He is.....

Saw another spider

I was washing rather running water in the bathtub and saw what I thought was dirt but it was a spider maybe the size of my fingerprint, black. Lordie me I don't know what kind. It was struggling to climb up the wet tub I slid a towel its way to help it. Crawling toward me. After not a good two days.....I am feeling red flowing love and blood in me opening up and spilling out also in my heart cloud of cold black hate and god that is not in me.....walking on 13th street I was hearing beautiful but cryptic and haunting music.....like I was dreaming. Kept walking.....out of another bar I heard happy bouncing music thinking this is out of place but then I looked in and it was dark so you could barely see with red lights and then another red and black bar not so much hell but like Hades or the stories of the underworld. I have been reading about trauma and how it splits a person's psyche in pieces and people become multiple personalities not like schizophrenia but more like psychologically a new self is "born".....one splits off and disassociates. I at times felt myself outside myself seeing down .....another "me" somewhere in me took over. I felt physically sick and have been. I am better now. Like something happened to me but that never really happened. My soul psyche splintered into a million pieces. If time is a dimension and there are several parallel universes and somewhere my personal drama is being repeated as is everyone's.....I felt like the devil, or something, was sitting beside me was in me.....cheesy Murray Head song.....but like I am lucid and awake but in a dream state. This without any drugs btw.....after feeling awful and like I was crushed and sliced open by a recent event suddenly seeing the spider omen of luck I somehow escaped death so I am thankful for that.....

Baillando

Dreamt I was preparing to go onstage and dance, then I did, but forgot the music. Steps were right. The song in my head was by Cirrus.

Velvet the book Alec Kalla and MJ Sullivan

I eat this stuff up but I guess that's human nature. Solving them. I read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle earlier this year which gave me insight when watching the show Sherlock.
......this character Hank Easton for all his chauvinism is quite likable...
..I went into a restaurant this morning and the Pixies song "Where is my Mind" was on the radio.....many bone chilling coincidences.....that was used on a freaky episode of Criminal Minds. Sylvia Plath wrote : "a grey wall clawed and bloody/is there no way out of the mind?"

McDs in the UK

the UK is infamous for its food I can remember ordering a veggie Burger with "salad" which turned out to be a piece of lettuce and tomato. I have to say French Mac Donald's and Swiss had amazing "coffee" even in the UK their version of Starbucks was also and I am very sensitive to coffee I rarely drink it. In France and Switzerland they give you a little piece of chocolate with what is like cafe con leche the only good ones I ever had in NYC I got at a Dominican restaurant in Washington Heights where I lived summer of 2000.....having left a guy and starting my new life.....then......John Digweeds LA mix had just come out and was a huge suceess and genius .....anyway this video has some nice 20s ragtime/Dixieland music in the background.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_Fm-LYJ91k&feature=youtube_gdata_player

educational video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WlVDFRYViw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

venus in the am

one better aspect of hauling ass out of be at ungodly early hours.....seeing the venus planet in the sky. in the east.....

Elliot Rodger cont'd

I have to say whatever his story is I just saw a picture of him in the dark it almost gave me a heart attack.....

Elliot Rodger mispelled his name sorry

According to Wikipedia he uploaded the YouTube video at 9:17 pm or in police/military time 2100 hours 17 minutes something like that this other site says they were uploaded 10 hours later than that so.....? confused.

Elliot Roger continued.....

Why do these things come in a flash? I have to take time out of my day to write it as it comes.......despite my busy schedule. But so it is. I don't even like to read though I do.....not enough. Lately my reading has been online and youtube videos. I read people's everyday testimonies rather than Camut who my sister reads. I have read Simone de Beauvoir though and she wrote about the "ennui" that engulfs Hollywood among other places and the atmosphere of boredom I mean this is her not me. But I felt that immediately watching these videos. The objectification of people and obsession with things like cars which like humans fall prey to thermodynamics inevitably. So.....I'm just not materialistic and the people I know who are I wish I did not know. I have never met a person obsessed with objects who did not also have a serial killer mentality not to mention a complete lack of morals. Not saying don't have nice stuff or have nothing but to have something to apply to good use in your life is one thing. To have it just to have it is a way of hiding something. Anyway......maybe that's a telling thing right there. I watched part of a French film La Ceremonies which speaks of the same atmosphere of boredom in the French bourgeoisie which drives two female servants to senseless killing so it isn't just America. Still......facts be told if he shot himself in his car why is the window broken and nearly gone and there no blood? There should be blood everywhere. Even in the videos there is a glare of sunlight on the screen it could be reflecting from the camera lens but it looks like a window reflection. So.....this is my take so far.

That last post immediately got a ton of hits from all over the world. But yes, if this video was intended for youtube why was it uploaded after his death? And he went on a rant in one video about a couple making out in front of him but you cant see them.

Elliot Roger

This morning I watched his "Manifesto" video. At least as much as I could before honestly getting a little bored as he seemed to be repeating himself. I have to say it doesn't make sense. He is pissed off over being rejected and given it could be a high school situation that I am thankful I never went through. I was bullied in elementary and junior high and the truth is when you're under attack that trauma you went through never leaves you. I will always be thankful for whatever it is that kept me going, kept me alive. I recently had something revealed to me that I am always grateful for. As bad as things felt and seemed at times it felt like the end but after all it wasn't. There's so much I'd have missed if I had ended it there. But that doesn't seem to be the situation here no one was attacking this guy and he had a million options therapy and medication among them, truthfully he could have paid for sex this is southern California. I have known men far less attractive than him who had girlfriends and sex in their lives thes mens personalities worse than their looks. Elliot Roger's birthday is July 24 one day before mine. There are legions of youtube videos saying this was staged and fake so if this guy is an actor where is he now? His features are very distinguishable do they have plastic surgery? What would be the point of faking your life and identity then disappearing from public view? I've heard of people faking death for the same reasons.......to escape fame anything is possible. but not being there physically how can I tell?

Jesus was a "bitch"?

yes lets face it all religions derived from others but
forgive me I am writing sloppily I am worn out and not really inspired but nonetheless it has to be said somehow. this due to some things in my personal life I was reading about revelations and the number seven is prominent in my life (July 25) but it lead me to the story of Inanna which I read many years ago but forgot. anyway the story is she descended to the underworld (seven of them as well as seven heavens) and this time with her husband managed to fight her way out......I was born on Sunday Sabbath Day too.......my mom had a canvas embroidery of that poem on her wall.....watching the news lordie another school shooting! I don't know if these stories are real or not I wasn't there, as per last post.......merely reporting on what I see.....anyhow yes I know well the story of Persephone which is also highly similar to the Jesus resurrection.....many if not all.cultures have one similar or nearly the same I just don't know them all. in my personal experience..... this is heavy. I don't know if I can go into this.....

So-CALled hoax?

This is so sick but God its brilliant.......
The premise being that the tragedy in what was it? Island vista may have been staged I mean who knows.....I know people who went to elementary through high school in the barrios of NYC and Chicago with gun shots going through the windows, though maybe the difference was that gang members weren't targeting children intentionally as they are not without ethics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQEcVbixRhM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

L and O

AMAZING EPISODE  of Law and Order CI




Luv me some Vincent D'Onofrio
…….Someone had complained about Hollywood stereotypes but I know that Central Casting was invented simply because it's true in film and TV people are cast according to type: jolly fat friend, buxom dumb blonde, high school football player, black gangster, Jewish lawyer ect I mean I'm not saying it's right but given that casting and filmmaking are expensive and short on time they don't try to decipher every actor's range and complexity there just; it would be more or less impossible so people are divided according to their head shots age range body/eye/height/weight/personality leading lady vs. character actor vs….whatever. . But…..shrug. I've sent out many head shots and been to many auditions it never really occurred to me I was always cast as the kooky red-haired side kick; once I…..and I think to myself I actually agreed to do this: was cast as a monkey, literally. I was in fairly good shape so I and a guy put on monkey noses and brown leotards and tights and jumped around in the Hunter College lounge, and made squeaking monkey noises. My boyfriend at the time wanted to come see this and I told him not to; please don't. Too bad they weren't making 2001:The Dawn of Man at the time I could have had a SAG/waiver role; if that counts as dialogue. I'm not saying stereotyping is inevitable: many films and shows have made efforts to go against that but it still goes on…….
I read that D'Onofrio after Full Metal Jacket had trouble getting cast as anything but the "fat guy" until he got in shape eventually ended up here. 
He's incredibly charismatic and……this show rocks period…..this episode in particular well I guess one that stands out.  Having been to a few funerals: I guess in my mind I wonder who does the work with corpses either as a medical examiner (I had thought of doing that) or mortician which I know I'd fuck up wouldn't even consider. On the show they talked about stuffing cotton in the person's butt and other stuff……oh God……On this show someone had protested that that goes against "God" I suppose blame the Egyptians didn't they invent embalming? So on this show they visit a crematorium I suppose that sparks a curiosity since my father was cremated. The ashes, or so-called, of one person are examined and it turns out they are mostly sawdust and not human. Oh yes, "repositioning" I mean I have to be curious about who does this. I read an essay by a girl who'd been a student of a professor I know that was fascinating about how she was studying to be a mortician in my mind I never thought of it much just Morticia Adams. I know, kind of dumb but that's what I think…….
I have dreams about a cemetery, really nightmares……that I used to visit with my best friend when I was around age 9 or 10.

Aeysha was a Scorpio and this one was right next door to the building we both lived in.  This cemetery was particularly just……I don't want to say "evil" but the vibe simply wasn't good. Maybe there was a ghost of a killer or someone who died a terrible death or……and I love cemeteries. This one is by Lake Michigan in Evanston near the Chicago border, Howard. The people who worked at this graveyard used to chase us and we had reason to be scared of them as we would always end up running out of there. Aeysha snuck into this place one Halloween with friends of hers though I wasn't there for that. Her sister once threw an amazing, amazing Halloween bash once I remember. I suppose this episode made me think of this plus: the times that family members passed on I was maybe fortunately for me not left with handling the details "Death is expensive, Miss Stella!" With my situation it'd be impossible maybe. Just found this!!!!! Cavalry Cemetery never even knew this was the name. If Seaweed Charlie ever came out of the lake I never saw him though I dream about it all the time to this day (Michigan) the rising of the tides and the waves would get pretty steep though compared to the ones in Hawaii they are probably pretty limp. The boy grave is particularly disturbing.


 But whatever. I never saw the ocean til I was eight, that or palm trees……when my aunt was kind enough to take me on a family trip to Fort Lauderdale.

Simple Minds/Peter Gabriel

A little over a year ago I was watching this video and had an awful feeling. A few hours later the news came out about Reeva Steenkamp's murder. "The eyes of the world are watching you" .....last night I watched this same video and......what words? The random acts of shooting in Europe and California, bizarre meteor shower........"silicon chip inside her head" that was 1979. A car crash that killed one girl and put her sister on a coma last night I had a horrible feeling like I was encapsulated in a dark cloud I got the nine of swords on a Tarot reading, queen of swords in reverse: female stalker and spying. Don't you love it when women fuck over women.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewK_Pdj0GCQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Retribution......Echoes of.........

*clears throat* I have to say it: Ted.
I did not want to face a terrifying predicament of something so overpoweringly drastic but I suffered due to this man's deliberate intentional sadistic brutality. What this young man, who is not unattractive, says could have been scripted by Ted word for word. I made no secret of the fact that I thought he was dangerous and face facts I bolted from the scene too traumatized and afraid to even go back and get my things. I was forced to call the cops which was incredibly harrowing. Plus  a hotline and furthermore I was punished and made a pariah because of him......all because I didn't....... I was making moves to leave and that's when stalkers are the most deadly. That post on report your ex got taken down surely due to that scumbags maneuvering where he was accused of rape, threats to kidnap, breaking and entering none of which I'd put past him. Why was nothing done? Kidnap and take the kid across the Canadian border this a matter for Interpol. I have only suspicion but .....his friends need to stop being in denial or protecting him he is a malicious, vindictive cruel and dangerous man. I truly believe that .....last week I had to call the cops on a neighbor who was beating up his girlfriend. Why me the burden?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQUW3Km01BM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

This does sound familiar

Call it what it is: hate crime against women. The shooting of a model on the subway a few years ago, in NYC.....a friend of mine made that remark. Not taking no for an answer. I have known men like this heaven help you if you come under their radar.....unfortunately it takes a drastic incident like this before anything is done. The resources are inadequate.

Who's behind the California shooting rampage? http://www.cnn.com//2014/05/24/us/california-shooting-suspect/index.html

Had one of these earlier

3 am when I was watching the Boomtown Rats. I have a really bad sense of direction walked the wrong way.....maybe cause I am left handed I do everything in reverse go right when I should go left ect.....

The Definitive Ranking Of Veggie Burgers http://bzfd.it/1hkVAKx

California shooting

I kind of skimmed through this but it seems this happened simultaneously with what happened in Belgium. Southern California, when I was researching flights to LA. Is this the Laura effect again? The Spencer shootings occurred in San Diego the south. This is one of those "beautiful girl whole life ahead of her why did she do this?" Type of things.....

Brenda Ann Spencer

Oops my bad. 1979. California. USA of course.....she shot people at her school. 15 years later the Columbine attacks.....

Attack in Brussels pt. 2

I was watching this video must have been 3 am or so sitting in a coffee shop after work (as I do around the clock) I remember live aid (listen to that crowd!). I'd never heard this group before. One of these Tea Party conspiracy theory youtube stations which I'd rather not name .....couldn't stop laughing at this: discussing Peaches' possible murder/cover up (don't want to say too much) said something about her father......something like eco terrorist.........the man host described him as "tax people for breathing".......I'm thinking if that's the worst of his offenses I can think of people who've done more......I mean there was scads and scads of unrest in the 80s punk rock had everything to do with it. There were a lot of casualties and it was an uphill battle but it lead to the end of apartheid and the fall if the Berlin Wall. If I remember this right an article I read said Bob Geld of descends from Belgian Jews who emigrated..... not sure if that's right word......to Ireland. Something like that. This song was written about an incident where I think a girl went to her high school and shot a bunch of people, reason being she didn't like Mondays. 1985. Before Columbine.......we all went to high school sheesh this could have been any of us. Listening to this made me think of Pretty in Pink......just very 80s esque.......

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdA-2oXzk10&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Attack in Brussels

I used to hang out in Washington Sq. Park as I lived in the Village it's amazing how you think you've seen every kind of insanity possible but there are infinite degrees.  This came out after I'd just read about someone who is of Belgian Jewish descent.

http://m.bbc.com/news/world-europe-27558918

Edward Glover......found one of his books

The Roots of Crime. Just beginning......at the time being gay was considered criminal. For all the errors it makes for an interesting read........

lack of sleep and taskmastering, trying to.....

I have a terror of list making but do anyhow.1) med 
2)danc
3) po
4) ru 
5)cal
6) hou 
7) cgapp
8) scoapt
9) REFE
10) PObp


 ......only I can unerstand.......for a reason. 


Have been putting together new material and getting back in shape after being injured a year ago and other things.......that I've written on elsewhere. Found a song very gorgeous, maudlin and sexy thought it was good to use. But then found out about the passing of someone, and thought this is so morbidly depressing although I feel love for the one gone, and there are too many......I just don't want to be depressed anymore. So found something from an essential mix of one of my favorite djs......that still figures in. Upbeat and crazy.

Lostprophets Popworld Xmas......oh boy.....

Child abuser and convicted pedo Ian Watkins as Santa......wonder whose idea this was......"what was the highlight?" "kids....." this does not make for easy reading. It was the women/girls who gave this man their babies to abuse, to put it nicely.......whom Peaches Geldof outed on Twitter before getting in trouble. To some, she blabbed a little too much. Five months later, she was dead of an overdose. Or so it was ruled. Overall, very sad. Young beautiful people with loads of potential.....

The Doors Movie - Light My Fire Ed Sullivan Show

Been a while since I saw this film......remembered this scene just recently..........

2 Unlimited - No Limit (1993)

When I was in Jersey City and my phone went out and I felt like I was being sealed into my own mausoleum.......the crunch yoga tape was the light peeking out from the rock. Super duper saturated and syrupy but in proportion in the reverse.........it was Sara Ivanhoe. I had no music, no phone, no email......just a jagged house built after the 9/11 attacks an ugly brown rug that I scrubbed as per directions a back yard with an old, abandoned tire and floorboards that hadn't been touched in 15 years.......a window that didn't close......my friends visited me periodically thank heaven one of those times I may as well have been exiled......anyway this video reminds me of that. Pretty over the top.

who knew

they were watching history of unimaginable proportions in the happening..........they must"ve.......Simone de Beauvoir wrote about humans having "opposable thumb" the thing to starting civilization out of a wilderness......use of tools. So it's going on still yet.......?



Dawn of Man



     
Cat learns to use fork, spoon, chopsticks

High Anxiety.....

  Doesn't even have to be that sophisticated.....


http://electronicharassment.weebly.com/  

One occupational hazard.....

Working as a reporter in the field.....

Journalist "Disappeared" From Egyptian Prison Could Die Within Days http://bzfd.it/1mVvbLc

truth be told

I'm not really mean. I acted mean at times. I have been enraged and had my battles. Guess I can't deny it. I don't wake up or go to sleep with diabolical intentions to hurt people......you'd have to have REALLY fucked with me to make me want to do that. I have been thinking about the Jodi Arias case again I have to say I am sorry for what happened to Travis and for what his family is going through. I understand the pain and struggles they've talked about. I don't really know what happened to him (as in who did this) or why. Just that my deepest intuition, which I know is not error-proof, tells me Jodi is not a bad person, far from it, and that she shouldn't be where she is. ? For now......

last post

that was a little harsh.......intended for certain people though.

Distressing morning.......has been abated somewhat.

cheating?

Why Men Cheat
Why Women Cheat........


http://www.intenserelations.com/15-reasons-why-women-cheat/7/



It sucks that that happens to anybody but truth be told too many men don't treat their women right .......having been there I can only say that men need to know women are not their property they do not own them or have a "right" to them. You can't just treat someone badly and keep inflicting pain and unhappiness on them and expect them to love you for it. Or deliberately in a way that is slighting, disrespectful and offensive all because you feel slighted. Along comes Mr. Charming with the kind words, the flattery the gifts and if he's reasonably attractive then ......bam! If you're not even in a relationship with her, and you sense she is avoiding you, backing out, or preparing to leave either way, deal with it. Last experience (Ted) an unmitigated disaster and no, I'm not over it......after what I suffered at his doing I am weary and the wiser. Problem is, you leave one bad circumstance for another........ Elizabeth Wurtzel made a point of not asking your friends or family to help you move anyhow. The knight in shining armor you will find out is a power-obsessed maniac who will fight like hell to maintain that control over you and will be limitlessly vindictive if he senses you are leaving or moving on, if he can't. Don't make that mistake! Furthermore, in light of a recent conversation I had with a guy on Facebook, don't make diminutive comments or put downs in disguise of trying to help a woman then expect her to want to go out with you.  Don't expect her to love you for making her miserable. Man up already and deal with it: she doesn't want you. Many years ago, my then boyfriend warned me about Ted and that he's up to no good and I now see he was right and regret not listening to him, and for subsequently hurting him.......yikes. It's fucked up but you live and learn.

harassment

come summer it's sad but true less layers more lewd stares, comments, laughs.......not willing to take a brush off or rejection without a "bitch" ect. This is not about fun and games and the women getting harassed have not asked for it it's merely a form of power, intimidation and abuse. Sad that it doesn't end, day after day year after year. Today's incident was of a particularly malicious nature.....I was walking by these two men were sitting nearby I did not get a good vibe from them......I looked away and walked by as quickly as possible but taking that as a re-buff these men began laughing loudly and making jeering comments. They did the same to a disabled girl who walked by. I took their picture coming back as clandestinely as possible but one guy saw me and his look was very scary and I get the feeling he will not hesitate to try to hurt me if he feels I'm challenging this but I don't have a choice. Sick, you know? Really really sick. I wonder why .......sad that such diseased scum exists among the human race. At least now we have some defense and some options. It's a real struggle though.Where do I go and what do I do? If I complain to someone they may or may not be sympathetic. The officer on duty was a guy and busy with other stuff. If I make an official complaint where will it go? Who do I complain to? I don't know. Nor do I get any enjoyment out of going to these measures. It's not like I don't have other things to do. But that's exactly the point.

Pink Peaches Boutique

I'm completely transfixed by the Peaches Geldof death.....have been listening to Pink Floyd I saw an interview with her where she talked about the seven Bs with raising her baby.....she died on April 7 Peaches has seven letters in it my birthday is.7/25.....she was 25 =7.....heroin? Probably cut with Valium or who knows.....her mom ODed and her father starred in the Pink Floyd film morbidly depicting dope addiction.......just doesn't make sense.....

Touching bizarre

I was walking and heard "sweet caroline" by Neil Diamond blasting, I mean blasting, from somewhere.......these people were having a party and it was coming out their window. Now, my reason for writing this: Chris Brodeur aka Touching You roommated with my ex Justin for a while before they were illegally forced out on Broome St. One night Justin was playing "Sweet Caroline" super loud to annoy Chris......talking about Jesus complex? Justo Christo.....witches Broome.....Justin and I argued one night because I had told him I saw bizarre graffiti around the neighborhood. Chris B had taken some kind of chastity oath  at least for a while.....if he didn't die for our sins he at least went to jail for them. His you tube videos are quite compelling.....

Im not saying

.......everyone should just quit their job or that business is wrong I mean.......if there was a revolution that led to a whole new system......at the ......still someone even if food were doled out ultimately someone would still have to prepare it and harvest it and put it on the plate and serve it to people......everyone has to work I am not saying that's wrong.....I mean if you choose to not have a job and panhandle then panhandling   becomes your job.....everyone needs help at some point ......everyone.....but.......work is a reality and seeing that realistically when will the revolution happen? It's another war that .......in the meantime until that happens there's the.immediate  situation as opposed to the ideal one: you have to eat  and have a roof over your head (short term goals) and this is what's available......I mean if I'm asked what are my short and long term goals what do I want I already know the answer to that. I ......if there were no Wall Street there'd probably be no City Ballet either which relies on grants......a waitress gets tips from business people so.....artists.complain about the industry being a corporation but that's also what feeds them I mean right or wrong that's how it is.......if people stopped harvesting wheat or converting soybeans to tofu or milking cows.....then......? Could we go back to picking berries off trees .....that in itself......would be exhausting.......so maybe there is an alternate way but even living as an anarchist takes exorbitant reserves of energy defying the system defending your way of life and .....so I ......someone.has to work these jobs but not everyone is.cut out to do the same work. 
How would you get from New York to London or Queens to Brooklyn.....

Nightmares

I had two in the past 24 hours. One early this am a friend of mine and his kid had company over a polite word guys violent arrogant (Ted?) A fight broke out one was hung  upside down kid ran out I ran out back door kid was fine but.....outside somewhere. Just now.....dark moon hour of venus.....or rather moon waxing illuminated .1 percent some odd.....walking with a guy I kniw dark woods.....then I am alone, question   ......outside a house......cat runs off and gets caught in a car wheel.....horrible.....

Room

Be it ever so humble, and this is......reminds me a little of woody Allen's room in Take the Money and Run.....ha! Caribbean Harlem is the new Ave A......already I witnessed frat boy assholes in this neighborhood.....drive a sports car drive up the rents build high rises kick out the families who've been here 30 years but hey what can I do about it? Anyway for now it is......people had stated the rooms were dirty and I assumed they were  just whiny or something.....I had to clean the floor and windows......but still! A room to oneself is just that. I'm sixpence all the richer merci Dieu

claustrophilia?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2139141/Gareth-Williams-death-claustrophilia-So-thats-theyre-called-Funny-People.html

on another note......this was the subject of a CSI episode I watched called "Mail Order Lover." Sounds really bizarre in the abstract but this was super well done.

witness and defense intimidation

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/04/24/arias-trial-nearing-its-conclusion/2111403/

other link

http://jodi-arias.wikispaces.com/Parallels+with+the+trial+of+Amanda+Knox 

Clarification:

Just found an amazing site which parallels the Amanda Knox/Jodi Arias "witch hunt" trials......and Jodi Arias' name sounds similar to Jeanne D'Arc or Joan of Arc, another witch hunt trial. Maybe it's just human nature to scapegoat an "other" as was said many times about Nazi Germany......though those who are the speakers for the circus know how to get under people's skin, stir up adrenaline, play on someone's emotions. They did this, can you believe it? Throw in sex.....it would affect anyone, where emotions get in the way of rational or clear thinking. The same, again misogynistic: whore, witch, femme fatale (in Henry VI part one an amazing play la Pucelle or Jeanne is called a slut, a witch, her "lusty paramours" some such......that play nearly did me in. I am sorry for, I must say, I feel like I fucked up in that one too......I must have undergone fight or flight syndrome......I ended up doing both--but anyway, as I can't undo what's done but at least can now say this was before most people knew how to read and it's fascinating to see the history as there were no newspapers, no TV or internet in the Middle Ages; there were messengers who went from town to town to speak at a public place about what was going on and.....diverging somewhat.....Joan of Arc's family and she herself were thoroughly knowledgeable and briefed on everything that was happening with the war. Mlle. D'Arc though she couldn't read knew her stuff ......but no matter that she was a Catholic and didn't have sex she was still referred to as a slut......so honestly to someone ignorant of the reality of the situation a "witch" and "conjurer" has Darth Vader-like power over people's minds, men's minds.....total bullshit of course, but myth and superstition and fear put a person in a different place   http://www.churchinhistory.org/pages/intro-sum/saint-witch.htm).....that by body language and side glances and whatnot you can control another person. Or with sex. Right. Boy, that would be lovely, wouldn't it? I still can't grasp all this, though......here's the link:
http://femme-fatale.wikispaces.com/home

so. anyway. I mean if someone disagrees with me, fine. If I am WRONG about everything and it's proven: fine. I don't fault anyone for having a different opinion. I do, however, oppose to a person slamming and insulting someone they DON'T KNOW and who has never done anything to them personally simply because they are associated with an event or ......they are divulging an ugly truth or even.....I mean killing the messenger? Or causing so much hurt to someone unnecessarily that doesn't deserve it. That they know nothing about. Oh yes, and I object to someone making genuine efforts to harm, or worse, in any number of ways, someone they don't know or anyone really because of either a projected slight or mirage or basically someone who has NEVER done anything to them; because not only is that immoral, period, it is illegal. But it's done, all the time. This is damn serious. A lot of people are in danger.....sad that it's such a wrestling match to stop this but such it is. Still, thanks to the internet more information is out there and people are able to speak out about and document what they went through for others to read. Comfort in knowing at least you're not an isolated example. Well behaved women may not make history but they are rewarded for it. I mean, there.......are many layers to this.....

Post-Conviction Jodi Arias Interview 05-08-13 Pt.1

In a way.....being the person who posted this is a hater (his rich and genius vocabulary reminds me of someone (whisper: Ted) who used the same language toward me and to attack and slam me. It speaks for itself doesn't it? And the one saying it. Ironically in posting Jodi speaking in her own words it brings much to light.....she simply is not what she is made out to be in the media and though I may be risking my life and a lot of things to speak up for her I can't just sit back and watch someone be slammed in ways they don't deserve. The people who attack her .....the men anyway, either have an agenda toward her as she is pretty and probably would have rejected them so (again like Ted) they hate and have vendettas against attractive females a) and b) probably are the type to go home drunk and rape their wives and daughters. OK. My opinion. But realistically, who would spew out, day after day (not just men, women too) this venom that is beyond what one can imagine possible to someone they have never met?????? There are people who hate George Bush, Adolf Hitler.......but there is pretty solid documentation even if imperfect on the things they did.......but no matter, honestly, how can one hate a person they don't know? I mean really hate.  If you were personally hurt by Bush or Hitler or your family that would explain it, I understand. But if neither you nor anyone you know was personally affected or harmed by this person..... I could say, someone who harms animals is the worst kind of human being who deserves whatever they get. But.....I guess that could be looked at any number of ways. But the haters of Jodi I wonder where they .....even if you believe she planned and carried out this "commitment offense" does that validate that kind of hatred? Volumes and volumes of malice in ways I never thought were possible. Who the fuck are they to call another sociopathic and narcissistic anyone can read excerpts of David Hare and oh, jeez, sociopathic, narcissistic, no emotions, and slap those generalizations on anyone. I just can't stand meanness for its own sake and bullying. Trolls, fucktards, you know who you are. I know who some of you are, too. This is fucking America (now I'm getting mad) and you've had your space and this is mine and everyone, that is everyone, has a right to their diverging opinion. You can't mess with the Constitution it's ILLEGAL. Period. I will not be forced to shut up especially by someone with the IQ (OK, my opinion) of a grain of sand. Who is anybody, speaking of "mote in ones eye" and such, to say such a thing about someone they don't know and who hasn't DONE anything to them? How much do they really care for the victim and if they did their energy should go toward helping those who are their survivors, not formulating a vessel in your mind to channel all that is wrong and fucked up about the world and hope that by doing away with the serpent/Eve you're ridding the world of sin. This person dies, sin is still everywhere. .....kind of puts a gag in America's mouth as suddenly......speaking of Italy's government and courts as corrupt like in the Amanda Knox case but then we have our own failures of a system which is supposed to protect us here. What do we do when we are vulnerable to the attacks of mad men and women and those who are supposed to defend our rights, that no one tells us we have, either turn against us, turn away period......that we are vulnerable to being raped, killed.....what have you......and nothing will be done about it? Whoever did it is yet free in the world and an innocent person gets their life and freedom taken away? Well, it happens all the time. How is that supposed to bring any closure. Of course it doesn't.

once saw a German film

where one of the characters attended a version of "Streetcar Named Desire" in German......problem with translations is people watching it don't get the reference to a particular area which is distinguished by its accents.....true anywhere that I suppose. Everywhere has its different regions and really snobbery or feeling of hierarchy......but anyway.

oh, and, on hospitality?

One of the things spoken of at this meeting I attended was hospitality interesting because I had gotten some inside clues into the Tennessee Williams play Streetcar Named Desire:The lines "please don't get up, I'm only passing through" and "whoever you are, I've always depended on the kindness of strangers" refer to New Orleans itself, which sustained itself on tourism and what goes with it: restaurants, prostitutes, brothels, hotels.....the business of entertaining what have you. San Martin Cabellero was their patron saint in a largely Catholic city. Seen riding on a horse maybe "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" also Saint Expedite........."Espedee"...........
The original Blanche was more raunchy and in your face than what she was made into. She was depicted wearing red ...........I always thought that play was so dreary and depressing but there was the line about deliberate cruelty being unforgivable. Who irony of ironies was watching this but Ted but whether or not he got insight into his own behavior is anyone's guess. It went right over him. Such the beauty of humans, huh?

and by the way

Other people's offensive, ignorant and degrading comments regarding moi well that's their opinion. These people do not, never have, and never will know me, ever. They have no idea what it's like to be me, who I am, they are not in my shoes, so call it knee jerking but they can GFT. Quite honestly. Not to mention their views speak for themselves and the person who has them. Narrow minded bigotry.....what so jabs at you?

continuing.....

Saw a couple clips of the movie Casino looks pretty good.......for the first time I watched the Sopranos a few times .......

so: lists? personal issues and don't want to divulge too much partly for safety reasons. But due to my hard work things are clearing up.

I downloaded an app which makes to do lists and I suffered horrible anxiety with this and  schedules that I admit is my achilles heel because a list suddenly becomes as long as the dictionary......SO much to do and have to do it RIGHT NOW......then it blows up in your face. But ......check something off yes I am relieved that bit is done even if what is there looks like a tornado hit it. But that's a start, right?

recovery

After two weeks......incredibly treacherous.....someone whom I had known pretty well in Chicago, in another life (that Katy Perry song was on the radio which is incredibly depressing and disturbing) passed away and there were many problems with him but I found myself feeling sad and guilty.....there's so much ...... I felt like I'd let a lot of people down. Well, but at least not for lack of trying. Even when I felt at times like I was dying I kept up journals, kept running, dancing, working, looking for work, cleaning......and kept focused to the point where I was literally physically worn out. What's of the mind uses what's in you biologically. This am I attended a church service which......I don't call myself religious or indoctrinated but more spiritual still these people had been helpful to me at times so I try to give what I can back......so maybe I let him and others down--I don't know why I felt obligated except that --this persistent feeling like--there are those who say if you love someone enough you should be willing to die for them. But if I died it would hurt a lot of people and it wouldn't make their lives better because they would have deep persistent wounds from my absence......so in dying for someone are you really helping them? Someone who will be permanently scarred by your leaving? Or even if you're falling apart it affects others emotionally.....so I felt like I owe it to myself of course but others too to stay together and not come unglued which I could have and nearly did. All due to a person who......or need I state the obvious? I'll leave it unsaid. But this is his doing and I am not about to forget that or let it go. He was also, years ago, the cause, or part of anyway, the pain and hurt of someone else I was close to. He has caused so many so much loss, so much injury.......he's just going to continue doing more of the same until he is put in a place where he can't get away with it. I'm sorry but that's the truth. Yet the wheels of justice are rusty and slow moving. It's sad, you know?
BUT. This person is now officially out of my life. James Woods once made a comment a little vulgar but it applies here. Don't know if I want to say it. It's......

But moving on, back to life

I have a lot to do and it's daunting: ........the.......I felt like I'd been run over. The fourth of July victory but at what price? Still breathing if broken and bloodied. And in pain. Grieving? The sniper is still out there....... what am I supposed to feel? Here I am every breath every movement is pain pain I'm thinking should I just die.....but I don't. .....I break out in song and dance cuz hey.....I'm still alive? I've been through hell I've been bloodied bad but here I still am..... 
So in London yes by all means study abroad I'm not saying don't. My next goal is to study in South America. But you know people don't tell you about the danger. I think the day I was held hostage in London the American embassy in Kenya was bombed. But it's overwhelming to imagine: being no longer you with your life as you know it you're now someone or something with a label on them which has you think anyway little to do with you..... ok the Nairobi (a place I'd wanted to visit) bombing happened the week before I remember specifically because my incident happened on the 13th of August ......the British cop (and they are damn scary, one of the many cryptic films we'd seen had Tim Roth being brutally tortured in prison) saying, "The sum of thuh-teen pounds, Thursday, August thuh-teenth" and I don't think I even knew about it until the next day. Three years before the 9/11 attacks, anyway the world was introduced to, to quickly forget......al queada. After getting robbed, I was broke, terrified I would not be able to leave, scheduled to go to Scotland.....off I went. More films of that caliber......but in that area (kings cross)I had seen many men walking around who could be Rudy Guede truth is .....that incident could have happened where I was and probably the only reason it didn't was because the place I was staying in had very tight security who had been on high alert when my key was lost.  And.....more later.....ah......August 13.....the day the Berlin Wall was constructed. The fall of the wall and my subsequent exile to Chicago but another time for that......

"Witch hunt"

So anyone who ever visited a meditation bookstore or read their horoscope.in the local paper could be a witch. Or if you have never done any if the above no matter. Ironic.....Christianity has a long history of witchcraft, most of the accused witches had never associated with it, and, some one once said, the "real" witches walked between the raindrops because they knew how to protect themselves. Amanda Knox is not and never has been a witch and maybe the "femme fatale" is a myth that doesn't exist in reality actually a misogynist "woman as the source of all evil" superstition. I said before Ted was the devil with devil's eyes I think I should clarify..... because that.....makes me one to also .... ..this person Ted really DID cause me nearly unparalleled pain, loss and psychological trauma. He really DOES have bad intentions. He is .....someone who seeks out situations in which he has an edge over someone vulnerable is use them to his advantage and maliciously torment, abuse and degrade them because for that moment it gives him a sense of power. Need I state the obvious: that kind of behavior is vile, sick and cowardly and only the lowest of the low would do such a thing. That such individuals exist who would hurt an innocent being who has never done anything to them.....I'm not going to mince words I have nothing but contempt for someone like that. Make no mistake, Ted knew what he was doing. I will never forgive him.
Back to the Amanda haters and the same thing exists in other situations......it dumbfounds me to think this predatory and senseless mob mentality doesn't end and......the way something could appear on the surface.....that has ......it's not backed up by anything except  a fantasy, really. Amanda never did anything to any of these people. She could have been any number of other
Women. She was and is just a regular person. The random out of the blue bad luck of this is hard to wrap your brain around. A girl was brutally killed for no reason (speaking of sacrifice.....Iphegenia? This was a bloody, sadistic slaughter) another was naive and in the wrong place at the wrong time. She did a yoga stretch bought panties and pecked her.boyfriend on the lips but even if she'd behaved like a nun it didn't matter as it was already decided. The.......... What am I supposed to say? I want to at least give a person a chance to speak a chance. But all I personally see are jabs, insults, threats.....generic pop psych generalizations you could slap on anybody......... Having been a forex student myself.....it's not easy. You're an immigrant, a foreigner, one of "them" and "they" being smug, greedy thieves......a spoiled smug prick, basically. Natives aren't always friendly they assume that you, being a tourist, have a lot of money, anyway you have more than they do. They're going about their lives and you're on vacation. You're no longer ;you" as you know your life. You are now "they." Add to that feeling perpetually disoriented and really like a hunted dog, all the time. I had tried to read Charles Dickens and had grown up with "Oliver" relentlessly grim and depressing "you've got to pick a pocket or two" but of course thus was a quaint, archaic depiction of London right and it was safe now, right? Wrong! This was no myth. People in my group had witnessed violence in the streets and a stabbing as well .....ironically I had been attempting to read David Copperfield when my bag was taken and with it my money and keys (I got hell for that from security now I see why) which led to the fiasco in a phone calling center where I was nearly kidnapped my father on the phone long distance)  such things are pretty common place. I hadn't yet read the biography of John Lyndon "Johnny Rotten" and anyway, thus only happened in bad neighborhoods.
http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/the-amanda-knox-verdict-isnt-justice-for-meredith-kercher-its-a-witchhunt-9101549.html

Had a nightmare

About Ted. Basically his face. Yesterday was difficult. I'm still here though.....that man; is  a sick, sadistic, vile soulless beast : his eyes reveal his real self: beady, black and hate-filled. Getting involved with him is the worst thing I ever did. His one Achilles heel is his heart the one thing that will do him in in the end.....nothing but a void. A dishonor his is to his own people.

Dreams

Had some furiously intense ones in the past 48 hours there are those moments when  you just want to sleep and heaven knows I needed it. This am I dreamt I was in prison and the cop who put me there was demanding sexual favors, bringing me to a room with a swimming piol filled with gases "truth serum" I didn't want to go in.....but was forced to. I was slowly being asphyxiated maybe relevant to a conversation I had with someone about Hitler and surrounding controversial videos about him..... but hey I feel for anyone who is a victim of injustice. I have had my own experiences in a different way. A couple years ago this girl who was a Hunter student was killed by her boyfriend......horrific incident she was only around 20 years old. The neighbors heard screaming too but did anyone call 911? I have had to call the cops most recently on my ex roommate Ted, a madman who belongs in jail, he should have fun being someone's bitch since that's how he views women......and last week on an insane couple who were mistreating a child. One for law and order!

To

Occupy your own space, to gain a measure of autonomy and determine your own life is often an ugly, uphill, dirty battle, fought to the death at times but a necessary one. Exploitation and oppression are the shadow of human history and there are those who will see you as a thing to commodify and own, if it benefits them .....up until a few years ago I had thought and been taught to believe there is some rationality in how people behave and to life and the world. My recent experiences negate all that and there is simply .......why would someone attack another who has done nothing to them? What.....they don't now or ever did a have a "right" to me or anyone but in their mind they think they do..... no understanding of why they do something.....only that I was very unfortunate to come under their radar and.....be forewarned! I'll never understand it pissed off as I am and having had to fight like hell.....you won't hear me singing this person's praises. If I am writing nasty stuff about someone I assure you it's because I have valid reason. But the fact that there is no logical sequence to this is what shakes me up the most.....Nothing good can come of association with some people and the most recent one could have killed me the only thing that saved me was........in all this turbulence I had some knowledge if limited experience in .....I was able to .....it was sheer will, really. And realizing that some things happen .....some people's behavior has .....has no rational basis whatsoever and there is simply no understanding of it. It's who they are, it's what they do and it doesn't make sense but it is intolerable. To struggle against it is to put yourself at risk but to accept it is impossible. When all stakes are down, that's when true friends show themselves and anyone who takes advantage if you or kicks you when you're vulnerable is not your friend.

Back......

There has been some back and forth about the meaning of Easter.....ya de ya it used to be a pagan holiday .....all I can say is that I myself felt the dark and the light.....got my things from Spuytin Duyvil and boy did I fuck up on that one. A waste of time and I take responsibility for not making a more concerted effort. In these situations you hope and expect to leave quietly but if the other person won't let go or move on..... I have gone from feeling angry sick sad terrified relieved.....and like I failed though I ......did and didn't. And the wrong ness of it all. Because not everyone out there is a nice person. Some are downright scum who never should have been born. I do not envy those who brought them into the world. I have experienced some great people and some horrible people both.....but in the end I have too much to give to capitulate and they have nothing to give.....they are the kind who merely take and take til you have nothing left. Do NOT ignore your gut feeling about a person and don't listen to the chorus of folks who will tell you they're wonderful people because that isn't true. It simply isn't.
So.
Every year I go through this the descent into hell and rebirth and I have. So yes for that.....

Amanda Knox Trial & Media Fiasco with Jim Clemente (+playlist)

wow really compelling.....there is no evidence against her because she didn't do it.....

13 everywhere!

More on this later. I am better after a nasty bout with hay fever and this cold blast was awful.....I got caught in it. My face is splotchy reddened and pasty I look like an English boy.....

Connections

You go here, think you're removed from there but you're not. He was like a figure out of a Fred Astaire film, but even then I could sense something too perfect.....coming from a house of constant chaos.....amazingly they in a way resembled each other.......polar opposites yet both came to the same place for different reasons.....even the way he described sounded like out of a Sherlock Holmes story but this was not Sherlock.....crime solving not his cup of tea.....have to say this is fascinating.....

I have returned

Sorry for my absence.......I went through some calamity with a person I made the mistake of renting a space from.....my stuff is there my diaries birth certificate candles clothes.....fault me but I just couldn't go back there. This person is in the wrong and I was forced to fight back.....I have known him a long time and oh! Listen to your instinct always! Plus I have lost clothes subsequently to get more. Right now I have a headache and am recovering from fever and chills. Oh, yes, this and trying to apply for health insurance.
On the up side......I am reading about back and forth Oscar Pistorius and Reeva Steenkamp and the Speck murders in Chicago. A close family friend had been at the crime scene and was naturally devastated......ha. Call it a barf fest.....but who wouldn't? It occurs to me maybe these crimes are political as well.  

Email spam

If you get a weird message from me or this account ignore it. I got hacked using a public internet at the library. Live and learn. Yesterday was equinox usually a dark time for me. Nice and quiet and peaceful now.....let's keep it that way

Morning after pill plan b

Unbelievable that in this day and age in what is supposed to be a democracy we had to go through these leaps and hurdles, not to mention risking our lives. For something simple and proven safe. This pill is available over the counter in most other countries. Nothing more than harassment and intimidation from the fda. I remember being fifteen and in a panic.....at least they give the pill out at the local clinics here.

http://www.acslaw.org/acsblog/all/allison-guttu

Kings cross fire 1987

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/King%27s_Cross_fire

Just saw a show on this. When I did study abroad in London we were at the Dimwiddy (saw "dimwitted" on spell check ha!) House, yes it was really called that.....right near that same station. That was not a good neighbor hood I was robbed there and harassed incessantly.....not to mention held captive at a phone station.....over a charge dispute. When I think of Amanda Knox I know I am on the subject yet again but .....I know every incident of injustice is equally grave and there countless examples every day. But in my life and as myself I naturally understand things similar to what I know and have lived. Recently walking home I was thinking......I think all the time: I studied abroad and it's a wonderful thing that I would never take back.....hard as it was sometimes. But you are not walking into a perfect or utopic world. Crime and violence is rampant in London and I was not prepared for that  even growing up in NYC and Chicago (I was recently remembering a story my father told me about chasing someone out of his apartment in Chicago.....he did have guns) .....but I thought.....I think all the time how that could have been me who was attacked or any of us. I could have been in Amanda's shoes.....living in that house in Jersey City even though I never had any bad incidents there but still there's no guarantee. I cant for the life of me understand why people don't lock their doors; in one of the Jodi Arias interrogation videos she talked anout Travis following the law of attraction not locking his doors because that sent message to the world that you don't trust people and you are locking out good things. Detective Esteban told her due to the nature of his work he locks his doors. Yet everyone carries a gun. It's crazy! And.....people.....another time for this.....

Pussy Riot

 OK I'm adding a little to this: 

A part of me can empathize with what these girls went through. 

Billy Idol's ex was  a friend of some friends of mine. Her name was Spike, and she did have real talent. A few years ago, not sure......or? recently she was run over. She showed up at my friend's door that night.....rang the buzzer.....then......

ooh. ooh.



Watching a documentary on them that a friend gave me.....reminds me a little of the radical cheerleader days. Also what I read of the British Suffragists: "You have to make more noise than anybody else  you have to fill the papers more than anybody else.....if you want to get your reform realized." Emmaline Pankhurst. I watch this with a grain of salt as I.am not over there (but what is this: a country so allegedly poor but even in Communist days the women were dressed like they stepped out of  Vogue and punk rock and everything.....black market, in America it was called "bootlegging" .....and now their trains look spotless, comfortable and pretty.....but? What do I know.....) I am ignorant as to what Putin has done.....and.....but to stage a protest performance like this I know is a lot of work.....but somewhere too this was being documented as well.....their families interviewed. In the Bush days there were massive protests in every American city ironically his presidency was the catalyst for so much great music art film.....not to mention the loss of our privacy and freedom (that did NOT start with Obama) and mine in a devastating way. This kind of public insurgency isn't new either.....for so long I have avoided writing about this and stayed away from occupy wall street because I felt I would express my .....? I found other methods of it. And did not want to get arrested, thank you. I have known of people in and out of jail (cat and mouse, Pankhurst said.....anyway. It is very disturbing to think about. I watched a youtube clipped of a Ukrainian protester being.....or having been tortured.....Awful stuff.....
Anyway. I was raised in a secular non religious environment in Chicago and New York with divorced parents and went to "nice liberal" Episcopal churches Diana Vera wrote about with female ministers and gay married couples...) so I personally never felt any kind of.....moral fear that I suppose a lot of people are raised with..... though I was told a lot of brain damaging psychobabble by faux New Age gurus but that's another story. Personally although I don't believe what Pussy Riot did in the cathedral was terribly tasteful (screaming the lord is shit) but I can understand why they did it.....why they are angry. These women.girls have.....how do I say it? I can feel deeply for anyone who puts them self on the line and out of a comfort spot to raise an issue and speak out against a wrong or for what they feel is urgently necessary and impossible to ignore. . I know too well the lies and denial young women are fed day after day even by other women.....and make no mistake they ARE lies.....suck it up, be grateful, shut your mouth.....and things I have been told others were raised with that are so preposterous it's hard to believe but I heard it from more than one source.....

" Last night a little dancer came dancin' to my door
Last night a little angel Came pumpin cross my floor
She said "Come on baby I got a licence for love
And if it expires pray help from above" 



I'd sell my soul for you babe
For money to burn with you
I'd give you all, and have none, babe
Just, just, justa, justa to have you here by me
Because

 Rebel Yell/Billy Idol

Pussy Riot

I watched a documentary on them. After everything I have gone through in the past week, learning pole dance all over after being injured, running up and down hills, being (I shouldn't but I do......as I don't do drugs (anymore) this the stuff I don't tell folks about don't smoke weed or cigarettes though as of now there's nothing to tell ) I got this as a way

Nietzsche, so, continued

About a year ago my cousin Thomas visited from Michigan.....he and my sister are close. He talked about .....we talked on this subject as he is an avid reader of German philosophy which is not really my thing but I did read, from the library many years ago in Chicago Thus Spoke Zurathustra (Also Sprach Zurathustra) realizing at the end I had no idea what I'd just read. It must have sunk in subconsciously..........

Continued

What I am facing I mean: the futures  Worth the sacrifice and the pain but I did feel it acutely. But not understanding wish I could understand why. The times I felt that abyss over the past year among them in Jersey City with my phone out the TV out I was alone in that fucked up house and feeling almost like in a mausoleum. Suddenly .....I was in a dark tunnel and the light was Sara Ivanhoe and her yoga tape so thank you. A few friends helped at times and thank you. What I did make was genius but that too takes a village. I did my part. This now though .....I have to face this and.....this is completely new. It's so painful at times. It's all great. It's all a relief. It's so right. It's a lot of work. A huge burden but what can I do?

Quotes

I downloaded this app Unsub Criminal Minds quotes. One of them is Nietzsche: "When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you." A few times in my life I felt like I was standing in that threshold. The more you want it the more you resist and stepping out of your comfort zone ya de ya. In the past year I felt that so acutely.....Hurricane Sandy was a disaster that fucked so many people not in a good way. And you can tell a person's true character by the way they act in times like this but I'm not going to go into that yet. The loss was catastrophic but I personally survived if only by my wits and will and the help of spirit or "it"  but this what I have is a testament to my own fighting spirit. I know it's self congratulatory and I'm not trying to be  that way.....but I can say somehow I did not buckle under. Because why should I? Those who tried to hurt me they are the liars and at the end of the day they have to look in the mirror every night and I don't envy that.
So. I went through hell at times. It was undeserved. No one deserves that. But here I am.
But something I knew I had to do.....no one ever, ever tells you to do the things that really matter to you beyond the mundane of brushing your teeth and such.I knew I had to and was thoroughly unprepared and ......had never had to deal with anything like this. I have many talents but this is not one if them but me not a rocket scientist had to build a rocket ship. Regardless.
I just don't know how to explain it. I know I'm whining. There are those who have it worse. But this was my dilemma. I know it was "in my head" but .....they .....what I meant was this: that was one instance. It brought many things to light. But most recently in a different way. All that from before came to this: what is in ones head is fermented by what is in the world around. One gives oneself away in their behavior actions trying too hard to cover up protesting, knee jerking at appropriate moments. Too much outrage speaks for itself.
Point being I know too well that it's up to me. Oh.....I read Amanda Knox's  autobiography and she is brilliant, awesome young woman.....she said something along the lines of.....I thought I had to wait for the appropriate time to say something but some things need to be said no matter what.
That's where I am standing now. It feels like it is unchartered territory. It is terribly hard work. In Jersey City I used to joke Wegman Pkwy is the new Bushwick.....bringing the water to  Ocean Ave and the .....crowd there.....waiting for loose cigarettes candy what have you.....the store opening at 6am mumbling among themselves like a warped Greek chorus.....not wanting to get out of bed as it was winter.....but I did.....how can i describe the sight? Sounds corny: vivid and gorgeous.....

Dakota is a Scorpio

Same birthday as Sylvia Plath

http://www.gothamcityinsider.com/2007/08/dakota-new-york-citys-most-legendary.html?m=1

The haunted Dakota?

http://www.gothamcityinsider.com/2007/08/dakota-new-york-citys-most-legendary.html?m=1 this thing is fucked up sorry Gone.with the Wind the "in" thing was neo.gothic architecture with dark tinted windows and such. The turn of the century little girl people saw? Walking home from the spuytin duyvil metro north station these guys had Magic Man by Heart on the car radio and just.....a.bunch of houses for.sale and they all look freaky. I am not a squeamish person but I once had a nightmare about.being stuck overnight in a mansion on 14th st  go.figure. I once went to an audition on 14th st for "models"'for an alleged music video where as soon as I.entered the building the door locked behind me. I pounded on the door and screamed and someone buzzed me out.
I watched a very disturbing Twilight Zone episode with.Dennis Hopper about neo Nazis blood.sacrifice, Hitler's ghost.......speeches about conspiracy and nationalism. George.B Shaw said Joan of Arc was.a nationalist.well who knows it was different circumstances.

Awesome retro.50s

I want this dress! Dolce and Gabbana

Spanish Charmin ads

Omg!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k6KQ-OO2uU&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Love and Death

30 years before Pussy Riot Woody Allen made this amazing film: fucking hilarious.....maybe this will inspire them to fight for Mother Russia.....bundle up..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzmPEBDyjWY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Pussy Riot

Man these girls rock in every sense of the word

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjI0KYl9gWs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Vlog star! New video

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAopzAg2UPI&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Times Sq selfie

Netherland ave. Moon.

Wow! Spuytin duyvil. Knew there was a reason to.climb the mountain back at 2am. Getting back finally.

Me at mcds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSVNULmLABg&feature=youtube_gdata_player

"Breathe breathe in the air"

The Great Gig in the sky.

I am not gonna do a Shia Lebeof I will cite my sources: Pink Floyd. Packaging is Lucky Mojo.

O u doubting Thomases.....Bible

http://images.search.yahoo.com/images/view;_ylt=AwrB8pdVJv5S5zMAJPKJzbkF;_ylu=X3oDMTIybnJ2bXY1BHNlYwNzcgRzbGsDaW1nBG9pZAM2ZWNlMGZmMWQ4MmVjYzUzNDkyYTcxMTRiMDQwMjBkNwRncG9zAzkEaXQDYmluZw--?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2Fimages%3Fp%3Dlucky%2Bmojo%2Bcleo%2Bmay%26fr%3Dcrmas%26fr2%3Dpiv-web%26tab%3Dorganic%26ri%3D9&w=200&h=230&imgurl=www.luckymojo.com%2Fclarity-incense-powder.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.candlesandcurios.com%2Fshop-incense.html&size=89.0KB&name=Candles+and+Curios%3A+Intro+to+%3Cb%3ELucky%3C%2Fb%3E&p=lucky+mojo+cleo+may&oid=6ece0ff1d82ecc53492a7114b04020d7&fr2=piv-web&fr=crmas&tt=Candles+and+Curios%3A+Intro+to+%3Cb%3ELucky%3C%2Fb%3E&b=0∋=60&no=9&ts=&tab=organic&sigr=11hhnp2vr&sigb=138s8eo8p&sigi=11c2h5300&.crumb=TKhC8CUsy.A&fr=crmas

Beneducta (ooh slip) bene dicta cumbersnatch?

Sounds like a porn film from 14th st or . One o those. Female Sherlock? $tage name? Lily Beardsley. Frances Farmer.

If Will could have tweeted

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
(The first time that the Rosecruscians think that the moon.....)
Huh? I am making a point which gets deleted. They didn't fb or twitter or even type in 1597. What did they do? Hung around the pub. I guess. Or in Biblical days.....the hookah lounge? The .....well they had wine then. Other stuff I guess.  Virginia Woolf wrote Shakespeare lived at the hub of the universe maybe she meant the pub.....where women weren't allowed. I don't have that excuse.   
Now we are allowed. But my legs my teeth my eyes all ache. This is work. Life is short. This is a heavy burden.

hey there I am back)

sorry for the MIA status. My phone and internet was out for a while as I had repair issues. I missed blogging) I am in Riverdale for now and at a crossroads, you know.......looking forward to the bright new future but what will that be? My mind was giving me weird fantasies as I sat on the train, that and anxiety. Winter mornings and snow are pretty. I am supposed to take a trip to Miami and it will be lovely to see the white sand and sea shells as of yet have to smooth out some technical issues (like my drivers license......pain in the ass) but incidentally the cold isn't getting to me as much as it used to. As long as I am warm when I sleep. I am sensitive to light and find it hard to rest during the day when the sun comes in......

Thinking back

I was 23 making a lot of dumb decisions the consequences of I am living with to this day. How I want once and for all to just be free of it. True I was young and confused I didn't know what I was doing. No one is of sound mind at that age. Still.....it was a waste. I did a lot of good things too. But there is something else.....something bigger, fiercer and darker. Only in parts is it becoming clear. I was surrounded by a lot of people who were not well intentioned......just not good people period. Classic alcoholic behavior.........lots of drama, lots of haze and noise......but deceptive. Everything is somebody else's fault. Everyone else is wrong. Everything is your fault, someone else's and never theirs. =

Winter xmas

but this lovely uptown scenery

I do love the buildings in wash heights inwood riverdale it is very pretty here la neige wintertime

Fargo and Erin Brock-o-Bitch

Sitting in a marble hill chinese food place while my clothes wash and eating my second hot and sour soup I am ......I dunno. Sorry was meant to be a draft. I watched Fargo and Erin Brockovitch two favorite films of mine while I was recovering from illness or rather while I was ill.  I saw the second one in a makeshift theater in hells kitchen no longer there.....guess I like this film because I can understand some of what the character deals with though her way is not necessarily mine. Fargo I am obsessed with kind of reminds me of family and people I know in Michigan......it's kind of similar to Minnesota if not the same.

Waxing luna

From last night

Snow!

What helps is heat heat heat

Lots. The heat comes through the vents and I blast the heater. Close the windows as the draft is what started it. I have to be basically incubated when I sleep or I get sick. That's what I love about the old buildings in the east village they are steam heated tiny and cozy. And warm.

Recovering

I was deathly sick for a week. Waking up coughing. Any exposure to air would set it off. ........said I would be a good girl scout problem is I eat......a lot. I run a lot. Lift legs huff puff then cough out my stomach. Hung out last night at a local club partly work a very sweet acquaintance. I got into these e cigarettes (quit smoking many years ago) but they add to the problem......they scratch at my lungs even if they are not smoke so I had to lay off them as well. The trains aren't heated enough and running in the cold doesn't help but as hell as it is I feel better after running. Mentally and emotionally I was smashed, in a horrible place. I am better. Replaced the flowers guess that made the difference?

Writings

They say document oh god yes live in your mind heart everything shaking ........thought you were.dying but rising out of the flames......they tried to kill you but they can't .......some people are worth saving and others are not.  A girl wrote once "let them all walk out in front of the bus and we'll run the scum over. There are better people to save." Harsh but hey......live your life being nothing but a cunt, living selfishly and hurting other people, for no reason other than you feel you want and deserve what they have entitled to what? At the end of the day you go home alone you are alone you have nobody except false friends because that's what you attract, you alienated everyone else......

High school 1982

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZynIhCs27Xs&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Spuytin Duyvil pix

This is a small walk from where I live.....I went running this morning. The opposite way toward Seton Park.....had my head phones on. I came back and saw ambulances a police cadaver truck, then heard the chopper hovering super low. I knew something was going on.....the whole atmosphere was bad and I always feel these things. For a number of reasons many personal ones it brought out the worst in me. I managed to document some of it......
The sunny pictures were taken around 8 am the others after ten......