the rest of my weed..................this area; isolated, empty, separate from the rest of new york, what used to be junkies, squatters, and is slowly becoming artists and "yuppies" I swear there's no end to them------- and they all look the same, all these women have the same hair and wear the same thing I've never seen anything like it---- ever-- walk miles in the rain to my favorite pasta place in brooklyn heights, finally, after endless walking up more hills I get there, eat, go to connetitcut muffin for a cafe mocha with skim milk, get on a crowded bus, get off early because I can't take the crowd, walk home in the rain............

so what is going on

I've been neglecting this I know. just been so frantic, so hard to keep up with everything.

I come home only wanting to fall into bed but I am caring for five cats now.....it's kind of comic in a way but it's exhausting and endless. I have to spend an hour cleaning up after them....let's not even get into that.

I looked at my face in the mirror today. Outside. I looked ravaged; there's a big pimple scar and bags under my eyes and the stress shows. Everything, mostly, said about me is BS. People who know nothing about me try to paint my life in their own shades of interpretation, and I have to expend so much energy denying all of this.

And I've been reading up on the Manson family members, in particular Leslie van Houten and Susan Atkins. Personally, though I don't have time to go into this now; I think they deserve to be paroled. They've done their time and paid, and they've been good prisoners. Why did Robert Chambers get out after not even twenty years, and these women have been there almost forty? It's not right. They were brainwashed, at the time. Not to excuse what they did, but they've paid more than enough. I don't know when or if it'll happen.

this speaks for itself

thanks to indymedia for updating us on this.

Pretty disturbing, but also reassuring; that people will go to these lengths to defend what they think is right.

wipe the tape clean?

That's an expression in this book The Robber Bride where a woman is told that to forget someone who screwed them over. I try to do this with db I try I try I tell myself this I try try to put him behind me but why can't I? Why does he just keep coming back? I see the number of his address everywhere. I think about stabbing him he stabs me it's hell, so painful. Wipe the tape clean! She says in the book. But the other one can't, she says you've never had a dose of this person. If it were that simple I'd have done it. Sometimes I want to stab myself to get rid of this feeling. To feel something else. This is a perpetual dull knife twisting in me. When will it ever go away? I've had bad experiences with other guys but I moved on and forgot them. Why is it not happening with him?

hey ho hey hey ho
no more free sex for you
no more lies our past is ours
free love is ours
so pay up pay up

sex work cheer

Sex workers union cheer::: sent by Mary Xmas


(I changed a little the original can be found on the radical cheerleaders web site)
BOP! smack! booty slap
RAISE YOUR FIST AND TAKE IT BACK!
hey ho, hey hey ho strippers have workers rights you know hey ho, hey hey ho hookers have workers rights you know the right to work alone, not with a pimp
to take the day off when you feel sick
to walk the streets day or night
free from violence free ta fight
no one forced me no one's exploiting me
I'm the only one who supports me
hey ho, hey hey ho
your ugly sexism has ta go bitch!
enough is enough! the cunts must rise up
didn't sleep today
gotta work my way so kiss the back of my butt
shake yer booty to the ground, turn it upside down!! cuz we had sex with annabel chong

so kiss the back of my butt kiss the back of my butt

so some performers

at the odebs are good some awesome awesome individuals are there......but this one....I don't know if they were a couple or what......they got up with their accoustic guitars they were SO pretentious and annoying one of them said to the sound guy something like, "Can you turn up the reverb on the mike?" Jesus, who do they think they are? At the Bowery Poetry Club open mike whoaaaa ....and their annoying "folk" songs a la Suzanne Vega with these lyrics like....those folkie ones like, "And her eyes are in my dreams.....Lisa walks into a coffee shop and sits next to the window...." I know am I harsh? I'm too bad, sometimes.....

waiting

I started going to the o debra twins open mike never thought it'd have such a profound impact on my life so much has happened you just never know where things will take you. I met this guy at Veselka who is homeless, apparently, young, seems nice. I felt sorry for him and let him stay at my place one night and he wouldn't leave me alone. He didn't force himself or anything just kept coming on to me....then I read this article on sociopaths and con artists and how they play on sympathy and come from far away places and thought is this him?

so I wait and wait, for the phone to ring, for him, waiting for him....it's hell it's hell and when he does arrive it's stupid and pointless yet I still want to see him it burns away at me how I want to see him I tried I tried I tried to disengage myself I did but I don't feel better only want to see him I wish I wouldn't couldn't care I just wish he were here I know it's crazy it's not love it's lust it's love maybe love is hell love is crazy love can destroy it's pain pain why didn't anyone tell me that?.....

ground zero destroyed my ipod

whoever is responsible for the WTC disaster owes me a new ipod. It was working fine until I brought it down by the river when I was dogsitting for my mom's dog and it just up and died. Now it won't turn on....just black. It's the hauntings of that area it must be. Creepy right? But now I have no music, and I need that!

here's another Colombian video for you.....

in the year of our lord 1992

KLF seriously check out this video these guys are geniuses. I listened to this tape thousands of times.....

I'm getting addicted to you tube

my youtube debut

me and all my brilliance

there'll be more to come.........

A

I love you; deep down I believe you're a good person with the best intentions. I have that tenderness toward you as much as I'd like to ....well, not like you. I made excuses, told her I was busy/working...........thing is, you made your decision; I made mine. Don't try to come between me and my choices, you who know nothing about my life. Or at least relatively little. I appreciate your caring for me but all that nearly did me in. I can't be around you.

happy 'ween! and all saint's day

This one was crazy crazy I went to two far out awesome parties last night but I have to say I feel "cleansed" in a weird way. Stuff that normally stresses me out doesn't so much, now. I got dressed up as a turn of the century tart I bought this costume in one of those all night sex shops. It was pricey but ultimately worth it....I had entertained a fantasy of performing in one of those for a while now. It made me highly fuckable.....interesting, because I so rarely really dress up. Now I'm back to sweats........and feeding the cats..............

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I lost my cell phone. I think I left it in my friend's car. I went to the trouble and expense of buying a halloween costume but this thing I wanted to go to in dc I guess it's not going to happen. There's more but I don't want to go into it here. So now I'm drinking some wine to calm my nerves. :)

hypocrisy, misogyny and poetic justice

bastards. Will get very emotional on this issue: prostitution arrests. I know there are male hookers, but too many are female and the arrest of someone for selling sex is a form of discrimination; an attempt to control a woman's body in the same way anti abortion laws do. The fact that there are women who support these acts really scratches at me....all the time. Also considering the lack of support from women who call themselves radical feminists for any measures to improve the lives of sex workers; instead standing behind the "swedish model" I mean I don't think this would have happened in the 60s and 70s, or among the original Redstockings members. How fucking dare anyone come down on or judge anyone else for their sexual behavior? I mean what is done behind closed doors. Women are stupid, much of the time, and hurt other women and keep them down.

However, these men have done their bit as well. Reading about this stuff makes me....I don't want to use the word "hate" because I don't believe in it, but Bush is....oh he's so bad, so bad.....why is he on this earth? How could he be allowed to live with the rest of humanity? He's a murderer. And his administration. All this atrocity is happening to our own people and nothing is being done about it. Not right. Please people join the campaigns to stop this. However, there's hope. That prick got what was coming to him........

am going to be productive; not going to f around

making lists. I get home and want to fall into bed.....so often I do. But there's, you know, all the other stuff.....and that's what tortures me because it's so much work and so stressful. Like I'm thinking of all the things I'm looking for: more travel; like to South America, back to Egypt, back to Europe; do I want to stay in NYC (good and bad qualities) or move to LA/Egypt/London/Berlin/Barranquilla......or go back to school full time; study philosophy and Spanish; buy a car; dance; make an album; make a dance piece; a play; write more articles.....buy a place; ect ect ect.....speak Spanish/German/French fluently....

so of course this is overwhelming.

Christine following me?

so I got obsessed with that film. Today, as I was leaving the gym after dealing with these two ANNOYING women/girls.....I saw this car that could have been the one in Christine. I had just been thinking about it, too. The same design, red, dated--no way it's from this era--

I don't know what it means, but I was a little freaked. The movie starts on September 12 which is my mom's birthday, and my mom is from Detroit. The actor Keith Gordon is so cute in it I just want to hug him and more............

running, movies and reading

So I figured out how to put films and music videos on my ipod and so this is what gets me through running on the treadmill. I usually get to the gym tired, in a bad mood and hungry--just wanting to crawl back into bed or else eat. I watched the film Christine today--once in a while a film grabs me by the tit and won't let go and this is one of them. Steven King and John Carpenter are brilliant as is the acting, mainly by the lead.

Favorite videos are: Janet Jackson: All for You, Brooke Hogan: About Us, Madonna and Britney Spears: Me Against the Music, Britney Spears: Overprotected, Michael Jackson (all, pretty much), Gwen Stephani: Rich Girl.........


As for books, right now I'm reading Autobiography of a Blue Eyed Devil by Inga Muscio. Pretty interesting--flawed but is making me understand a few things better. Part of me is thinking: tell me something I don't know. But actually, in some parts she is. We're living on stolen land among other things: it makes me think of all those happy "history" stories we were taught in school about Christopher Columbus and Pocohantas.

So I've been working constantly and am under the usual pressures it never is easy. But I'm making progress; it's slow and uphill but happening. I bought good chocolate and coffee to wake up to in the morning plus organic milk; I'm lucky to be able to enjoy these things! Still of course I need more, though. I really want to travel and am waiting for my passport not to mention for my health insurance to kick in. I have to deal with accountants. Yeck---I'd rather go to the dentist any day. But reading about all the suffering and misery of the world puts me in a foul place especially in the mornings. I feel angry and depressed. Then I get over it, sort of, for a while. I'm not really a happy person and can't understand all these peppy people around me. Maybe it's an illusion--but are they oblivious to what is around them? Right under their noses? That's what this book is talking about...........