oh lovelies

Thursday, September 04, 2014

3 emails


Comes in threes doesn't it? Joan Rivers dies at 81 (=9) Billi Shakes at the Bitter End and from Humane Association This boxer (dog) fights for her life but was given a 2nd chance.....anyway.....I was talking to someone about a sarcophagus.....he had a mini one. It opens up and there is a tiny mummy inside. Or a small rendition of one. I also saw on the headlines a headless woman in the London suburbs (that's a creative way) and an 8 year old girl in Arizona (seems to happen quite a bit there) ......finally the "hot car dad" .....all this as I was listening to British and American 70s-80s rock......and thinking about the time I spent in London I know I have written on this before but it's stuck in my mind. 






I watched the Amanda Knox movie again (I get weird obsessions with films I watch some repeatedly I guess it runs in the family I have Gone With the Wind memorized practically) but it makes sense of course. Foreign exchange (Foreigner ha) students particularly "dumb Americans" naive, young, malleable, confused.......are an easy target for those who'd take advantage. Also because, as I said before, what happened to Amanda could have happened to me or many others. It was simply a few factors that stood in the way of me ending up in that predicament though I had my own minor brush with trouble and the cops over there. I could only imagine how terrifying.....it WAS..... for a time I thought I'd never get out of there.....be forever stuck in this far-off place with strange cops who were unsympathetic in this land that never got hot and everyone looked peculiar and was hostile to us.....this while being taken to see movies about police in Australia and Britain brutally beating prisoners yeah enough to scare the living shit out of someone like me. But to be stuck in prison a part of me wonders if I'd have a heart attack. Only the international law stood in my favor and the cops there didn't want to mess with that. Really, a miracle. Imagine if this was a country where .....there is less law. Or none. When I went to Israel I was detained and interrogated (first time ever I've been.....I was outraged as it turns out proved me innocent thankfully.....I later saw the same reactions on Law and Order episodes "What's all this about? You think I did this?" ect) by this soldieress yes I.....they know what they're doing (probably trained by the American military) they provoke you and provoke you, trying to break you down, test your reactions, see how you respond. I can't say I was this girl's biggest fan and at the end I finally snapped (again.....sitting in a foreign airport desperately wanting to get the fuck out of there.....never been so damn grateful to get on a plane) and I was walking around Amsterdam full of rage and whimpering at being singled out.....why why why.....but I suppose I can't hold it against someone for doing their job and following protocol I understand the big picture. But.....me being American, middle class, white.....Protestant what have you, you take these privileges for granted having them and it devastated me later to hear people who do not have these advantages telling me what they went through. A girl who was of Syrian descent (which actually I have some in me my maternal great grandfather was allegedly Syrian maybe Syrian Jewish) but you wouldn't know it talking to me, talked about, this while we were in London, and she spoke with an American accent but how she was detained on an international flight to Paris (she came from money but no matter) her suitcase wrapped in yellow tape and forced to wear a gold star and all this before September 11, 2001. Right when I had that skirmish with the international phone center, after having my bag stolen in Burger King (interestingly was reading David Copperfield oops oh look! it's really happening) having no money I admit I was dumb enough to walk into this place thinking I could call collect my Dad, God bless him, on the other end at his job in Indianapolis.....then this furious guy on the phone with my father saying I owed 13 GBP ya de ya "August thuhteenth" the same day that the American embassy in Nigeria was bombed. At the time we had no internet and little access to the news and I couldn't afford a newspaper because my money was taken from me. These experiences are very common in Europe it happens to European tourists as well. So be careful. But the place I was staying in London, no joke, called the "Dimwiddy House".....in the red light district but hey if you're gonna go go in style baby, had very tight security I have said this before. But had it not certainly a break in probably would have occurred the same way it did in Perugia. Who knows why this poor girl Meredith had such a terrible, unjust end. I am sorry for that......how could anyone be sorry enough? Multiple injustices there. And no explanation.....not enough of one. Such a bizarre world, you know? It goes without saying at least Joan Rivers got to live out her life. I just don't understand it, but I suppose there is no understanding some things.....
Apparently in this neighborhood King's Cross, my father got the message I had been kidnapped.....the policeman told me there had been sirens alarms and a military style search team trying to find me.....I was escorted back to the Dimwiddy House, down the street, shaking and sobbing.....my father on the phone "stay away from Pakistani, stay away from Hindu.....they think you have money and they don't like you....." I walked into the student house, kids standing around smoking and my fellow students watching.....as I struggled to stay composed and extremely embarrassed.....telling the supervisor (a woman.....) of my group what happened.....who had been kind enough to lend me a little money as I had zero anything.....thankfully did have my passport. I had gone there having had listened to British electronic music thinking I would walk into what I saw in music videos. Yeah, I was right, but wrong part of London. My knowledge of Scotland, where we were headed next, was Braveheart (it's called highlands because? It's above the UK......? Or is it really higher, like on a mountain, in my head I pictured a city on a huge rock.....called....what? cliff?) Later on I ventured out on my own and found what, in London I mean, I had been seeking initially. I ventured off alone to some clubs (honestly, I didn't have a great rapport with the kids I went with, we just didn't mesh. At first anyway) and met real natives there. This was a far better experience. This is how I typically traveled I don't know I just had that impulse in me always since birth......to wander off.....sometimes made me feel guilty. I used to do that constantly as a little kid......in Michigan on family trips I did that making my poor mother hysterical as I was simply gone.....I'd wander into other people's back yards and go on the swings, one time in Roscommon boy did I get lost. 
I ended up somewhere around this area pictured looks familiar.....years later GPS would save me but then I'd had none.....must have been a spirit or some such that did then. I was about maybe seven years old with a worse sense of direction than I have now.



Luckily someone picked me up and I don't even know how I got back.....I had been on a bicycle and spun off the I don't know where.....my mom had no cell phone did I even know my address? I think that's the only reason someone managed to drive me back. It's lucky it wasn't some fucker who picked me up but a decent citizen...... 
This is the little gorgeous river in Roscommon.....oh yes.....I went on a trip, a couple years before the London one, to visit family with my mother and little sister.....we went on this same canoe expedition and it started to storm then I dropped my glasses in the river. During this time I had been crying because a guy I'd been dating had flirted with another girl. Eh. History (hysteria) repeats itself and repeats itself.....Ten years later on another trip my grandfather rest his soul, who was.....a little off.....would accuse me of stopping up his toilet. 

Interesting.....toilet stopped then water flowing.....or.....?

Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Monarch programming?

What I've been reading about.....therein speaks for itself

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Someone

Just told me I look like I am from the 1920s cool.....F Scott Fitzgerald would love me cool)

My name showing up around the city

I know Laura is a common name but this is just too bizarre. On the Manhattan bridge and this, I'm sorry.....freaky show.

One of numerous articles on the Papin sisters

This is about as gruesome as it gets.....these two young, very pretty girls snapped and tortured and killed their employers. A number of things apparently contributed to this. There have been dozens of plays, films, articles about this case. Many people and young women were exploited this way around the world but this doesn't often happen.

http://scandalouswoman.blogspot.com/2009/07/murderous-maids-scandalous-crimes-of.html?m=1

Movies.....

Like I said my friend was very sweet to make me some dvds I've mentioned this before La Ceremonie the Amanda Knox and Jodi Arias movies.....I am sorry for whatever personal issues are tied up with them.....but the Knox film is very prettily filmed I am fascinated by this the director his name evades me is Romanian I have seen a couple incredible films out of there. It's really a travesty in my opinion that the international dvd place in the west village closed cause I mean there are lots of great American films but there is so much around the world most people here don't know about. Netflix is just too complicated for me I guess I'm old school (ugh!) my mom rents stuff even vhs from the library all the time. I grew up watching a lot of French, some Italian cinema. Anyway the acting in the Knox film is great the actor playing Lumumba is hilarious and the one playing Guede I wikied this wrote the music: Djibril Debe with an accent I believe is his name.....and Vincent Riotta.....as Mignini.....La Ceremonie is loosely based on an infamous French case of two maids who went beserk.....the Papin sisters.....and killed their emplyers. This was one of the early.....well actually certainly not the first incident of this.....before there was mass media or newspapers there was simply gossip, hysteria.....like the witch trials but anyway this was the 1930s and it was a huge sensation like OJ Simpson or Jodi Arias equivalent in France. Why do these things happen? Who knows.....they simply do.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Death dream

Kept digging up a grave.....someone close to me who passed a long time ago.....the corpse was in there but only later I realized.....must have been telling of something.....I had been there when made kept going back there was $ in coffin didnt know to take it or not.....parking lot.....

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Nightmare, another

Peaches Geldof wearing some kind of astronaut mask......some thing, white.....then bruise marks around the eyes.....looking at a street.....coffin appeared, some kind of pointed star under it.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Tv

Wish I could spend all my time eating sourdough bread and brie, watching Cold Case or the Amanda Knox film which is actually almost funny.....have to hustle put $ in my purse pretty much immediately. It was fun while it lasted.
Wrote that over the summer. Been through an emotional blender. My email got hacked. Weird messages sent to friends. Everything is weird. I think back to when I was in jersey city and I was like a naive child. I had no clue what was to come. But it will always be the same til I change something fundamental in me but how? I'm trying......

Horrifying nightmare

Im sorry to say this its great someone painted a mural to the late Robin Williams but it kind of freaked me out when I passed it. Clowns in general terrify me.....it says "keep on smiling"'though he's not smiling. I saw this in a storm.....After watching some disturbing videos on youtube and the Amanda Knox film (more freak stuff there) I fell asleep the fan sounded like it was oscillating in a weird way vaaaaRHOOm now it stopped plus muffled bass on a blasting car radio outside (witnessed the same thing in Miami I read somewhere they transport the dead or their souls what have you) a vision.....oh terrifying.....Robin Williams' face with clown makeup and a pig's nose I mean no disrespect in writing this.....just staring blankly. I was reading about these fucked up .....ugh.....wearing pig and goat masks I guess that's what triggered it .....

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Mirrors, water

Kept thinking of a horror film I saw water dripping.....down came the rain.....dreamt I was staring into a shattered mirror but not my reflection looking back at me an older man with a white beard.....temporal? Actually never looked that up.....

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Watched Jodi Arias DLS and Love and Death

My friend was very nice to make me some dvds I watched a couple yesterday. Love and Death by Woody Allen is particularly disturbing but brilliant.....the end especially. The JA film, though inaccurate, to say the least, stands pretty well on its own I find the lead actress very likable. Just my opinion, you know.....I had the ending of LAD in my mind today.....

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Heroin, more.....

Naltrexone, naloxone.....used to treat od.....these are preventable tragedies.....
I guess you can carry this stuff with you.....

Heroin.....

http://www.spiritualriver.com/heroin-overdose/these stories are devastating. People don't understand addiction can and does happen to anybody. From what I  gauge the drug  as sold off the street is cut with other substances like rat poison (the Clash sang about this) which causes death. To go cold turkey? Not necessarily the answer.....because if someone takes the drug again at the same dosage that's often what causes death. I read this and think this could have been me I never used heroin but I can't deny I did other stuff. Heroin is physically addicting, so it is not that easy to just quit. In its pure form it is less dangerous than when mixed. These people should not have died and going going off the drug is torture, literally, so I've been told.  What other way there must be one.....

Monday, August 11, 2014

Actually.....JFK Jr

This whole debacle yeah a real enigma. And heartbreaking. Blondie sang die young stay pretty.....flying with a broken foot I don't understand the mechanics of flying I guess you step on the gas like in a car. Lost near Martha's Vinyard where Obama is vacationing.....I got the Star card the other day and yes I am a genius as if the stars are shining on me.....divinely inspired and TY.....but as for ......the documentary on MM.....where it gets twisted: the Kennedys allegedly plotted to kill her (you can see the embarrassed wince on JFK's face in the "Happy Birthday Mr. President" moment, Bobby too).....but then afterwards they become victims of another conspiracy? Doesn't make sense.....

On a lighter note.....Bubbys

Cute restaurant in Tribeca. JFK Jr. Used to go here. I am so obsessed with this story this was watching a documentary on Marilyn Monroe where they re-created the crime scene her organs this that. This place had pretty decent food super spicy nachos huge veggie burger, huge..... 

They say

Ask for courage to accept what you can't control and change what you can but.....I don't accept what I can't control accept a tsunami? It could be worse.....Amanda Knox once said when asked who had it worse her or Meredith, she said I still have a chance to live as much as my life has been stolen or identity or something. I don't accept what I can't control but I live with it, I deal with it. At the time it feels like hell but it isn't the end. Pain is all encompassing it clouds your vision turns your life upside down. I will never understand the hate and vindictiveness of some people. I can't get in their minds but why should I care? Still, don't ever let anyone steal your life they have no right to and only you know what's right for you how you should live what makes you happy. You love someone til they become God you too give them that power to with the motion of a hand destroy your life. In order to feel secure you have to have faith in them.....you give them a piece of you and they rip it to shreds. At least in the past I did. The day Michael Jackson died I went to the Bhuddist temple, wandered in, tho I'm not Bhuddist.....I think that's when I found out.....about MJ. The night before I had news Justin was making out with another girl ffs I can't turn my back for a second. To betray a person's trust.....play games with their mind and heart you don't get over these things.....you never get over them. They say time heals what bs. But ok I have relived the pain and let a lot of things go. You look back at some situations and think I wish I wish I had just walked away. Or done it sooner. Worst mistake not doing it sooner.....but stayed instead only to be lured back promise this promise that only a matter of time before you're proven right again and again. But by then there's rubble, there is more pain, and it never feels good to cause another pain, ever, Jeanne D'arc said she was more fond of her banner than her sword. I don't pretend to be a saint I did a lot of shitty stuff. But I was confused desperate and vulnerable but until I clear my own head it won't matter anyway.....I try. I try. I am so....., but I try.....
Missing Persons lyrics: they say time will heal everything reason and common sense/but with time and reason surely comes the loss of innocence.....

Nightmares

I rarely have these.....maybe the full moon my mind thinking rather cryptic stuff. I was thinking of an episode of cold case featuring a circus, clowns and a girl dancing in ribbons or curtains I'm not sure what you call them. I want to try that! A guy gives her lsd.....that is such an incredible show. But clowns scare the shit out of me.
Later watched a YouTube documentary on the death of Marilyn Monroe and how scientists recreated the circumstances and her organs and such but that plus something else I heard had me shaken up I suppose and I fell asleep rather uneasily.....then this often happens I dream I'm sleeping then it's like I'm lifted ip but in a cloud this a dark on and like I was being squeezed. Then was dropped down.....woke up in a sweat.....

Saturday, August 09, 2014

Across the bridge, sans headphones

Was thinking, getting lost nearly, as I always do, in Chinatown.......this is going to be killer. Dread in my stomach.
Reminded me of hanging out with Justin, always when I am in the LES. Lovely Bhuddist temple near canal st, next to Fung Wah! What a feeling of liberty, I can drive again. I can register at a hostel, what have you. Up the bridge, not too bad what doesn't kill you makes you stronger so though my muscles ache they are better.....so many times have I been back and forth on this bridge. Food! Food! Thinking now.......

Round again.......

My butt still hurts but oh what a butt........ I'm a Leo which rules the heart running is good for the heart. I managed to make it from the east village down to near canal st .....a long ways! In half hour.......the plan is to go to Brooklyn over the bridge haven't been to coney island in forever. Dying to go to the beach.....if I can make it over there. Friends and I used to ride our bikes out there from fort greene.....

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Another.....

Lower blood pressure. Soldieress in a pink dress and pink panties.....another 20 mins missing the first 15 mins of criminal minds but that's the price sometimes.....sultry summer evenings.....I get all mushy corny makes me remember evenings in Evanston bbqs.....

Lovely August Day

Ran half hour not finished.....hunger so intense feels like my head slammed with a rock.....was so tense one o' those......shoulders and neck stiff. Short tempers. I saw a sign by the east river in French it read "flying boat" je pense bataeu volee with an accent.....I remember thinking that makes no sense. But as it is they really do do both. I just watched one land. All this time I still haven't been to the beach.....I was in horrible pain running my ass hurts literally I think from these exercises I did. Dancing again.....that means training. On the up side I have a hot derriere. I try to think that way.....but with every pounce it felt like someone was kicking me back there.....just raw. I was grunting and finally crying practically then screaming. That is my muscles loosened I .....was very stiff. I watched a clip from Kill Bill I love the western scenes in it and the cowboy and Mexican stuff. There were times I felt myself a victim but now I see myself as a soldier.....soldieress? But such are the hazards.......

Monday, August 04, 2014

Nightmares fear of ghosts and Monty Python

Lumber jack song: http://youtu.be/5zey8567bcg

My mom had told me a ghost story which subsequently had me too spooked to sleep at night.....so J Sr. ..... bizarre how things come around.....a Pisces, fish, Poisson, Jesus, feet.....a lot of Pisces (es?- what's the plural of Pisces? Pisces'.....? No that's possessive.....) anyway gave me a tape of Monty Python figuring it would cheer me up and help me overcome my fear of ghosts in the closet. The song they sang was this one, the Lumberjack Song. This was while I was a child in Chicago. Of course it made no sense to me (lumberjack in women's clothing?.....lavatory I'd never heard that word "laboratory?" "I go to the laboratory") It still doesn't. We took many weekend trips to Michigan, Wisconsin, Massachusetts......the road does get boring J Sr. Esp fond of Garrison Keilor..... to visit family and friends.....there was some family tragedy at the time. It happens. I was too young to understand but I guess it seeped in unconsciously. This was a tape he gave me so I heard but did not see. Ghosts in the closet, "Mrs Scum" ("what is scum?").....this song.....this in the dark, at night. I think I was born to stay up at night. Apparently as a baby I drove my mother crazy with my inability to sleep at night.

Saturday, August 02, 2014

Crazy night

It's NYC and all Friday night and unfortunately I have dealt with some people who must have been born in the sewers of this town recently. But there are others who are wonderful I've been close to both. I mean I saw so much craziness a couple fighting to where it got physical a guy pulling over asking me if I want to watch him jerk off I mean he told me I'm beautiful after someone else said I am ugly so.....where does that leave me? I asked this guy why would I want to see that? I mean a part of me felt bad for him and knew I was going to be the 200th girl to turn him down..... There is more the situation I talked about I mean it is so.....it doesn't make any sense. I haven't eaten enough have been wired tight from the stress of the past week I look feel haggard. ....I ran through the park felt like I was .....it was hellish I saw myself in the mirror emaciated sweating everywhere and gorgeous but a stranger was looking back at me. Was told something about an initiation (into what?) a marriage (what?) Makes no sense. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Larger issues?

Sylvia Plath in her confessional poetry linked "personal to political" her private issues linked to the chain of global events then the bomb, WWII;  in physics everything that happens creates a shock wave that travels and affects everything else. My personal drama me just one person and I have problems but I certainly do have it good compared to some.....but "relevant to the larger things" past and present; the Inquisition, the Kennedy assassination, ....."corrupt and tainted with a thousand vices" .....you don't know until you put it down then in retrospect.....I was reading about brain hemorrhages and was wondering if I was having one but I hope not.....or if I'd ever had a concussion. How would I know?

And

From what I've been told, most likely this person is part of something larger, ugly and deadly. Certainly not anyone to effect any kind of pious attitude it'd be one thing if they were. St Catherine took on some ten or eleven judges Jim Garrison something similar. No, real friends do not do this to people. Such can only come from an ugly and sick human being

To Sin by Silence

Ella Wheelcox

GREAT poem

The truth hurts and can get one killed. It hurts to write it though it nearly killed me at times. I never claimed to be perfect however let me clarify. I do NOT like writing about times when I am hurt by someone. I try every avenue of doubt. There's unintentional and there is intentional. Unintentional is painful but forgivable. I did not want to know not want to believe and maybe could have should have gone on being blissfully ignorant except that this person took some kind of pious tone in, without my knowledge, trying to cause a rift between me and someone  and trying to effect something that would have caused me a world of hurt......and who is she to do that? My instincts and what I know tells me this person is at best unreliable in giving advice on anything or in making moral aspersions on another. I want more than anything peace. This is a matter close to my heart and this involves real people and others who would have been badly damaged by her and her intentions seem purely malicious. This is not helping anybody. This person acts out of hate and delusion. It is not love. Love does not, I don't care what anyone says, break up friendships or families real love doesn't. It is not an act of unprovoked cruelty to a person who never did anything to you. On shaky ground such as this nothing good can come and anyone with such intentions is nit to be trusted.

http://www.bartleby.com/73/1695.html

A lotlot

Of warmth and support for which I am thankful but sadly this other thing came at me with the force of a jet. And it is ugly. I try so hard to get away from this and I can only say to the self living in jersey city that girl was an innocent or rather.....I am sorry wholly for any hurt I caused. But unlike those I just wrote about, I NEVER hurt anyone intentionally, ever. I can say that much for myself. I wish I could let some people off the hook to their credit they did a lot of good I hope just hope that this.....does not reveal something darker about them as I believed in this person. And I am holding back because I doubt this Person x knows everything. After what happened with Justin and how he betrayed my faith and trust with Leila among others.....not to mention what I went through .....in the past and I can't say I'm proud of all I've done I feel sad and guilty as well. But this.....is the ugly adversary. That which I have no control over.....

Recently

True friends reveal themselves in the darkest times. So do enemies. There is a saying that there is a special place in hell for women who hurt women, particularly going......behind a person's back who has done nothing to you and causing hurt pain in their life for no good reason and you know you judge a person by their own conduct which speaks for itself. That kind of .....what words? It has come to my understanding that there is a woman out there doing this to me. Mind you I have never met her. But.....a tarot reading revealed this to me. She is trying to influence a friend of mine to hurt me and break us apart. Needless to say she kmows nothing about me and I have done nothing to her. So this is.....people who, and believe me I know what I am talking about.....do things to cause pain and loss in the lives of your friends are not friends! Such behaviour is utterly monstrous and indefensible. But heaven help me..........years ago Ted did such things......willfully and intentionally breaking up friendships relationships encouraging backstabbing and betrayal. Nothing good will come of it. "You can rely on the old man's money" thank you D you're fabulous! Thanks for the birthday wishes to those who did I really love you guys!

Monday, July 21, 2014

Been a while

Four days rather. Spent early today watching youtube videos. I'm pretty shaken up and some of it is scary but it's starting to make sense. I merely comment on what I see is all.
A lot that I can't explain but.....
No it doesn't make sense. In your face display of.....
For these little pockets of space I can call my own I am so grateful. Betrayal and back stabbing of the worst kind, by someone I was led to believe although the way along I had my doubts I suppose. I can't accept or believe that people are just stupid I mean of course that would be so flattering to me.....

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

A year later

And too long. Inwood is lovely but.......so much took place that shouldn't have and I was made to suffer in ways I shouldn't have. Period. But here I am a year later back on Planet Earth and still breathing. Three months ago I removed a 200 or 250 lb tumor from my life up in Riverdale. Live and learn, right? The rain is warm and pretty, like tropical. I got a copy of the French film La Ceremonie very brilliant and stylish but disturbing. I am also really getting into the Lifetime film on Amanda Knox it's just..... .  I don't know......beautifully shot. I am pretty worn out from heavy activity yesterday but it's not over.....took a little break though. I watched a film with my mom last night also French Mozarts Sister this one is WEIRD the Mozart kid is creepy like the Omen kid and the scene with him playing the organ had me screaming nearly. I learned a hard lesson in one year I don't ever.....WON'T ever go through that again. Reunited and no it ain't happening. Al was right. Anyway.....yeah. Thinking of the comment James Woods once made he made a few very crude but hilarious, and true. Can't wait to go to the beach. You know a person by how they act toward you in bad as well as fair weather or any weather for that matter. In the end if you're an asshole to people you end up with no one except the mirror ha I don't envy that.....

Monday, June 30, 2014

More on Elliott Rodger

Go on youtube and see for yourself.....been watching stuff on this for hours. Won't even go into it.....but this song by the Doors "when you're strange.....people are strange when you're a stranger faces look ugly when you're alone....." is on the radio.....at B cup (my bra size) ......this place makes amazing lemonade with fresh mint. After 5 pm toss in some rum you have a summer mojito......
Ah yes it hot me.....yes total revenge of the nerds......remember Carrie's carnage? Boy there is more to this......

Wow!

Completely obsessed with these videos.......Malcolm X, whose autobiography I read and it's amazing, said who controls the media controls the masses and makes the innocent guilty and guilty innocent.....(Jodi Arias, Amanda Knox) but what about before there was media? Back in the days of Joan of Arc or the witch trials of Salem there were no newspapers or TV but there was the ability to stir up mass hysteria to the point where someone was believed to be a witch when they were not and the real witches ......didn't even walk between the floorboards they were out in the open about it but were never put on trial. Partly I suppose because they had brains and perhaps people really feared them. Just speculating..... or even Jesus had a crowd following jim to his execution. I could go on and on with examples of this but this kind of naming and shaming is particularly acute with women. Find yourself in the wrong situation any remote sexual thing you ever did is magnified countless times. Anything as anything. Amanda Knox was carted away in what looked like a cage speaking of medieval.....always have a hard time spelling that. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkQeBfz0DtQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Saturday, June 28, 2014

He is.....

Saw another spider

I was washing rather running water in the bathtub and saw what I thought was dirt but it was a spider maybe the size of my fingerprint, black. Lordie me I don't know what kind. It was struggling to climb up the wet tub I slid a towel its way to help it. Crawling toward me. After not a good two days.....I am feeling red flowing love and blood in me opening up and spilling out also in my heart cloud of cold black hate and god that is not in me.....walking on 13th street I was hearing beautiful but cryptic and haunting music.....like I was dreaming. Kept walking.....out of another bar I heard happy bouncing music thinking this is out of place but then I looked in and it was dark so you could barely see with red lights and then another red and black bar not so much hell but like Hades or the stories of the underworld. I have been reading about trauma and how it splits a person's psyche in pieces and people become multiple personalities not like schizophrenia but more like psychologically a new self is "born".....one splits off and disassociates. I at times felt myself outside myself seeing down .....another "me" somewhere in me took over. I felt physically sick and have been. I am better now. Like something happened to me but that never really happened. My soul psyche splintered into a million pieces. If time is a dimension and there are several parallel universes and somewhere my personal drama is being repeated as is everyone's.....I felt like the devil, or something, was sitting beside me was in me.....cheesy Murray Head song.....but like I am lucid and awake but in a dream state. This without any drugs btw.....after feeling awful and like I was crushed and sliced open by a recent event suddenly seeing the spider omen of luck I somehow escaped death so I am thankful for that.....

Monday, June 23, 2014

Baillando

Dreamt I was preparing to go onstage and dance, then I did, but forgot the music. Steps were right. The song in my head was by Cirrus.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Velvet the book Alec Kalla and MJ Sullivan

I eat this stuff up but I guess that's human nature. Solving them. I read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle earlier this year which gave me insight when watching the show Sherlock.
......this character Hank Easton for all his chauvinism is quite likable...
..I went into a restaurant this morning and the Pixies song "Where is my Mind" was on the radio.....many bone chilling coincidences.....that was used on a freaky episode of Criminal Minds. Sylvia Plath wrote : "a grey wall clawed and bloody/is there no way out of the mind?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

McDs in the UK

the UK is infamous for its food I can remember ordering a veggie Burger with "salad" which turned out to be a piece of lettuce and tomato. I have to say French Mac Donald's and Swiss had amazing "coffee" even in the UK their version of Starbucks was also and I am very sensitive to coffee I rarely drink it. In France and Switzerland they give you a little piece of chocolate with what is like cafe con leche the only good ones I ever had in NYC I got at a Dominican restaurant in Washington Heights where I lived summer of 2000.....having left a guy and starting my new life.....then......John Digweeds LA mix had just come out and was a huge suceess and genius .....anyway this video has some nice 20s ragtime/Dixieland music in the background.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Fm-LYJ91k&feature=youtube_gdata_player

educational video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WlVDFRYViw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

venus in the am

one better aspect of hauling ass out of be at ungodly early hours.....seeing the venus planet in the sky. in the east.....

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Elliot Rodger cont'd

I have to say whatever his story is I just saw a picture of him in the dark it almost gave me a heart attack.....

Elliot Rodger mispelled his name sorry

According to Wikipedia he uploaded the YouTube video at 9:17 pm or in police/military time 2100 hours 17 minutes something like that this other site says they were uploaded 10 hours later than that so.....? confused.

Elliot Roger continued.....

Why do these things come in a flash? I have to take time out of my day to write it as it comes.......despite my busy schedule. But so it is. I don't even like to read though I do.....not enough. Lately my reading has been online and youtube videos. I read people's everyday testimonies rather than Camut who my sister reads. I have read Simone de Beauvoir though and she wrote about the "ennui" that engulfs Hollywood among other places and the atmosphere of boredom I mean this is her not me. But I felt that immediately watching these videos. The objectification of people and obsession with things like cars which like humans fall prey to thermodynamics inevitably. So.....I'm just not materialistic and the people I know who are I wish I did not know. I have never met a person obsessed with objects who did not also have a serial killer mentality not to mention a complete lack of morals. Not saying don't have nice stuff or have nothing but to have something to apply to good use in your life is one thing. To have it just to have it is a way of hiding something. Anyway......maybe that's a telling thing right there. I watched part of a French film La Ceremonies which speaks of the same atmosphere of boredom in the French bourgeoisie which drives two female servants to senseless killing so it isn't just America. Still......facts be told if he shot himself in his car why is the window broken and nearly gone and there no blood? There should be blood everywhere. Even in the videos there is a glare of sunlight on the screen it could be reflecting from the camera lens but it looks like a window reflection. So.....this is my take so far.

That last post immediately got a ton of hits from all over the world. But yes, if this video was intended for youtube why was it uploaded after his death? And he went on a rant in one video about a couple making out in front of him but you cant see them.

Elliot Roger

This morning I watched his "Manifesto" video. At least as much as I could before honestly getting a little bored as he seemed to be repeating himself. I have to say it doesn't make sense. He is pissed off over being rejected and given it could be a high school situation that I am thankful I never went through. I was bullied in elementary and junior high and the truth is when you're under attack that trauma you went through never leaves you. I will always be thankful for whatever it is that kept me going, kept me alive. I recently had something revealed to me that I am always grateful for. As bad as things felt and seemed at times it felt like the end but after all it wasn't. There's so much I'd have missed if I had ended it there. But that doesn't seem to be the situation here no one was attacking this guy and he had a million options therapy and medication among them, truthfully he could have paid for sex this is southern California. I have known men far less attractive than him who had girlfriends and sex in their lives thes mens personalities worse than their looks. Elliot Roger's birthday is July 24 one day before mine. There are legions of youtube videos saying this was staged and fake so if this guy is an actor where is he now? His features are very distinguishable do they have plastic surgery? What would be the point of faking your life and identity then disappearing from public view? I've heard of people faking death for the same reasons.......to escape fame anything is possible. but not being there physically how can I tell?

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Jesus was a "bitch"?

yes lets face it all religions derived from others but
forgive me I am writing sloppily I am worn out and not really inspired but nonetheless it has to be said somehow. this due to some things in my personal life I was reading about revelations and the number seven is prominent in my life (July 25) but it lead me to the story of Inanna which I read many years ago but forgot. anyway the story is she descended to the underworld (seven of them as well as seven heavens) and this time with her husband managed to fight her way out......I was born on Sunday Sabbath Day too.......my mom had a canvas embroidery of that poem on her wall.....watching the news lordie another school shooting! I don't know if these stories are real or not I wasn't there, as per last post.......merely reporting on what I see.....anyhow yes I know well the story of Persephone which is also highly similar to the Jesus resurrection.....many if not all.cultures have one similar or nearly the same I just don't know them all. in my personal experience..... this is heavy. I don't know if I can go into this.....

Sunday, June 08, 2014

So-CALled hoax?

This is so sick but God its brilliant.......
The premise being that the tragedy in what was it? Island vista may have been staged I mean who knows.....I know people who went to elementary through high school in the barrios of NYC and Chicago with gun shots going through the windows, though maybe the difference was that gang members weren't targeting children intentionally as they are not without ethics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQEcVbixRhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sunday, June 01, 2014

L and O

AMAZING EPISODE  of Law and Order CI




Luv me some Vincent D'Onofrio
…….Someone had complained about Hollywood stereotypes but I know that Central Casting was invented simply because it's true in film and TV people are cast according to type: jolly fat friend, buxom dumb blonde, high school football player, black gangster, Jewish lawyer ect I mean I'm not saying it's right but given that casting and filmmaking are expensive and short on time they don't try to decipher every actor's range and complexity there just; it would be more or less impossible so people are divided according to their head shots age range body/eye/height/weight/personality leading lady vs. character actor vs….whatever. . But…..shrug. I've sent out many head shots and been to many auditions it never really occurred to me I was always cast as the kooky red-haired side kick; once I…..and I think to myself I actually agreed to do this: was cast as a monkey, literally. I was in fairly good shape so I and a guy put on monkey noses and brown leotards and tights and jumped around in the Hunter College lounge, and made squeaking monkey noises. My boyfriend at the time wanted to come see this and I told him not to; please don't. Too bad they weren't making 2001:The Dawn of Man at the time I could have had a SAG/waiver role; if that counts as dialogue. I'm not saying stereotyping is inevitable: many films and shows have made efforts to go against that but it still goes on…….
I read that D'Onofrio after Full Metal Jacket had trouble getting cast as anything but the "fat guy" until he got in shape eventually ended up here. 
He's incredibly charismatic and……this show rocks period…..this episode in particular well I guess one that stands out.  Having been to a few funerals: I guess in my mind I wonder who does the work with corpses either as a medical examiner (I had thought of doing that) or mortician which I know I'd fuck up wouldn't even consider. On the show they talked about stuffing cotton in the person's butt and other stuff……oh God……On this show someone had protested that that goes against "God" I suppose blame the Egyptians didn't they invent embalming? So on this show they visit a crematorium I suppose that sparks a curiosity since my father was cremated. The ashes, or so-called, of one person are examined and it turns out they are mostly sawdust and not human. Oh yes, "repositioning" I mean I have to be curious about who does this. I read an essay by a girl who'd been a student of a professor I know that was fascinating about how she was studying to be a mortician in my mind I never thought of it much just Morticia Adams. I know, kind of dumb but that's what I think…….
I have dreams about a cemetery, really nightmares……that I used to visit with my best friend when I was around age 9 or 10.







Aeysha was a Scorpio and this one was right next door to the building we both lived in.  This cemetery was particularly just……I don't want to say "evil" but the vibe simply wasn't good. Maybe there was a ghost of a killer or someone who died a terrible death or……and I love cemeteries. This one is by Lake Michigan in Evanston near the Chicago border, Howard. The people who worked at this graveyard used to chase us and we had reason to be scared of them as we would always end up running out of there. Aeysha snuck into this place one Halloween with friends of hers though I wasn't there for that. Her sister once threw an amazing, amazing Halloween bash once I remember. I suppose this episode made me think of this plus: the times that family members passed on I was maybe fortunately for me not left with handling the details "Death is expensive, Miss Stella!" With my situation it'd be impossible maybe. Just found this!!!!! Cavalry Cemetery never even knew this was the name. If Seaweed Charlie ever came out of the lake I never saw him though I dream about it all the time to this day (Michigan) the rising of the tides and the waves would get pretty steep though compared to the ones in Hawaii they are probably pretty limp. The boy grave is particularly disturbing.


 But whatever. I never saw the ocean til I was eight, that or palm trees……when my aunt was kind enough to take me on a family trip to Fort Lauderdale.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Simple Minds/Peter Gabriel

A little over a year ago I was watching this video and had an awful feeling. A few hours later the news came out about Reeva Steenkamp's murder. "The eyes of the world are watching you" .....last night I watched this same video and......what words? The random acts of shooting in Europe and California, bizarre meteor shower........"silicon chip inside her head" that was 1979. A car crash that killed one girl and put her sister on a coma last night I had a horrible feeling like I was encapsulated in a dark cloud I got the nine of swords on a Tarot reading, queen of swords in reverse: female stalker and spying. Don't you love it when women fuck over women.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewK_Pdj0GCQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Retribution......Echoes of.........

*clears throat* I have to say it: Ted.
I did not want to face a terrifying predicament of something so overpoweringly drastic but I suffered due to this man's deliberate intentional sadistic brutality. What this young man, who is not unattractive, says could have been scripted by Ted word for word. I made no secret of the fact that I thought he was dangerous and face facts I bolted from the scene too traumatized and afraid to even go back and get my things. I was forced to call the cops which was incredibly harrowing. Plus  a hotline and furthermore I was punished and made a pariah because of him......all because I didn't....... I was making moves to leave and that's when stalkers are the most deadly. That post on report your ex got taken down surely due to that scumbags maneuvering where he was accused of rape, threats to kidnap, breaking and entering none of which I'd put past him. Why was nothing done? Kidnap and take the kid across the Canadian border this a matter for Interpol. I have only suspicion but .....his friends need to stop being in denial or protecting him he is a malicious, vindictive cruel and dangerous man. I truly believe that .....last week I had to call the cops on a neighbor who was beating up his girlfriend. Why me the burden?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQUW3Km01BM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This does sound familiar

Call it what it is: hate crime against women. The shooting of a model on the subway a few years ago, in NYC.....a friend of mine made that remark. Not taking no for an answer. I have known men like this heaven help you if you come under their radar.....unfortunately it takes a drastic incident like this before anything is done. The resources are inadequate.

Who's behind the California shooting rampage? http://www.cnn.com//2014/05/24/us/california-shooting-suspect/index.html

Had one of these earlier

3 am when I was watching the Boomtown Rats. I have a really bad sense of direction walked the wrong way.....maybe cause I am left handed I do everything in reverse go right when I should go left ect.....

The Definitive Ranking Of Veggie Burgers http://bzfd.it/1hkVAKx

California shooting

I kind of skimmed through this but it seems this happened simultaneously with what happened in Belgium. Southern California, when I was researching flights to LA. Is this the Laura effect again? The Spencer shootings occurred in San Diego the south. This is one of those "beautiful girl whole life ahead of her why did she do this?" Type of things.....

Brenda Ann Spencer

Oops my bad. 1979. California. USA of course.....she shot people at her school. 15 years later the Columbine attacks.....

Attack in Brussels pt. 2

I was watching this video must have been 3 am or so sitting in a coffee shop after work (as I do around the clock) I remember live aid (listen to that crowd!). I'd never heard this group before. One of these Tea Party conspiracy theory youtube stations which I'd rather not name .....couldn't stop laughing at this: discussing Peaches' possible murder/cover up (don't want to say too much) said something about her father......something like eco terrorist.........the man host described him as "tax people for breathing".......I'm thinking if that's the worst of his offenses I can think of people who've done more......I mean there was scads and scads of unrest in the 80s punk rock had everything to do with it. There were a lot of casualties and it was an uphill battle but it lead to the end of apartheid and the fall if the Berlin Wall. If I remember this right an article I read said Bob Geld of descends from Belgian Jews who emigrated..... not sure if that's right word......to Ireland. Something like that. This song was written about an incident where I think a girl went to her high school and shot a bunch of people, reason being she didn't like Mondays. 1985. Before Columbine.......we all went to high school sheesh this could have been any of us. Listening to this made me think of Pretty in Pink......just very 80s esque.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdA-2oXzk10&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Attack in Brussels

I used to hang out in Washington Sq. Park as I lived in the Village it's amazing how you think you've seen every kind of insanity possible but there are infinite degrees.  This came out after I'd just read about someone who is of Belgian Jewish descent.

http://m.bbc.com/news/world-europe-27558918

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Edward Glover......found one of his books

The Roots of Crime. Just beginning......at the time being gay was considered criminal. For all the errors it makes for an interesting read........

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

lack of sleep and taskmastering, trying to.....

I have a terror of list making but do anyhow.1) med 
2)danc
3) po
4) ru 
5)cal
6) hou 
7) cgapp
8) scoapt
9) REFE
10) PObp


 ......only I can unerstand.......for a reason. 


Have been putting together new material and getting back in shape after being injured a year ago and other things.......that I've written on elsewhere. Found a song very gorgeous, maudlin and sexy thought it was good to use. But then found out about the passing of someone, and thought this is so morbidly depressing although I feel love for the one gone, and there are too many......I just don't want to be depressed anymore. So found something from an essential mix of one of my favorite djs......that still figures in. Upbeat and crazy.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Lostprophets Popworld Xmas......oh boy.....

Child abuser and convicted pedo Ian Watkins as Santa......wonder whose idea this was......"what was the highlight?" "kids....." this does not make for easy reading. It was the women/girls who gave this man their babies to abuse, to put it nicely.......whom Peaches Geldof outed on Twitter before getting in trouble. To some, she blabbed a little too much. Five months later, she was dead of an overdose. Or so it was ruled. Overall, very sad. Young beautiful people with loads of potential.....

Monday, May 19, 2014

The Doors Movie - Light My Fire Ed Sullivan Show

Been a while since I saw this film......remembered this scene just recently..........

2 Unlimited - No Limit (1993)

When I was in Jersey City and my phone went out and I felt like I was being sealed into my own mausoleum.......the crunch yoga tape was the light peeking out from the rock. Super duper saturated and syrupy but in proportion in the reverse.........it was Sara Ivanhoe. I had no music, no phone, no email......just a jagged house built after the 9/11 attacks an ugly brown rug that I scrubbed as per directions a back yard with an old, abandoned tire and floorboards that hadn't been touched in 15 years.......a window that didn't close......my friends visited me periodically thank heaven one of those times I may as well have been exiled......anyway this video reminds me of that. Pretty over the top.

who knew

they were watching history of unimaginable proportions in the happening..........they must"ve.......Simone de Beauvoir wrote about humans having "opposable thumb" the thing to starting civilization out of a wilderness......use of tools. So it's going on still yet.......?



Dawn of Man



     
Cat learns to use fork, spoon, chopsticks






Sunday, May 18, 2014

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

One occupational hazard.....

Working as a reporter in the field.....

Journalist "Disappeared" From Egyptian Prison Could Die Within Days http://bzfd.it/1mVvbLc

truth be told

I'm not really mean. I acted mean at times. I have been enraged and had my battles. Guess I can't deny it. I don't wake up or go to sleep with diabolical intentions to hurt people......you'd have to have REALLY fucked with me to make me want to do that. I have been thinking about the Jodi Arias case again I have to say I am sorry for what happened to Travis and for what his family is going through. I understand the pain and struggles they've talked about. I don't really know what happened to him (as in who did this) or why. Just that my deepest intuition, which I know is not error-proof, tells me Jodi is not a bad person, far from it, and that she shouldn't be where she is. ? For now......

last post

that was a little harsh.......intended for certain people though.

Distressing morning.......has been abated somewhat.

cheating?

Why Men Cheat
Why Women Cheat........


http://www.intenserelations.com/15-reasons-why-women-cheat/7/



It sucks that that happens to anybody but truth be told too many men don't treat their women right .......having been there I can only say that men need to know women are not their property they do not own them or have a "right" to them. You can't just treat someone badly and keep inflicting pain and unhappiness on them and expect them to love you for it. Or deliberately in a way that is slighting, disrespectful and offensive all because you feel slighted. Along comes Mr. Charming with the kind words, the flattery the gifts and if he's reasonably attractive then ......bam! If you're not even in a relationship with her, and you sense she is avoiding you, backing out, or preparing to leave either way, deal with it. Last experience (Ted) an unmitigated disaster and no, I'm not over it......after what I suffered at his doing I am weary and the wiser. Problem is, you leave one bad circumstance for another........ Elizabeth Wurtzel made a point of not asking your friends or family to help you move anyhow. The knight in shining armor you will find out is a power-obsessed maniac who will fight like hell to maintain that control over you and will be limitlessly vindictive if he senses you are leaving or moving on, if he can't. Don't make that mistake! Furthermore, in light of a recent conversation I had with a guy on Facebook, don't make diminutive comments or put downs in disguise of trying to help a woman then expect her to want to go out with you.  Don't expect her to love you for making her miserable. Man up already and deal with it: she doesn't want you. Many years ago, my then boyfriend warned me about Ted and that he's up to no good and I now see he was right and regret not listening to him, and for subsequently hurting him.......yikes. It's fucked up but you live and learn.

Monday, May 12, 2014

harassment

come summer it's sad but true less layers more lewd stares, comments, laughs.......not willing to take a brush off or rejection without a "bitch" ect. This is not about fun and games and the women getting harassed have not asked for it it's merely a form of power, intimidation and abuse. Sad that it doesn't end, day after day year after year. Today's incident was of a particularly malicious nature.....I was walking by these two men were sitting nearby I did not get a good vibe from them......I looked away and walked by as quickly as possible but taking that as a re-buff these men began laughing loudly and making jeering comments. They did the same to a disabled girl who walked by. I took their picture coming back as clandestinely as possible but one guy saw me and his look was very scary and I get the feeling he will not hesitate to try to hurt me if he feels I'm challenging this but I don't have a choice. Sick, you know? Really really sick. I wonder why .......sad that such diseased scum exists among the human race. At least now we have some defense and some options. It's a real struggle though.Where do I go and what do I do? If I complain to someone they may or may not be sympathetic. The officer on duty was a guy and busy with other stuff. If I make an official complaint where will it go? Who do I complain to? I don't know. Nor do I get any enjoyment out of going to these measures. It's not like I don't have other things to do. But that's exactly the point.

Sunday, May 04, 2014

Pink Peaches Boutique

I'm completely transfixed by the Peaches Geldof death.....have been listening to Pink Floyd I saw an interview with her where she talked about the seven Bs with raising her baby.....she died on April 7 Peaches has seven letters in it my birthday is.7/25.....she was 25 =7.....heroin? Probably cut with Valium or who knows.....her mom ODed and her father starred in the Pink Floyd film morbidly depicting dope addiction.......just doesn't make sense.....

Touching bizarre

I was walking and heard "sweet caroline" by Neil Diamond blasting, I mean blasting, from somewhere.......these people were having a party and it was coming out their window. Now, my reason for writing this: Chris Brodeur aka Touching You roommated with my ex Justin for a while before they were illegally forced out on Broome St. One night Justin was playing "Sweet Caroline" super loud to annoy Chris......talking about Jesus complex? Justo Christo.....witches Broome.....Justin and I argued one night because I had told him I saw bizarre graffiti around the neighborhood. Chris B had taken some kind of chastity oath  at least for a while.....if he didn't die for our sins he at least went to jail for them. His you tube videos are quite compelling.....

Saturday, May 03, 2014

Im not saying

.......everyone should just quit their job or that business is wrong I mean.......if there was a revolution that led to a whole new system......at the ......still someone even if food were doled out ultimately someone would still have to prepare it and harvest it and put it on the plate and serve it to people......everyone has to work I am not saying that's wrong.....I mean if you choose to not have a job and panhandle then panhandling   becomes your job.....everyone needs help at some point ......everyone.....but.......work is a reality and seeing that realistically when will the revolution happen? It's another war that .......in the meantime until that happens there's the.immediate  situation as opposed to the ideal one: you have to eat  and have a roof over your head (short term goals) and this is what's available......I mean if I'm asked what are my short and long term goals what do I want I already know the answer to that. I ......if there were no Wall Street there'd probably be no City Ballet either which relies on grants......a waitress gets tips from business people so.....artists.complain about the industry being a corporation but that's also what feeds them I mean right or wrong that's how it is.......if people stopped harvesting wheat or converting soybeans to tofu or milking cows.....then......? Could we go back to picking berries off trees .....that in itself......would be exhausting.......so maybe there is an alternate way but even living as an anarchist takes exorbitant reserves of energy defying the system defending your way of life and .....so I ......someone.has to work these jobs but not everyone is.cut out to do the same work. 
How would you get from New York to London or Queens to Brooklyn.....

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Nightmares

I had two in the past 24 hours. One early this am a friend of mine and his kid had company over a polite word guys violent arrogant (Ted?) A fight broke out one was hung  upside down kid ran out I ran out back door kid was fine but.....outside somewhere. Just now.....dark moon hour of venus.....or rather moon waxing illuminated .1 percent some odd.....walking with a guy I kniw dark woods.....then I am alone, question   ......outside a house......cat runs off and gets caught in a car wheel.....horrible.....

Room

Be it ever so humble, and this is......reminds me a little of woody Allen's room in Take the Money and Run.....ha! Caribbean Harlem is the new Ave A......already I witnessed frat boy assholes in this neighborhood.....drive a sports car drive up the rents build high rises kick out the families who've been here 30 years but hey what can I do about it? Anyway for now it is......people had stated the rooms were dirty and I assumed they were  just whiny or something.....I had to clean the floor and windows......but still! A room to oneself is just that. I'm sixpence all the richer merci Dieu

Sunday, April 27, 2014

claustrophilia?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2139141/Gareth-Williams-death-claustrophilia-So-thats-theyre-called-Funny-People.html

on another note......this was the subject of a CSI episode I watched called "Mail Order Lover." Sounds really bizarre in the abstract but this was super well done.

witness and defense intimidation

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/24/arias-trial-nearing-its-conclusion/2111403/

other link

http://jodi-arias.wikispaces.com/Parallels+with+the+trial+of+Amanda+Knox 

Clarification:

Just found an amazing site which parallels the Amanda Knox/Jodi Arias "witch hunt" trials......and Jodi Arias' name sounds similar to Jeanne D'Arc or Joan of Arc, another witch hunt trial. Maybe it's just human nature to scapegoat an "other" as was said many times about Nazi Germany......though those who are the speakers for the circus know how to get under people's skin, stir up adrenaline, play on someone's emotions. They did this, can you believe it? Throw in sex.....it would affect anyone, where emotions get in the way of rational or clear thinking. The same, again misogynistic: whore, witch, femme fatale (in Henry VI part one an amazing play la Pucelle or Jeanne is called a slut, a witch, her "lusty paramours" some such......that play nearly did me in. I am sorry for, I must say, I feel like I fucked up in that one too......I must have undergone fight or flight syndrome......I ended up doing both--but anyway, as I can't undo what's done but at least can now say this was before most people knew how to read and it's fascinating to see the history as there were no newspapers, no TV or internet in the Middle Ages; there were messengers who went from town to town to speak at a public place about what was going on and.....diverging somewhat.....Joan of Arc's family and she herself were thoroughly knowledgeable and briefed on everything that was happening with the war. Mlle. D'Arc though she couldn't read knew her stuff ......but no matter that she was a Catholic and didn't have sex she was still referred to as a slut......so honestly to someone ignorant of the reality of the situation a "witch" and "conjurer" has Darth Vader-like power over people's minds, men's minds.....total bullshit of course, but myth and superstition and fear put a person in a different place   http://www.churchinhistory.org/pages/intro-sum/saint-witch.htm).....that by body language and side glances and whatnot you can control another person. Or with sex. Right. Boy, that would be lovely, wouldn't it? I still can't grasp all this, though......here's the link:
http://femme-fatale.wikispaces.com/home

so. anyway. I mean if someone disagrees with me, fine. If I am WRONG about everything and it's proven: fine. I don't fault anyone for having a different opinion. I do, however, oppose to a person slamming and insulting someone they DON'T KNOW and who has never done anything to them personally simply because they are associated with an event or ......they are divulging an ugly truth or even.....I mean killing the messenger? Or causing so much hurt to someone unnecessarily that doesn't deserve it. That they know nothing about. Oh yes, and I object to someone making genuine efforts to harm, or worse, in any number of ways, someone they don't know or anyone really because of either a projected slight or mirage or basically someone who has NEVER done anything to them; because not only is that immoral, period, it is illegal. But it's done, all the time. This is damn serious. A lot of people are in danger.....sad that it's such a wrestling match to stop this but such it is. Still, thanks to the internet more information is out there and people are able to speak out about and document what they went through for others to read. Comfort in knowing at least you're not an isolated example. Well behaved women may not make history but they are rewarded for it. I mean, there.......are many layers to this.....

Post-Conviction Jodi Arias Interview 05-08-13 Pt.1

In a way.....being the person who posted this is a hater (his rich and genius vocabulary reminds me of someone (whisper: Ted) who used the same language toward me and to attack and slam me. It speaks for itself doesn't it? And the one saying it. Ironically in posting Jodi speaking in her own words it brings much to light.....she simply is not what she is made out to be in the media and though I may be risking my life and a lot of things to speak up for her I can't just sit back and watch someone be slammed in ways they don't deserve. The people who attack her .....the men anyway, either have an agenda toward her as she is pretty and probably would have rejected them so (again like Ted) they hate and have vendettas against attractive females a) and b) probably are the type to go home drunk and rape their wives and daughters. OK. My opinion. But realistically, who would spew out, day after day (not just men, women too) this venom that is beyond what one can imagine possible to someone they have never met?????? There are people who hate George Bush, Adolf Hitler.......but there is pretty solid documentation even if imperfect on the things they did.......but no matter, honestly, how can one hate a person they don't know? I mean really hate.  If you were personally hurt by Bush or Hitler or your family that would explain it, I understand. But if neither you nor anyone you know was personally affected or harmed by this person..... I could say, someone who harms animals is the worst kind of human being who deserves whatever they get. But.....I guess that could be looked at any number of ways. But the haters of Jodi I wonder where they .....even if you believe she planned and carried out this "commitment offense" does that validate that kind of hatred? Volumes and volumes of malice in ways I never thought were possible. Who the fuck are they to call another sociopathic and narcissistic anyone can read excerpts of David Hare and oh, jeez, sociopathic, narcissistic, no emotions, and slap those generalizations on anyone. I just can't stand meanness for its own sake and bullying. Trolls, fucktards, you know who you are. I know who some of you are, too. This is fucking America (now I'm getting mad) and you've had your space and this is mine and everyone, that is everyone, has a right to their diverging opinion. You can't mess with the Constitution it's ILLEGAL. Period. I will not be forced to shut up especially by someone with the IQ (OK, my opinion) of a grain of sand. Who is anybody, speaking of "mote in ones eye" and such, to say such a thing about someone they don't know and who hasn't DONE anything to them? How much do they really care for the victim and if they did their energy should go toward helping those who are their survivors, not formulating a vessel in your mind to channel all that is wrong and fucked up about the world and hope that by doing away with the serpent/Eve you're ridding the world of sin. This person dies, sin is still everywhere. .....kind of puts a gag in America's mouth as suddenly......speaking of Italy's government and courts as corrupt like in the Amanda Knox case but then we have our own failures of a system which is supposed to protect us here. What do we do when we are vulnerable to the attacks of mad men and women and those who are supposed to defend our rights, that no one tells us we have, either turn against us, turn away period......that we are vulnerable to being raped, killed.....what have you......and nothing will be done about it? Whoever did it is yet free in the world and an innocent person gets their life and freedom taken away? Well, it happens all the time. How is that supposed to bring any closure. Of course it doesn't.

once saw a German film

where one of the characters attended a version of "Streetcar Named Desire" in German......problem with translations is people watching it don't get the reference to a particular area which is distinguished by its accents.....true anywhere that I suppose. Everywhere has its different regions and really snobbery or feeling of hierarchy......but anyway.

oh, and, on hospitality?

One of the things spoken of at this meeting I attended was hospitality interesting because I had gotten some inside clues into the Tennessee Williams play Streetcar Named Desire:The lines "please don't get up, I'm only passing through" and "whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" refer to New Orleans itself, which sustained itself on tourism and what goes with it: restaurants, prostitutes, brothels, hotels.....the business of entertaining what have you. San Martin Cabellero was their patron saint in a largely Catholic city. Seen riding on a horse maybe "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" also Saint Expedite........."Espedee"...........
The original Blanche was more raunchy and in your face than what she was made into. She was depicted wearing red ...........I always thought that play was so dreary and depressing but there was the line about deliberate cruelty being unforgivable. Who irony of ironies was watching this but Ted but whether or not he got insight into his own behavior is anyone's guess. It went right over him. Such the beauty of humans, huh?

and by the way

Other people's offensive, ignorant and degrading comments regarding moi well that's their opinion. These people do not, never have, and never will know me, ever. They have no idea what it's like to be me, who I am, they are not in my shoes, so call it knee jerking but they can GFT. Quite honestly. Not to mention their views speak for themselves and the person who has them. Narrow minded bigotry.....what so jabs at you?

continuing.....

Saw a couple clips of the movie Casino looks pretty good.......for the first time I watched the Sopranos a few times .......

so: lists? personal issues and don't want to divulge too much partly for safety reasons. But due to my hard work things are clearing up.

I downloaded an app which makes to do lists and I suffered horrible anxiety with this and  schedules that I admit is my achilles heel because a list suddenly becomes as long as the dictionary......SO much to do and have to do it RIGHT NOW......then it blows up in your face. But ......check something off yes I am relieved that bit is done even if what is there looks like a tornado hit it. But that's a start, right?

recovery

After two weeks......incredibly treacherous.....someone whom I had known pretty well in Chicago, in another life (that Katy Perry song was on the radio which is incredibly depressing and disturbing) passed away and there were many problems with him but I found myself feeling sad and guilty.....there's so much ...... I felt like I'd let a lot of people down. Well, but at least not for lack of trying. Even when I felt at times like I was dying I kept up journals, kept running, dancing, working, looking for work, cleaning......and kept focused to the point where I was literally physically worn out. What's of the mind uses what's in you biologically. This am I attended a church service which......I don't call myself religious or indoctrinated but more spiritual still these people had been helpful to me at times so I try to give what I can back......so maybe I let him and others down--I don't know why I felt obligated except that --this persistent feeling like--there are those who say if you love someone enough you should be willing to die for them. But if I died it would hurt a lot of people and it wouldn't make their lives better because they would have deep persistent wounds from my absence......so in dying for someone are you really helping them? Someone who will be permanently scarred by your leaving? Or even if you're falling apart it affects others emotionally.....so I felt like I owe it to myself of course but others too to stay together and not come unglued which I could have and nearly did. All due to a person who......or need I state the obvious? I'll leave it unsaid. But this is his doing and I am not about to forget that or let it go. He was also, years ago, the cause, or part of anyway, the pain and hurt of someone else I was close to. He has caused so many so much loss, so much injury.......he's just going to continue doing more of the same until he is put in a place where he can't get away with it. I'm sorry but that's the truth. Yet the wheels of justice are rusty and slow moving. It's sad, you know?
BUT. This person is now officially out of my life. James Woods once made a comment a little vulgar but it applies here. Don't know if I want to say it. It's......

Thursday, April 24, 2014

But moving on, back to life

I have a lot to do and it's daunting: ........the.......I felt like I'd been run over. The fourth of July victory but at what price? Still breathing if broken and bloodied. And in pain. Grieving? The sniper is still out there....... what am I supposed to feel? Here I am every breath every movement is pain pain I'm thinking should I just die.....but I don't. .....I break out in song and dance cuz hey.....I'm still alive? I've been through hell I've been bloodied bad but here I still am..... 
So in London yes by all means study abroad I'm not saying don't. My next goal is to study in South America. But you know people don't tell you about the danger. I think the day I was held hostage in London the American embassy in Kenya was bombed. But it's overwhelming to imagine: being no longer you with your life as you know it you're now someone or something with a label on them which has you think anyway little to do with you..... ok the Nairobi (a place I'd wanted to visit) bombing happened the week before I remember specifically because my incident happened on the 13th of August ......the British cop (and they are damn scary, one of the many cryptic films we'd seen had Tim Roth being brutally tortured in prison) saying, "The sum of thuh-teen pounds, Thursday, August thuh-teenth" and I don't think I even knew about it until the next day. Three years before the 9/11 attacks, anyway the world was introduced to, to quickly forget......al queada. After getting robbed, I was broke, terrified I would not be able to leave, scheduled to go to Scotland.....off I went. More films of that caliber......but in that area (kings cross)I had seen many men walking around who could be Rudy Guede truth is .....that incident could have happened where I was and probably the only reason it didn't was because the place I was staying in had very tight security who had been on high alert when my key was lost.  And.....more later.....ah......August 13.....the day the Berlin Wall was constructed. The fall of the wall and my subsequent exile to Chicago but another time for that......

"Witch hunt"

So anyone who ever visited a meditation bookstore or read their horoscope.in the local paper could be a witch. Or if you have never done any if the above no matter. Ironic.....Christianity has a long history of witchcraft, most of the accused witches had never associated with it, and, some one once said, the "real" witches walked between the raindrops because they knew how to protect themselves. Amanda Knox is not and never has been a witch and maybe the "femme fatale" is a myth that doesn't exist in reality actually a misogynist "woman as the source of all evil" superstition. I said before Ted was the devil with devil's eyes I think I should clarify..... because that.....makes me one to also .... ..this person Ted really DID cause me nearly unparalleled pain, loss and psychological trauma. He really DOES have bad intentions. He is .....someone who seeks out situations in which he has an edge over someone vulnerable is use them to his advantage and maliciously torment, abuse and degrade them because for that moment it gives him a sense of power. Need I state the obvious: that kind of behavior is vile, sick and cowardly and only the lowest of the low would do such a thing. That such individuals exist who would hurt an innocent being who has never done anything to them.....I'm not going to mince words I have nothing but contempt for someone like that. Make no mistake, Ted knew what he was doing. I will never forgive him.
Back to the Amanda haters and the same thing exists in other situations......it dumbfounds me to think this predatory and senseless mob mentality doesn't end and......the way something could appear on the surface.....that has ......it's not backed up by anything except  a fantasy, really. Amanda never did anything to any of these people. She could have been any number of other
Women. She was and is just a regular person. The random out of the blue bad luck of this is hard to wrap your brain around. A girl was brutally killed for no reason (speaking of sacrifice.....Iphegenia? This was a bloody, sadistic slaughter) another was naive and in the wrong place at the wrong time. She did a yoga stretch bought panties and pecked her.boyfriend on the lips but even if she'd behaved like a nun it didn't matter as it was already decided. The.......... What am I supposed to say? I want to at least give a person a chance to speak a chance. But all I personally see are jabs, insults, threats.....generic pop psych generalizations you could slap on anybody......... Having been a forex student myself.....it's not easy. You're an immigrant, a foreigner, one of "them" and "they" being smug, greedy thieves......a spoiled smug prick, basically. Natives aren't always friendly they assume that you, being a tourist, have a lot of money, anyway you have more than they do. They're going about their lives and you're on vacation. You're no longer ;you" as you know your life. You are now "they." Add to that feeling perpetually disoriented and really like a hunted dog, all the time. I had tried to read Charles Dickens and had grown up with "Oliver" relentlessly grim and depressing "you've got to pick a pocket or two" but of course thus was a quaint, archaic depiction of London right and it was safe now, right? Wrong! This was no myth. People in my group had witnessed violence in the streets and a stabbing as well .....ironically I had been attempting to read David Copperfield when my bag was taken and with it my money and keys (I got hell for that from security now I see why) which led to the fiasco in a phone calling center where I was nearly kidnapped my father on the phone long distance)  such things are pretty common place. I hadn't yet read the biography of John Lyndon "Johnny Rotten" and anyway, thus only happened in bad neighborhoods.
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/the-amanda-knox-verdict-isnt-justice-for-meredith-kercher-its-a-witchhunt-9101549.html

Had a nightmare

About Ted. Basically his face. Yesterday was difficult. I'm still here though.....that man; is  a sick, sadistic, vile soulless beast : his eyes reveal his real self: beady, black and hate-filled. Getting involved with him is the worst thing I ever did. His one Achilles heel is his heart the one thing that will do him in in the end.....nothing but a void. A dishonor his is to his own people.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Dreams

Had some furiously intense ones in the past 48 hours there are those moments when  you just want to sleep and heaven knows I needed it. This am I dreamt I was in prison and the cop who put me there was demanding sexual favors, bringing me to a room with a swimming piol filled with gases "truth serum" I didn't want to go in.....but was forced to. I was slowly being asphyxiated maybe relevant to a conversation I had with someone about Hitler and surrounding controversial videos about him..... but hey I feel for anyone who is a victim of injustice. I have had my own experiences in a different way. A couple years ago this girl who was a Hunter student was killed by her boyfriend......horrific incident she was only around 20 years old. The neighbors heard screaming too but did anyone call 911? I have had to call the cops most recently on my ex roommate Ted, a madman who belongs in jail, he should have fun being someone's bitch since that's how he views women......and last week on an insane couple who were mistreating a child. One for law and order!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

To

Occupy your own space, to gain a measure of autonomy and determine your own life is often an ugly, uphill, dirty battle, fought to the death at times but a necessary one. Exploitation and oppression are the shadow of human history and there are those who will see you as a thing to commodify and own, if it benefits them .....up until a few years ago I had thought and been taught to believe there is some rationality in how people behave and to life and the world. My recent experiences negate all that and there is simply .......why would someone attack another who has done nothing to them? What.....they don't now or ever did a have a "right" to me or anyone but in their mind they think they do..... no understanding of why they do something.....only that I was very unfortunate to come under their radar and.....be forewarned! I'll never understand it pissed off as I am and having had to fight like hell.....you won't hear me singing this person's praises. If I am writing nasty stuff about someone I assure you it's because I have valid reason. But the fact that there is no logical sequence to this is what shakes me up the most.....Nothing good can come of association with some people and the most recent one could have killed me the only thing that saved me was........in all this turbulence I had some knowledge if limited experience in .....I was able to .....it was sheer will, really. And realizing that some things happen .....some people's behavior has .....has no rational basis whatsoever and there is simply no understanding of it. It's who they are, it's what they do and it doesn't make sense but it is intolerable. To struggle against it is to put yourself at risk but to accept it is impossible. When all stakes are down, that's when true friends show themselves and anyone who takes advantage if you or kicks you when you're vulnerable is not your friend.

Back......

There has been some back and forth about the meaning of Easter.....ya de ya it used to be a pagan holiday .....all I can say is that I myself felt the dark and the light.....got my things from Spuytin Duyvil and boy did I fuck up on that one. A waste of time and I take responsibility for not making a more concerted effort. In these situations you hope and expect to leave quietly but if the other person won't let go or move on..... I have gone from feeling angry sick sad terrified relieved.....and like I failed though I ......did and didn't. And the wrong ness of it all. Because not everyone out there is a nice person. Some are downright scum who never should have been born. I do not envy those who brought them into the world. I have experienced some great people and some horrible people both.....but in the end I have too much to give to capitulate and they have nothing to give.....they are the kind who merely take and take til you have nothing left. Do NOT ignore your gut feeling about a person and don't listen to the chorus of folks who will tell you they're wonderful people because that isn't true. It simply isn't.
So.
Every year I go through this the descent into hell and rebirth and I have. So yes for that.....

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Amanda Knox Trial & Media Fiasco with Jim Clemente (+playlist)

wow really compelling.....there is no evidence against her because she didn't do it.....

Sunday, April 06, 2014

13 everywhere!

More on this later. I am better after a nasty bout with hay fever and this cold blast was awful.....I got caught in it. My face is splotchy reddened and pasty I look like an English boy.....

Connections

You go here, think you're removed from there but you're not. He was like a figure out of a Fred Astaire film, but even then I could sense something too perfect.....coming from a house of constant chaos.....amazingly they in a way resembled each other.......polar opposites yet both came to the same place for different reasons.....even the way he described sounded like out of a Sherlock Holmes story but this was not Sherlock.....crime solving not his cup of tea.....have to say this is fascinating.....

Friday, April 04, 2014

I have returned

Sorry for my absence.......I went through some calamity with a person I made the mistake of renting a space from.....my stuff is there my diaries birth certificate candles clothes.....fault me but I just couldn't go back there. This person is in the wrong and I was forced to fight back.....I have known him a long time and oh! Listen to your instinct always! Plus I have lost clothes subsequently to get more. Right now I have a headache and am recovering from fever and chills. Oh, yes, this and trying to apply for health insurance.
On the up side......I am reading about back and forth Oscar Pistorius and Reeva Steenkamp and the Speck murders in Chicago. A close family friend had been at the crime scene and was naturally devastated......ha. Call it a barf fest.....but who wouldn't? It occurs to me maybe these crimes are political as well.