moods

I am not going to go into mysticism here because I learned my lesson before about taking this public: I only was misunderstood. But I seem to get into horrendous moods during the new moon. I was born on a new moon. And I tried and tried and tried for hours to contain myself but today I was once again provoked by these really annoying people G's roommate hangs around and I finally lost it. After dealing with one mess after another from the animals, a bad night before in which I missed seeing Felix da Housecat, no sleep because my cat kept me awake, finally L's brother said he was upset that I left and he needed a flyer that's when I snapped. I wasn't prepared for fifty people to come into the apartment and I was tired and stressed and A insisted on opening the curtain after I closed it and, Jesus, everything has to turn into a fucking argument! So I finally got pissed and when I'm provoked I can get hysterical, and I did. I went into the park and unraveled. I was crying hysterically, all from last night's fucked up-ness to this dancer saying to me, "Thank you so much for standing there with the flyers" like what am I, their servant? To people I want to see not being around to everything from not being able to charge my phone or send a text message or even talk on a phone because of the trees in the way to the monumental task of how the fuck do I do my taxes or apply for health insurance to fear, always always that. And wondering how I'll get to South Africa cause that's where I want to go but it's expensive and then I have to sign up for classes, buy a new passport, sign up for cable or wireless or fuck I don't know I just need to be able to use a computer cause that's life or death with me, to a DVD being late and I haven't even watched half of it, to not getting around to seeing a movie or seeing my friend like I'd planned and I SO wanted to just get out of town and I started sobbing, in the park, thinking, I have to get out of this place! I can't stand it! I can't stand living in this fascist country where we don't even have health care or child care or even birth control, if the arch conservatives get their way. In a place where we are not free to do what we choose with our own bodies and are considered criminals if we do certain things, to the fact that these universal entitlements are taken away from us here and anyhow.....to the fact that I went on this travel web site bootsnall, that I used to go on all the time, and it was a depressing experience. This girl wrote, something like, the worst film I ever saw was JFK and I'm just not into these political movies. Yeah, Jessica Simpson is your idol, I'll bet.....really living life on the edge here. This is why I stopped going on this site because it was such a discouragement, to see people talking about really pale stuff and always feeling, afterward, alienated and frustrated. I mean, how can anyone, if they're breathing, especially if they're female, NOT be political in this climate? I can't figure that out for the life of me, unless they are somehow benefitting from this administration. But I just have no comprehension of female conservatives, who don't think women should have rights. At the NOW conference they were handing out these buttons saying, If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention. Even among the so-called radical cheerleaders I remember one of them dismissing one of the others because "she's just so angry, it's too much." I mean, isn't that the point? There are many gradations of anger. There's mindless venting which, while it may be justified, is immature and there's a lot of that among many would be activists. But there' s "righteous anger" which is going under the layers and saying, things are bad, and that's not ok, and that's radical. It's getting late and I'm running out of steam to write this with but I have to unload this stuff. There'll be more later.

more pix

This spring, when we cheered outside Bluestockings, near where D is. That's all I kept thinking: we're in D's neighborhood, what if D sees us. But I never saw him. It was that awful cold-while-sun-is-shining spring weather. I was kind of peeved that I didn't see D.
I'm listening to Paris Hilton's CD right now. This is the only music I have at present.

"What would you do

if I tied you up with duct tape?" He asked. "Would you call the police?"

I saw someone who looked like him today on the train platform. He looked at me. It wasn't him. There was a street performer singing, "I'm in love with you...."


There was another one I visited. He had pictures facing down in his apartment; a dead giveaway that he was hiding something. By the time the night was winding down I was a little afraid to see what those pictures were. He began shutting doors....."I have OCD." He said, "I want to show you something." On his computer were pictures of him next to cardboard cutouts of various celebrities. "Now look at this," he said, lifting the pictures from face down on his desk. I was afraid now, my stomach nervous at what those pictures were. I was thinking of Rosemary's Baby, where she sees the marks from missing paintings. Or else he's hiding a woman from me. So he lifted up the picture....and it was of him standing next to a cardboard figure of George Bush. The other was of him and one of Bill Clinton.

Sometimes I worry

That things are getting worse, not better. I don't know who to trust anymore in the activist community. See link:


http://dir.salon.com/story/news/feature/2004/02/11/cointelpro/index.html?pn=1

there's something dark in the air although it's lifted. It's Sept. 11 anniversary or else the "demotion" of Pluto or I don't know. But across the ocean in the Middle East, women are being assaulted, stripped of their rights and what is being done about it? Where is our free speech? Our right to criticize our government, our constitutional rights? The Bush Administration seems to believe it's a sin to distribute condoms in Africa, enforce sexual harassment protection laws, is harassing sex workers (so many of them poor women, or just period there's no alternative that earns a livable wage) and on and on. It's endless. And women like Ann Coulter, don't get me started.

today

It's my mother's birthday, who was at Ground Zero when the towers fell. She saw everything. Happy Birthday Mother! I think there's just so much negative energy associated with Sept. 11 it's still lingering. Today has been so fucking bad, for me. My cat made a mess in the bathroom and of course my roommate complained (she wrote a note she could have just called or knocked on the door but I know, it's my problem, my fault) and I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt I was in a cemetary and someone was telling me (a voice) your father looks like this now (a corpse) you want to see him? There was a corpse in a grave. I was elevated in the dream, looking down at the corpse. I was trying to look away but then it felt like it was right next to me, back on the bed. I woke up panting, as dawn was just starting to hit.

movies

I watched Dolores Claiborne last night that is such an awesome film! Everything from the direction, acting, script, style......brilliant. A woman's film, psychological thriller. I love these kinds of films.....wish I could find more. Especially I like watching "older" movies.

I'll never be cold again

I DON'T want to be here for another NYC winter. I hate winter, can't stand being cold. That's why going to Miami was such a relief. I told the person I was staying with I'm sick of being cold and he said that's exactly why he moved down there. Miami is expensive maybe if I go to the other side of the equator so it's their summer, and I've never been there anyhow. Like Thailand (though I think that's north but it's still hot) because they need the tourism. Or South Africa, back to Egypt, Argentina, just somewhere not cold. Cold makes me sick and depressed: I've lived though enough winters especially coming from Chicago. The summer was too short. I still want another beach day.

The street and barriers

I shouldn't, but the temptation is too great. I decided to take a walk from Brooklyn to Manhattan across the Brooklyn Bridge. Remind me never to walk across there again. I love walking across the bridge, walking period. When I was in Indiana I would run and walk for hours with my dad's dog, and it's a great place to do it cause there's the countryside with the train tracks and all this yellow, like corn and wheat fields, and the hot sun.

But here in NYC at the end of the summer, if that's what this is, there are NO New Yorkers in the street or on the bridge. The only ones who are are these macho guy bike riders who are the other side of the coin: not caring who they run over and speeding over the bridge when there are families with children and dogs around. But the people are also rude: they don't move out of the way for people who walk faster than them and take up the whole bridge, so that there's nowhere to move and you're forced to walk behind them and even then they don't make room. That's just rude, rude. My pet peeve is people who aren't considerate on the street. Maybe it's my own personal space issues which are very strong, and even more intensified, if that's possible, after my assault. Or maybe it's from elementary school when I was followed and assaulted by other kids, male female white and black, from school. But my heart starts beating really fast and I go into high adrenaline mode when people step into my bubble: you can call me neurotic or hysterical but that's how I am. And I just will never get used to people, honestly from different countries or cultures, who walk into others or don't make room for them on the street. Some people have said it's a political thing: like they walk into people who they don't respect or think are inferior, or like eye contact it's confrontational, or passive-aggressive or hostile; but more likely it's that they aren't conditioned or something to establish barriers or they don't have the same concept of them but call me prejudiced (though that's not my intention) well, what can I say? I am bothered by it. I just don't think it's right. I don't--I can't accept it. It's psychological I suppose, but I can't stop seeing this kind of intrusion as confrontational and threatening, because it so often is.
Like I was walking with someone last night, down a dark street in the Village, and she wondered why I have to cross the street when these two guys were walking very close behind me. As I said before, I will never get used to people who are stangers getting too close to me, especially if they're walking behind me, and I don't react well. Like I said, in the past that was how I got assaulted then and now. When guys are walking closely behind you, or women, or whoever, it's NOT ok or good. I know this. And especially I don't want to be on a dark street with guys walking closely behind me because that's exactly what happened when I was assaulted. I mean, women who aren't cautious about this stuff.....they wouldn't what? Even try to resist these guys or not even be alarmed when they're walking toward them? Fine, get raped then. I'm sorry, but please learn some street smarts. I don't know how, that night I was assaulted last week, I --no actually, I noticed guys walking closely behind me before and got away. Also, ten years ago when I was mugged, the guy snuck up from behind me. It's a survival instince and I would say pick up on it or face the consequences. I am being harsh here, but I happen to know I'm right.

I guess it's hard to deal with people who aren't used to New York living and it is just a drag, emotionally, to live with this as I found there's no changing people.

feeling better, somewhat

I've been in pain, physically and emotionally, for the past few days. First it's the injuries from the assault including muscle cramps which are excruciating. I've never felt pain like this. I took 4 advil at a time and that's the only thing that works when it flares up. I may have to go to the doctor.

Then, I ate some pasta and felt nauseous--don't know if I suffer from a food allergy or something. I went for a walk for like an hour or so.....just can't sleep. During the day I want to sleep and at night I can't sleep. That must be why I'm obsessed with nightlife because that's my instinct. When I was a little kid I watched the Amityville Horror at night and also, when I was really little, I saw things in my room. Maybe that's where my insomnia comes from: because I was always afraid something would get me, so I'd be up all night and all I could do was read. Then I'd have an hour's worth of sleep and have to get up and go to school and I guess I was pretty fazed out that explains why everyone thought I was spacey. I thought I had to arrange all my books exactly right or else "they" would come to get me. And the movie was just.....for two years I was terrified at night.....that blood would come out of the walls. And during those years I think I lived, in school, completely in my head, and had no idea what was going on around me. I would read a book and miss the bell, miss class. For long periods of time I don't think I spoke to anyone.

I'm guilty

Of course I live in me and I'm biased, I'd like to think I'm always right and blameless, but I know I can be a massive cunt on wheels. I sometimes think, I wasn't raised to be mean; I grew up reading Bible stories (NOT to be confused with the right wing Christianity which most people are familiar with) my mother taught Sunday school.....I've fallen out with most religion, if not all, but I still believe there's Something there. But I was raised on these ideas of selflessness and kindness but what happened? I've been angry, on a short fuse, and at times venomous. I guess I really don't enjoy hurting people; only some have done bad things to me so what choice do I have? Some people well I have to admit they have it coming to them; people who've done horrid things not just to me but to anyone who is innocent.....in some instances I believe, I know, it's necessary to use violence. I think maybe those people deserve to be hurt. But by and large, I don't want to hurt anyone, yet I do. I get into moods, and I was so stressed lately about everything but now that that's somewhat alleviated and I can breathe, for now, I am realizing I didn't really want to be mean, or hurt anyone.

That said, there are people who made such a fabulous contribution to my life and changed so many things for me who I don't see. Why is that? That eats away at me. It's hard not to feel a certain sadness in the midst of happiness that they're not here. But what can I do? Those people I never, ever intended to hurt or offend but it seems like I did, or else they're just flaky or that's just the way things have worked out or something.

But anyhow, I'm starting to feel the pull of travel. I just want to go....wherever, but some place warm. I need a getaway that is stress-free, relatively. I haven't had a real vacation. It is cloudy here and not warm and I'll miss summer, I still want to lie at the beach in a bikini; swim for hours then sleep on the beach. Summer is too short! Maybe I belong in California after all. It will be a tremendous load of work but I'm ready to take off again.

The stages of drinking

My mother was talking about her grandfather, Grandpa Michinsky, who is actually not really her grandfather. Her actual one divorced her grandmother to marry another woman.....but anyhow, Grandpa Michinsky is the one she grew up with in Alma, Michigan. He was a drinker as was her father. She described the first stage as one where he was dancing and singing, dancing with her and her brothers. The second was the "great guy" stage, where he would say things like, "So and so down at the plant....he's such a great guy; just a super person...[ect]", then third was, I think, the staggering around the house stage, and finally, the fourth, where he'd be yelling (or more like slurring-yelling), "Alfreda [my great grandmother] I'm going to divorce you!'


She said he'd be at the bar with his drinking buddies and Alfreda would go after him, saying, "You get out of there!" and trying to pull him out of the bar. Later on that night he'd start saying, dragging his words, "Alfreda I can't stand it anymore."

I don't know....where am I going with this? I guess cause Alma Michigan always seemed like the middle of nowhere to me, and I'd always feel lonely and creeped out in Michigan, like we were the only people there for miles and miles. It gets really remote there and whenever I was there I really couldn't wait to leave. For me, I was hardly ever around anyone under 50 except for my mother. Occasionally my then step siblings would go with me, so at least there was someone my age. As we drove through all the small towns we saw all these people who were overweight, and my mother would talk about "all the fat people."

So going back to Evanston and the beach was welcome at times.

But then now I met D in the Lower East Side, who's from Ann Arbor.....so the world is smaller than I thought.....and there actually is someone else besides us from there.

When you wonder, I should have or could have run right then but instead I stayed and this is what happened which wouldn't have if I'd ran

I was sweaty and panting and had walked from rehearsal at 23rd street I had the address but.....

It turned out to be the Trump Tower. I went in there in flip flops and a raggy skirt and everyone was in heels really dressed up I wanted to turn around was afraid to see him expecting someone stuffy to open the door and say, "Get out of here; you're a slob." I dress up occasionally but most of the time I don't like to.


As I was waiting for him to open the door that's when I had the urge to run.....but I didn't. I stayed. He opened the door and was......I was wondering if he'd tell me to leave.....but he was.....kind of goofy or something......and just stared at me for a few seconds....and then....I went in there.


So everything changed after that, sort of. But then I got the wrath of Mother and Sonny, assaulted on my block, terrible muscle pain, and, conversely, health insurance.

I'm tired. These past few days it felt like something really negative was in the air. I'm trying to be upbeat and optimistic; I am an optimist I hope. But I have come to accept that there's so much I can't control. But I worked myself last night to total fatigue as I so often do and mornings I can't get out of bed......though I did this morning, only to face another bad situation. Even the astrological chart says today is not good but what can I do? The rent won't pay itself and no one will get me out in the limelight if I don't.

But I'm still waiting for this to end. It's cloudy and I"m sick of the rain, sick of being wet and cold.

I see you everywhere see him everywhere

So D has been coming into conversation with me and my friend and I'm seeing clues of him everywhere and everywhere people who look like him. A few days I got this email with this message:

Whatever I do, forgive, and believethat I have loved you. The drawback to going away, murmured Adrian, is the having tocome back.


D is in Fiji and I don't know why I can't forget him or V. I can't get them out of my mind.

That email was part of this chain spam I don't know what emails I've been getting on my Yahoo account and I get more and more of them constantly. It's like this novella someone is writing that they're sending to strangers.....it's getting annoying. Yet, this isn't junk it's meaningful stuff.

I'm trying really hard to become enlightened now but there's so little that I'm inspired by, everything feels, this isn't a nice thing to say, almost God-less. I'm trying to put things back together. But I'm so uninspired by what is around me, with a few exceptions, like certain music videos. I guess I need artistic inspiration that's what is lacking now. A play a film a book something I have so little time just for myself. Or erotic literature. I'm debating whether or not to post my sexual fantasies....which could be comic in a way.

me and punzy!

That's my kitty who my mother got from the Southhampton shelter, Punzy. I think most of the time pets look like their owners but I'm not sure about me and her.....I guess.

how do you love someone whose great love affair is with themself?

Way back when, a few years ago, I hadn't done enough homework on psychological traits like narcissistic personality disorder or sociopathy and I believed that it was possible to change people. Like if I asked my roommate not to do something she would get the idea that it's wrong, it bothers people, and try to stop. Instead, we're talking about addicts here, the whole thing was turned on me, they made me out to be the wrong person, crazy, a jerk, a dangerous person......they don't see their own faults and attribute criticism to someone being out to get them, to harass them. In other words, they don't change no matter what. Psychology 101 should be a requisite for anyone in the work force. My life would be so different now if I knew then what I now know. A part of me sensed something wrong with them, but I also felt like I myself had failed, done something wrong. Someone who is shallow will not understand something like philosophy, or art film even; but instead become vindictive to others who see their game and call them out on it. OK.

It may seem to some people like I'm being negative or pessimistic. I see it as the opposite: by laying the bad stuff on the table, I'm creating the possibility of hope, of survival. But life is not all sugar and I'm not going to pretend everything and everyone is great. That said, this is last night's dream: This is a recurring one; the math class I'm about to flunk and my mother has the same dream.......


I'm in college and I've been taking three classes....one of them a math class that's required for graduation. It's near the end of the semester and I realize I completely forgot about any of these classes, particularly the math, and I'm thinking, how will I ever graduate much less go to grad school now? I'm ready to talk to someone and ask if there's any hope now of passing.

Then, another recurring dream, I'm on a plane, it takes off.....there's this girl, basically "dyky" who is the pilot; actually, she was this girl I saw on the train station earlier, to get the L. I think I'm moving through different parts of the plane but finally sit in front and I'm trying to figure out where we're going. Finally, we start to land, but she misses the landing spot in the airport, and lands against the wall. I'm thinking we're going to crash or at least get banged up.....but we land somewhat safely, unharmed.....



then I woke up.

my privacy stolen

That is my life, my privacy, and I'm a private person. I guard my personal stuff like I guard my body, and this invasion is as bad as a physical rape. I trusted the wrong people...is it their "narcisissim" or whatever it is but my life was stolen from me. And that really is unforgivable. I trusted the wrong people with secrets and the very wrong people got hold of what is most sacred and private and important to me.....in the hands of bad people. How did this happen? How could I have allowed it? How could I not have known? I'd like to think I'm blameless but I'm not yet I'll be made out to be the bad one, a person with no morals a lyer a cheat well guess it takes one to know one, n'est-ce pas? That's French.....
But there's a line in the film Choses Secretes that goes something like, "That's the tyranny of human nature. We want that which eludes us.......The femmes fatales of history were either narcisissts or lesbians." That's so often how love goes?

assaulted

So just after that last post I went home from the Village, getting off the train at Classon Ave, and long story short, walking down Skillman between Lafayette and DeKalb all of a sudden I saw these two guys walking closely behind me, and I walked faster, but then they jumped on me I started screaming my head off not knowing what they were going to do.....the guy put his hand over my mouth and I managed to scream anyhow.....somehow I stood up and he was holding the strap of my bag......still screaming I pulled away and the strap broke. I got out of my shoes somehow, and ran barefoot toward Dekalb. There was a cab there so I ran toward it.....a guy got out and said, what happened? A woman said, I'm calling the cops, are you hurt? Only scraped but fortunately I'm OK, OK. It could have been so much worse. I just went through a few hours of dealing with police, who were pretty decent, my roommate, as they took my bag which had my keys, my IDs, my cell phone, thank heaven Garrett was home and had an extra cell so I switched over the number, but these assholes, those guys, have all that personal information on my old phone who knows probably they won't use it but that's not public, that stuff.....I was lucky, lucky that people were around to help. I had thought this city safe but I guess it isn't. I don't know what to do really. I don't know what those guys wanted, to rape me rob me who knows. Two guys got assaulted where Garrett lives, and this is an expensive neighborhood. This is just one more headache I have to deal with but it's serious: no more games.

August 25 is the anniversary of Dad's death, also, and this just adds insult to injury. I am fearful of a "next time" and will it be worse? Is it just a random fucking thing or what? No, no no I won't wear heels walking home at night, I'm lucky I could get out of those shoes and run. They were those little slippers you buy on the street. It could have been so much worse. August 25 that's just a bad day, I'm looking forward to it ending.

obsession and fatigue

Endless wondering: will so and so call are they mad did I alienate them what are their reasons what motivates them waiting and waiting the curse of love. Easy to say: I'm not gonna wait anymore no matter how much I like someone, and no matter how I try to alleviate it I end up waiting again. ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!! Simone de Beauvoir wrote of love being potentially hell and I know what she means. I actually miss David was thinking of him but I'm also jealous that he's traveling. Now I'm looking at the food channel and shots of Paris an absolutely gorgeous, breathtakingly, city. And wanting to go back, to go somewhere, wherever! South Africa Colombia California back to Egypt.......

Always feeling tired like I'm going to faint when I'm outside and there's an endless laundry list of Stuff that needs to be done yesterday so badly wanting to connect with someone but also wanting NOT to. I'm eating chocolate which I shouldn't but I have endless cravings for it cravings period plus well periods of feeling like I'm going to pass out then suddenly not being able to sit still. The doctor told me I'm borderline anemic.

It was Tolstoy who wrote: all happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own unique way. The events of this past weekend are tragic but also absurd to the point of being almost comic. If everyone is famous for something I wonder if we'll be famous for being weird, and I ran into Sonny on the train....he just looked at me and didn't even say hi just really creepy, like foreshadowing. I am getting A LOT of foreshadowing plus seeing people who look like V and D plus .....I'm looking for clues but have none, for now.

the last post

Was melodramatic I know......but well I was upset. I don't have time to go into it now.....but I can't understand why my mother and Sonny don't want their kids to have full, rewarding and happy lives. Someone who is a total social misfit dominates Samantha's life and it's so sad for her, because she's a normal person and she said to him, "I don't want to be like you! I want to go out and have friends and have a normal life!" And what 19 year old wants to stay inside in the woods on a Saturday night and who in the Hamptons comes home at 2AM on Saturday? Mother herself was complaining to Donna last weekend that Sonny always goes out of his way to spoil anyone's good time, so why is she taking his side this time? Are they jealous? What is the point in being in the Hamptons if you're not part of the life? It's depressing going to Bridgehampton Polo and not being able to get into the VIP tent and finally I meet someone who I get along with and who CAN introduce us to the life and Mother and Sonny have to nearly permanently sabotage it and I can only pray, pray to whoever's out there who can help, that those people aren't alienated. Sonny is truly scary and he made a nasty scene showing up in the parking lot and yelling and them calling our phones Sam's only hope is to strike out on her own and sadly there are limited ways of doing that.

I really feel for Sam. They did this same thing to me when I was sixteen, expecting me to sit alone in that house with no friends in the woods.....no wonder I revolted,and was afraid of the country. Mother would flip out at me alone in that house and even attack me.....and it was all chalked up to her being distressed at recent bad events but the time has way passed and she hasn't changed. She talks about Grandpa having borderline personality disorder but I say she has the same, and I could have gone that way also.


That said,though,I beg whoever is out there for a second chance with V and these people because I believe wholeheartedly in the nightlife/club/techno scene and I believe it's right--I mean it's so hard to explain but I just know I'm doing the right thing here-- and I know bad stuff happens but I don't want to ever be told not to dance!

I believe,with no doubt whatsoever, that I did the right thing by befriending V and those people and that Sam did the right thing also and that Mother and Sonny are wrong. They get this way whenever we try to be social. They got mad at Al when he came out and my friend Jane.

It's a lost cause.....you can't be with certain people hoping for the best because it's not in them to be constructive: they won't change. From now on I'm on my own out there, and Sam too.

Never going to that house again

I feel sorry for my sister who is stuck there with nowhere to go. They may slowly make her crazy. They're (Sonny) telling her not to go out, be back by such and such a time, you can't go out.....ect ect. And the event, the evening, was a really good thing, and they ruined it for all of us. All because he is socially weird and can't stand anyone else having a life.

I met up with V and his friends and everything was going pretty well til my Mother and Sonny flipped out about the car, the hour (4:40 AM, whatever it was) and I could have stayed out til 10 AM I'm an adult they can't boss me around anymore, though they try to. But Sam's only option is to strike out on her own.

What is the point of having a house in the Hamptons if you're not going to be social? It's just painful.

Never again! If I ever hear from V again I'll go with him and actually enjoy myself out there for once, rather than sit in the house at 11PM on a Saturday. Done.

dubya dubya dubya dot who the fuck ya think you are?

http://www.thetruthaboutgeorge.com/women/index.html

I just found this. The personal is political.

cool web site

http://www.magiastrology.com/

these people rock. read and learn

got new plants, on a good astrological day

I have revivied my interest in feng shui and astrology and I decided I can't live in a condo. Where I am has problems but it has a deck which helps cause I have cats and I think cats should be able to go outdoors.....and it's summer and the place is crying out for green. So after studying Magi Astrology their lesson is start everything only on a good astrological day, today I got this impulse to buy plants and pay a dormant bill......but didn't check the MA calendar......so I risked it. I checked it just now and voila! it's a favourable day. I hope this works. I don't know if feng shui works and everyone makes fun of me but I think there must be some logic to it. So I hope the green brings lots of green cause I so need it. I am hoping, really hoping, I can go back to Egypt or just some place warm when winter comes around. But every time I make money I end up having to spend it. There is always a bill, a fee somewhere. There's rent money and money for a better place. There's the plane ticket. and ect ect

I'm sick of fees. They're like ants. How do I get rid of them? Anyone?

Hamptons, just returned!

So bizarre I randomly met this guy who turned out to be the owner of the Star Room in the Hamptons. I'm still buzzing from the whole experience and can't stop thinking about it. So.....I took the LIRR from Flatbush Ave in Brooklyn where I live to Southhampton, where I met my mom and sister. Mother was in a good mood and we went on our millionth trip to the farm stand out there where Mother got berries and corn on the cob. The fresh corn out there is sweet, heavenly. So the Hamptons look pretty and I'm so depressed there are only a couple weeks left of summer boo! So I'm trying to make the most of them. I love summer, I've said that before, and decided I refuse to be cold this year after and I hope, I pray, I can go to South Africa Egypt just some place warm for the winter. I was so relieved to be in Egypt that bitter winter two years ago. I know I won't miss the cold.

But summer's here now and my sister and I went to the Star Room. It turned out to be a pretty decent place not pretentious with a hip hop room and a techno room (but nowhere near enough bathrooms) and the techno room was red and I didn't see it at first only the hip hop room and that stuff isn't for me, so I was thinking, how am I going to stay here four hours but finally I found the other room, which was more like a separate house. The crowd was mixed mostly Long Island people lots of bleached blond hair, but most people were nice, actually. The techno room had a drum player, balloons and go go dancers. My sister was determined to get drunk so she went off to get some alcohol, and when I found her again she asked me to come with her into the bathroom so she could take off her bra, which she didn't have room for in her bag so she wanted to keep it in mine which had very little room. So it's this long long line and only one toilet finally Sam gets her turn and she ends up staying in there for several minutes. This girl said to me, is your sister OK? She's been in there a while. So I knocked on the door and said Sam, what's going on? I won't go into the details but the bathroom was pretty vile so she said, just one second. This girl said, I don't think your sister is OK.....so finally Sam came out then later she was telling me she couldn't understand why people were giving her dirty looks. She told them, the toilet was stopped up so "I went in the trash can and this woman got mad at me and I said why are you giving me that look I'm trying to be your friend?" We split up again as these guys with button down shirts were after her and I wanted to find other parts of the club and that's when I found the techno room. So.....hours later I finally ran into Sam again when it was getting late and the place was closing. I said, I'm tired and my feet hurt let's go and she said, "I'm not tired. You can go." Her voice was different, like high pitched, and she was sandwiched between these two guys. Before I saw her on this stage area dancing with these girls and I think she was making the moves on them....not sure. But before, I had met this fairly nice guy (Alexander) from Austria who approached me and we had gotten into a conversation. I have his number so who knows.....I think he'll call. Whatever: I'm so not interested in dating right now. But he was nice, and I was thankful to have some company.

So my sister has had a few and she's underage and I'm beginning to think she has some kind of manic illness.....I adore her but she's not that bright about things. She wanted to leave with these guys who also wanted me to go with them to some after hours thing, and this guy had been all over me saying, "I want to set my friend up with the Irish girl." I'm actually mostly German but it's the red hair.....

And I said, I can't get into a car with you I don't know you. Especially cause he was all over me and it's obvious.....but my sister wanted to go with his friends and I kept trying to talk her out of it but arguing with her is like arguing with a bull so I said, whatever, I'm leaving. So....as I was getting a cab, my sister, with another guy she met (also named Alexander), said, wait, these guys will give us a ride. So this nice young men who worked at the club drove us home for half the cab fare. I got out but Sam wanted to stay with Alex so I got out, so thankful to finally be home. I love the feeling of coming home after clubbing, and falling into bed. It's such a relief to get out of the shoes and back into the comforts of home. I was really beat and fell asleep, but within a half hour or so Sam came in, and whispered, "Alex is outside and I don't know what to do. I have to drive him home and need the car keys." I said, you have to deal with Mother about this cause she'll flip.....and on and on, but she left then came back within a couple hours. I had brought my space heater cause the place was absolutely freezing and I can't sleep in a cold room. My mother freaks out about it cause she thinks it's a fire hazard even though there's a switch on it that turns it off if any objects get to close to it or if it overheats. That is the main bone of contention between us....because she can't sleep unless the room is cold and I can't sleep unless it's hot. I like the room to be hot like the desert and to sleep naked, with no covers. So Sam comes in while I'm sleeping with the heater on and turns on the air conditioner. I woke up to realize both the AC and the space heater were going at the same time. Finally, morning came around and Mother came in, saw the heater and said, "Laura I thought I asked you not to use that." I said, it's cold in here and I can't sleep in the cold. I really can't. I get sick, extremely, sleeping in cold. One time I practically got pneumonia. I have no choice but to go against her wishes and use it, I'm sorry. Cause even though it's summer it's cold in the house at night. What else am I going to do?

So, the next morning Mother's friend Donna, my former boss, was there and she, Sam and I had breakfast and an interesting conversation. We decided to go to the beach and after two and a half hours of preparation and Sam getting pissed we left. I was supposed to catch an early train cause I had to be back for an audition but I ended up staying at the beach. I know, that's really bad. I feel like such a slacker. But the audition was for something .....well, it was a kind of open call. I feel bad about it but there was no number to call and I was enjoying where I was. That's bad I know. If I'd had rehearsal or a really major audition I would have left.....but finally I caught the later LIRR and sat for hours on this train which had a really disgusting bathroom that smelled and I had salt water in my hair.

So I swam in the ocean--I'm backtracking--and I love the sea even though I'm a fire sign but it's really beautiful, and swimming is hard work. My arms and legs were aching, but it was beautiful nonetheless. When I got out, my hair was sticking together and the salt water was stinging my eyes but no matter......

but on the train I was feeling horribly dirty and trying to concentrate on my book but the smell was atrocious and I was worried about germs and to top that off, my ex Albert had called while we were getting into the beach car to go to the train, to tell me that my beloved old cat, Midi, is on her last days. That news was devastating but inevitable. So we're going to have to arrange a "funeral" and I think Midi should be buried in the Hamptons cause that's where she's from. Her dying is the end of an era: that's where I got my Midicat name. I don't want her to suffer, but I really feel the pain of her dying even more than I felt my fathers: I mean, Dad's was expected--I guess this is as well. But it feels like it's happening to me personally, like someone wants to get me.

But life has to go on, you know?

Remembering

and feeling really mad. It's hard to forgive certain people, and I suppose I haven't really. I do still feel "raw" about certain things even 20 some odd years later. Like the kids who chased me in the playground or the girls who wouldn't let me in their circles or invite me to their parties. Cause every day I see people who could be those same kids now, only grown up, trying to befriend me. I know they're not "the same" people but then again I just get that vibe from them that they are, just in a different time/place. And I'm just like, I'm the same person that I was then, I haven't forgotten how you treated me, why should I be your friend now; what have you done to deserve it? I feel so mad I want to hit them, or scream. Because I don't think their attempts to be friendly are sincere. I know what people may say, "Why can't you open up and trust people? Why can't you be everyone's friend?" Cause in the past I did trust people who turned out to be not trustworthy. Trust and friendship have to be earned. Yes there were people who were oh-so-sweet to my face but were really backstabbing. These people exist, you know?

Summer is the time for optimism

I love summer and never want it to end. I like hot sun, tank tops, flip flops, the city, food cooking at all hours, the element of danger all of which is NYC in the summer. I remember the summer I left for England and how much I missed the heat and skimpy clothes....cause in London I couldn't believe it was August and people were wearing winter coats at night. And Scotland, forget it.

It's already past the first week in August, getting around to the anniversary of last year, a very decrepit time in my life......but I pulled myself out......still I will miss this warm weather. This time of year is very profound to me. I hate winter, hate the cold.....and in the Midwest where I grew up it was truly hell. Bad enough that I was in that town but to top it off the cold was merciless.....and I don't miss that. Maybe I will go to Egypt or California or wherever it's warm and crazy, come November/December.

The summer before 9/11 I was living in Hoboken--the land of designer bags and shoes and that's pretty much the entire culture there. And back then I never wore makeup or nice shoes and was always active, walking up and down the mountain I lived on, or around the city, a tom boy but I can't say I didn't suffer for it. I was always feeling unattractive, though looking back I realize I was gorgeous and didn't know it, but I didn't feel that then. I was scruffy. I was listening to Basement Jaxx.....and John Digweed's Global Underground Los Angeles CD (I didn't have an ipod I know I"m really behind the times) and so I associate that music with the period before, in my "other life." It had been an amazingly good year for me in which I made a decent chunk of cash after two years of poverty and suffering. Kind of hard to explain, but I went through a kind of catharsis....but anyway, so I had had some cash, was going occasionally to Twilo.....and my neighbor was talking about getting ready for fashion week.

confusion

There's a line in a film (I will decline to say which one....OK.....JFK) that goes something like, "We're through the looking glass. Black is white and white is black."

I'm experiencing that now. I'm seeing that things aren't as simple as I had thought even 24 hours ago. Some bizarre things have happened to me. Twice today the number 666 sprang up at me, don't laugh: on the treadmill when I put my new CD in, as in, 666 calories per hour due to the numbers I had plugged in; and then when I made a trip to the nearby bodega looking for conditioner as I was out. I looked in 3 different stores and.......every time I go outside, this being a problem most women face, I get sexually harassed. Today I was really mad, and I wanted to really attack these men. Not only that, if these men are in the company of other women, I imagine they're hurting the women emotionally, probably scarring them for life. I am not going to make excuses for bad behavior even if it is part of someone's culture; well, unlearn it. Some people may call me xenophobic or racist or something, and I detest those kinds of attitudes, so I never want to be that. But I won't turn a blind eye from someone doing something wrong, and when I really get angry (it runs in my family on both sides) I feel my heart start beating faster and the blood rush to my face and it's a really bad feeling, as well as holding it back. I think so much of street harassment is power: that these men know they can get away with it: they play on women's anger, defenselessness really; because in these situations I feel their power over me, knowing I can't turn to anyone, not the police, not other people on the street, like I'm backed into a corner. I hear all the time people saying women shouldn't walk around alone after dark, but really these men see it as their God-given right to attack any woman who comes their way, alone or not. Though I have to admit, wearing a skirt, a short one, attracts this stuff in hordes; I mean I have gotten harassed when I was covered up but I don't think it was anything of this magnitude. I was thinking, what if it were against the law and these men could actually be fined every time they harass a woman?

So, I finally found a store selling conditioner, and I bought that plus three candles, cause I like to sit in candlelight at night to wind down. The cashier rung it up and it was $6.66. I stared at the numbers and she kind of laughed, like it was funny. I thought it was disgusting. I bought the stuff then threw it in the trash. I'll try to see the humor in it but at the time I was really upset, and I didn't want to let that on. I don't understand WHY this is happening to me.


On another note, I'm slowly getting into Willa Cather. I read on the subway now, that's the best time for me.

My friend said

That he would, if he could, go to the airport and ask the clerk, whatever is the next plane leaving, to wherever, put me on it.

Mozart's Zauberflote is playing now.....I found the words and translated them. I used to be obsessed with Mozart, like a pop performer in his day (er war ein Punker und er libte in der grossen Staadt.......)

I've been neglecting German for two years almost and need to get back on it. I ran into my old German teacher downtown the other day.....talk about serendipitous. I want to go back to Paris too.

So he's gone and I miss him and can't stop thinking about him I know it's sad and maybe he's a paychopath (though I'm starting to doubt it) but I'm jealous too because he's in Fiji with the giant tentacled whatever they ares and I'm stuck in hot, tourist trap NYC. But I love summer, and tank tops. I don't love getting harrassed every time I step outside, though. And that's the problem any female faces going outside. I must say, I think it intensifies when I'm wearing a skirt, big time. I get such bad vibes and I feel my heart start pounding and I feel so angry and really want to hit these guys.....but I've learned from experience that only makes it worse; they retaliate, or lie and say I harassed them. Talk about psychopath.......

Yes I was reading about Robert Ramirez and Ted Bundy and what fascinates me is how these kinds of people can so effectively deceive so many people. I freaked out in the dark last night, afraid that their ghosts would come after me. I got up, shrieked and turned on the light, trying not to wake my roommate. But these people blend in with the rest of society. That is what I want to understand.


I'm also reading Willa Cather for the first time, and I find this book My Antonia to be a little bizarre. I can't decide if I like it or not. I'm at the part where the older Bohemian guy kills himself and these people act so wierd, like the guy building his coffin is very upbeat as he goes about it. Then, none of the cemetaries will take his body cause he killed himself. Also, I get impatient with long winding descriptions of nature, like all the plants and animals even though I love animals I just am not obsessed with trees.......

he said

I fantasize about raping you pinching your nipples pulling off your panties and forcing you.....I said have you had these fantasies about anyone else and he said no. He said I wouldn't really rape someone I'm not a "real" rapist. I wouldn't know, I hope I never do. I said if you felt that way why didn't you do it? And he said, because it's illegal. I said, if it were not would you do it? He said I don't really want to hurt anyone. Then he said I fantasize about you sucking me with tears in your eyes it's a turnon that you're afraid.......

I saw these books on his shelf that said "My First Wedding" there were about four of them and I asked him if he's getting married.........

False alarm.......it's his friend. Why do I keep going there? There's no reason I have to. Maybe I shouldn't. But a part of me can't help it, almost. I'm so numb now my throat hurts it's the strangest feeling almost.....religious or something. Simone de Beauvoir wrote "the dream of annihilation is actually an avid will to exist" and that applies to this situation the "love religion." Or the saint "down on her knees receiving the Holy Spirit" something like the phallic imagery of lightning, the "thunderbolt of Christ." Yes, I've earmarked that chapter "The Woman in Love." Or what she notes as the similarity between religious hymns and erotic songs........"my Adored One my Lord and Master....." so this was 1947.......how much has changed?

I decided to start naming the men in my life after venomous snakes: he's Copperhead. That is a good one for him, huh? I see it as a compliment in a way.

He said I want to come in your mouth will you let me or should I force you in her mouth then she tasted it the worst like super concentrated salt water it went down her throat a gag reflex she began to spit then sprung her head free.......spit it out.....it was everywhere........"what happened?" he said.......


later on he was laughing "you bit my dick...."

But he's leaving and already I wish he were here. I don't think he'll ever read this.

Personal purging

So I've gone back to my "time to myself" and creative work which has been lacking lately, and it's been really tough for me. All this stuff I've suppressed is surfacing. I'm really nervous now, about a couple things. I'm really stressed right now. I'm trying to cope.

Panic Attack

I was rushing around the city and it was late I was wearing these glasses my mother lent me because mine broke and suddenly it looked like the street was curving, I felt like I was upside down, and suddenly I felt pin pricks all over me, my heart jumped, and the street moved up and down. I thought, oh my God, someone drugged me, I'll have to go to the hospital, I may faint, who knows what will happen. I found a mirror and checked my pupils to see if they were dilated. Then I thought, it's just anxiety, just a panic attack....but.....what if I really am drugged? I used to live in fear of this happening, ever since I tried drugs as a teen and had bad experiences. I had all kinds of dumb fears, but the feeling was chilling. I'd get nauseous a lot.....so I took off my glasses and figured they were making me dizzy.......

I was sweating too, my palms.

so......my birthday and back in NYC

Thank Heaven! That's what we all said arriving back from Albany. I went up there for the NOW conference and while it was nice to get out of the city and away from the stress......I see now how fortunate I am to be here (in NYC) and not in a town where the streets are empty after 6PM. Albany is really pretty in parts and I love the Gothic buildings on a hill.....it's like the European towns; and the people were pretty nice.....but it's also reassuring to be in a city where I can sit in an internet cafe at 3AM and walk around and see ads, people, lights, 24 hour delis, et all all over. But when I left NYC I was fed up with the city and life in general; but here I am, happy to see the excitement.

Still, the city is competitive, now more than ever it seems, and a challenge every day if you're not rich. It's .....do I even want to get on this topic? .....so disconcerting to see this former radical punk and hippie neighborhood become totally bourgeois and filled up with handbag stores....not to mention the same people I'd see in the Hamptons or the Upper East Side.

And the NOW experience taught me a lot about the people I was dealing with, and it was sad how I don't feel like I can get close to many of them. It's kind of almost there.

But I'm still happy to hear music again, music I myself listen to, and to have a little cash, to be back in my life. I'll say this though.....I love upstate NY. It's gorgeous and green and hippyish and serene.....very different from the Hamptons where I think I'm going next. I'm gonna be on the beach!!!!


To my birthday, my powerful performances, new trips, and new relationships!!!!!!

Sometimes

I get really fed up with America, by that I mean the United States. I feel like I can't take living here and I don't belong here.....this is a right-wing nation and for anyone who's not life is a constant battle against these elements. Why fight for so many basic things instead of living in a place where they're already there....things like the morning after pill, universal health and child care, mandatory maternity leave, ect ect.....and OH I forgot to mention: decriminalized prostitution.......so that you don't have to waste time fighting for it and can move forward? It's so debilitating, after a while.....and I have a hard time trusting ....well, I won't get into it.

I don't want to seem like I'm "ranting" but, well, I am I guess. But it needs to be said.



This is off the subject, but I had this wierd flashback to when I was sixteen living in Chicago. I was going to this summer school there and would get cheese sandwiches at this kind of restaurant/greasy spoon/bodega near my school. I guess it's cause I'm hungry now but sometimes these things kind of fall on me, or because it's summer now, or because I was so....back then if I knew what I now know I may have suffered far less than I did. But I had such niave visions of the world and the future, though in other ways, my views then were pretty much in sync, with some exceptions, with what they are now.

my response to this article

http://www.sexwork.com/coalition/Federallaw2005.html

Dave's RantAs I always do I scream what about the 90% of "prostitutes" who are private consenting adult sexworkers that are not working for pimps, are not 14 year old children on the street, are not being trafficked against there will, are not public nuisance street hookers!!! Yet in the minds of most of the religious right who knows what is best for us and the Feminists, a prostitutes is a prostitute, no matter what age and no women gives consent for such abuse as prostitution. THAT is the issue we need to educate the public about!


I'm very dismayed once again, and distressed to say the least at the above article and people's ignorance in general. Even further more that this comes from people who should be allied with us. The f-word has been traditionally derided by people on the "left" along with the right, unfortunately.....and pushed aside as trivia, something to address when the "more important" issues (a la racism, class oppression, imperialism.......) are resolved.....and when will that be?

Just FYI, Dave, many "feminists" that you singlehandedly dismiss are actually in favor of decriminalized prostitution. Once more I feel compelled to defend them against another unfair and unastute assault. This article solidifies my argument:



http://www.faklen.dk/en/the_torch/prostitution.shtml

Why is women's liberation such a threat to people? Across the board, even among so many women, it's like a baneful term. That never ceases to amaze me, how people hate the idea. Is it a power thing? Or that it's universal?

Decriminalizing Prostitution

http://www.sexwork.com/coalition/index.html

here's a great link. These people pretty much speak for me.

3:30 and still going

I never rest, except when I'm sleeping, which is more like stealing sleep. There is not one minute of my day that isn't filled up with things to do. I work, have to make money for my rent, cats, savings for the future, trips, bills (ugh), phone, transportation, clothes, occasional.......(whisper) sex toys (like the one I just bought at a sleazy porn shop on Saint Marks)....but I tell myself, after all the stress of this past weekend and working so hard I deserve at least a good vibrator. I decided I really love erotic writing and film maybe you can call it porn.....I mean, I hate anything that demeans women and Lord knows there's a lot of that out there......but the world of sex fantasy is fascinating to me....but I'm digressing....My point is, I never have a minute that's just for me. It feels that way. Then, I feel sometimes like I can't trust anyone and everyone has an agenda (paranoia?) and there are people who will smile to your face then stab you in the back. There's been so much fighting in the activist world and things took a nasty turn a few times in the past few years. But I did learn. Still, I want to do something more meaningful, artistic....I still want to study philosophy and act (why I'm at the computer at this hour, getting ready to do another mailing) and I need a life that is not just about survival, paying the rent, or working dead end jobs that are way beneath me just so I can pay the rent. I really want to study and find "meaning" beyond what is just superficial which is the majority of what I hear around me.

Emergency Contraception

www.getthepill.com


I emailed Planned Parenthood last week to see about getting the morning after pill, and they never got back to me. I wasn't pregnant, but I wanted to see what would happen.


I have to call these numbers now for the pill.....when they're open.

It'd be a lot easier if I could walk into Duane Reade and buy it, n'est-ce pas?

Fulton Medical & Dental Center ask for Department of OB-GYN
(718) 636-8796
MIC Women's Health Services Williamsburg(Services restricted to women aged 65 and younger)
(718) 387-5300
Community Healthcare Network - CABS Health Center
(718) 388-0390
A Brooklyn Woman's Medical Pavilion PC
(718) 222-0123
Planned Parenthood, Boro Hall Center
(212) 965-7000
Early Options
(718) 638-4094
MIC Women's Health Services @ Fort Greene
(718) 522-1144
NYC DOHMH STD Clinic - Fort Greene
(718) 643-4133
New York, NY
Community Healthcare Network - Lower East Side Health Center
(212) 477-1120
Brooklyn, NY
Community Healthcare Network - Caribbean House Health Center
(718) 778-0198
George McMillan, MD
(718) 773-5310
New York, NY
Melanie MacLennan, MD Dr Mac (917) 687-5334
(917) 687-5334
Ryan-Nena Community Health Center
(212) 477-8500
Brooklyn, NY
MIC Women's Health Service @ Bushwick(Services restricted to women aged 65 and younger)
(718) 443-9300
NYC DOHMH STD Clinic - Bushwick Clinic
(718) 573-4820
New York, NY
Sidney Hillman Family Practice
(212) 924-7744
East 13th Street Family Practice
(212) 253-1830
Village Family Practice
(718) 575-2022
Jaana Rehnstrom, M.D.(Services restricted to established clients)
(212) 366-4765
Philips Family Practice - The Institute for Urban Family Health
(212) 924-7744
New York University - Urgent Care Services(Services restricted to students)
(212) 443-1007
If you have questions about emergency contraception, please visit our page on frequently asked questions.

The day I became a rad cheerleader?

This was an amazing, amazing protest; the first one I ever cheered at: the WTO one on September 13, 2003. It combined performance, art and politics and was so creative and brilliant.....not just people marching with signs and getting into fights with cops but creating original and colorful art, and throwing it out there to affect people emotionally, politically. The new protest, and maybe this can make change in a more positive way. I hope, well, I believe in it!

What's strange: this pic is not on here, but I saw a picture of the protest in which a guy and girl were walking and watching us cheer, and this guy looked just like someone who would be in one of my plays later. I don't know if it was him or just looked like him.

I had a tough day today: I got into a bad spat with this woman at the place where I take class who chewed me out about keeping stuff in my locker overnight, which I'm not supposed to do but it's just so hard to carry stuff all over Manhattan, and in a very nasty voice telling me I have to pay for the priviledge of keeping my stuff in a locker, and I was so hurt and mad and upset I started crying and yelling practically. Fine, I misbehaved, but these rules are stupid and mean. I need to change clothes in the city and it's easier to do it this way. But rules are rules and I'm on the "wrong" side so what can I do? But even so, this woman was getting on my last nerve and I was really pissed at her; talk about bad energy......hers was poisonous. At least to me. And when I'm upset I can't be around people; I become edgy and short-tempered. I did lose my cool after a bit.

But that's over for now. I am inspired by a lot of stuff now, but it can be so tiring as well. I haven't gotten to sleep lately til 5 AM because I'm having to deal with my cat when I come home after working all day. I love her but it's exhausting taking care of her. I have to keep her entertained and clean up after her. But she's my baby for now since I don't have kids, yet?

boring fourth of july

Happy Blood Day! I should stop. I'm drinking sangria, watching Britney Spears downstairs with Garrett's friend Sean and we're both being antisocial, actually that is also Garrett's roommate who is in her room with her friend. Garrett and his friends are on the roof but I don't want to go there cause it freaks me out, I'm scared of the ladder I have to climb, and I'm dizzy and tired from the alcohol. So I'm very happy to have a solo party.

It was two years ago today that the bike Garrett made for me was stolen, and he was so mad at me. I managed to find the kid who took it and after a three week ordeal got it back. Back in another life, two summers ago.

There was such a strong, positive vibe then, to use another cliche, and there was so much optimism and it was really intense. But people seem defeated now in so many ways, and it's very draining. So we have these motherfuckers running things, but Emma Goldman said, if I can't dance I don't want to be part of your revolution. I have little control over what others do but I have my own little art to express so.......I mean, yeah, I'm mad. Really mad. I'm moody. I'm afraid. But I'm not going to just shrivel up. I can't. I'm inspired, now! I just want to make something crazy and colorful and yeah, throw it in people's faces. Make them think, and react.

Now I'm listening to Sasha and Digweed and despite the "difficult" crowd I'm glad I saw John Digweed instead of lame Girl Nation. Just being blunt here. I mean, why should I go somewhere else....? Just because someone's bothering me, well, they don't have a claim on the space. This is the right decision. I know it like I know the sky is blue.

We're in Wikipedia!!!!!

It's hard sometimes to look at myself in pix, especially performing, but this demonstration was a super positive event where I went down to D.C. to cheer with the rad rad Radicatz. I think this is one of my cheering highlights; there was such amazing energy here....to use a cliche but for want of a better word.....but anyway, now it's history!!!! But NOT OVER.

BTW that's me in the pink shirt, skirt and pigtails.

I love waterfalls

New York City is not known for nature sites.....Central Park is man-made. I really do miss the country sometimes. I just couldn't live there.

Don't tell me to stay indoors

Just a few words about this post: I got some very nasty comments on this. I don't detest all men and I am close to many men. But the truth is, there are many men who DO behave this way in public and it's done a great deal of harm in my life and that of others. I can't pretend it isn't happening. What I'm saying is really misunderstood, and that incident I wrote about was a complicated relationship and life often contradicts itself, life can be offensive, can't it? White can be black and vice versa, you know what I mean? I just don't feel completely "safe" anymore expressing my feelings because I think it's taken wrong. But anyway.......



I went to this horrid place on 23rd street called the Comfort Diner. There used to be a much nicer one on East 86th street. These waiters kept making eyes at me and staring very intensely at me as they walked by, and then some of the patrons. The way men look at women is so disgusting......even if they're good looking, they do it in a way that's intimidating, invasive, and it's a subtle way of them to express their power in the world, their dominance. And in turn, we're supposed to feel grateful that they think we're pretty, if that's the point. Truthfully, it's a worse experience if the guy is scuzzy but even if not.....I walked out of that place really, really mad and with a terrible headache. Yet, rather than tell these men to change their behavior or punishing them, women are told not to go to certain places, stay indoors, or not to go into a place alone because then they're allegedly putting themselves in danger. Some behavior, I know, is plain stupid in a dangerous world, but why aren't these men told to stay indoors?

ok so the latest is

Saturday was the day from hell, though at least it ended better. It started out OK with me cheering at V Day in Williamsburg, which I managed to get to in 15 minutes on my cheap bike that G made me. I was tentatively supposed to work but that was up in the air too, and it fell through. Then, I was supposed to meet someone who ended up flaking out on me. Then, I rode up to Hunter to use the library wearing my short short cheering skirt dodging cabs and SUVs, and I heard this girl's voice saying, "You need bicycle pants!" I finally got towards Hunter and locked up my bike, and while I was walking to Hunter I heard a guy's voice saying, "Oooh, do fries come with that shake?" I mean, when I read that on a street harassment blog I thought it was a cliche and no one really said that. Then, I got to Hunter and the library was closed. So I headed back to Brooklyn....really exhausted by now. Then I heard a girl's voice again saying, "Put some pants on!" I stopped at this Indian place I go to. So after eating (I was absolutely famished) I got back on the bike to go to Brooklyn, and then the pedal came off my bike. I pulled it over and sat on the curb trying to get the pedal back on. By then I was covered in sweat and my hands were black from grease. Finally, this very nice cab driver pulled over, after I had called Garrett who said to turn it clockwise, which I did for about 30 minutes with it going nowhere, and THEN told me after I need a bike wrench, got out some tools and fixed the pedal. So, I rode home, this being my third trip that day over the bridge. Riding up the bridge is exhausting work.
So I got back, showered and fell asleep, then, thank God, someone I work for called and needed some emergency help so I then used that money to go to Crobar.

John Digweed was DJing, and I expected this kind of music would attract a totally different crowd than was there. It was almost all guys, all about 300 lbs each, and they routinely jammed into me, one of them hitting my nose with his chest. It really hurt and I was worried my nose was broken. I kept thinking, I will kill this guy if I see him, and I was checking in my little mirror to see if my nose was deformed. Finally, after about an hour, the pain went away, but then another guy brushed against my shoulder which I could tell was sprained from that. Moving my arm was slightly painful.

Finally I was sick of getting hurt. I have been in slam pits right in the center surrounded by skinheads, and this stuff didn't happen to me. The only other thing I remember like this was several years ago at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert where I got bruised from leaning against the stage. I really wanted to hear Digweed but gravity was catching up with me and I needed sleep. So on the way out, this guy was like, hi, and stuck out his hand. I thought, ok, and shook it, and he squeezed it really hard. I jerked my hand away and said, what the fuck? And ran off. He started yelling at me, "Come here bitch!" I ran out and got a cab home.

That said, I guess I'm not sorry I went. I wanted to hear this music badly......

But the other night I dreamt I was on an international flight and ended up in South Africa. It was a transfer, not permanent, but I decided to get out and look around. I was near the water and I was thinking, the air is just like that in North America. The water was wavy and beautiful. But I was thinking of someone I knew back home, a Chinese man, and I was somehow supposed to pick up his van, so I'm walking to a big garage. I go into the garage and look but there are too many cars, and I'm thinking, I have to call him and tell him I can't find his car, and suddenly water starts gushing down the garage driveway, which turns into like a curving slide (I dream about this all the time). And I realized I had read the night before about the Chinese woman who killed herself and nearly her kid when her husband had an affair. So the water was massive, I don't know how I wasn't afraid.

Girl meets boy

Boy disses girl, spurns her, leads her on, tries to pick her up in a club and she's flattered that he picked her out of a crowd of about 5,000 people but she stood out anyway; not sure if that's a good thing or not. Girl falls head over heels with boy madly crazily wildly in lust and love to the point where it's painful physically and then boy disappears. Then he comes back, then he disappears again. Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind said, "During the war, I'd go away and try to forget you, but I always had to come back." Finally, girl finds out that boy got married to someone else. Girl goes downstairs at her boyfriend's apartment and sobs hysterically wanting to kill herself and can't believe he did this to her, she gets drunk and nearly has a disastrous run-in with a bouncer and this is just before the Imette incident.......but downstairs is a magazine with the word THIRTEEN written in big letters before her.

But the girl lives, it's winter, the cold stabs into her back shoulders face ears and she gets caught in a blizzard in high heeled boots after a party, just after Madonna's latest single comes out. The girl thinks, wait, maybe he made a mistake and will get divorced.

But.........in the meantime, she's seeing different men and one of them she saw a few months back suddenly gets back in touch with her. This was a "rough" incident......long story short, a very unique one. Suddenly, over a period of a few months, his emails get more and more explicit. One rainy night in March, on the anniversary of the Spain bombings, she goes to his apartment and has a wild, wild wild night in which he pulls her hair practically out of her scalp, slaps her face to the point where it's red, pins her hard on the floor, and scares her, really. But.........but she's also kind of thrilled.....??????????? hmm.....why is that? He's a young law student from Michigan and suddenly she's in love, in a way, with him......and he gradually begins to come into her life more and more. He sends her emails saying he'll "slap the hell out of your ass and vagina" and how he wants to force sex on her and now that I think about it, is forced sex the same as rape? I never thought about it. I know, it's sick, I know....but it was so so so so so amazing!!!!!!! I mean, I guess it wasn't REALLY rape but it was hot, I'm telling you. It's making me crazy just thinking about it!!!

ok, let me re-phrase that

Sometimes little kids can be a joy. Having cats made me appreciate them more because personality-wise they're not that different. Cats throw tantrums too and you love them but they drive you crazy. But most often other people's kids in general get on my nerves. Like in movies they are annoying; but? I guess someone has to play those parts right?

I don't love kids

At times I hate them. I want to stay on the positive side. Yes, I do want my own kids but in general, other people's children get on my nerves to the point where I can't take it, I can't be around them. Like the other day, I was going to the nail salon and there was this kid, like maybe three or four, standing in the doorway screaming his head off and blocking customers from going in and out and the mother was like, "Oh isn't he adorable? I'm not going to stifle his emotional expression." It just scares me how anyone can breed, you know? You don't need a PhD to have a kid, but you should; so I think, sometimes. But what can I do?


When I was myself a kid I was in the car once with my mother, when she took me to NYC for the first time. We had been in Cape Cod and she had gotten into a fight with her then husband, and left with me to go to the city for the weekend. Somewhere on the highway one of the songs came on the radio and I turned it up; my mother said, Laura I can't listen to that. But I bought the record and played it over and over at my dad's place.

Kill Bill

This doesn't happen often, but sometimes a film comes along that just grabs you, and you fall madly in love, in lust, so much that your heart starts racing and you want to run out and tell everyone "Go see this! You HAVE to see this!" Amazing! You think. And this is one of those films. Especially the second. I'm obsessed with the Kill Bills. It was a radical feminist who recommended these movies, one who was badly spurned by some people in the "left" but anyway, I'm drugged, I'm hooked! I believe in this movie I really do. Way back in the early 90s I felt the same way about another film which turned out to be enormously controversial, but also hugely successful. Much ugliness came about as a result, though. But, well? I believe sometimes controversy can be important. Some people just do it for publicity, but even so, how else can you get a point across?

Evanston, Illinois, where I grew up

And interestingly, where my sister is now in college (she's NYC born and raised). Beautiful town, but I don't have great memories. The lake, though, is gorgeous. My friend, Aeysha, always wanted to hang out in the cemetery (she was a Scorpio and, yes, we were, especially she, a little wierd). We'd hang out on these rocks a lot as well.Aeysha and I remained friends until, one day about 10 years ago, she suddenly decided she wanted nothing to do with me. Whatever!

Yes, it gets horribly cold here in the winter; the kind of cold that feels like tiny knives stabbing you everywhere, with the wind hitting your face and neck mercilessly. And there's a lot of....well.....

My sister recently got busted here for drinking beer at a party, with a $500 fine; although, I must say, it wasn't too smart of her to walk right out in front of a bunch of cop cars holding a beer when she's only 19. Still, they're being really vicious about it and it may show up on her school record. I was thinking, this place hasn't changed....to be honest. But there are some positive qualities as well. My mother raised me here because she grew up in small towns in Michigan, mostly, and figured this was a more cosmopolitan atmosphere, and it is. I was lucky in a way. But there is an other side.

We'd pass this statue a lot, of the boy. I have nightmares about this cemetery still to this day, that I'm inside some kind of mortuary with a corpse and passing by the gates, either in or out.....but while trying to get somewhere. I mean, this cemetery seems particularly evil to me in a way. Some cemeteries are cool but this one gets to me. Plus, when we were living near it some bad things happened. Coincidence maybe.....???????

Then while living on Bergen Street

a couple years later, in my new life, out of the hardcore scene (was just never really that into it) and obsessed with "trance" and the KLF, I met Al, my future boyfriend, on October 4, the anniversary of Anne Sexton's suicide. I had just entered Hunter where I had little social life but then for some reason Al and I clicked. Five years later, we had a nasty breakup......and then on February 11, the anniversary of Sylvia Plath's suicide, I met my next boyfriend at a club, and it was his birthday. By then, I was in Astoria.

But four years later, I'd end up in Fort Greene which I'd never heard of and prior to around this time had been practically uninhabitable.

I can't upload these pictures otherwise I'd illustrate this but anyway.....ok I'm trying....

Fort Greene

Oh! I found this.....of gorgeous Fort Greene in the blizzard: some time around 2003 winter/spring it would NOT stop snowing. This was right around the time I moved into the hood, but at the time I was "between apartments" and staying at G's.



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fort_Greene

And in 2003, Laura moved there after meeting Garrett and has been there, except for brief stints in Harlem, Greenpoint and the Upper West Side. Laura lived on the corner of Clermont and notorious Myrtle Ave in a shithole basement that, despite her best efforts, she couldn't save.

Laura now lives on Skillman Street.



When Laura was 20 Greenpoint or Williamsburg would have maybe been ideal. At that time, Laura was obsessed with this bass player and while looking for an apartment, got one in Brooklyn because "Billy" lived there. But she didn't know how huge Brooklyn really is because she didn't know geography and probably wouldn't be able to find Brooklyn on a map. So......thinking she'd be closer to Billy she actually ended up on the other side of town very far away from him, in what is now called Sunset Park but was then pretty much a barrio. Billy lived....????? I think in Greenpoint. Or somewhere. So she never lived in the "cool" areas and....finally ended up in Fort Greene. Brooklyn, particularly Fort Greene, fell on "hard times" in the 70s and 80s but....that's sort of in the past. Now the area is a mixture of really everything.


Go here to find more pix of where I spent my life for three years.......


http://www.bridgeandtunnelclub.com/bigmap/brooklyn/fortgreene/walk/partthree

So tired, and sick of activism

I'm fried right now and with a picket plus two marches plus a counter harassment party coming up, and the constant bickering between all these groups, I'm fed up. I'm pissed. I have to make posters, go over cheers, find a meeting place, get markers (? yikes) and I have absolutely no talent for drawing, and I have to make these cheesy slogans like Sen Clinton You Can Do It! And ....... I'm just so sick of this. I'm sick of these people. I want to go to bed, with my cats and cry.

anniversary of June 2 death of sorts

My grandmother, for one, Marilyn Monroe's birthday, and the day my ex threw me out of his place. It's the 2nd day for me in this new place, and I'm ready to split. There's nowhere near enough privacy, the street is ugly, I have PMS and a headache, it's rainy and cruddy, and people are getting to me. I'm ready to tip over the edge right now.


But I suppose I'll be ok. It's just that bleeding really hampers me in many ways, and I have so many of these situational problems it's just hard to be creative in this atmosphere.

OK I'm done complaining, sort of.

unemployed, summer 2000

I had just moved out, if you want to call it that, of my relationship with this guy who took me to raves and was obsessed with porn, flat broke, working temp jobs, still smoking. I'd go the the World Trade Center for a cigarette break, poor, frustrated, and not knowing where I was going. And he was furious at me for not having a job; we fought pretty uglily. Finally, I reclaimed my strength and fought him back. He accused me of being "psycho" that being pretty much what I was called when I decided not to be a doormat.

I got out of this living situation in Washington Heights, although that place was a refuge. Then I wandered into Virgin Megastore where Sasha and Digweed were signing a new CD, ran into an acquaintance from a temp job who was talking to his friend about the recent assaults in Central Park. Some time around June 11? According to the Magi Astrologers, there was a Super Sexual Aspect in the air.

Then I started a job at Thomson, moved in with a friend on Chambers Street, and after a month and a half of waiting to get paid, barely able to pay rent, I got a decent chunk of cash. I actually had money in the bank.

Then I moved to Jersey City (ugh, ugh ugh) and about a year later the World Trade Center.....well, we know what happened. I was at my job which had moved to 32nd St (so weird how I could have been down there but for a series of last minute changes) and.....

So now, five years later, when I go to my mother's house, we are constantly approached by people asking in broken English "where is the Ground Zero." She lives down there.....

The Hamptons, one year later

Last year, I took the Jitney to Southhampton to see my mother and sister. There were these kids on the bus, about 18 years old or so, and this girl in a sweatshirt said in this really loud voice, "Oh, God, you know what's hilarious? [So-and-so] was telling us how he was going to take the bar test, and [so-and-so] thought it was a bartending test!"

At the time, I was annoyed and thought that was a rude thing to say in public: I mean, what's wrong with being a bartender.....but anyway, it's sort of ironic or else foreshadowing or something, that I'm involved with some people now getting ready to take the bar test. Some people, I think, are academically gifted.