take the money and run funny bits

horrors

where is the real evil?
look around you
it's humans humans humans

where is the real horror the real sickness?
escape, how? escape, how? escape, how?

who are the real monsters? I live with one of them
oh so nice your stupid rainbows don't fool me


you think oh so you think oh so you think oh so you think
rage....flew past me, past me........
oh yes, pretty it's been for a time now

go ahead and delude yourself, because
if you think I love you
you are demented beyond a doubt my friend
oh so pink, oh so lovely
where's that day of what? reckoning?


oh yes, lovely it is
oh yes, lovely it is
oh yes lovely it is


you don't deserve it it was never yours
you are not its rightful owner
you never will be because you are a deluded bitch
oh yes you've sailed along
oh so peacefully
haven't you?
only the knives are under your pillows
you don't see them
nice, very nice
I still don't want to be you

yes been forever

well......I have been writing but had no internet access.....sucks I know.


I'll be honest here.

My mother asked why I'm "obsessed" with The Shining. I'm not obsessed. But there is something said in this film....and one viewing won't explain it all. For me, well....my uncle committed suicide. NOt an easy thing to write here but you know some things need to be written. His name was Danny. And it was in a house that just had a horribly negative vibe like this hotel.....in a remote part of the woods. It was in Battle Creek, Michigan. To anyone unfamiliar with Battle Creek.....when I was a kid my mother, sister and brother used to call it Battle Hick......I would say that and they told me to never say it, and wouldn't tell me why. I was on the treadmill once, and saw a show about how a little girl drowned in a bathtub in Battle Creek. Also, about 150 years ago, there was a train wreck in Battle Creek, where over 100 people died. One of them was probably a distant relative of ours. Gunshots? My uncle was schizophrenic also.


There's also the presence of many double Ls in the names.....you could say it's like a foreshadowing to.....well need I say it? Think about it. Also, this interview Kubrick talked about the Icarus myth....getting too close to the sun. Speaking of which, I'm a Leo. In the maze...well, what I see are four Ss. SSSS. What is that? In Chinese myth, four is death. Susan Sonny Sam Saiter. This is terrible, I know. I know. Well, it is what it is. To be honest.....having been inside the World Trade Center.....the interior of this hotel looks much like it.

OK, gruesome topic over. It's a waning moon in Aries, and I'm dog sitting for a friend, and finally have internet access.

"Some things happened here, and not all of them were good." I'm sitting across from Fort Greene Park, where 11,500 people are buried, killed by the British soldiers.

He makes many references to bathing, which is like cleansing....something done before Christianity came along. Cleansing negativity. I think that's what I need. That and some pot. Or wine. To get this off of me.



Also, one of my favorite people, Lydia, is back in town. Newyorkdancer.com will give you an idea of her. Hearts. Not the time for them. Timing is everything. Good thing my dear didn't return today.....

And as for my writing I am doing that as well. Will post my new poems shortly....

so much

I've been mia due to fucked up internet access and getting back in shape as a danseuse.....working on new material. I do have a new phone but am figuring it out still. got some new pix......be back soon. Went running today and it's 99 degrees out!

former copy editor

As was Henry Miller. A friend gave me some books he wrote. Must have been a gift from.....these things just find you. Like Love in the Time of Cholera.....a guy on the street was selling it. And the Book of Ceremonial Magic. But I won't get into that.


the scene in the Shining with all work and no play......


I found a still on that....an article on the film. There are errors in the writing. Was this deliberate or overlooked oh pun...anyway.


All work and no play makes Jack a dull bog

was one of them.

great grandpa

big nose bulging ears
messy hair spaced out
1925 yes "archaic" but it's not
strangers it's people I know
back in the day
"see if you find him"
I pick him out confirmed
some of the girls very beautiful
high school graduation
he was once 18
they're chatting.....this was once real.......
this once happened
Henry Miller wrote long letters to Anais Nin
the book is in the library
I came here at 13 to find dance books
and masturbation in the Catholic Encyclopedia
the little red man with the devil horns
was going to come out of the closet and get me
the Jesus book a gift from my grandmother
that I stayed up reading said turn the other cheek
how to deal with schoolyard bullies? good advice?
I didn't completely love my enemies

then later I read smash your enemy....he?
the sun is shining and I am alive
I burn burn with light don't you
wish you were alive like me?
you saved me
I will go on living
green green the leaves are green
they grow in trees
and I go on living living the sun is shining
and I go on living
because I have powers you know
now I have them
incredibly blessed and incredibly cursed
I've been incredibly blessed and incredibly cursed
the queen is dead long live the queen
if people really knew
ring the bell once twice
is he a sleaze or a genius or both
ringing the bell once twice the
sun is shining [sin I typoed slip? ]
and I am alive
the grass is green and so are the bushes
I am underground but not for long
the dark goddess emerges still wet after all this time!
the sun is shining and I am still alive
are you afraid of me?

skewer the bitch
she lost her head
off with it off
the queen is dead

long live the queen
and the sun is shining

dream

That ......I went fishing? I never fish. In the Hudson River. By the gates I think in Dumbo, or maybe in Mom's neighborhood. I get into the water to retrieve something. I have the keys to my apartment in my hand, forgetting I have them. The water feels very clean and cool, and I'm thinking this as I get submerged......the waves are coming over me and I start swimming. I wrote this on a paper print out I had on the Tarot card the Page of Cups. I was sorting out papers and this was one I was going to put in recycling. There's a symbol on the lower right corner of this card, on what appears to be sand. It looks like a sigil of some kind....Andromalius? Something hidden? Water is behind this person who could be male or female. She is holding a cup with a fish.

Digression.......but the flowing water is behind her. It looks like deep water, not the shore of a beach. There is no gate protecting her from the water behind her.


So I'm submerged in this water but it starts to get windy. I realize I could be pulled out, but I manage to hold on to the earth/ground, pull myself out. Water gets turbulent. As I get out, go back behind the gate, it gets very windy. There are huge rocks suddenly, and the wind and water is so strong it pulls the rocks into it. I think it's lucky I got out, but I realize I think I threw my keys in the water. I can't get in my place. I consider calling J to ask if I can stay with him, I lost my keys. But then I realize I still have them.

yes I am being harsh with them because they were harsh with me.

I can't help it the world is what it is and I'm not going to pretend it's other wise, you know?

Random things I keep seeing little blond kids, like in my mother's neighborhood, with black nannies. I'm not kidding. All the time. It's incredibly disturbing to me. When you go to the playgrounds in NYC, the kids are not with their parents. They're with nannies and babysitters. To me this is really kind of sick. I come from a very middle class, middle American background and it is absurd that kids are not raised by parents. I believe in feminism of course. But was this the intended direction? It was working women often who opposed day care centers. Because kids should be with their parents......they said until they had kids, and left them with nannies. I'm not making this up either. My ex boss, a woman who has two kids, who put her daughter in day care when she got divorced and had to go back to work full time, let one woman go after she had a baby and asked if she could bring her new born to the office. And America has no maternity leave either. And it's often women opposing this, working women. This was my experience in corporate America. Is motherhood a low status job? If I have kids I want to be with them. I've heard of some children who literally think their babysitters are their mothers. I sarcastically joked to myself that the "yuppie" mothers don't want to compete with sexy teenage girl babysitters that's why they hire generally fat and frumpy women to look after their children.....then on the news I saw an article about a 13 year old girl held for manslaughter after a baby died. I babysat at 13 and the kids are fine......and grown up. Youth is not long.

crazy times

spiritually I've been going through a lot, and working a lot.....trying to sort out stuff. I am someone who needs that atmosphere......that and creative. Last night I lost it. Maybe I'm bipolar? Or something. I'm not on medication since st vincent's closed. to get adderall is a huge pain in the ass.....I have to contact this doctor then I get a hard time about whether he is the main one on my plan and the insurance not wanting to pay......my friend said they do that on purpose. The person I live with is really difficult to get along with. You know....I don't want to be hateful. I believe in forgiveness......if only releasing your own negativity. Some people don't deserve it......but to have hate is not helpful. However, there are elements of the world that are just bad. And then you have to go to extremes, you know? What do you do when you try you try to be nice and good and kind and selfless......someone who is loving, trusting, friendly....and the other person just spits it right back at you. A kind of "fuck you." Because I have been through that. Putting yourself out there only to get spit at. And what do you do? I came up with this whole rant against one person who shall remain unnamed. No I will name her. Sin was her name. All these recurring words......I worked for SIN the paper. Anyway. You know.....to her I say wear you fucking hair shirt and think I dropped a big goofer on you on purpose. Get out into the world and see real suffering, you know? Someone told me Chile is a narrow country.....narrow minded? Her parents fly her to spain and chile which is very very expensive. She has three apartments and just inherited a bunch of money. She accused me of "robbing" her and desecrating her apartment. What was there to desecrate? A concrete brick on the floor, a straw basket full of magazines, papers and a ruler? Get the fuck over it! For the record.....I NEVER set out to rob anyone. The money order had an error and the bank first accepted it then rejected it. I was supposed to get refunded but because I was practically forced out of there I never got the check so $200 is lost......neither of us is getting it. And I am offended that I would be accused of something like this. This person Sin is not someone who will ever have to struggle for anything, you know? In the grand scheme of things....tell me why I should care about her? I want to be a caring person......it's hard. But there are those who really do need my compassion and I guess I have to make priorities....and she is not among them. Makes sense, huh? Like I said, I have TRIED to help people in the past and be nice and good and friendly and they have responded with hostility and abuse, and insults. Being a victim and taking shit from people does NOT make anyone better. No matter what religion says, East or West. More on that another time. Lost souls....damn straight! Self love makes you a better person. So......


Today I took out my phone and the number....you know sometimes the keypad is hit accidentally or something......said......(666)666-6666 then 599......without the five it'd be all 6s. ?????who knows.

trying really hard

not to be negative or judgemental. it's hard because I am coming from the redstockings prowoman radical feminist environment that says women are great and they only pretend to be stupid because they have to conform to men's or society's standards of bimboness or something. maybe some women are putting on a good "stupid" act. I know I'm not supposed to condemn a woman for at least acting incredibly stupid. And annoying. Like this woman I'm being forced to listen to now. People who's every other word is "like." Maybe Los Angeles, or Jersey/LI. I swear the latter is a tomb. This culture can be a serious test of the most die hard woman loving radical feminist. I don't hate these women. But it is unbearably irritating to listen to them......the high pitched voices and laughs and every other word being "like." The "Mercury Bar" is that what it is? SOmeone said that Jessica Simpson once asked if buffalos have wings. Now, maybe she is putting on an act because the world "rewards" "dumb" women, or something like that, or because she was brought up to think men don't like smart girls. I don't know. Maybe she really is a profound and interesting person underneath, a victim? Maybe they have been so damaged by sexism that it's twisted their minds or something. Someone told me about a woman who is living in denial about her boyfriend who cheats on her and watches animal porn, among other things. OK I'm not judgemental. I watched that Reagan Youth video and started crying....never thought I'd miss the old days of dirty needle infested thompkins sq park but I do.....at least these people........were not delusional. There was a passionate commitment to change in the world, even if flawed. I mean, I'm supposed to not want change and support traditional values when women say, "Sorry I don't eat buffalo" when offered wings? I didn't realize this was a good thing. Or being forced to marry at age thirteen, like my ex's grandmother. This is how things were in the old traditional days. Or women were raised to think if their man is beating them it's because he loves them. Thing is, women do this to other women. I read a story once of how this girl's mother bound her feet, in China. I read books like "Feminist Revolution" which pretty much say that women shouldn't be judged and it's men doing this to women. True ultimately I guess. Somebody please tell me why I should accept this. Because we're not born equal? I can't stand it, I can't stand another minute of it. I will never never accept it no matter what.

Reagan Youth - "Gonowhere" - Tompkins Square Park 1988

Crossroads?

Wenn im Herzen brennt das Feuer freut sich das schwarze Ungeheuer


wow I love this expression......

when the fire burns in the heart the black monster celebrates


something to that effect


Der Teufel



It's a little hard for me to write now since I'm sitting in a makeshift "chair" that is comprised of a pile of laundry, at my friend's computer.


But I'm reading about the legend of the "Crossroads"


Kind of interesting that was the name of a Britney Spears film, was that her only one? Another interesting figure. Her name is an anagram of "Presbytarians." Seriously. Try it on Anagram Server.

The "legend" which has roots in African and European traditions, is you meet a figure at a crossroads or kind of no mans land who will teach you what you want to learn. That evolved into the legend of blues musicians selling their souls to the devil, or Satan. In fact......that's not what happened. Der Teufel or Legba, something like that......is a teacher, not "evil." Could be many things......and takes the form of a black man or cat or something like that. I say this because I was walking on my old street, Skillman St, the other day, and just sitting in the street was this black cat. I went over to get him out of the way of cars. This cat was very sweet, an unfixed tom. Some people had left food out for him, as there is a family of feral cats there. Something......? Form of something? A friend, new friend anyway.

Sasha Invol2ver Launch Party@MOS, London

Love me or Die

I put this on my other site but like it so much I'm adding it here.







I recommend listening to Sasha and Digweed: Age of Love or Dj Sasha Coma while reading this.






I am going to kill myself if you don't love me so fuck off the comb dropped ---- won't love me anymore he'll ...... ........ more ................not a sssssssssssss so KILL ME already KILL me I dropped my comb so KILL me KILL me KILL me please H please H please H please H he will love me or I will kill myself or him or her or all 3 of us ha! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! holy trinity? ??????????????????????? hehe he will love me or I will commit suicide







love me or I will kill myself if I don't get him I will commit suicide commit suicide I will fucking commit suicide I will commit suicide I will commit suicide dropped my Venus comb comb turns into a tomb you will love me or I will die the day of day of day of day of day of day of tell yourself that keep telling yourself that flowers flowers please don't make me hang myself HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH don't make me do it HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH don't make me hang myself he will love me or I will die he will love me or I will die he will love me or I will die jump over the broom clean my room clean my room again again he will love me or I will die he will love me or I will die roses have thorns and have pricked me pricked me I will cut myself open with it bleed in a Paris tub a bath of rose petals a bath he he he he he will love me or I will die I am in white oh lovely white oh don't make me commit suicide I dropped my comb jumped over a broom she did it on that day then I was stung she did it on that day then I dropped a comb he will love me or I will die don't make me do it oh cleaned my room jumped over the broom the bride and the groom so white so moonly white so white don't be afraid nothing, nothing, nothing will jump out he will love me or I will die oh moon, moon a la pink and oh it was white, when it was it was white, so white, so white..............


and it flew so gently in that wind I jumped over the broom but you know it got red oh too red you shouldn't have made it that way you shouldn't have..........


her dress was pink so sad she had to lose her head dress was pink so sad he drove too carelessly oh that white when it was it was white snow white.......


and her dress was pink but the skull was white the dress was pink her hair was white.......

oh luna! what are they afraid of? why do you twist us this way.....why do you?

oh when it was, white light shiny.......dress was pink so sad she had to lose her head.....all cause of her silly boyfriend........


a la pink....a la white........that I'm on this broom tonight! and her was white, it was white......the H was pink but her hair was white.......I'm on this broom tonight oh so light.....the sky light........

Memphis Minnie




One of her songs Hoodoo Lady


........ what can I say? Only now did I discover her........the beginnings of rock and roll? The Southern United States is a fascinating place. There's so much that's completely fucked up and so much that is just priceless. All kind of mixed together. Well, this article (click above) explains more than I ever can!

I used to be very obsessed with Led Zeppelin and it's pretty well known that these British rockers got their inspiration from American blues. I studied Jazz history in college and we were given these amazing recordings of the music from the beginning......the things we don't know about!!!!!!!!!!!!!


another article here

make this?

Going to make this make this make this it's for you make this make this make this this is for you thought it'd never happen but it did


thought it'd never happen but it did

thought it wouldn't


don't avoid what stings it can only heal
what stings what singes

your head is off
the buzzing's endless

a bride and groom
a red man with horns
he won't leave me alone

seeing red all the time
make mine what's mine what's mine
couldn't be too red it's all I ever knew

I made this made this
don't be ashamed
stringy and strange
your freak baby is still yours
still yours still has a mama it's still yours


and I made this I'm in silk
I'm up here where the sky is navy blue
I heard stories they're only stories
heard rumors they are zzzzzs spilling onto a blank page
white page

make this make this you can lie to yourself

all you want lie to us lie to us but this time


your words smoke up so boring boring

useless useless torture yourself senseless

so boring smoke them away so boring going to make this
rusty as it is rusty as it is rusty

you're getting this this that's my work
my beautiful work
it's black it's red it's really a hand made thing
it stings a little but it wouldn't soothe if it didn't burn

made this made this made this
your words are useless
a green haze you snoozed me at one time
out of my life but I'm back in it and I made this made this don't

think I can't make this
smoke of boring that's your speech
your speech it's not much it smiles
wiry but effective
made this made this didn't make this for nothing


all it is all it is all

gamma rays

been doing some thinking/artistic projects with the sun in focus...... once in college, ten years ago, I had taken an astronomy class where we learned about gamma rays. I was trying to be "deep" and incorporated that into a poem, titled "The Universe" "Gamma rays disperse and create life " a guy in the class commented as we wrote our thoughts on people's papers, "Gamma rays kill on dispersal. Confused." anyway, here's Sol in Radio light.....it's blue! Found only this image....the moon in GR light...brighter than sun....

oh could he could he could he

Sun:


medicine light warmth compassion starting over forgiveness descend ascend all stories descend ascend life nurture health positivity

my life: father, mother love, mercy, light of truth


oh that it would would surround us all that's orange that it would oh could he could he could he could he oh could he



save me ha! the little ones the center the center the center and how boring after the center now the that is now

apollo you that create and destroy that I fear that I love love oh the love the music the meds i need the meds the meds the meds the meds brain oh I'm sick I need love the meds endorphins love the meds the love the meds save save save save save save salve help help hell love burn help help compassion oh the love the love the love the love the love so elusive so little save save save save save save save save save save save save

new writing

been forever, yes. had internet problems and super busy with work and artistic projects.


here's what I have as of now:

blleeeeeehhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you read that first one forget you did



two cuts on my right
hand and a burn on my middle finger
it's 3am, 5am......salt still running in me
candle's lit, everything quiet
not asleep....my head is being stabbed
something slices through me
you were running manic this night,
the night before last
5am, 7 am, you're sweating.....
never enough and too much
damn, damn, damn them still more





push a button, call, a house, green, green again
love and hate cut and soothe
a bird flies over your head
an owl, a painting over your shoulder
something you can't explain
feels like metal
you can feel them tightening
so thin made of metal

they are all like zombies, a cult, they're insane




no word and the phone buzzes,
I never knew them, but they know me
too many dolls.....my stomach tightens
they're turning toward you, so slight you can't notice
save, save, bathe me

no one listens
old hag....joke of the village
the crazy lady on the hill


metal
does it heat? this hot, that it can melt
a wig......something burning
this curve was tricky
in an instant how things can change

how things can
I'm waiting and I hate to wait
I hate to wait
I hate to wait

she was in white and it didn't stop him
flowers on the alter, there can never be enough
flowers on a grave
there could never be enough