feeling better

i have opinions on some things better left unsaid......that's hard though it's dying to get out.


I see.....God I wish I had a dollar for every one.....pedophilia everywhere. Coming from some of our "respected" citizens, hell research them a little they're not so respectable!

That explains a lot, doesn't it?

I had a very rough 24 hours, better now. Dust settled getting there.....

more later.....

quite a lot went by.......craziness.

Florida

well I guess Florida's not the best destination right now.....maybe I can feel better. Cause I was very seriously planning to go. I can also feel better these two jerks (who bragged about their trip to everyone not wanting to hear it, thanks for rubbing that in, when I couldn't go ooohhOOOOOOHHHHHHHH) I encountered ARE down there. If they get carried off I just won't cry. I know, I'm mean.

new.....

your face is the rubber gum I
smash and twist into a funhouse mirror
gummy goo gummy
how many people are there?
how many more?
what is invisible that I'm still seeing
what light is it in?
was it really red? how much

but this street is grey
echoes of those lost
screech and squeal in my ears
I'm screaming when I wake up
somewhere, someone is having fun on me
not going back! not going back

Sky Dancer almost forgot!

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is!





red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back

give it back

it's 4:30 AM

how did her face get pale, paler still?

the house is made of wood

and when I wake up for a second it's there
how did her face get pale, paler still?

smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! o me
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are people in green
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?

if it were me, if it were really me
if it were me, if it were really me

only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
what is soft what is dust

auditions

All these people saying they can't audition and if there are any AEA auditions please let them know.


Yeah. Sure. I'll be in touch.
on this audition site these actors are saying they won't attend a certain audition because it's not AEA and they'll be in Florida or they just got cast as so and so in another Shakespeare play. It's nice to know these are the worst of some people's problems isn't it? I guess life isn't fair.....

Sky Dancer and another new version!

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is!
red is Satan, Satan blood


to get out of this! to live,
out of this! to live
claws
red streaks
her in the window
yours give it back
yours give it back
smash! selfish to live here
give it back
selfish to live



apparently this was 12/11/10

it's 4:30 AM
how did her face get pale, paler still
the house is made of wood
but that's in another time
am I doomed to walk at night?
but that's in another time


smoke, ash ash
you marked it well
o green witch! me on Apollo
if this is the moon, is it white?
is there nothing, nothing here?
somewhere else there are rebels
are cut with green leaves on their way, to?


if it were me, if it were really me
nothing to rebel against
leaves won't cut me I'm not there
if I were?

only a mission
for them to tell you
what's on the surface
mass of chalk
there's nothing there, really nothing, nothing there

new version sky dancer

that edge, you're there
night ending
edge, you're there
night ending

a red car, really is red!
Satan here, Satan now



to get out of this! to live,
selfish to live, selfish to live
claws
drops of blood become crooked
can't stop the blood
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours give it back
what's yours give it back
smash! selfish to live here



apparently this was 12/11/10

it's 4:30 AM
didn't know how skin could get so pale
her cheek is bleeding
and it's a house, that and it's made of wood


a cloud of smoke fires out
I am ash
o green witch! Apollo mission
the moon is white? Is there nothing on it?
Nothing her, nothing on it?
somewhere there are rebels
cut with green leaves
am I really here?
what could be it
vicious red! suddenly I am out
there's nothing there, really nothing, nothing there

treadmill and TV

I don't even own a television where I live and never watch it.....except when I'm at my mom's house or at the gym....yes I rejoined thank Goodness. Ugh! Running in the park was feeling like the worst kind of execution sentence don't know how people can ever enjoy that. Plus, I am just not a people person and hate being approached by random "curious" bystanders who want to ask me a bunch of retarded questions like "How many miles do you run?" I mean, how the hell do I know? It's just not my thing and was SO boring......

But now on the machines I can forget I'm running and don't have to look at anyone I can look at the TV.....my thing is music videos and all the crime shows like Law and Order, CSI.....or the A and E channel I'm a sucker for all that grisly stuff. Or....what was the show? Hauntings.

I need to find this news channel specifically but something infuriated me.....a "news" show about alleged "underage girls" being "sold" on Back Page. What stupidity! Pure bullshit. I would like to see the proof. You agree by posting to the Terms and COnditions that you're of legal age. I will research more.


Also, I am serious about starting a Yoga Blog because today I read in the Times, which is an intelligent newspaper, about some woman who was "breaking the rules" or some such by starting a yoga studio that was pure exercise and not a spiritual exercise. Well she's RIGHT! Yoga is a science and is NOT religious but that in itself tells you something. Perhaps there's real power in deep breathing.......so the natural defense is to "brainwash" the population with syrupy pseudo-spiritual sweetness......til they nod out and surrender their power, their strength......and shoot themselves in the head really. Caveat emptor! I can't stress that enough. Mind control damn straight.

I've done yoga for years. I'm not the best at it, I suppose not the worst. It's hard. It can be painful. That and uncrossing and therapy and baths and journaling and art yes that's why I'm hard core about being physically active....oxygen into you cleans you. I cannot not live an active life. I don't know how some people can. I'd just go insane.

sky dancer new version

all that was dark, dark again
and light, the beginnings of
that edge, you're there
night ending
sleep!
a red car, the grey walls of a parking lot
the car is warm outside a frost cuts you still
who am I?
I'm not really here

outside my skin becomes blank white
I'll be eaten alive by this
not myself
to get out of this! to live, continue to live here
what will wake you?
who's coming for you?
it's sunny there, sunny there
roar! claws
drops of blood become crooked lightning
something smoked, then ash
fire and her
her in the window
on a roof
what's yours, yours
Give it back!
they'll stop at nothing
how much would it be?



apparently this was 12/11/10

it's 4:30 AM
my head is being squeezed tight
fill me with smooch
her cheek is bleeding
her tits are raw
a house on her table
is none that I live in
walls are wooden and the past
always the past
smokes right through them
always clouds of grey
something, something, I don't think, don't think about it

this soul is yours and it's hideous


(adding this now)

banish! banish!
a cloud of smoke fires out
and consumes you to ashes
o green witch
I walked again and again on that grey street
white and dirty frozen white again

smokes smokes enough to hide you here

between these walls
saying something
saying something
if these are enough


if this candle is enough
if I survive this
if I'm in hell suddenly am out

suddenly I am out
this is your fault
don't pretend it isn't
vodka ate your words
I listened
you were smoking then ash
skin to put my lips on
hair to choke on
coat of sweat
all I admire
all I remember

no internet or cell for 10 hours

feel like I'm on the moon! I took what precious privacy I got today and yes I relish that! I wrote and wrote must have been 30 pages or more.....on my notebook. A great way to sort out my mangled brain. Got called a freak. But I got so much out and on that page that was in me and worked on my new performance dance piece. Needs a lot of work but coming along. I haven't travelled in ages....LA simply for work. South America, FLorida.

The waning moon is the time for getting rid of stuff. Clearing out junk. A tedious task but one that frees you up when you're all done.

Yoga

I went through absolute hell doing yoga. How do I express it?

not to be nice

that one
down down it came
they didn't ask for torture
vampiress of the stillness
that is this room
they took everything away from me they
took everything everything
on some gravel road
the buildings ashes
you're breathing dust smoke
who will weep for you? no one
that one that lives it is me

Stratford Upon Avon

I have to say I was never that interested in Shakespeare but I do have ancestors whose origins are in this town. WHat if.....

Now I'm really a buzz from the vino

I'd like to say I wrote this but Walt Whitman did: he passed the torch to the residents of Fort Greene

" Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls, new
artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you
interpenetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I
count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now. "

this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
on a side road
you in that pink room but what else was there?



you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another

something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
one day your feet will glow
though they be red

it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy
that light, that light you follow
bruised and dying though you are
if you lie down here
here you're surrounded by that mother's love fur and purr
though it's cold and cold it is
and I'm sorry
this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
cars somewhere are
speeding on a side road
somewhere Jayne lost her head



you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another

something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
she got what she wished for
but isn't that too boring?
woman was born to suffer
beauty is pain, pain beauty

it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy

if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them


cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her

toes not icy move them, they have feeling
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't

now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?


you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone

what are these eyes

what is this face

why are they glowing

yes it was hot hot in there

why are they glowing

let me travel to him him to me

promising safety

please fix the road for me

and it's getting dark

the pills were blue

the snow was white

presents were green

others red

then his text

a light! another then another

it can be so cold

so cold at night

sometime, sometime

legs scraped raw again

somehow I got back

thinking I was free

I was deceived

but for that moment the night was blanketed in white

red, blue and green lights gently hung around the old red brick buildings

so cold, but a sign of warmth

that you're home

no longer in a desert

the day to celebrate Christ

is this coming day, now it's night

and it's very silent only your feet make noise

in the snow marking it

presents sit in the living room

in a church your family stands next to you

lights go out and candle flames move like water

and it's quiet

she calls you a bitch

that morning the tsunami hits

you don't feel it here, or do you?

so thankful for the quiet this night

no one around

my cat comes in from outside

the snow makes a white mountain

this is the god of winter

an ice pick dosed in spearmint

your fingertips are a spark of deadly freeze

where no light comes

as the mercury ball drops

I'm not OK

I'm a grotesque monster of a wreck

I've been that

that thing think it's a piece of cheap pulp

but that thing is real

it's in me?

your emails have been read

somewhere someone is dancing
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich

somewhere there's a white paste is stirred in a barrel

but here you're in a makeshift mall
step into a bathroom
white and holy r

the bag is pink

the white is snow

it has a peachy smell

it's a pink band aid

there's a devil doll outside

in a Santaria shop
he bobs gently and grins

you were warned
you were curious you know

somewhere people are marching in green, green leaves so sharp they cut

insects big as your hand

which one was stolen

three syllables

three bells

this one, the blue forms clouds, blueberries?

a blue boy on the wall

my nose hurts

aching, aching my body

and one came in from the cold

the air sucked out of the room

like in the barrel of a shotgun

or a piercing

a ring, one for every kind of day

8 am, 7 am which hour was it
plastic is cheap barely containing
somewhere in your bag it spilled
overspilled
you saw it, it was a skull, one too many
what was the meaning?
a car, too many
crossing the street
there were too many, too few to understand

it was winter this time
a white beard,
other earrings, those ones gold
the others diamond
the street is cold so cold
that has no mercy it scrapes your face
you light a fire
cold the streets are
yellow and bright the gold is
the sun! oh the sun!
how love passion lust power oh that!
do you know do you really know
you think you do
I don't think you do
you didn't see them like I saw them
you didnt live them as I lived them

if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them


cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her

toes not icy move them, they have feeling
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't

now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?


you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone

what are these eyes

what is this face

why are they glowing

yes it was hot hot in there

why are they glowing

let me travel to him him to me

promising safety

please fix the road for me

and it's getting dark

the pills were blue

the snow was white

presents were green

others red

then his text

a light! another then another

it can be so cold

so cold at night

sometime, sometime

legs scraped raw again

somehow I got back

thinking I was free

I was deceived

but for that moment the night was blanketed in white

red, blue and green lights gently hung around the old red brick buildings

so cold, but a sign of warmth

that you're home

no longer in a desert

the day to celebrate Christ

is this coming day, now it's night

and it's very silent only your feet make noise

in the snow marking it

presents sit in the living room

in a church your family stands next to you

lights go out and candle flames move like water

and it's quiet

she calls you a bitch

that morning the tsunami hits

you don't feel it here, or do you?

so thankful for the quiet this night

no one around

my cat comes in from outside

the snow makes a white mountain

this is the god of winter

an ice pick dosed in spearmint

your fingertips are a spark of deadly freeze

where no light comes

as the mercury ball drops

I'm not OK

I'm a grotesque monster of a wreck

I've been that

that thing think it's a piece of cheap pulp

but that thing is real

it's in me?

your emails have been read

somewhere someone is dancing
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich

somewhere there's a white paste is stirred in a barrel

but here you're in a makeshift mall
step into a bathroom
white and holy r

the bag is pink

the white is snow

it has a peachy smell

it's a pink band aid

there's a devil doll outside

in a Santaria shop
he bobs gently and grins

you were warned
you were curious you know

somewhere people are marching in green, green leaves so sharp they cut

insects big as your hand

which one was stolen

three syllables

three bells

this one, the blue forms clouds, blueberries?

a blue boy on the wall

my nose hurts

aching, aching my body

and one came in from the cold

the air sucked out of the room

like in the barrel of a shotgun

or a piercing

a ring, one for every kind of day

8 am, 7 am which hour was it
plastic is cheap barely containing
somewhere in your bag it spilled
overspilled
you saw it, it was a skull, one too many
what was the meaning?
a car, too many
crossing the street
there were too many, too few to understand

it was winter this time
a white beard, should have worn the others
other earrings, those ones gold
the others diamond
love and hate adrenaline when it wants
always unannounced

Sky dancer revised

this one it was real
this one it was real
so many others!
a gold scarf around my neck
house I can put my hand in
waiting for a response
for a response
cars somewhere are
speeding on a side road
you're in this pink room and
something went wrong



you, me and her
did it slip right by me?
this one's Jasmine
this one is pink
I hold one rose up, then another

something shook me
17 in the bathroom
black tiles surround me
mermaid maiden?
and who wants to be
she got what she wished for
but isn't that too boring?
woman was born to suffer
beauty is pain, pain beauty

it's one two three fibonnacci
all of you is raw and heavy

if there's one there are a million of them
face was so tender so was he
it was up to you to protect them


cat scratched me the snow stabbed me
in a tree, the snow piercing the part of your legs that were bare
in a playground covered in snow ice
nothing can live here, yet it does
you are here, you and her

toes not icy move them, they have feeling
you and your step sister her in plaid
we will freeze, but we don't

now you and the one who looks like him
are in some kind of garage
what are you doing?


you're eighteen your hair is red
the night is black
the doors are silent
you were waiting for someone

what are these eyes

what is this face

why are they glowing

yes it was hot hot in there

why are they glowing

let me travel to him him to me

promising safety

please fix the road for me

and it's getting dark

the pills were blue

the snow was white

presents were green

others red

then his text

a light! another then another

it can be so cold

so cold at night

sometime, sometime

legs scraped raw again

somehow I got back

thinking I was free

I was deceived

but for that moment the night was blanketed in white

red, blue and green lights gently hung around the old red brick buildings

so cold, but a sign of warmth

that you're home

no longer in a desert

the day to celebrate Christ

is this coming day, now it's night

and it's very silent only your feet make noise

in the snow marking it

presents sit in the living room

in a church your family stands next to you

lights go out and candle flames move like water

and it's quiet

she calls you a bitch

that morning the tsunami hits

you don't feel it here, or do you?

so thankful for the quiet this night

no one around

my cat comes in from outside

the snow makes a white mountain

this is the god of winter

an ice pick dosed in spearmint

your fingertips are a spark of deadly freeze

where no light comes

as the mercury ball drops

I'm not OK

I'm a grotesque monster of a wreck

I've been that

that thing think it's a piece of cheap pulp

but that thing is real

it's in me?

your emails have been read

somewhere someone is dancing
somewhere, the FARCs are getting rich

somewhere there's a white paste is stirred in a barrel

but here you're in a makeshift mall
step into a bathroom
white and holy r

the bag is pink

the white is snow

it has a peachy smell

it's a pink band aid

there's a devil doll outside

in a Santaria shop
he bobs gently and grins

you were warned
you were curious you know

somewhere people are marching in green, green leaves so sharp they cut

insects big as your hand

which one was stolen

three syllables

three bells

this one, the blue forms clouds, blueberries?

a blue boy on the wall

my nose hurts

aching, aching my body

and one came in from the cold

the air sucked out of the room

like in the barrel of a shotgun

or a piercing

a ring, one for every kind of day

8 am, 7 am which hour was it
plastic is cheap barely containing
somewhere in your bag it spilled
overspilled
you saw it, it was a skull, one too many
what was the meaning?
a car, too many
crossing the street
there were too many, too few to understand

it was winter this time
a white beard, should have worn the others
other earrings, those ones gold
the others diamond
love and hate adrenaline when it wants
always unannounced

barking dog

Tundra was out of control for the past 24 hours causing a great deal of strife, finger pointing, I admit hate and bringing the worst out of everyone. On the up side, this was only at the beginning of the day. I am obsessed with omens some are bullshit some have some merit. I'm reading that a dog's behavior is foreshadowing. I dropped a spoon....a child will visit, or else I'm fertile now. Lights camera and no daddy! Or Eros is here.

I went into Sephora as a treat to myself today after a doctor's appointment.....spent hours putting on eyeshadow. I looked great, finally. Beauty is pain and labor. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Today

was a combination of horrific and helpful. On the up side, some problems were worked out. The down, things were terribly chaotic and just fucked up in general to start. I survived, thanks to the grace of the air. Barely.

Thanks to the good doctors, the deli man on Myrtle, Virgin Mobile for restoring my service. To sanity.

Also Aphrodite, St. Alex, Dad, Grandma....those who are gone but not forgotten. Private thing but the kudos is there.

fog and weird rain

but very pretty. Like the film sleepy hollow. I went to Pennie's Open Mic got interviewed kewl and then did a "story" for the first time. I have been training more for dance.

Since poetry is a stick I'll try to make this a poem, what I stated

it's the early dawn
tree branch surrounded by fog
I'm pretty and today was wretched
haven't forgotten
heavy woman on her knees in a blizzard
more mountains of dirty white under train tracks
standing, sitting, avoiding stares it's the subway at 3am
they sang "G Train Blues"
more like "The G train will make a wreck of me and my life"
quiet but for that howling wind
I whisper
it's quiet
that's the only thing that matters