as far

as "new age" goes....everything has good and bad in it. but...I worked in a health food store. Yes there were many good things they sold. But.....am I the only one here....I'm not....shooting water into your ass is not going to make someone spiritually enlightened or healthy. I mean, I don't do it and look at me I'm wonderful. .......more to come.......

coming to me that means beware of jealousy
this empty space in me
black sooty mess in my heart is disintegrating
because jealous bitches I mean men also are having their hell day


this terrible place and these terrible people
rage....shakes me up twists my heart
twists it mercilessly
pain dizziness white snotty stringy
insanity I am a 300 pound man
rage shoots at him like a bullet
he who deserves it, he knows who he is
I could move this whole train station

sooty yellow Dad's gun was gold
this person isn't worth it
one day, it'll happen one day
only for one day, that day, he's gonna get it
he's gonna get it good

summer song, that was her name?
my blood drips onto this rose
i was scraped by the thorn
it was a sweet pain
if I could feel it again with
the rain with the rain he's coming to me again
with the petals pink petals falling over me
soft and plush lighter than feathers
a man is returning
I'm here an apple a flower
a pink ribbon the rays are yellow
the petals are pink he's coming to me
Venus is green petals are pink
flowers, the real ones
I'll take love specks of lust
all the lust is red dust
raining down on us

New Poem

Feeling in kind of a funk. Come cheer me up. Maybe cause I've had to deal with some very bad people and I'm tired from dancing and walking my friend's dog and today this kid in the park fell and was screaming horribly......so loud the whole park shook. It's awful to be a witness to that kind of suffering.....I wanted to scream myself. Im feeling a little better. On the up side, I am in a cute room with a cute bedspread and I've written twenty or so notebooks worth of stuff in the time span of just a few months.

And after three goes of this.....argh!!!!!!!!! Fucking computer kept crashing. This is a few hours later and half a Chicago India Pale Ale.

Garrett's place is shaped....the building I mean, slightly like the Overlook Hotel. It has the same A frame shingle windows. Whatever this means, maybe nothing, maybe something. I know what I have to write as far as a NYC story goes, is on the level of Scarface or Taxi Driver. Except from a woman's point of view and retaining the humor. And it shall make me a star.....really the money is what I need the most now. If it weren't, it'd be easier, I could get a job with the census bureau like my mother suggested.

I have been studying Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath I adore them both. Scorpio women writers are the ones I gravitate to. I think Sylvia Plath just missed being beautiful, but Anne Sexton was. She was blessed with the right facial characteristics. But Plath was a stronger writer. Just my opinion.


Anyhow.....

munch and munch, little munchkin
the road is yellow and
I have only orange
the road is yellow
I have only orange

you say that you said
you say that you said
gold is here and here is gold
munch away little munchkin



my love oh lovely

well

this will be part of something much larger. I am very scared......all the things that are out there on the net.....as someone who researches many spiritual matters it is very disturbing to see how much garbage is out there. Especially in the wiccan and pagan communities, some, not all, emphasize things like "karma" which are from the east, and according to discussions I've had with people raised in the Hindu tradition and India, where it comes from, it's been ridiculously distorted and abused in the west as really a method of control. In other words what is learned here has little to do with what it originally meant. Also, my friend told me the religious texts were written by a group of men. Point being, it has been popularized to keep people down, from having any real personal power which is of course threatening to those with money and power in the world. I once heard a speech by Sarah Palin, and so many conservatives, talking about how ....what was it? Rich people having more money and higher profits of business would benefit "all of you" meaning regular folk.....In countries like India and many African countries 1 percent of the population has all the money while most others are living in the streets, sleeping in cardboard boxes or on blankets laid out. There are rich people there, and they spend all right, and have many servants, I mean, yeah, they hire people to wait on them hand and foot and tend the gardens give them pedicures and wash windows.....list goes on and on......but how this benefits regular people, the ones begging for pennies on street corners, I have yet to see. It's sick, so sick I can't think of any words, how rich people have used religion to keep poor people down. Slave owners would tell slaves that this is where "God" wanted them to be and things would get better after they died. The idea of being rewarded in this mystical afterlife was motivation for enduring every form of misery on earth. Ironically, Jesus was on the side of the poor and downtrodden. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek and the needy, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Sadly....so many disturbed spirits roam the earth now.....millions of them.....more.....with no one to reach out to because their immediate family have been taught that the spirit world is mumbo jumbo baloney......thank "New Age" and all its silliness......finding out after it's too late they've been duped. It's scary to me, infinitely so, how many people I see their writings on the internet, people who abuse themselves. How long can it take before someone is just a lost cause, way out on the edge of the edge of nowhere......and there is no talking any sense at all to them? There is NO karma. That is total bullshit and stupidity!

aphrodite

cruel deception
dizzy red it shoots through me
and I don't exist, I'm upside down
rage.....a mountain of it
I'm a 300 pound man
to the target.....who deserves it

rage shot out of me like a bullet
if only I had Dad's pistol or
lucky I don't have it
this worthless creature isn't worth it

new stuff

well I do have tons of writing but it's all on notebooks. I had limited internet access and this computer is jerky in its connection so............but there is much to come. I just have to type it all out.


this is a dream I had....this is after coming back from a really freaky part of brooklyn: 9th st and 4th ave. The block is full of churches and then right next to it a Satanic bar. All on one block. All these houses look like your classic haunted house....like what you see in books.

Now, my stupid phone isn't working. On the up side, I made a small bit of money which I need.


So the dream is.....some people I know from the "art star" god such a corny phrase.....I'm sorry.....show up at my apartment or my friend's place.....and they are all dressed to go to the beach. Except it's very late at night. Somewhere interspersed with this I am driving a huge truck around a parking lot and don't know how to drive. I have this dream all the time. I run over a few things....and just miss going over the ledge. Somehow I get out and it's tilted to the side......

I am about to ask about a friend of mine and they tell me not to ask.....then they all leave.....I'm left alone in this place.....looks like it could be my dad's old place. The walls are white. I have that dream a lot too.....that Dad is alive and I'm with him in that apartment he had in Chicago....but we are in separate rooms. He is sitting in that chair he had. He's kind of alive and dead at the same time. He's trying to say something to me.....


So there's been good and bad. More on that later.

take the money and run funny bits

horrors

where is the real evil?
look around you
it's humans humans humans

where is the real horror the real sickness?
escape, how? escape, how? escape, how?

who are the real monsters? I live with one of them
oh so nice your stupid rainbows don't fool me


you think oh so you think oh so you think oh so you think
rage....flew past me, past me........
oh yes, pretty it's been for a time now

go ahead and delude yourself, because
if you think I love you
you are demented beyond a doubt my friend
oh so pink, oh so lovely
where's that day of what? reckoning?


oh yes, lovely it is
oh yes, lovely it is
oh yes lovely it is


you don't deserve it it was never yours
you are not its rightful owner
you never will be because you are a deluded bitch
oh yes you've sailed along
oh so peacefully
haven't you?
only the knives are under your pillows
you don't see them
nice, very nice
I still don't want to be you

yes been forever

well......I have been writing but had no internet access.....sucks I know.


I'll be honest here.

My mother asked why I'm "obsessed" with The Shining. I'm not obsessed. But there is something said in this film....and one viewing won't explain it all. For me, well....my uncle committed suicide. NOt an easy thing to write here but you know some things need to be written. His name was Danny. And it was in a house that just had a horribly negative vibe like this hotel.....in a remote part of the woods. It was in Battle Creek, Michigan. To anyone unfamiliar with Battle Creek.....when I was a kid my mother, sister and brother used to call it Battle Hick......I would say that and they told me to never say it, and wouldn't tell me why. I was on the treadmill once, and saw a show about how a little girl drowned in a bathtub in Battle Creek. Also, about 150 years ago, there was a train wreck in Battle Creek, where over 100 people died. One of them was probably a distant relative of ours. Gunshots? My uncle was schizophrenic also.


There's also the presence of many double Ls in the names.....you could say it's like a foreshadowing to.....well need I say it? Think about it. Also, this interview Kubrick talked about the Icarus myth....getting too close to the sun. Speaking of which, I'm a Leo. In the maze...well, what I see are four Ss. SSSS. What is that? In Chinese myth, four is death. Susan Sonny Sam Saiter. This is terrible, I know. I know. Well, it is what it is. To be honest.....having been inside the World Trade Center.....the interior of this hotel looks much like it.

OK, gruesome topic over. It's a waning moon in Aries, and I'm dog sitting for a friend, and finally have internet access.

"Some things happened here, and not all of them were good." I'm sitting across from Fort Greene Park, where 11,500 people are buried, killed by the British soldiers.

He makes many references to bathing, which is like cleansing....something done before Christianity came along. Cleansing negativity. I think that's what I need. That and some pot. Or wine. To get this off of me.



Also, one of my favorite people, Lydia, is back in town. Newyorkdancer.com will give you an idea of her. Hearts. Not the time for them. Timing is everything. Good thing my dear didn't return today.....

And as for my writing I am doing that as well. Will post my new poems shortly....

so much

I've been mia due to fucked up internet access and getting back in shape as a danseuse.....working on new material. I do have a new phone but am figuring it out still. got some new pix......be back soon. Went running today and it's 99 degrees out!

former copy editor

As was Henry Miller. A friend gave me some books he wrote. Must have been a gift from.....these things just find you. Like Love in the Time of Cholera.....a guy on the street was selling it. And the Book of Ceremonial Magic. But I won't get into that.


the scene in the Shining with all work and no play......


I found a still on that....an article on the film. There are errors in the writing. Was this deliberate or overlooked oh pun...anyway.


All work and no play makes Jack a dull bog

was one of them.

great grandpa

big nose bulging ears
messy hair spaced out
1925 yes "archaic" but it's not
strangers it's people I know
back in the day
"see if you find him"
I pick him out confirmed
some of the girls very beautiful
high school graduation
he was once 18
they're chatting.....this was once real.......
this once happened
Henry Miller wrote long letters to Anais Nin
the book is in the library
I came here at 13 to find dance books
and masturbation in the Catholic Encyclopedia
the little red man with the devil horns
was going to come out of the closet and get me
the Jesus book a gift from my grandmother
that I stayed up reading said turn the other cheek
how to deal with schoolyard bullies? good advice?
I didn't completely love my enemies

then later I read smash your enemy....he?
the sun is shining and I am alive
I burn burn with light don't you
wish you were alive like me?
you saved me
I will go on living
green green the leaves are green
they grow in trees
and I go on living living the sun is shining
and I go on living
because I have powers you know
now I have them
incredibly blessed and incredibly cursed
I've been incredibly blessed and incredibly cursed
the queen is dead long live the queen
if people really knew
ring the bell once twice
is he a sleaze or a genius or both
ringing the bell once twice the
sun is shining [sin I typoed slip? ]
and I am alive
the grass is green and so are the bushes
I am underground but not for long
the dark goddess emerges still wet after all this time!
the sun is shining and I am still alive
are you afraid of me?

skewer the bitch
she lost her head
off with it off
the queen is dead

long live the queen
and the sun is shining

dream

That ......I went fishing? I never fish. In the Hudson River. By the gates I think in Dumbo, or maybe in Mom's neighborhood. I get into the water to retrieve something. I have the keys to my apartment in my hand, forgetting I have them. The water feels very clean and cool, and I'm thinking this as I get submerged......the waves are coming over me and I start swimming. I wrote this on a paper print out I had on the Tarot card the Page of Cups. I was sorting out papers and this was one I was going to put in recycling. There's a symbol on the lower right corner of this card, on what appears to be sand. It looks like a sigil of some kind....Andromalius? Something hidden? Water is behind this person who could be male or female. She is holding a cup with a fish.

Digression.......but the flowing water is behind her. It looks like deep water, not the shore of a beach. There is no gate protecting her from the water behind her.


So I'm submerged in this water but it starts to get windy. I realize I could be pulled out, but I manage to hold on to the earth/ground, pull myself out. Water gets turbulent. As I get out, go back behind the gate, it gets very windy. There are huge rocks suddenly, and the wind and water is so strong it pulls the rocks into it. I think it's lucky I got out, but I realize I think I threw my keys in the water. I can't get in my place. I consider calling J to ask if I can stay with him, I lost my keys. But then I realize I still have them.

yes I am being harsh with them because they were harsh with me.

I can't help it the world is what it is and I'm not going to pretend it's other wise, you know?

Random things I keep seeing little blond kids, like in my mother's neighborhood, with black nannies. I'm not kidding. All the time. It's incredibly disturbing to me. When you go to the playgrounds in NYC, the kids are not with their parents. They're with nannies and babysitters. To me this is really kind of sick. I come from a very middle class, middle American background and it is absurd that kids are not raised by parents. I believe in feminism of course. But was this the intended direction? It was working women often who opposed day care centers. Because kids should be with their parents......they said until they had kids, and left them with nannies. I'm not making this up either. My ex boss, a woman who has two kids, who put her daughter in day care when she got divorced and had to go back to work full time, let one woman go after she had a baby and asked if she could bring her new born to the office. And America has no maternity leave either. And it's often women opposing this, working women. This was my experience in corporate America. Is motherhood a low status job? If I have kids I want to be with them. I've heard of some children who literally think their babysitters are their mothers. I sarcastically joked to myself that the "yuppie" mothers don't want to compete with sexy teenage girl babysitters that's why they hire generally fat and frumpy women to look after their children.....then on the news I saw an article about a 13 year old girl held for manslaughter after a baby died. I babysat at 13 and the kids are fine......and grown up. Youth is not long.

crazy times

spiritually I've been going through a lot, and working a lot.....trying to sort out stuff. I am someone who needs that atmosphere......that and creative. Last night I lost it. Maybe I'm bipolar? Or something. I'm not on medication since st vincent's closed. to get adderall is a huge pain in the ass.....I have to contact this doctor then I get a hard time about whether he is the main one on my plan and the insurance not wanting to pay......my friend said they do that on purpose. The person I live with is really difficult to get along with. You know....I don't want to be hateful. I believe in forgiveness......if only releasing your own negativity. Some people don't deserve it......but to have hate is not helpful. However, there are elements of the world that are just bad. And then you have to go to extremes, you know? What do you do when you try you try to be nice and good and kind and selfless......someone who is loving, trusting, friendly....and the other person just spits it right back at you. A kind of "fuck you." Because I have been through that. Putting yourself out there only to get spit at. And what do you do? I came up with this whole rant against one person who shall remain unnamed. No I will name her. Sin was her name. All these recurring words......I worked for SIN the paper. Anyway. You know.....to her I say wear you fucking hair shirt and think I dropped a big goofer on you on purpose. Get out into the world and see real suffering, you know? Someone told me Chile is a narrow country.....narrow minded? Her parents fly her to spain and chile which is very very expensive. She has three apartments and just inherited a bunch of money. She accused me of "robbing" her and desecrating her apartment. What was there to desecrate? A concrete brick on the floor, a straw basket full of magazines, papers and a ruler? Get the fuck over it! For the record.....I NEVER set out to rob anyone. The money order had an error and the bank first accepted it then rejected it. I was supposed to get refunded but because I was practically forced out of there I never got the check so $200 is lost......neither of us is getting it. And I am offended that I would be accused of something like this. This person Sin is not someone who will ever have to struggle for anything, you know? In the grand scheme of things....tell me why I should care about her? I want to be a caring person......it's hard. But there are those who really do need my compassion and I guess I have to make priorities....and she is not among them. Makes sense, huh? Like I said, I have TRIED to help people in the past and be nice and good and friendly and they have responded with hostility and abuse, and insults. Being a victim and taking shit from people does NOT make anyone better. No matter what religion says, East or West. More on that another time. Lost souls....damn straight! Self love makes you a better person. So......


Today I took out my phone and the number....you know sometimes the keypad is hit accidentally or something......said......(666)666-6666 then 599......without the five it'd be all 6s. ?????who knows.

trying really hard

not to be negative or judgemental. it's hard because I am coming from the redstockings prowoman radical feminist environment that says women are great and they only pretend to be stupid because they have to conform to men's or society's standards of bimboness or something. maybe some women are putting on a good "stupid" act. I know I'm not supposed to condemn a woman for at least acting incredibly stupid. And annoying. Like this woman I'm being forced to listen to now. People who's every other word is "like." Maybe Los Angeles, or Jersey/LI. I swear the latter is a tomb. This culture can be a serious test of the most die hard woman loving radical feminist. I don't hate these women. But it is unbearably irritating to listen to them......the high pitched voices and laughs and every other word being "like." The "Mercury Bar" is that what it is? SOmeone said that Jessica Simpson once asked if buffalos have wings. Now, maybe she is putting on an act because the world "rewards" "dumb" women, or something like that, or because she was brought up to think men don't like smart girls. I don't know. Maybe she really is a profound and interesting person underneath, a victim? Maybe they have been so damaged by sexism that it's twisted their minds or something. Someone told me about a woman who is living in denial about her boyfriend who cheats on her and watches animal porn, among other things. OK I'm not judgemental. I watched that Reagan Youth video and started crying....never thought I'd miss the old days of dirty needle infested thompkins sq park but I do.....at least these people........were not delusional. There was a passionate commitment to change in the world, even if flawed. I mean, I'm supposed to not want change and support traditional values when women say, "Sorry I don't eat buffalo" when offered wings? I didn't realize this was a good thing. Or being forced to marry at age thirteen, like my ex's grandmother. This is how things were in the old traditional days. Or women were raised to think if their man is beating them it's because he loves them. Thing is, women do this to other women. I read a story once of how this girl's mother bound her feet, in China. I read books like "Feminist Revolution" which pretty much say that women shouldn't be judged and it's men doing this to women. True ultimately I guess. Somebody please tell me why I should accept this. Because we're not born equal? I can't stand it, I can't stand another minute of it. I will never never accept it no matter what.

Reagan Youth - "Gonowhere" - Tompkins Square Park 1988

Crossroads?

Wenn im Herzen brennt das Feuer freut sich das schwarze Ungeheuer


wow I love this expression......

when the fire burns in the heart the black monster celebrates


something to that effect


Der Teufel



It's a little hard for me to write now since I'm sitting in a makeshift "chair" that is comprised of a pile of laundry, at my friend's computer.


But I'm reading about the legend of the "Crossroads"


Kind of interesting that was the name of a Britney Spears film, was that her only one? Another interesting figure. Her name is an anagram of "Presbytarians." Seriously. Try it on Anagram Server.

The "legend" which has roots in African and European traditions, is you meet a figure at a crossroads or kind of no mans land who will teach you what you want to learn. That evolved into the legend of blues musicians selling their souls to the devil, or Satan. In fact......that's not what happened. Der Teufel or Legba, something like that......is a teacher, not "evil." Could be many things......and takes the form of a black man or cat or something like that. I say this because I was walking on my old street, Skillman St, the other day, and just sitting in the street was this black cat. I went over to get him out of the way of cars. This cat was very sweet, an unfixed tom. Some people had left food out for him, as there is a family of feral cats there. Something......? Form of something? A friend, new friend anyway.