but now

I feel terrible. Almost like crying. I was convinced the opposite was true. I raged screamed punched and slammed. So many other examples of .......the fucked up things I've seen (blank oh I won't say it, or state the obvious) do.

sweet

I asked the tarot (online) if someone is doing something behind my back. Anyway I got this :

not luck the good spirits look out for me thank you!

	The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future. The Renaissance Tarot is a modern deck, with symbolism drawn from the heroic age and rendered in renaissance style. This deck is an excellent choice for exploring questions of passion, mastery, and the inner workings of human reason. If you would like your own copy of the Renaissance Tarot, you can buy it now!
	The left card represents an important element of the past. Eight of Coins (Prudence): Frankness, honesty and innocence. Candid confrontation of circumstances.
	The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Five of Staves (Strife), when reversed: A cautious step ahead without the aid of others.
	The right card represents a critical element of the future. Two of Cups (Love): The flower of first love, of love at first sight. The bond between two people, invisible but formidable.

revision of earlier writings

a gold scarf around my neck
and it's a house, mine
waiting for a response
a clue
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?



you, me and her
I hold one up, then another
one, then another

I'm seventeen and it's black in here
tiles are black
I see myself
there's so much, so much to see

thoughts on "Platoon"

When I was about nineteen, living in Chicago, I became sort of obsessed with this film. It had a sexiness underneath the surface, almost like there is in Christianity, and in Jesus. Sexy and poignant. I admit, I won't deny part of it was seeing these guys with their shirts off. What is the word, beefcake? I didn't say all, but part of it. The part where Willem Dafoe blows smoke through the gun into Charlie Sheen's face, well you know that is symbolic. I guess the world loves martyrs. The Jesus story is very similar to that of Apollo, of so many others. Jesus is the Greek name, the "Savior" was not called that, the name means son of Zeus. Jesus was Jeshua, I think. Apollo was known for healing the sick and raising the dead. Point being, there's something in the sexiness of men, which you seldom hear about, and cleansing, love, rebirth. And pain. And healing. Becoming something new.

coming soon, negative reviews

I've shown what I like and will get to what I don't. Keep in mind, yes, these are just my opinions. If others disagree, no matter. I don't hold it against people. Such is the beauty of the world, its diversity.

But the bad reviews I'll have fun. It's time to go for the kill, the burn. Let it rip. Vent.....the time is coming!

more on Bravery

they integrated dance music/techno/disco.....with their music. But in this time that was popular and common in Brooklyn; I know because I was there. Many styles merged into a hybrid, you could say.

thoughts on hard rock, modern American

that stuff bores the shit out of me. I tried, tried giving it a chance, and to me it all sounds the same.....like listening to a vacuum cleaner. Bands like Soundgarden, Nickelback, 30 Seconds to Mars......so many.....just can't get into it. The same happened to me with hard core punk. Even though I believe in the movement and philosophy, I was just bored, listening to many of the bands. It's not my thing. The Bravery were voted worst band by Spin Magazine, or most hated, something like that. If Spin were my criteria for my self esteem, I would have been crushed, pulverized. But since I don't give a fuck what they think, it doesn't affect me except as humorous. Of course they would hate people who actually have talent. The Bravery is NOT like Duran Duran or whatever bands they're compared to. They started out as a garage band. Duran Duran did consider themselves punk at the beginning. So spare your snobbery. And both bands are from completely different times and places, on opposite sides of the ocean. New York is not London or Liverpool. The early 2000s are not the early 1980s. They are not the same.

OK think about it there are WAY many similarities in hair, make up, the zig zags on the face, and so on. Lady Gaga did something similar. Still, I love the look of the Pussycat Dolls girl. Wish I'd thought of that. I want to do a complete transformation, of course without copying another person. Not, ahem, the way some others have. The difference between inspiration and stealing? Sometimes hard to define but VERY IMPORTANT. Plagiarism is not OK!

Still, I want to change my hair and face and just blow apart, into a new star ME. Thinking.....

why on earth

would somebody do something crazy like that? why indeed. That's the million dollar question. Sick. Sick. Sick.

because they are not what they appear to be. because they have another motivation.

I agree that we should not focus on the wrongdoings of others and just try to do the right thing ourselves, and that we have no control over what other people do. But sometimes the bad actions others take is causing harm and is serious enough that it can't be ignored.

she is a sick woman, a necrophiliac, among other things. think I'm kidding? I mean literally. ugh! how I suffered and for what?

never understood that creepy, bad vibe I got from her. Underneath the surface. Never paid attention. I believed there was good in there others were just mean....ugh! Boy have I woken from that! Look into her eyes; they're pretty like emeralds but cruel and ruthless. Uncaring.Yeah, well, try it some time.

live and learn

she stole, pretty much, my poem and concept, but completely misunderstood. Copied my look. Turned an intelligent work into a cheesy-ass cliched "faux age" thing and interpreted it the same. I was young and really knew nothing. Thought it was a coincidence. ! Learned the hard way. I was NEVER "new age." I am not a believer in karma or heaven and hell, ect. Except I recently told someone to go to hell. I meant hell on earth. I was doing yoga, too. Listening to British techno and into the "rave" look. I was never into hip hop or modern rock; the latter I can't stand.

gamma rays x rays
queen of wands
the universe
life create disperse



it was a poetry class where they critique.....this one guy wrote: "Gamma rays kill on dispersal. Confused. "

oh yes another:

flying so high I may be going to Paris


another guy wrote "straight up to Paris, cut through the crap."

Coyote Fugly has been deemed unclean, literally. Ugh.

Found this I love it.

stuff, ect

Quite a lot is happening and yes there are so many things I want to accomplish; working on getting them all.

Poetry
Slams, readings, ect
dance, dance
I have not been dormant......but rehearsing. A lot of work but I'm feeling very passionate about it. now I have to put together a costume.

greek mythology
goth
Irish folk gothic
"rave"
pole dancing
"chair" dancing


book?
editing, lots of that
yoga
sp s

http://www.speakforanimals.info/vivisection

Vivisection a Fraud? to put it mildly. Probably the biggest ever. Ignorance is not bliss.


very .......waste of resources? the economy being what it is.

"Welfare mothers" right.

I am always in a shit horrid mood in the am and it doesn't help that I was woken by some noisy inconsiderate people. But I'm sort of basically over it.

Just an update, lest you think else, these are the proposed goals:

1) enter poetry contests among other things.
2) learn more pole dancing (I'm serious I'm getting better, after a year. working hard at it. It is absolutely the right decision!)
3) yoga blog
4) music video blog (rate and discuss A+ being the best F- being the worst)
5) perform more dances, better, with more elaborate costumes, more complicated moves, wigs, more make up, better rehearsed. Ideally I'll rehearse to the point where it's automatic. The right shoes. I have all my shit there and it's done so I am not thinking what is my next move or how do I not fall on my head and so on. Lived and learned.....that I'm working on intensely now)
6) read my writing publicly....I've been brushing this off just have to integrate it somehow. I know I'm a good writer (enough people have copied or tried to copy me) but I can't just do that alone.....I need to be trying different things. That is how I am. I am not really a literary person.
7) more comedy and improv
8) Job on a TV station, or film (I was talking to someone very in depth about this yesterday)
9) apt, ground floor, with back yard, so my kitties can freely move in and out.....it's been very much a struggle to care for them in the city otherwise. I don't feel right just leaving them indoors all the time, cats need to get out.
10) personal stuff......? bonding with the right ones, and the undesirable ones who are harmful.....oh they know who they are! ......out of my life. Forever. Don't think I don't see through your BS.
11) savings, a lot, a lot.....for a time there'd been nothing to save. Now that to change.
12) taxes, all that stuff
13) travel more....I love Egypt it's a fabulous place not like it's depicted on the news. South America.
14) Have a more loving homey home. Free to bathe and light incense/candles with non-abusive and non-hypervigilant people.

feeling better

i have opinions on some things better left unsaid......that's hard though it's dying to get out.


I see.....God I wish I had a dollar for every one.....pedophilia everywhere. Coming from some of our "respected" citizens, hell research them a little they're not so respectable!

That explains a lot, doesn't it?

I had a very rough 24 hours, better now. Dust settled getting there.....

more later.....

quite a lot went by.......craziness.

Florida

well I guess Florida's not the best destination right now.....maybe I can feel better. Cause I was very seriously planning to go. I can also feel better these two jerks (who bragged about their trip to everyone not wanting to hear it, thanks for rubbing that in, when I couldn't go ooohhOOOOOOHHHHHHHH) I encountered ARE down there. If they get carried off I just won't cry. I know, I'm mean.

new.....

your face is the rubber gum I
smash and twist into a funhouse mirror
gummy goo gummy
how many people are there?
how many more?
what is invisible that I'm still seeing
what light is it in?
was it really red? how much

but this street is grey
echoes of those lost
screech and squeal in my ears
I'm screaming when I wake up
somewhere, someone is having fun on me
not going back! not going back

Sky Dancer almost forgot!

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is!





red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back

give it back

it's 4:30 AM

how did her face get pale, paler still?

the house is made of wood

and when I wake up for a second it's there
how did her face get pale, paler still?

smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! o me
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are people in green
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?

if it were me, if it were really me
if it were me, if it were really me

only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
what is soft what is dust